Chapter 35

Books teach and please him when a child, In youth and in his prime; Books give him soothing pleasure when His health and strength decline.

141.

Books teach, from their beginning, of Higher beings than man; That One Almighty Goodness was Before the world began.

142.

Books give us hope beyond the grave, Of an immortal life; Books teach that right, and truth, and love, Shall banish every strife.

143.

Books therefore are, of all we own, The choicest things on earth; Books have, of all our worldly goods, The most intrinsic worth.

144.

Books are the greatest blessing brought, The grandest thing we sell; Books bring more joy, Books do more good, Than mortal tongue can tell.

[Page 191--Comic Advertiser]

Cole's Comic Advertiser (Or Fun Doctor's Assistant)

Laughter as a Medicine.

"The physician tells us of the physical benefits of laughing. There is not the remotest corner or little inlet of the minute blood-vessels of the human body that does not feel some wavelet from the convulsion occasioned by good hearty laughter. The life principle, or the central man, is shaken to the innermost depths, sending new tided of life and strength to the surface, thus materially tending to insure good health to persons who indulge therein. The blood moves more rapidly, and conveys a different impression to all the organs of the body, as it visits them on that particular mystic journey when the man is laughing, from what it does at other times. For this reason every good, hearty laugh in which a person indulges lengthens his life, conveying as it does a new and distinct stimulus to the vital forces."

"Fun is worth more than physic, and whoever invents or discovers a new supply deserves the name of public benefactor."

Man Made to Laugh, not to Morn.

Man warnt made tew mourn, man waz made tew laff. He iz the onla creeter or thing that God made tew laff out loud. It iz true he knows how to mourn, do duz animills know how, the birds kan tell their sorrows, and the flowers kan hang their pretty heds. Man was made tew smile, tew laff, to haw! tew throw up his hat, and sing halleluger. Man was made tew praze God, and he can't dew it by mourning. Awl the mourning there iz in this wurld was introduced bi man; man warnt made tew mourn any more than he was made to crawl. Tharfore i sa tew awl men and women, stop crying and go tew laffing, you will last longer, and git fatter, and stand just as good a chanse tew git tew heaven with a smile on your countenance as yu will with yure face leaking at every pore.--_Josh Billings_

Josh Billing's Prayer.

"From a wife who don't luv us, from fluky mutton, and tite butes, and from folks who won't laff, good Lord deliver us."

[Page 192--Comic Advertiser]

Testimonials to the astonishing Curing Power of Cole's Fun Doctor.

Most Astonishing Cure of the Age

Dear Sir--Many years ago it was my misfortune to be jilted in love by a cruel-hearted woman. I pined away, and fell into a bad state of health, and was advised by my friends to take some physic. I never took a single dose except somebody told me that it was exactly what I wanted to make me well--but it all did me no good. I only got worse until I came across the right thing, which I will presently describe. I find, in looking over my paid bills, the following are the kinds and quantities of physic I have used during my illness:-- Holloway's Pills, 227 boxes; Cockle's Pills, 121 boxes, Beecham's Pills, 80 boxes; Parr's Life Pills, 76 boxes, Blue Pills, 849 boxes. One friend advised me to give up Pills and take some good old-fashioned physic. I took of Jalap, 37 pounds; Caster Oil; 180 bottles, Salts and Senna, 800 doses; Rhubarb and Magnesia, 300 doses; Brimstone and Treacle, 800 doses--but this did me no good. Another friend advised me to take some world-fames patent medicines, so I took of Eno's Fruit Salt 190 bottles, Warner's Safe Cure, 200 bottles; Townsend's Sarsaparilla, 120 bottles; Hop Bitters, 180 bottles; Dandelion Ale, two hogsheads. I took Hayter's Nerve Tonic, Hayter's Blood purifier, Hayter's Invigorator, and Hayter's Pick-Me-Up, of each 100 bottles; and Wolfe's Schnapps, 630 bottles-- but I felt no better. Another friend came along, and said for my complaint it was no use taking medicines internally, and I must use the "Rub On Remedies," so I rubbed on Holloway's Ointment, 241 boxes; Davis's Pain Killer, 70 bottles; Moulton's Pain Paint, 60 bottles; St. Jacob's oil, Weston's Wizard Oil, and Croton Oil, of each 100 bottles: and of Eucalyptus Oil, 900 quart bottles--but I felt no better. Another friend advised the Herb Cure, so I took strong decoctions of Chamomile, Pennyroyal, Peppermint, Rue, Tansy, Quassia, Horehound, Wormwood, Aconite, Belladonna, Hemlock, Nux Vomica, Lungwort, Liverwort, Moonwort, Sneezewort, and Snakeweed--altogether I took about 1700 quarts of these horrid decoctions--but I felt no better. Another friend told me my stomach was out of order, and required cleansing, so I took of Ipecacuanha Wine 139 quarts--but this did not cure me. Another friend said all diseases come from insects, and I had insects in me, and must take special medicine for them, so I took of Keating's insecticide 730 packets--but got no better. Another friend advised me to try Homoeopathy. I took 111 tubes of pilules and 80 bottles of tinctures--but they did me no good. Another friend advised me to try the water cure. I took cold baths, warm baths, tepid baths, and Turkish baths in hundreds, and drank about twenty hogsheads of mineral waters--but it did me no good. Another friend advised the Acid Cure, so I took Acetic Acid, Muriatic Acid, Nitric Acid, Sulphuric Acid, Oxalic Acid, and Prussic Acid, of each about twenty quarts--but got no better. Another friend advised Soothing Medicines, so I took over 400 of Steedman's Soothing powders, and 130 bottles of Mother Winslow's Soothing Syrup--but I was still irritable and nervous. My last course of medicine consisted of Steel Drops, Balm of Gilead, Turpentine, Chloroform, Cod Liver Oil, Assafoetida, Spanish Flies, and Cayenne Pepper--about fifteen pounds of each--but it all did me no good. I simply got worse and worse, and was reduced to a mere shadow of skin and bone, but, as luck would have it, another friend came along--a true friend this time--and suggested Cole's FUN DOCTOR. I got it, and was well and stout in a Week, at a cost of 1s 6d.

