Part 10

ARTH. "Loveliest of women," "emotions," "agony," "Seringapatam," "despair," "Pegwell Bay"--

SIR F. Keep on going over it, like the multiplication-table; but hang it, man, don't look as lively as if you were waiting in a dentist's back parlor! (_Suddenly._) Here comes my wife! (_hurriedly hiding behind curtains_).

_Enter LADY FRITTERLY at L. H., carrying a smoking-cap._

LADY F. (_seeing VALLANCE_). Mr. Vallance?

ARTH. Lady Fritterly! (_bowing_).

LADY F. (_aside_). The ball is about to open! (_Aloud._) Won't you be seated? (_seating herself at L., ARTHUR moving a chair to some distance from LADY F., and seating himself_). A lovely morning, is it not? (_beginning to work at the smoking-cap_).

ARTH. Delicious!

LADY F. Quite cool and pleasant!

ARTH. (_aside_). I feel quite hot and _un_pleasant!

LADY F. By-the-bye, do you know where my husband is?

ARTH. (_fidgeting on his chair_). Not exactly; but I believe he's somewhere or other, or if not there, somewhere else.

SIR F. (_who has peeped out, listening_). Idiot! (_hiding again_).

LADY F. (_observing the movement of the curtain. Aside_). He's there! traitor! (_Aloud._) I'm sure I ought to feel deeply grateful to him for leaving so agreeable a substitute.

SIR F. (_listening_). That ought to encourage him!

ARTH. (_aside_). It's time I began, if I'm going to begin at all! (_Suddenly, and clasping his hands._) Oh, Lady Fritterly, pardon my agitation; but agitated as I am with the agitations that agitate me--the agony, the despair-- (_Aside._) I shall stick fast presently; I know I shall!

SIR F. (_listening_). That's better.

ARTH. But say--say you forgive me!

LADY F. Forgive you! for what? (_insinuatingly, and moving her chair nearer to ARTHUR, who draws his back_).

ARTH. For the confession which, alas! (_here a very deep sigh_) I am about to make.

LADY F. Continue, I beg!

ARTH. Oh, madam, dear madam, dearest madam, if you only knew _all!_

LADY F. Hall? A gentleman of your acquaintance?

ARTH. I didn't say _Hall,_ madam! Let me observe, Lady Fritterly, that this is no subject for levity.

LADY F. No one would imagine it was, from your countenance, Mr. Vallance. Its solemnity is positively, painfully ludicrous!

SIR F. (_listening_). Why the deuce don't he open his batteries?

ARTH. (_seeing SIR FELIX, who is making energetic signs to him to proceed with his love-making. Aside_). Well, since he will insist upon it, here goes! (_Aloud, and in an ultra impassioned tone._) Loveliest of women!--pardon the apparent insanity of the remark--I love you! adore you! in fact, I rather like you! Behold me at your feet! (_flopping down on one knee. Here SIR F. reaches over and tickles COSEY with the feather brush, who starts up and shows his head above the back of couch; then, seeing he is not alone, withdraws his head again out of sight_).

LADY F. (_with pretended emotion_). Love me, Mr. Vallance? (_Aside._) So this is the "little game," is it? (_Aloud._) Well, is that all?

ARTH. All? (_Aside_). And pretty well too, I think; what the deuce _would_ she have? (_Aloud, and very enthusiastically._) No, madam, it is _not_ all! I've only just begun! Oh, could you but know the conflicting emotions, the agony, the despair-- (_counting on his fingers. Aside._) I forgot the rest! (_Aloud._) Say, say that you love me in return! (_seizing her hand_).

LADY F. (_with pretended emotion_). Oh, Mr. Vallance, you're too vehement; release my hand!

ARTH. (_aside_). Release her hand! Come, I like that! I wish she'd let go of _mine_ (_trying to disengage his hand, then catching another glimpse of SIR F., who by signs encourages him to proceed. Aloud_). Release this hand? Not till I've finished! Loved one! let us fly; horses are waiting--flashing express--distant clime--Seringapatam--Madagascar--the Sandwich Islands--anywhere.

