Part 11

SKRUFF. Well, the fact is, Mr. Gritty, my father has often talked of paying you a visit-- Thank you, I don't mind taking just one more glass (_holding out his glass to GRITTY, who fills it--SKRUFF tosses it down._) Let me see--I was saying--

GRITTY. That your father has often talked of paying me a visit.

SKRUFF. Exactly--but the fact is-- Well, since you insist upon it, I don't mind just _half_ a glass more (_holding out his glass--GRITTY fills it half full._)

GRITTY. I think you said _half_ a glass?

SKRUFF. Did I?--far be it from me to contradict you, but--(_GRITTY laughs and fills up SKRUFF'S glass, which SKRUFF again tosses off._)

GRITTY. Now you haven't told me why my old friend hasn't been down to see me all these years.

SKRUFF. Well, the fact is, it's such an awful expense to get down here!

GRITTY. What! from Putney to Teddington--eighteenpence second-class return? Surely that wouldn't have ruined him!

SKRUFF (_aside_). If ever old Gritty becomes my uncle-in-law, I shall have to put a stop to all these extravagant notions of his.

GRITTY. Well, it seems _you_ didn't grudge the expense.

SKRUFF. Not a bit of it, because I didn't go to it! I got a lift in our butcher's cart to Richmond--then on to Twickenham with a benevolent baker, and walked the rest.

GRITTY (_aside_). A careful young man this! but I'm afraid my old friend has made a trifling mistake in his calculations. He used to say it was time enough to make a gentleman when you'd made your money--but in my opinion, a man can't begin a bit too soon! (_Aloud._) Now, Sammy, come and take a stroll round the grounds, and I'll introduce you to my nieces, a couple of nice girls, Sammy! I hope you're a lady's man (_poking him in the ribs_), ha! ha!

SKRUFF. Well, as a _rule,_ the sex _is_ rather partial to me!--ha! ha! (_giving GRITTY a poke in the ribs_).

GRITTY. Is it? Well, there's no accounting for taste!

SKRUFF. You see, father's well off--and the pickings 'll be uncommon good when the old boy pops off!--a great attraction to the female mind, Mr. Gritty!

GRITTY. I dare say; but luckily, my girls will not have to look to _money_ as the main thing! (_Looking round, and then in a confidential whisper to SKRUFF._) Ten thousand pounds, left by a rich old aunt! which may probably fall to--

SKRUFF (_very eagerly_). Yes! to--to--

GRITTY (_in a whisper_). Florence!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Oh! that's the one, is it? (_Writing aside in note-book._) Then down she goes, "Sally! Spronks! Florence!"

GRITTY (_continuing_). Unless, indeed--

SKRUFF (_quickly_). Unless, indeed, what?

GRITTY. Hetty should turn out to be the lucky one!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Who's to make head or tail out of this? (_Aloud._) Then you don't exactly know which of the two it is?

GRITTY. No, but I _shall,_ as soon as Hetty comes of age, by which time, by-the-bye, both the girls must, according to the terms of the will, be married.

SKRUFF. Oh! (_Aside._) It strikes me this is a dodge to get the two girls off with one legacy! (_Aloud._) And when _does_ Miss Hetty come of age?

GRITTY. In ten days.

SKRUFF. Ten days? Rather a short time to provide two husbands in?

GRITTY. Not at all! They're already provided!--both of 'em!

SKRUFF. Already provided! (_Aside._) And this is what I get for coming down here and wasting my income in travelling expenses! but I'll make a fight of it yet! If they think they're going to walk over the course they'll find themselves mistaken! (_Aloud._) And what sort of articles are these young chaps, eh? You can't be too particular in selecting the _pattern,_ Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. Oh, they're all right!--nice gentlemanly young fellows!

SKRUFF. Take care, Mr. Gritty!--I know pretty well what the general run of "gentlemanly young fellows" is!--they're uncommon fond of running long tailors' bills!

GRITTY. Well, you shall judge for yourself--they both dine here to-day!

SKRUFF. To-day? (_Aside._) Then I haven't much time to lose if I'm to cut 'em out! (_Aloud._) You haven't told me their names.

