Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1
Chapter 25
Where are balls and routs supplied gratis? On the field of battle.
Why is an omnibus like a medical student? Because it is crammed and allowed to pass.
When has a person got as many heads as there are days in the year? On the 31st of December.
What word is shorter for having a syllable added to it? Short.
If I shoot at three birds on a tree, and kill one, how many will remain? None; they will all fly away.
What should you keep after you have given it to another? Your word.
Which would travel fastest--a man with one sack of flour on his back, or a man with two sacks? The man with two sacks, as they would be lighter than one sack of flour.
Did you ever see a bun dance on a table? I often see abundance on the table.
What does your ship weigh before she sets sail? She weighs anchor.
What is an old woman like who is in the midst of a river? Like to be drowned.
What is the difference between a school-master and an engine driver? One trains the mind, and the other minds the train.
Who was the first man who went round the world? The man in the moon.
Important Notice
Wanted known to all of the name of Crooks, that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books. Wanted known to all not of the name of Crooks, that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books. Wanted known to all of the name of Blair that they can get almost any book they want there. Wanted known to all not of the name of Blair that they can get almost any book they want there. Wanted known to all of the name of Fitzgerald, Cole's was the first Book Arcade opened in the World. Wanted known to all not of the name of Fitzgerald, Cole's is still the only Book Arcade in the World. Wanted all intelligent persons of the name of Hall, to give Cole's Unique Book Arcade an early call. Wanted all intelligent persons not of the name of Hall, to give Cole's Unique Book Arcade a very early call.
[Page 125--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles About Babies And Ladies
Why is a new-born baby like a gale of wind? Because it begins with a squall.
When is a baby not a baby? When it is a little duck.
Why is an infant like a diamond? Because it is a dear little thing.
When is a soldier like a baby? When he is in arms.
When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little Pats.
Why is a church-clock like a little boy often receiving a beating? Because it's hands move over it's face.
Why is a boy like a potato? Because they both wear jackets.
Why is the earth like a school black-board? Because the children of men multiply upon the face of it.
Why does a ladies' school, out for a walk, resemble the notes of a flute? Because it goes two, two, two, two (toot-oot-oot-oot).
What tree is a lady's name?--Olive.
When do young ladies eat a musical instrument? When they have a Piano-for-tea.
Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle? Because it holds a gall-on.
Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard? Because neither of them is satisfied with a moderate use of the glass.
Why is a flirt like a hollow India-rubber ball? Because she is very empty and has a deal of bounce.
What is the difference between a soldier and a fashionable young lady? One faces the powder and the other powders the face.
Why does an engine resemble a young lady? Because it has a train behind, and puffs in the air (hair).
If a bear were to go into a linen-draper's shop, what would he want? He would want muzzlin'.
What is the difference between a bantam cock, and a dirty housemaid? One is a domestic foul and the other a foul domestic.
What were the first words Adam said to Eve? Nobody knows.
How is it proved that woman was created before man? Because Eve was the first maid (made).
What Christian name is spelt the same way backwards and forwards? Hannah.
What is the difference between a person late for the train and a school-mistress? One misses the train and the other trains the misses.
What Miss is always making blunders? Mistake.
What Miss plays more tricks than a schoolboy? Mischief.
What miss occasions a great many quarrels? Mismanagement.
What is that which ladies look for, and never wish to find? A hole in their stocking.
What is that which a man nearly always wears in his sleep, frequently takes off and never puts on again? His beard.
This nice looking man with a beard, Remarked, "It's just as I feared; Four larks and a hen, two owls and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard."
What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, and yet has four fingers and a thumb? A glove.
Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a meeting? Because there is a gathering there, and sometimes a good deal of bustle.
How does a well-fitting bonnet lose its identity? Because it "becomes" the lady who wears it.
What is the sweetest thing in bonnets this season? The ladies' faces.
Why is a kiss like a rumour? Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
What is the difference between an accepted and rejected lover? The one kisses his misses, and the other misses his kisses.
Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off.
Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? Because they want carrying out.
Why are lovers like apples? Because they are often paired (pared).
Why is first love like a potato? Because it shoots from the eyes and becomes all the less by pairing (paring).
Which age do most girls wish to attain? Marri-age.
What kind of men do women like best? Husband-men.
What ties two people together, yet touches one? A wedding ring.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because by doing so he rings his own Nell (knell).
Why is the bridegroom more expensive than the bride? Because the bride is given away, while the bridegroom is usually sold.
Why are ladies like bells? Because you seldom know what metal they are made of till you ring them.
What money lasts longest when you get it? Matrimony.
Why is matrimony like a besieged city? Because those who are in it wish to be out, and those who are out wish to be in.
Why are some women like facts? Because they are stubborn things.
Why are rough seats like domineering wives? Because they wear the breeches.
Why are husband and wife ten, instead of one? Because the wife is number one and the husband goes for nought.
Why was the Archbishop of Canterbury like the late Prince Consort? Because he married the Queen.
Why is a nugget of gold found at Bendigo like the Prince of Wales? Because it is the produce of Victoria and like to become a sovereign.
Why are ladies great thieves? Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, and crib their babies.
In what month do ladies talk the least? In February; because it's the shortest.
What is the difference between ladies and clocks? One makes us remember time, and the other makes us forget it.
Why is an empty room like another full of married people? Because there is not a single person in it.
Popular Errors
The commonly received notion that a man may marry his first cousin, but must not marry his second is not true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is in Bourke Street, Melbourne, about half-way between Swanston and Elizabeth Sts. The rumour that a Yankee Gentleman had invented a machine to take the noise out of thunder has turned out not to be true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is open from nine in the morning to ten at night, every working day in the year. The fact that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books is not the cause of the sea being salt--of coca-nuts containing milk-- of the growth of big gooseberries, nor of the multitude of great big fibs told annually about a sea-serpent. It is not true that cats will suck the breath of children when they are asleep, but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade contains one interesting cat and 80,000 sorts of interesting books. N.B.--The likeness of Cole's Cat can be seen on page 153.
[Page 126--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles And Catches
Which is the greatest peer that England ever produced? Shakespeare.
What is the grandest verse in existence? The universe.
What is the greatest stand ever made for civilisation? The inkstand.
What is that which, although black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
What is that which is full of knowledge, and yet knows nothing? A book-case.
What is that which you and every living man have seen, but can never see again? Yesterday.
What is that which no man ever did see, which never was, but always is to be? To-morrow.
What thing is that that is lower with a head than without one? A pillow.
What volume is sure to bring tears to your eyes? A volume of smoke.
What is that which has form without substance, and size without weight? A shadow.
Name me and you break me. Silence.
What is that which renders life inert, and yet restores it? Sleep.
Formed long ago, yet made today, Employed while others sleep, What few would like to give away, Nor any wish to keep. A bed.
What is that which flies high, flies low, wears shoes, and has no feet? Dust.
What is that of which the common sort is best? Sense.
What is that which we often return yet never borrow? Thanks.
Name that bird which, if you do not, you must die? Swallow.
What is that which you cannot hold for ten minutes although it is "as light as a feather?" Your breath.
What is that which never was seen, felt, nor heard, never was and never will be, and yet has a name? Nothing.
What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, and yet gave two to each of his children? Parents.
What is that we wish for, and when we have obtained we never know we have it? Sleep.
When is it that a person ought not to keep his temper? When it is a bad one.
What is yours, and is used by others more than yourself? Your name.
Can a man's pocket be empty when he's got something in it? Yes: when he's got a big hole in it.
What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.
Melbourne, Hotham, Collingwood, Prahran, Richmond, Emerald Hill, and Cole's Book Arcade, all begins with an A.
Why is a penny like a black cat at Cole's Book Arcade? Because it has a head and a tail.
Why is Cole's Book Arcade like a Crocodile? Because it can't jump over the moon.
Why is Cole's Book Arcade like a learned man? Because it is well stocked with literature.
What is that which goes every morning at eight o'clock from the Post Office to Cole's Book Arcade, and every evening at six o'clock from the Parliament House to Cole's Book Arcade, without moving? Bourke Street.
How many sides are there to Cole's Book Arcade? Four. 1st, the right side; 2nd, the left side; 3rd, the outside; and 4th, the inside, where the 80,000 sorts of books are.
What are the oldest tops in the world? Mountain tops.
Which is the oldest table in the world? The multiplication table.
What kind of ship has two mates and no captain? A courtship.
What is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch.
What is that which one can divide, but cannot see where it has been divided? Water.
What is that which gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor? A draft.
What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on? Warfare.
What vice is it that the greatest criminals shun? Ad-vice.
What is that which is often found where it is not? Fault.
What is that which we often catch hold of, and yet never see? A passing remark.
