Part 8

LADY. Yes; all things considered, I decidedly prefer this carriage to the ladies' compartment, where there's only room for one, and then what should I do with my packages? Besides, ladies are not so _remarkably_ agreeable among themselves; while here-- (_looking about her_). Let me see, which corner shall I take? I think this will do (_indicating the seat which the GENTLEMAN has just left_); one's face to the engine, and not so likely to be troubled by people getting in and out; yes, this will do very well indeed! (_during this she removes the GENTLEMAN'S effects from first chair L. H. to the opposite chair at R._) And after all, provided one has a _gentleman_ for a travelling companion, a host of these little difficulties soon disappear! (_Seats herself on first chair L. H._). There! I shall do very nicely here--very nicely indeed! (_Here the GENTLEMAN appears outside at door C._) Some one's coming! one of the opposite sex! I _hope_ a gentleman. Suppose I pretend to be asleep? I will! I'll shut my eyes, and then I shall be able to judge of his appearance! (_wraps herself up so as to conceal her face, and pretends to be asleep_).

GENTLEMAN (_entering at door and stamping his feet_). I feel all the better! Thanks to a glass of sherry and half a dozen rapid turns up and down the platform, the circulation is re-established; so now for another dose of pins and needles. Holloa! what's this?--my seat taken, and all my things bundled away anyhow on another seat! Well, of all the cool proceedings-- (_To the LADY._) I beg pardon, madam, but-- Asleep? Rather a sudden attack of drowsiness, considering she can't have been here more than five minutes! However, she's a lady--at least she looks like one, though she _is_ such a cool hand, and I can't be so ungallant as to turn her out, especially as she looks so snug and comfortable! I must take another corner! (_He seats himself on second chair at L. H., partly turning his back to the LADY._)

LADY (_aside and partly uncovering her face_). I knew these little difficulties would soon arrange themselves! (_wraps herself up as before_).

GENTLEMAN (_fidgeting about in his seat_). I was much more comfortable in my own seat. There was a nice hollow for one's back there; but here there's a confounded lump that's positively painful! I must confess I have found that women in general haven't the slightest hesitation in taking advantage of one if they possibly can. Here's an instance; just as I had got used to my seat, in comes one of the weaker sex and turns me out bag and baggage! They know their power, and abuse it: too bad! Now (_looking aside at LADY_) if my neighbor were but young--and pretty into the bargain--but no; catch a woman wrapping herself up like that when she _is_ young (_gaping_) and pretty! (_His head nods once or twice, and he falls asleep._)

GUARD (_without_). Take your seats! Any more going on?

LADY (_cautiously peeping at GENTLEMAN, then uncovering, and aside_). So it seems I shall have no other travelling companion but this gentleman! (_Here loud railway-whistle heard, and noise of train starting._) We're off. (_Looking at GENTLEMAN again._) I must say he appears to be perfectly harmless and inoffensive. (_GENTLEMAN snores._) What did he say? (_A louder snore from GENTLEMAN_). Well, if that's a specimen of his conversation, it isn't likely to compromise one! (_Another snore._) I may as well go to sleep myself, and then, perhaps, I may be able to join in the _conversation_ too! (_Wraps herself up, but this time allows her face to remain uncovered; closes her eyes; pause._)

GENTLEMAN (_suddenly waking and shifting his position_). Decidedly, of all the uncomfortable seats this is the most uncomfortable. I _should_ like to know what they stuff their cushions with; I feel as if I'd got a quartern loaf at my back! (_Taking a rapid glance at LADY, then, in a savage tone._) _She_ seems comfortable enough! How absurd--how ridiculous of me not to have demanded--not to have in-sis-ted. (_Looking again at LADY._) By Jove, she _is_ young! and by no means bad-looking! Bad-looking! she's pretty--_very_ pretty--_excessively_ pretty! and to think I should have actually gone to sleep in her presence! One never knows what one does in one's sleep; luckily, I never snore; that's one comfort! (_Takes off his travelling-cap, arranges his hair, cravat, etc._) How soundly she sleeps--if she _does_ sleep! (_in doubt_). When one is _really_ asleep--I mean _fast_ asleep--it isn't usual to wear a smile on one's face; on the contrary, one's face generally gets ugly! I'll be bound that just now I was positively hideous! (_He coughs loudly, the LADY moves._) She wakes! (_Suddenly and loudly._) What a beautiful country! what a lovely green on those meadows! (_LADY keeps silence._) I'll try again! (_Still louder._) How unusually beautiful are the autumn tints, especially so early in the spring! (_Pause; aside._) No response? She must have taken a sleeping draught!