Sworn at Temple Court, and Signed in Everlasting Gratitude, Government House, Melbourne JOHN SMITH

[Page 193--Comic Advertiser]

A man on a train was heard to groan so frightfully that the passengers took pity on him, and one of them gave him a drink out of a whisky flask. "Do you feel better?" asked the giver. "I do," said he who had groaned. "What ailed you anyway?" "Ailed me?" "Yes; what made you groan so?" "Groan! Great Land o'Goshen! I was singing!" The generous man will never quite cease to regret the loss of that drink of whisky.

Cole's Book Arcade. Cole's Book Arcade, it is in Melbourne town, Of all the book stores in this land, it has the most renown.

TUNE: All the Tunes there are mixed.

[Page 194--Comic Advertiser]

Going To Cole's Book Arcade, Melbourne

All the way from Persia on this bicycle.

Why are these two nice children like thousands of knowledge-loving individuals? Because they frequently visit Cole's Book Arcade.

Guess where this young gentleman is going? To Cole's book arcade. Right. You're a Witch.

[Page 195--Comic Advertiser]

[Page 196--Wonderful Sea Serpent]

The Sea-Serpent as a Carrier

The world-renowned sea-serpent has been specially chartered to bring a fresh supply of books every week from England to Cole's Book Arcade, Melbourne; and also to show upon the coils of his body 2000 rainbows, being so many copies of that establishment. The sea-serpent, upon being communicated with, demanded a heavy price for his services, but Mr. Cole agreed to his terms, as he considered that 2000 of his rainbow signs travelling round the world on the sides of the famous sea-serpent would be a good advertisement for the Book Arcade.

True History of the Great Sea Serpent

John Smith, the sea-serpent, was born in a swamp near Sydney, about 5000 years ago. He was hatched by a female Bunyip from an immense three cornered egg, which is supposed to have fallen out of the moon, and he is the only sea-serpent that ever existed. He never had relations, and is the only being in the world of whom the verse is true. He never had a father. He never had a mother. He never had a sister. He never had a brother. He also never had a wife. He is of a very shy disposition, and many fascinating mermaids have made love to him, and practiced all their well-known wiles upon him--but in vain: he is a bachelor still. Like some other animals mentioned in history, he thinks and talks like a man. He is exceedingly intelligent, and seems to have as much sense as 20,000 ordinary men or 21,000 women. He can sing with a voice of tremendous compass, from the sweet piping of a nightingale down to far below the deepest tones of the largest organ, or the noise made by discharges of artillery. Sometimes when he sings it shakes the ground for miles around, and if at sea causes a storm. His favourite songs are "A Life on the Ocean Wave," "What are the Wild Waves Saying," "Down by the Deep Sad Sea," and such like. He plays all the musical instruments in the world. His whistle can be heard a distance of 100 miles, his shout 50 miles, and his whisper 10 miles. Of course, in an active life of 5000 years, a life almost as long as some Hindoo patriarchs, he has seen and heard, and done, many astonishing things. He relates that he once rescued a travelling menagerie at sea, he swallowed the whole lot of animals, and the woman in charge of them, let them roam about inside of him and enjoy themselves, and then landed them safely on dry land at the end of 48 hours. He says that he was in Arabia, and saw that remarkable occurrence of the moon coming down and going into Mahomet's sleeves, and there and then he objected to the whole proceeding. The sea-serpent is 15 miles long and 50 feet in diameter, his skin is of a horny nature, but harder than steel, and about 5 feet thick. He travels at the rate of 200 miles per hour, and can carry 120 times as much as the "Great Eastern." If he was coming up to the Queen's Wharf, Melbourne, when his head was at the wharf, his body would reach right down the River Yarra out in the Bay past Williamstown, and the Traffic would have to be stopped in the river whilst he was unloading. The sea-serpent is rather a large eater. Since he reached full growth, namely, for the last 4000 years, he has swallowed a whole whale every morning for breakfast except once. The reason of his going without his breakfast that once is explained in the following manner:--

