Part 6
JESSIE. Oh, aunty (_running to her_), and you, sir (_to JOGTROT_), protect me from the violence of my cousin! Because Mr. Chirper sent me a nosegay, he has snatched it from me and torn it to pieces!
JOGTROT (_advancing to JACK_). Young man, I am amazed--
JACK. Go to the devil! (_furiously; JOGTROT beats a retreat_).
MRS. T. (_sorrowfully_). Oh, Jack, Jack!
JACK. Harkee, aunt, it strikes me I've been made to play rather a ridiculous part here. First, it's all Dicky, then it's all _me!_ Now, it's all Dicky again! One would almost think I had been used merely as a bait to catch a bigger fish!
MRS. T. (_reproachfully_). Oh, nephew, nephew!
JOGTROT (_advancing_). If you allude to Mr. Chirper, sir--
JACK. Damn Mr. Chirper!
[_Hurries up, giving nosegay a violent kick, and exit L. H., slamming door violently after him._
MRS. T. What a dreadful scene.
JESSIE (_half crying_). I'll never marry him!--never! never! never! (_picking up the flowers_).
MRS. T. Reflect, Jessie, reflect!
JESSIE. I _have_ reflected (_trying to restrain her tears_). Mr. Chirper may be a trifle _slow_--and too fond of milk--but he wouldn't be always chucking young women under the chin--and fisti--fisti--cutting--I mean _cuffing!_
JOGTROT. Then I may at once convey the joyful tidings to the thrice-happy Chirper.
JESSIE. (_harshly_). Yes! yes! the sooner the better.
[_JOGTROT hurries out at C._
MRS. T. Oh, my darling! I fear you have been too rash--too impetuous.
JESSIE. No! I--I--(_suddenly throwing herself sobbing violently into MRS. TARLETAN'S arms_).
BLUNT (_heard without_). All right, captain!
_Enter BLUNT at L. H., carrying a portmanteau._
MRS. T. (_to BLUNT_). Where are you taking that luggage?
BLUNT. To the nearest hotel hereabouts, ma'am. Master's off directly, and I'm going with him!
MRS. T. Oh, then you bear him no malice?
BLUNT. Malice--me! What for, ma'am?
MRS. T. Pshaw!--in a word, I know what has lately taken place between you.
JESSIE. Yes! the fisti--fisti--you know (_with a lame imitation of sparring_).
MRS. T. (_with intention_). And we also know the _cause!_
BLUNT. Do you? and do you think I'd leave the captain just because of a little--little bit of a--kicking?
MRS. T. What? Then it wasn't about--her?
BLUNT (_surprised_). Her?
JESSIE. Yes. M--Martha!
BLUNT. What! me and master fall out about a petticoat? Ha! ha! Not we! I suppose I had offended him somehow or other, and he got into one of his "little pets," and--struck me--_not_ with his hand, ma'am. It nearly broke my heart. He saw it, and, like a true gentleman as he is, he asks me, with almost tears in his eyes, to give him a good hiding, and we sets at it at once then and there; and that's all about it, ma'am.
MRS. T. (_suddenly_). Take that luggage away. Not a word. Remember, I am commanding officer here! (_BLUNT makes a salute_). In the mean time I'll see your master.
JESSIE. Yes, we'll see your master.
BLUNT. Do please, ladies; and if you'd only try just to cheer him up a bit.
JESSIE (_eagerly_). Is he unhappy, then?
BLUNT. All I know is, as he was ramming his things into his portmanteau with his fists--this sort of thing (_imitating_).--I saw a great big one hanging to the tip of his nose.
JESSIE. A great big what? Not a tear?
BLUNT. Yes, miss! he said it was a cold in his head, but I know better.
JACK (_heard from room L. H._). Blunt! Blunt!
BLUNT. Coming, sir! (_about to run to the door L. H._).
MRS. T. (_pointing to C._). That way, if you please. Remember, obedience is the first duty of a soldier.
[_BLUNT makes a salute, and exit at C. with portmanteau._
JESSIE. Oh, aunty! only fancy poor Jack with a tear hanging to the tip of his great big nose--I mean, a great big tear! Why, _why_ did you let me tell my guardian that I'd never marry Jack? _Do_ run after him, and tell him I've changed my mind, and that I'll _never,_ never, never marry any one else. _Do_ make haste, aunty dear. _Do_ be a little bit impetuous like me (_during this she has urged MRS. TARLETAN towards C._).