LADY (_pretending to wake_). A thousand pardons, sir; did you speak?

GENTLEMAN. I was merely observing what a lovely meadow on those greens! I mean (_another pause_) I hear the harvest is likely to be a plentiful one, although I'm told that turnips are backward; I haven't heard anything about carrots.

LADY (_in an indifferent tone_). I beg pardon; were you speaking to me? (_Aside._) Some gentleman farmer, evidently.

GENTLEMAN (_nettled, and imitating her--aside_). "Were you speaking to me?" I rather think I _was_ speaking to her! Holloa! she's off to sleep again! No one can call _her_ particularly wide-awake. Well, since she's off into land of dreams again, I don't see why I shouldn't indulge in a cigarette (_takes out some cigarette papers, tobacco pouch, spreads them on his knees and proceeds to make a cigarette; then stops_). Stop, though! I can't smoke without first asking her permission; of course not! (_Aloud, and coughing._) Ahem! (_Watching her._) Sound as a top! Try again! (_Coughing louder._) Ahem! (_The LADY opens her eyes and moves impatiently--aside._) That did it!

GENTLEMAN (_apologetically_). My cough is rather troublesome, ma'am.

LADY. I find it so--very!

GENTLEMAN (_aside_). Well! that's about the rudest thing I've heard for some time! (_Aloud._) I was about to ask you whether you object to the smell of tobacco?

LADY. Oh, not at all, sir!

GENTLEMAN. Thank you! (_proceeds to make his cigarette, and about to light it_).

LADY. I mean, not till it's lighted!

GENTLEMAN. Oh, I see; and then you do?

LADY. Very much, indeed!

GENTLEMAN. Even when you are asleep? (_in an insinuating tone_).

LADY (_slowly and decisively_). Whether I am awake _or_ asleep, sir!

GENTLEMAN (_aside_). Now that's what I call selfish--just as if the smoke _could_ get up her nose when her eyes are shut! (_putting away his smoking apparatus. Aside_). I must say I _have_ met more agreeable young ladies--_very much_ more agreeable--in fact, I may say I never remember meeting one _less_ agreeable. Well, I sha'n't disturb the "Sleeping Beauty" again in a hurry. Now for another nap! (_sulkily crams smoking apparatus into his pocket, draws his cap very much over his head, stands up, folds himself up in his rug, and then flounces down on his seat again, partially turning his back to the LADY_).

LADY. (_slowly turning her head and taking a glance at GENTLEMAN_). Well, I must confess he put away his smoking apparatus with a very good grace! (_Sees newspaper._) Some one has left a newspaper! (_Taking newspaper and reading._) Um, um! _Plymouth Gazette._ "Foreign News," "Paris Fashions," "Early Strawberries." What's this? "Escape of a convict. We learn that Benjamin Burkshaw, a criminal of the most desperate character, effected his escape from Dartmoor prison yesterday. The following is his description: Age, not exactly known; eyes, nothing peculiar; wears a long black beard--has probably cut it off; walks slightly lame with one leg, uncertain which; supposed to have directed his steps towards London, or in some other direction." Dear me! it is just possible he may be in this very train! (_looking aside at the GENTLEMAN, then reading again_). "Middle height" (_looking again at GENTLEMAN_); "inclined to be stout" (_another look at GENTLEMAN_); he's so rolled up in his rug one can't judge! (_Reads again._) "Slightly bald, with a scar on left side of forehead" (_here the GENTLEMAN in his sleep hastily pulls his travelling-cap over his forehead; the LADY gives a sudden start, and recoils as far as possible from the GENTLEMAN_). How very suddenly he pulled his cap over his forehead--and the left side of it too! Pshaw! how foolish, how absurd of me! (_Reads paper again, and then closes her eyes once more._)