LADY F. (_with pretended emotion and an affecting faintness_). A sudden faintness (_leaning against VALLANCE_); oh, support me!

SIR F. (_looking out_). Holloa! holloa!

LADY F. (_looking up in ARTHUR'S face, and with mock sentimentality_). Oh! Arthur, Arthur!

SIR F. (_behind_). Damn it, she calls him Arthur!

ARTH. (_aside_). I've been getting on _too_ fast!

LADY F. (_pathetically to VALLANCE_). Spare my blushes; I guess all you would say.

ARTH. (_aside_). Do you? That's lucky, for _I'm_ regularly stumped.

LADY F. (_suddenly grasping VALLANCE by the wrist and dragging him forward, almost upsetting him_). Listen! my husband is not unkind, though he might be kinder; he is not ill-looking, indeed, he _might_ be uglier; _but_ he has one terrible defect. (_SIR F. here leans forward and listens._) He really flatters himself that he possesses a fund of wit; that he is literally running over with fun; whereas the poor man really doesn't possess a single particle of either. It's very sad, isn't it?

ARTH. Melancholy in the extreme.

LADY F. And I'm sure, as for humor--

ARTH. He's just about as much in him as an old cab horse! (_FELIX shakes his fist at VALLANCE._)

LADY F. But alas! for every one of his dismal jokes that _you_ hear _I_ am doomed to listen to a hundred! Is it to be wondered at, then, that I should pant, _crave_ for a change?--(_gradually getting more excited_)--that I should find the temptation you offer me too great to resist?

ARTH. (_aghast_). Eh! what? You don't mean to say you consent?

LADY F. Of course I do! (_with enthusiasm_). What woman _could_ resist the Sandwich Islands, and _you_ for a companion! In five minutes expect me here on this spot. Give me but time to pack up my jewels, a dozen or two dresses, and a sprinkling of hats, and I'll be with you, my Arthur! (_Going--stops._) You won't mind my bringing my favorite little pug-dog, of course you won't--(_going--stops again_)--and a couple of kittens--a thousand thanks--and you won't object to putting the parrot cage under your arm? I thought not.

[_Runs hastily out at L. H._

(_During the above scene COSEY occasionally shows his head above the back of the couch and withdraws it again._)

ARTH. A parrot cage under my arm all the way to the Sandwich Islands! (_Shouting after LADY F._) Stop! madam, Lady Fritterly, don't hurry yourself; take your own time--one hour, two hours, six weeks, any time you like. Wheugh! here's a pretty state of affairs; catch me running off with another man's couple of kittens--I mean wives--no, _wife_ again! (_thrusting both hands into his trousers-pockets and walking violently to and fro, then flings himself into a chair at L. SIR FELIX hurries down and drops into a chair at R. COLONEL rolls off the end of couch enveloped in antimacassars, and seats himself in chair at C. All pull out their white pocket-handkerchiefs, and indulge in extravagant business, etc._).

ARTH. (_not seeing them_). Poor Sir Felix!--a pretty kettle of fish _he's_ made of it! I've been too fascinating!

SIR F. (_coming hurriedly down_). Don't talk nonsense, sir! But of course this is all a joke! Why don't you say it's all a joke?

ARTH. It's anything but a joke for _me!_--all the way to the Sandwich Isles with a parrot cage under my arm!--how would you like it?

SIR F. Pshaw! you carried the thing too far, sir!--a devilish deal too far!

ARTH. Come, I like that! I only did what you told me!--except that I didn't tear my hair out by handfuls!

COL. (_counting his pulse_). A hundred and twenty at the very least! (_tossing a couple of pills into his mouth--then to VALLANCE_). Now, sir, what do you mean by making love to Lady Fritterly, and proposing an elopement to her? It's scandalous, sir!

ARTH. Not the slightest doubt about it, uncle! but I only did it to oblige Sir Felix!

COL. _Oblige_ Sir Felix by running off with his wife?

