Part 4
Having thus initiated himself into the spiritual fraternity, he may write a work to prove that the "Church damns more souls than she saves."[6] He then mounts the rostrum as a burning and a shining light. He deals in brimstone, wholesale, retail, and for exportation. Now he unites his spiritual with secular power, and mixes parliamentary logic with divinity, electioneering squibs with "Hymns of the Chosen;" makes Lucifer cuckold, and swears himself his true liege man on the cross-buttock of a radical candidate. He now receives the degree of D.D. from a Scotch university, for 7_l._ 13_s._ 6_d._, and begins to feel as "big as bull-beef;" his lank hair curls; he has red velvet cushions to his tub; he begowns and belappets himself; he looks on all sides for an half-idiot heiress, or infatuated widow in a state of fatuity, and marries. Thus he jumps into his bishopric, makes religion a "good spec," till it is found out he has had "two wives" before, and a variety of miniature portraits of himself:--and thus ends his PRACTICE.
[6] A favourite maxim with a certain reverend city orator, formerly a "grocer," and still a "grosser" man than his neighbours.
RULE XIII.
BARTER--BUYING AND SELLING--PROFIT AND LOSS.
Man is a "forgiving animal," and this is a better definition of him than Plato's "biped without feathers," which the plucked cock demonstrated. Man is the only animal which strikes a bargain. A dog does not exchange a bone with another dog; and however skilful he may be at a steak, he is not at all clever at this sort of "_chop_."
"Our _chops_ are our masters," says Hobbes; and it is all "a matter of wittles," says Sam Weller. Hence arise the art and mystery of _swapping_, _buying_, and _selling_, and the notion of _trade_ and _commerce_.
England is _per se_ a nation of shopkeepers--we do every thing upon the principle of small profits and quick returns. To barter the national honour is legitimate policy; to sell up our enemies has been a practice since the days of the Plantagenets.
"Jocky of Norfolk, be not too bold, For Dickon thy master is bought and sold."
Hence we can always buy our enemies, if we cannot beat them. Buonaparte, according to the radicals, was _sold_ at Waterloo; we have been recently sold to the Russians; and thus British gold has been always more powerful than British steel.
* * * * *
D'ye buy, d'ye buy, d'ye buy, A sheep's head or a lamb's eye.
Ten thousand thanks will be given to any influential gentleman who will procure the advertiser a place of commensurate value under government: an under lord of the treasury, a commissioner of excise, a distributor of stamps, a head clerkship, or any other situation, in which the principal duties are to receive the salary.
* * * * *
Here is your lolly pops and real Wellington brandy balls, sixteen a penny As long as there is any.
Appointments in the army secured without risk, loss, or trouble to the purchaser. Cornetcies, Ensigncies, Lieutenancies, Colonelcies, to be disposed of, at the lowest possible prices. Also a few cast-off ribbons, stars, spurs, and garters, to be had a bargain.
* * * * *
One a penny buns, Two a penny buns; One a penny, Two a penny, Hot cross buns.
The next presentation to a valuable rectory, to be had for a song. A title for orders, "cheap as dirt." Degrees may be obtained of A.M., LL.D., D.C.L. and D.D., on reasonable terms; and livings wholesale, retail, and for exportation. Apply at the "Bottle-nose Head," York; or at the "Frigasseed surplice," Canterbury.
* * * * *
Here's your spiced gingerbread, All hot, all hot; Taste 'em and try 'em, Before you buy 'em; All hot, all hot, all hot.
Comfortable and respectable sittings at Beelzebub Chapel, Brimstone Alley, St. Luke's, under an able minister, by the quarter, month, or year. Pews to hold eight, 2_l._ 12_s._ 6_d._ per annum; single sittings, 10_s._ The _Pew_seyites will have the right of _election_ and other privileges.--N.B. No connexion with the parish church next door.
* * * * *
Cat's meat, dog's meat; Dog's meat, cat's meat.
