Chapter 20

See my slate. I dot it new Cos I b'oke the other, Put my 'ittle foot right froo, Runnin' after modder.

I tan make you lots of sings, Fass as you tan tell 'em, T's and B's and O rings, Only I tan't spell 'em

I tan make an elephant, Wid his trunk a hangin'; An' a boy--who says I tan't? Wid his dun a bangin'

An' the smoke a tummin' out; (Wid my t'umb I do it, Rubbin' all the white about,) Sparks a flying froo it.

I tan make a pretty house, Wid a tree behind it, And a 'ittle mousey-mouse Runnin' round to find it.

I tan put my hand out flat On the slate and draw it; (Ticklin' is the worst of that!) Did you ever saw it?

Now, then, s'all I make a tree Wid a birdie on it? All my pictures you s'all see If you'll wait a minute.

No, I dess I'll make a man Juss like Uncle Rolly, See it tummin', fass it tan! Bet my slate is jolly!

[Page 98--Drawing Land]

Learning to Draw

Come, here is a slate, And a pencil, and string. And now sit you down, dear, And draw pretty thing; A man and a cow, And a horse and a tree, And when you have finished Pray show them to me.

What! cannot you do it? Shall I show you how? Come, give me your pencil; I'll draw you a cow. You've made the poor creature Look very forlorn! She has but three legs, dear, And only one horn.

Now look, I have drawn you A beautiful cow; And see, here's a dicky-bird, Perched on a bough, And there are some more Flying down from above; There now, is not that Very pretty, my love?

Oh, yes, very pretty! Now make me some more-- A house with a gate, And a window, and a door, And a little boy flying His kite with a string; Oh, thank you, mamma, Now I'll draw pretty thing.

[Page 99--Drawing Land]

A Lesson in Drawing

I.

Take a pencil, black or red. Draw a little loaf of bread On a piece of paper white-- Make the bread extremely light.

II.

Then, before your work you stop, Draw a little loop on top, And a satchel will be found Such as ladies carry round.

III.

Then you may, my pretty dears, Add a pair of little ears; And, if Art is not in fault, There's a bag of extra salt.

IV.

Pause, and in rapture fine, Contemplate the great design-- Add a flowing tail, and that Makes a perfect pussy cat.

[Page 100--Old Men Tales]

Old Man and His Wife

There was an old man who lived in a wood, As you may plainly see, He said he could do as much work in a day As his wife could do in three.

"With all my heart," the old woman said, "If that you will allow; To-morrow you'll stay at home in my stead, And I'll go drive the plough.

"But you must milk the Tidy cow, For fear she may go dry. And you must feed the little pigs That are within the sty;

"And you must mind the speckled hen, For fear she lay away; And you must reel the spool of yarn That I spun yesterday."

The old woman took a whip in her hand, And went to drive the plough; The old man took a pail in his hand, And went to milk the cow.

But Tidy hinched and Tidy flinched, And Tidy broke his nose, And Tidy gave him such a blow That the blood ran down to his toes.

"Hi! Tidy! Ho! Tidy! Hi! Tidy! do stand still! If ever I milk you, Tidy, again, 'Twill be sore against my will."

He went to feed the little pigs, That were within the sty; He hit his head against the beam And he made the blood to fly.

He went to mind the speckled hen, For fear she'd lay away; And he forgot the spool of yarn His wife spun yesterday.

So he swore by the sun, the moon, the stars, And the green leaves on the tree, If his wife didn't do a day's work in her life, She should never be ruled by he.

John Ball Shot Them All

John Ball shot them all. John Scott made the shot, But John Ball shot them all.

John Wyming made the priming, And John Brammer made the rammer, And John Scott made the shot, But John Ball shot them all.

John Block made the stock, And John Wyming made the priming, And John Brammer made the rammer, And John Scott made the shot, But John Ball shot them all.

John Crowder made the powder, And John Block made the stock, And John Wyming made the priming, And John Brammer made the rammer, And John Scott made the shot, But John Ball shot them all.

John Puzzle made the muzzle, And John Crowder made the powder, And John Block made the stock, And John Wyming made the priming, And John Brammer made the rammer, And John Scott made the shot, But John Ball shot them all.

John Clint made the flint, And John Puzzle made the muzzle, And John Crowder made the powder, And John Block made the stock, And John Wyming made the priming, And John Brammer made the rammer, And John Scott made the shot, But John Ball shot them all.

John Patch made the match, John Clint made the flint, John Puzzle made the muzzle, John Crowder made the powder, John Block made the stock, John Wyming made the priming, John Brammer made the rammer, John Scott made the shot, But John Ball shot them all.

