Part 5

MRS. T. A present for me, too! So you found time to think of me, dear boy?

JACK. Think of you! Do you remember this? (_taking small case from his breast-pocket and opening it_).

MRS. T. My photograph?

JACK. Which you gave me the night before I left England. You've never left me! You've shared all my hardships, all my dangers, all my triumphs! Didn't we enter Pekin together, sword in hand?

MRS. T. (_smiling_). _I_ enter Pekin!

JACK. Yes; rolled up in three of my flannel waistcoats to protect you.

JESSIE. Oh, Cousin Jack, I do so long to hear all your adventures.

JACK. Then you shall have them; not all at once; mustn't be greedy, little girl. Now for it. (_They seat themselves._) Ahem! (_in an impressive tone_). In order to make a first-rate brick--

MRS. T. _and_ JESSIE. A brick?

JACK. Don't interrupt me! I repeat, in order to make a first-rate brick they put it on the kiln and bake it. Well, in order to make a first-rate soldier they send him to India and bake _him_--that was my case.

MRS. T. Well, from India you went to the Crimea?

JACK. Yes; there I took to rum, diluted with snowballs and gunpowder.

JESSIE. Poor Cousin! how you must have suffered!

JACK. Tolerably; but we ate well--when we'd got anything to eat--and slept well when we hadn't to keep awake.

JESSIE. And you were never wounded?

JACK. Nothing to speak of. I got rather a warm one at the Alma, but luckily it was on the head.

JESSIE. Cousin Jack, I really feel quite proud of you! that I do.

JACK. Then allow me to thank you in the name of the British Army; allow the British Army to salute you! (_Kisses her. JESSIE joins MRS. TARLETAN, who has gone a few steps up the stage._)

JACK (_looking after JESSIE, and aside_). A remarkably nice little body. If ever I _should_ marry, I really--

JESSIE (_to MRS. TARLETAN, as they come forward_). No, indeed, aunt, there's no necessity for anything of the kind.

MRS. T. I beg your pardon, my dear. Jack is one of the family.

JACK. Of course I am! What's the matter?

MRS. T. Well, the fact is, we are not unlikely soon to find a husband for Jessie!

JACK. A husband! Who is he? what is he?

MRS. T. I only know that he is a _protégé_ of Doctor Jogtrot.

JACK. And who's Jogtrot?

MRS. T. Jessie's guardian; a retired physician--a very eminent man in the scientific world.

JACK. Oh! ah! (_Aside._) Confound Jogtrot!

_MARTHA appears at C., followed by DOCTOR JOGTROT._

MARTHA (_announcing_). Doctor Jogtrot. (_Disappears._)

_Enter DOCTOR JOGTROT at C.; black costume--white cravat, etc._

JOGTROT (_to MRS. TARLETAN_). Pardon me, madam, if I am late.

MRS. T. Don't apologize, doctor. (_Introducing._) My nephew, Captain Pepperpot--Doctor Jogtrot (_JOGTROT bows ceremoniously to JACK, who gives him a familiar nod in return_).

JOGTROT. I merely precede my esteemed young friend Mr. Chirper by a few minutes. Need I say I should not presume to present him as a competitor for the hand of this charming young lady (_bowing to JESSIE_), had I not discovered in his person qualities of the most solid description.

JACK. Solid--eh? I see! inclined to be stout--eh?

JOGTROT (_after a stare at JACK, and turning to MRS. T. again_). In fact, I am proud to say that Mr. Chirper is, in the strictest sense of the word, a serious young man!

JACK (_aside_). Wheugh! I sha'n't be able to stand much more of Jogtrot! I feel I sha'n't.

MRS. T. No doubt I shall grieve to part with Jessie; but as my nephew has left the army, I shall not be entirely alone.

JOGTROT (_to JACK_). You are a military man, sir?

JACK (_who has been showing a gradual irritation_). I _was_--till I left the army.

JOGTROT. Left the army? Allow me to congratulate you on your having done so, sir!

JACK (_trying to keep cool_). May I ask _why?_

JOGTROT (_in a supercilious tone_). Because, between ourselves, sir, I consider the military profession--

JACK (_bristling up_). Well, sir, what about the military profession? Anything to say _against_ the military profession? (_advancing on JOGTROT, who retreats_).