To be sold, peremptorily, the property of a gentleman about to travel, (once a rum cove, now a Sidney cove,) a five-year old hunter, the most splendid horse in Europe, with grand action. Got by _Spavin_ out of _Roarer_, grandsire _Glanders_, grandam _Botts_, warranted sound and without fault; (blemishes are not faults, but misfortunes;) gentle to ride, quiet to drive, warranted to _do_ fourteen stone, or any other weight. Price 120 guineas.--No abatement.
* * * * *
To the highest bidder, Here's your rich and ripe faggots, A penny a piece, a penny a piece; Here's your savory faggots.
Sale by auction, in Smithfield. Without reserve. A most eligible and desirable lot. Coming in low. Parasol, bustle, and baggage included. My better half. Weight, sixteen stone. Has taken the lead at All Max. Temper, mild (horse-radish). Eloquence, Broughamatic. Voice, Saffernhillish. Person, Nixmydollyish. Talons, cataclawdish.--No abatement.
* * * * *
The idea of trade and commerce naturally leads us to the consideration of the sublime science of Political Economy, which endeavours to dogmatize that profound conundrum, that the natural _rate of wages is that which barely affords the labourer the means of subsistence_, and of continuing the race of labourers--meaning thereby, the starvation point at which a labourer can be worked. It is assumed that the labourer has so much work in him, and the problem is to draw it out at the least possible cost--of whip or legal enactment--or police forces or military expenditure.
Another leading doctrine of the political economists is, the fatal necessity of starvation. It is maintained, and that seriously, that "God, when he made man, intended that he should be starved;" that human fecundity tends to get the start of the means of subsistence; that the former moves as 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64; but the latter only as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. The consequence drawn from this proposition is, that poor-laws, or any efforts of charity, are only a childish indulgence of feeling; for since there will be a surplus number, who must at all events be starved, if the life of one is saved by charity, whether public or private, it is only that another may be starved in its stead. Hence the perishing of annual multitudes may be looked upon as a proof of the national wealth; and the poor-law system, and the Queen's Letter, but so much concern utterly useless; and the only remedy for our abundant population is for us to return to the system of the ancients, and legalize a few Herods, or, to go further back, to make every man a Saturn--the eater of his own children.
RULE XIV.
DISCOUNT.
Discount is the allowance made to a person, for paying money _before it is due_; so says Walkinghame; but there are now few persons who commit so egregious a folly, the plan being not to pay until it has been due a long time, and then get discount as for ready money.
The usual manner of settling accounts in the City is to purchase for _ready money_; to give a bill at three months, which is to be considered as equal to ready money; and when the bill becomes due to give--the cash? No! but another bill at _five_ months. This is called _cash payments_.
Leaving the City, as being "vulgar," let us look at discount by the broad light of Universality. Discount means something "taken off," or reduced by so much, or decreased _in value_, or lessened.
A man is said to be at a discount on 'Change, when he has no change at the Bank; when he has no banker in the City; when "no effects" is written on his "mandible:"--at Almack's, when he ceases to invite dinner eaters; among the ladies, when grey hairs and crows' feet make their appearance, and teeth their disappearance.
* * * * *
PAR, above _par_, below _par_. We are at par, when in that blessed state of equanimity found in perfection at a Quakers' meeting; above par, when floundering about in champagne; and below par, when cooling down on water gruel and Seidlitz.
Examples of discount at the present moment are too numerous to mention. Every thing seems at a discount; _radicals, dissenters, theatricals, fine arts, scientificks, trade, commerce, manufactures_. Asses' heads alone are looking up.
RULE XV.
INVOLUTION AND EVOLUTION.
Involution and Evolution are two rules of arithmetic which signify getting _in_ and getting _out_. Involution signifies such matters as getting in love, getting into a lawsuit, or getting into debt. It is the rule of entanglement, and is represented by a fly in a spider's web.
Evolution comprehends all the tricks, shifts, schemes, and stratagems, by which we get out of our various difficulties; but it may be observed that it is much easier to become involved in any matter, than to get disentangled: whatever may be our evolutions, it is a difficult matter to get out of love, out of a law-suit, or out of debt.
LAW EVOLUTION--GETTING INTO A LAW-SUIT.
