Part 4
An old colored mammy whose husband had just successfully sued for divorce came slowly down the court-house steps, talking to herself: “Dar ain’t no justice in dis heah wo’ld. Dat useless ol’ husband of mine he got his divorce, he got de house, got de money, got mah free chil’en and dey ain’t none of ’em his’n.”
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Blank Verse
I held her in my arms. “Do you believe In free love?” I asked. “No!” she replied Indignantly, “But ... umm Kiss me again!”
I like The way fellows Speak of MY woman MY girl.... Such is The conceit Of man!
* * * * *
Perhaps Luther was right when he said that God is a piece of white paper upon which every man draws a picture of his own face.
* * * * *
Atchew!
Lotta—“What gave George that awful cold?”
Bull—“I don’t know, but I saw him out on the lawn with a mighty thin girl last night.”
* * * * *
If She Squeaks, Oil Her
(From Our Navy)
“The rifle is the marine’s best friend,” he said. “He must never neglect it. He must treat it as he treats his wife and wipe it over with an oily rag twice a day.”
* * * * *
Shall We Forgive Her?
A dainty little blonde miss of twenty-two stepped into a phone booth. She drew forth from a small trunk (called a vanity case) a nickel. She placed the nickel in the slot with the softest, white and well kept hands that anyone has seen. She took up the receiver and with a soft sweet voice of a great singer spoke the number to the operator. She waited and waited and waited and waited, first on one foot and then on the other. She had waited an awful long time. All of a sudden she banged the receiver down and hissed between her lovely, pearly teeth, a well sounded “Damn it.”
* * * * *
The fellow who asks a girl for a kiss doesn’t stand half a chance with the live wire who kisses a girl first and then asks her how she likes it.
* * * * *
Liberal Wife
Wife (to attractive husband)—“Have you kissed the new cook yet, William?”
Husband—“Why—er—no.”
Wife—“Well, stupid, what are you waiting for? You know what a hard time we had to get her.”
* * * * *
People who live in rag houses shouldn’t throw bones.
* * * * *
Honesty, the Cheap Policy
Hear John West got two years for stealing a horse?
Yes, serves him right. Why didn’t he buy it and not pay?
* * * * *
Preacher—Don’t you know it’s wrong to put worms on that hook and insert it in a fish?
Johnnie—These aren’t worms, but that’s what the other suckers thought.
* * * * *
The strength of a kiss is generally measured by its length.—Byron.
* * * * *
All Some Have to Tell
“Why is it,” asks the exchange man of The Arkansas Gazette, “that a man rarely grows too old or too religious to get a thrill out of telling what a devil he was in his youth?”
* * * * *
Man proposes, woman supposes, marriage composes and divorce exposes.
* * * * *
That Waltz
BY THE GEORGIA CRACKER
As the music began, the lights grew soft and dim. I watched the couples as they passed like phantoms in the darkness.
Then I saw her, dancing with some wretched novice who could scarcely keep on his feet. How lovely and how wretched she looked.
“Kathleen!” I exclaimed, half aloud, and advanced.
“May I break?” I asked, and took her into my arms.
Her dancing—how can I describe it? She moved like some sprite—sure-footed languorous, as light as a summer cloud.
Drawing her to me, I suited my steps to the slow, yearning melody of the waltz. As we glided in the semi-darkness, oblivious of the passing couples she pressed her glowing cheek to mine and breathed quickly.
“Oh”—
“Sweetheart, why cannot I hold you like this forever? I feel that you are a part of my very soul!”
“Hold me—oh, hold me tight!”
“I have lived always for this moment. Dearest, you are the only girl in the whole world—you _are_ the whole world”—
And there, our eyes closed in ecstasy, I kissed her.
“I love you! The universe was made for the rapture of this moment. The stars have shone in vain for ages that they might light your eyes now! All time has been but a prelude to this second! Say you love me! Just say it!”
“Oh, Jimmy, you know I do!”
“Why, Kathleen, this isn’t Jimmy!” I cried.
“And this isn’t Kathleen,” replied the stranger.
_Our Rural Mail Box_
=_Jack Tar_=—Tell her that it was a balloon.
* * * * *
=_Ima Frade_=—If you are gun-shy, go with a soldier, then you’ll soon get used to having arms around you.
* * * * *
=_Fumey Gait_=—A bully game of cards would be Pedro.
* * * * *
=_Gracie_=—The mere fact that the tears run down the back of a cross-eyed person does not indicate they have bacteria.
* * * * *
=_Dora Knobs_=—A cigarette and a bottle of beer are sure to make a delightful breakfast for a lady of careless morals after a night of arduous cavorting.
* * * * *
=_Tooth Ache Kid_=—When suffering from a violent toothache in the hollow of a tooth, fill the cavity with whisky and hold there thirty seconds with your head cocked to one side. Swallow whisky and refill cavity. Repeat this treatment a few hundred times and if it doesn’t give relief, try wood alcohol instead.
* * * * *
=_Brother Eagle_=—When suffering from exhaustion, the patient should be put in a cool shady wine room. A Scotch and soda in a tall thin glass with plenty of ice may be given at intervals, and should a tickling ensue give patient pink sporting page and turn on phonograph. Continue this treatment until patient kicks phonograph into the alley. This is what is known as the negative test and is proof of patient’s recovery.
* * * * *
=_Ab. Doman_=—Yes, married men make the best husbands.
* * * * *
=_Kauph E. Keuler_=—If you can’t drink coffee out of a saucer without scalding your nose, use a bowl.
* * * * *
=_Herr Nett_=—When you make a present to a woman, always leave the cost tag on it; it will save her a trip downtown.
* * * * *
=_All Readers_=—I would like to know whether a zebra is a white animal with black stripes or a black animal with white stripes.—=_Captain Billy._=
* * * * *
Pee-Ess
_Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow your bootlegger may get caught._
Whiz Bang City, Oklahoma
Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang is the first magazine to have a “city” named after it.
The thriving little oil town of Oklahoma has been christened Whiz Bang City. The picture shown on this page is by courtesy of Vince Dillon, photographer of Fairfax, Okla. Upon close examination, “kind readers” note that all of the buildings are new and that a truck standing in front of the garage bears the sign Nitroglycerine. However, there is no connection between nitroglycerine and the Whiz Bang. It is true that we have an explosion, but ours is harmless, and used to blow out the spleen of the American human instead of Mother Earth.
Well, anyway, folk, here’s wishing many happy days to Whiz Bang City and its live citizens.
_Our Winter Annual_
In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list are:
Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s Ladies, Toledo Slim.
Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, money order or stamps.
Whiz Bang, Robbinsdale, Minnesota
Gentlemen:
Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”
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