GENTLEMAN (_rousing himself_). It's no use! I can't get a wink of sleep, except by fits and starts--principally starts! (_Looking at LADY._) Still asleep! and no book to read except this "Illustrated Guide through England and Wales." However, that's better than "Bradshaw." (_During above he has taken a book out of his bag, and cuts the leaves with a paper-knife; turns over leaves._) What's this? (_Reads._) "Maidenhead. It was in the neighborhood of this picturesque town that the famous Dick Turpin--" (_Here the LADY and GENTLEMAN are suddenly thrown forward._)

LADY (_alarmed_). What a shock! Has anything happened?

GENTLEMAN (_indifferently_). Nothing of consequence! merely the train passing over something--or somebody!

LADY (_aside_). Rather an unfeeling remark! (_Aloud._) Can you tell me where we are, sir? I am quite a stranger to this line.

GENTLEMAN. We _should_ be near Slough. You may not be aware, madam, that it was here that--(_taking a peep aside at his book_)--"that the famous Dick Turpin"--you've heard of Dick Turpin, of course--the celebrated highwayman? (_LADY shakes her head_). Well, it was here that he was in the habit of spending his leisure hours--I mean when he'd nothing better to do--in--in (_taking another peep at book_)--"in planting potatoes!"--Poor Dick! my great-grandfather saw him hanged!

LADY (_shocked_). Hanged?

GENTLEMAN. Yes--I forget exactly what for--something about putting an old lady on the kitchen fire!

LADY (_indignantly_). Surely, never was a fate more richly deserved!

GENTLEMAN. On the contrary, she was quite a respectable sort of old body!

LADY (_aloud, and in a satirical tone_). Thanks, sir, for your kind and _interesting_ information!

GENTLEMAN (_modestly_). Don't mention it, I beg!

LADY (_aside_). A newspaper correspondent, perhaps! I prefer that to a farmer!

GENTLEMAN (_after a short pause_). I find the sun rather too warm on this side of the carriage, madam--will it inconvenience you if I take this seat? (_indicating first chair at R._).

LADY. Not in the least! Indeed, I should have the less right to object, as I am afraid I have appropriated _yours;_ and by far the more comfortable one, I suspect!

GENTLEMAN. You simply foresaw that I should offer it to you, madam!

LADY. Oh, sir! (_bowing_).

GENTLEMAN. Oh, madam! (_bowing; he removes things from where the LADY had placed them, and seats himself opposite to her_).

LADY (_aside_). Really a very pleasant, agreeable fellow!

GENTLEMAN (_aside_). Her full face is even better than her profile! (_Aloud, and in a sentimental tone._) Ah, madam! would it were in my power to prolong this pleasant journey--this delightful _tête-à-tête!_

LADY (_with dignity_). Sir!

GENTLEMAN (_aside_). That's no go! (_Aloud._) I mean, madam, that one seems to travel _too_ fast nowadays! (_LADY expresses surprise._) In fact, we're _all_ too fast!

LADY (_severely_). Sir!

GENTLEMAN (_aside_). _That's_ no go! (_Aloud._) We've only to contrast the present with the time when the wife of one of our ancient kings traversed the whole of England by easy stages of five miles a day!

LADY. Of whom do you speak?

GENTLEMAN. Of--of-- (_Aside._) Hang me if I know! (_Aloud._) Of Tabitha--I mean Elgitha, the wife of--Edmund--Sobersides--I should say Ironsides! But without going quite so far back, madam, I confess I often regret the days of those heavy old stage-coaches called "High-flyers," "Eclipses," and "Rockets."