MRS.T. (_laughing_). Spoiled child! spoiled child! (_kisses her, and hurries out at C._).
_Enter JACK at door L. H., dressed in tweed travelling suit, an overcoat over his arm, and a small bag in his hand._
JACK (_stops on seeing JESSIE_). A thousand pardons, Jes--I mean Miss Manvers. I expected to find my aunt.
JESSIE (_archly_). And you are disappointed at finding only _me?_
JACK (_aside_). What unseemly levity! (_Aloud._) I cannot leave her roof without wishing her good-by.
JESSIE. Of course not--but you're not going? (_smiling_).
JACK (_assuming a very dignified manner_). I beg your pardon, _miss!_
JESSIE (_imitating JACK_). I beg yours, _sir!_
JACK. What! remain here and see you married?
JESSIE. Of course; how _can_ I get married unless you _do_ remain?
JACK (_indignantly_). You don't expect me to give Dicky away, I hope?
JESSIE. No; but I certainly _do_ expect you will give yourself away! and to me who love you, oh, so dearly!
JACK (_throwing away his coat, etc., and clasping JESSIE in his arms_). Jessie darling! But what--what does it all mean?
JESSIE (_very rapidly_). That I know _why_ you got fisti--fisti--you know--with your servant; that it wasn't about Martha at all; that all my guardian said about you was a great big story!
JACK. Oh! oh! So old Jogtrot has been poking his ugly nose into my affairs again, has he? (_Savagely._) I'll wring it off!
JESSIE (_holding up her finger_). Now listen to me, Cousin Jack; if you cannot and do not control that dreadfully peppery temper of yours--
JACK (_very quickly_). But I _will!_ I swear it by--by this (_taking small hand-bell off table_). Now, Jessie, if ever you see me getting the least little bit frantic, you've only to--
JESSIE. I understand (_taking bell and ringing it_).
JACK. That's it!
JESSIE (_looking towards C._). Here comes my guardian; now do as I tell you. Go over there (_pointing; JACK moves a few paces from her_); farther than that! Now cross your arms (_JACK obeys_); look sulky!
JACK. This sort of thing? (_putting on a sulky look_).
JESSIE. Worse than that (_JACK puts on a hideous grimace_). That's better! Now turn your back to me (_JACK obeys; JESSIE also turns her back on JACK_).
JACK (_looking round_). Isn't there time just for one kiss?
JESSIE. No--no.
JACK. Only a tiny one!
JESSIE. Hush! (_they both hastily resume their positions back to back_).
_Enter JOGTROT at C._
JOGTROT (_seeing them_). Dos-Ă -dos! The lady pouting--the gentleman frowning! Then the storm I contrived to raise is still at its height (_coming down and touching JACK on the shoulder; JACK turns to him with an intensely savage expression of face, making JOGTROT start back_).
JOGTROT (_in a soothing tone_). Cheer up, my gallant young friend; the sex, you know, is capricious--"sipping each flower, changing each hour." It is sad--very sad!
JACK (_sulkily_). For _me,_ not for _you,_ who have always opposed my marriage with my cousin.
JOGTROT. I? On the contrary, not ten minutes ago I asked her if she had any lingering affection for you, and her answer was--
JESSIE. That I would marry Mr. Chirper.
JOGTROT. There, there! you hear?
JESSIE. Yes, but (_imitating JOGTROT_), "the sex is so capricious," you know--"sipping each flower, changing each hour." So now, Guardy, I'll marry Jack, please (_bobbing a courtesy; then running to JACK, who takes her in his arms_).
JOGTROT (_shouting_). Stop! that's all wrong (_seeing MRS. TARLETAN and CHIRPER, who enter at C._). You're just in time, madam! There's a gigantic, a colossal mistake here!
MRS. T. (_smiling_). A mistake? Not at all!
JOGTROT. Not at all! Am I to understand, then, madam, that after the deplorable--scandalous scene of this morning--
MRS. T. Which has been fully explained, and will never be repeated!
