Part 1

_CHRISTMAS CHAT:_

OR,

OBSERVATIONS

On the Late

CHANGE at COURT,

On the different

Characters of the INS and OUTS;

And on the

Present STATE of PUBLICK AFFAIRS.

A

_DIALOGUE_

Spoke at the Country Seat of one of the _New Ministry_, in the late Holy Days, the Day before his Re-election;

_BETWEEN_

Mr. BROADBOTTOM, Mr. OVERALL, Mr. ROSEBAND, Sir JOHN PROBEUM, Mr. SMOOTHWELL, & Mr. BLUNT.

__LONDON__:

Printed for M. COOPER, at the Globe in _Paternoster Row_; 1745.

_CHRISTMAS CHAT:_

OR,

OBSERVATIONS

On the Late

CHANGE at COURT,

A

_DIALOGUE_

_Broadbottom_, Sir _John Probeum_, _Overall_, _Roseband_, _Blunt_, and _Smoothwell_, sitting round a Table at _Broadbottom’s_ House.

_Overall_.

TRUCE with Politics, I beseech you, Gentlemen.——I gad! ’tis unconscionable to lecture a Man thus at his own House.

_Broadbottom_. By no means, Mr. _Overall_; I look upon the Freedom with which my worthy Neighbours here treat me, as an Instance of their Friendship and Regard.

_Roseband_. There spoke the Christian and Man of sound Understanding——

_Over_. Pshaw! P—x! What have we Fox-hunters to do with sound Understandings?——Give me a sound Bottom, Parson, and you are welcome to keep your Christianity and sound Understanding for your next _Christmas_ Conversation. Ha, ha!

_Blunt_. Right, Mr. _Overall_; I say a sound Bottom too.

_Over_. Come, Gentlemen, let the Toast go round.——To all sound Bottoms—No Affront, I hope, to any one here.——What say’st thou, honest _Blunt_?

_Blunt_. I say, the Vicar need not make those d——d wry Faces at Toasting the best Thing in Nature.——You have been paying Homage for twenty Years to a _Broadbottom_, and now winch at the naming a _Sound_ one.——Ah! Mr. _Roseband_; the _Jesuit_ sticks to the Cloth in _England_ as at _Rome_.

_Smoothwell_. Why so, Mr. _Blunt_? The Words _Sound Bottom_ convey an Idea which Mr. _Roseband_ might wish not to conceive.

_Blunt_. And pray, good Mr. _Smoothwell_, what is there of indecent or unseemly in the Idea conceived at the mention of those two harmless Words, _Sound_ and _Bottom_?

_Over_. Wou’d a reverend Divine wish to be put in Mind of the Days of his Youth? Ha, ha!—— Mr. _Blunt_, had you been bred at _Oxford_, as the Doctor was, you wou’d have known that all are not _Sound_ that grace _Magdalen_ Walks on a Summer’s Evening. Ha, ha!

Sir _John_. Mr. _Roseband_, you must not mind the Fox-hunter; you know his Way; he treats his Friends as freely as he wishes they would treat him.

_Rose_. I believe so, Sir _John_, and therefore am in full Charity with Mr. _Overall_. But I can’t so readily digest my Neighbour _Blunt_’s coupling the _English_ Vicar with the _Romish_ Jesuit.

_Blunt_. In their Politics only; as for Religion, I leave that to the great Searcher of Hearts.

_Over_. Ah, dear _Blunt_! how many modern Hearts will bear a Search?

_Blunt_. Ask Mr. _Broadbottom_; he was last at Court.

_Broad_. I was so, Mr. _Blunt_, but you know I am but a late Comer there.

_Blunt_. Perhaps it had been as well for yourself and your Country, if you had not come there at all.—— You’ll excuse my Bluntness, Mr. _Broadbottom_, you know I speak freely to those I wish well.

_Broad_. I know your Worth, and thank you for your Freedom.

_Blunt_. I hope you do, because I mean to continue and deserve your Friendship, if you continue your Country’s Friend at Court.——To be plain with you, Mr. _Broadbottom_, I am not altogether reconciled to the critical _Time_ and _Manner_ of your going to Court. ’tis an infectious Air, against which _Abstinence_ alone is the Specific.

_Over_. ’Sflesh! _Blunt_, you don’t expect your late worthy Member, who so often cram’d your Brother Aldermen and yourself with Ham and Chicken, would keep Lent at Court?

_Blunt_. Let him but abstain from entering into any Covenants, and he may swill as much as he will of his Majesty’s Old-Hock.

_Broad_. Covenants! What Covenants do you suppose, should be expected from me?