The Funny Old Man

There was an old man, and though 'tis not common, Yet if he said true, his mother was a woman; And though it's incredible, yet I've been told He was a mere infant, but age made him old. Whene'er he was hungry he wanted some meat, And if he could get it, 'twas said he could eat; When thirsty he'd drink, if you gave him a pot, And his liquor most commonly ran down his throat. He seldom or never could see without light, And yet I've been told he could hear in the night. He has oft been awake in the daytime 'tis said, And has fall'n fast asleep as he lay in his bed. 'Tis reported his tongue always moved when he talked, And he stirred both his arms and his legs when he walk'd, And his gait was so odd, had you seen him you'd burst, For one leg or t'other would always be first. His face was the saddest that ever was seen, For if 'twere not washed it was seldom quite clean; He showed most his teeth when he happened to grin, His mouth stood across 'twixt his nose and his chin. At last he fell sick, as old chronicles tell, And then, as folk said, he was not very well! And what is more strange, in so weak a condition, As he could not give fees, he could get no physician. What a pity he died; yet 'tis said that his death Was occasioned at last by the want of his breath. But peace to his bones, which in ashes now moulder, Had he lived a day longer he'd been a day older.

Piper and His Cow

There was and old piper who had a cow, But he had no hay to give her, So he took his pipes and played her a tune "Consider, old cow, consider."

Old John Brown

Poor old John Brown is dead and gone, We ne'er shall see him more; He used to wear an old brown coat, All button'd down before.

Three Wise Men

Three wise men of Gotham, Went to sea in a bowl; If the bowl it had been stronger, My song would have been longer.

Frightened Old Man

There was a man and he had nought, And robbers came to rob him; He crept up the chimney pot, And then they thought they had him; But he got down on t'other side, And so they could not find him; He ran fourteen miles in fifteen days, And never look'd behind him.

A Man with a Wife

I had a little wife, the prettiest ever seen, She washed up the dishes, and kept the house clean; She went to the mill to fetch me some flour, She brought it home in less than an hour; She baked me my bread, she brewed me my ale, She sat by the fire and told me many a fine tale.

Crooked Old Man

There was a crooked man, And he went a crooked mile, He found a crooked sixpence, Against a crooked stile. He bought a crooked cat, Which caught a crooked mouse, And they all lived together In a little crooked house.

King Arthur

When good King Arthur ruled this land, He was a goodly King; He stole three pecks of barley meal, To make a bag pudding. A bag pudding the King did make, And stuffed it well with plums; And in it put great lumps of fat, As big as my two thumbs. The King and Queen did eat thereof, And noblemen beside; And what they could not eat that night The Queen next morning fried.

Barney Bodkin

Barney Bodkin broke his nose, Without feet we can't have toes, Crazy folks are always mad, Want of money makes us sad.

Funny Man

A man of words and not of deeds, Is like a garden fill of weeds; And when the weeds begin to grow, It's like a garden full of snow; And when the snow begins to fall, It's like a bird upon the wall; And when the bird away does fly, It's like an eagle in the sky; And when the sky begins to roar, It's like a lion at the door; And when the door begins to crack, It's like a stick across your back; And when your back begins to smart, It's like a penknife in your heart; And when your heart begins to bleed, You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

Strange Man

There was a man and he was mad, And he jumped into a pea-pod; The pea-pod was over-full, So he jumped into a roaring bull; The roaring bull was over-fat, So he jumped into a gentleman's hat; The gentleman's hat was over-fine, So he jumped into a bottle of wine; The bottle of wine was over-dear, So he jumped into a bottle of beer; The bottle of beer was over-thick, So he jumped into a club-stick; The club-stick was over-narrow, So he jumped into a wheel-barrow; The wheel-barrow began to crack, So he jumped into a hay-stack; The hay-stack began to blaze, So he did nothing but cough and sneeze.

[Page 101--Old Men Tales]

Jack Sprat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean, And so between them both They licked the platter clean. Jack ate all the lean, Joan ate all the fat, The bone they both picked clean, Then gave it to the cat.

When Jack Sprat was young, He dressed very smart, He courted Joan Cole, And soon gained her heart; In his fine leather doublet And old greasy hat, Oh! what a smart fellow Was little Jack Sprat.

Joan Cole had a hole In her petticoat, Jack Sprat, to get a patch, Gave her a groat. The groat bought a patch Which stopped the hole, "I thank you, Jack Sprat," Says little Joan Cole.

Jack Sprat was the bridegroom, Joan Cole was the bride, Jack said from the church His Joan home should ride. But no coach could take her, The road was so narrow; Said Jack, "Then I'll take her Home in a wheelbarrow."