"Will you walk into my office," said the lawyer, Mr. Sly, "'Tis the prettiest little office that ever you did spy. The way into my office is by a winding stair, And I've a many funny things to show you when you're there." "But I have heard," the client said, "you sport a web and chain, And he who in your office gets comes not out clear again."
"I'm sure you must be weary, friend, of everlasting dunning; Come, rest upon my legal wit, my gammon, and my cunning. I'll get your debt at little cost, so only let me do it; Or else perhaps the chap will break, and you will have to rue it." "I'd rather not--I'd rather not," the wary client said; "For I did never like to throw 'good money after bad.'"
"Leave all to me," the lawyer now with eloquence replied; "A fig for costs, your case is clear, and you have _me_ beside; I'll take the case at any odds, and rather be dependent Upon the issue of the whole--that is, on the defendant." "Well, try it on," the client said, "you are a lad of wax; So stick to him with tape and string--succeeding, we'll go snacks."
Then in the legal mesh and web of cunning Mr. Sly, The client now was fairly caught as any little fly; And round him twined all legal quirks, and briefs a dozen quire, Writ, declaration, cognovit, bail, habeas, præmunire. "You've lost the cause!" the client cried--"the loss to you, not me." "Hum, ha--but stop a bit," said Sly--"stop, stop, and we shall see."
The lawyer mended now his web, and thread by thread he lengthened; Made closer every mesh and hole, and every corner strengthened. "The cause is lost, and you must pay--_I bargained if I gained it_; You cannot think on other terms that I could have sustained it." So round the hapless wretch he threw a law cord strong and good; And thus he held it, hard and fast, and sucked his client's blood.
GETTING INVOLVED, OR IN DEBT.
The ways of getting into debt are multiform. To be _involved_ is _patriotic_, _fashionable_, _genteel_, and _sentimental_. To pay is _vulgar_, _inconvenient_, and _unpopular_. The man who lives within his _means_ is never considered to have any _means_. A man in debt possesses an interest and an importance truly pleasurable. It is surely something to know that in your little self a hundred are subject to hopes, fears, anxieties, speculations, aspirations, and a world of such like poetry. The greater the number of creditors, the greater must be the sensation produced; and the production of a sensation is every thing in fashionable society.
The old proverb was, "Out of debt out of danger;" but modern arithmetic teaches, "_In_ debt _out_ of danger;" the law of debtor and creditor being fashioned according to this maxim, which is now the Lex Scripta of the courts. To be over head and ears in debt, is the best security; "debt is the safest helmet." To be not worth powder and shot, or to make believe you are not, is the best method of keeping on the wing. It requires, however, some curious _evolutions_ to enable an empty sack to stand upright.
LOVE EVOLUTION, OR GETTING IN LOVE.
This is an involuntary process, and an entanglement equally powerful with the meshes of the law. In this case, however, the pleasure increases with the entanglement, as the fly said in the honey-pot. The arms of a fair lady are the softest bonds; the poison of a maiden's lip the sweetest poison. To be in love is to be entangled in a cobweb of ten thousand ecstasies, where every string is bliss, and every mesh is beauty. In this web, Cupid sits as an angel in one corner, and Hymen on the other; thus bound with sighs, tied with kisses, linked by embraces, chained by tears, lovers disport themselves; till Hymen, in fear that they should die of ecstasy, tightens the web, and binds them hand and foot in the true lover's knot of matrimony.
PARLIAMENTARY EVOLUTION.
RULE 1. Make up your mind to "go the whole hog" with your party. 2. Flatter, gammon, and gloze all parties. 3. Humbug your opponents, and cheat your supporters. 4. Make love to every prevailing vagary of the day, and coquet with Mother Church, and her fantastical daughter, Miss Dissent. 5. Promise every thing, perform nothing, and be the last year of your parliamentary term a contradiction of the six preceding years, so as to ensure another return.
HOW TO GET INTO PARLIAMENT.