JACK. Never! I've sworn it (_looking at JESSIE and pointing to the small bell on the table_). No more tempers, no more "little pets."
JOGTROT (_aside_). One more chance! (_Aloud._) All I desire is my ward's happiness! happiness!--poor girl! (_shrugging his shoulders and giving a deep sigh_).
JACK (_bristling up sharply._) What's that?
JOGTROT (_sneeringly_). I believe, sir, I have already expressed my opinion of military men--as _husbands!_
JACK (_threateningly_). Take my advice, sir, and leave military men alone, or else-- (_JESSIE takes small bell and rings it; JACK falls into chair laughing._)
JOGTROT. In a word--
MRS. T. Pardon me, doctor, you have said quite enough already!
JESSIE (_indignantly_) _More_ than enough, Doctor Jogtrot! (_advancing on JOGTROT, who retreats; she follows him up_). For the last ten minutes you've been insulting a better man than yourself, Doctor Jogtrot!--a _far_ better man, Doctor Jogtrot!
JACK (_aside_). Halloa! here's JESSIE getting into a pet! (_takes second small bell and rings it; JESSIE and JACK fall into chairs roaring with laughter and ringing their bells, JOGTROT staring at them in astonishment_).
CHIRPER (_to JOGTROT, in a sympathizing tone_). My dear respected friend--
JOGTROT (_turning fiercely on CHIRPER_). And you! standing there like a gaping idiot--ugh!
JACK. Oh, Dicky's all right! he's got his cow; hain't you, Dicky?
CHIRPER. _And_ the Philotechnic, where, by-the-bye, I am now due.
JOGTROT. So am I. Come along (_slams his hat on his head, puts his arm in CHIRPER'S, swings him round, and drags him out at C._).
JACK (_taking JESSIE'S hand_). Mine! mine at last!
JESSIE (_smiling_). But remember. Jack, no more irritability, no more tempers.
JACK. No! Here, here I vow, protest, and declare is the last of Pepperpot's little _Pets!_ (_kisses JESSIE'S hand as curtain falls_).
AFTER A STORM COMES A CALM.
_Comedietta, in One Act._
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
MAJOR PELICAN.
DR. VICESSIMUS PRETTYWELL.
JOSEPH (a servant).
MRS. PELICAN.
MRS. MAJOR PELICAN.
FANNY.
SCENE.--Major Pelican's Villa in St. John's Wood.
_A handsomely furnished apartment. Door at C., doors R. H. and L. H.; a window at back, at R. C._
JOSEPH (_discovered lounging in an easy-chair, his legs upon another, a newspaper open in his hand_). Now, then, for a quiet squint at the sporting intelligence. See if I can't pick out a likely one for the Great Cricklewood Handicap. (_Bell rings at L. H._) Of course! No indulging in literary pursuits in this house! That's the young missus's bell, and she can't bear being kept waiting. Well, I suppose it's only natural for young people to be impatient (_getting up and going towards L. H.; bell at R. H. is heard to ring_). Now the old lady's at it, and she's always in a hurry, she is! Well, I suppose old people can't afford to wait (_going towards door R. H.; bell at L. H. rings again, then the bell at R. H.; then both bells are rung violently; JOSEPH running backward and forward_).
_Enter MAJOR PELICAN at C._
MAJOR. Well, Joseph, don't you hear the bell?
JOSEPH. I hear two of them, sir.
MAJOR. Then why don't you go?
JOSEPH. I don't know which way to go, sir! I can't answer both bells at once, sir! (_here both bells are heard to ring again_).
_Enter DR. PRETTYWELL at C._
JOSEPH (_to MAJOR_). What am I to do, sir?
DOCTOR (_coming down_). Do what you are doing now!
JOSEPH. I ain't doing nothing, sir.
DOCTOR. Then keep on doing nothing. It's about the best thing you _can_ do.
JOSEPH. But I shall catch it from _both_ my missusses, sir!
DOCTOR. At first perhaps you _will;_ but when they find they've both fared alike, they'll each feel secretly flattered by the inattention you show to the other. Go to your work.
JOSEPH. Yes, sir.
[_Exit at C._
DOCTOR. Well, friend Jeremiah!
MAJOR. Well, friend Vicessimus!
