Part 1

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:

Italics have been transcribed using _underscores_, small capitals as ALL CAPITALS. Inconsistencies in hyphenation and spelling have not been corrected. Punctuation has been silently corrected. A list of other corrections can be found at the end of the document.

COMIC ARITHMETIC.

"Go the whole figure."--SAM SLICK.

LONDON: RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET.

1844.

LONDON: R. CLAY, PRINTER, BREAD STREET HILL.

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.

PAGE THE SIGN OF EQUALITY--"WHO ARE YOU?" 5 THE SIGN OF SUBTRACTION 6 A PLURALIST 6 THE SACRED HALTAR 7 DIVIDING THE CHINESE, A CUTTING JOKE 7 THE POOR CURATE--THE BISHOP 9 A SAVE-ALL 13 MIHI CURA FUTURI 14 A MAN OF MANY WOES 15 THE MAN WHO TAKES CARE OF NO. 1 22 "TAKE FROM" 25 TAKEN IN AND DONE FOR 27 "WHO STEALS MY PURSE STEALS TRASH." 28 "FORKING UP." 33 LAWYER DIVIDING THE OYSTER 37 THE LION'S SHARE 40 THE INSOLVENT TRAP.--"THE LAW BINDS, BUT THE LAW LOOSES" 44 "BLOWED PUFFERY" 50 "OUT OF PROPORTION" 52 CALLED TO ACCOUNT 54 "THE NEAREST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART" 55 A SLIDING SCALE 57 "BROKEN DOWN" 59 FRACTIONAL SIGNS 60 AN ANCIENT AND MODERN MUG 62 KNOCKING DOWN THE LOT 71 DONE BY INTEREST 72 AT A PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT 73 THE OLD AND NEW PRINCIPLE--BOTH WITH CREDIT 74 THE TIN-DER PASSION 76 FAITH AND DUTY 77 THE GALLIPOT CRANE 83 THE CARPENTER WOODPECKER 84 THE RED-TAPE SNIPE 85 THE HERON 86 A DECIMAL FIGURE 89 A STRONG TITHE 90 THE POINT OF THE BAYONET 91 PRACTISING AT EXETER HALL.--HULLA, BOYS, HULLA 97 PRACTISING FOR THE MINISTRY 102 PRACTISING FOR THE OPERA 104 DISCOUNTING FOR A MAN FORMERLY 112 MEASURING BY THE "YARD"--TRUE FIT 122 CHARLES I.--A BLOCK-HEAD 140 "ASSURANCE" 146 MUTUAL ASSURANCE 150 THE WORLD IS KEPT UP BY PUFF 177

PREFACE.

TO THE READER, OR RATHER TO THOSE WHO HESITATE IN BUYING THIS WORK.

"Good wine needs no bush," and, therefore, little by way of preface is necessary to this Work. "He who is ignorant of arithmetic," says Archimedes, "is but half a man." Therefore, for the sake of _manhood_, which drapers'-boys and lawyers'-clerks attempt by means of mustachoes and penny-cigars, read this Work,--for if the dead abstractions of this science will make a _man_, what must the living realities do?--Nothing less than a Phœnix D'Orsay, which is at least 1 man ¾ and ⅝.

Read this book, then, my friends, young and old. It teaches practical philosophy in every chapter; wisdom in every page; and common sense in every line. Get this manual at the fingers' ends of your mind, and your physical and mental powers will be so expanded that you will be able to catch a comet by the tail; take the moon by the horns; knock down the great wall of China, _à la Cribb_; or measure the spectre of the Brocken for a pair of breeches, and thus cut a pretty FIGURE.

FIGURES FOR THE MILLION.

Of Arithmetic and its Importance.

INTRODUCTION.

Arithmetic is the art or science of computing by numbers. It is national, political, military, and commercial. It is of the highest importance to the community; because it pre-eminently teaches us to take care of NUMBER I. Our ministers succeed according to their knowledge of the science of numbers. Witness the skilful management of majorities of the lower house.

