Part 3

Sir _John_. The Fact, I am afraid, is but too true: And at the same Time that it proves the Corruption of the People, it proves likewise the Necessity of an immediate Remedy. Had those scandalous Marts for the Sale of _B—sh_ Liberty been more common; had they been _annual_, or even _triennial_, the M—rs would not find their Account in the frequent Expence; nay, they could not support it.

_Blunt_. Yet necessary as the immediate Application of this Specific is, you shall see it postponed to more pacific _Times_, and gentler _Seasons_.

_Smooth_. Mr. _Blunt_, tho’ you speak thus in Derision, yet if you reflect with Seriousness, the Delay of a Remedy so extraordinary as the Repeal of the _Septennial_ is, till after the War, will not seem so unmeet to you as it appears at present.

_Blunt_. Dost think the _Repeal_ would abate the Courage of our Soldiers and Seamen, and raise that of the Enemy? Dost think it would pall the Appetites of those greedy _Germans_, that now and long have done us the Honour to receive _Subsidies_ from us? Wou’d the Queen of _Hungary_ and King of _Sardinia_ receive _English_ Money the less freely; or defend their own Territories the less carefully, if _general Content_ should be spread throughout this Island, powerful as much or more by the Union of its Inhabitants, as by their Bravery and Wealth? Would our good Allies the _Dutch_ be deafer to our Intreaties, or slower in their Motions than they have been of late, should they see the very _Fountain_ of our Corruption and Venality dry’d up by a Legislative Spunge?

_Over_. Would our A—ls and G—ls have less Sense, Experience, Courage and Honesty, if they were to go to _Market_ with their _Bank-bills_, but every _Third Year_?

_Smooth_. You forget that your favourite A—l was lately courted at many _Markets_ without the Aid of Bank-bills.

_Over_. No, Sir; I don’t forget that his Merit had endeared him to the People, and render’d him hateful to—— Mi-Mi—Mi—Ministers.—’Sflesh! I thought I could never keep down another _Word_ which would force itself in the room of Ministers.—— But enough of that. No, Mr. _Smoothwell_, I forget not that that gallant, honest Man has not been thought of in the present Change, tho’ his Valour, Experience, Probity, and good Sense, can’t be called in question.

Sir _John_. Truly I wonder’d when I saw not his Name among the List of C—rs of a certain Board.

_Broad_. There are certain _Prejudices_, which, in Prudence, we were obliged to overlook when we could not surmount them.

Sir _John_. I don’t at all question but there was a _Prejudice_ to you _all_; but when you were able to conquer that which was always supposed to be conceived against you personally, Mr. _Broadbottom_, I should not wonder you could surmount all Prejudice whatever.

_Over_. Pr’ythee, _Bottom_, how came it practicable to ram one of your _uncommon Size_, down the narrow squeamish Throat of ——? again, another _Word_ would intrude on the Word Ministers.

_Blunt_. I’ll tell thee; to take away from us all our Props; to strip us of our Leaders; in short, to leave no Speaker or Man of known Merit behind—

Sir _John_. I fear that was Part of the Plan; and if so, we are undone, unless we are saved by the Virtue and Steadiness of those whom the People have confided in all along, and rais’d at last.

_Broad_. You need not fear them.

Sir _John_. I would not willingly suspect Men, who owe more to their Constituents, than those they have all along opposed. On a Supposition that these had purchas’d, no matter how infamously, they assum’d a Sort of Right to reimburse themselves at the Expence of the Venders. But you _Patriots_ have no such colourable Claim for disserving those who spontaneously chose you their Attornies with no private Views in the World, or any Views but such as tend to the Good of the Community in general.

_Over_. Gad, my dear _Broady_, you ought to be doubly cursed, nay doubly d—n’d, should you not earnestly and truly serve those that had gratuitously vested you with ample Power over their Persons, Lands, Goods, Chattels, Wives and Bairns.

_Rose_. And Hounds and Hunters; ha, ha!

