Part 7

MRS. P. And in the possession of ample means.

FANNY (_aside_). Augustus has got ever so much already, besides two rich maiden aunts and an aged godmother!

MRS. P. All of which qualifications are, fortunately, in the possession of Sir Marmaduke Mangle!

FANNY. Sir Marmaduke Mangle? Lor, mamma, you can't mean that little old man we met at Brighton, with a bad cough, a wig, and a canary-colored complexion?

MRS. P. He's not old by any means, and is only _slightly_ canary-colored after all! However, he has seen you, he admires you, and offers you his hand, his heart, his title, and his fortune!

FANNY. But I don't love _him,_ mamma! I never _could_ love him--even if I didn't love somebody else!

MRS. P. (_starting_). What's that I hear? You love somebody else?

FANNY. Yes, and one who loves _me,_ and one I'm determined to marry, or die an old maid. There!

MRS. P. (_angrily_). Silence, miss!

FANNY (_impatiently_). I won't silence! If you think Sir Marmaduke such a very great catch, marry him yourself! I'll consent to it, and give you away into the bargain! It's quite evident you were never in love!

MRS. P. I beg your pardon! I _was,_ intensely, with a youthful doctor! (_Aside._) Poor Vicessimus! Ah! (_giving a long sigh_). Nevertheless, I married your father--and we were not so _very_ unhappy, considering! (_To FANNY, who is about to speak._) Not another word! My mind is made up, so the sooner you make up _yours_ to become Lady Mangle the better!

_Enter MRS. MAJOR and MAJOR at C., followed by JOSEPH._

MRS. MAJOR. Nothing so simple, Joseph! Tell Mary to put up a bed for Miss Fanny in her mamma's room!

MRS. P. (_sharply_). What's that? Put up a bed in my room?

MRS. MAJOR. Yes! Why not?

MRS. P. Because I won't allow it!

MAJOR (_aside_). There they are, at it again!

FANNY. But why can't I have my own snug little room?

MRS. MAJOR. The fact is, I have made a work-room of it for myself; besides, Fanny's proper place is with her mother.

MRS. P. Quite out of the question! The slightest noise disturbs my sleep.

FANNY. But I sleep so very quietly, mamma--you'd scarcely hear me breathe; _I_ don't, and as for snoring--

MRS. P. I won't hear another word.

MAJOR. But, hang it all, Fanny must sleep _somewhere!_ She requires a horizontal position as much as other people.

MRS. P. Then let her find one--but not in _my_ room!

MRS. MAJOR. I insist on my wishes being carried out.

FANNY (_aside to MAJOR_). Oh, brother Jeremiah, if I was only in your place just for five minutes!

MAJOR (_aside_). She's quite right! I'm master here after all, confound it! If I'm _not_, I ought to be; and if I ought to be, I _will_ be, confound it! (_Aloud, and assuming an authoritative manner._) My patience is exhausted! Anarchy has presided too long over my domestic hearth.

FANNY (_aside to him_). Confound it!

MAJOR. Confound it!

MRS. P. } } Quite true! MRS. MAJOR. }

MAJOR. And henceforth I'm determined to be master of my own house. (_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it!

MAJOR. But there must be a mistress as well.

MRS. P. } } Of course! Well (_anxiously_), decide between us. MRS. MAJOR. }

MAJOR. That's what I'm going to do. (_Aside._) It's really very awkward! My mother screams loudest, but my wife screams longest; besides, I only hear my mother in the day, whereas my wife--

MRS. P. (_to MAJOR_). Well? which of the two is to be mistress here?

MRS. MAJOR. Yes, which of the two?

MAJOR (_after a violent effort_). My wife! There! I've said it. (_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it!

MRS. P. Ah! (_screaming and falling into a chair_).

MRS. MAJOR. Come, major, and as your reward you shall hear me issue my orders in such a style.

[_Exit at L. H., hurrying MAJOR with her, and calling, as she goes out,_ Joseph! Mary! Sophia!

