Part 4
Why are parliamentary reports called “Blue Books?” Because they are never re(a)d.
Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? Because she cannot be plain.
Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at last.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at the sound of wo.
What city is drawn more frequently than any other? Cork.
Why is a bookbinder like charity? Because he often covers a multitude of faults.
Why should an artist never be short of cash? If he knows his business he can always draw money.
What do we often catch yet never see? Passing remarks.
Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? Because they always sell their kisses.
What is there about a house that seldom falls, but never hurts the occupant when it does? The rent.
What three acts comprise the chief business of a woman’s life? Attract, contract, and detract.
Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from going too far.
Why are some of our officers like a dancing master’s toes? Because they must be turned out.
What are the most patient objects in the shape of humanity? Statues.
Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? It knows no law.
If all the letters in the alphabet were on a mountain, what letter would leave first? D would begin the descent.
When you listen to a drum why are you a good judge? Because you hear both sides.
Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? Because all the others are in audible.
Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? Because they both run.
If a short man married a widow what will his friends call him? A widow’s mite.
Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat on? Her coachman.
Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written by a woman’s hand? Because it was written by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher’s toe).
What animal is that from which, if you take off the tip of its tail you may make a first-rate Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi).
Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding six and seven together? Because the dog puts down three and carries one.
When is a house like a bird? When it has wings.
What moral lesson does the weather cock teach? It is vane to a-spire.
When is a lawyer like a beast of burden? When drawing a conveyance.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
What are the embers of the expiring year? Nov-ember and Dec-ember.
How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By foul means.
When was beef tea first introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved the Pope’s bull.
Why is a butcher’s cart like his top boots? Because he carries his calves there.
Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer than in winter? Because summer brings a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow).
Is there anything a man with a kodak cannot take? Yes, a hint.
Why do American soldiers never run away? They belong to a standing army.
Why does tying a slow horse to a post improve his pace? It makes him fast.
What is it that a man, no matter how smart he is, overlooks? His own nose.
What goes most against a farmer’s grain? His reaper.
Why may we suppose that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin.
Why should potatoes grow better than other vegetables? Because they have eyes to see what they are doing.
A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between two ducks; how many ducks were there in all? Three.
What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? X-p-d-n-c (expediency).
Why should the highest apple on a tree be the best one? Because it is a tip-top apple.
How many fathers has a man? Nine: his father, his godfather, his father-in law, his two grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers.
Why would a spider appear to have wings? Because it often takes a fly.
Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic? It is bound to the country with the strongest ties.
What is the most wonderful acrobatic feat? For a man to revolve in his own mind.
Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is the greatest of modern composers.
Do women like to see themselves in print? No; they prefer silk or satin.
Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living.
Who is the man who invariably finds things dull? The scissors grinder.
Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little ahead of the main hatch.
Why is a book your best friend and companion? Because when it bores you, you can shut it up without giving offense.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the press at his back.
What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen.
Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Because you play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves.
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
Why should a minister be believed? Because he is nearly always accurate (a curate).
Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to everybody he meets.
What should be looked into? A mirror.
Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a frying pan? Because it has Greece on the bottom.
I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows, and your home would not be home without me. Letter O.
How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile.
Why should colts avoid exposure? Because they might take cold and become a little horse (hoarse).
In what respect is matrimony a game of cards? Why, a woman has a heart, a man takes it with a diamond, and after that her hand is his.
When is a new dress older than an old one? When it’s more (moire) antique.
What is the name of the plant most fatal to mice? Cat-nip.
Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of bad notes.
I am the first, and one of seven, I live betwixt the seas and heaven; Look not below, for I am not there, My home is in the ancient air. Come to my second, behold how fair I am, how bright and how debonair; A pleasant vision and a beauty, A thing of life and joy and duty; My youth is changed—I live alone, My views are crossed—my hopes are gone; My whole is sorrow, grief and woe, My singing now is all heigh-ho. A lass (alas).
What affection do landlords most appreciate? Parental (pay-rental).
When day breaks, what becomes of the pieces? They go into mourning (morning).
Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? Because they put out their tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard.
Why is a book like a king? Because it has many pages.
When are two apples alike? When pared.
When a colored waiter drops a platter of roast turkey, why does it create a great continental disaster? Because it is the fall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of Africa, and the breaking up of China.
What time should an inn keeper visit a foundry? When he wants a bar-maid.
Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common ’tatur (commentator).
Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because he is the owner of many tales and they all come out of his head.
What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they are green or old? He is what we call a pains-taking youngster.
What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle.
What trade is certainly one in which a man will never make a cent except by sticking at it? Bill-posting.
Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that has gone out? Because she has not a spark left.
In what place are two heads better than one? In a barrel.
Why are bells used to call people to church? Because they have an inspire-ring influence.
What is that which goes up the hill and down the hill and yet stands still? The road.
What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? It vanishes into the empty heir (air).
When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground.
When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented and discharged.
Why is a windy orator like a whale? Because he often rises to spout.
Why is a railroad track a particularly sentimental object? Because it is bound by close ties.