DOCTOR. I seem to have dropped in at rather an unlucky moment; but frankly, if I were to wait till your domestic barometer pointed to "calm and settled" weather, I'm afraid my visits wouldn't be very frequent.
MAJOR. True, my dear doctor.
DOCTOR. I don't know how you manage it, but you generally contrive to have a thunder-storm, more or less violent, rumbling over this house of yours.
MAJOR. True again, and I'll tell you why. Because this "house of mine," as you call it, is constantly exposed to two discordant elements from opposite directions, but invariably coming into contact and exploding _here!_
DOCTOR. I don't exactly understand.
MAJOR. It's very simple. Living here with my mother and my wife, who _both_ claim to be "monarch of all they survey," I, the master of the house--
DOCTOR. Find yourself cutting rather a contemptible figure--eh?
MAJOR. Very much so. It would be easy enough to do as Georgina wishes, _or_ my mother, but to do as they _both_ wish is impossible, for the simple reason that no two women ever wish the same thing, _consequently,_ the result is anger on one side, sulky looks on the other; one invokes her title of "mother," the other her privileges of "wife;" consequently, between the two--
DOCTOR. You come in for more kicks than half-pence?
MAJOR. Considerably more! In fact, _all_ kicks.
DOCTOR. And yet I don't know a more charming, amiable person than your excellent mother. I've known and admired her for more than thirty years; in fact, had it depended on me, I might very possibly have been your father.
MAJOR. Thank you. But I'm very well satisfied as I am; besides, the thing couldn't be done now.
DOCTOR. Not conveniently! However, she preferred marrying the "author of your being," so there was an end of my romance! But to return to these unfortunate domestic quarrels; from what I know of your mother, I am convinced the fault lies with your wife.
MAJOR. And from what I know of my wife, I'm certain it lies with my mother.
DOCTOR. Then, my good friend, why not at once put an end to these personal and conjugal troubles of yours?
MAJOR. How?
DOCTOR. Simply thus. Appoint one of the two contending parties--no matter which--to the sole control of your domestic affairs; support her authority through thick and thin, give her credit for always being right, even when she's wrong, and the thing's done!
MAJOR. A very good plan, I dare say, but, unluckily, it's impracticable.
DOCTOR. Why?
MAJOR. Because it would require a considerable amount of _pluck_ to carry it out, and I hain't got an atom.
DOCTOR. Nonsense! You've only to show a proper spirit.
MAJOR. How can I do that when I hain't any spirit _at all?_
DOCTOR. Pshaw! Recollect, Nero was a perfect lamb at starting, and yet he fiddled when Rome was burning.
MAJOR. But I'm not a Nero! Besides, I hain't got a fiddle, and I couldn't fiddle if I had.
MRS. P. } (_from rooms R. and L.--together_). Joseph! MRS. MAJOR. } Joseph!
DOCTOR. Here they both come! Do as I tell you, pluck up a proper spirit; in the mean time I'll beat a retreat (_runs out at C._).
MAJOR (_shouting after him_). Coward! to leave me alone to the mercy of two exasperated females!
_Enter MRS. PELICAN hurriedly at R. H._
MRS. P. This is perfectly intolerable!
MRS. MAJOR. It's absolutely unbearable! (_entering hurriedly at L. H._).
MRS. P. To take no notice of my bell!
MRS. MAJOR. What's the use of my ringing?
MRS. P. Oh! here you are, son Jeremiah.
MAJOR. Yes, my dear mother; (_aside_) and I devoutly wish I was anywhere else!
MRS. P. (_turning him round towards her_). I appeal to you to see that my authority in this house is respected!
MAJOR (_with pretended surprise_). What! Has any one dared--
MRS. MAJOR (_turning him towards her_). I presume you won't allow _me_ to be treated with inattention?
MAJOR. (_with pretended surprise again_). What! Has any one presumed--
MRS. P. (_aside to him_). But what's the matter with your wife? She seems out of temper!
MAJOR. Yes! because Joseph didn't attend to her summons at once. When _you_ require him, he knows better than to do _that!_
MRS. MAJOR (_aside to him_). Your mother appears annoyed at something or other?