What is that which is often brought to the table, often cut, but never eaten? A pack of cards.
What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water? A sponge.
What window in your house is like the sun? The skylight.
What word is it of five letters, of which two being removed one only one will remain? St-one.
What is that from which if the whole be taken some will remain? The word "wholesome".
What word contains all the vowels in their proper order? Facetious.
How would you express in one word having met a doctor of medicine? Metaphysician.
Why is a nobleman like a book? Because he has a title.
Why is the alphabet like the mail? Because it consists of letters.
Why is a book like a tree? Because it has many leaves.
Mechanical Advertisement
The idea of a machine to go by perpetual motion is perpetual nonsense. Multitudes of boys and men have wasted much valuable time in trying to find it, but they never can, as it is contrary to natural laws, and therefore impossible; but one certainty of the future is, that a million useful flying machines will flit hither and thither; and one certainty of the present is, that while Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books, not a single person has yet been able to come to it for a supply in a flying machine.--Laggard inventors, think of this! N.B.--Cole once invented a flying machine, but it wouldn't work!
[Page 127--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles And Catches
If a man has twenty sick (six) sheep and one of them dies, how many will remain? Nineteen.
Can a leopard change his spots? Yes: when he is tired of one spot he can go to another.
Why does a piebald pony never pay a toll? Because his master pays it for him.
Where are you sure to find pity in the worst of misfortunes? In the dictionary.
Where did the witch of Endor live? At Endor.
What is most like a cat's tail? A kitten's tail.
What is that which no other animal but a cat possesses? Kittens.
What is the colour of a green-plot covered with snow? Green.
When is a man not a man? When he is a muff.
If a stone were thrown at you and fell into the water, what would it become? Wet.
What is the oldest tree in Australia? The Elder.
What trees bear the most fruit for the Market? The axle-trees.
Why is a clock not wound up, like a mile-stone? Because it stands still.
What is the easiest thing for a nigger to do? Keep dark.
How can you make a currant cake without currants? Put only one currant into it.
Which letters are never out of fashion? F A S H I O N.
Why is your nose like St. Paul's? Because it is flesh and blood.
Why do white sheep furnish more wool than the black ones? Because there are more of them.
What makes a pair of boots? Two.
What did Adam first plant in his garden? His foot.
How can a boy make his jacket last? By making his coat and waistcoat first.
She was plump and beautiful, and he was wildly fond of her; she hated him, yet woman-like, she strove to catch him. What was he? He was a flea.
What is the difference between six dozen dozen and half a dozen dozen? One is six gross and the other is six dozen.
What is that which a man can put into his right hand but never into his left? His left elbow.
What is that which a man with two eyes cannot see with one? T'other eye.
Spell and pronounce the word Pot, without saying Teapot?
Cautiously start a conversation about coins, and the ask, "Did you ever see any of those coins two of which make eighteen pence?" Of course they will say "no"; then show them a shilling and a sixpence, and you "have" them.
Would you rather an elephant killed you or a gorilla? Rather the elephant killed the gorilla.
When Shall We Three Meet Again?
One donkey has met another donkey and now there are two donkeys, as you see and you have to guess where the third donkey is: if you cannot guess it, some kind friend will tell you.
There was a donkey on one side of a river and some hay on the other side. The donkey wanted the hay, but he couldn't swim over the river, jump over it, nor cross the bridge. How could he manage it? Do you give up? Yes. Answer--That is what the other donkey did.
REPEAT THIS WITH A FRIEND 1. I went up one pair of stairs; 2. Just like me. 1. I went up two pair of stairs; 2. Just like me. 1. I went into a room; 2. Just like me. 1. I looked out of a window; 2. Just like me. 1. And there I saw a donkey; 2. Just like me.
"Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascals ran a truly rural race." Repeat this five times quickly without a mistake and see what it will come to?
A room with eight corners had a cat in each corner seven cats before each cat and a cat on every cat's tail. What was the total number of cats? Eight cats.
Speaking of persons who have educated themselves, I once knew a person who educated himself, and guess how the fellow spelt "Cat." You could not guess in a year? Answer.--"Kat," No. "Catt," No. "Katt," No. Give it up? Yes. "Cat."
Why is a cow's tail like a swan's bosom? Because it grows down.
When is a horse's head where it's tail should be? When his tail is towards the manger.
What should a clergyman preach about? About half-an-hour.
Although I've neither legs not feet, I'm only useful when I go; I have no tongue, but yet I tell What hundreds want to know.
