Part 4

_Citt._ So that here's One great point quickly over; in thy being Train'd to my hand: A man might lay thee down _Instructions_, now, for thy very _Words_, _Looks_, _Motions_, _Gestures_; nay thy very _Garments_; but we'l leave those matters to Time, and Study. It is a strange thing how Nature puts her self forth, in these _Externall Circumstances_. Ye shall Know a _Sanctifi'd Sister_, or a _Gifted Brother_ more by the _Meene_, _Countenance_, and _Tone_, then by the Tenour of their _Lives_, and _Manners_. It is a Comely thing for Persons of the Same Perswasion, to agree in these _Outward Circumstances_, even to the _drawing_ of the _same Tone_, and _making_ of the _same Face_: Always provided, that there may be read in our _Appearances_, a _Singularity of Zeal_, a _Contempt of the World_, a _fore-boding of Evills to come_; a _dissatisfaction at the Present Times_; and a _Despair of Better_.

Bum. _Why This is the very Part, that I was Made for; these Humours are to be put =On=, and =Off=, as a man would shift his =Gloves=; and you shall see me do't as Easily too; but the =Language= must be got, I Phansy, by Conversing with =Modern Authours=, and frequenting =Religious Exercises=._

_Citt._ Yes, yes, and for a help to your memory I would advise you to dispose of your Observations into these _Three Heads_, _Words_, _Phrases_, and _Metaphors_: Do you conceive me?

The Force of Looks and Tones.

Bum. _There's not a word you say, falls to the Ground. And I am the more sensible of the force of =Words=, =Looks=, =Tones=, and =Metaphors= (as ye call 'um) from what I finde in my self. =Ours= certainly may be well term'd a =Powerfull Ministry=, that makes a man cry like a Child at the very =Noyse= of a Torrent of =Words= that he does not =Understand One Syllable= of. Nay, when I have been out of reach of hearing the =Words=, the very =Tone= and =Look=, has =Melted= me._

A Moving Metaphor.

_Citt._ Thou canst not but have heard of _That Moving Metaphor_ of the late Reverend _Mr. Fowler_: _Lord Sowse us;_ (says he) _Lord Dowse us, in the Powdering-Tubb of Affliction; that we may come forth Tripes worthy of thy Holy Table._ Who can resist the _Inundation_ of This _Rhetorique_? But let us now pass from the _Generall Ornaments_ of our _Profession_, to the _Particular businesse_ of our _present Case_.

I need not tell you, _Bumpkin_, of the _Plott_, or that we are all running into _Popery_; and that the best Service _Englishman_ can do his Country, would be the ripping up of This Designe to the _Bottom_.

Bum. _I am so much of Your Opinion, that you have Spoken my very Thoughts._

_Citt._ Bethink your self, _Bumpkin_; what _Papists_ do you know?

Bum. _Oh, hang 'um all, I never come near any of 'Um._

_Citt._ But yet you may have Heard, perhaps, of some people that are _Popishly affected_.

Bum. _Yes, yes; There are abundance of Them._

_Citt._ Can you prove that ever they _Sayd_, or _Did_ any thing, in favour of the _Papists_?

Bum. _Nay there's enough of That I believe; but then there are such_ Huge Great men among 'um.

_Citt._ Pluck up a good heart _Bumpkin_; the _Greater_, the _Better_; We fear 'um not. Rub up your Memory, and call to minde what you can say upon _Your own Knowledge_, and what you have _Heard_; either about _Sir Edmond-Bury Godfrey_, The _Plott_; The _Traytors_ that Suffer'd, or the _Kings Evidence_.

Bum. _I have seen people_ shrug _sometimes, and lift up their_ Hands _and_ Eyes, _and shake their_ Heads, _and then they would clutch their_ Fists, _look sour_, _make_ Mouths, _and bite their_ Nails, _and so: And I dare swear I know what they thought._

_Citt._ Ah _Bumpkin_, if they had but so much as mutter'd, they'd been our own.

Signs in Evidence.

Bum. _Well but hark ye_ Citt, _I hear People swear_, or in WORDS to this Effect; _why may not a Man as well swear_, in SIGNS to this Effect? _and that they lifted up their_ Eyes, _and_ hands, _bent their_ Fists, _knit their_ Brows, _and made_ Mouths, to this or that Effect?

