Part 12

FLOR. Mr. Mallingford? There must be some mistake!

SKRUFF. Yes! it was a gigantic mistake on your old fool of an uncle's part to admit him here at all! If he'd had a grain of common-sense he'd have seen that he only came here after your ten thousand pounds.

FLOR. (_smiling_). _My_ ten thousand pounds!

SKRUFF (_aside_). She doesn't deny it! Rapture!

FLOR. (_drawing a long sigh_). Ah! Mr. Skruff--what dangers surround the hapless girl destined by cruel fate to be an heiress!

SKRUFF (_in a sympathizing tone_). It must be very unpleasant! though I never was an heiress myself!

FLOR. Would that all men were as disinterested as you, sir!

SKRUFF. True, Miss Florence--for my part, if I were to marry a young lady with ten thousand pounds--

FLOR. You'd settle it all on herself--I _know_--I'm _sure_ you would! The quiet charm of a country life would be unspeakable rapture to you! To help her to tend her flowers--to feed her poultry--to grow her own currants and gooseberries--

SKRUFF. And her own eggs--and new-laid butter!

FLOR. But alas! Mallingford is my uncle's choice, and our union is irrevocable!

SKRUFF. It wouldn't break your heart, then, to part with Teddy! because if you really _do_ feel a sort of a sneaking kindness for me, I'll do all I can for you, I will indeed.

FLOR. (_with pretended emotion_). Oh, Mr. Skruff!--but, of course--my uncle--ah! he's here--

[_Runs off hastily into house._

SKRUFF. She refers me to her uncle! nothing could be plainer! I'll soon obtain his consent by enlightening his weak mind as to Master Teddy and his friend the captain!

_Enter GRITTY at back._

GRITTY. Oh, here you are, Sammy! What the deuce have you been doing with yourself?

SKRUFF (_aside_). I must give old Gritty a lesson! (_Aloud._) Mr. Gritty, allow me to remark, with the greatest possible respect, that you're an infant! a positive infant!

GRITTY (_looking at him--aside_). Samuel's been at the sherry!

SKRUFF. Yes, Gritty! there's a simple confiding innocence about you that's positively pitiable!

GRITTY (_angrily_). Gently, Samuel, gently! What the deuce are you driving at?

SKRUFF. In one word--what do you know about this Captain Taunton and Teddy?

GRITTY. Teddy! who the deuce is Teddy?

SKRUFF. Mr. Edward Mallingford.

GRITTY. That they're as pleasant, gentlemanly a couple of young fellows as you'll find in England! What have you to say against them, eh?

SKRUFF. Only this, that you've been done, Gritty--decidedly done!

GRITTY (_aside_). He decidedly _has_ been at the sherry! (_Aloud._) Your proofs, Mr. Skruff! (_angrily_).

SKRUFF. Nothing easier! Read that (_hands letter to GRITTY_).

GRITTY (_reading_). What's this? Can I believe my eyes? Young men of good family--with handsome allowances--raising the wind in this disreputable manner! It's disgraceful!--then to keep me in the dark--it's petty! paltry! contemptible! (_walking up and down_).

SKRUFF (_following him_). That's what _I_ say! It's petty! paltry! contemptible!

GRITTY (_suddenly turning and facing SKRUFF_). Look here, Skruff! if you've no particular desire to be strangled, you'll hold your tongue! I'll break off both engagements at once!

SKRUFF. That's right!

GRITTY. They shall neither of them dine here to-day!

SKRUFF. Right again!

GRITTY (_turning savagely on him and shouting_). Will you hold your infernal tongue! (_Shouting._) Florence! Hetty!

_Enter FLORENCE and HETTY running from house--SALLY following._

FLOR. } } (_together_). What's the matter, uncle? HETTY. }

GRITTY. The matter, this! Florence, you'll give up Taunton! Hetty, Mallingford no longer visits here!

FLOR. } } (_together_). Oh, uncle! HETTY. }

SKRUFF (_aside to FLORENCE_). Rely on me. _I'll_ never forsake you!

HETTY. But, uncle dear!

SKRUFF (_aside to her_). Never mind! _I_ won't give up.

HETTY. You forget that if we're not both married by the time I come of age--

FLOR. We shall neither of us get the money!

GRITTY (_angrily_). The money may go to the deuce!

