Part 2

COX. Well, wonders will never cease! Conscious of being eleven minutes and a half behind time, I was sneaking into the shop, in a state of considerable excitement, when my venerable employer, with a smile of extreme benevolence on his aged countenance, said to me, "Cox, I sha'n't want you to-day; you can have a holiday." Thoughts of "Gravesend and back--fare, One Shilling," instantly suggested themselves, intermingled with visions of "Greenwich for Fourpence!" Then came the Twopenny Omnibuses, and the Halfpenny boats--in short, I'm quite bewildered! However, I must have my breakfast first--that'll give me time to reflect. I've bought a mutton-chop, so I sha'n't want any dinner. (_Puts chop on table._) Good gracious! I've forgot the bread. Holloa! what's this? A roll, I declare! Come, that's lucky! Now, then, to light the fire. Holloa! (_seeing the lucifer-box on table_) who presumes to touch my box of lucifers? Why, it's empty! I left one in it--I'll take my oath I did. Heyday! Why, the fire _is_ lighted! Where's the gridiron? On the fire, I declare! And what's that on it? Bacon? Bacon it is! Well, now, 'pon my life, there's a quiet coolness about Mrs. Bouncer's proceedings that's almost amusing. She takes my last lucifer--my coals and my gridiron to cook her breakfast by! No, no--I can't stand this! Come out of that! (_Pokes fork into bacon, and puts it on a plate on the table; then places his chop on the gridiron, which he puts on the fire._) Now, then, for my breakfast-things. (_Taking key, hung up, L., opens door L. and goes out slamming the door after him with a loud noise._)

BOX (_suddenly showing his head from behind the curtains_). Come in! if it's you, Mrs. Bouncer--you needn't be afraid. I wonder how long I've been asleep? (_Suddenly recollecting._) Goodness gracious--my bacon! (_Leaps off bed and runs to the fireplace._) Holloa! what's this? A chop! Whose chop? Mrs. Bouncer's, I'll be bound. She thought to cook her breakfast while I was asleep--with my coals, too--and my gridiron! Ha, ha! But where's my bacon? (_Seeing it on table._) Here it is. Well, 'pon my life. Bouncer's going it! And shall I curb my indignation? shall I falter in my vengeance? No! (_Digs the fork into the chop, opens window, and throws chop out; shuts window again._) So much for Bouncer's breakfast; and now for my own! (_With the fork he puts the bacon on the gridiron again._) I may as well lay my breakfast-things. (_Goes to mantle-piece at R., takes key out of one of the ornaments, opens door at R. and exit, slamming door after him._)

COX (_putting his head in quickly at L._). Come in--come in! (_Opens door, L. C. Enters with a small tray, on which are tea-things, etc., which he places on drawers, L., and suddenly recollects._) Oh, goodness! my chop! (_running to fireplace_). Holloa--what's that? The bacon again! Oh, pooh! Zounds--confound it--dash it--damn it--I can't stand this! (_Pokes fork into bacon, opens window and flings it out; shuts window again, returns to drawers for tea-things, and encounters BOX coming from his cupboard with his tea-things. They walk down C. of stage together._) Who are you, sir?

BOX. If you come to that--who are _you?_

COX. What do you want here, sir?

BOX. If you come to that--what do _you_ want?

COX (_aside_). It's the printer! (_Puts tea-things on the drawers._)

BOX (_aside_). It's the hatter! (_Puts tea-things on table._)

COX. Go to your attic, sir--

BOX. _My_ attic, sir? _Your_ attic, sir!

COX. Printer, I shall do you a frightful injury if you don't instantly leave my apartment.

BOX. _Your_ apartment? You mean _my_ apartment, you contemptible hatter, you!

COX. _Your_ apartment? Ha! ha!--come, I like that! Look here, sir. (_Produces a paper out of his pocket._) Mrs. Bouncer's receipt for the last week's rent, sir--

BOX (_produces a paper, and holds it close to COX'S face_). Ditto, sir!

COX (_suddenly shouting_). Thieves!

BOX. Murder!

BOTH. Mrs. Bouncer! (_Each runs to door, L. C., calling._)

_MRS. BOUNCER runs in at door, L. C._

MRS. B. What is the matter? (_COX and BOX seize MRS. BOUNCER by the arm and drag her forward._)

BOX. Instantly remove that hatter!