_Blunt_. And Tythes and Dues, my laughing Vicar—Is the _Liberty_ of a free People a fit Subject for Laughter? Is not our All at Stake at this critical Juncture? Should those who have been always our reputed Friends, _join_ with those who were always deem’d our Enemies, what shall become of us? What shall we do?

_Over_. I’ll tell you; _unite_, and join against both.

Sir _John_. I should not wonder if a general _Union_ against all secret and open Enemies would be the Consequence of any signal Misconduct or Defection in those lately _ingrafted_. For after such repeated Experience as the People have had of the Power of C—— _Infection_, it may be expected they would go greater Lengths than might be agreeable to the Authors of their Despair. ’tis dangerous to push a sensible People too far.

_Over_. Pshaw! brag not too much of your Sensibility, I beseech you, after such Provocations as you have had since the _Septennial_ Y——e has been upon your Necks. Gad! they are as tame as my _Chesnut_ after a Morning’s Chase.

Sir _John_. They are observant of the Laws, and I hope they will always continue so.

_Over_. ’Sbud! you wou’dn’t have us keep Measures with _Renegadoes_ and _Promise-breakers_?

Sir _John_. No; but I am for no Measure that exceeds legal Bounds.

_Over_. Z—ds Man! you don’t think I would advise the knocking such _Recreants_ in the Head without Judge or Jury, tho’ they would merit the worst of Deaths. No; I would not touch a Hair of their Heads; but d—n me if ever that Man should have my Friendship or Vote again, who should once break public _Faith_ with me.

_Blunt_. Right, my worthy ’Squire—— Oh! how solemnly have we been promis’d a Redress of all our Grievances as soon as our _Idols_ should come into the Administration!

_Rose_. _Idols_! Mr. Mayor.——

_Blunt_. Ay, Doctor; such, and worse, if possible, are all those useless insignificant Men, that fawn, flatter and promise, to arrive at the Summit of their Ambition, and forget all they had promised as soon as their Turn is served.—Idols! Mr. _Roseband_; yes, Sir, I would call our Patriots so to their Faces, and even Mr. _Broadbottom_ himself, whom I always lov’d and serv’d, should the Redress of our Grievances be postpon’d. Tame and gull’d as we awkward Country Putts have been; stupid as we are thought to be, we can feel, and even see when we are play’d off. Let the Legerdemain be never so dextrous, believe me, we can see through it.

_Over_. We don’t forget how Sir _Bob_ used to fly thro’ the Hoops, when he was press’d hard. He wou’d shift the Pack off his own, to cast it on _nobler_ Shoulders.——The Cheat is stale, it won’t pass now.

_Blunt_. It won’t indeed. We know very well what it means to have a Thing go thro’ glibly below, when it is settled before hand, that it shall be stifled in its Flight. Mr. _Broadbottom_, you know my Meaning; and you know too what you have often promised, if ever you should come into Play, that you would promote the use of _Tacking_, when nothing else would do.

_Smooth_. I am sorry that the Head of a considerable Corporation, should give so great Room for suspecting his Loyalty, as to wish for the postponing the _Supplies_ in time of War.

_Blunt_. I am more sorry to see a Principal of any Corporation, a Sycophant, and Time-server. Mr. _Smoothwell_, you may or may not excuse my plain Dealing, as you please. Pray Sir, why might not the _Redress_ go Hand in Hand with the _Supply_? Is a Million the less a Million for being wrapt up in the same Paper or Parchment with a _Triennial_, or effectual Place and _Pension_ Bills? Might not Votes of _Credit_ and Votes of _Inquiry_ be very naturally blended together? Would it swell the public Debts, if a secret and special C——ee were appointed to inspect the _Debts_ of the Nation?

Sir _John_. And the _State_ of the Nation too, Mr. Mayor. I have always lamented the Want of such a C——ee. It could not fail, if well chosen, to answer every good End proposed by a National Enquiry.

_Over_. Brave, upright old Man! have you not seen _Pharsalia_? What have we got by the late E——y into dextrous _Bob_’s Conduct?