What is society composed of? A mixture of mister-ies and miss-eries.
What is that which increases the more it is shared by others? Happiness.
What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait.
When is a man, like friendship, most easily tried? When he stands a loan.
What melancholy fact is there about a calendar? There is no time when its days are not numbered.
What is the best food for dyspeptic people? Oysters; because they die-just (digest) before they are eaten.
Who are the men who have made their mark? Those who can’t write.
Why is a distanced horse like a man in a shady place? Because he is out of the heat.
Why are park railings like a lady’s corset? Because they confine a deer (dear).
Do you know what is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The multiplication table.
What is the debt for which you cannot be sued? The debt of nature.
When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in the service.
Why is the woodsman’s ax an inconsistent weapon? Because it first cuts a tree down and then cuts it up.
Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of people? Because he is a host himself.
Why is the blush of modesty like a little girl? Because it becomes a woman.
Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? Because it has no point.
If you see a counterfeit coin on the street why should you always pick it up? Because you may be arrested for passing it.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns.
Why is love always represented as a child? Because it never reaches the age of discretion.
What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated man? Whis-key.
Why is a pig with a curly continuation like the ghost of Hamlet’s father? Because he could a tail unfold.
Why is a plowed field like feathered game? Because it’s part-ridges.
When is a dog most like a human being? When he is between a man and a boy.
How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell Oh! (yellow).
Why didn’t the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient ground for remaining.
Why is there some reason to doubt the existence of the Giant’s Causeway? There are so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland that this may be one of the reasons.
Why are good husbands like dough? Because women need them.
Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done with the pen.
When does a man feel girlish? When he makes his maiden speech.
What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One irons your linen; the other steals it.
What does a husband do who misses a train by which he promised his wife to return? Catches it when he gets home.
What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of paint.
What is the greatest surgical operation on record? Lansing, Michigan.
How can you make a tall man short? Borrow money of him.
Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Because they are stationary (stationery).
Why should a person not like to gaze on the Niagara forever? Because he would always have a cataract in the eye.
What bridge is warranted to support any strain? The bridge of a fiddle.
What is that, which though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in spring? Because the bullrush is out, the cowslips around, the grasses have blades, the flowers have pistils, and the little twigs are shooting.
Why are laws like the ocean? The most trouble is caused by the breakers.
Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of rivers? Because it has a dozen mouths.
Why is the fly the best one among the grocers’ customers? Because, when he comes for sugar, he settles on the spot.
Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak about his trips? It is generally a soar point with him.
Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Because no matter where he finds himself he always has his cue.
What is the most popular paper at the summer resorts? Fly-paper.
In law courts what relation are the judges, sergeants and counsellors to each other? They are brothers—brothers-in-law.
Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because they both like Timothy.
Why do men go out of the theatre? Because some plays are so solemn that the men have to go out to smile.
Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man? Because it is infirm.
What is the difference between love and war? One breaks heads and the other breaks hearts.
What is the difference between man and butter? The older a man gets the weaker he gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it is.
When did Cæsar first visit the Irish? When he crossed the Rhine and went back to bridge it (Bridget).
What light could not possibly be seen in a dark room? An Israe-lite.
How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? She possesses only one crown.
Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil boil.
Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like a confined criminal? Because he is sea-cured (secured).
When does a public speaker steal lumber? When he takes the floor.
Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it.
What history is that which repeats itself? The history of nations. Your private history is repeated by your neighbors.
When are two tramps like common time in music? When they are two beats to a bar.
If a two-wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and a three-wheeled wagon is a tricycle, what would you call a five-wheeled one? A V-hicle of course.
Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because it works both ways.
What part of London is like a lame man? Cripplegate (cripple-gait).
What robe is that which you cannot weave, you cannot buy, no one can sell, needs no washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness.
How do we know the nightingales are sports? Because they have a high time after dark.
When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide.
What is always behind time? The back of a clock.
What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark and wine (whine).
What is the difference between perseverance and obstinancy? One is a strong will and the other is a strong won’t.
Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells the truth to all the world? A true balance, or pair of scales.
What country does a crying baby sigh for? More-rock-oh, or Lapland.
Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten tramp like a man with insomnia? Because it has not had a nap in ten years.
Why are spiders good correspondents? Because they drop a line by every post and at every house.
What does a young lady become when she ceases to be pensive? Ex-pensive.
What is the sure sign of an early spring? A cat watching a hole in the wall with her back up.
A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, My age is what you do in everything—excel (XL).
Pray find a word that will produce a chair and table? Char-i-table.
Why is it that whenever you are looking for anything you always find it in the last place you look? Because you always stop looking when you find it.
Why is the world like a cat’s tail? Because it is fur to the end of it.
What is the most difficult lock to pick? One from a bald head.
If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace, who would “She” have been? “Ben-Hur.”
What would a pig do who wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a knot in his tail and call it a pig’s tie.
Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it leaves in the early spring.
Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? Baron (barren) figtree.
If a man bumped his head against the top of the room, what article of stationery would he get? Ceiling whacks (sealing wax.)