COX. Immediately turn out that printer!

MRS. B. Well, but, gentlemen--

COX. Explain! (_Pulling her round to him._)

BOX. Explain! (_Pulling her round to him._) Whose room is this?

COX. Yes, woman--whose room is this?

BOX. Doesn't it belong to me?

MRS. B. No!

COX. There! You hear, sir--it belongs to me!

MRS. B. No--it belongs to both of you! (_sobbing_).

COX _and_ BOX. Both of us?

MRS. B. Oh, dear gentlemen, don't be angry--but, you see, this gentleman (_pointing to BOX_) only being at home in the daytime, and that gentleman (_pointing to COX_) at night, I thought I might venture, until my little back second-floor room was ready--

BOX _and_ COX (_eagerly_). When will your little back second-floor room be ready?

MRS. B. Why, to-morrow--

COX. I'll take it!

BOX. So will I!

MRS. B. Excuse me--but if you both take it, you may just as well stop where you are.

COX _and_ BOX. True.

COX. I spoke first, sir--

BOX. With all my heart, sir. The little back second-floor room is yours, sir--now, go--

COX. Go? Pooh--pooh!

MRS. B. Now don't quarrel, gentlemen. You see, there used to be a partition here--

COX _and_ BOX. Then put it up!

MRS. B. Nay, I'll see if I can't get the other room ready this very day. Now _do_ keep your tempers.

[_Exit L._

COX. What a disgusting position! (_walking rapidly round stage_).

BOX (_sitting down on chair at one side of table, and following COX'S movements_). Will you allow me to observe, if you have not had any exercise to-day, you'd better go out and take it.

COX. I shall not do anything of the sort, sir (_seating himself at the table opposite BOX_).

BOX. Very well, sir.

COX. Very well, sir! However, don't let me prevent _you_ from going out.

BOX. Don't flatter yourself, sir. (_COX is about to break a piece of the roll off._) Holloa! that's my roll, sir. (_Snatches it away, puts a pipe in his mouth, lights it with a piece of tinder, and puffs smoke across to COX._)

COX. Holloa! What are you about, sir?

BOX. What am I about? I'm about to smoke.

COX. Wheugh! (_Goes and opens window at BOX'S back._)

BOX. Holloa! (_Turns round._) Put down that window, sir!

COX. Then put your pipe out, sir!

BOX. There! (_Puts pipe on table._)

COX. There! (_Slams down window and reseats himself._)

BOX. I shall retire to my pillow. (_Goes up, takes off his jacket, then goes towards bed, and sits down upon it, L. C._)

COX (_jumps up, goes to bed, and sits down on R. of BOX_). I beg your pardon, sir--I cannot allow any one to rumple my bed. (_Both rising._)

BOX. Your bed? Hark ye, sir--can you fight?

COX. No, sir.

BOX. No? Then come on (_sparring at COX_).

COX. Sit down, sir, or I'll instantly vociferate "Police!"

BOX (_seats himself. COX does the same_). I say, sir--

COX. Well, sir?

BOX. Although we are doomed to occupy the same room for a few hours longer, I don't see any necessity for our cutting each other's throats, sir.

COX. Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly object to.

BOX. And, after all, I've no violent animosity to you, sir.

COX. Nor have I any rooted antipathy to you, sir.

BOX. Besides, it was all Mrs. Bouncer's fault, sir.

COX. Entirely, sir (_gradually approaching chairs_).

BOX. Very well, sir!

COX. Very well, sir! (_Pause._)

BOX. Take a bit of roll, sir?

COX. Thank ye, sir (_breaking a bit off. Pause_).

BOX. Do you sing, sir?

COX. I sometimes join in a chorus.

BOX. Then give us a chorus. (_Pause._) Have you seen the Bosjemans, sir?

COX. No, sir--my wife wouldn't let me.

BOX. Your _wife!_

COX. That is--my _intended_ wife.

BOX. Well, that's the same thing! I congratulate you (_shaking hands_).

COX (_with a deep sigh_). Thank ye. (_Seeing BOX about to get up._) You needn't disturb yourself, sir. She won't come here.