_Blunt_. The direct contrary of those you entered into with our Corporation at your last Election.——Perhaps, you forget them.——Shall I refresh your Memory?

_Broad_. You need not. I am come down to make you fresh Assurances of serving my Country to the utmost of my Power.

_Blunt_. I know you are come down to be re-elected; and that this Company have been invited here to-day, to receive your Excuses for your late Acceptance of an Employment.—

_Smooth_. Mr. _Blunt_, your Corporation could not expect that their Representative would never accept of a Place under the Crown; therefore what Excuses has the Gentleman to make?

_Blunt_. More, I fear, than you can make for him with all your Quirks of Law. If he accepted of a Post without any Salvo, and forgets that he has a Post whenever he is to vote in Parliament, I will then say that he needs not make Excuses for going to Court.

Sir _John_. Ay, Mr. _Blunt_, provided my worthy Neighbour, _Broadbottom_, turns not a mere _Courtier_, by going to Court, he shall have all our Consents to stay at Court and rise there.

_Blunt_. A Man may rise in the Army and Navy, and meritoriously; but what dirty Work must a Man trudge thro’ to rise at Court?

_Over_. Why should a Man be obliged to do more servile Work at Court than in the Church, where we see the Learned and Pious rise, and are translated every Day?——I expect my good Friend here, Mr. _Roseband_, to rise to a Deanery soon, now his Patron has taken a Stride to Court.

Sir _John_. And shou’d Mr. _Broadbottom_ rise at Court, as I doubt not he will if he continues there longer than the present Session of Parliament; why might not my reverend Neighbour here, rise from the Deanery to a Mitre?

_Broad_. Sir _John_, you have been always my Friend; so have you Mr. _Blunt_. Gentlemen, you are all of you my Friends, and as such—have a Right to examine my late Conduct. I have accepted of a Place, ’tis true, without consulting you; but hope in so doing, not to have forfeited the good Opinion which I flatter myself you always entertain’d of me.

Sir _John_. Since we are, and you think us your Friends, ’tis fit we should deal with you like Friends. To be plain with you, Mr. _Broadbottom_, we here in the Country, who wish well to our King and the Nation, think ourselves justify’d in conceiving a Jealousy of the Nature, Time and Manner of the late or rather the present Change in the Ministry. I will explain myself.—— ’tis not so properly a _Change_ of, as an _Ingraftment_ upon the Ministry. Supposing the few of your Party that are brought _in_, were to continue as honest and sincere, as those _Deserters_, who made room for them, were disingenuous and self-interested; what can you do against Numbers? What Success can poor _England_ expect from the Endeavours of so few?

_Broad_. But, Sir _John_, you forget that the Opposition grew.

Sir _John_. No, Sir, I don’t forget that Opposition founded on virtuous Principles will always grow. But what _Opposition_ can you expect to grow in a Court? You late Comers there are but the Tail of the Administration. Can you direct the Head and Body? Must it not move as they direct, or be lopt off? What will Opposition in Council avail, where the Majority will be so great against you? And as for Opposition in P——t, there will be none, there can be none. The late _Deserters_, who are now flung out, should they grumble and oppose, no Creature living will adhere to them that has a Drachm of either Sense or Virtue. And by the present Scheme, you who were late Leaders of Opposition, are taken off, and consequently all Opposition ceases. I wish I may be mistaken; but, methinks, I see a Scheme, and the artfullest and deepest that ever was laid in this Nation, now put in Execution.

_Over_. How, Sir _John_! a Scheme deeper than the _Excise_?

_Blunt_. Or last Year’s _Invasion_, which produced such Chearfulness in granting more Millions than ever were granted in any one Session before?

_Rose_. Or the late Sir _R——t_’s Scheme for securing his own Retreat?

_Blunt_. Retreat! Do you think it a Retreat for a Man to quit the Stage to go behind the Curtain, where he sets all the Puppets in Motion?

Sir _John_. He does so; and this is not the least Adroit of his Motions. All the present Ministry, the late small _Engraftment_ excepted, are his known Creatures. They were most of them of his own bringing up, and of course act by his Directions.

_Broad_. But, Sir _John_, how shall we be affected by his Motions? I hope you don’t suppose he will be able to influence us New comers, as you call us, however he may direct his Pupils.

Sir _John_. I hope he won’t; but I’ll answer for it, he does not now matter whether he can or no. He has lull’d you into a Stupor, and having unperceptibly depriv’d you of your Sting, you are no longer the terrible Men you appeared to the Court some time ago.

