Part 3
Behold--the identical cupboard, Of old Mother Hubbard; The identical hat The little dog wore When nursing the cat; The identical _pipe_ The little dog smoked When she brought him the _tripe_; The identical coffin That set the dog laughing, With these two are sorted, As "neat as imported."
A brick of the corner Of little Jack Horner, Who eat of a Christmas pie; He put in his thumb And he pulled out "a _plum_," As you must do if you buy.
LOT II.
The next most splendid, _recherché_ and venerable, Spick and span old antique, ingenerable By modern authors or by modern art, A _sui generis_ lot, not to be _matched_. By _Lucifer_ himself not to be catched By an old song, as the last was-- I speak _poss_. _First_ is an original, aboriginal, Primary, first hand, virgin copy, Mouldy, musty, cobwebby, and ropy, Of Dean Swift's "Maw wallop," With notes by Mrs. Trollope, Which wraps the whole up So decently, it takes the soul up To the third heaven of ecstasy; To which is added, An Essay upon Jalap. _Second_, is the missal of old Nick, Richly illuminated with flames ad flamina, Fresh from "Blazes;" Its smell of brimstone is sublime; 'Tis dedicated to the Ranters And the Canters Of Exeter Hall in the dog days, Cum multis aliis ad gammona. Who'll bid for this whole lot? one thousand--two, Three, four, five, six,--say seven, and see what I will do. "Gone!" Doctor Lardner, I've knocked it down to you.
LOT III.
Now come the gems divine, Each gem a shrine, Whence men may fish up, And after dish up, Without a Bishop, A heavenly worship; And adore These relics before. _First_, is the vase de Barberino, The Helmet of Mambrino So renowned In all climes In which the cat was drowned; Don Quixote's spear, and shield, and armour, Lately worn by Alderman Harmer Against the "Times." _Second_, the sword of Jack the Giant Killer, Made o' th' siller Spent at the Ipswich election, Braving detection. _Third_, is the wishing cap of Fortunatus, Worn by all young ladies in their teens, That when they're married they may have the reins. _Fourth_, is the night cap of the Cock-lane ghost, When he fright'ned The enlight'ned Chartist host. _Fifth_, is a stone out of the wall, Of Pyramus and Thisbe, And a charmed echo of Nick Bottom's roar, Or louder snore Of Mr. Muntz, when he thinks Lord John a bore. _Sixth_, one of the seven-leagued boots, in which is Made the interminable of Cobden's speeches, Loose as the old coal-heaver Huntington's Heaven-born breeches. _Seventh_, the bottle of the bottle-conjurer, Into which Lord Mounteagle, to please himself, Can squeeze himself, When in some plan of plunder or of pelf He wants to ease himself. _Eighth_, is the toe nail of the Dragon of Wantley, Which Berkeley Grantley Used as a sort of scarifying razor Upon a Fraser. _Ninth_, is the dish of Corn Law furmitory, Into which Tom Thumb (Lord John) did jump when he Let in another Ministry. _Tenth_, a child's caul, a certain preservation From drowning, useful to the nation, In this great age of tea-to-tality, And used by Mr. Buckingham As an hydraulic ram, To keep him dry, When round the world to go he late did try. _Eleventh_, is a bottle of pigeon's milk, Soft as silk, Which Boreing to the "Factory" deputation sent, By way of reparation For the depredation Of sessions of misgovernment. _Twelfth_, is the story of a cock and bull, Edited by queer Joseph, and oft related to the house When full. _Thirteenth_, the eyelid of Homer, and the eye Identical and very certain, Of Betty Martin. And, lastly, now to end this, Billy Martin, Peter Parley, Prattle, Are three blue beans in a blown bladder. Rattle, bladder, rattle.
RULE IX.
INTEREST, &c.
To think of getting on in this world without Interest, is ridiculous. Place and Promotion are not for Fitness or Worthiness, but to serve particular _Interests_, private or public; and yet a number of very simple persons, who have as large a green streak in them as a _sage_ cheese, without its _sageness_, are continually wondering that virtue and talent do not get all the "good things" of a vicious community. Punch forbid! Is not virtue declared to be its _own_ reward? and as to talent,--let a man be content with _that_. It is a positive monopoly to covet _wit_ and _money_ too.
To take care of our Interest is the great law of Nature, and is universally followed. Every one for himself, and Fate for us all, as the donkey said when he danced among the chickens, is as profound a maxim as the _gnothi seauton_ of Plato. "Take care of yourself" is of more importance than "Know thyself." To take care of oneself is a science which comes home to every man's business and bosom. It is "wisdom" identified with our personal character. It is philosophy turned to account. It is morality above par. It is a religion in which "every man may be his own parson," find his Bible in his ledger, his Creed in the "stock-list," his Psalter in the tariff, his Book of Common Prayer in the railway and canal shares, his Temple in the Royal Exchange, his Altar in his counter, and his God in his money.
* * * * *
PRINCIPLE, or PRINCIPAL, is an old term used by our forefathers in "money matters" and commercial transactions, but is now obsolete. It formerly represented capital, and raised the British merchant in the scale of nations; but it is now a maxim of trade to discard Principle as not being consistent with Interest. It is paradoxically Capital to take care of our Interest, but it seldom requires any Principle to do so.
"The want of money is the root of all evil." Such is the new reading, according to the translation of a new sect called the _Tin_ites. In the orthodox translation, the _love_ of money was unfortunately rendered. To be without money is worse than being without brains--for this reason we should oppose all dangerous innovations, which in any way have a tendency to disturb the "balance of Capital." Right is not to usurp might. We are not, for the sake of Quixotic experiment, to invade the _interests_ of the landed proprietor by an Anti-Corn Law movement, nor the vested right of doing wrong, which the various close corporations of law, physic, and trade, &c. have so long maintained, making England the envy of the world and the glory of surrounding nations.
Interest, therefore, teaches us to interest ourselves for our own interests, and to keep them continually in view in all our transactions. When a man loses sight of his own interests he is morally blind; he must, therefore, according to this rule, walk with his eyes open, and be wide awake to every move--keep the weather-eye open, and not have one eye up the chimney and the other in the pot, but both stedfastly fixed on the _main chance_.
Interest teaches us also to swear to anything and admit nothing; to prove, by the devil's rhetoric, that black is white and white black; to tamper, to shuffle, to misrepresent, to falsify, to scheme, to undervalue, to entangle, to evade, to delay, to humbug, and to cheat in virtue of the monied interest.
In the days of our forefathers, we had a most excellent compendium of Faith and Duty, called the "Church Catechism," which taught us not only to "fear God and honour the King," but to be "true and just in all our dealings." The "fast and loose," "free and easy" system of "liberality," shuts the Creed and the Catechism out of half our schools; and worldliness teaches in its place the creed of Mammon. Instead of being taught to worship God, we are taught to _worship money_. Instead of honouring the Queen, we are told to bow down to the "_golden image_" which trade has set up; we no longer consult our _conscience_, but our _pocket_; for _principle_ we read _interest_--for _piety_, _pelf_.
In illustration of this, the following "cut and dry" "'Change Catechism," which fell from the pocket of a Latitudinarian bill-broker, is subjoined, as affording the best examples of the Rule of _Interest_.
QUESTION AND ANSWER.