BOX. Oh! I understand. You've got a snug little establishment of your own _here_--on the sly--cunning dog (_nudging COX_).

COX (_drawing himself up_). No such thing, sir; I repeat, sir, no such thing, sir; but my wife--I mean, my intended wife--happens to be the proprietor of a considerable number of bathing-machines--

BOX (_suddenly_). Ha! Where? (_grasping COX'S arm_).

COX. At a favorite watering-place. How curious you are!

BOX. Not at all. Well?

COX. Consequently, in the bathing season--which luckily is rather a long one--we see but little of each other; but as that is now over, I am daily indulging in the expectation of being blessed with the sight of _my_ beloved (_very seriously_). Are _you_ married?

BOX. Me? Why--not exactly!

COX. Ah--a happy bachelor!

BOX. Why--not--precisely!

COX. Oh! a--widower?

BOX. No--not absolutely!

COX. You'll excuse me, sir--but at present I don't exactly understand how you can help being one of the three.

BOX. Not help it?

COX. No, sir--not you, nor any other man alive!

BOX. Ah, that may be--but I'm not alive!

COX (_pushing back his chair_). You'll excuse me, sir, but I don't like joking upon such subjects.

BOX. I'm perfectly serious, sir. I've been defunct for the last three years.

COX (_shouting_). Will you be quiet, sir?

BOX. If you won't believe me, I'll refer you to a very large, numerous, and respectable circle of disconsolate friends.

COX. My dear sir--my _very_ dear sir--if there does exist any ingenious contrivance whereby a man on the eve of committing matrimony can leave this world, and yet stop in it, I shouldn't be sorry to know it.

BOX. Oh! then I presume I'm not to set you down as being frantically attached to your intended?

COX. Why, not exactly; and yet, at present, I'm only aware of one obstacle to doating upon her, and that is, that I can't abide her!

BOX. Then there's nothing more easy. Do as I did.

COX (_eagerly_). I will! What was it?

BOX. Drown yourself!

COX (_shouting again_). Will you be quiet, sir?

BOX. Listen to me. Three years ago it was my misfortune to captivate the affections of a still blooming, though somewhat middle-aged widow, at Ramsgate.

COX (_aside_). Singular enough! Just my case three months ago at Margate.

BOX. Well, sir, to escape her importunities, I came to the determination of enlisting into the Blues, or Lifeguards.

COX (_aside_). So did I. How very odd!

BOX. But they wouldn't have me--they actually had the effrontery to say that I was too short--

COX (_aside_). And I wasn't tall enough!

BOX. So I was obliged to content myself with a marching regiment--I enlisted!

COX (_aside_). So did I. Singular coincidence!

BOX. I'd no sooner done so than I was sorry for it.

COX (_aside_). So was I.

BOX. My infatuated widow offered to purchase my discharge, on condition that I'd lead her to the altar.

COX (_aside_). Just my case!

BOX. I hesitated--at last I consented.

COX (_aside_). I consented at once!

BOX. Well, sir, the day fixed for the happy ceremony at length drew near--in fact, too near to be pleasant--so I suddenly discovered that I wasn't worthy to possess her, and I told her so; when, instead of being flattered by the compliment, she flew upon me like a tiger of the female gender. I rejoined--when suddenly something whizzed past me, within an inch of my ear, and shivered into a thousand fragments against the mantle-piece--it was the slop-basin. I retaliated with a teacup--we parted, and the next morning I was served with a notice of action for breach of promise.

COX. Well, sir?

BOX. Well, sir, ruin stared me in the face--the action proceeded against me with gigantic strides. I took a desperate resolution; I left my home early one morning, with one suit of clothes on my back, and another tied up in a bundle under my arm. I arrived on the cliffs, opened my bundle, deposited the suit of clothes on the very verge of the precipice, took one look down into the yawning gulf beneath me, and walked off in the opposite direction.

COX. Dear me! I think I begin to have some slight perception of your meaning. Ingenious creature! You disappeared--the suit of clothes was found--

BOX. Exactly; and in one of the pockets of the coat, or the waistcoat, or the pantaloons--I forget which--there was also found a piece of paper, with these affecting farewell words: "This is thy work, oh, Penelope Ann!"