GRITTY. Oh! one is a military man, Captain Taunton of the Buffs--the other, Edward Mallingford, of the War Office!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Don't remember either of their names--but they're sure to be in debt somewhere or other--if I only had time to find out _where!_ (_Aloud._) And pray, which is which destined for, Mr. Gritty? (_Aside._) It's important for me to know that! (_taking out his pocket-book on the sly_).

GRITTY. Oh, there's no secret about it--Florence is engaged to-- (_Seeing FLORENCE, who enters from house._) Oh! here she comes! And Hetty is going to marry--and here _she_ comes (_seeing HETTY, who follows FLORENCE from house_).

GRITTY. Come here, my dears! (_FLORENCE and HETTY come down_). The son of my old partner, Mr. Samuel Skruff. (_Introducing._) Mr. Samuel Skruff--my nieces--Miss Florence Halliday, Miss Hetty Halliday. (_FLORENCE and HETTY courtesy._)

SKRUFF (_bowing_). Firm of Skruff & Son, Miss Florence! first-rate business, Miss Hetty! (_To FLORENCE._) Our 13_s._ trousers is a fortune in itself! (_To HETTY._) And as to our everlasting wear fabric, which we advertise so extensively, it is simply all plunder! (_following HETTY and addressing her apart with much gesticulation, while FLORENCE comes down to GRITTY_).

FLOR. Oh! uncle, dear! why do you ask your dreadful tailoring acquaintances here? Do try and get rid of this vulgar little man before Captain Taunton comes, or he'll think he's a relation!

[_Retires up._

SKRUFF (_aside_). I'm getting on first-rate (_joining FLORENCE, while HETTY comes down_).

HETTY (_to GRITTY_). If this odious creature Skruff stays, you really must let him have his dinner in the kitchen. I dare say he's used to it, Edward would be perfectly horrified at his vulgarity.

GRITTY. Can't do that, my dear, but I'll relieve you of his presence as much as I can! (_To SKRUFF._) Now, Samuel, as you've made the acquaintance of the ladies, suppose we take a turn round the garden! (_taking SKRUFF'S arm_).

FLOR. By all means, Mr. Skruff; there's such a beautiful view of the river from the lawn, Mr. Skruff!

HETTY. And we've such a nice boat, Mr. Skruff!

FLOR. You can paddle yourself about in it for hours, Mr. Skruff!

HETTY. Yes, the longer the better, Mr. Skruff!

GRITTY. Come along, Sammy! (_twisting SKRUFF round--SKRUFF resisting_).

HETTY. Good-bye, Mr. Skruff!

FLOR. Ta, ta, Mr. Skruff! (_GRITTY drags SKRUFF off, struggling at R._)

FLOR. Well, Hetty?

HETTY. Well, Florence?

FLOR. Were you ever introduced to such an objectionable individual before?

HETTY. Never! and the creature evidently shows symptoms of falling in love.

FLOR. With me?

HETTY. With you? Don't flatter yourself! with _me!_ He was on the point of saying something very tender to me when you jealously monopolized his attention!

FLOR. Nonsense! I'm sure he was about to declare his passion for me when you cruelly dragged him away!

HETTY. Then it's quite clear he means to marry one of us! If he honors _me_ with the preference, I must refer him to Mallingford, ha! ha!

FLOR. And if he pops to _me,_ he'll have to settle the matter with Captain Taunton, ha! ha! ha!

_Here CAPTAIN TAUNTON'S head appears above the wall at R._

TAUNT. Good-morning, ladies! Will you open the door or shall I storm the fortress? (_HETTY runs and opens door R.; TAUNTON enters_). Now, ladies, may I ask the cause of all this merriment, and whether there is any objection to my sharing in the joke?

FLOR. None at all, Harry; it simply means that Hetty is likely to become "Mrs. Samuel Skruff" _vice_ "Edward Mallingford," cashiered.

HETTY. Don't be quite so positive, because it isn't _quite_ decided yet whether it will not be "Samuel Skruff" _vice_ "Henry Taunton." He's a tailor, and a capital hand at cutting out.

TAUNT. A very bad joke that (_they all laugh_); but of course you can't be serious?