_Blunt_. A _Proof_ that he ought to be shorten’d by the——

_Over_. And pray, how would you have those _worthy Men_ serv’d, who condescended to let us have a Sight of that precious _Half-proof_, and not an Inch farther?

_Blunt_. As they deserved——

_Over_. Mum for that——Gad! _Blunt_, I thought you too sincere for Caution and Circumspection.

_Rose_. As much as to say, you thought his Worship no wiser than he shou’d be. Ha, ha!

_Over_. As much as I should think a Time-server to be an honest Man.

_Blunt_. Heed him not, Mr. _Overall_, he would set you and I together by the Ears, but he shan’t have his Ends. (_Looking on his Watch_.) Bless us! how insensibly Time passes in good Company.—Mr. _Broadbottom_, at what Hour shall we meet in the Town-Hall? the sooner the better, for fear of Accidents.

_Broad_. Of Opposition, you mean——I have heard of no new Candidate.

_Blunt_. I hope there will be no Candidate but yourself; and tho’ I believe you’ll meet with no Opposition, expect not to be re-elected without Bustle and Murmur. The Freemen are not quite pleased with your late Conduct. They think you, and some others, have been too hasty and partial in your Distribution of Places——

_Broad_. They quite mistake the Thing, the _Distribution_ was not of our making.

Sir _John_. I am sorry to hear of so shameful an Error. Were you sensible of the _Necessity_ some Men were driven to; and of your own _Usefulness_, and yet have no Share in the Settlement of the main Article of the Coalition? I wish you may not live to repent you of your Indolence or Timidity.

_Broad_. Timidity! Sir _John_.

Sir _John_. Yes, in Truth. I am not afraid to tell you, that you betrayed either too much _Timidity_, or too strong an Appetite for Employments, when you could make no better a Bargain for your Party, or obtain no absolute positive Assurances that the _Redress_ should go Hand in Hand with the _Supply_. Are we to bleed for ever? Are we never to taste of Cordials?

_Over_. Our Doctors think that _Bitters_ sit best on our English Stomachs.

Sir _John_. _Bitters_ are of a hot Nature; the _Prescribers_ should take Care, that a too constant use of them may not _inflame_ the Blood too much.

_Over_. They have provided beforehand a Remedy against such an Evil.——A good many Thousands in _Red_, will cure an Inflammation presently.

Sir _John_. They may, by Amputation, if in some of the _Limbs_ only; but should ever Poverty, Oppression, or Despair, force the Inflammation into the _Body_ and Bowels, I doubt the Surgeons in _Red_ would not find the Cure so very easy. But I hope our Friends, few as they are, will find some Means of perswading their fellow Practicers to drop their _Bitters_, and put their Patients on a Course of _Alteratives_.

_Smooth_. Sir _John_, we all wish for Cordials and Restoratives; we own they are wanting; but I am afraid a Time of War and Confusion is not the proper Season for administering them.

Sir _John_. I am much more afraid, Mr. _Smoothwell_, that you have learnt a Language newly imported from _Court_. _Confusion_, if you mean here at Home, there is none; and as for the _War_, I don’t think it wou’d or cou’d go on more ingloriously and scandalously than it has since the Commencement of it, should our State Physicians alter their Practice.

_Blunt_. Scandalously as it has been conducted, it has cost us more than the most successful and best managed War.

_Over_. Our last _Foraging_ Campaign stood us dearer than that of _Blenheim_; and shou’d we have one or two more such parading Summers, to pot goes the _Sinking Fund_.

Sir _John_. I shudder at the Thoughts of _re-mortgaging_ that only Hope we had of seeing one Day our Trade and Industry exonerated from the Clogs that oppress them. The _Fund_, which should be sacred, has been too often made free with; but the Incroachments upon the Purpose of it being temporary only, it had no very bad Effect; whereas the Case would be otherwise, should they be perpetual.

_Blunt_. And because it will have that ruinous Consequence, you’ll see violent unhallow’d Hands laid on that darling Hopes of our People.