LADY (_smiling_). Because they went so slowly?

GENTLEMAN. Precisely. Still, it had its advantages--it gave one an opportunity to make the acquaintance of one's travelling companions--to establish a friendly feeling--perhaps one of a more _tender_ nature! (_with a tender look at the LADY_).

LADY (_with a stare of astonishment_). Sir!

GENTLEMAN (_aside_). It's no use. I won't try any more! (_Aloud, and in a more colloquial tone._) Besides, in a stage-coach there was always the chance of one of those little adventures that so often happened on the road!

LADY. You mean attacks by highwaymen, such as your _friend_ Mr.--Turpin--who had a weakness for putting respectable old ladies on the kitchen fire? (_smiling satirically--then, changing her tone_). I remember myself a certain event which happened some five or six years ago when we were travelling.

GENTLEMAN. _We?_ You and your pa and ma, probably?

LADY. My husband and I!

GENTLEMAN. Husband? you are married, ma'am! actually, positively married?

LADY. Alas, sir! (_sighing_).

GENTLEMAN (_aside_). I see! an unhappy union!--an ill-assorted match--poor soul! (_Aloud._) Ah, madam, you are not the only one of your too confiding sex who have found marriage a bed of roses--I mean, of nettles, instead of one of nettles--I mean roses!

LADY. But, sir--you mistake--alas, sir, I am a widow!

GENTLEMAN. A widow? I'm delighted to hear it! No, I'm not! of course not! I deeply sympathize with you--as I always do with widows--I know what it is myself. But you mustn't give way--you'll get used to it in time--like the eels--no, not like the eels--but you were about to mention some adventure which happened to you while travelling with--the late lamented. (_Noise heard of train gradually stopping--engine, railway-bell, whistle, etc._)

VOICE (_outside, gradually approaching_). "Slough! Slough! change for Windsor; all tickets ready."

GENTLEMAN (_angrily_). All tickets ready! these railway companies are perfectly absurd, with their mania for examining tickets! (_feeling in his pocket_).

LADY (_smiling_). Another advantage of the good old coaching days!

GENTLEMAN. Yes, quite so! (_feeling again in his pockets, one after the other_). Ah! here it is--no, it isn't--how very odd; now I've got it--no, I haven't! (_diving in his pockets again_).

LADY. I'm afraid you've lost your ticket, sir.

GENTLEMAN. Oh no! I haven't _lost_ it--only I can't find it!

LADY. You may have dropped it? (_looking about on floor_).

GENTLEMAN. Pray don't trouble yourself; I shall be sure to find it--(_aside_) as soon as I've paid for another! (_Aloud._) I'll just speak to the station-master. Excuse me a moment? (_LADY bows, GENTLEMAN exit at C., and disappears towards L. H._)

LADY. Poor fellow! no wonder he dislikes railways if he's in the habit of losing his ticket every time he travels!

_GUARD appears at door C._

GUARD (_to LADY_). Ticket, please, ma'am? (_Takes ticket, and returns it to LADY._) Thank you, ma'am. (_Seeing the GENTLEMAN'S bag, etc., on seat._) These things belong to you, ma'am?

LADY. Oh no!

GUARD. Has any one left this carriage?

LADY. Yes! a gentleman--not a minute ago.

GUARD (_sulkily_). How can I examine people's tickets when they get out at every station?

LADY. He fancies he has lost his ticket.

GUARD (_suspiciously_). Lost his ticket?--what a pity! (_Aside._) That's an old dodge! (_Aloud._) Is the gentleman one of your party, ma'am?

LADY. Oh dear no! only so far as we are journeying in the same compartment.

GUARD (_examining the GENTLEMAN'S bag_). No name on his travelling-bag--that's queer! We're expected to keep both eyes open on this line, ma'am--only yesterday we nabbed a desperate bank forger at this very station; and we're on the lookout for an escaped convict to-day!

LADY (_aside_). An escaped convict? that dreadful Mr. Burkshaw, no doubt? Not a very cheerful subject of conversation--I'm really getting quite nervous! (_collecting her packages and rising_).