MRS. T. (_aside to JACK_). Don't be so pugnacious, Jack! Recollect, you're not at the siege of Sebastopol now!

JOGTROT (_overhearing them, eagerly_). The siege of Sebastopol?

MRS. T. Yes, doctor, my nephew was there during the whole campaign!

JOGTROT (_to JACK_). Now, sir, it may be in your power to furnish me with the most interesting statistical information. Can you form any tolerable accurate estimate of the number of projectiles of various kinds and dimensions discharged from the Russian batteries from the beginning of the siege to the end?

JACK. Frankly, my dear sir, I'm ashamed to say I never thought of counting them. (_Aside to MRS. TARLETAN._) I wish to speak with all possible respect of this retired chemist and druggist of yours, but he's simply an inflated idiot!

JOGTROT. But to return to Mr. Chirper.

JACK. Yes, give us a little more about Dicky!

JOGTROT (_astonished_). Dicky?

JACK. Yes, same thing! Chirpers are all Dickies--Dickies, Chirpers, don't you see? Go on!

_MARTHA, entering at L._

MARTHA. A gentleman, ma'am, sent in his card (_giving card to MRS. TARLETAN_).

MRS. T. (_reading_). "Mr. Christopher Chirper." Show the gentleman in. (_MARTHA goes to C., shows in CHIRPER, and then exits._)

_Enter CHIRPER, in a similar costume to JOGTROT._

JOGTROT (_meeting CHIRPER, and handing him forward and presenting him_). Allow me, Mrs. Tarletan--Mr. Christopher Chirper. Miss Jessie--Mr. Christopher Chirper. (_To JACK._) Sir, Mr. Christopher Chirper. (_CHIRPER bows very solemnly to each._)

JACK (_aside_). A cheerful-looking youth, very! one part waiter, three parts undertaker!

MRS. T. (_to CHIRPER_). The flattering terms in which Dr. Jogtrot has spoken of you more than suffice to insure you a hearty welcome!

CHIRP. (_bowing_). I trust, madam, I may merit the favorable opinion of my distinguished friend! Permit me to say, I am not one of those giddy, thoughtless butterflies who consume their mental and moral faculties in mundane futilities.

JACK (_after a long stare at CHIRPER--then aside_). He's not a man, he's a tract. (_Aside to JESSIE, as he goes towards table._) Lively boy, isn't he, Jessie? (_Sits and turns over leaves of an album._)

CHIRP. My mode of life is simplicity itself. I rise at seven--

JACK. Oh, confound it!--hang it!--dash it! (_turning over leaves rapidly_).

CHIRP. Breakfast at eight--a slice of bread, a cup of milk; that constitutes my heartiest meal. I then walk for an hour in the square; dine at six.

JACK (_who has come down again_). Another cup of milk? You ought to keep a cow, Chirper, in the square.

CHIRP. I then plunge into my favorite studies, till I retire to my pillow. Such is my life, madam.

JACK. And a very jolly one, too, I should say, Chirper.

CHIRP. Ladies, I must now request permission to retire. I am due at the Philotechnic Institution.

MRS. T. (_to CHIRPER_). You'll return to luncheon, I hope?

JACK. Of course he will. (_To CHIRPER._) Of course you will (_thrusting CHIRPER'S hat and umbrella into his hands_). I'll see there's an extra ha'porth of milk taken in for you (_putting CHIRPER'S hat on his head_).

[_CHIRPER and JOGTROT bow to JESSIE and exeunt at C., MRS. TARLETAN going up stage with them._

MRS. T. (_coming down_). A very, very agreeable young man indeed.

JESSIE (_satirically_). Yes; so remarkably sprightly.

JACK. With about as much humor in him as a damp umbrella.

MRS. T. (_a little nettled_). I repeat, Mr. Chirper is a very agreeable person. I would put it to anybody--to the very first comer.

JACK. Would you? That's a bargain (_seeing BLUNT, who appears at C._). There's my man, Stephen Blunt--he'll do; you said the first comer. Here, Blunt (_BLUNT advances_), tell me what's your opinion of the gentleman who has just gone?

BLUNT (_aside to JACK, knowingly_). All right, captain, I haven't forgot. (_Aloud._) Well, sir, I think he's charming, delightful, first-chop.

JACK (_quickly_). No, no! I mean the other--the young one.

BLUNT. Well, sir, I think he's first-chop, too.

JACK. Ugh! triple dolt, brute, idiot. (_BLUNT about to speak._) Silence! get out! Stop, come and dress me! Ugh! pudding-head (_shakes his fist at BLUNT and hurries out L. H., followed by BLUNT_).

MRS. T. Why, what's the matter with the boy? such a temper all of a sudden.

JESSIE (_pouting_). No wonder; he sees well enough that you're tired of me--that you want to get rid of me--that you--oh! oh! oh!

[_Runs out crying at R._

MRS. T. (_astonished_). There's some mystery here I must clear up. Jessie! Jessie!

[_Hastens out after JESSIE at R._

JACK (_without, at L. H., very loud and angrily_). Hold your tongue! don't answer me! don't be insolent!--there, there! (_Enters hurriedly from L. H._) Wheugh! I'm better now I've let off some of the steam! ha, ha! Poor old Blunt (_stopping suddenly_). Stop, there's nothing to laugh at. I know I was a little bit out of temper--whose fault but his if I was?--with his infernal "first-chop;" but I'd no business to strike the poor fellow, with my foot especially; I ought to be ashamed of myself. _Ought_ to be? I _am!_ Here he comes (_seeing BLUNT, who enters at L. H., looking pale and serious; after a little hesitation JACK walks up to him_). Stephen Blunt, I ask your pardon; there, that's settled; now shake hands (_holds out his hand; BLUNT looks away_). I'm sorry, Blunt, _very_ sorry; would you like to kick _me?_ or shall I kick myself? I'll try if you like!

BLUNT. I'd rather you had blown my brains out, captain. If any other man in the world had--had--you know what I mean--I'd have knocked him down.

JACK (_quietly_). Then knock _me_ down!

BLUNT. As you are _now,_ sir? no! but in a fair stand-up fight I would!--at least I'd try!

JACK (_with sudden excitement_). What's that? Stand-up fight? this sort of thing? (_sparring and hitting out_).

BLUNT (_with a broad grin_). That's it, sir! If you'd only just let me knock you about for a round or two, I should feel like a man again!

JACK (_aside_). I rather like this! I do, by Jove! There's some fun in having one's head punched by one's servant! (_Aloud._) All right, old boy! you shall have satisfaction after your own fashion! Look out for some nice quiet spot, and in ten minutes' time we'll have it out; in the mean time, mum, not a word.

[_BLUNT runs out at C., rubbing his hands in high glee._

JACK (_after a pause_). I'd better by half have stopped in China! I can't stop _here!_ I can't look quietly on--probably with my eye bunged up--and see the woman I love married to a Dicky! No, no; I'll pack up at once!

(_MRS. TARLETAN and JESSIE have entered R. H. during the above._)

MRS. T. (_overhearing_). Pack up?

JACK. Yes, aunt. I'm off--good-by!

MRS. T. Off? Where--where?

JACK. I don't know; somewhere or other--if not there, somewhere else. Good-by!

MRS. T. John Pepperpot, you are deceiving me! I want the truth! you hear, sir, the _truth!_

JACK. Do you? then you shall have it! I love Jessie--there! now you've got it!

JESSIE (_joyously_). You hear, aunty? He loves me; _me_ whom you are about to sacrifice--to immolate! (_in a tragic tone_).

JACK. On the altar of a Chirper! (_in a similar tone_).

JESSIE. It's cruel!

JACK. Barbarous!

JESSIE. Inhuman!

JACK. Savage!

MRS. T. (_who has been trying to speak_). Will you let me speak? (_To JACK._) You say you love Jessie?

JACK. Awfully!

MRS. T. Well--unless, indeed, Jessie objects--

JESSIE (_very quietly_). But I don't!

MRS. T. In that case, the sooner you get married the better!

JESSIE. Oh, you kindest, best of aunties! (_kissing her_).

MRS. T. Well, Jack, have _you_ nothing to say to me?

JACK. Only this: that you can't form the faintest idea what a trump you are!

MRS. T. (_suddenly_). But what about poor Mr. Chirper? He'll be here presently.

JACK. Of course, the sooner we put Dicky's pipe out the better.