Q. My good child, tell me what you believe in? A. Money. Q. What is money? A. The all-ruling and all-powerful; the fountain of worldly wisdom and power. Q. How is it worshipped? A. By the daily sacrifice of time, talents, health, and virtue. Q. What is this worship called? A. Mammon. Q. What is its chief rite? A. Gammon. Q. What is the chief ceremony? A. Deceit. Q. What are its principal festivals? A. Dividend-days. Q. What are its days of penance or fasting? A. Days when no business is done. Q. What are its feast-days? A. City "Feeds." Q. Where are its principal temples? A. The _Treasury_, the _'Change_, and the _Bank_. Q. Who are its priests? A. Whitewashed "black-legs."[3] Q. What is virtue? A. A name. Q. What is Orthodoxy? A. Cash. Q. What is Heterodoxy? A. Bills. Q. What is Heresy? A. "No effects." Q. What is Schism? A. "Call again to-morrow." Q. What is Respectability? A. Plenty of trade. Q. What is Roguery? A. Being in debt. Q. What is Vice? A. Misfortune. Q. What is the greatest sin? A. Poverty. Q. What is the principal virtue? A. Prompt payment. Q. What are the principal blessings? A. Loans. Q. What should be our continual desire? A. Good luck. Q. For what our rejoicings? A. Success. Q. What is Morality? A. Cent. per cent. profits. Q. What is the Origin of evil? A. A returned bill. Q. What is the greatest evil? A. Bankruptcy. Q. What is our chance of escape from perdition? A. "Taking the benefit." Q. What is the Devil? A. To be without money. Q. Who are the chosen children of Mammon? A. Those born with a "silver spoon." Q. What is the true definition of good? A. Solvency. Q. What is the true definition of bad? A. Insolvency. Q. What is your duty to your friend? A. To cheat him. Q. What to the stranger? A. To "take him in." Q. What is Experimental Philosophy? A. Going a borrowing. Q. What is practical philosophy? A. Being refused. Q. What should be your chief consolation in old age? A. Dying rich. Q. What is the chief maxim of this creed? A. _Doing_ every one, but suffering no one to _do_ you.
[3] Notwithstanding the "pretty considerable declension" of mercantile integrity, the character of the British merchant, both at home and abroad, still maintains its ascendency, and there are yet thousands of "merchant princes" who fully sustain the honour and glory of our native land. This satire is launched against the "cutting" commercials of the age.
RULE X.
BILLS.
When goods are bought or work is done, a bill is to be made out and delivered. In some cases the bill may be made out before the work is done, and work charged in _prospective_; and therefore the making out of bills is an art and mystery known only to the professional man or the tradesman. It comprehends the mystery of mystification, and _impudence_ and _assurance_ are its two first rules. The milkman is not only allowed by parliament to water his milk, but to cut a notch in his chalk and mark _double_. The baker thinks it legitimate, and part of his vested rights, to put in "dead uns;" the butcher to "hang on Jemmy;" but the birds noted for the longest bills are the carpenter woodpecker, (who undertakes to take you under) the gallipot crane, the red-tape snipe, and the heron. The bills of each of these bipeds are as long as from this to the paying of the National Debt, and as unfathomable as the Bay of Biscay--or the lowest pit of----
L
I AM INTERESTED.
Dear Sir, my faith in you is great, Your honour long I've tested; You are my customer, good Sir, And I am _interested_.
To give you credit is my joy, A joy sincerely breasted, For twelve months, ay, for any date; You see I'm _interested_.
And may you thrive, and in due time Retire in comfort nested; This is my fervent prayer, my friend, For I am _interested_.
And may you have a plum or two, In stock well sunk and vested, To leave your worthy family-- I speak as _interested_.
What, "rather queer!" this fellow now Must quickly be molested; Write to him, Priggings, for you know That I am _interested_.
Well, take his bill. Three months--no two; Let it be well attested; Now is the time to turn the screw, For I am _interested_.
What, "no effects!" give him, no time, But get the bill _protested_; Such rascals must be quickly met, When we are _interested_.
No cash!--well, write to Sniggs at once, And let him be arrested; To Banco Regis let him go, For I am _interested_.
RULE XI.
DECIMALS.
Decimal Fractions are so called because the fractions are always tenths. They differ from Vulgar Fractions in this, that the denominator is not written, but a _point_ before it is used instead.
Decimals are best illustrated by tithes, which are general and universal tenths extracted in every part of "merry England." They are added, subtracted, multiplied, and divided like any other numbers, but to designate their value a _point_ is prefixed.
