Part 4

H. H. Waters, scenario writer, was found clad only in a suit of pajamas, the other morning just outside the Hollywood Hotel. He was unconscious and bleeding profusely. The names of the other picture folk who attended the party have been kept under cover.

* * * * *

Our Guv’ment’s too annoying! The whole blasted Pacific fleet has been back in Los Angeles harbor since September without a movie guest aboard! You see there’s some sort of a board of inspection from Washington going over the nuts and bolts, and its been considered tactful to keep the milk on the table and cover the Victrola!

* * * * *

While Doug and Mary were recovering from a tremendous ovation in London and were receiving a similar welcome in Gay Paree, Charlie Chaplin native Englishman, was being slapped by the press of his native land. The London Post, for example, says this:

“Charlie Chaplin was good enough to remark on the sadness of the faces of the Londoners he met in his walks. Well, we went through a bit of a war while Charlie was in Los Angeles.”

* * * * *

Going, Going, Gone!

When the rye is in the meadow And the corn is in the shock And your cellar’s dry as powder And your diamonds all in hock, When the gin is all in Holland And the home brew knocked sky-high Oh, tell me Captain Billy When the milk weed’s going dry.

* * * * *

How to Get the Cash

“Bonuses for Babies” Is all the cry In France; And so the largest families Will get the biggest chance; But where’s the money coming from? French Law for laughter bids By taxing all the bachelors For other people’s kids!

* * * * *

The nox was lit by the lux of Luna, It was a nox most opportuna, To catch a possum or a coona. The nix was scattered o’er the Mundus, A shallow nix et non profundus.

* * * * *

_The undertaker is always able to put up a stiff argument._

_Classified Ads_

The Colonel Knows His Cat

(From San Antonio Express.)

Reward—Lost, Boston female, 8 months old, 12 lbs., mahogany brindle, screw tail, white chest, back of neck and blazed face. Col. M. L. Crimmins, 106 Groveland Place.

* * * * *

Why, Mabel!

(From St. Louis Post-Dispatch.)

Miss Mabel Wilber, in the leading soprano role of Daisy the Barmaid, later Little Boy Blue, sang well and wore several masculine costumes which showed her versatility.

* * * * *

A Warm Proposition

(San Francisco Chronicle.)

Young man, 28, wishes the acquaintance of a lonely, stout lady; object mat. Box 500, Chronicle Branch, San Jose.

* * * * *

Hand In Hand

(From the Bald Knob, Ark., Eagle.)

A jolly bunch of our young people went on a kodaking expedition Sunday that resulted in many exposures and a very enjoyable time.

* * * * *

Like Dimples, They Come High

(From the Graceville, Minn., Enterprise.)

Born—To Mr. and Mrs. G. C. Heimann, Sunday, August 7th, a son.

You can get one this month only for $40.00. See Chris. Nelson, The Tailor.

* * * * *

The timid girl appreciates the sympathy that makes a man feel for her in the dark.

* * * * *

Bargain Day

The late Cy Warman, who deserted railway literature for a real railway job in Montreal, told this story at a luncheon not long before his death:

A Scotchman came upon an automobile overturned at a railway crossing. Beside it lay a man all smashed up.

“Get a doctor,” he moaned.

“Did the train hit you?” asked the Scotchman.

“Yes, yes; get a doctor.”

“Has the claim agent been here yet?”

“No, no; please get a doctor.”

“Move over, you,” said the Scot, “till I lie down beside you.”

* * * * *

A Letter in Meter

There are meters of accent, There are meters of tone, But the best way to meet her Is to meter alone.

There are letters of accent There are letters of tone, But the best way to letter Is to letter alone.

* * * * *

Page the Weather Boy!

The fancy display in hosiery on a rainy day affects a man’s eyes to such an extent that he is always anxious to see it clear up.

* * * * *

_Playing with loaded dice is shaky business at best._

* * * * *

Ain’t It the Truth?

It usually takes a St. Patrick’s Day parade longer to pass a bootlegging joint than any other point on the line of march.

* * * * *

The High Cost of Babies

The following is an original advertisement appearing in the Genesee (Idaho) News:

Eight Months’ Warning.

After October 1st, all babies C. O. D.

W. H. Ehlen, M. D. H. Rouse, M. D.

* * * * *

The Tattlers

Age and her little brother will always tell on a girl.

* * * * *

They nicknamed the baby Steamboat because they used a paddle behind.

* * * * *

A little boy wrote a composition on man and he said it was a person split half way up and who walks on the split end.

* * * * *

Something to Worry About

The pulse of Napoleon is said to have made only 50 beats a minute.

* * * * *

_According to new regulations in the British army, each soldier in barracks is allowed 600 cubic feet of air space, and if the diet of the British soldier is the same as that of the Yank, the 600 feet is none too much._

_Our Rural Mail Box_

=_Dorothy_=—Your friend has been spoofing you. Beware of freak poker games. If you want to bet, cross the line to Tiajuana.

* * * * *

=_George_=—Stick ’em under the mattress to crease ’em but don’t have the baby in bed.

* * * * *

=_Stock Clerk_=—There is only one sure way of making money following the ponies.

* * * * *

=_Madame Bozo_=—Stout women should not wear tight waists. Sizes up to 48 bust in basement.

* * * * *

=_Howsitt Pheal_=—You won’t mind wearing amber glasses in the Islands, Howsitt, you’ll get color blind anyhow.

* * * * *

=_Dottie_=—When he begins by saying, “Little girl, I’m old enough to be your father”—well, look out!

* * * * *

=_George_=—It is rude for a man to fall asleep while his wife is talking, but a man has to sleep some time.

* * * * *

=_Nisbet_=—You’re like the Scotchman who said “Don’t be backward in coming forward.”

* * * * *

=_Luscious Lizzie_=—It is not considered correct table manners to blow on your coffee to cool it. You had better pour it in your saucer.

* * * * *

=_Silas Sawyer_=—Chewing tobacco is all right in its place. Refrain, however, from using it for decorative purposes.

* * * * *

=_Al B. Kirk_=—A Whuzzat is a trained tobacco-chewing dog employed by the Southern Railway to run alongside of fast express trains to spit on the coach trucks to keep the hot boxes from burning.

* * * * *

=_Fat Man_=—Your meaning is not quite clear. Do I understand you to say you cannot dance except with a concave partner?

* * * * *

=_Johnny_=—I can’t use your story of the stove-pipe. It isn’t clean.

* * * * *

=_Sapp_=—If you want a set of teeth inserted, would advise that you go and kick some cross bull dog.

* * * * *

=_Restauranteur_=—A swell meal would be dried apples and water, and you can get a chicken dinner for ten cents at any feed store.

_A Christmas Gift!_

Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out—

PIN A DOLLAR BILL

Or your check, money order or stamps To the coupon on the opposite page.

And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put in print.

REMEMBER, FOLK

Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and not a copy could be bought =anywhere= in the United States within ten days.

So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!

Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.

Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues.

We haven’t any left.

_Our Winter Annual_

In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri, stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading matter as the regular Issue of the Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list are:

Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim.

Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, money order or stamps.

Whiz Bang, Robbinsdale, Minnesota.

Gentlemen:

Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”

Name..............................................

Address...........................................

_Everywhere!_

_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.

One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL.