Part 4

“Tuhel with that!” retorted the Major of the other side, “we’re not crossing it, can’t you see we are swimming the dang river?”

* * * * *

Let’s Now Sing

I love a lassie, She’s naughty, but, She’s classy.

* * * * *

The Morning Mail

When we were in the army we used to read “The Daily Undershirt.”

* * * * *

A woman’s beauty is always a liability, although at times considered a big asset.

_Classified Ads_

We’ll Take the Solar System

(From the L. A. Times)

Personal—Lady 26, quiet, traveled, experienced in business or will assume domestic work for opportunity in music and art. Prefer aged person financially able who would appreciate ray of sunshine. Address MP.

* * * * *

One “Bier” Makes a Jolly Party

(Cuba City, Wis., News-Herald)

An auto load of Benton girls, consisting of the Hunter sisters, Miss Calvert, Miss Ayer, and another one, attended the funeral Tuesday, and put in the rest of the time fishing, etc. They had a jolly fine time.

* * * * *

Gus is a Good Ex-Farmer

(From the Peoria Journal)

Would like acquaintance of good business man or a young farmer, like one with car, for pastime and results. Address C. A., care Star.

* * * * *

It’s Quite Cool Now at Breezy Point

(Adv. of Chicago Beach Hotel)

Patrons not wearing bathing suits will find the cafe very comfortable.

* * * * *

Has Your Wife Gone to the Country?

(From the Denver Post)

Caring neither for life, limb or anything, I will consider any proposition you may have, regardless of what it may be; must earn money; do anything; go anywhere; fear nothing; answers confidential. I need money. Will go the limit to get it.

* * * * *

One at a Time

Years ago when W. A. McConnell was manager of the Brooklyn theater he had a pet parrot which was kept in the box office. During a “big run” the ticket seller was wont to say, “Get in line, please; one at a time, one at a time, gentlemen.”

The bird escaped one afternoon, and McConnell commissioned some boys to find it, which they did on an old tree in a nearby park, where several crows were making its feathers fly. McConnell asked if the bird said anything and the leader of the boys replied: “Yes, he said, ‘Get in line, please; one at a time, one at a time, gentlemen.’”

* * * * *

We Should Worry

The porch was dark. The hour was late. The couple sat whispering among the shadows.

“Mary,” called a voice, “it’s time for you to come in.”

No movement.

“Come in, Mary.”

Still no movement.

He asked: “Don’t you mind your mother?”

“Not unless you do, Jimmy.”

* * * * *

Here’s Lookin’ Atchew!

Boy—“What is a grass widow?”

Father—“A woman whose husband died with the hay fever.”

* * * * *

Something to Worry About

Among the things you read about but never see is a crease in a fat man’s trousers.

* * * * *

“Along the Road”

I walked a mile with Pleasure; She chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow And ne’er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her When Sorrow walked with me!

* * * * *

Broadway’s Leg Lane

(From New York Times)

HOMELESS HUSBANDS—If you want a friend, a pal—a WIFE!—look for one like the Lonely Lady in BEAUTY AND NICK. Such as she is rarely to be found in this, the age of sex and shekels—surely not in the endless procession of poppy-painted dames and damsels, young as youth, wrinkled as an O’Shanter witch; all with skirts so tight as to make them goat-gaited; so short that these bogus beauties have turned the most beautiful Avenue of the world into a mere leg lane—a free rival of the sash-clad ladies of a Broadway burlesque.

* * * * *

These Were the Good Old Days

“Step up, boys! Ladies not allowed! See for yourself. And we all paid the two bits and saw a jackass.”

* * * * *

Let me introduce myself. My name is Sol.

Any relation to Lysol?

No, Ingersoll. Watch me!

* * * * *

Torch Pulls This One

It’s a long road that has no roadhouse.

_Our Rural Mail Box_

=_Bridget_=—Better put on your woolen socks, Bridget, or you will catch cold in your lungs.

* * * * *

=_Andy Gump_=—A continuous buzzing noise in your ears is not always a sign of serious mental trouble, or any other illness. It is probably the first indication that your wife needs a new hat.

* * * * *

=_Sweet Marie_=—You are mistaken, Marie. The Scottish Highlanders are not members of the Middlesex Regiment.

* * * * *

=_Weeping Winnie_=—Cheer up, Winnie. You are overdosed on pessimism and, in retrospection, I feel sure you have presented a very sad aspect to the cynics of humanity.

* * * * *

=_Queen Liz_=—Your singing lessons may keep the wolf away from the door, ’tis true, if the wolf hears you.

* * * * *

=_“You can’t pick me up—I’m not of that metal,” said the piece of glass to the bar magnet._=

* * * * *

=_Naughty Nellie_=—Where does your lap go when you stand up?

* * * * *

=_Willie Zatso_=—It is considered bad manners for children to stick their elbows out when cutting their meat at dinner. You might make your father cut his mouth.

* * * * *

A knock-kneed man walked down the street. Said the right knee to the left knee, “If you let me get around this time I’ll let you get around next time.”

* * * * *

Warm Stuff

I saw a dog chasing a jackrabbit down the hill and it was so hot the dog and rabbit were both walking. (Lie down, Fido, you’re all wet.)

* * * * *

We Clipped This

“I’ve got that down Pat,” said Mrs. Flanigan, as she gave her son a dose of castor oil.

* * * * *

Bob—“You look sweet enough to eat.”

Gert—“I do! Where shall we go?”

* * * * *

_Frank Adams in a recent Cosmopolitan story describes the modern dance thusly:_

_“If there wasn’t any music they would be arrested.”_

* * * * *

_My head is dizzy,_ _My eyes are getting sore,_ _That’s all for this issue,_ _There ain’t any more._

The Winter Annual

_CONTENTS_

DRIPPINGS FROM THE FAWCETT GIRL IN BLUE VELVET BAND FACE ON THE BARROOM FLOOR FRANKIE AND JOHNNIE BLUES SHOOTING OF DAN MCGREW WEDDING OF THE PERSIAN CAT ACE IN THE HOLE BOOZE FIGHTER’S DREAM DIARY OF A DIVORCEE FABLE OF THE BULL HIGHTY TIGHTY APHRODITE GOLIGHTLY HIGHBALLS HOW TO KISS DELICIOUSLY HUNTING THE WILY POLE CAT MOHAMMEDAN BULL OUR OWN FAIRY QUEEN TOOL HOUSE ON THE FARM THE OLD SMOKEHOUSE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS GILA MONSTER ROUTE PASTURE POT POURRI HOOCH CURE BLUES DYING HOBO LASCA SAM’S GIRL TOLEDO SLIM EVOLUTION POPPIES AFTER THE RAID THE HARPY THE SUICIDE TARNISHED GOODS SEPARATION LITTLE RED GOD THE LADIES LIMBER KICKS NAUGHTY BUT NICE TO THE GIRL RURAL MAIL BOX TIRED HIRED MAN LIFE’S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL

_Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22_

256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early editions of Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang. Stories, toasts, poems, drippings and pot pourri comprise this greatest Whiz Bang book.

_Only a Few Left_

If your newsdealer’s supply is exhausted, pin a dollar bill, or your check, money order or stamps to the coupon below and receive this peppy collection.

Whiz Bang, Robbinsdale, Minnesota.

Gentlemen:

Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”

Name..............................................

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_Everywhere!_

_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.

One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.