MRS. T. I will speak to Dr. Jogtrot myself, and beg him to break the intelligence to his young friend.

JACK. Very well (_seeing BLUNT, who crosses at back_). Blunt, by Jove! (_Exchanges a sign with BLUNT, who disappears._) Excuse me for a few minutes--I'll be back directly (_hurries up towards C., running against JOGTROT, who enters_). Beg pardon. (_Aside to him._) My aunt's got a little bit of news for you that'll rather astonish your upper works.

[_Runs out at C._

MRS. T. You had better retire, Jessie. (_Aside to her._) Leave everything to me!

[_JESSIE exits at R. H._

JOGTROT. It seems, my dear lady, you have a communication to make to me?

MRS. T. I have; a very important one! I have just made a discovery which I confess has given me the greatest possible pleasure. In a word, my nephew loves Jessie, and Jessie loves my nephew!

JOGTROT (_very quietly_). In other words, Mr. Chirper is expected to resign his pretensions in your nephew's favor?

MRS. T. Exactly!

JOGTROT. My answer, madam, will be brief! I presented Mr. Chirper as a candidate for the hand of your niece, and, _my_ word, you received him graciously. I cannot, therefore, become an accomplice in your inconsistency, not to say _caprice!_

MRS. T. (_impatiently_). But don't I tell you the young people _love_ each other?

JOGTROT (_very quietly_). What of that?

MRS. T. (_indignantly_). What of that?

JOGTROT. I myself have loved, madam!

MRS. T. But perhaps the lady did not love you in return?

JOGTROT. She did, madam, intensely! and married her dancing-master!

MRS. T. (_in a compassionate tone_). Dear, dear! Of course you were inconsolable!

JOGTROT. No, madam, I went in for trigonometry, and that cured me! Why should your nephew not do the same?

MRS. T. Jack go in for trigonometry? ha! ha! Come, my dear doctor, you'll explain the state of affairs to Mr. Chirper, won't you? (_coaxingly_).

JOGTROT (_very stiffly_). Certainly not, madam!

MRS. T. (_angrily_). Then _I_ will--and in the mean time I beg to assure you that I consider you a very uncivil, unamiable, and intensely disagreeable person!

[_Exit at L. H._

JOGTROT. Umph! a decided check for Chirper--who, if he loses the young lady, will also lose the thousand pounds I owe him. But it isn't necessarily check_mate._ No, no! as the young lady's legal guardian I shall have something to say yet!

_Enter JACK hastily at C., putting on his coat._

JACK (_laughing as he enters_). Ha! ha! poor old Blunt! he soon had enough of it! (_Seeing DOCTOR._) Well, you've seen my aunt--eh? She rather astonished you, didn't she? But really, now (_taking JOGTROT'S arm familiarly_), you never thought your man had the ghost of a chance, did you?

JOGTROT. My man?

JACK. Yes, Dicky! here he is! (_going up to meet CHIRPER, who enters at C._). (_Aside to him._) Our intellectual friend has something to tell you! Be a man, Dicky (_slapping him on the back_). It's no use crying over spilt milk, my Trojan!

[_Exit at C., CHIRPER staring after him in astonishment._

JOGTROT (_aside_). There are circumstances under which a fib becomes a duty. (_Aloud, and grasping CHIRPER'S hand._) I congratulate you, she's yours! At least she will be!

CHIRPER (_very quietly_). Oh, joyful tidings.

JOGTROT. But it is possible you may have a rival.

CHIRPER (_very quietly again_). Oh, maddening thought!

JOGTROT. But follow my advice and you shall win her yet. Never leave her side! say all sorts of tender things to her. By-the-bye, have you brought her a bouquet? No! Then go and get one--the bigger the better. Go at once--recollect, the bigger the better (_hurrying CHIRPER up stage, who goes out at C., shouting after him_)--the bigger the better!

JOGTROT (_coming down--then suddenly_). By no means a bad idea of mine; at any rate, it's well worth the trial! Surely this fire-eating captain must have _some_ blemish--_some_ small vice or other, I don't care _how_ small. I'll undertake to stretch it as far as it will go! Here comes his servant; I may be able to squeeze something out of _him._

_Enter BLUNT at C., one of his cheeks very swollen._

JOGTROT (_beckoning BLUNT_). Here, my worthy creature! I wish to speak to you. (_BLUNT touches his cap and advances._) A swollen face, I see! Toothache?