He who understands the true art of _Addition_, _Subtraction_, _Multiplication_, and _Division_, as here laid down, will not be considered a mere _cipher_ in the world; but will, in all probability, make a considerable _figure_: and in the figurative words of Horace, be "Dives agris dives positis in fœnore nummis."

Let us, therefore, under the guidance and protection of that god of honest men, the light-heeled and light-fingered Mercury, be diligent so to _add_ to our store by _subtracting_ from the stores of others, that we may _add_ to our importance. Let us so _multiply_ our resources, by encouraging _division_ among our contemporaries, that we may see their _reduction_ in the perfection of our own _practice_.

"Rem facias; rem Recte si possis, sì non, quocunque Modo rem."[1] Hor.

[1] See page 19, (Addition,) for a poetical version of this maxim.

EXPLANATION OF ARITHMETICAL SIGNS AND CHARACTERS.

= Equality. The sign of equality: as, "A living beggar is better than a dead king;" or both being dead, are equal to each other.

-- Minus, less. The sign of subtraction; as, for instance, an elopement to Gretna; or, a knocking-down argument by the way-side, -- minus ticker. Take from -- from take.

+ Plus, or more. The sign of addition; as, 3 livings + to 1 = 4; or, 5 millions of new taxes + to 48 = 53.

× Multiplied by. The sign of multiplication: as, "The sun breeds maggots in a dead dog."--_See Shakspeare._ Or, "Money makes money."--_See Franklin._ Or, Anti-Malthus.--_See Ireland._

÷ Divided by. The sign of division. Example 1. The Whigs.--2. The Church. A house divided against itself. Division of property; the lion's share, &c.

SIGNS OF PROPORTION.

Is to: so is:: As Lord B---- IS TO Bishop P----, SO IS a blue musquito to a planter's nose.

As Sir R---- I---- IS TO J---- H----, SO IS a pair of donkey's-ears to a barber's-block.

As Tommy Duncombe IS TO Lord Stanley, SO IS shrimp-sauce to a boiled turbot.

RULE I.

NUMERATION.

Numeration teaches the different value of figures by their different _places_ (see Walkinghame, Court Guide, Law List, &c.); also the value of ciphers, or noughts, according to their relative situations (see Intellectual Calculator, or Martin's Arithmetical Frames). As regards the value of figures in places, we have illustrations in sinecures of all grades, from the Lords of the Treasury to the meanest underling of the Stamp-Office.

Place and pension make the _unit_ a _multitude_, according to the position of the noughts,--that is, that large portion of the public called the nobodies. The more a man is surrounded by his inferiors, the greater he becomes. Hence the necessity of restrictive tariffs to prevent wealth in a community,--and of impediments to education. It is not, therefore, _naughty_ for our betters to keep us down by any kind of mystification; as the sun always looks larger through a fog.

The value of figures and of ciphers will be well understood in the following table, which ought to be committed faithfully to memory. It will be seen that when the noughts, the nobodies, that is, the people, go before the legislative units, their value is consequently decreased; but when they follow as good backers in good measures, the value of the characters is increased _ad infinitum_.

TABLE I.--"LEGISLATION BEHIND THE PEOPLE."

The good old times.

{ 1 King. P { 20 Lords. E { 300 Tithe-eaters. O { 4000 Quarrel-mongers (lawyers). P { 50000 Men-killers (army). L { 600000 Land-swallowers (landlords). E { 7000000 Dividendists. . { 80000000 Pensioners. { 900000000 Sinecurists.

TABLE II.--LEGISLATION IN ADVANCE OF THE PEOPLE.

The new system, or march of intellect.

King 100000000 } Lords 20000000 } P Tithe-eaters 3000000 } E Quarrel-mongers 400000 } O Land-swallowers 50000 } P Dividendists 6000 } L Men-killers 700 } E Pensioners 80 } . Sinecurists 9 }

RULE II.

ADDITION.

Our life is an addition sum; sometimes long, sometimes short; and Death, with "jaws capacious," sums up the whole of our _hum_anity by making the "tottle" of the whole.

Man is an adding animal; his instinct is, to get. He is an illustration of the verb, to get, in all its inflexions and conjugations; and thus we get and beget, till we ourselves are added to our fathers.

There are many ways of performing addition, as in the following: a young grab-all comes upon the fumblers at long-taw, as Columbus did upon the Indians; or, as every thrifty nation does upon the weak or unsuspicious, and cries "_Smuggins_!"

Addition is also performed in a less daring manner by the save-all process, till Death, with his extinguisher, shuts the miser up in his own smoke.

Addition may also be performed by _subtraction_ by other methods. It is one to make "Jim along Josey!" the watchword, as Joey does in the pantomime.

If you would be merry, And never would fret, Then, get all you can, And keep all you get.

Addition teaches, also, to add _units_ together, and to find their sum total, as A + B = 2. A bachelor is a _unit_; a Benedict, _unitee_.

* * * * *

MATRIMONIAL ADDITION.--By common ciphering 1 and 1 make 2. But, by the mathematics of matrimony, 1 and 1 will produce from 1 to 20, arranged in row, one above another, like a flight of stairs. They make a pretty addition to a man's _effects_, as well as to his _income_; and, if not themselves _capital_, are a _capital_ stimulus to exertion. Surrounded by these special pleaders, a man becomes as sharp-set as a Lancashire ferret, and looks as fierce as a rat-catcher's dog at a sink-hole. Such men ought to be labelled, "Beware of this unfortunate dog!" for he would bite at a file!

* * * * *

ADDING TO YOUR NAME.--This is another mode of performing addition. It is not necessary to go to an university for this, any more than it is necessary to go to a church to get married. The thing can now be done without it. Schoolmasters, and pettifoggers of all kinds, will find this an excellent piece of practical wisdom.

"ADDITION FOR COMMON NAMES."

The Reverend Dr. O'Crikey, D.D.--_Duke of Dunces, or Dull Donkey._ The Reverend Samuel Snuffers, A.M.--_A Muff._ John Petty Fog, Esq. LL.D.--_Deuced Lying Lawyer._ The Right Hon. Lord Dolittle, F.S.A.--_Fumbler in Science and Art._ The Most Noble the Marquis of Sligo, F.R.S.--_Fellow of the Rigmarol Society._ The Lord Knowswho, F.A.S.--_Fool a star-gazing._ Jeremy Stonybatter, F.G.S.--_Fluking of the Gammoning Society._ Billy Buttercup, Esq. F.L.S.--_First of the Lubberhead Society._ Captain Marlinspike, F.N.S.--_Fellow of no Society._

_ADDING_ TO A STORY.

"Oh! Mrs. Wiggins, I declare I never heard the like! The wretch knows how to curse and swear, To bite, and scratch, and strike!

"All day he's tossicated, and All night he roams about; But that is lucky, sure, for he Is worse when in than out."

"If this is what you get when wed, I'm glad I yet have tarried:-- Better to keep one's single bed, Than venture to get married.

"But such a monster! By and by That idle minx, his wife, With all her mawkish tenderness, Must 'gainst him swear her life.

"The fine piano long ago, Just after my last rout, With candlesticks and cruets too, Are all gone up the spout.

"And bills return'd, as I have heard, Last week, one, two, or three; And summonses for grocery-- 'Tis nothing, though, to me.

"They live like cat and dog. I own She always _was_ a scold. She broke the table on his crown; So I was lately told.

"'Tis nothing, though, my dear, to me, As I before have said. If married people don't agree, They ought not to get wed."

To go back a little to first principles, which should never be lost sight of in the teaching of any art or science, we must set forth the grand leading rule before our pupils. Addition teaches, therefore,

1. To get all we can. 2. To keep all we get.

SONG.

"Argent comptant."

PARENTAL ADVICE.--RULE I.