MRS. P. (_suddenly starting up from her chair_). So! she--_she's_ to be everybody, and _I'm_ to be nobody! a cipher, a nonentity! Was there ever such ingratitude? I, who left my own home to live with them, without even waiting to be asked, to give them the benefit of my experience, to take upon myself the entire control of their domestic affairs--nay, even to carry my maternal affection so far as not to allow either of them to interfere in anything whatever!

FANNY (_aside_). Poor dear mamma! she doesn't see that's the very reason why everything went wrong.

MRS. P. But I'll forget them, I'll renounce them, I'll cast them off, I'll abandon them to their unhappy fate; and when you're comfortably married, dear, I'll come and live with _you_ (_throwing her arms round FANNY, who tries to speak_). No thanks, I see you are literally bursting with gratitude; but I am rewarded already! I feel it here--here! (_striking her breast, then flings her arms round FANNY again, and hurries out at R. H._).

FANNY. Mercy on us! here's a pretty piece of business! Live with me when I am married! Poor Augustus! he little suspects what a rod there is in pickle for him! It's all Jeremiah's fault, and it's poor little I who am punished.

DOCTOR (_without_). In the parlor, is she? Very well!

FANNY. Surely that's dear Doctor Prettywell's voice!

_Enter DOCTOR at C._

DOCTOR. Ah! my dear young friend, delighted to see you!

FANNY. Not more than I am to see you, doctor!

DOCTOR. But let me look at you. How we're grown! I declare we're quite a young woman!

FANNY. Yes, doctor.

DOCTOR. And a very pretty one, too!

FANNY. Yes, doctor.

DOCTOR (_looking intently at FANNY_). She's the very image of her mother as she _was_ thirty years ago; the same soft blue eyes, before she took to spectacles, the same fairy form, before it filled out, the same alabaster brow, before the wrinkles set in!

FANNY (_aside_). How earnestly he looks at me! I hope I hain't fascinated _him_ as well as Sir Marmaduke! (_Suddenly._) Goodness me! what if _he_ should be the "youthful doctor" mamma was speaking about? (_DOCTOR looks at her again and gives a loud sigh._) What a sigh! It must be he. He may still have some lingering affection for her; the flame may not be _quite_ burnt out; there may be a tiny spark left which a little gentle _blowing_ may rekindle into a blaze. It isn't very likely; still, I may as well try what a little "blowing" may do.

DOCTOR. Well, now that your education is completed, and you've come home brimful of accomplishments, of course you'll go into society, and, like other young ladies, pick up a husband?

FANNY (_with affected indifference_). A husband? Not I, indeed! I've never even thought of such a thing! (_Aside._) I had no idea I could fib so well! (_Aloud._) No, doctor! I've too much regard for my own tranquillity, my own peace of mind!

DOCTOR. Hoity-toity! Who's been putting such nonsense into your head?

FANNY. Why, you yourself never ventured on matrimony!

DOCTOR. No! because I--I-- Heigh-ho! (_giving a loud sigh_).

FANNY (_aside, and smiling_). The "tiny spark" is gradually getting into a blaze! I did quite right in trying the effect of a little "_blowing!_" (_Aloud._) Besides, I have come to the conclusion, from considerable personal experience, that the male sex in general--I mean, taken in a _lump_--is no better than it should be.

DOCTOR (_laughing_). Indeed!

FANNY. I'm sorry to say they're a false, fickle, perfidious _lot!_ They gain a poor confiding woman's heart only to trifle with it and trample on it! Poor dear mamma! I am no longer surprised at your little fits of temper--at your discontent with everything and everybody--now that I know the sad circumstances which blighted your youth and cast a gloom over your after-life! (_with affected pathos_).

DOCTOR (_aside_). What do I hear? (_Aloud, and anxiously._) Has your mother, then, revealed?

FANNY. No; but she might just as well, because I was sure to find it out.