ARTH. Yes! in order to show you what a _desperate_ dog I had become, so that you might put me out of the way of temptation by consenting to my marriage with Myrtle! But now--(_with a deep sigh_)--that's all knocked on the head!

SIR F. How so?

ARTH. Because, my dear fellow, your wife having accepted, I am bound, as a man of honor, to run away with her!

COL. (_turning to SIR F._). Of course, as a man of honor, we're bound to run away with her!

ARTH. A lady--(_here COLONEL turns to him_)--for whom I entertain the highest respect!

COL. (_turning to SIR F._). A lady for whom we entertain the highest respect!

ARTH. But--(_here COLONEL turns again to him_)--for whom I don't care two pins!

COL. (_turning to SIR F._). But for whom we don't care two pins!

SIR F. (_fiercely to COLONEL_). You needn't be insulting by associating Lady Fritterly with that paltry amount of haberdashery!

COL. (_feeling his pulse_). I shall be in a raging fever presently! (_two more pills_). What's to be done? (_To VALLANCE._) Recollect you've got to ascertain when the next train starts for the Sandwich Islands!

ARTH. Hang it, Sir Felix! can't you suggest something? I look to you, with your extravagant devices, to extricate me!

COL. (_to SIR F._). Yes, sir! We insist on your extricating us from your extravagant devices!

SIR F. Well, I confess I've made a slight mistake this time, but all isn't lost. Lady Fritterly will be here directly, when I flatter myself she'll hear something to _her_ advantage--(_looking off at C._) Here comes Myrtle!--couldn't be better! Now then, hide yourselves--both of you!

ARTH. Certainly not!

COL. Certainly not!

ARTH. Another of your infernal schemes! If this fails, I really _shall_ do something desperate! (_During this SIR FELIX has been edging him up towards curtains, and at last pushes him behind them at R._)

COL. (_in a helpless tone_). My system won't survive this sort of thing! I'm sure it won't.

SIR F. (_hurrying down_). Now, colonel, on to your couch before Myrtle sees you! (_edging him up towards couch_).

COL. (_resisting_). But I don't want to go to sleep! I'm thoroughly wide-awake.

SIR F. Nonsense! (_forces COLONEL on couch, and heaping pillows over him_).

COL. (_showing his head_). Tuck me up if you like, but, confound it, don't smother me! (_keeps rising, SIR FELIX pushing him down again at each attempt_).

ARTH. (_putting his head out from curtain_). Sir Felix!

COL. (_showing his head above couch_). Sir Felix! (_SIR F. seizes the nearest pillow and throws it at COLONEL'S head_).

SIR F. Silence! both of you!

_Enter MYRTLE at door L. H._

MYRT. (_laughing aside as she enters_). Ha! ha! poor Sir Felix! Grace has told me all, and I am to humor the joke, while she watches the result from the conservatory!

(_During the following, until LADY F.'S entrance, the COLONEL shows his head occasionally above the back of the couch, but withdraws it again at a sign from SIR FELIX._)

SIR F. (_aside_). Now for it--(_coming down--takes MYRTLE'S hand, and in an exaggerated tone of grief_). Myrtle! Myrtle! in me you behold a broken-hearted husband!

MYRT. (_aside_). Very well acted, indeed! (_Aloud, and in a pretended tone of commiseration_). Broken-hearted?

SIR F. When I say "broken-hearted," I don't wish you to infer that the centre of my organic functions is snapped in half like a stick of firewood--far from it, Myrtle. But I'm broken-hearted for all that!

MYRT. Absurd! while you have Grace and me to console you!

SIR F. Grace no longer. She has deserted me, and for young Vallance! (_falling into chair and burying his face in his hands_).

_Here LADY F. appears at C., listening._

SIR F. (_peeping out at the corner of his handkerchief, and seeing her. Aside_). She's there! (_Aloud._) Yes, Myrtle, I'm a wretched, abandoned man!

MYRT. You can't be serious?

SIR F. It's too true!

MYRT. What--what do you intend doing?