_Citt._ No, that will never do _Bumpkin_, but if thou could'st but phansy that thou heard'st them _speak_.

Bum. _Why truly I never thought on't, but I saw a_ Parson _once, the Tears flood in his Eyes, as one of 'um went by to Execution. But your_ Surcingle-men, (_as our Doctor told us last Lords day_) _are all of 'um_ Papists in their Hearts.

_Citt._ Why what's the _Common-Prayer Book Bumpkin_, but a mess of _Parboyl'd Popery_?

Bum. _I'm a dog, if our Minister does not pray for the_ Queen _still._

Sad Times.

_Citt._ Nay, we are e'en at a fine pass, when the _Pulpit_ prays for the _Queen_, and the _Bench_ Drinks the _Duke of Yorks Health_. But to the point, bethink your self well; a man may forget a thing to day, and recollect it to morrow. Take notice however, that it is another main point of your Instructions to procure _Informations_ of this quality.

Bum. _I'le fit you to a hair for that matter: But then I must be running up and down ye know, into_ Taverns, _and_ Coffee-houses, _and thrusting myself into_ Meetings, _and_ Clubs. _That licks mony._

_Citt._ Never trouble your self for that, you shall be well paid and your expences born: Beside so much a head from the State, for every Priest that you discover.

Bum. _Well! these_ Priests _and_ Jesuites _are damn'd fellows._

_Citt._ And yet let me tell you _Bumpkin_, a _bare fac'd Papist_ is not half so bad as a _Papist_ in _Masquerade_.

Bum. _Why what are those I prethee?_

Church worse to Dissenters then Jesuites.

_Citt._ They are your _Will-worship-men_, your _Prelates Brats_: Take the whole Litter of 'um, and you'l finde _never a barrel better Herring_. Let me tell thee in Love _Bumpkin, these Curs_ are forty times worse to _Us_ then the _Jesuits themselves_; for the _One_ is an _Open Enemy_, the _Other_ lies gnawing like a Canker in our _Bowells_. And then being train'd up to _Latin_ and _Greek_, there's no opposing of the _Power of Godlinesse_ to the _Sophistry_ of _Human Reason_: Beside that, the _Law_ is _For_ us in the _One_ Case, and _Against_ us in the _Other_.

Bum. _Which way shall we go to work then, to deal with this Generation of Men?_

_Citt._ We must joyn the _Wisdom_ of the _Serpent_, to the _Innocence_ of the _Dove_; and endeavour to compass that by _stratagem_, which we cannot gain by _Argument_. But now am I going to open a _Mistery_ to thee, that's _worth_----

Bum. _Prethee the_ Worth _on't_ Citt: _For talk is but talk, the_ Worth _is the_ Main point.

_Citt._ Why then let me tell thee _Bumpkin_, the _Mistery_ that I am about to disclose to thee, was _worth_ to our Predecessours not long since, no less then _Three Kingdoms_, and _a better penny_. But I'le seal your Lips up, before I stir one step further.

Bum. _Why look ye_ Citt, may this Drink never go thorough me, if ever blab one Syllable of any thing thou tell'st me as a Secret.

_Citt._ Hold, hold, _Bumkin_, and _may it never come up again if thou do'st_; for we'l have no shifting.

Bum. And may it never come up again neither if I do.

The strange agreement of Dissenters.

_Citt._ Well, I'm satisfy'd, and now give attention; thou seest how unanimously fierce all the several Parties of the _Protestant Dissenters_ are against the _Papists_. Whence comes this _Conjunction_, I prethee, of so many _separate Congregations_, that are many of them worse then _Papists, One_ to _Another_? There must be in it, either _Conscience_, or _Interest_: If it were _Conscience_, we should fall foul _One_ upon _Another_, and for matter of _Interest_; when the _Papists_ are _destroy'd_, we are but still where we were.

Bum. _This is a crotchet_, Citt, _that did not fall under my Night-Cap._

The scope of that Agreement.

_Citt._ Be enlighten'd then. It is not the Destruction of those that are _Really Papists_, that will do our Work; for there's nothing to be got by't. But it must be our business to make _those people_ pass for _Papists_, that are _not_ so, but only have _Places_ to Lose: such as we our selves, by the removal of them, may be the better for; and _This, Bumpkin_ must be _our Master-piece_.