DOCTOR. Find out _what?_

FANNY. A lot of things! Ah, doctor! if you had only heard her sigh as I have!

DOCTOR. Sigh?

FANNY. Yes; but that's not all. Poor mamma! You'd hardly believe the number of pearly drops I've seen fall from her poor eyes into her teacup.

DOCTOR. Pearly drops?

FANNY. But _that's_ not all! (_In a very mysterious manner._) I once heard her, when she little thought I was listening, say, in faltering accents, "Ah! if he had really loved me, would he not have declared his passion when I became a widow?"

DOCTOR. Did she? (_Aside._) She loves me still! Dear Cleopatra!

FANNY. Who can she mean? I should so like to know. Perhaps, doctor, you'll help me to find out; but here she comes (_looking towards C. DOCTOR gives a violent start_). Why, what's the matter?

DOCTOR. Nothing; only a sort of a kind of a--of a--I scarcely know whether I am standing on my head or my heels!

FANNY. On your head, of course!

DOCTOR. I thought so.

MRS. P. (_heard without_). Joseph! Joseph!

DOCTOR (_aside_). I can't meet her yet. The agitation--the trepidation--the perturbation--the--

FANNY. Perhaps you'd better retire, doctor, (_aside_) or else he'll be flopping down on his knees to mamma before I've prepared her for the shock!

_Enter MRS. PELICAN at R. H., followed by JOSEPH._

MRS. P. Joseph, inform your master that I shall dine in my own apartment.

[_JOSEPH bows and goes out R. H. DOCTOR meets MRS. PELICAN as she comes down--looks tenderly at her--clasps his hands, and gives a deep sigh; then hurries up--stops again at C.--turns--gives her another tender look--another deep sigh, and hurries out at C._

MRS. P. (_watching DOCTOR in astonishment_). Why, what's the matter with the man?

FANNY (_aside_). It's _your_ turn now, mamma! You wanted to get a husband for _me;_ so as one good turn deserves another, I'll see if I can't find one for _you!_

MRS. P. (_aside_). I must find out who this "girlish fancy" of hers is. (_Aloud._) Come here, Fanny. Of course _your_ happiness is all I desire!

FANNY. And it's all _I_ desire too, mamma!

MRS. P. Then have confidence in your mother--your _only_ mother! Tell me the name of the young man who has won your affections.

FANNY. You asked me if I had any one in my eye, and I said I _had,_ but I didn't tell you he was a _young_ man. The fact is, mamma, I've been so often told that I am so giddy, so thoughtless, so flighty, that I selected some one of _maturer_ years; he would give me the benefit of his experience--his advice--his--his--

MRS. P. Maturer years?

FANNY. Yes! Besides, he has known me so long!--ever since I was a tiny little mite. He used to dandle me on his knee, and buy me dolls and toys and sweeties and hardbake and elecampane, and all that sort of thing!

MRS. P. (_aside_). Known her for years! (_Suddenly._) Mercy on us! can she be alluding to "Vicessimus?"

FANNY. But, ma dear, that which attracted more than all was the respectful, I may say the _affectionate,_ terms in which he always speaks of _you._

MRS. P. Does he? (_Aside._) Poor fluttering heart, be still! Dear Vicessimus! He hain't, then, quite forgot his Cleopatra! (_Aloud._) But is DOCTOR PRETTYWELL--for it surely must be _he_ to whom your remarks apply--

FANNY. Yes, mamma.

MRS. P. (_aside_). I thought so. (_Aloud._) Is he aware of your somewhat foolish partiality?

FANNY. I think so. He'll tell you why! Whenever he used to call, and we happened to be sitting side by side--I mean you and I, mamma--I noticed that he always kept his eye fixed on us, and it always made me blush so.

MRS. P. (_aside_). Poor simple child. She flatters herself that it was on _her_ that Vicessimus's enamoured glances were riveted.

FANNY. And don't you recollect the last time he took us to the theatre, how attentive, how polite he was to you?