SIR F. I did think of shooting the young man!--but it'll be a far greater punishment to let him live! Think what the poor, unhappy youth will have to suffer from Grace's "little bits of temper!" poor devil! I know what _I_ had to go through. (_LADY F. shakes her hand at SIR F._)

MYRT. But surely you will try and prevent Grace's departure?

SIR F. (_indifferently_). I think not!--better as it is. I'm getting used to the idea! I confess it was I who advised Vallance to make just a certain little amount of love to my wife in order to excite your jealousy and show you what energy the young man was capable of; but I must confess I was not at all prepared for the perfect torrent of impassioned eloquence with which he poured forth his _unhallowed_ flame! (_Here VALLANCE shakes both his fists at SIR F._)

SIR F. Besides, Myrtle, _dear_ Myrtle, as you very sensibly observed just now, shall I not have _you_ to console me? (_with an exaggerated tender look_).

MYRT. (_alarmed_). Me?

SIR F. Why not? Your lover doesn't care a pin's point about you, or he wouldn't have agreed to my plan. My wife has about the same amount of affection for _me,_ or she'd have withered him up with her scorn at the first go-off. This sort of thing! (_putting on a haughty and scornful look_).

MYRT. Well, what then?

SIR F. Can you ask? Oh, my Myrtle! my beloved Myrtle--behold me at your feet! (_falling on both his knees and seizing her hand. Aside._) If Grace stands this, I'm a New Zealander!

MYRT. Monster! (_flinging SIR FELIX from her, who falls on his face. LADY FRITTERLY and VALLANCE hurry down_).

LADY F. So, Sir Felix Fritterly!

ARTH. So, Sir Felix Fritterly!

SIR F. (_getting up quietly and dusting his knees with his pocket-handkerchief. Then suddenly bursting out into a loud laugh_). Ha, ha, ha! Surely, my dear Grace, you didn't really think I was in earnest?

LADY F. (_smiling_). As much in earnest, probably, as you thought me. (_SIR FELIX takes her hand and kisses it._)

ARTH. (_joyously to LADY F._). Then you don't love me after all? You won't insist on my accompanying you to the Sandwich Islands?

LADY F. (_drawing herself up_). Mr. Vallance! (_To SIR FELIX._) Well, I confess you have the best of the game.

SIR F. _And_ the last laugh!

ARTH. Myrtle, have I fulfilled your conditions? have I shown some little amount of energy?

MYRT. Yes, with a vengeance!

ARTH. And may I hope--

SIR F. Have him now, Myrtle, while you can get him!

LADY F. Keep her to her promise, Mr. Vallance!

ARTH. Gladly! But it all depends on my uncle how soon!

SIR F. Then he shall decide at once! Turn out, old tortoise! (_Wheels couch round to face the audience, and pulling off the antimacassars, etc._) Hang me if he isn't fast asleep! Wake up! (_tickling COLONEL with the feather brush_).

COL. All right! Bring me my shaving-water! (_Sitting up, and looking about him._) Holloa!

ARTH. Have you forgotten all about the elopement, uncle?

COL. Elopement! Why, you ought to have been half way to the Sandwich Islands by this time!

ARTH. Ha! ha! We've arranged that little matter differently.

COL. (_crustily_). Then what the deuce did you wake me up for?

SIR F. To let you go off to sleep again in a more comfortable frame of mind.

LADY F. Come, colonel! Arthur's desperately in love with Myrtle.

SIR F. And Myrtle's over head and ears in love with--

MYRT. (_interrupting him_). Felix!

SIR F. With herself! They only wait your benediction.

COL. Bother the benediction! I'll settle a thousand a year on them!

SIR F. (_shaking his hand_). The most sensible thing you've said for a long time; and now you may go to sleep again as soon as you like.

COL. Thank you! (_Feeling his pulse._) Ninety! That's better!

SIR F. But a word at parting here! (_To audience._) How account for our eccentric behavior? Shall we boldly forestall the critics and say at once--

MYRT. Quite foreign in sentiment--

ARTH. Obviously borrowed from our lively neighbors--

COL. (_sententiously_). Possessing all their levity with regard to those domestic ties--

LADY F. (_putting her hand over his mouth_). In short--Taken from the French!