HETTY. That will entirely depend, most gallant captain, on whether you are prepared to resign your pretensions! Your rival is a regular fire-eater, I can assure you.

TAUNT. And consequently one who would stand any amount of--kicking, eh?

FLOR. Ha! ha! But don't you think it's high time we dropped the tailor?

TAUNT. Certainly!

HETTY. Carried _nem. con._--"of Samuel Skruff we've had enough."

FLOR. But tell me, Harry, have you arranged for the payment of the thousand pounds?

TAUNT. Yes! and upon the most favorable terms.

FLOR. Then, not a single word to uncle on the subject until we give you permission. Remember that!

HETTY. Well, I must run away. You'll have some little compassion on poor Mr. Skruff, won't you, Florence? ha! ha! ha!

[_Exit laughing into house L. H._

TAUNT. Now, perhaps you'll enlighten me! Who the deuce is Skruff? Explain this Skruff.

FLOR. All I know of the interesting object of your inquiry is that he is the son of an old friend of my uncle's; that the object of his visit here is to make a conquest, on the shortest possible notice, either of Hetty or your humble servant!

TAUNT. (_savagely_). Let Skruff beware how he poaches on my manor!

GRITTY (_heard without_). Now then, Florry, Hetty, where the deuce are you?

FLOR. There's uncle calling; come along, Harry, I know how anxious you must be to make Mr. Skruff's acquaintance--ha! ha!

[_Exeunt FLORENCE and TAUNTON at back R._

_Enter SKRUFF hurriedly at back from L._

SKRUFF. Confound old Gritty! Wouldn't let me go till he'd dragged me through several acres of lettuces and spring onions; consequently the girls have vanished and I've lost my chance. Wish to goodness I knew which of the two was to have the money (_bell rings_).

SKRUFF (_opening gate R. and seeing SPRONKS'S boy with basket on his arm_). The youthful Spronks again. Come in!

SPRONKS (_entering, then giving the basket to SKRUFF_). Them's the taters and them's the ignuns!

SKRUFF. Of course; do you suppose I don't know a tater from an ignun? (_Aside._) I'll see if I can't pump a little information out of Spronks! (_Aloud._) Been long in the neighborhood, Spronks?

SPRONKS. Ever since I've been in it, sir!

SKRUFF. Have you indeed?--then of course you know something about Mr. Gritty, eh?

SPRONKS. I know he's a downright trump, and has always got a shilling to spare for them as wants it!--_I_ wants one dreadful bad just now! (_going--stops_). Now don't you go and forget--them's the taters--(_going_).

SKRUFF. Stop a minute!--there's--twopence for you! (_giving money to SPRONKS'S boy, who turns to go_). Don't be in such a hurry. (_Confidentially._) I dare say you hear a good deal of tattle from the servants, eh? (_patting boy familiarly on the back_)--here's another twopence for you!--now about the money that's coming to the young ladies--do you happen to have heard which of the two is likely to have it?

SPRONKS (_looking round mysteriously_). Well! I don't mind telling you all I know!

SKRUFF. That's right--here's another twopence for you! Now then (_taking out his note-book_).

SPRONKS. Well, sir--I've been making no end of inquiries about it from servants and tradespeople, and at last I've found out--

SKRUFF (_eagerly_). Yes! yes!

SPRONKS. That I know just as much about it now as before I began--ha! ha! ha! (_runs up to gate--stops_). Don't go and forget which is the taters!

[_Runs out._

SKRUFF. That boy will end his days in penal servitude!

_Enter SALLY from house._

SALLY. How late that boy is with the vegetables!

SKRUFF. Here they are, Sally--I took 'em in! (_giving SALLY the basket_)--them's the taters!

SALLY. Thank'ee sir (_going_).

SKRUFF. Stop a minute, Sally! Do you know, I've taken quite a fancy to give you a shilling? (_SALLY hurries back_). (_Aside._) That eagerness to collar the shilling convinces me that sixpence would have been enough! (_Aloud._) Been long in the Gritty family, Sally?

SALLY. Ever since I first came, sir--not before.

SKRUFF. That's a remarkable fact!--find yourself comfortable here, eh, Sally?