The reader will remember the account of Jonah and the Whale in the Talmud. It states that when Jonah was in the whale's belly, it went out of the Mediterranean right around Africa into the Red Sea, and that Jonah looked out through the eyes of the whale and saw the place where the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea. The sea-serpent states that he can corroborate this piece of history, as he happened to be after that very whale for breakfast when he saw Jonah looking out through its eyes. He says he did not swallow that whale, as he had found that the whales which he had previously swallowed with prophets inside of them did not agree with him, and consequently he had to go that morning without his breakfast, the first time in 4000 years. Those who want any further information about the famous sea-serpent can acquire it at Cole's Book Arcade, Melbourne, or come and interview and question the sea-serpent himself when he arrives.

P.S.--Some people don't believe in the existence of the sea-serpent, but if he did not exist how could we have got his likeness and his history? That's a question for the unbelievers to answer.

[Page 197--Funny and Foolish Dress Land]

A Servant Girl dressed in four absurdities of fashion--a Tight Corset, Tight High-heeled Boots, a Bustle Improver, and Fifteen-button Gloves.

She appears very conceited, but with her tight-lacing must feel very uncomfortable and unwell, and wall sensible people must feel that she is very silly, and with her absurd boots her feet must pain her almost as much as the Chinese woman's shown above [right] pained her when first compressed.

European Woman with her Waist Fashionably Tightened to 15 inches. Chinese Woman with her Feet Fashionably Compressed to 3 inches. Long-Nailed Fashion of an Annamese Noble, and a Marquesian Chief. Chinese Ladies' Fashionable Pinched Feet and Shoes, shewing also deplorable foolishness in China.

Old English Fashions, showing our ancestors were as foolish as we are.

Costume of an Ancient Greek Youth, very easy, elegant and suitable for a Lady's Reform Dress. This is a much more sensible dress than the one opposite it [servant girl] and the two below it--look at them.

Crinoline, 1859. The Dog has got through all right, but how will the lady manage.

Crinoline, 1859. Coach licensed to carry four. The coachman and the horse are both wondering how it can be done.

[Page 198--Funny and Foolish Dress Land]

[Page 199--Funny, Foolish, and Useful Fashions]

A British Lady and the Chinese Ambassador's Wife and Daughter at the Queen's First Drawing Room, Buckingham Palace, 1893.

The Chinese ladies are dressed more rationally, but the have such fashionably small feet that they have to lean against the table to enable them to stand with safety. The European lady and the Asiatic ladies are each alike martyrs to foolish fashion, one with the waist and the other with the feet.

"Mother, do put on a shawl, please, before you go down." "Why, Sonnie?" "Oh, because some one's is sure to see you if you go down like that!"

[Page 200--Useful Fashions]

[Page 201--Funny, Foolish, and Useful Fashions]

Ashamed to show his face. A few frivolous fops and other foolish men still wear corsets.

[Page 202--Boy Smoking]

Boy's First Smoke. Enjoying the Tobacco Poison.

Shortly Afterwards. Suffering from the Tobacco Poison.

Twin Brothers.

Brother who Smoked, thereby destroying his Vital Organs, his Good Looks, and Stunting his Body. Brother who Didn't Smoke, and therefore grew Good-Looking, Big, Healthy and Strong.

Multitudes of Employers, both in England and America, will not employ Boy Smokers, and publicly announce the same.

[From the "Social Gazette," also from the "Australian War Cry."]

The following statements show some of the large establishments that are closed against cigarette smokers in America:--

"Swift & Co. (Packing House, Chicago), and other Chicago business houses, employing hundreds of boys, have issued this announcement, or similar ones--_So impressed with the danger of Cigarette using that we do not employ a Cigarette user._ Marshall Field, the Mammoth Universal Provider, gave similar notice.

[Page 203--Smoking Land]

Montgomery, Ward and Co., the universal providers, say, "We will not employ cigarette users."

"Morgan and Wright Tyre company, large employers, announce, "No cigarettes can be smoked by our employees."

"At John Wanamakers.--The application blank to be filled out by boys applying for a position reads: 'Do you use tobacco or cigarettes?' A negative answer is expected, and is favourable to their acceptance as employes."

"Heath and Milligan, Chicago, bar cigarette users."