MAJOR. No wonder! Joseph didn't answer her bell. He knows better than keep _you_ waiting. (_Aside._) What a humbug I am!
MRS. P. By-the-bye, Jeremiah, I have ordered dinner an hour later to-day.
MRS. MAJOR. Indeed? and for what reason, pray?
MRS. P. Because it suits me.
MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear Georgina, if it suits her--
MRS. MAJOR. But it doesn't suit _me._ I expect Mr. Simcox, the jeweller, early this evening, and cannot dine later than five.
MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear mother, if she expects Mr. Simcox--
MRS. P. It's too late now, the dinner will be served at six o'clock.
MRS. MAJOR. I won't give way! It will be on the table at five.
MRS. P. Six.
MRS. MAJOR. Five.
MAJOR (_aside_). There they are again! hard at it! hammer and tongs!
_Enter JOSEPH, running, at C._
JOSEPH. Please, ma'am, please, sir, here's Miss Fanny just driven up in a cab from the station!
MRS. P. Fanny!
MAJOR. What can have brought her back?
FANNY (_heard speaking off at C._). Gently, my good man, with that box! My best hat's in it! such a beauty too! (_runs in at C.; she is in a light summer travelling costume_). Here I am! How astonished you all look! Ha! ha! ha! (_Running to MRS. MAJOR P._) Dear Georgina! so glad to see you once again (_kissing her--Nodding to MAJOR_). How do, brother Jeremiah? and you, dear mamma? (_about to kiss MRS. PELICAN_).
MRS. P. (_stiffly_). I was not aware, miss, that it was usual for a well-educated young lady to address her sister-in-law before her mother!
FANNY. Did I? So sorry, dear mamma. I really didn't see you at first.
MAJOR (_aside_). I'm sure she's big enough!
FANNY (_holding up her face to MRS. P._). Well, mamma, won't you kiss me? (_Slyly._) You know you're punishing yourself as well as me.
MRS. P. Who can resist the dear child? (_kissing FANNY_). But we thought your visit to your Cheltenham friends was intended to last another week?
FANNY. So it was, but they were obliged to return to town, so they brought me with them, put my luggage into a cab at the station, me on the top--I mean my luggage on the top--and here I am!
_Enter JOSEPH at L. H._
JOSEPH. Luncheon is on the table, sir.
MRS. P. Very well, Joseph. (_Aside to MAJOR._) Don't forget what I said about the dinner.
MAJOR (_aside to her_). All right; six o'clock, sharp!
MRS. MAJOR (_aside to MAJOR_). Remember what I decided about the dinner-hour!
MAJOR (_aside to her_). All right; five o'clock, sharp! (_Aside._) Between the two the chances are I sha'n't get any dinner at all!
[_Exeunt MRS. PELICAN and MAJOR at R. H._
FANNY. I'm so glad we're alone at last, Georgina; we can have a nice long chat together all alone; and I've such a lot to tell you!
MRS. MAJOR. Well, I'm all attention! But first, how did you enjoy your trip to Cheltenham?
FANNY. Not much. I found it rather slow. Nothing but a collection of bilious-looking fogies being wheeled about in Bath-chairs. But never mind that; I've something else to talk about!
MRS. MAJOR (_smiling_). Something very serious, no doubt.
FANNY. Awfully serious! Listen! At the very first ball I went to at the Assembly-rooms--
MRS. MAJOR. A very brilliant affair, of course!
FANNY. Really, Georgina, if you keep on interrupting me in this sort of way--
MRS. MAJOR. I beg your pardon! Well?
FANNY. Well, at my very first ball I danced with a gentleman once or twice--perhaps three or four times.
MRS. MAJOR. Young, of course (_smiling_).
FANNY. Rather!
MRS. MAJOR. Handsome?
FANNY (_very quickly_). Very! Well, judge of my surprise when, the very next morning, as I was sitting in the drawing-room, the door opened and the servant announced "Captain Boodle!"
MRS. MAJOR. The "young gentleman?" (_smiling_).
FANNY. Yes.
MRS. MAJOR. Perhaps you had given him your address?
FANNY (_indignantly_). Not I, indeed! He didn't ask for it, or perhaps I might! Well, the next morning he called again, and the following morning, and the morning after that--in short, every morning--and as I was always in the drawing-room, of course quite by accident--
MRS. MAJOR. You naturally became quite intimate--familiar and chatty.