SALLY. Nothing much to complain of, sir; twelve pounds a year, everything found--except beer--and every other Sunday!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Except beer and every other Sunday! (_Aloud._) And your young ladies, Sally. They treat you kindly, eh?

SALLY. Yes, sir. We get on very comfortably, my young Missussesses and me.

SKRUFF (_aside._) She gets on very comfortably, her young Missussesses and she.

SALLY. They give me their old dresses and does their own hair.

SKRUFF. Oh! they does their own hair, does they? Ah! (_with intention_). It's a nice thing, Sally, to come in for a hatful of money, eh?

SALLY. Yes, sir. Ever so much nicer than sixpence?

SKRUFF. Ah! _Miss Hetty_ will be a fortunate girl, eh?

SALLY. Think so, sir?

SKRUFF. Unless, indeed, _Miss Florence_ should be the lucky one? Now tell me, if you were a betting man, which color would you bet on?

SALLY. Well, I think I should take the _fair_ one for choice!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Hetty, evidently.

SALLY. Unless the _dark_ one should happen to come in first--but you can't expect me to say any more for sixpence.

SKRUFF. Then the sixpence will have to stay where it was! (_Pockets the coin._)

SALLY. All right! dare say you want it a deal more than I do! (_Going--stops, and bobbing a courtesy._) Please sir, which did you say was the taters?--ha! ha!

[_Runs off into house._

SKRUFF (_looking after her_). There goes another candidate for penal servitude! This sort of thing won't do. I _must_ make up my mind one way or the other, so I'll make a bold stroke for Hetty and chance it! (_During this speech HETTY has entered at L.--stops and listens._)

HETTY. So, so! Then I must prepare myself for an equally bold resistance (_coming forward humming a tune_).

SKRUFF (_seeing her_). Ah, Miss Hetty!

HETTY. Ah, Mr. Skruff!

SKRUFF. Do you know, Miss Hetty, I'm quite pleased with this little place of your uncle's!--there's something about it--a sort of a kind of a--umph!

HETTY. Yes. I have noticed myself that there's something about it--a sort of a kind of a--(_imitating SKRUFF_).

SKRUFF. In short, it's the sort of place one could live in altogether--I shouldn't mind it _myself_--but not _alone!_ (_with a tender look at HETTY_).

HETTY (_with pretended sentimentality_). Of course not, Mr. Skruff! "Who would inhabit this bleak world alone?" You would require a companion--with beauty--amiability--and--

SKRUFF (_sentimentally_). Ten thousand pounds! (_Aside._) Neatly suggested!

HETTY. Ten thousand pounds! Why, that's a fortune, Mr. Samuel!

SKRUFF (_aside_). _Mr. Samuel!_ She's coming round! By Jove! I'll risk it--neck or nothing, here goes! (_suddenly seizing HETTY'S hand._) If _you_ had ten thousand pounds, Miss Hetty--do you think you could be happy with a gentleman like me? (_very sentimentally_).

HETTY (_aside_). A positive declaration! (_hiding her face in her handkerchief to conceal her laughter--then trying to release her hand_). Release my hand!--I beg!--I implore! If Captain Taunton should see us--

SKRUFF (_aside_). Captain Taunton!--the fellow that old Gritty was talking about!--after Hetty, is he? That's a sure sign the money lies in this quarter! (_Aloud._) Ah, Miss Hetty--these military gents seldom come to any good!--I should strongly advise you to give him up! I should indeed!--if he's a _gentleman,_ he won't make any fuss about it!

HETTY. Ah, Mr. Skruff, you don't know the captain--his very quietest moments are characterized by the most savage ferocity. Tell me (_seizing his arm_), can you shoot?

SKRUFF. Well, I used to be considered quite a crack shot at the bull's-eye!

HETTY. At the Wimbledon meeting?

SKRUFF. No! at the end of a barrow--for nuts!

HETTY. That's nothing! The captain can snuff a candle with a bullet at thirty paces!

SKRUFF. Can he? but doesn't he find that rather an inconvenient substitute for snuffers?

TAUNT. (_heard without at R._). Good-bye, then, for the present.

HETTY (_starting, and pretending alarm_). Ah! his voice--my absence has excited his suspicions--should he find us together we are lost! Break the painful intelligence to him gently--but be firm, Samuel, be firm! (_Aside._) Now to tell Florence.