Get money, my son, get money, Honestly if you can; It makes life sweet as honey-- My son, get money, get money!

Don't stand upon ceremony, Or you may look mighty funny; But make it your constant song, Get money, get money, get money!

Money makes the mare to go, boy, Where every path looks sunny. Go it! my lad, through thick and thin; Get money, get money, get money!

RULE II.--TAKE CARE OF NO. I.

No. I.--O! since the world was made from 0, And since old Time began, The maxim was, and still must be, Take care of No. I.

Look at the "Times," our oracle, As sure as any gun, With hand upon the dial-plate, It points to No. I.[2]

The mouthing prigs of Parliament, With long yarns nightly spun, Watch well for place and patronage, And all for No. I.

And those who preach of charity, Enough your ears to stun, In making up their long accounts, Take care of No. I.

One follows law, one physic serves, As shadows serve the sun; But briefs, and draughts, and boluses All make for No. I.

And those that oft make love more sweet Than cakes of Sally Lunn, In all their ardour ever have An eye to No. I.

In short, mankind, both young and old, When serious or in fun, From hour to hour, from day to day, Take care of No. I.

The rich, the poor, both high and low, Ay, every mother's son, From Court to Poor-law Union, Take care of No. I.

Too bad it is to be a bore, And so my strain is done, Except it is to say once more, Take care of No. I.

[2] Any one wishing to observe this great lesson to all mankind set forth by the leading journal of Europe, has only to look at the little vignette at the top of the leading article of the "Times."

RULE III.

SUBTRACTION.

"I'll example you with thievery. The sun's a thief, and with his great _subtraction_ Robs the vast sea. The moon's an arrant thief, And her pale fire she snatches from the sun. The sea's a thief, whose liquid surge resolves The moon into salt tears. The earth's a thief, That feeds and breeds by a composture stolen From general excrement: each thing's a thief. The laws you curb and whip in their rough power Have uncheck'd theft. All that you meet are THIEVES."

Shakspere.

Subtraction teaches to "take from" or to find the difference of two numbers; having taken too much _in_, and slept _out_; to find the difference in sovereigns and shillings between that and sleeping at home according to the "conventional laws of virtuous propriety." (_Vide_ Miss Martineau.)

The figures are to be arranged in subtraction one under the other; that line expressing the highest number, being placed above the line expressing the smaller number. In this arrangement, the upper line is called the _subtrahend_, and the lower the _subtractor_; the difference is called the _remainder_. Our readers, the million, are the subtrahend. The following are subtractors:--

Corn and sugar monopolists. Tax-collector. Easter dues, beadle and clerk. Poor-rate. Christmas-box and Christmas-piece. Subscriptions for Chiggered Niggers. Parson Smith and his orphans. Poor relations.

The Rule of Subtraction is perhaps the most useful in either national, political, or commercial Arithmetic; "TAKE FROM" being the universal maxim of mankind from the day that Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit. In sacred history we find various exemplifications of the principle: Jacob made use of it when he obtained his brother's birthright and his blessing; David, when he took the wife of Uriah. Profane or classical history abounds with examples. It was the royal and sacerdotal rule, in all climes, countries, and times. Kings have grown thrifty by it, and conquerors invincible. "_Take from_" is, in short, the motto of the legislators; and _rhetoric_ the soldier's _watchword_, the prince's _condescension_, the courtezan's _smile_, the lawyer's _brief_, the priest's _prayer_, and the tradesman's _craft_. The use of this rule, is to enable us to "do one another," not "as we would be done," without the contravention of the majesty of the law.

"For why--because the good old rule Suffices us--the simple plan, That they should _take_ who have the power, And they should _keep_--who can."

We have had some amusing ways of performing this rule in "by-gone ages." Among the most celebrated, were _Indulgences_ and _Benevolences_. They worked well for those who worked ill, and led to a multiplication of heresies.