COX. Penelope Ann! (_Starts up, takes BOX by the arm, and leads him slowly to front of stage._) Penelope Ann?

BOX. Penelope Ann!

COX. Originally widow of William Wiggins?

BOX. Widow of William Wiggins.

COX. Proprietor of bathing-machines?

BOX. Proprietor of bathing-machines!

COX. At Margate?

BOX. And Ramsgate!

COX. It must be she! And you, sir--you are Box--the lamented, long lost Box!

BOX. I am.

COX. And I was about to marry the interesting creature you so cruelly deceived.

BOX. Ha! then you are Cox?

COX. I am.

BOX. I heard of it. I congratulate you--I give you joy! And now I think I'll go and take a stroll (_going_).

COX. No you don't! (_stopping him_). I'll not lose sight of you till I've restored you to the arms of your intended.

BOX. _My_ intended? You mean _your_ intended.

COX. No, sir--yours!

BOX. How can she be _my_ intended, now that I'm drowned?

COX. You're no such thing, sir! and I prefer presenting you to Penelope Ann.

BOX. I've no wish to be introduced to your intended.

COX. _My_ intended? How can that be, sir? You proposed to her first!

BOX. What of that, sir? I came to an untimely end, and you popped the question afterwards.

COX. Very well, sir!

BOX. Very well, sir!

COX. You are much more worthy of her than I am, sir. Permit me, then, to follow the generous impulse of my nature--I give her up to you.

BOX. Benevolent being! I wouldn't rob you for the world! (_Going._) Good-morning, sir!

COX (_seizing him_). Stop!

BOX. Unhand me, hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb and assume the lion!

COX. Pooh! (_snapping his fingers close to BOX'S face_).

BOX. An insult! to my very face!--under my very nose! (_rubbing it_). You know the consequences, sir--instant satisfaction, sir!

COX. With all my heart, sir! (_They go to the fireplace, R., and begin ringing bells violently, and pull down bell-pulls._)

BOTH. Mrs. Bouncer! Mrs. Bouncer!

[_MRS. BOUNCER runs in, L. C._

MRS. B. What is it, gentlemen?

BOX. Pistols for two!

MRS. B. Yes, sir (_going_).

COX. Stop! You don't mean to say, thoughtless and imprudent woman, that you keep loaded fire-arms in the house?

MRS. B. Oh no--they're not loaded.

COX. Then produce the murderous weapons instantly!

[_Exit MRS. BOUNCER, L. C._

BOX. I say, sir!

COX. Well, sir?

BOX. What's your opinion of duelling, sir?

COX. I think it's a barbarous practice, sir.

BOX. So do I, sir. To be sure, I don't so much object to it when the pistols are not loaded.

COX. No; I dare say that _does_ make some difference.

BOX. And yet, sir, on the other hand, doesn't it strike you as rather a waste of time for two people to keep firing pistols at each other with nothing in 'em?

COX. No, sir--not more than any other harmless recreation.

BOX. Hark ye! Why do you object to marry Penelope Ann?

COX. Because, as I've observed already, I can't abide her. You'll be very happy with her.

BOX. Happy? Me! With the consciousness that I have deprived _you_ of such a treasure? No, no, Cox!

COX. Don't think of me, Box--I shall be sufficiently rewarded by the knowledge of my Box's happiness.

BOX. Don't be absurd, sir!

COX. Then don't you be ridiculous, sir!

BOX. I won't have her!

COX. I won't have her!

BOX. I have it! Suppose we draw lots for the lady--eh, Mr. Cox?

COX. That's fair enough, Mr. Box.

BOX. Or, what say you to dice?

COX. With all my heart! Dice, by all means (_eagerly_).

BOX (_aside_). That's lucky! Mrs. Bouncer's nephew left a pair here yesterday. He sometimes persuades me to have a throw for a trifle, and as he always throws sixes, I suspect they are good ones. (_Goes to the cupboard at R., and brings out the dice-box._)

COX (_aside_). I've no objection at all to dice. I lost one pound seventeen and sixpence at last Barnet Races, to a very gentlemanly-looking man who had a most peculiar knack of throwing sixes; I suspected they were loaded, so I gave him another half-crown, and he gave me the dice. (_Takes dice out of his pocket; uses lucifer-box as substitute for dice-box, which is on table._)

BOX. Now, then, sir!