What is a good thing to part with? A comb.
If your uncle’s sister is not your aunt what relation is she to you? Your mother.
Why is a pig the most provident of all animals? Because he always carries a spare-rib about him.
Why is the church of St. Paul, London, like a bird’s nest? Because it was built by a wren (Sir Christopher Wren).
For what profession are the members of a college boat crew best fitted? For dentistry, because they have a good pull.
Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat? Because each morning she returns to dust.
Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse car be successful? Because he does a driving business.
What paradox may often be found in a flower garden? A white pink.
Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers? They cannot work without an auger (augur).
What does a yawning policeman resemble? An open-faced watch.
Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to have his caws (cause) heard.
What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary.
Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? They keep Lent so well.
Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs like a high hill? Because she’s a-mountin’.
What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C-P-O (Scipio).
Why should England be a very dry country? Because there has been but one reign there in over fifty years.
Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown sugar? Because she is sweet but unrefined.
Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? Because they sing away pleasantly and then all at once boil over.
What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? Cut off their noses.
Why should you never confide a secret to your relatives? Because blood will tell.
Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or a clergyman’s? A clergyman’s: he preaches, the doctor practices.
How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs in front and two behind.
How does light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way through.
When is a pie like a poet? When it is Browning.
What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? The wind.
Why should watermelon be a good name for a newspaper? Because its insides would really be read.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross.
When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray.
Why are people of short memories necessarily covetous? Because they’re always for-getting something.
What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The letter E.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers of a hypocrite? Because it is a solemn sound by a thoughtless tongue.
What letters of the alphabet are most like a Roman emperor? The C’s are.
Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s a catarrh-act.
When does water resemble a gymnast? When it makes a spring.
What bird is in season all the year? The weather-cock.
What would you expect to find on a literary man’s breakfast table? Bacon’s Remains, Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley fragments.
When is a sick man a contradiction? When he is an impatient patient.
What is the dog-star announced to be? A sky-terrier.
What is the difference between a tunnel and a speaking trumpet? One is hollowed in, the other is halloaed out.
When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business? When he’s giving a swimming lesson.
What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world? A sculptor.
What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? An Easter-ly one.
How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Not being able to do better, they start on a small scale.
When do cards most resemble wolves? When they belong to a pack.
What vine does beef grow on? The bo-vine.
What is the difference between the Mormons’ religion and their wives? Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural.
When is a man duplicated? When he’s beside himself.
If a well known animal you behead, Another one you will have instead. Fox (f-ox).
Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel going his rounds? He is pat-rolling.
Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old? She has not much on’er in her own country.
Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because one is a horse-shoer, and the other is a sure horse.
When giving invitations to a dancing party what single word will tell the hour to begin dancing? At ten-dance (attendance).
What is the greatest physical feat ever performed? Wheeling, West Virginia, on the Ohio.
What does an envelope say when it is licked? Just shuts up and says nothing about it.
Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror? She’s a good looking lass.
When is an army totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in quarters.
Why is too much whisky and champagne like the flowers that bloom in the spring? Because they make the nose gay (nosegay).
Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by the directions of strangers.
What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot stake.
What is the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Why are lawyers the most intemperate people? Because they are continually practicing at the bar.
What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal? Sin-on-a-mouse (Synonymous.)
What motive had the inventor of railways in view! A loco-motive.
With what do the mermaids tie up their hair? With a marine band.
What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle tree.
What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible? The Acts (axe) of the Apostles.
Why is a banker’s clerk necessarily well informed? Because he is continually taking notes.
Use me well and I am everybody; scratch my back and I am nobody. A looking-glass.
What great Scotchman would you name if a footman knocked at the door? John Knox.
Why is a billiard maker like a stage prompter? Because he gives the players a cue.
Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler? Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of her clothes.
Why is the bank of England like a thrush? It often changes its notes.
What is it, which the man that made it does not need, the man who buys it does not use for himself, and the person that uses it does not know it? A coffin.
Why are convicts like a pack of cards? Because there is a knave in every suit.
When is a fact like a universal patent? When it is patent to “all.”
What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell affair.
Why is a young lady like a promissory note? Because she ought to be settled when she arrives at maturity.
What is that which always goes with its head downward? A nail in your shoe.
Why is a man just put in prison like a boat full of water? Because he wants bailing out.
What sort of a face does an auctioneer like best? One that is for bidding.
Why should a poor salesman be put in the hands of a potter? Because he is very poor clay and should be fired.
Why is an account book like a statuary shop? It is full of figures.
When a young man calls upon his sweetheart what should he carry with him? Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confections in his pockets.
What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, yet left two to each of his children? Parents.
When may a base-ball nine say its “cake is all dough”? When it does not have a good batter.
Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg? Because when you lose a leg you lose something to boot.
What key in music will make a good officer? A sharp major.
Why were the Jews of old like bad debts? Because they killed the prophets (profits).
What is political economy? Splitting your vote.
What makes everybody sick but those that swallow it? Flattery.
What jury of twelve tries us for a year? The twelve months; they all try us.