GUARD. Going to get out, ma'am?

LADY. Yes, I should prefer the ladies' compartment.

GUARD. No room there, ma'am; eight of 'em already, besides babies!

LADY. I may get into another carriage, I presume?

GUARD. Certainly, ma'am. Good-day, ma'am (_goes out at door_).

LADY. Stop! stop! Help me out! Guard! guard! (_calling_).

GUARD (_outside_). Can't stop now, ma'am. Train just going on.

LADY. This is really too bad! Can't even change carriages on this line, which seems to be especially patronized by the criminal classes! But pshaw! I'm alarming myself unnecessarily. Is it likely that this gentleman--and he _is_ a gentleman--who seems to be on intimate terms with the wife of Edmund Ironsides--can possibly have any connection with-- How absurd of me! I really ought to be ashamed of myself. (_Seeing the paper-knife which the GENTLEMAN has left on seat._) What a strange-looking paper-knife--quite a formidable weapon! _Is_ it a paper-knife? it looks more like a stiletto! (_Taking up paper-knife very carefully between her finger and thumb, and then quickly dropping it again_). Such an instrument as that was never made to cut _leaves!_ It looks much adapted to-- (_Shuddering._) How ridiculous of me! My silly fears are running away with me again. Ha, ha, ha! (_forcing a laugh_).

GUARD (_without_). Take your seats!

_GENTLEMAN hurries in at C. The LADY suddenly stops laughing, and gets as far as she can into her corner._

GENTLEMAN. I've found my ticket! I knew I should the moment I bought another. (_Takes his seat. To the LADY_). Where do you suppose it was?--you'll never guess. In my purse, where I always put my tickets! Ha, ha, ha!

LADY (_aside_). He _had_ a ticket, then?

GENTLEMAN. It is very kind of you to interest yourself in the misfortunes of a stranger (_bowing_).

LADY. Is it not natural?

GENTLEMAN. It seems to be so to _you,_ madam (_bowing again and moving a little towards LADY, who retreats_).

LADY (_aside_). If I could only induce him to remove his travelling-cap--not that I should discover the slightest scar on _his_ forehead--I should then be completely reassured. (_Suddenly._) Pardon me--is not that a friend of yours bowing to you on the other platform? (_indicating the audience_).

GENTLEMAN. Bowing to me? where? (_putting his hand to his cap_).

LADY (_pointing_). There! (_Aside._) Now for it!

GENTLEMAN (_lowering his hand again without removing his cap_). No, ma'am, I don't know him; besides, he's not bowing to me.

LADY (_aside_). That's a failure!

GENTLEMAN. Holloa! Somebody's been moving my things!

LADY. Yes, the guard!--he seemed curious--I might say _anxious_--to ascertain if your name was on your travelling-bag!

GENTLEMAN. Very inquisitive of him! Why should I make my name public property?--there may be reasons why I should _not!_--pressing reasons! You can understand that, madam?

LADY. Y--es! I'm afraid I can--I mean, of course I can!

GENTLEMAN. But, as I was saying, the interest you have so kindly taken in me--a perfect stranger--

LADY (_very quickly_). Not at all, sir; on the contrary! No--that is--

GENTLEMAN. Permit me to continue. That interest, I repeat, comes naturally to _you,_ blessed, as I'm sure you are, with so sweet, so gentle, so affectionate a disposition.

LADY (_very quickly_). Quite the reverse, I assure you, sir--I've a dreadful temper!

GENTLEMAN. Again: that charming hand is not less characteristic; it requires but one glance at those delicately tapered fingers-- (_About to take her hand; LADY hastily withdraws it._)

LADY (_aside_). I do believe the man's going to make love to me!

GENTLEMAN. But stay: I see one line here that is singularly prominent; permit me (_taking LADY'S hand_).

LADY (_aside_). I'm quite at his mercy! Not the slightest use my screaming!