BLUNT. No, sir. I'll tell you how it was. _I_ makes a feint with my left (_hitting out, JOGTROT skips back_), when slap comes a right-hander straight from the elbow (_hitting out again, JOGTROT skips back again_), and catches me bang on the--

JOGTROT. Yes; yes! exactly; but tell me, have you been long with your gallant master?

BLUNT. Better than ten years, sir!

JOGTROT. The more to your credit, my fine fellow! here's a sovereign (_gives money_).

BLUNT. Thankee, sir! (_Aside._) What's his little game, I wonder?

JOGTROT. I like the captain! I like him much! Rather a lively temper, perhaps; a little bit quarrelsome--eh? slightly pugnacious--umph!--and a sad fellow among the women, I'm afraid! Ha! ha! ha! (_poking BLUNT in the side_).

BLUNT. Who? Master? Not he! Only bring him face to face with a pretty wench, and see if he don't stand there a-stammering and blushing like any big lubberly school-boy.

JOGTROT (_aside_). The scoundrel _won't_ speak! (_Aloud._) I gave you a sovereign just now; oblige me by getting it changed for me.

BLUNT (_aside_). So, so. Wanted to pump me, did he? I'll bring him a pound's worth of coppers!

[_Goes up, meets JACK, who enters at C., stops and whispers JACK, pointing to JOGTROT, then exit at C._

JACK. So, so! my serious friend, you not only, as my aunt tells me, refuse to withdraw your man, but you've been pumping Blunt about me, have you? (_touching JOGTROT on the shoulder_). You can spare me time for half a dozen words? Thank you (_very quietly_). It seems you are not over and above anxious that I should marry my cousin? (_very quietly_).

JOGTROT. Frankly, I am _not!_

JACK (_still very quietly_). May I ask _why?_

JOGTROT (_aside_). He doesn't seem very explosive. I'll go it a bit! (_Aloud._) In the first place, from my limited acquaintance with military men, I confess--I--(_shrugging his shoulders_).

JACK (_still very quietly_). Well, sir?

JOGTROT (_aside_). He doesn't seem _at all_ explosive! I'll go it another _bit._ (_Aloud._) And although you have left the army, you can scarcely have failed to contract certain habits and pursuits, which, in my opinion, are more or less antagonistic to happiness in the married state!

JACK (_aside_). I'm getting the fidgets in my right leg! (_Aloud._) In short, you look upon me as a decidedly disreputable person? (_with difficulty restraining his passion_).

JOGTROT (_alarmed and very quickly_). I didn't say so! (_Aside._) I sha'n't go it any more bits. (_Aloud._) But _seriously!_ you don't, you _can't_ really believe you love your cousin? You've only just returned from China.

JACK. What of that, as long as I didn't leave my heart behind me?

JOGTROT. Still, this sudden, _very_ sudden, _remarkably_ sudden attachment, some people might be ill-natured enough to--to--to--

JACK (_with increasing impatience_). When you've quite done "to--to--toing," perhaps you'll get on.

JOGTROT. I repeat, some people might attribute to the lady's _fortune,_ rather than to the lady herself (_with intention_).

JACK. Fortune? What, Jessie? (_After a short pause._) Well, so much the better! Not that I was aware of it.

JOGTROT (_smiling significantly_). Oh, you were _not aware_ of it, eh?

JACK (_checking his anger_). I have said so once, sir!

JOGTROT (_smiling satirically_). Yes, you _said_ so, certainly!

JACK (_gulping down his anger, and very quietly_). Have you quite done? Then suppose we change the conversation! Now, if the thing were properly put to you, which do you think you would prefer?--having your nose pulled (_JOGTROT retreats_), a sound horse-whipping (_JOGTROT takes another jump backward_), or a good kicking (_swinging his right leg about; JOGTROT rushes out at C._).

JACK. Ha! ha! ha! (_Suddenly stopping._) Zounds! these infernal little pets of mine will be the ruin of me! Of course he'll tell aunt--she'll scold--Jessie'll blubber--so shall I--at least I'll try. Our marriage will be-- But he can't have left the house yet! I'll run after him! Memorandum for the future--when you feel a sudden impulse to strangle a man, _do_ it.