Bum. _I had this very phansy my self_, Citt; _but it stuck betwixt my Teeth, and would not out._

_Citt._ You hear now in General, what is to be done; You must be next instructed in the Acts of _Raising_, _Cherishing_, and _Fomenting_ such _Opinions_; in what Cases to _Improve_ them, and where to _apply_ them.

Who are Popishly affected in the first place.

Bum. _I'm perswaded my Masters Brother had this very thing in his Head, though he never made any words on't to me, He had got a List of all the considerable Offices and Employments in the Kingdom: And I remember he was us'd to say, that most of the respective_ Officers _were either_ Corrupt, _or_ Popishly affected. _If they were_ Publick Ministers; _either the_ Kings Councells _were_ betray'd, _or they put him upon Governing in an_ Arbitrary way, _and without_ Parliaments: _As for the_ Judges _there was either_ Bribery, Absolute Power, _or_ Oppression _laid to their Charge; and so all the rest were branded for_ Frauds, Imbezilments, _and the like, according to the Quality of their businesse: All the_ Governours _of_ Towns, Castles, _and_ Forts, _were_ Popishly Inclin'd; _and not to be Trusted. And then all_ Ecclesiasticall Officers, _whatsoever, within four or five, were half way at_ Rome _already._

_Citt._ This is well remembred, _Bumpkin_; Now 'tis worth a bodies while to make _these Blades_ passe for _Papists_, and _Traitors_, that leave _Good Offices_ behinde 'um. Nay, we must not suffer so much as any man, either of _Brains_, or _Fortune_ (that does not joyn with _Us_) to passe untainted.

Bum. _Thou say'st Right_, Citt; _for whosoever is not_ With _us, is_ Against _us._

_Citt._ Thou hast spoken patt to This point, _Bumpkin_, but yet thou begin'st at the wrong End; For you must first get the skill of _Raising_, and _Improving a Report_, before ye come to the _Fixing_ of it: For that's a Nicety not to be medled with, till we come to the taking out of the very Pins, and the Unhinging of the Government; So that the _First Clamour_ must be Level'd point-blank at some _Known_, and _Eminent Papists_.

Bum. _Well, but what shall we_ Charge 'um with?

_Citt._ Why, if we were Once at the bottom of _This Plot_ (which, upon my soul, _Bumpkin_, is a most hideous one) and wanted _matter_ for _Another_, I would charge them with a designe of betraying us to a _Foreign Enemy_.

Bum. _As how a_ Foreign Enemy _pre'thee?_

A Heavy Charge.

_Citt._ As Thus: I would charge 'um with holding an Intelligence with the Emperor of _Morocco_, for the Landing of _five and thirty thousand Light-horse men_ upon _Salisbury Plain_.

Bum. _Pre'thee_, Citt, _don't_ Romance.

Nothing Incredible.

_Citt._ Pre'thee do not _Balderno_, ye should say; Speak _Statutable English_, ye Fool you. Thou think'st perhaps that the people will not believe it: Observe but what I say to thee; let it but be put into the _Protestant Domestique_, that his _Imperiall Majesty_ is to hold up his hand at the _Kings Bench-barr_ for't, and let me be Dogs-meat if they do not swallow That too. Why pre'thee, _Bumkin_, we must make 'um believe stranger Things than This, or we shall never do our businesse. They must be made to believe that the _King_ intends to play the _Tyrant_; that all his _Counsellors_ are _Pensioners_ to the _French King_; that all his _Enemies_ are turn'd his _Friends_, o'th sodain, and all his _Friends_, his _Enemies_; That _Prelacy_ is _Anti-Christian_; all our _Clergy-men_, _Papists_, the _Liturgy_ the _Masse-Book_, and that the _Ten Commandments_ are to be read _backward_.

Bum. _Blesse me_, Citt, _what do I hear?_

Popish Ministers may have Orthodox Offices.

_Citt._ Come, come, Sirrah; y'are under an Oath; and This is the plain Truth on'. What is it to Thee and Me, I pre'thee, whether the _Great Ministers_ be _True_, or _False_; Or what _Religion_, the _Clergy_ are of, so long as their _Livings_ ye Rogue, are _Orthodox_, and their _Offices well-Affected_.