[_Runs into house L._

SKRUFF. On second thoughts, perhaps I'd better not break the painful intelligence to him on our first interview, it would hardly be delicate. Besides, I really shouldn't like to commit an act of violence on Gritty's premises--it wouldn't be the right thing to do! Here he comes! I'll pretend not to notice him! (_Seats himself at back at L., and taking out a newspaper, which he pretends to read._)

_Enter CAPTAIN TAUNTON at back from R._

TAUNT. (_not seeing SKRUFF_). Yes! There is no doubt about it, it certainly _was_ risking a good deal to raise that one thousand pounds; but who could resist Florence's entreaties. One thing is quite certain--Mr. Gritty must know nothing about it.

SKRUFF (_watching him over his newspaper_). Old Gritty must know nothing about _what?_

TAUNT. The old gentleman has such a horror of accommodation-bills!

SKRUFF. Oh! oh! accommodation-bills, eh? That's your little game, my fine fellow, is it? I've got him safe enough now, and can split upon him at any time. I wonder what he's reading? (_Seeing TAUNTON, rises and comes cautiously down behind him to look over his shoulder at the letter--stumbles._)

TAUNT. (_looking round--aside_). The tailor! (_Aloud._) Perhaps you would like to read my private letters, sir?

SKRUFF. I should, very much-- I mean no, of course not.

TAUNT. What were you going to say, Mr.--Stuff?

SKRUFF. Skruff! (_Aside._) I wish Miss Hetty had broken the "painful intelligence" to him herself. I don't relish the idea of being "snuffed out" at thirty paces. Never mind, I'll risk it. (_Aloud._) Captain Taunton, I believe?

TAUNT. Well, sir, what then? (_angrily_).

SKRUFF. Now don't be jumping down my throat because I've an unpleasant duty to perform. In a word--I deeply regret to inform you--

TAUNT. (_fiercely_). _You,_ sir?

SKRUFF. I mean. Miss Halliday begs me to inform you--

TAUNT. (_impetuously_). Go on!

SKRUFF. I'm going to go on, sir.

TAUNT. Miss Halliday begs you to inform me--what?

SKRUFF. That when she accepted you as a friend of the family she had no intention whatever of accepting you as a _husband_--and _now,_ she _thinks_--I mean, _imagines_--I should say, _believes,_ she's made a slight mistake, because she finds she likes somebody else _better._

TAUNT. What! (_seizing SKRUFF by the collar and shaking him._)

SKRUFF. It's no use giving way to your "savage ferocity," sir; if you don't believe me, you'd better go and ask Miss Hetty yourself.

TAUNT. (_leaving hold of SKRUFF_). _Hetty!_ Did you say Hetty? (_Aside._) One of her practical jokes evidently. Ha! ha! ha! (_Pulls out his handkerchief and uses it to conceal his laughter, and at the same time drops the letter on stage._)

SKRUFF (_in a compassionate tone to TAUNTON, who has still got his handkerchief to his face, and patting him commiseratingly on the back_). Now don't go and make yourself miserable because another fellow has stepped into the ten thousand pounds!

TAUNT. (_aside_). The mercenary rascal! I see Hetty's "little game" now.

SKRUFF. Keep your pecker up, noble captain. I didn't mean to cut you out, upon my life I didn't!

TAUNT. (_aside_). I'll humor the fellow. (_Aloud, and with a very deep sigh._) Well, Mr.--Mr.--

SKRUFF. One moment (_presents card to TAUNTON_).

TAUNT. (_reading_). "Skruff--Tailor--Conduit Street. Orders promptly attended to." Your information, Mr. Skruff, I confess, is not a pleasant one! Far from it, Mr. Skruff! (_gives a very deep sigh_).

SKRUFF. Now don't go on sighing like that, or you'll be doing yourself some frightful internal injury!

TAUNT. Hetty will make you a good wife, Mr. Skruff, and a good mother to the little Skruffs, Mr. Skruff. Might I ask to be allowed to stand godfather to your first, Mr. Skruff?

SKRUFF. My dear sir, you shall stand godfather to the first dozen or two if you like!