[_Runs out at C. after JOGTROT._

_Enter MRS. TARLETAN and JESSIE, followed by JOGTROT._

MRS. T. Surely, doctor, you must be mistaken? the thing is impossible!

JOGTROT. I grieve to say I have it from the best authority! an eye-witness. Half an hour ago, almost under this very roof, your nephew was engaged in a low, vulgar, disreputable, pugilistic encounter with his own servant!

MRS. T. A pugilistic encounter? But the reason?--the motive?

JOGTROT (_with malicious intention_). Is perhaps not very difficult to guess! Your waiting-woman, my informant, is a very comely young person; both master and man _may_ have noticed it too--young men _will_ be young men--a little _jealousy_ perhaps? (_MRS. TARLETAN hastily rings small bell which is on the table._)

_Enter MARTHA at R. H._

MRS. T. Come here, Martha! You have informed Doctor Jogtrot that you witnessed a scene recently, which I need not describe, between Captain Pepperpot and his servant. Is this true?

MARTHA. Yes, ma'am; they were hard at it, ma'am, behind the summer-house, ma'am, a fisticuffing one another (_imitating absurdly_).

MRS. T. Tell me, has this man--Blunt, I think, is his name--ever given you reason to think he--admires you?

MARTHA. Only so far as saying I was a niceish sort of girl! But lots have told me _that!_

JESSIE (_very eagerly_). And--his _master_--perhaps _he_ may have--

MARTHA. Well, miss, the captain has certainly chucked me under the chin once or twice, but lots have done _that!_

MRS. T. You can go, Martha!

[_Exit MARTHA at R. H._

JESSIE. Oh, auntie, this is dreadful! I never could have believed it of Jack! never! (_stops on a sign from MRS. TARLETAN, who sees JACK enter at L. H._).

JACK (_as he enters hurriedly_). Can't find him anywhere. (_Seeing JOGTROT._) So, so! he's stolen a march on me. (_Aside to MRS. TARLETAN._) Aunty, I suspect our serious friend here has been giving you _his_ version of a certain little trumpery affair that--that--

MRS. T. (_coldly_). He _has!_

JACK. Well, I confess I _was_ just a trifle hasty! One of my little pets, you know; but if you only knew the provocation--

MRS. T. (_satirically_). We _do_ know the provocation!

JESSIE (_imitating MRS. TARLETAN'S tone_). Yes, we _do_ know the provocation!

MRS. T. Come with me, doctor! We must have a little conversation--_serious_ conversation!

JOGTROT. At your service, my dear madam. (_Aside._) I wonder how our gallant friend feels _now!_

[_Exit at C. with MRS. TARLETAN, JACK staring after them bewildered._

JACK. Jessie!

JESSIE (_very dignified_). Sir!

JACK (_astonished_). "Sir!" What's the matter? You seem annoyed--vexed.

JESSIE. I am!

JACK. Will you tell me why?

JESSIE (_with comic severity_). Ask your conscience, young man!

_Enter MARTHA at C., carrying an enormous bouquet._

MARTHA. This beautiful nosegay, miss--just come--with Mr. Chirper's compliments.

[_Gives nosegay, and exit R. H._

JESSIE. What a lovely bouquet! How very polite of Mr. Chirper!

JACK (_sulkily_). There's plenty of it; looks more like a bunch of greens! Of course, Jessie, you won't accept it?

JESSIE (_coldly_). Why not? I'm fond of flowers!

JACK. Yes, but you're not fond of Dicky! Come, Jessie, you'll return that bunch of greens--I mean that nosegay--to Mr. Chirper, won't you?

JESSIE (_pretending to admire the flowers_). Certainly not!

JACK (_checking his rising anger_). Take care, Jessie! I ask you once again!

JESSIE. I shall keep it!

JACK (_tenderly_). Jessie!--cousin!

JESSIE. I repeat, I shall keep it!

JACK (_furious_). You shall _not!_ (_snatching bouquet from JESSIE and tearing it to pieces_). There, there, there! (_JESSIE screams_).

_Enter MRS. TARLETAN at C., followed by DOCTOR JOGTROT._