_Over_. Why the D——l don’t our Sages give Lotteries of six Millions, instead of six hundred Thousand? There are Fools enough in _England_ to fill them.

Sir _John_. Another destructive Way of raising the Supplies. There is no Method more injurious to Trade than Lotteries in general; but when managed as our late ones have been, they become essentially a public Nusance.

_Blunt_. You mean the _sharing_ out Tickets and Chances?

Sir _John_. I do. Never was any Invention more destructive of Industry. The poor _Industrious_, whom it is the Policy of all Nations to cherish and encourage, are by this _sharing Traffick_, exposed to inevitable Destruction. Who but the Poor will buy an Eighth or _Sixteenth_ of the Chance of a Ticket? The Rich will deal in whole Tickets; but ’tis the poor Industrious only that ruin themselves to be in Luck’s Way, as they term it. ’tis this poor but useful Class of the People only, that game at 30 _per Cent_. more Disadvantage than the richer Drones. No Temptation should be thrown in the Way of the Industrious; but on the Contrary, all hurtful Incentives should be removed. If you will tempt them to the Hazard Table, let them play upon the Square. Bring the Price of Tickets down to their Level; and let not the Jews, Sharpers, and Drones of the Nation be permitted to make a Property of them. But why might not the Sums raised the two last Years by way of Lottery, be as well brought into the _Exchequer_ by any other Means?

_Over_. But no Means would so effectually draw off the Attention of the Public from our Misery and impending Danger. And whatever some idle Folks may think, they tell me ’tis one of the principal _Arcana’s_ of the Cabinet, to contrive artfully, that is imperceptibly, to draw off the public _Attention_ from the Conduct of _Superiors_. You can’t conceive how close and out of Sight these State Spiders spin their Webs.

Sir _John_. But I can very well conceive that the People have Arms long and strong enough to reach and sweep those Webs clear away whenever they will.

_Over_. Ah! Sir _John_, where have the People you brag so much of, hid their Brooms and Brushes for many Years past?

_Blunt_. Behind the Clouds of _Corruption_ and _Hypocrisy_, where they are like to remain much longer, or I am mistaken.

_Broad_. Mr. _Blunt_, it gives me a Concern to see you continue your Diffidence of your best Friends. You shall find, that neither _Corruption_ nor _Hypocrisy_ will stand in the Nation’s Way to Happiness, if those whom you deem _England_’s Friends can help it.

Sir _John_. As Jealousy is said to spring from Love, _Diffidence_ may be said to be founded in Friendship. Mr. _Blunt_ hopes he has no Reason to suspect your _Intention_, but dreads you have put it out of your Power to serve the Public. You may have perceived, Mr. _Broadbottom_, during the whole Conversation, that your Friends apprehend this _Coalition_ as you call it, or _Ingraftment_ as we express it, will answer no Purpose of the People, who groan under the pressure of heavy Taxes, a vast Debt, Decay of Trade, the Yoke of Penal Laws, and those worst Y——s of all, the _Septennial_ and the Corruption of their ——s. In short, they dread your being over-reach’d by your more experienc’d Partners, or rather your being jostled out of the Course, by the abler Jockeys of the C——t. If you wou’d serve your Constituents in your present Situation, you must act with Caution.——

_Blunt_. With _Honesty_, you should say rather. What Caution is necessary in answering the Hopes of the People? They desire but what is absolutely for their Safety. They expect no more than has been often solemnly promised them. And sure a Man that intends to be as good as his Word need not pick out every Step of his Way.

_Over_. The Ground about C——t, they say, is d——d slippery.

_Blunt_. And for that Reason I would not have had our Friends get upon it before they had secured their Footing there. See what is become of the late infamous _Deserters_ for want of such Precaution.

Sir _John_. Let us draw no invidious Inferences from the Examples of a Crew that are now as despicable as they are odious to the whole Nation. A Crew that can’t claim even the Merit of being intentionally upright. They did not so much as attempt keeping Faith with the People.

_Over_. But they kept it religiously with the _Barn_ Keeper.