Supposing yourself to be a green yokel, just raw from school, with little wit, little money, and little influence, act as follows:--
1. Marry for the sake of respectability and a little more money.
2. Give away soup to the poor, flannel petticoats, trusses, and baby linen.
3. Set up schools on the free system, "every boy his own archbishop:" Free-trade in religion, and no walloping.
4. Get into a squabble with your Rector, about free grace and non-election.
5. Write once a week in the dissenters' "slop pail," against clerical intolerance, tithe pigs, "red noses," round paunches, lawn sleeves.
6. Attend the jawy jobations of Exeter hall, as a "flowery speaker," and advocate various Jew, Gipsy, Voluntary Church, Anti-pseudo-baptistical Societies, till you are black in the face.
7. Join the Society for the Diffusion of Useless Knowledge, the Donkey Protecting Society, and other congenial "Institutes."
8. Build a chapel, and bribe a congregation to come to it. Become a teetotaller; be a betwixt and betweenish, half-and-half, out-and-out radical. Defeat the imposition of a Church rate--rave against the taxes--pledge yourself to support triangular parliaments, universal suffering--blindfold voting--and confusion to all order.
And thus get in, get in, By clamour, bawl, and shout; To tax 'em then begin; Oh then get out, get out.
Get in, get in, get in, Give place to sneak and lout, And don't forget your kin; Oh then get out, get out.
Get in, get in, get in, Get jolly fat and stout, And grind the people thin; Oh then get out, get out.
Get in, get in, get in, And turn and twist about, Until some precious _shin_-- _Dy_--says, "Get out, get out."
RULE XVI.
DUODECIMALS;
OR,
THE MEASURING OF PAINTING, PLASTERING, JOINING, GLAZING, GLOZING, AND OTHER FLAT WORK.
Duodecimals teach us to find the superficial contents of any "thing." A thing is properly something, neither woman nor man; possessing all the superficial of either, and the substantials of neither: such as numbsculls, lordlings, quacks, empirics, &c.
Duodecimals also teach the mensuration of plastering, painting and glazing; which comprehend the arts of palaver and gammon, and the science of _Flattery_ in general.
This is, above all others, a "superficial age," and the mensuration of superficies is characteristic of the modern era--the age of meretricious flummery. Our science is superficial thinking; our morality, superficial blinking. Every thing is made now-a-days for the "surface," which, like the gilded wooden organ pipes, placed in front of that instrument, are not made to blow, but for the sake of show. In learning, we get a smattering instead of the real thing; and we drop the meat for the sake of the shadow. The deep and the solid have long ago been discarded: in short, this is the age of gammon, and society is like a quire of "outsides foolscap."
* * * * *
_Of Flat Surfaces._--A plane or flat surface has length and breadth without thickness. Flat surfaces are often made, by some peculiar property of polarized light, to reflect rays which do not belong to them. Thus, flats pass for solids, and "shallows" for "deep-uns."
RULE XVII.
BOOK-KEEPING AND ACCOUNTS.
Book-keeping is not to be understood only as the art of "Book-borrowing," a very good science in its way, but as the highest branch of the science of _leger_demain, invented for the express purpose of enabling the speculative to conceal their accounts, just as the use of speech is given to man to enable him to conceal his thoughts.
We have excellent directions given us on this head from very high authority, which is to be understood according to the Benthamite Philosophy. "How much owest thou my lord? And he said, A hundred measures of oil. Take thy bill, and sit down quickly, and write fifty." Hence the children of the philosophers are wiser than the children of light.
In "keeping books" it is not only indispensable that you should keep _them_, but that they also should "keep you." This is in accordance with the free-trade reciprocity system; and to enable them to do it requires but little tact. For instance, you open a shop--not for the purpose of doing _business_, but for _doing some unfortunate flat_, in the very spirit of a "_Good-will_;" so that when _your business is done_, your client may find _his business done too_, and when you have taken yourself _off_, he may find himself taken _in_. This example may be repeated any number of times.