CURTAIN FALLS.

DECLINED--WITH THANKS.

_Original Farce, in One Act._

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.

MR. GRITTY.

CAPTAIN TAUNTON.

EDWARD MALLINGFORD.

MR. SAMUEL SKRUFF.

SPRONKS'S BOY.

FLORENCE HALLIDAY, } } (GRITTY'S nieces.) HETTY HALLIDAY. }

SALLY, a servant.

SCENE.--_Exterior of a villa on the banks of the Thames at Teddington--house partly seen at L. H.--a low green railing round it, in C. of which is a small garden gate--rustic seats, flower-beds, etc., scattered about stage--garden wall at R. H.--door in C.--large portable bell hanging over it--bell heard and seen to ring--noise of voices in dispute heard outside._

SKRUFF (_without_). Don't tell me! I saw you do it! You needn't apologize! What do you say--"You ain't a-going to?" Very well! (_another violent ring at bell_).

_Enter SALLY from house and crossing to R._

SALLY. Who can it be ringing in that style, I wonder? (_opens door in C. of wall_).

_SKRUFF enters hurriedly, holding his handkerchief to his face; he wears a white hat, red scarf, white waistcoat, cutaway coat, and very gay trousers; carries an umbrella._

SKRUFF (_walking up and down_). The young vagabond deliberately put his toe on a loose stone and squirted half a pint of muddy water into my eye! I saw him do it. He must be an old hand at it too, or he wouldn't have taken such a good aim; but, luckily, I spied his name on his basket, and if I don't spoil his trade for potatoes in this establishment my name's not Skruff! (_Takes out a note-book and writes in it "Spronks."_) There! and now, Spronks, my boy, look out for squalls! Some people may like being insulted with impunity--I don't.

SALLY (_who has been following SKRUFF to and fro the stage, at last stops him by the coat-tail_). Now, then! what's your business, young man?

SKRUFF. "Young man!"

SALLY. If you've come for the water-rate--or the gas--or the sewers--you must call again!

SKRUFF. Water-rate! Gas! Are you aware, young woman, that you're addressing a gentleman?

SALLY. You don't mean it? Well, that's about the last thing I should have thought of! It only shows one mustn't always judge by appearances.

SKRUFF (_with importance_). I happen to be a friend of your master's.

SALLY. Well, I _am_ surprised--'cause master's so very particular--then how came you to ring the servants' bell?

SKRUFF (_aside_). I never _shall_ get out of that habit--been used to it so long, I suppose. (_Aloud._) Is Mr. Gritty down?

SALLY. Can't say, I'm sure, sir--but I know he ain't up.

SKRUFF. Oh! at what time does he usually get up?

SALLY. Well, sir, that depends; but, as a rule, I've observed he usually gets up about his usual time.

SKRUFF. Does he indeed? (_Aside._) There's a flippancy about this young woman I don't like. (_Aloud._) Perhaps the young ladies, Mr. Gritty's nieces, are down?

SALLY. Can't say positively, sir--but I know they ain't up.

SKRUFF (_aside_). I shall not interrogate this domestic any further. (_Aloud._) Will you inform Mr. Gritty, with my compliments, that I have called to see him?

SALLY. Certainly, sir--but--

SKRUFF (_impressively_). I repeat, Will you inform Mr. Gritty that I have called? Do you think you can manage that?

SALLY. Well, sir, don't you think it would be as well just to mention the name? Do you think you can manage that? Shall I take your card, sir?

SKRUFF. Yes! (_taking out card-case_). No! (_Aside._) Cards cost a shilling a hundred. Why should I waste one on people I've hardly ever seen. (_Aloud._) You can say--"Mr. Samuel Skruff." Do you think you can remember that?

SALLY. "Skruff!" Not likely to forget it, sir--such an aristocratic name. (_Bringing forward a three-legged rustic seat._) Like to sit down, sir?

GRITTY (_heard from house at L._). Sally! My shaving water!--hot! all hot!

SALLY. Coming, sir!