Subtraction is perhaps one of the most fashionable of all the rules; and any one who sets himself down for a gentleman must expect to be beset by a swarm of hungry locusts, who make a rule to bleed him at every pore till he becomes poor. When Edward the First took the wealth of the Jews and their teeth at the same time, he showed a fatherly consideration for those who having nothing to eat wanted neither incisores, cuspidati, bicuspidæ, or molarii. But we are to be nipped, and squeezed, and tapped, and leeched, and drained to all eternity, and are still expected to--give.

_To take in._--This rule not only teaches us to take from, but also to take in, which is to take from, with true tact and skill. England is the Land of Goshen in this particular, and Smithfield the focus of the art, whence the first rule for selling a horse is--

1. Take in your own father, Or, if you would rather, You may take in your mother, Or humbug your brother; And though you just kissed her, Bamboozle your sister; Or you may send For your friend; Or, still fond of pelf, If you can't find an elf, You may take in yourself.

SUBTRACTION OF CHARACTER, OR _DE_-TRACTION.

The rules already given for performing this branch of arithmetic apply to money matters; but the perfection of the art consists, not in simply taking from another what you want yourself, but that which does not enrich you, but makes him poor indeed. This has been styled, by way of eminence, the devil's subtraction, being the general essence of the black art. It is called _De_traction.

Detraction may be performed in a variety of ways, as for example:--"Oh, I know him--his great grandfather was--but no matter, and his mother--no better than she should be, but I hate to speak evil of the dead. I have enough to do to mind my own business--and yet one cannot help knowing--but yet nobody knows what he is or how he gets his money. He makes a show certainly, but I like things to be paid for before they are sported. His wife, too--what was she, do you suppose? As I have heard, a cook in a tradesman's family.--Well, a cook is not so bad after all--I am sure it is better than a doctor. But I believe he was forced to marry her.--Poor woman, she suffered, I dare say--Well, it is well it is no worse--It was the only amends he could make her--It would have been a cruel thing for the poor innocent children to be born illegitimate.--But he is still very gay--These sort of men will be--but there will be an _exposé_ some day. Things can't go on for ever--Well, I wish them no harm, poor creatures--But do you go to their party to-night?--I go only for the sake of seeing how madam cook conducts the entertainment."

* * * * *

RULE FOR LADIES WITH REGARD TO THEIR RIVALS.--Should any lady be so unfortunate as to fear a rival in the affections of some simple-hearted swain in the personal attractions of some youthful beauty whom he has never seen, it must be her method not to vilify her character or underrate her accomplishments,--no, this is but sorry skill. The more delicate and refined way of _subtracting_ from her merits will be to employ unbounded panegyric, so as to raise the expectations of the feared admirer, that the real shall fall infinitely short of the ideal. This is another mode of performing _subtraction_ by _addition_.

* * * * *

LITERARY SUBTRACTION.--This is of essential service to editors, reviewers, and others, who, having nothing good of their own with which to amuse the public, steal the brains of others.

_Rule._--Take from a work published at a guinea all its cream and quintessence, under pretence of praising it into immortality through the pages of your fourpenny review. "_Castrant alios, ut libros suos per se graciles alieno adipe suffarciant._"

* * * * *

MERCANTILE SUBTRACTION.--It is well understood in this country, that no honest man can get a living, in consequence of the extraordinary competition among us. It is therefore considered legal and justifiable for the baker to "take toll" and make "dead men;" for the licensed victualler to make "two butts out of one;" for the wine-merchant to "doctor" his port; for the butcher to "hang on Jemmy;" for the printer to make "corrections;" for the tailor to "cabbage;" for the grocer to "sand his sugar and birch-broom his tea." The milkman "waters his milk" by act of parliament; and to show that all this is in the order of Providence, the rains of heaven _wet the coals_.

* * * * *

NATIONAL OR POLITICAL SUBTRACTION.--There is one part of the New Testament which all Christian rulers have religiously observed, namely, "Now, Cæsar issued a decree that all the world should be taxed." The art of taxation is, therefore, not only a religious obligation, but is the science of sciences and the most important part of National Arithmetic.