SKRUFF. No! don't say that, Gritty! (_Aside to him._) I'll take one of 'em! I don't care which! (_Aside._) What a pity I can't marry them both! (_Bell rings; SALLY runs and opens gate; enter TAUNTON and MALLINGFORD_).

GRITTY. Here they both are! Captain Taunton (_bowing distantly_). I regret to inform you that the engagement between you and my niece is broken off! To you, Mr. Mallingford, I can only repeat the same.

TAUNT. } } (_astounded_). You surely must be joking, sir. MALLING. }

SKRUFF (_aside_). Is he though! Stick to 'em, Gritty! stick to 'em!

TAUNT. (_to GRITTY_). We require to know your reasons, sir.

SKRUFF. Natural enough. By all means, Gritty. Give the gentlemen your reasons, Gritty.

GRITTY. In a word, then, this gentleman (_pointing to SKRUFF_) informs me--

SKRUFF (_shouting_). No such thing! I deny it! (_Aside to GRITTY._) Don't go and drag me into it.

GRITTY (_handing letter to MALLINGFORD_). Do you know this letter, sir?

MALLING. (_starting_). By all that's unfortunate, Taunton, my letter to you!

TAUNT. About the one thousand pounds?

GRITTY. You confess it, then?

MALLING. One moment, sir! Knowing your objections to raising money on bills, my friend Taunton and I would certainly rather you had not seen this letter, but fortunately in this case no bill was necessary. You do not appear to have read the whole of the contents. (_Opens letter, and presenting it to GRITTY._) Please to turn over the page.

GRITTY (_turning over page of letter, and reading to himself_). What's this? Holloa, Samuel, you never told me to turn over!

SKRUFF. Turn over? What! at your time of life! You couldn't have done it!

GRITTY (_reading letter_). "My brother has just returned to town, and I have got a check for the amount we require, so that the confidence of our kind old friend, Mr. Gritty, will not be abused after all." Bravo! I say, Samuel, ain't you glad to hear this, eh? (_slapping SKRUFF on the back_).

SKRUFF. Intensely! (_Aside._) I wish I was well out of it!

GRITTY (_to TAUNTON and MALLINGFORD_). So you don't owe a penny?

TAUNT. Not one farthing.

GRITTY. Then I apologize for my unjust suspicions--although I should like to know what you young fellows could want with one thousand pounds.

FLOR. Nothing very serious, uncle.

HETTY. Merely a commission which these gentlemen have undertaken for Florence and me.

GRITTY. For _you?_

FLOR. Yes; the purchase of the meadow behind the orchard, which you have always been so anxious to possess.

HETTY. To be our joint gift out of our fortune, uncle, when I came of age.

GRITTY. Bless their affectionate little hearts! (_kissing FLORENCE and HETTY_). Doesn't this warm one up, eh, Sammy?

SKRUFF. Y-e-s--I do feel _warmish!_ (_Aside._) I'm in a raging fever! (_Aloud._) Then I suppose, Mr. Gritty, there need be no further concealment as to which of the two (_pointing to FLORENCE and HETTY_) is the lucky heiress. (_Aside._) It's as well to know.

GRITTY. That's all settled long ago--the ten thousand pounds will be divided equally between them.

SKRUFF. Oh! (_Aside._) Well, after all, five thousand pounds less, that idiotic meadow is worth having; and I am tolerably secure in the affections of both heiresses--I'm pretty sure of getting one. (_Beckoning aside to TAUNTON._) I believe, sir, I am correct in coming to the conclusion that your affections are fixed on the younger of Mr. Gritty's nieces, Miss Hetty?

TAUNT. Sir! (_indignantly_).

SKRUFF. Now don't fly out in that way--it's perfectly immaterial to me--you can have your choice--nothing can be fairer than that!

TAUNT. Before I reply to _your_ question, Mr.--Mr.--

SKRUFF. Skruff.

TAUNT. Mr. Skruff--perhaps you'll be good enough to answer mine--how did you come to open a letter addressed to another?

SKRUFF. How did I open it? In the usual way, I assure you.

TAUNT. For which I have half a mind to give you a sound horsewhipping!