_Blunt_. I can’t say who was to be _indulged_ by the War, but sure I am the Weight of it is grievously felt all over the Body politic.——Mr. _Broadbottom_, you have been lately at Court, pray what do they think there of the War? Are we like to get out of it with Honour? in short, are we like to get out of it at all?

_Over_. Out of it at all!——The D——l, you would not have us serve an Apprenticeship to the War, as we do to our P——ts?

Sir _John_. If it be no better manag’d than it has been hitherto, I don’t see why this War might not last much longer than seven Years.

_Over_. I’ll tell you why it can’t, because we shan’t be able to maintain it so long. By mortgaging the _Sinking Fund_ we may hold out three or four Years pretty tolerably; but after that, souse we go to _Mint_ or _State-bills_ at 50 _per Cent_. Discount, as in France in old _Lewis_ XIV. his Days.

_Rose_. Gentlemen, however, will consider, that we can’t get out of the War as easily as out of an Assembly Room in the Times of our Horse Races.

Sir _John_. I am sure it would be towering Madness to continue it on the same Footing it has been carried on hitherto. The _Dutch_ should come in for a full equal Proportion of the Expence, or I would not have a Red-coat left in _Flanders_.

_Blunt_. Let the Cheesemongers look to their Barrier and be d——n’d, if they don’t come down Guinea for Guinea, and Shilling for Shilling with us towards preserving it.

_Over_. _Blunt_, if you would curse the _Dutch_ effectually, you must wish them undamm’d.

_Blunt_. Damn’d or undamm’d let ’em be, before Old _England_ wades out of her Depths to hold them up by the Chin.

_Broad_. Let us hope for the best. They may hear Reason, they may see their Interest when painted by so masterly a Hand as is now intrusted with the Pencil.

Sir _John_. If Wit, Eloquence, Politeness, Frankness and Integrity, could move a _Dutchman_, I should not doubt of that great Man’s Success; but as nothing but _Self-interest_ can engage either his Heart or Attention, I fear his L——p won’t be able to persuade that _selfish_ People to think it for their Interest to declare War against _France_ and _Spain_ at the critical Time that we are at Variance with those Crowns. We are to consider this Juncture as the Harvest Season of the _Dutch_. All the Markets we are shut out from by the War, are open to them by a Neutrality. But what I believe weighs not a little with them, is, that they dread embarking with us ever since they perceived that the Views of our Statesmen have tended more towards _H——r_ than _England_. ’Tis that observable Bias to a _Foreign Interest_ that will deter the _States-General_, if my Lord _C——_ does not succeed in his Embassy.

_Broad_. Perhaps they may conceive better Hopes from the new Administration.

Sir _John_. Perhaps they might, had the Administration been _new_. But as it is no more than an old Garment patch’d with new Cloth, I fear the _Dutch_ will hardly alter their Plan on any Assurances such a motley M——y can give them. They may think, and perhaps too truly, that the same Measures will be follow’d, the same _Interest_ be pursued, since the Majority, and the chief in Office of the A——n, are of the old Stamp. And they as truly may think, that neither Harmony nor Success can attend Counsels jarring between two different separate _Interests_. While the Interest of _H——r_ clashes with that of _England_, we must neither expect Harmony with the _Dutch_, nor Success in our Wars.

_Over_. Nor in any thing else, I think. Would to God we could join that precious _Manor_ to the _Orcades_, or send it adrift to _Lapland_ or the _North Cape_.

_Blunt_. Since we can do neither, would to God our Statesmen would shew themselves to be _Englishmen_!

_Over_. Since we are got in the praying Strain, let us all pray that our _new_ M——y, or at least those lately _ingrafted_ upon the _old_, may not become as arrant _H——ns_ as their grafted Predecessors, the late _Deserters_. Let us all say, _Amen_.

_FINIS_.

● Transcriber’s Notes: ○ Missing or obscured punctuation was silently corrected. ○ Typographical errors were silently corrected. ○ Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation were made consistent only when a predominant form was found in this book. ○ Text that was in italics is enclosed by underscores (_italics_).