In tithes, as in decimals, the denominator does not appear; that is to say, the incumbent rarely lives at his incumbency. When tithes are to be added, taken, or subtracted, the titho_decimo point_ is used as his representative, namely, the POINT OF THE BAYONET.
To make a point of "doing good by stealth" is a national virtue; and among all other "points" in this uncertain world, the "point blank" is the most certain. This may be made with a _rifle_, when the pockets are to be _rifled_, either with or without a bayonet at the end of it. The _charge_ for spiritual care is best settled by a _charge of dragoons_; and a _discharge_ of clerical arrears by a _discharge of fire-arms_.[4]
[4] Whatever may be said of the mode of collecting tithes, nothing can be said against the "right of tithe." The clergy are the greatest sufferers, and no consummation is more devoutly to be wished than an equitable adjustment. As things are at present, the clergy do not get half their dues, and these are obtained in a manner well calculated to keep up the idea of a certain person shearing the hogs, "great cry and little wool."
TO REDUCE MONEY WEIGHTS AND MEASURES TO DECIMALS.
Take a tithe-owner, a collector, a proctor's warrant, and a constable, and go in a body to the house of a Quaker, or the mud hovel of an Irish Catholic. Enter the house by means of a crow-bar. Take pigs, poultry, pots, pans, sticks, or rattletraps. Obtain an appraiser, call in a broker, and _divide the spoil_ by means of any number of vulgar fractions, called purchasers. Take the dividend, called plunder, and "pocket."
TO BRING DECIMALS TO THEIR PROPER VALUE IN WHOLE NUMBERS.
The proper value of a decimal is only to be ascertained by his _points_ of character, and they are to be found of full value in many parts of the kingdom, in the shape of worthy curates, and honest rectors and vicars, _dividing_ not their flocks, or the produce of their flocks, but their _own time_, _means_, and _money_, in the conscientious _discharge_ of their clerical duties.
RULE XII.
PRACTICE.
The Rule of Practice is indispensable in all our operations. It is in some degree the "ultimatum" of the preceding rules, for as the proverb says, "Practice makes perfect."
Nature is said to have begun the creation of "living infinities" by this rule, for in the words of the poet,
"She tried her 'prentice hand on man, And then she made the lasses o."--BURNS.
Practice is thus divided into two kinds--the first called _Practice Preliminary_; the second is denominated _Practice in General_.
* * * * *
PRACTICE PRELIMINARY is experimental philosophy, or asking discount for a bill at 18 months; PRACTICE IN GENERAL taking in the flats. The one resolves itself into "_trying it on_," the other to "_clapping it on_."
"Trying it on" is an universal principle, from the old Jew salesman who asks four pounds for a thread-bare coat and takes four shillings; or the old cabbage woman who offers 3lbs. of "taters" for two pence and sells 7lbs. for three farthings; to the prime minister who asks _three_ millions of taxes, and expects _five_. The converse of this rule is, "Don't you wish you may get it."
Practice is performed by taking "aliquot parts;" to be a man of some "parts" is therefore necessary. The application of our "parts" to the science of L.S.D. with a view to their development and perfection, is the aim of the rule, and the "practice of Practice" is to show,
That the value of a thing Is just the money it will bring; For money being the common scale Of things by measure, weight and rate, In all affairs of Church and State, And both the balance and the weight, The only force, the only power, That all mankind fall down before, Which like the iron sword of kings, Is the best reason of all things; The Rule of Practice then would show, The principles on which men "grow." What makes all doctrines plain and clear? A few odd hundreds once a year. And that which was proved true before, Prove false again?--Some hundreds more.
HUDIBRAS.
GRAND CHORUS.
Hulla boys, Hulla boys, Let the "belles" ring; Hulla boys, Hulla boys, So the Whigs sing.
The Council of State In their heads have a crotchet, In spite of lawn sleeves, In spite of the rochet;
To put for a salvo The nation in tune, By keeping them singing From July till June.
And who can sweet music A moment despise? For singing is better, Far better than sighs.
To reconcile Chartists To duties on corn, We'll give them a flourish Or two on the horn.
To strike all the grumblers In factories mute, We'll give them a solo Each day on the _flute_.
Should the multitude ask, By petition, a boon, We'll grant them reply Through our "Budget" _bassoon_.
And when they shall sicken, And when they shall fret, We'll soothe them like lambs, With our State _clarionet_.
Should they from their chains Endeavour to wriggle,[5] We'll keep them in bonds By a waltz on the _fiddle_.
They shall not despair, Nor hang, drown, or strangle, We Whigs will strike up Our tinkling _triangle_.
And should this not do, In arms should they come, We'll frighten them soon By a roll of the _drum_!
[5] I can't make wriggle rhyme to fiddle. I have sent it to the prince of wrigglers, Lord B----, and to the prince of fiddlers, Mr. P--, but they refer me to Mr. Wordsworth.--T. W.
* * * * *
PRACTISING FOR THE ARMY.--As shooting and slaying are the legitimate objects of this profession, you cannot begin too early. The first instrument to be used is a _pea-shooter_; this is for the age P.C. previous to corderoys. The second is a _pop-gun_, indicating the age of breeches (and breaches). From this we arise to "sparrow-shooting," after the _ruse de guerre_ of the salt-box has been tried without effect. Being now grown bloody-minded, we go to that sanguiniferous-looking house at Battersea, called the Red House, (being of a blood colour, from the enormous slaughter committed near it,) and here we take lessons in pigeon-shooting. From hence to the Shooting Gallery, Pall Mall, we improve rapidly. A lieutenancy in the Guards is our next step. To this succeeds a dispute respecting the glottis of Mademoiselle Catasquallee, and "Chalk-Farm" or "Wimbledon Common" is the result; and here, unless courage should ooze out of our fingers' ends, we may stop; our courage is apparent, and for the future we may shoot with the "long-bow" to all eternity without fear of contradiction.
* * * * *
PRACTISING FOR THE PROFESSION.--"Cutting up" and "Cut and _come_ again," are the maxims of the surgeon; and as no trade or profession can live except by the adoption of the "_cutting_ system," and if a man cannot _cut_ a figure, he will assuredly _be cut_ by his acquaintance, surely the art should be thoroughly studied. As a preliminary step, Burking and body-snatching must be mastered; and then you may go snacks in a "subject," and take your "loin of pauper," "leg of pauper," or "shoulder of beggar," or "rump of beggar," or "sirloin of alderman," or "fore-quarter of citizen," or "hand and spring" of beadle or bellman. Or should your taste be fastidious, you may take a "fillet of cherrybum;" or club for a "sucking-kid." On these _practise_ till you are perfect; and should it so happen that any of the personages above-named should turn out to be related by consanguinity, be as stoical as a reviewer, and make no bones of cutting-up (if necessary for science) your own father.
* * * * *
PRACTISING FOR THE MINISTRY.--The aspirant for the "tub," "born in a garret, in a kitchen bred," commences his spiritual career by announcing to the elect that he is almost sure that he has had a call (caul), for he has heard his mother say he was _born with one_. He may next exhibit his buffetings with Satan by showing the marks of the beast, in the shape of double-dealing, pettifogging, shuffling, cutting and cheating; he may next venture on the _new birth_.
He now attempts open-air preaching on Kennington Common, and exhibits spiritual rabidity in good earnest. He foams at the mouth, barks and bites, and yells in his ravings; calls himself from a pig to a dog, and from a dog to no gentleman. What is he? "A bundle of filthy rags," "a whited sepulchre," "a cancerous sore," a "sink of pollution," "a mass of corruption," "a cesspool," "a common sewer," "a worm," "a scorpion," "a snake," "a spider," "an adder." He may also charge himself with murder, abomination, witchcraft, lying, and every vice denounced in the Decalogue, on the principle of "the greater the sinner the greater the saint."