Upon entering life, every young man must consider that it will be quite impossible to live without some "cash in hand;"--that he will, at times, be inevitably called upon to "_fork out_," "_dub up_," or "_come down_;"--and that in all transactions, such as swelling and dashing, cutting and flashing, it will be necessary to keep a sharp look-out upon the "blunt," tin, or pewter, as it is variously termed; if not for your own satisfaction, at least for your beloved father's, whom you are in duty bound to bamboozle. There are certain items which never need come into this account; namely, board, lodging, tailor's bills, boots, shoes, linen, horses, and such like necessaries; these belong religiously to the _old boy_, or are fit and proper matters for "whitewashing."
To fulfil this purpose, open a cash account, putting Dr. in the left hand corner, which signifies Dear Father, in honour of your respected parent, or in testimony that everything is dear; and Cr. on the right hand, which may signify "cruel little I have to spend." This is called the Waste Book. The items introduced are merely hints for the getting and disbursement of CASH.
WASTE-BOOK
SIMON SAPSCULL CLUTCHINGS, IN ACCOUNT ----------------------------------------------------------------------
_Dr._
_May 1._ £ _s._ _d._
Out of the old chap, by wheedling and bullying 50 0 0
Out of the schoolmaster, after being in Whitecross-street two hours 0 3 8
Out of mother, by way of bonus on "good nature." 10 0 0
Out of father, for charitable purposes. 20 0 0
Out of sister, to lend a friend in distress 20 0 0
Out of mother, another 20_l._--having lost the first when carried home drowned, (good idea this,) _Mem._ to be repeated. 20 0 0
_May 2._
Out of father, for divinity books, (sorry didn't get more, as the old chap is so pleased to think I am "preserved") 40 0 0
_May 3._
Out of mother, to invest on the sly in the 3½ per cents. for herself 40 0 0
Borrowed of Jem 3 0 0
Balance due to me 56 3 0
£259 6 8 =============
WITH HIS FATHER, FROM MAY 1 TO MAY 3. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
_Cr._
_May 1._ £ _s._ _d._
Paid at Shooting Gallery, and at the Fives' Court 4 16 0
For cigars, riding whip, Sporting Calendar, and Life in London 2 10 0
For salve for the dog's tail, (burnt some time since) 1 10 0
Spent at Divan, Coal Hole, and at various places on stroll 3 0 0
For Covent Garden Oyster Rooms, cigars, brandy, champagne, and various other matters indistinctly remembered 20 0 0
Relief to a poor young widow, soda water, and restorative cordial to the dog 5 0 0
Paid Duncombe for books, according to father's direction; Flash Lexicon, ditto Songster, ditto Anecdotes, ditto Morality, ditto Divinity 4 0 0
_May 2._
Paid at Westminster pit, and loss on dog Billy 10 0 0
Cigars and coachman, for a turn with the ribbands 3 0 0
Turn out in post, breaking horses' knees, paid horsekeeper 15 0 0
Cigars, sandwich, heavy wet, negus, brandy, brandy-and-water, Welsh-rabbit, port, sherry, waiters 5 0 0
At the Lowther--gloves, pumps, supper, bursting waiter's tights, breaking glasses, negus, wine, supper, brandy, soda water, brandy, wine, whisky, brandy, claret 10 0 0
Tearing ladies' dress, spoiling gentleman's watch, damaging ladies' false teeth, smashing fiddle, &c. 26 0 0
To a destitute mantua-maker 3 0 0
Worm pills for the dog 1 10 0
_May 3._
To soda water and brandy, brandy solus, Seidlitz, vinegar and water, cab to Park, ditto to Colonnade 1 15 0
To rouge et noir, bagatelle, breaking cue, and losses on learning French and Hebrew 50 10 9
To "Drury"--cigars, saloon, cab, brandy, Falstaff Drawing Room, music, oysters, champagne, brandy, damaging lady's bonnet, ditto gentleman's glass eye, ditto whiskers, ditto lady's curls, ditto curtains, ditto windows, ditto policeman's nose 76 14 10
Relief to a poor servant girl out of place 1 0 0
To Mrs. H. for her motherly care for next three days 15 0 0
To the pew-opener at church on Sunday 0 0 1 ------------- £259 6 8 =============