Jack Sprat was wheeling His wife by a ditch, Then the barrow turned over, And in she did pitch. Says Jack, "She'll be drown'd!" But Joan did reply, "I don't think I shall, For the ditch is quite dry."

Jack brought home his Joan, And she sat in a chair, When in came his cat, That had got but one ear. Says Joan "I've come home, Puss, Pray how do you do?" The cat wagg'd her tail And said nothing but "mew."

Jack Sprat took his gun, And went to the brook; He shot at the drake, But he killed the duck. He bought it home to Joan, Who a fire did make, To roast the fat duck While Jack went for the drake.

The drake was swimming With his curly tail, Jack Sprat came to soot him, But happened to fail. He let off his gun, But missing the mark, The drake flew away Crying "Quack, quack, quack."

Jack Sprat to live pretty Now bought him a pig, It was not very little, It was not very big; It was not very lean, It was not very fat, "It will serve for a grunter," Said little Jack Sprat.

Then Joan went to market To buy her some fowls, She bought a jackdaw And a couple of owls; The owls were white, The jackdaw was black, "They'll make a rare breed," Says little Joan Sprat.

Jack Sprat bought a cow, His Joan to please, For Joan could make Both butter and cheese; Or pancakes or puddings Without any fat; A notable housewife Was little Joan Sprat.

Joan Sprat went to brewing A barrel of ale, She put in some hops That it might not turn stale; But as for the malt-- She forgot to put that; "This is a brave sober liquor." Said little Jack Sprat.

Jack Sprat went to market And bought him a mare, She was lame of three legs, An as blind as she could stare. Her ribs they were bare, For the mare had no fat; "She looks like a racer," Said little Jack Sprat.

Jack and Joan went abroad, Puss looked after the house; She caught a large rat, And a very small mouse, She caught a small mouse, And a very large rat, "You're an excellent hunter," Said little Jack Sprat.

Now I've told you the story Of little Jack Sprat, Of sweet Joan Cole And the poor one-ear'd cat; Now Jack he loved Joan, And good things he taught her, Then she gave him a son, Then after a daughter.

Now Jack has got rich, And has plenty of pelf; If you know any more you may tell it yourself.

Cross Old Man

There was a cross old man and what do you think, He lived on nothing but victuals and drink; Victuals and drink were his principal diet, Yet this crabbed old man would never be quiet.

He teased a poor monkey, who lived in a cage, Till the animal got in a terrible rage, And seized on his nose with finger so strong, That it stretched it until it was quite a yard long.

Old Man in the Moon

The man in the moon came tumbling down, And asked his way to Norwich, He went by the south, and burnt his mouth, With supping cold pease-porridge.

A Funny Man

There was a man of Newington, And he was wondrous wise, He jump'd into a quickset hedge And scratch'd out both his eyes. But when he saw his eyes were out With all his might and main He jump'd into another hedge. And scratched them in again.

Dr. Faustus

Doctor Faustus was a good man, He whipt his scholars now and then. When he did he made them dance Out of Scotland into France; Out of France into Spain, And then he whipped them back again.

If! If! If!

If all the would was apple pie, And all the seas were ink, And all the trees were bread and cheese, What would we have to drink? It's enough to make an old man Scratch his head and think.

Funny Men

Alderman Absolute Always Adjudicated with Astonishing Ability After he had read some books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Benjamin Bouncer Banged a Brown Bear with a Blunderbuss, In a lane at the back of Cole's Book Arcade.

Christopher Crabstick was Cross, Captious, Cutting, and Caustic, Whenever he could not get a book brought from Cole's Book Arcade.

Francis Fizgig Ferociously Fought and Frightened a Fiddler, At midday, right in front of Cole's Book Arcade.

Gregory Gimcrack Grinned and Gaped at the Geese and Ganders Exposed for sale in the Eastern Market, just above Cole's Book Arcade.

Horatio Headstrong Hurled a Hatchet at the Head of a Hawk Which sat on top of Cole's Book Arcade.

Isaac Ichabod Inhabited an Isolated and Inhospitable Indian Island, At an enormous and disheartening distance from Cole's Book Arcade.

Lugubrious Longface Loved Learning and Literary Lore, Which he always got out of the books he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.

Marmaduke Meddlesome Munificently Meted out Mercy to a Miserable Man Who stole a book at Cole's Book Arcade.

Obadiah Orpheus Opened an Original Overture Outrageously Oddly, With a small whistle and a big drum, in front of Cole's Book Arcade.

Quinton Querulous Queerly Questioned a Quibbling and Querulous Quidnunc, And asked Quizzingly if he had ever seen the inside of Cole's Book Arcade.

Reuben Ramble Ran a Ridiculous Rattling Race on a Railway, And beat the train in hasting to get a book at Cole's Book Arcade.