"Carson, Pirie and Scott, Chicago, bar cigarette smokers as employes."

Ayer's Sarsparilla Company, Lovell, employs hundreds of boys. --"March 1, 1902--Believing that the smoking of cigarettes is injurious to both mind and body, thereby unfitting young men for their best work--therefore after this date we will not employ any young man under twenty-one years of age who smokes cigarettes."

"I've got a boy for you, sir." Glad of it; who is he?" asked the master workman of a large establishment. The man told the boy's name and where he lived. "Don't want him," said the master workman, "he has got a bad mark." "A bad mark, sir; what?" "I meet him every day with a cigar in his mouth; I don't want smokers!"

"The Lehigh Valley Railroad bars cigarette smokers."

"The Chicago, Rock Island, and Pacific Railroad bars cigarette smoking."

"The New York, New Haven, and Hartford Railroad bars employes who smoke cigarettes."

"The Central Railroad, Georgia, forbids cigarette smoking."

"The Union Pacific Railroad forbids cigarette smoking."

The following is a public notice: "The Western Union Telegraph Company will discharge from their messenger service boys who persist in smoking cigarettes."

A Telephone Company.--Order: "You are directed to serve notice that the use of cigarettes after August 1 will be prohibited; and you are further instructed to, in the future, refuse to employ anyone who is addicted to the habit."--Leland Hume, Assistant General Manager of the Cumberland Telephone and Telegraph Company.

"In the United States Weather Bureau.--'Chief of United States Weather Bureau, Willis M. Moore, has placed the ban on cigarettes in this department of Government service'."

Smoking Does Some Good, but More Evil

Smoking soothes and comforts millions of the worried and the weary, and brings much pleasure to the habitual smoker, but it always more or less injures the health of the smoker and sometimes kills him. The vast majority of the medical fraternity condemn smoking, especially by the young.

Smoking injures multitudes of boys in many respects. Smoking often leads to boys into bad company. Smoking often makes them precocious, undutiful, impudent and callous. Smoking often ruins the health. Smoking generally stunts their growth. Smoking generally sallows their complexion. Smoking often leads them to lying. Smoking often leads them to stealing. Smoking often leads them to drinking. Smoking degenerates the boy physically, mentally, and morally. Smokers cannot excel in athletic sports, such as boating, cricket, cycling. Smokers are always at the bottom of the class in school and college, and backward at all kinds of study. Excessive smoking causes mental and physical laziness in boys and men.

The following organs, fluids, functions, etc., of the body, especially of the young, are frequently more or less affected by the use of tobacco:--The blood, the heart, the nerves, the brain, the liver, the lungs, the stomach, the throat, the saliva, the taste, the voice, the eyes, the ears, the nose, the mouth, the tongue, the palate, the pancreas, the lips, the teeth, the bones, the skin.

Medical men and observing experts affirm many diseases are caused or accelerated by the use of tobacco, among which are the following:-- Heart disease, consumption, cancer, ulceration, asthma, bronchitis, neuralgia, paralysis, palsy, apoplexy, indigestion, dysentery, diarrhoea, constipation, sleeplessness, melancholia, delirium tremens, insanity.

Smoking frequently leads to prolonged suffering. Smoking often destroys the appetite. Smoking sometimes weakens the will power. Smoking sometimes leads to loss of memory. Smoking often leads to despondency. Smoking sometimes leads to suicide. Smoking frequently leads to loss--loss by bad health and waste of valuable time--direct loss in money required for other purposes, and immense loss through reckless, thoughtless, or unfortunate smokers being the cause of partial or total destruction by fire of buildings, ships, factories, homesteads, crops, stores, and property of many kinds; also loss of life and property by explosions in mines, explosive factories, powder magazines, explosive stores, etc.

Tobacco using is an unclean habit, and offensive habit, an enslaving habit, often it is an intensely selfish habit. Tobacco fumes, especially in small and poorly-ventilated houses or rooms, injure or destroy the health of multitudes of wives, and injure the health of multitudes of infants and children. Tobacco using injures the unborn child by giving it a puny body and an imperfect start in life. Tobacco using is fast degenerating the race.

A third of the recruits for the Army are disqualified through smoking.

The following Governments have passes laws against juvenile smoking: Germany, Switzerland, Norway, Japan, Canada, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, British Columbia, the North West Territories, Cape Colony, New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Tasmania, and about 48 of the States and Territories out of 53; and so terrible and deplorable an effect has juvenile smoking upon the race that most other Governments are considering the advisability of passing laws against it.

The insidious influence of cigarette smoking by boys is shown in these examples of handwriting, taken from a London Country Council health report. The first was written by a boy when he was a victim of the habit; the second is the same boy's writing when he had given it up, ten months later.

[Page 204--Narcotics and Intoxicants]

Narcotics and Intoxicants