Bum. _This does Qualifie, I must confess. But you were saying, that the First Clamour should be levell'd at some_ Known _and_ Eminent Papists: _Now what comes after That, I beseech you?_

_Citt_. You may safely Mark all Their Friends then for _Popishly-Affected_; and so consequently on to all that _Love them_, and all that _They Love_. When this Opinion is once started, 'tis an Easy matter, by the help of _Invention_, and _Story_, to improve it; and by this means we shall come, in a short time to secure all the _Councils_ of the Nation to _our Party_, that are chosen by _Suffrage_. If you were read in History you would finde, that still _as the_ Papists _set the House on fire, the_ Non-conformists _took the Opportunity of rosting their own Eggs_.

Who are Popishly affected.

Bum. _Yes, yes, I understand ye. As for Example now,_ One _goes to the_ Lords _in the_ Tower, another (_as you were saying_) _drinks the_ Dukes Health, _a_ Third _prays for the_ Queen: _a_ Fourth _Phansies_ Two Plots; _a_ Fifth _refuses the_ Petition, _a_ Sixth _speaks well of my_ Lord Chief Justice, _or calls the_ Protestant Domestick _a_ Libel. _All these now are_ Popishly-Affected.

_Citt._ Save your breath _Bumpkin_, and take all in one word: whosoever will not do as we would have him shall be _made_ so.

But now to the matter of _Invention_, and _Story_; I hate the over-hearing of Discourses, in Blinde Allyes, and such ordinary _Shams_: I'm rather for coming downright to the _Man_, and to the _Poynt_; after the way of the Protestant Domestique.

Matters of Moment.

Bum. _Ay, ay: There's your_ free Speaker. _Well_ Citt, the King wants such men about him. _But pre'thee hear me; Is it certain his Majesty has Lent the King of_ France Three Millions?

_Citt._ No, no; some Two and a half; or thereabouts.

Bum. _Why, if the King would but make a League now with the_ Swiss _to keep the_ Turk _off_, That way; _and another with the_ Protestants _in_ Hungary, _to keep off the_ French, _the whole world could never hurt us._

_Citt._ Nay that's true enough, but then the _Pole_ lies so damnably betwixt _Us_ and the _Baltique_.

Bum. _I'de not value that a Half-penny, so long as we have the_ Waldenses _to Friend._

_Citt._ And then _New-England_ lies so conveniently for _Provisions_. But what do you think of drawing _Nova Scotia_, and _Geneva_ into the _Alliance_?

Bum. _Ay, but there's no hope of that: so long at the King follows these Counsells._

_Citt._ Thou art a great Read man I perceive in the _Interests of States_.

Bum. _I have always had a phansy to_ Stows Survey _of_ London, _and those kinde of Books._

_Citt._ But Good _Bumpkin_, what's thy Opinion of the _Bishops Votes_, in Case of _Life and Death_?

Bum. _Ay, or in Cases of_ Heaven and Hell _either. Why as true as thou art a man_ Citt, _we have but_ three Protestant Bishops _in the Nation; and I am told they are warping too._

_Citt._ Prethee why should we look for any _Protestant Bishops_ in the _Kingdom_, when there's no _Protestant Episcopacy_ in the _World_? but for all this, we may yet live to see the _Rufling_ of their _Lawn sleeves_.

Bum. _Oh, now I think on't; dist thou ever reade the Story of_ Moses _and the_ Ten Tables?

_Citt._ The _Two Tables_ in the _Mount_ thou mean'st.

Bum. Gad _I think 'tis the_ Two Tables. _I read it in Print t'other day, in a very good Book, that as sure as thou art alive now,_ the Bishops in _Henry the 8th._ made the _Ten Commandments._

_Citt._ Why that was the reason, _Bumpkin_, when the _Lords and Commons_ put down _Bishops_, they put down the _Ten Commandments too_; and made _New ones_ of their _Own_. And dost not thou take notice that they put down the _Lords Prayer_ too, because 'twas akinn to the _Popish Pater-Noster_? and then for the _Creed_, they cast it quite out of the _Directory_.

Bum. _Now as thou lay'st it down to me, the Case is as clear as Christal. And yet when I'm by my self sometime, I'm so affraid methinks of being_ Damn'd.