SKRUFF. My dear sir, as long as you have only _half_ a mind, and _keep_ to it, you may threaten me as much as you think proper. Besides, sir, as I flatter myself that Miss Florence honors me with her partiality--(_bowing to FLORENCE_).

FLOR. Excuse me, Mr. Skruff! Flattered by your proposal, but compelled to decline (_courtesying very low and giving her hand to TAUNTON_).

SKRUFF (_aside_). That's no go. (_Aloud._) How silly of me, to be sure! Of course, when I said Miss _Florence_ I meant Miss _Hetty_ (_about to advance_).

MALLING. (_meeting him_). Pardon me, Mr. Skruff! I have a prior claim (_holding out his hand to HETTY_). Dear Hetty!

HETTY (_giving her hand to MALLINGFORD_). Dear Teddy!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Another no go.

GRITTY. Why, Sammy, what a desperate fellow you are--have you been falling in love with _both_ my girls?

TAUNT. With neither, Mr. Gritty--but desperately smitten with their ten thousand pounds!

GRITTY. Oh! oh! that was your little game, eh, Sam?

SKRUFF. I'll trouble you not to _Sam_ me, Mr. Gritty! I beg you to understand that I'm not going to stand _Sam_ any longer! (_drawing himself up_). I sha'n't stop to dinner, Gritty!

ALL (_with pretended regret, and in a very appealing tone_). Oh, don't say so!

SKRUFF. But I _do_ say so.

SALLY (_aside to him_). _Now_ you haven't told me which is the taters, sir!

SKRUFF. Open the gate, young woman! (_SALLY goes to open gate._) Good-morning, Mr. Gritty! Good-morning, ladies! I hope you'll be happy--though I wouldn't give much for your chance. (_Advancing rapidly to the front._) After all, perhaps I've had a narrow escape--who knows but I may have cause to be grateful that I _have_ been declined--

ALL (_with low courtesies and bows_). With thanks!

_As SKRUFF hurries up, accompanied with repeated bows and courtesies, the_

CURTAIN FALLS.

Transcriber's Note

This transcription is based on images posted by the Internet Archive and which were scanned from a copy made available by the Library of Congress:

archive.org/details/comediettasfarce00mort

The following changes were noted:

-- p. 20: (_pointing to BOX_, only being at home--Changed comma after "BOX" to a closing parenthesis.

-- p. 20: COX. _and_ BOX. True.--Deleted period after "COX".

-- p. 32: BOX (_leaning over COX'S shoulder_). A lady's got out--The lines before and after this line were both assigned to Box, therefore the names Box and Cox were switched.

-- p. 68: (_Aside to JESSIE, as he goes towards table_),--For consistency, the comma after the parenthesis has been changed to a period and inserted after "_table_".

-- p. 73: (_going up to meet CHIRPER, who enters at C_).--Inserted a period after "C".

-- p. 97: (_Doctor looks at her again and gives a loud sigh._)--Changed "_Doctor_" to unitalicized small caps in html version of file and all caps in text version for consistency.

-- p. 104: MRS. P For you?--Inserted a period after "P".

-- p. 147: In the cast list, added a period after "MR. SAMUEL SKRUFF" and "SPRONKS'S BOY" for consistency.

-- p. 148: SALLY If you've come for the water-rate--Inserted a period after "SALLY".

-- p. 148: SALLY Well, sir, that depends--Inserted a period after "SALLY".

-- p. 150: . . . the name of the firm--"tailors"--'Conduit Street" . . . --Changed the single quotation mark before "Conduit" to a double quotation mark.

-- p. 151: GRITTY (_pouring out a glass of wine_) There, Samuel--Inserted a period after the closing parenthesis.

-- p. 155: HETTY (_to Gritty_). If this odious creature Skruff stays--Changed "_Gritty_" to small caps in the html version of the file and all caps in the text version for consistency.

-- p. 161: TAUNT. (_heard without at R_).--Added a period after "R".

-- p. 163: _at the same time drops the letter on stage._--Inserted a closing parenthesis after "_stage._"

-- p. 164: _Florence has entered from house and runs down eagerly_--Changed "_Florence_" to small caps in the html version of the file and all caps in the text version for consistency.

-- p. 170: the ten thousand pounds will be divided equally beween them.--Changed "beween" to "between".

End of Project Gutenberg's Comediettas and Farces, by John Maddison Morton