GENTLEMAN (_looking at her hand_). Yes, a very sudden intersection, threatening, I fear, some personal danger.

LADY (_alarmed_). Yes, very likely! (_Aside._) How intently he fixes his eyes on my diamond ring!

GENTLEMAN. But were you not saying that you had once been exposed to some peril in travelling?

LADY. Yes; but I was not _alone_ then.

GENTLEMAN. The "late lamented," I presume?

LADY. Yes; we were attacked by robbers in crossing the Pyrenees! (_Very quickly._) Not that I particularly object to robbers! In fact, I rather like them! (_Aside._) I may as well try what a little flattery will do.

GENTLEMAN (_still holding her hand_). You have a remarkably fine diamond here, madam!

LADY. Yes, a very good _imitation,_ isn't it?

GENTLEMAN. Excuse me. I cannot mistake a diamond--no, no; I've had too many pass through my hands to do that!

LADY (_aside_). I'm afraid he has!

GENTLEMAN. And yet there's a flaw in it--if you'll allow me, I'll point it out to you. (_Looking about, then suddenly taking up the paper-knife; the LADY screams._) I'm afraid I alarmed you!

LADY (_trying to be calm_). Oh dear no! and if you've quite done examining my hand--

GENTLEMAN. Quite, madam! (_releasing her hand_).

LADY. And you detect no further threatening of--personal danger?

GENTLEMAN. None whatever!

LADY. Then you are a believer in spiritualism and phrenology, and all that sort of thing?

GENTLEMAN. Certainly I am! May I ask, madam, if you have ever examined the head of a criminal?

LADY (_shocked_). Never, sir!

GENTLEMAN. Perhaps you have never even been brought into personal contact with one?

LADY. Certainly not, sir; though I'm sure I should feel the greatest pity for him--I should, indeed! (_in a commiserating tone_).

GENTLEMAN. Understand me; I don't allude to the _milder_ class of criminals, such as thieves, robbers, forgers, burglars, and such like; but one of those desperate fellows who--who--in fact, who _stick at nothing!_ By-the-bye, I have a collection here of photographs of some of our most notorious criminals, which I think would interest you.

LADY (_shuddering_). Yes--intensely!

GENTLEMAN (_opening his travelling-bag_). Ah! (_producing a revolver_) there's rather a curious story connected with this revolver!

LADY (_alarmed, and trying to look unconcerned_). Indeed?

GENTLEMAN. I never travel without one--every chamber loaded and ready for use, so that I have six lives at my disposal--a very comfortable feeling to have! Don't you think so?

LADY. Yes, very much so, indeed!

GENTLEMAN. Here are the photographs (_producing packet_); here is one of them (_about to show a portrait_). No, I make a mistake; this is one of myself.

LADY (_aghast_). Yours?

GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). Yes! this is the one! (_presenting a second portrait_). You'll observe a remarkable protuberance of this part of the skull (_pointing to it_); that's the organ of destructiveness. I have it myself, only not _quite_ so strongly developed! (_touching his head_); don't you perceive it?

LADY. Yes--I--see! But I confess I cannot understand how _you_ happen to be in possession of these _remarkably interesting_--works of art?

GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). A very simple matter--my occupation necessitates my associating with this particular class of "her Majesty's subjects"--as I happen to be--

LADY (_quickly_). Hush! I know! You need not tell me!

GENTLEMAN (_anxiously_). What is the matter? You are positively trembling--with cold, no doubt! Allow me to wrap this rug round you.

LADY. No, no!

GENTLEMAN. Nay, I insist! (_placing his rug round LADY'S feet_).

LADY. But you will feel the want of it yourself, especially as it seems you have passed the night in the train!

GENTLEMAN. Exactly! Six hours ago I was in Dartmoor Prison!

LADY. Dartmoor! (_Aside._) He confesses it!

GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). Not a very attractive residence. I would gladly have left it before, but, unfortunately, I was detained!

LADY. Detained!

GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). I may say _chained_ to it--by my confounded profession!