_Citt._ What for, ye Fop you?

Bum. _Why for_ Swearing, Lying, Dissembling, Cheating, Betraying, Defaming_, and the like._

The Brethren are only for Profitable Sins.

_Citt._ Put it at worst, do not you know that every man must have his _Dos_ of _Iniquity_? And that what you take out in _One way_ you abate for in _another_, as in _Profaning, Whoring, Drinking_, and so forth. Suppose you should see P O Y S O N set in Capital Letters, upon _seaven Vials_ in a _Laboratory_; 'twere a madness I know, for any man to venture his Life upon 'um, without a _Taster_. But having before your Eyes so many instances, of men that by drinking of these Poysonous Liquors, out of a _Consumptive, half-starv'd_, and _Heart-broken_ Condition, grow _Merry, Fat_, and _Lusty_, would not you venture too? Imagine These _Seven_ _Waters_ to be the _Seven Deadly Sins_, and then make your _Application_.

Bum. _Nay, the Case is plain enough, and I cannot see why that should be a_ Poyson _to_ me, _that's a_ Preservative _to_ Another: _Only our Adversaries twit us with Objections of_ Law _forsooth, and_ Religion.

_Citt._ Wherefore the Discipline of the Late Times sav'd a great deal of puzzle. Mr. _Prynn_ sent _His Clients_ to Mr. C_ase_ for _Religion_; and Mr. _Case_, in requital, sent _His_ to Mr. _Pryn_ for _Law_; which kept up a concord among the _Well-affected_. But your Lesson in both these Cases, falls into a very Narrow compass.

Bum. _Pray'e let it be_ Plain _that I may_ understand _it; and_ short _that I may_ Remember _it._

Three Positions.

_Citt._ Keep close only to these _Three Positions: First_, that the _King_ is _One_ of the _Three Estates; Secondly_, that the _Sovereign Power_ is in the _People_; and _Thirdly_, that it is better to obey _God_, then _Man_. These Fundamentals will serve to guide ye in allmost any dispute upon this Matter, that can occur to you.

Bum. _But what becomes of me, if my Adversaries should turn the question another way?_

_Citt._ I'le fortify you there too. And let me tell you that he'l have much ado to keep himself Clear of one of these Two Rocks: Either of Dashing upon the _Plott_, or upon the _Liberty of the Subject_. As for Example,

L'Estrange Confuted.

There's _L'Estrange_; as wary a Dog perhaps, as ever pist; and yet ye shall see how we have hamper'd Him. I writ the thing my self, ye must know, though it comes out in the Name of _the Authour of the Weekly Pacquet of Advice from_ Rome. 'Tis Dedicated to _Both Houses of Parliament_; and Design'd just for the 26th. of _January_: So that if the Parliament had Set, there would have been means us'd to have had him Question'd for't.

Bum. _Gad, I know where y'are now. 'Tis in the_ Preface _to the_ History of the Damnable Popish Plott.

_Citt._ Ay, that's it. I'le give ye First, the _Words_ in't that concern _L'Estrange_, and you shall _Then_ see the _Writings_ of _His_ that I have reflected upon.

Bum. _Oh, 'Tis a devilish witty Thing,_ Citt; _I have seen it. Methinks the Rogue, should hang himself out of the way. I'le go to_ Mans Coffee-house _and see how he Looks on't._

_Citt._ No, no, Pox on him; he's an Impudent Curr; nothing less than a Pillory will ever put Him out of Countenance. This Toad was in _Newgate_, I know not how long; and yet he'l take no warning.

Bum. _You must consider,_ Citt, _that he writes for_ Money; O my Soul, they say, the Bishops have given him five hundred Guynnyes. _But pre'thee_ Citt; _hast not thou seen_ the Answer to the Appeal, Expounded.

_Citt._ Yes, but I ha' not read it.

Bum. _Why then take it from me,_ Citt, _'tis one of the shrewdest_ _Pieces that ever came in Print._ L'Estrange, _you must know, wrote an_ Answer _to the_ Appeal.

_Citt._ We've a sweet Government the while, that any man should dare to fall foul upon _That Appeal_.