[_Runs into house L._

SKRUFF. Her name's Sally, is it? (_writing in note-book_). Down goes Sally along-side of Spronks. (_Seats himself and almost tumbles over._) What the deuce does old Gritty mean by having such rickety things as this about the premises?--to do a good turn to the wooden-leg makers, I suppose! (_Sitting down very cautiously._) Now let me see what I've come down here for (_consults note-book_). Here we have it! (_Reads._) "Florence Halliday," "Hetty Halliday"--old Gritty's two nieces. The fact is, dad wants to see me settled; that is, if I can make a good thing out of it! Well, he's just heard on the extreme quiet that one of the young ladies is very soon coming in for £10,000!--unluckily he doesn't know which of the two--so, on the strength of a former business acquaintance with old Gritty, he has trotted me down here to ferret the secret out, and if I get hold of the right scent I am to go the entire animal at once!--not likely I should waste any time about courtship and all that sort of thing. Not I! Only let me worm out which of the two has got the tin, and I'll marry her to-morrow morning!--I can't say fairer than that! (_Looking about him._) Rather a niceish sort of place this! must have cost something! I hope old Gritty can afford it. Father says he was always fond of squandering his money and doing good. Doing good!--what is it, after all?--getting up a vainglorious reputation at the expense of people who stick to their money!

GRITTY (_without, at L._). In the garden, is he? All right! I'll find him!

_Enter GRITTY from villa L. H._

GRITTY. Where is he? (_he is in his morning-gown, and wears a wide-brimmed straw hat--sees SKRUFF_). Ah! my dear Samuel--(_seizing and shaking SKRUFF'S hand violently_)--delighted to see you, Samuel--for I suppose you are Samuel--eh, Samuel? And how's your father, Samuel?

SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. And your mother, too, Samuel?

SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. And your sisters--and your uncles--and your aunts--and all the rest of 'em--eh, Samuel?

SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. Bless me, what a time it is since I've seen any of you--and to think that your father and I were partners when you were a baby--and a precious ugly little brat you were! I don't see much alteration in you _now,_ Samuel--I mean, not for the better. Yes, "Gritty & Skruff," that was the name of the firm--"tailors"--"Conduit Street"--and a capital business it was, too--and is so still, I hope.

SKRUFF. Yes; better than ever. Father's made heaps more money since you retired! Trade's altered completely!

GRITTY. Has it? When I was in it we gave a first-rate article, paid good wages, and were satisfied with a fair profit.

SKRUFF. We manage matters better than that _now!_

GRITTY. How so?

SKRUFF. By adding the profit on to both ends. Putting down the wages and putting up the prices.

GRITTY. Well, well, every one to his taste! Your father chose London smoke and slaving on to amass a fortune. _I_ preferred fresh air and a moderate competence, and so we parted. You'll stay and dine with us to-day, of course?

SKRUFF. Thank you, Mr. Gritty. (_Aside_). I put a paper of sandwiches in my pocket. Never mind, they'll keep a day or two.

GRITTY. And after dinner you can tell me to what I'm indebted for the pleasure of this visit. (_Suddenly_). By-the-bye, you'll have a glass of wine? Of course you will! (_Calling._) Sally! bring in that decanter of port out of the sideboard!

SKRUFF (_aside_). What extravagance!

GRITTY. Ha! ha! I remember I never could get your father to drink anything stronger than raspberry vinegar drowned in water--and what a wretched looking object he was!--the color of gingerbread and as thin as a pair of nut-crackers! Do you know, Samuel, the more I look at you the more you remind me of him?

_Enter SALLY from house with decanter and wine-glasses on a tray, which she places on a small table in C.--GRITTY sits L. and SKRUFF R. Exit SALLY into house._

GRITTY (_pouring out a glass of wine_). There, Samuel--tell me what you think of that (_SKRUFF sips the wine_). Zounds, man, it won't hurt you, down with it! (_SKRUFF takes down the wine at a gulp, almost choking himself._)

GRITTY (_after tossing off his glass of wine_). How the deuce is it that my old friend Skruff hasn't found his way down to see me all these years?