COX. I'm ready, sir! (_They seat themselves at opposite sides of the table._) Will you lead off, sir?

BOX. As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, wins Penelope Ann?

COX. Of course, sir.

BOX. Very well, sir!

COX. Very well, sir!

BOX (_rattling dice and throwing_). Sixes!

COX. That's not a bad throw of yours, sir. (_Rattling dice--throws._) Sixes!

BOX. That's a pretty good one of yours, sir. (_Throws._) Sixes!

COX (_throws_). Sixes!

BOX. Sixes!

COX. Sixes!

BOX. Sixes!

COX. Sixes!

BOX. Those are not bad dice of yours, sir.

COX. Yours seem pretty good ones, sir.

BOX. Suppose we change?

COX. Very well, sir. (_They change dice._)

BOX (_throwing_). Sixes!

COX. Sixes!

BOX. Sixes!

COX. Sixes!

BOX (_flings down the dice_). Pooh! It's perfectly absurd, your going on throwing sixes in this sort of way, sir.

COX. I shall go on till my luck changes, sir!

BOX. Let's try something else. I have it! Suppose we toss for Penelope Ann?

COX. The very thing I was going to propose! (_They each turn aside and take out a handful of money._)

BOX (_aside, examining money_). Where's my tossing shilling? Here it is (_selecting coin_).

COX (_aside, examining money_). Where's my lucky sixpence? I've got it!

BOX. Now, then, sir--heads win?

COX. Or tails lose--whichever you prefer.

BOX. It's the same to me, sir.

COX. Very well, sir. Heads, I win--tails, you lose.

BOX. Yes,--(_suddenly_)--no. Heads win, sir.

COX. Very well--go on! (_They are standing opposite to each other._)

BOX (_tossing_). Heads!

COX (_tossing_). Heads!

BOX (_tossing_). Heads!

COX (_tossing_). Heads!

BOX. Ain't you rather tired of turning up heads, sir?

COX. Couldn't you vary the monotony of our proceedings by an occasional tail, sir?

BOX (_tossing_). Heads!

COX (_tossing_). Heads!

BOX. Heads? Stop, sir! Will you permit me (_taking COX'S sixpence_). Holloa! your sixpence has got no tail, sir!

COX (_seizing BOX'S shilling_). And your shilling has got two heads, sir!

BOX. Cheat!

COX. Swindler! (_They are about to rush upon each other, then retreat to some distance and commence sparring, and striking fiercely at each other._)

_Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L. H. C._

BOX _and_ COX. Is the little back second-floor room ready?

MRS. B. Not quite, gentlemen. I can't find the pistols, but I have brought you a letter--it came by the general post yesterday. I'm sure I don't know how I forgot it, for I put it carefully in my pocket.

COX. And you've kept it carefully in your pocket ever since?

MRS. B. Yes, sir. I hope you'll forgive me, sir (_going_). By-the-bye, I paid twopence for it.

COX. Did you? Then I _do_ forgive you.

[_Exit MRS. B._

(_Looking at letter._) "Margate." The post-mark decidedly says "Margate."

BOX. Oh, doubtless a tender epistle from Penelope Ann.

COX. Then read it, sir (_handing letter to BOX_).

BOX. Me, sir?

COX. Of course. You don't suppose I'm going to read a letter from your intended?

BOX. My intended! Pooh! It's addressed to you--C, O, X!

COX. Do you think that's a C? It looks to me like a B.

BOX. Nonsense! Fracture the seal!

COX (_opens letter--starts_). Goodness gracious!

BOX (_snatching letter--starts_). Gracious goodness!

COX (_taking letter again_). "Margate--May the 4th. Sir,--I hasten to convey to you the intelligence of a melancholy accident which has bereft you of your intended wife." He means _your_ intended!

BOX. No, _yours!_ However, it's perfectly immaterial--but she unquestionably was yours.

COX. How can that be? You proposed to her first!

BOX. Yes, but then you-- Now don't let us begin again. Go on.