A watch.
My sides are firmly laced about, Yet nothing have within; You'll find my head is straight indeed, 'Tis nothing else but skin.
A drum.
REPEAT THIS WITH A FRIEND 1. I am a gold lock; 2. I am a gold key. 1. I am a silver lock; 2. I am a silver key. 1. I am a brass lock; 2. I am a brass key. 1. I am a lead lock; 2. I am a lead key. 1. I am a monk lock; 2. I am a monk key.
MIND YOUR PUNCTUATION
King Charles 1. spoke half-an-hour after his head was cut off.
Every lady in this land Has twenty nails upon each hand Five and twenty hands and feet All this is true without deceit.
I saw a peacock with fiery tail I saw a blazing comet drop down hail I saw a cloud wrapped with ivy round I saw an oak creep upon the ground I saw a monkey swallow up a whale I saw the sea brimful of ale I saw an ale glass full fifteen feet deep I saw a well full of men's tears that weep I saw red eyes all of a flaming fire I saw a house bigger than the moon and higher I saw the sun at twelve o'clock at night I saw the man that saw this wondrous sight.
The Husband's Petition
Come hither my heart's darling, come sit upon my knee And listen while I whisper a boon I ask of thee. I felt a bitter craving--a dark and deep desire That glows beneath my bosom like coals of kindled fire. Nay, dearest, do not doubt me, though madly this I speak-- I feel thine arms about me, thy tresses on my cheek; I know the sweet devotion that links thy heart with mine-- I know my soul's emotion is doubly felt by thine.
And deem not that a shadow has fallen across my love; No, sweet, my love is shadowless as yonder heaven above. Oh, then, do not deny me my first and fond request, I pray thee, by the memory of all we cherish best-- By that great vow that made thee my darling and my bride; Thou wilt not fail nor falter, but bend thee to the task. _Put buttons on my shirt love--that's all the boon I ask!_
Literary Advertisement
To the inhabitants of the World! Will be published shortly by E. W. COLE, if he can see his way clear, a volume containing all that has ever been written, said, or thought by mankind. Price 1s. Also, a second volume, containing all that has NOT been written, said, or thought by mankind. Price 1s.
If the work can be successfully be brought out it will be a VERY, VERY, instructive one, and place E. W. COLE at the head of the literary world. To secure a copy of this valuable work Orders should be sent without delay, to COLE'S Book Arcade, Melbourne; or, to the Branch Establishments, at Sydney or Adelaide.
[Page 128--Ten Picture Puzzles]
Ten Picture Puzzles
He or She is Clever Who Discovers Nine of them,
[Page 129--Ten Picture Puzzles]
Ten Picture Puzzles
and Exceedingly Clever Who Finds Out the Whole Ten.
[Page 130--Picture Puzzle Land]
[Page 131--Picture Puzzle Land]
[Page 132--Picture Puzzle Land]
[Page 133--Picture Puzzle Land]
[Page 134--Picture Puzzle Land]
[Page 135--Picture Puzzle Land]
[Page 136--Picture Puzzle Land]
B one day drove a flock of geese, And met with Farmer A: Says Farmer A, "How much a piece For this flock did you pay?" Says B, "I paid for all I drive Just six pounds and a crown; And I'm going to sell them, all but five, At yonder market town; When fifteen pence a head I'll charge Above what they cost me, And thus obtain a sum as large As I gave for all you see."
How many geese did B buy? How much did he give for each? and What price did he ask? He bought 25 geese at 5s each, and meant to ask 6s 3d each.
Oft sought in the country, much prized in the town? Like a king, above all, I can boast of a crown; If not found in the palace, I grace the chateau; Both the peer and the peasant my usefulness know. When I've not seen six months I am said to be old; Though exalted by nobles, I'm bought and I'm sold. Though ne'er in a sermon, I take part in all chat; Yet I'm ne'er found in this, but I'm always in that. I'm seen in most colours, am brown, black, or white, But am rarely found red and, when good, I am light; In demand with both sexes, selected with care, I'm prized by most men and add grace to the fair. Of no use to my owner when kept in his sight, I attend him by day, and oft serve him by night; As his slave I am passive; yet, strange it may sound, To keep me in order, I'm frequently bound. My fetters are silken; I'm useless at home, Though a constant companion whenever you roam; And, though no enchantment within me doth dwell, Pray tell me my name--for in that lies a spell!
A Hat.