Bum. _Well, but so it is; and_ Another _has written Notes upon_ Him: _You cann't imagine_ Citt, _how he windes him about's Finger; And calls him_ Fidler, Impudent, Clod-pate; _and proves him to be a_ Jesuite, _and a_ Papist, _as plain as the Nose of a mans Face: he shews ye how he accuses the_ Kings Evidence; _and that he is in_ Both Plots, _in I know not how many places._

_Citt_ drawing up Articles.

_Citt._ I have known the man a great while; and let me tell ye in Private, I am to draw up _Articles_ against him. But I have been so busy about my _Lord Chief Justices Articles_, and _Other Articles_ against _a Great Woman_, that lay upon my hand, that I could not get leisure; and yet I should have met with him long e're This too, for all That, but that the _Committee_ Sits so cursedly Late: And then they have cut me out such a deal of work about the _Succession_. Well I heard a great Lord say, that _That History of his deserv'd to be burnt by the hand of the Common Hang-man_.

Bum. _Bravely sayd,_ Citt, _I Faith: who knows but we two may come to be_ Pillars _of the_ Nation? Thou _shalt stand up for the_ City, _and I for the_ Country.

_Enter_ Trueman _out of a Closet._

Enter _Trueman_.

_Citt._ Trepan'd, by the Lord, in our own way.

_Trueman._ Nay hold, my Masters; we'l have no flinching. Sit down, ye had best, without putting me to the Trouble of a Constable.

_Citt._ Why we have said nothing, sir, that we care who hears; but because you seem to be a Civill Gentleman, my Service to you, Sir.

Bum. _Ay, Sir; and if you'l be pleased to sit down and Chirp over a Pot of Ale as we do, y're wellcome._

_Citt's_ Faculty and Employment.

_True._ Very-good; And _You_ are the _Representative_ (forsooth) of the City, and _You_, of the _Country. Two_ of the _Pillars_ of the _Nation_, with a Horse-Pox; A man would not let down his Breeches in a House of Office that had but _Two such Supporters_. Do not I know you, _Citt_, to be a little _Grubstreet-Insect_, that but t'other day scribled Handy-dandy for some _Eighteen-pence_ a _Job_, _Pro_ and _Con_, and glad on't too? And now, as it pleases the stars, you are advanc'd from the _Obort_, the _Miscarriage_, I mean, of a _Cause-splitter_, to a _Drawer-up_ of _Articles_: and for your skill in _Counterfeiting hands_, preferr'd to be a _Sollicitor_ for _Fobb'd Petitions_: You'l do the _Bishops bus'nesse_, and You'l do the _Dukes bus'nesse_; And who but _You_, to tell the _King_ when he shall make _War_, or _Peace_; call _Parliaments_, and _whom_ to _Commit_, and _whom_ to _let go_? And then in your Fuddle, up comes all; what such a Lord told you, and what you told him; and all this Pudder against your Conscience too, even by your own Confession.

_Citt._ Y'are very much Mis-inform'd of Me, Sir.

_True._ Come, I know ye too well to be mistaken in you; and for your part, _Bumpkin_, I look upon you only as a simple Fellow drawn in.

_Bumpkins_ account of himself.

Bum. _Not so_ simple _neither, it may be, as you take me for. I was a_ Justices Clerk _in the_ Countrey, _till the bus'nesse of the_ Petitions; _and my Master was an Honest Gentleman too, though he's now put out of Commission: And to shew ye that I am none of your_ simple Fellows (_do ye mark_) _if ye have a minde to dispute upon_ Three Points, _I'm for you._ First, _the_ King _is_ One _of the_ Three Estates; Secondly, _the_ Sovereign Power _is in the_ People. _And_ Thirdly, _'Tis better to Obey_ God _then_ Man.

_Citt._ Always provided, _Bumpkin_, that the Gentleman take no advantage of what's spoken in Discourse.

_True._ No, there's my hand I will not; and now let's fall to work. If the King of _England_ be _One_ of the _Three Estates_, then the _Lords_ and _Commons_ are _two Thirds_ of the _King of England_.

_Bumpkin's_ way of Argument.

Bum. _Oh pox, you've a minde to put a sham upon the Plot, I perceive._

_True._ Nay, if y'are thereabouts:--Well; If the _Soveraignty_ be in the _People_, why does not the _Law_ run In the Name of our _Sovereign Lords_ the People?