MRS. P. Yes. I remember he brought me three oranges and an ounce of acidulated drops into our box.

FANNY. And if you only had heard him just now, when I told him how shamefully you had been treated here! "What!" he exclaimed, turning quite red in the face and tearing his hair out in handfuls. "What! Dare to offer such an affront to so good, so amiable, so excellent a woman--a woman born to command, born to be beloved!"

MRS. P. Did he?

_Enter JOSEPH at R. H._

JOSEPH. Please, ma'am--and wishes to know if you are disengaged?

MRS. P. I'll come to him. (_Exit JOSEPH R. H._) How shall I meet him? how conceal my feelings? Once more, poor little fluttering heart, be still! (_Aside, and looking at FANNY_). Poor Fanny! I shall be sorry to cut her out; but constancy like Vicessimus's deserves, and shall have, its reward!

[_Exit at R. H._

FANNY. There! I flatter myself I've managed that rather cleverly. I've given tranquillity to Jeremiah, happiness to Georgina; I've got mamma a husband, and-- But stop a bit! who's to get one for _me?_ Oh dear, dear! I haven't half done yet!

_Enter MRS. MAJOR very hurriedly at C._

MRS. MAJOR. Oh! what shall I do? what shall I do?

FANNY. Georgina dear, what's the matter?

MRS. MAJOR. Oh, Fanny, such an event! I quite forgot to tell you that a person--I can't call him a gentleman--has been following me about everywhere in the most persevering, the most audacious manner, for the last month!

FANNY. What a contrast to Augustus!

MRS. MAJOR. And at last he has actually had the effrontery to write to me. A groom called just now with a letter, and was in the act of giving it to Mary, with strict injunctions to deliver it to me, and to me only, when my husband suddenly appeared and snatched the letter out of his hand.

FANNY (_aside_). Something more for me to do! I shall never get my work done here!

MRS. MAJOR. He must have read the letter by this time! Oh, what, what will he think of me? But here he comes! and what a dreadful temper he looks in!

_Enter MAJOR hurriedly at C., looking very wild and agitated, a letter in his hand; comes forward._

MAJOR (_folding his arms and assuming a tragic attitude_). So, madam; I repeat "So, madam!" You may tremble at the sight of your hitherto too confiding but now indignant husband!

MRS. MAJOR. But, Jeremiah dear--

MAJOR. Don't "Jeremiah dear" me! Are you aware, unhappy woman, that I might give you in charge to the police? No, I don't mean that--that I might insist on a separation? or call your ignoble accomplice out and shoot him?--which I _would_ do, if I were sure he wouldn't shoot _me!_ But no! I prefer to expose, to unmask you!

_Enter MRS. PELICAN hastily at C., followed by DOCTOR_.

MRS. P. What is all this disturbance about? What has happened?

MAJOR. You've arrived just in time! I only wish the entire universe were assembled in this breakfast-room to hear me!

MRS. MAJOR (_shrugging her shoulders_). Pshaw! they could only laugh at your absurd suspicions!

MAJOR. Suspicions? Come, I like that, when I have the proofs--you hear, madam, the proofs of your misconduct!--this letter, madam! this letter! (_producing letter and flourishing it_).

MRS. P. A letter!

MAJOR. Yes! listen, and shudder! (_taking letter out of envelope, which he lets fall on stage, then reading in an impressive tone_). "Star of my life, idol of my heart!" That's pretty well to begin with! (_Reading again._) "Ever since the God of Love first presented you to my enraptured orbs!" (_Aside._) What does the fellow mean by "orbs?" (_Reading again._) "I have loved you"--point of admiration; here it is, there's no mistake about the point of admiration! (_showing letter to MRS. P. and DOCTOR_). But that's not all! (_Reads again._) "In order to bask in your divine presence, I am prepared to sweep every obstacle from my path." There's a sanguinary ruffian! Of course _I_'m one of the obstacles to be swept away!

MRS. P. And how is the letter signed?

MAJOR. There _is_ no signature!

FANNY (_aside_). That's fortunate! (_picking up the envelope unseen and putting it in her pocket_).

MAJOR (_to MRS. MAJOR_). Now, madam, what have you to say?

MRS. MAJOR. Simply this, that I am more than ever indignant at your preposterous and odious suspicions.

FANNY (_suddenly confronting MAJOR_). So am I! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Jeremiah! and so ought you, mamma, and so ought everybody! And what's more, I'm determined that poor, dear, innocent Georgina shall be no longer unjustly accused!

MRS. P. } } What's that? MAJOR. }

FANNY. I dare say I shall be scolded, but I'm used to that; in fact, I rather like it; and after all it was sure to be found out sooner or later; in a word--that letter--

MRS. P. Well?

FANNY. Was intended for _me!_

MRS. MAJOR (_aside to her_). Fanny!

FANNY (_aside to her_). Hush! I'm engaged in a little business of _my own_ now!

MRS. P. For you?

FANNY. Yes! although I particularly told him not to write to me.

MRS. P. Told him? Told _who?_

FANNY. Augustus!

MRS. P. Who's Augustus?

FANNY. _My_ Augustus, of course!

MRS. MAJOR. I can confirm Fanny's words, having been in possession of the whole particulars for the last hour.

MAJOR. Have you? Then, perhaps, you can furnish us with Augustus's other name--_if_ he's got one (_satirically_).

MRS. MAJOR. Certainly--Noodle.

FANNY (_very quickly_). No--Boodle!

DOCTOR. Augustus Boodle? Let me see! of course! I first met him at Cheltenham!

FANNY. So did I.

DOCTOR. He was only a lad then, and was going into the army--to distinguish himself, as he said.

FANNY. I can't say whether he did distinguish _himself,_ but I know that he very soon distinguished _me!_

DOCTOR. The Boodles of Gloucestershire. There's not a more respected family in the county! Come, my dear Mrs. Pelican, if you'll take my advice, you'll not hesitate in accepting Augustus Noodle--I mean Boodle--as a son-in-law!

MRS. P. Well, I'll think the matter over, and then, perhaps, I may say yes.

FANNY (_coaxingly_). Suppose you say yes first, mamma, and think the matter over afterwards?

MRS. P. (_ironically_). But, Fanny, what about a certain party of "_maturer years,_" on whose _experience_ you proposed to rely?

FANNY. Let me ask you, mamma, would it have been dutiful in a daughter to deprive her mother of the object of her early affection?

MAJOR. What's that? "Early affection!"--"object!"

MRS. P. Yes; there stands the object (_pointing to DOCTOR_). In a word, I have been induced to accept the hand of Doctor Prettywell, from his many amiable qualities and (_aside to DOCTOR_) his _constancy._ Here, Vicessimus (_holding her hand out to him_).

DOCTOR. Thanks, Cleopatra (_taking her hand and kissing it_).

MAJOR (_very timidly to MRS. MAJOR_). Georgina, can you forgive your Jeremiah? I don't know how I may _look,_ but you've no idea how _small_ I feel.

MRS. MAJOR. This once I do! but remember, this once _only._ There (_giving her hand to MAJOR_).

MAJOR. Then, in spite of all petty domestic discords, everybody is happy at last.

FANNY. Which only proves the truth of the old adage, that "After a storm comes a calm."

THE CURTAIN FALLS.

EXPRESS!

_A Railway Romance, in One Compartment._

(_Adapted from the French._)

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.

A LADY.

A GENTLEMAN.

A RAILWAY GUARD.

[The action is supposed to take place in a first-class railway-carriage, travelling on a certain line between a certain place and another certain place.]

SCENE.--_A plain interior, supposed to represent a compartment in a first-class railway-carriage; door in flat at C.--the entrance--four easy-chairs placed two and two opposite the others, representing the seats--on the second chair at L. H. an open newspaper._

_The actor playing the part of the gentleman enters at door C. in light overcoat, with travelling-bag, hat-box, and railway-rug over his arm; he places the bag, hat-box, and rug on first chair, L. H., and advances, cap in hand, and, after sundry bows, proceeds to explain the scene to the audience._ Ladies and gentlemen: The little piece we are about to present to you is supposed to take place in a first-class compartment of a railway-carriage, travelling express from--from--Plymouth to London; shall we say Plymouth to London?--very well--Plymouth to London. You will also be good enough to see in the humble individual who is now addressing you, a deputy-assistant-deputy-inspector of Government prisons, returning from an official visit to that well-known and, judging from the constant stream of applications for admission, highly popular convict establishment at--at--Dartmouth; shall we say Dartmouth?--be it so, we'll say Dartmouth! Our first idea, in order to impart a greater reality to the situation, was to place before you a regular train with locomotive, etc., etc., all complete, and for this purpose we applied to a certain railway company for the loan of one; but the secretary, in reply, said that the only materials he could offer us were cattle-trucks and coal-wagons, all the passenger rolling-stock being in requisition, owing to the unusual number they had smashed up during the year. He certainly offered us the use of an engine, but at the same time candidly gave us to understand that it was a little bit rusty, and wouldn't stand the slightest pressure; he further added that if the knob of the steam-whistle _should_ happen to knock out the front teeth of any of the audience, we were not to blame _him_ if we had a few compensation actions to sustain!--and so on! Altogether the alternative was so dismal that we decided on sacrificing a flaming line in our play-bill about "flashing express," "real steam," "genuine foot-warmers," which we had composed for the occasion, and to fall back upon the best scene that our stage-carpenter and property-man could prepare for us.

We must, therefore, ask you to bring your imaginations to our aid, and to fancy you see in that door and in these four easy-chairs the interior of a first-class compartment of a railway-carriage, and to imagine further that I have passed the night in one of them, and am at the present moment still enjoying a profound sleep.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, permit me to enter into my part, to seat myself in the snuggest corner I can find, and to resume my interrupted nap! (_makes a profound bow to audience, goes up stage, and seats himself on the first chair, L. H.; puts on his travelling-cap, wraps himself up in the railway-rug, after having placed on the second chair, L., his travelling-bag, a railway guide, and a paper-knife; he then yawns once or twice, then falls asleep, and after a time snores gently. Loud noise of train arriving, with steam-engine, railway-bell, and whistle, as the train is supposed to arrive and gradually to stop_).

GUARD (_heard without_). Reading! Change here for Guildford, Dorking, Reigate, Redhill!

VOICE (_without_). Guard, how long do we stop here?

GUARD (_without_). Ten minutes, sir! (_Cries of "Reading; change here," etc., etc., etc., repeated, and gradually diminishing, accompanied by noise of slamming doors, etc._)

GENTLEMAN (_starting from his sleep_). What's that? Who speaks of stopping? I wonder what the time is? (_Looks at watch._) Seven o'clock? (_Opens door and looks out._) Broad daylight, I declare (_closing door again_); then I must have slept the best part of the night! I don't even remember my travelling companion getting out; he seems to have forgotten his newspaper (_taking up paper from chair_). Not a very talkative fellow; in fact, he never opened his mouth, except to put something into it--principally Abernethys and peppermint-drops. By Jove, his _Daily News_ is full of crumbs and caraways now!--a regular pantry!

GUARD (_again heard without_). Reading! Ten minutes to stop!

GENTLEMAN. Ten minutes to stop? Then I may as well get out and stretch my legs a bit (_rises, puts railway-rug, guide, and travelling-bag on his seat, and goes to door C.; then calls_). Guard, whereabouts is the refreshment-bar?

GUARD (_without_). This way, sir (_GENTLEMAN goes out at door C. towards R. H.--short pause_).

_The LADY looks in at C. and stops; then enters with two small parcels and a bonnet-box._