COX (_resuming letter_). "Poor Mrs. Wiggins went out for a short excursion in a sailing-boat--a sudden and violent squall soon after took place, which it is supposed upset her, as she was found, two days afterwards, keel upward."

BOX. Poor woman!

COX. The boat, sir! (_Reading_). "As her man of business, I immediately proceeded to examine her papers, among which I soon discovered her will, the following extract from which will, I have no doubt, be satisfactory to you: 'I hereby bequeath my entire property to my intended husband.'" Excellent but unhappy creature! (_affected_).

BOX. Generous, ill-fated being! (_affected_).

COX. And to think that I tossed up for such a woman!

BOX. When I remember that I staked such a treasure on the hazard of a die!

COX. I'm sure, Mr. Box, I can't sufficiently thank you for your sympathy.

BOX. And I'm sure, Mr. Cox, you couldn't feel more, if she had been your own intended!

COX. _If_ she'd been _my own_ intended? She _was_ my own intended!

BOX. Your intended? Come, I like that! Didn't you very properly observe just now, sir, that I proposed to her first?

COX. To which you very sensibly replied that you'd come to an untimely end.

BOX. I deny it!

COX. I say you have!

BOX. The fortune's mine!

COX. Mine!

BOX. I'll have it!

COX. So will I!

BOX. I'll go to law!

COX. So will I!

BOX. Stop--a thought strikes me. Instead of going to law about the property, suppose we divide it.

COX. Equally?

BOX. Equally. I'll take two-thirds.

COX. That's fair enough--and I'll take three-fourths.

BOX. That won't do. Half and half!

COX. Agreed! There's my hand upon it--

BOX. And mine. (_About to shake hands--a Postman's knock heard at street door._)

COX. Holloa! Postman again!

BOX. Postman yesterday--postman to-day.

_Enter MRS. BOUNCER._

MRS. B. Another letter, Mr. Cox--twopence more!

COX. I forgive you again! (_Taking letter._) Another trifle from Margate. (_Opens the letter--starts._) Goodness gracious!

BOX (_snatching letter--starts_). Gracious goodness!

COX (_snatching letter again--reads_). "Happy to inform you--false alarm"--

BOX (_overlooking_). "Sudden squall--boat upset--Mrs. Wiggins, your intended"--

COX. "Picked up by a steamboat"--

BOX. "Carried into Boulogne"--

COX. "Returned here this morning"--

BOX. "Will start by early train, to-morrow"--

COX. "And be with you at ten o'clock, exact." (_Both simultaneously pull out their watches._)

BOX. Cox, I congratulate you--

COX. Box, I give you joy!

BOX. I'm sorry that most important business of the Colonial Office will prevent my witnessing the truly happy meeting between you and your intended. Good-morning (_going_).

COX (_stopping him_). It's obviously for me to retire. Not for worlds would I disturb the rapturous meeting between you and your intended. Good-morning!

BOX. You'll excuse me, sir--but our last arrangement was that she was _your_ intended.

COX. No, yours!

BOX. Yours!

TOGETHER. Yours! (_Ten o'clock strikes--noise of an omnibus._)

BOX. Ha! what's that? A cab's drawn up at the door! (_Running to window._) No--it's a twopenny omnibus!

COX (_leaning over BOX'S shoulder_). A lady's got out--

BOX. There's no mistaking that majestic person--it's Penelope Ann!

COX. Your intended!

BOX. Yours!

COX. Yours! (_Both run to door, L. C., and eagerly listen._)

BOX. Hark--she's coming up-stairs!

COX. Shut the door! (_They slam the door, and both lean up against it with their backs._)

MRS. B. (_without, and knocking_). Mr. Cox! Mr. Cox!

COX (_shouting_). I've just stepped out!

BOX. So have I!

MRS. B. Mr. Cox! (_Pushing at the door--COX and BOX redouble their efforts to keep their door shut._) Open the door! It's only me--Mrs. Bouncer!

COX. Only you? Then where's the lady?

MRS. B. Gone!

COX. Upon your honor?

BOX. As a gentleman?

MRS. B. Yes, and she's left a note for Mr. Cox.

COX. Give it to me!

MRS. B. Then open the door!

COX. Put it under! (_Letter is put under the door; COX picks up the letter and opens it._) Goodness gracious!