TAUNT. Thank you, Mr. Skruff--but alas! alas! what is to become of the poor abandoned, broken-hearted Taunton? (_another very deep sigh_).

SKRUFF. Well! I don't like to advise--but I really don't see why you shouldn't chuck yourself in the water, especially if you can't swim!

TAUNT. (_very quietly_). Drown myself--not I! I shall at once propose to the other sister!

SKRUFF (_aghast_). What! (_seeing letter on stage, and putting his foot on it_). You mean to propose to Miss Florence?

TAUNT. Yes! this very day, this very hour! I suppose I shall be safe in that quarter? You won't have the heart to molest me _there,_ Mr. Skruff. (_Aside._) Now to let Mallingford know about this wretched little interloper! I shall be sure to meet him coming from the station! (_Aloud, and grasping SKRUFF'S hand._) Good-bye, Mr. Skruff! you have acted nobly!--nobly!--nobly, Mr. Skruff!

[_Shaking his hand violently, and going off at gate R._

SKRUFF. Have I? Don't be too sure about that! Wheugh! I've got the most excruciating attack of pins and needles all up my leg in trying to hide this letter! (_Picks it up._) The question is, ought I to read it? Of course I ought, or how should I know what's in it. Here goes! (_Reading letter._) "Dear Harry, I can raise the one thousand pounds on our joint acceptance, for a term--but for Heaven's sake conceal this from Mr. Gritty. Yours, Teddy." Teddy!--Teddy what? Teddy who? Yes; I remember now--I've got him down somewhere! (_looking at his memorandum-book_). Here he is!--"Edward Mallingford"--he's old Gritty's other young man! Here's a bit of luck!--I've got both the young chaps in my clutches now. Ha! ha!--but stop a bit--(_reflecting_). Isn't it rather strange, if the captain was _really_ in love with Hetty, that he should give her up so quietly?--then the eagerness with which he bound me down not to cut him out with Florence. What if the money comes to _her_ after all! Luckily, I haven't quite committed myself yet--and what's more, I won't.

_FLORENCE has entered from house and runs down eagerly to SKRUFF._

FLOR. (_seizing SKRUFF'S hand_). Hetty has told me all--all, Mr. Skruff. I cordially congratulate you on your conquest! (_shaking SKRUFF'S hand violently_).

SKRUFF (_trying to remove his hand_). I really don't exactly understand-- (_Aside._) A clear case--they think they've hooked me. If Hetty had got the money they wouldn't be so precious polite! (_Aloud._) I'm afraid, miss, we're laboring under some little mistake!

FLOR. Mistake? Not at all! Did you not propose to my sister?

SKRUFF. Propose? You mean pop? Ha! ha! ha! Excuse my laughing--but it really is so very ridiculous!

FLOR. Excuse me, Mr. Skruff--but your merriment is an insult. Poor Hetty! I'm afraid she'll be quite broken-hearted!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Another broken-hearted one! It runs in the family!

FLOR. Besides, even if Captain Taunton resigns in your favor--

SKRUFF. He _has!_ in the handsomest manner! He's even proposed to stand godfather to our first! but, says I, "No, Taunton, my boy, certainly not," says I, "I will _not_ blight your young life, Taunton, my boy," says I.

FLOR. How generous of you! (_Aside._) The little hypocrite!

SKRUFF (_aside_). If Hetty doesn't get the money, Florence must! That's logic, so here goes! (_Aloud._) Miss Florence, I hope you will pardon the liberty I am about to take--

FLOR. A liberty! from _you_--_you_ whom I hope I may look upon as a _friend!_ (_with pretended earnestness_).

SKRUFF. _Dearest_ miss--you may!

FLOR. Then I may venture to ask your advice on a matter of the most vital importance to me!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Now for Teddy! If Teddy doesn't catch it hot it'll be no fault of mine! So look out for squalls, Teddy! (_Aloud._) I think I can guess the subject you are about to refer to--a certain Mr.--Mr.--(_taking a side look at his memorandum-book_)--Edward Mallingford?

FLOR. Exactly!--do you know him?

SKRUFF. Personally, no!--professionally, as the signer of accommodation-bills by the bushel, intimately!