_Over_. They are now become the _Drones_ of the Hive; ha, ha!

Sir _John_. They are really no better. Pardon me, Mr. _Broadbottom_, if I think the Epithet fits all you who are brought in to countenance Measures the Nation disapproves of——

_Blunt_. To colour an ignominious Peace, which is thought to be on the Anvil, because the late Conduct of our Superiors renders a Peace of any kind absolutely necessary.

_Over_. And to be kick’d out again as soon as those dirty Ends are answered, which they were introduc’d to promote: Gad, Brother Foxhunter, I should not care to be _rump’d_ after I had said _yea_ and _nay_ as directed. You see what End the late Patriot _Pretenders_ are come to. —— Z—ns Man! fall not, like those Coxcombs, ’tween two Stools.

Sir _John_. There lies the Depth of the present Scheme, which is but the second Part of the late. The late _Deserters_, as they are justly call’d, saw not that they were digging Pits for themselves, while they were bargaining to drop their Party for Places at Court. What better, Mr _Broadbottom_, have you been lately doing for yourself? If you answer the _Purpose_ of your being taken into the Ministry, supposing it disagreeable to the Nation, you are irrecoverably lost in the Opinion of all who esteem’d you before; and of consequence will be no better than a Drone all your Life long.

_Broad_. Pray, Sir _John_, why will you suppose the _Purpose_ of the Ministry to be disagreeable to the Nation?

Sir _John_. Because I have known in my Time but very few, if any Ministerial _Purposes_ that deserv’d public Approbation.

_Broad_. You would not have us be against the Continuance of the War, till an honourable Peace can be obtain’d?

_Smooth_. Nor against the Support of the War while it continues.

_Rose_. Nor against such a Peace, as the Success of the War may intitle us to.

Sir _John_. So! the Lessons are already put by Heart.

_Over_. Why not? you forget how apt Lawyers and Divines are to learn. Ha, ha!

_Blunt_. And Patriots too, when once they creep within the Palace Gates.

_Broad_. Mr. _Blunt_, I am well acquainted with the Uprightness of your Heart. You love me, and therefore fear I am to be deluded from my Duty to my Country by the Allurements of a Post. But let me intreat my Friends to suppress their Fears till the End of the Session.

_Blunt_. I should not wonder by the End of the present Session, or at least before the Beginning of the next, to see you and your Brethren reduced to your primitive Nakedness. Of what Use can you be, after you grant all the Court wants, and reject or throw cold Water on every Motion for the Benefit of the Nation?

Sir _John_. Motion for the Benefit of the Nation, said you! Who will make such a Motion? Or if made, who will support it? Neighbour _Blunt_, I don’t wonder that you, who never sat in Parliament, should mistake the Nature of _Motions_ made there; but I, who represented your Borough in my younger Days, am able from my Experience to inform you, that no important _Motion_ of public Benefit will be made this Session; or, if fortuitously made, will be seconded. The different Parties in the House, and Parties with different Views there always were and will be, are led by a _few_, who may be said to direct all the Operations of the Session. Among that _few_, there is generally some one or two who are permitted to take the Lead in all Deliberations, and from thence may be said to direct the whole. Supposing then that the Court should find means to take off not only that _one_, or those _two_ or _three_, but all the Chiefs or Directors of an Opposition at the Beginning of a Session, how can it be expected that any Motions of Moment will be made? or, as I said before, if made will be seconded? All Motions to be made, that are of consequence, are first projected by the Leaders, and communicated and recommended at their private Meetings and Clubs. But strip the Party of such Leaders, before they have Time to make, or even resolve on a new Choice of Chiefs, and there is an End of all such necessary and usual Communications and Recommendations, and probably of the very Meetings antecedent to them. In time, a new Set of Leaders may arise, but there must be Proof of their Truth and Abilities before they can acquire the necessary Confidence; and such Proof is not produced hastily.

_Over_. Right, old Sportsman. It must be _Truth_ and _Time_ that acquire the Captains of Foxhounds the Confidence of the Pack.

_Smooth_. Mr. _Overall_, you might have spared your Comparison of Foxhounds and Members of Parliament.

_Rose_. Nor is Sir _John_’s Doctrine of _Motions_ less seasonable or pertinent.

_Blunt_. Decent Mr. _Smoothwell_, and you cautious Mr. _Roseband_, when are apt Comparisons to be made or necessary, and seasonable Truths to be spoken, unless it be on such an Occasion, and at such a Time as the present?

_Over_. See how these Law-and-Gospel-Mongers would debar a Freeborn from the Privilege of expostulating with the Man to whom he is going to delegate his Life, Liberty and Fortune!—— Z—ds, _Broadbottom_, sure you are not already become so rank a Courtier, as to have retained the Vicar of your Parish, and the Steward of your Manors, to padlock the friendly Lips of your plain and upright Neighbours?

_Broad_. Far be it from me to endeavour preventing the Expostulations of my Friends. I have always asked the Opinion of my Constituents in all Matters of Moment, since I have been in Parliament, and hope they will admit that I have not misused the Trust committed to me.

Sir _John_. Sir, we believ’d you a true _Englishman_; at least, let me speak for myself, I did so, or I had not given you so often my Vote and Interest to represent your Country in Parliament: And I confess, that by all that appears, you have honourably discharged the Trust reposed in you. But, Sir, the good Opinion I have had of you, and even that which I entertain of you at present, are no such Securities for your future Conduct, considering the present State of Affairs, as should efface all Traces of Doubt and Jealousy out of my Mind. You are a Man, and as such, are not exempt from _Selfishness_, a Passion which Ministers never fail to sooth and gratify. I may believe you mean well; but can’t help dreading your suffering yourself to be _sweeten’d_ from your good Intentions.

_Broad_. Sir _John_, your Concern for my future Conduct speaks the Sincerity of your Friendship, and I am therefore the more oblig’d to you. But methinks the known Probity and Honour of those Men we join in the Administration might lay your Doubts and Jealousies concerning my Behaviour for the Time to come.

Sir _John_. I have nothing to do with the private _Probity_ and _Honour_ of any Gentleman; but, Sir, if you expect I should think as favourably of those that have lately invited you to associate with them, as you seem to do, you are grossly mistaken. You differ in Opinion concerning those Gentlemen, whom you now seem to applaud, not only with me, but with yourself. What have those _most deserving Men_ done of late to acquire your good Opinion? It was but just before you went up to the first Meeting of the present Session, that you heartily joined Mr. _Blunt_ and myself, in condemning the _Passiveness_ of all those whom you now associate with and praise. What have they done for the Public since, or ever before, that should endear them to you or any true _Englishman_? Was Sir _R—— W——_’s whole Administration obnoxious to the Majority of the Nation? was it injurious to all? did not those you now are _grafted_ upon, concur with him in all his Measures? were they not most of them, the Creatures of his Power? were not the chief of them his Pupils, train’d up in all his Arts and Wiles? are they not of his rearing? are they not distinguishable at this very Hour by his Stamp?

_Blunt_. By this Scheme of _Ingraftment_ it plainly appears, that if they don’t wear his Livery in View, they wear it under their upper Garments.

_Over_. So that Sir _Brass_, like his Employer, still has his cloven Foot in all our Affairs.

_Blunt_. As sure as this new-devised _Ingraftment_ will ruin all our _Affairs_, unless the _Projector_ and his _Disciples_ will be so humble as to submit to be led by the Few they have called in to help steer the Bark in a Storm.

Sir _John_. And what was it but their own servile _Passiveness_ that had occasion’d the _Storm_ which they now endeavour to quell by the Help of Mr. _Broadbottom_ and his Brethren in the late Opposition? What could the late fallen _Minister_, of whom they affect to complain as the Author of all our Calamities; what could that _Phaeton_, I say, have done, had he not been supported by those who now affect to quit rather than draw with him? Had not they the Power of the _Purse_? had not they in that and every other Respect, the Means of tying up that _Adventurer_’s Hands from hurting his Country, if they would? Yes, Mr. _Broadbottom_, those Men you now venerate so much, had the _Power_, but they wanted the _Will_. And what was it but that fundamental, primary Ingredient in the Composition of some Men, _Selfishness_, which induced those Men to misuse the Power they then had?

_Rose_. By your Leave, Sir _John_, tho’ the late Minister, the _Phaeton_, as you call him, may have misused his Power; I don’t see why these Gentlemen who _remain_ in the Administration should be involved in his Guilt.

_Over_. Smoke the Parson, Gentlemen; mind how cautiously he treads on _Jack’s_ Heels.——_May have misused his Power!_ How gently he touches the Sore! Then again, the charitable _Man can’t see the least Speck of Gall_ in the _Doves_ that have thrust _Jack_ from the _Barn Door_.

_Blunt_. Ah! Mr. _Overall_, that _Barn_ has made many an honest Man otherwise.

Sir _John_. I don’t think it so, Mr. Mayor; a Man truly Honest is no more to be corrupted than a Woman truly Chast. But as it is she only who is a Whore in her Heart that can be defiled, so is it he only who is a Rogue in his Heart, that can be warped from his Integrity.

_Over_. Gad, Sir _John_, I should be glad to know where your _truly Honest_ Men and _truly Chast_ Ladies grow. For in my poor Observation, I knew but one Man and one Woman that truly deserved the Epithet.

_Smooth_. Your Mother was the precious Exception of one Sex.——Ha, ha!

_Rose_. And his pious _Dad_ the other.——Ha, ha!

_Over_. Neither; among the Men, _Jack_ the late M—r was the Exception, because he was the only Minister that ever I heard or read of, who had the _Honesty_ to pretend to _none_. And among the Fair, Madame _V—te_, who held out till her H—d commanded her and conducted her himself to the Arms of her Lover.

_Omnes_. Ha, ha!

Sir _John_. I say nothing of the Aptness of your Exception among the Fair; but really, Mr. _Overall_, you have hit it off in regard to the other Sex. The late M—r was a Prodigy in his Way. I won’t say that I ever knew a less virtuous Minister, but I will, that I never knew one made less Pretensions to Virtue.

_Broad_. He courted Virtue as he did Applause.

Sir _John_. And was he not the Honester, for not pretending to that he resolved not to practise, and for not courting that which he knew he did not deserve? But what better Pretensions have they, who, as my Friend Mr. _Overall_ terms it, thrust him from the _Barn Door_, to either Virtue or Applause? Did they not give a Sanction to all his Measures? Were not they Partners of his Guilt? And more, were they not the Partners of his Predecessor’s Guilt? Had the late Minister shewn less Contempt for them; had he wore more the Appearance of Modesty, or had more Deference for their Opinions; had he seem’d to draw with them; had he not ingross’d solely to himself the _Distribution_ of the Court _Manna_: Had he, in short, shared with his Fellow Ministers the vast Emoluments arising from the Distribution of the _Secret-Service_ Money, I fancy we should never have heard of the present unnatural _Ingraftment_.

_Broad_. Since you will have it an _Ingraftment_ rather than a _Coalition_, it shall be so; but why should it be an unnatural _Ingraftment_?

_Over_. Why indeed? Don’t we see _Non-pareilles_ and _Golden Pippins_ daily grafted on _Crabs_, and yet thrive? Ha, ha!

Sir _John_. Yes, Mr. _Overall_; because they are all nourished by their common Parent, the Earth; and the _Crab-Tree_ is a Channel only for the Nurture to pass thro’. In this Case, the Earth, from whence both Species receive Nourishment, remains pure and uninfected; the _Crab_ has no more Influence than the _Pippin_. But can we suppose the Parity will hold in the other Case? The old _Standards_ in the Administration ingross the _Soil_: The _ingrafted Shoots_ shall have no more Communication with it, than their elder Brethren shall be pleased to permit.

_Rose_. I am sorry to see all Sir _John_’s Observations tinctured with Uncharitableness. Why should the old _Standards_, as you call those that remain of the late Ministry, infect the Soil, by which I suppose the —— is meant, any more than the _ingrafted Shoots_ or new Comers?

Sir _John_. The _new Comers_, for aught I know, wou’d be as arrant Courtiers, as supple Fawners in time, as the old _Standards_ themselves, had they equal Opportunity. But my Life for’t, the _Ingrafted_ will be kept at Arms Length from the Royal Ear.

_Broad_. I hope not, Sir _John_; those we join are Men of Honour; and they assure us of going Hand in Hand with us——

_Blunt_. To raise the _Supplies_.

_Over_. And screen Delinquents.

Sir _John_. Will they join, think you, in National Parsimony, in the Encouragement of Trade and Industry, and the Discouragement of Venality and Corruption? Will they join in repealing those Laws which affect _Freedom_, and in lessening the vast Power accruing to the Crown from the great Weight of our Debts and Taxes, by the Distribution of civil Employments? Will they join——

_Blunt_. Yes, Sir _John_, in fleecing the Nation to fill their own Pockets, and gratify Mr. _Nameless_.

_Over_. That same _Nameless_ must have an excellent _Digestion_; and sure his necessary Woman must have golden Days of it; for without doubt, he who swallows so much _Gold_ must sh—t a great deal of the Metal.—— But I forget that _H——_ is the _Close-stool_, where all the precious Excrement centers.

_Blunt_. And but _One_, on this Side the Water, has a Key to that valuable Repository.

_Rose_. For Cleanliness of Conversation, commend me to you both, Gentlemen.

_Over_. And for doubling and time-serving, commend me to Gownsmen.