Theodore Thunderbolt Told Terrible and Tremendous Tales of Travelling, Which were afterwards printed in books and sold at Cole's Book Arcade.

Valentine Valiana Valorously Vanquished a Vapouring Villager, Who spoke ignorantly and slightingly of Cole's Book Arcade.

Xenophon Xenocles eXhibited eXtraordinary and eXcessive eXcitability Whenever he was not calmed down by books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Young Yokel, a Youthful Yorkshire Yeoman Yawned at York, For want of a few interesting and entertaining books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Zachariah Zany Zealously studied Zoology Out of the works which he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.

[Page 102--Old Men Tales]

Utter Nonsense

There was an Old Person of Prague, Who was suddenly seized with the plague, But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter, And cured that Old Person of Prague.

There was an Old Man with a gong, Who bumped at it all the day long, But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore!" So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

There was an Old Man of the Isles, Whose face was pervaded with smiles, He sang "Hi dum diddle," played on the fiddle, That amiable Old Man of the Isles.

There was an Old Person of Dover, Who rushed through a field of blue clover; But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees, So he very soon went back to Dover.

There was an Old Man of Quebec,-- A beetle ran over his neck: But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beetle!" That angry Old Man of Quebec.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius, Who studied the works of Vitruvius; When the flames burned his book, to drinking he took, That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

There was an Old Person of Buda, Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder, Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamour, By smashing that Old Person of Buda.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles, Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils, They caught several fish which they put in a dish, And sent to their Pa at Marseilles.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense, He went with one prance from Turkey to France, That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

There was an Old Person of Gretna, Who rushed down the crater of Etna; When they said, "Is it hot?" he replied, "No, it's not!" That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

There was an Old Person of Bangor, Whose face was distorted with anger; He tore off his boots and subsisted on roots, That borascible Person of Bangor.

There was an Old Person of Spain, Who hated all trouble and pain; So he sat on a chair, with his feet in the air, That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

There was an Old Man of the West, Who never could get any rest; So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin, Which cured that Old Man of the West.

There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was horribly bored by a bee; When they said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes it does! It's a regular brute of a bee!"

There was an Old Man who said, "How, Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? I will sit on this stile and continue to smile, Which may soften the heart of this Cow."

There was an Old Man of Calcutta, Who perpetually ate bread and butter, Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing, Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

There was an Old Man of the South, Who had an immoderate mouth; But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of fish, He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

There was an Old Person of Dutton, Whose head was as small as a button; So to make it look big, he purchased a wig, And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

There was an Old Man of some rocks, Who shut his wife up in a box; When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt You will pass all your life in that box,"

There was an Old Person of Rheims, Who was troubled with horrible dreams; So to keep him awake they fed him with cake, Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

There was an Old Man with a flute, A "sarpent" ran into his boot; But he played day and night, till the "sarpent" took flight, And avoided that Man with a flute.

There was an Old Man of Berlin, Whose form was uncommonly thin; Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake, So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

There was an Old Man of the Hague, Whose ideas were excessively vague; He built a balloon to examine the moon, That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

A horrid Old Gentleman from Monaghan, Sat down and refused to go on again, Till they gave him a crown for leaving the town, That wretched old humbug of Monaghan.

There was an Old Man if Nepaul, From his horse had a terrible fall; But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glue They mended that Man of Nepaul.

There was an Old Man of Aoster, Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her; But they said, "Don't you see she has rushed up a tree? You invidious Old Man of Aosta!"

There was an Old Man of the Nile, Who sharpened his nails with a file, Till he cuts of his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comes Of sharpening one's nails with a file!"

There was an Old Person of Rhodes, Who strongly objected to toads; He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens, That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born; So he sat on a chair until he died of despair, That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

There was an Old Person whose habits Induced him to feed upon rabbits; When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green, Upon which he relinquished those habits.

There was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, "If you choose to suppose That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!" That remarkable Man with a nose.

There was an Old Man of Apulia, Whose conduct was very peculiar; He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns, That whimsical Man of Apulia.

There was an Old Man of Madras, Who rode on a cream-coloured ass; But the length of its ears so promoted his fears That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

There was an Old Person of Sparta, Whose had twenty-five sons and one daughter; He fed them snails, and weighed them on scales, That wonderful Person of Sparta.

There was an Old Person of Chilli, Whose conduct was painful and silly; He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears, That imprudent Old Person of Chilli.

There was an Old Man of the East, Who gave all his children a feast; But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such That it killed that Old Man of the East.

There was an Old Man of Peru, Who never knew what he should do; So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear, That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" When they said, "No you a'int!" he was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat.