Part 4

Willie, your face has changed quite a bit.

Yes, mother, dear, I’ve been washing it.

* * * * *

A change of wives ofttimes improves one’s disposition.

* * * * *

Consolation

“Who is that terrible looking woman?”

“That’s my sister.”

“Oh, that’s all right; you ought to see mine.”

* * * * *

Dope This One

After Theophile returned to the city he wrote to Farmer Si Hopkins concerning a question which has been puzzling him for some time.

“Why,” he inscribed, “do you lock up that donkey of yours so carefully every night?”

In due course of time came Farmer Hopkins’ reply. “Because it is too good an *.”

* * * * *

Hiawatha Skinned a Squirrel

Hiawatha skinned the squirrel, Just sat down and went and skinned it; Went and skinned it to a finish, From its skin he made some mittens. Made them with the outside inside, Made them with the inside outside, Made them with the fur side inside, Made them with the skin side outside, Made them with the warm side inside, Made them with the cold side outside. Had he placed the fur side outside, Had he placed the skin side inside, Had he placed the outside inside, And the inside inside Then the warm side would have been outside, And the cold side inside, So to get the fur side, warm side inside, Placed the skin side, inside, outside. Now you know why Hiawatha placed the outside, fur side, warm side, inside, and the inside, skin side, cold side, outside.

* * * * *

For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name He writes not that you won or lost, but how you played the game.

* * * * *

“They don’t look natural,” said the man, as he rolled two threes.

* * * * *

How Kum?

Tom—“Where have you been for the last three hours?”

Bill—“In the saloon talking to the bartender.”

Tom—“What did he say?”

Bill—“No.”

* * * * *

Quick, Gents!

_At sixteen, risque,_ _Likes a naughty joke;_ _At seventeen, blase,_ _Tries to learn to smoke;_ _At eighteen, mildish,_ _Jolly just the same;_ _At nineteen, childish,_ _Getting rather tame;_ _At twenty, breezy,_ _Merely debonair;_ _At twenty-one, uneasy;_ _So re-bobs her hair;_ _But when she reaches twenty-two_ _Her rush turns to a shove,_ _For then her motto has become:_ _Love and let love._

* * * * *

Wanted: Man with ugly face to frighten children that play in my yard.

* * * * *

He Calls This “Poetry”

He’s got a swell noodle, Our friend Ted, He wears an eight and a half hat, For a six and a half head.

* * * * *

Dusting Off the Old Ones

Man went into German butcher shop and asked price of pork chops. To the reply of 30 cents a pound, he remonstrated that the butcher across the street asked only 20 cents.

“Why don’t you buy them there, then?” asked the German.

“I would, but he’s out,” said the customer.

“Oh, vell, ven I’m oud, I sell ’em for only 10 sends a pound.”

* * * * *

Eh, Maggie?

Here lie the bones of Peter Blunt Down in this mothering nook. Alas, he was too small a runt To argue with a cook.

* * * * *

Warm Stuff

“My wife made it hot for me this morning.”

“How was that?”

“I insisted on her getting up to build the fire.”

* * * * *

My Advice

If you should marry a hootch hound I’ll tell you what to do. Get a leaky boat and send afloat, And paddle your own canoe.

* * * * *

Chicago Tribune’s Column

(From the Charles City, Iowa, Press)

Manager Waterhouse, the movie man, who insists on giving his lady patrons the best, is improving the theater by renovating and decorating the ladies’ parlor and lobby and ladies can—at least, feel that everything is fresh and orderly.

_Classified Ads_

This Soots Me

(From the Spokane Spokesman-Review)

Young man, industrious, wants to meet lady with enough cash to have her chimney swept. Dan Vall.

* * * * *

Whatcha Got?

(From Richmond, Va., Times Despatch)

Have four daughters; would like to put them in a business of their own. What have you to offer? P.O. Box 1092, City.

* * * * *

And Everything

(From The Duluth Herald)

I got 10 aker of fine green timber dat I like for to sell on Miller Trunk Highway near Duluth. It bane yust vat yu want for a gude place to build cabin and have high old time, hunt yack rabbit & everything. I like for to go back to Norway & will sell very sheep. Write Lars Boguson, 1302 E. 8th St.

* * * * *

Ain’t We Got Fun?

(From The Aberdeen World)

WANTED—Girl or lady to stay with me nights; room rent free. A-26, care of World.

* * * * *

The Wild and Woolly West

(From Casper, Wyo., Herald)

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN—In justice to my husband to quiet a few rumors to the effect that he had beaten me up, during our recent family trouble, is absolutely untrue. Signed, Mrs. Bessie Peters.

* * * * *

_Jonah came from the whale with an awful cough._

* * * * *

The Busted Air Hose

An Italian was selling plaster of paris busts of great personages on the streets in New York. His cry was “Garibaldi, the greata man ina Italy, George Wash tha greata man ina United States. Tena centa each.”

An American, thinking to have some fun with him, took one of his busts of Garibaldi, dropped it on the pavement and said, “To hell with your Garibaldi.” The wop, not to be outdone, took one of his statues of Washington, threw it on the sidewalk, and said “To hell with your Georga Wash.”

* * * * *

That Ought to Cool It

Jerry recently took Gwendoline for a ride in his new car and returned rather late. Approaching a steep hill he stopped the car, got out and raised the hood.

“What’s the matter now?” asked Gwen.

“I must cool the engine before I try to make that hill,” replied Jerry.

“Oh, goodness alive,” said Gwen, “It is getting so awfully late. Why don’t you strip the gears?”

* * * * *

Tweet, Tweet

“I never spoke a cross word to my wife but once.”

“Quite remarkable, that.”

“Not so very. See that scar?”

* * * * *

How We Do It

A witty political candidate, after making a speech in an agricultural district, announced that he would be glad to answer any question that might be put to him.

A voice from the audience: “You seem to know a lot about a farmer’s difficulties. May I ask you a question about a momentous one?”

“Certainly,” replied the candidate, nervously.

“How can you tell a bad egg?” went on the merciless voice.

The candidate waited until the laughter had died down, then replied, “If I had anything to tell a bad egg I think I should break it gently.”

He won the place.

* * * * *

April Fool!

It was only an old beer bottle, Floating across the foam, Just an old beer bottle, Far away from home. Only an old beer bottle, With these sad words written on, “Whoever finds this beer bottle, Will find that the beer’s all gone.”

* * * * *

Another Married Chestnut

“I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I thought I saw another man running off with you.”

“What did you say to him?”

“I asked him what he was running for.”

* * * * *

For Men Only

When you play poker you take a chance; when you marry you have no chance.

* * * * *

Maids want nothing but husbands; after that they want everything.

* * * * *

Most of the women who cry at weddings have been married themselves.

* * * * *

Our Carpenter Hero

He “hammered” on the door; was answered by a girl who wore a white “sash,” and asked if he could get a “square” meal. He “saw” that the place was “plane” but clean, and “planking” himself down to the table, he “braced” his legs beneath the chair, and “bit” into a Parker “House” roll. His “nails” were rather dirty, but he met the “stairs” of those about him with a “level” glance. After “bolting” his food, he “shingled” off a dollar bill, paid the girl, opining that it was a good place to “board.”

* * * * *

_The tenants who formerly lived on the floor above said that our baby balled them out._

* * * * *

Hi Say, Chappie

Maybelle (coquettishly)—You tickle me, Duke.

The Duke—My word, what a strange request!

* * * * *

Action vs. Words

Have you ever After an evening Of anticipation Finally arrived At the crucial moment And with a Depth breath Taken the.... Initial step Aeons later A small voice Somewhere is Heard to say “Don’t” While two arms About one’s neck Refute the argument.

—Voo Doo.

* * * * *

Friday Special

Restaurant patron—Have you any whale, waiter?

No, sir.

Have you any shark?

No, sir.

Then give me a T bone steak. God knows I asked for fish.

* * * * *

“Waiter! There’s a fly in my ice cream.”

“Serves him right; let him freeze.”

_Our Rural Mail Box_

=_Lou Z. Lizzie_=—I quite agree with you. A man who gives you his diamond ring to look at and then wants it back is no gentleman.

* * * * *

=_Mary Ellen Slapapple_=—The fact that your sweetheart gave you two black eyes is striking proof of his affection.

* * * * *

=_Howsh E. Shaykes_=—A change of pasture is good for the bull, you know, old dear.

* * * * *

=_Hittem Formy_=—Don’t run your legs off after a woman; you’ll need them to kick yourself.

* * * * *

True lovers never say good night until morning.

* * * * *

As a Rule

Clerk (at Employment Bureau)—“Someone has sent for a yardman, sir.”

Manager—“We haven’t any yardmen at present.”

Clerk—“Then shall I send up three footmen, sir?”

* * * * *

The Barber Itch

Three prospective brides were in conference, Madge, Mary and Martha.

Madge—I am to marry a lawyer with fine practice. We are building a beautiful home.

Mary—My future husband is a banker and we will have a summer home, a maid and a car.

Martha—Well, girls, if you must know, I am to marry a barber.

Consternation reigned.

“What on earth are you going to marry a barber for?” gasped Madge and Mary.

Martha—Because any time a barber isn’t kissing you he is talking about it.

* * * * *

_A timid bachelor recently walked into a dance hall by mistake, and thought he was in a ladies’ dressing room._

* * * * *

Jack—You certainly disgraced me at the banquet last night when you got drunk.

Jill—What did I do.

Jack—When the charlotte russe was served you tried to blow the foam off it.

* * * * *

Pee Ess

In conclusion, Gentle Readers, don’t forget that Captain Billy’s encyclopedia of humor and poetry, the Winter Annual, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, is awaiting you at your newsdealer or the publisher.

The Winter Annual

_CONTENTS_

DRIPPINGS FROM THE FAWCETT GIRL IN BLUE VELVET BAND FACE ON THE BARROOM FLOOR FRANKIE AND JOHNNIE BLUES SHOOTING OF DAN MCGREW WEDDING OF THE PERSIAN CAT ACE IN THE HOLE BOOZE FIGHTER’S DREAM DIARY OF A DIVORCEE FABLE OF THE BULL HIGHTY TIGHTY APHRODITE GOLIGHTLY HIGHBALLS HOW TO KISS DELICIOUSLY HUNTING THE WILY POLE CAT MOHAMMEDAN BULL OUR OWN FAIRY QUEEN TOOL HOUSE ON THE FARM THE OLD SMOKEHOUSE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS GILA MONSTER ROUTE PASTURE POT POURRI HOOCH CURE BLUES DYING HOBO LASCA SAM’S GIRL TOLEDO SLIM EVOLUTION POPPIES AFTER THE RAID THE HARPY THE SUICIDE TARNISHED GOODS SEPARATION LITTLE RED GOD THE LADIES LIMBER KICKS NAUGHTY BUT NICE TO THE GIRL RURAL MAIL BOX TIRED HIRED MAN LIFE’S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL

_Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22_

256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early editions of Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang. Stories, toasts, poems, drippings and pot pourri comprise this greatest Whiz Bang book.

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