FANNY. _He_ didn't. _I_ did all the _chatting_ part! Never did I see any one so timid, so bashful, as Boodle. When he _did_ try to say something, there he'd stand stammering and stuttering and blushing like a school-girl! But although his tongue didn't say much, his _eyes_ did!
MRS. MAJOR (_smiling_). And they said, "I love you?"
FANNY. Distinctly! Well, I thought to myself it's not a bit of use going on like this. It's quite evident the poor man worships the very ground I tread upon. So when he called next day, and I told him, in _tremulous accents,_ of course, that I was going away, the effect was magical. First he turned pale, then red, then blue; then he let his hat fall, then his umbrella, then himself--on both his knees, at both my feet, and there, I believe, he would have remained till further notice, if I hadn't said to him, "Augustus"--his name is Augustus--"I won't pretend to misunderstand you. You love me! I am yours!"
MRS. MAJOR. What! Such an act of thoughtlessness, of indiscretion, on your part!
FANNY. Perhaps it was, but I know this: it quite cured him of his timidity; for when he once _did_ begin, I never heard anybody's tongue rattle on at such a rate as his did--never!
MRS. MAJOR. And the result, I presume, was--
FANNY. That we both, then and there, exchanged vows of constancy and locks of hair! His is rather red, by-the-bye! But I see mamma coming!
MRS. MAJOR. Then I'll retire. Seeing us closeted together would only arouse her ridiculous jealousy.
FANNY. And I'll see if I can't find an opportunity to slip in a word about Augustus. In the mean time you'll keep my secret?
MRS. MAJOR. Religiously! for your sake (_going up_).
FANNY. And Boodle's.
MRS. MAJOR (_turning and smiling_). And Boodle's.
[_Exit at C._
_Enter MRS. PELICAN at R. H._
MRS. P. Oh, here you are, Fanny!
FANNY. Yes, mamma! and quite alone.
MRS. P. _Now!_ But you were not alone.
FANNY. No, dear Georgina was with me.
MRS. P. And "dear Georgina," no doubt, lost no opportunity of prejudicing you against your mother!
FANNY. Oh, mamma! (_reproachfully_).
MRS. P. But fortunately you will not long be exposed to her pernicious influence.
FANNY. Oh, mamma!
MRS. P. Bring a chair and sit down by me.
FANNY (_sitting down by MRS. PELICAN'S side--aside_). I wonder what's coming?
MRS. P. I have something serious to say to you, Fanny.
FANNY. So have I to you, mamma--_very_ serious!
MRS. P. Indeed! In the mean time, as I happen to be your mother, and you, consequently, happen to be my daughter, perhaps you'll allow me to begin _first?_
FANNY. Certainly.
MRS. P. Then listen. Although you are still very young--
FANNY. Nineteen next birthday, mamma.
MRS. P. Don't interrupt me! Although you are still young, I have been reflecting a good deal lately on that all-important subject, your future settlement in life!
FANNY (_quickly_). So have I, mamma! (_Aside._) I shall be able to get in a word presently about Augustus!
MRS. P. In other words, don't you consider it high time you thought of matrimony?
FANNY (_very quickly_). I _do,_ mamma! I'm always thinking of it!
MRS. P. But of course it isn't likely _you_ can have any one in your eye _yet!_
FANNY. I beg your pardon! I _have!_
MRS. P. (_severely_). What's that you say?
FANNY. That is--I mean--of course I hain't! (_Aside._) It won't do to say anything about Augustus yet; I must keep him dark!
MRS. P. Then you have no positive antipathy to the married state?
FANNY. I should think not, indeed! (_very quickly_).
MRS. P. (_severely_). My dear, I'm really surprised to hear a well-educated young lady express herself in such, I might almost say indelicate, terms. But to return; I need not say I would not encourage any candidate for your hand who was not deserving of you.
FANNY. Of course not, mamma! He _must_ be worthy of such a treasure!
MRS. P. Tolerably young, and not absolutely ill-looking!
FANNY (_eagerly_). Certainly not! (_Aside._) I call Augustus decidedly _good-_looking!