Part 4

(From the Warren, Ohio, Tribune.)

Wanted—Gentleman I spent Sunday evening with to write me at my address in the office where I am employed. I couldn’t act different from what I did.—Dot.

* * * * *

Chicago Has Preferences

(From Chicago Tribune)

To Rent—Studio apartment with private bath; married couple preferred. 58 E. Elm Street.

* * * * *

Oak Cliff’s Secret

(From Dallas Dispatch)

Lost—Monday, in Oak Cliff, one Spencer corset, slightly used. Suitable reward.

* * * * *

Here’s An Easy Job!

(From Tampa Times)

Wanted—Gas engine man on twin party boat. Little pay, lots of fun, no work. Phone 71-042.

* * * * *

Sodaeye, Do You?

“Give me a plain soda without any flavor.”

“What kind of flavor would you like it without?”

“Oh! I’d like it without vanilla flavor.”

“Sorry, sir! I’m out of vanilla. You will have to have it without chocolate, sir.”

* * * * *

Where They Rattle

Two little girls were playing on the street and a well-dressed lady passed them with swish and a whirl. By the noise it was evident that she wore a silk petticoat. “What makes that noise?” whispered one little girl, with a wondering look. “Sh!” said the other child, in a low voice, “don’t you know she’s got money? Rich folks always rattle and smell good.”

* * * * *

Frank Lynn’s Dope

When skirts and waist lines meet as one, ’Twill be as when the world begun, And in fig leaves again we’ll roam, And wonder still why the men leave home.

* * * * *

The Anti-Cigarette Crusaders

“I can’t understand how men can put those nasty pipes and cigarettes to their lips,” she mourned, and then bent to kiss the little bundle of life in her lap. And the poodle dog, sympathizing, snuggled closer against its mistress’ swan-like neck and wagged its little tail.

_Our Rural Mail Box_

=Smokehouse Friends=—Ye editor has received many calls for the following poems, and would appreciate receipt of correct copies of them: “Johnnie and Frankie,” “Arkansaw” and the prose of the Irishman lecturing with lantern slides the story of Cleopatra.

* * * * *

=Anna Dine=—Snow again, Anna, I don’t get your drift.

* * * * *

=Mickey Finn=—There is nothing to the rumor that the girls will wear blacksmiths’ aprons for bathing suits this summer.

* * * * *

=Howe Hevah=—“The Skin Game” is not the name of a play. It is a profession indulged in by beauty doctors.

* * * * *

=Mac=—If the brass finger bowls are not large enough, would suggest that bushel baskets be used.

* * * * *

=Shimmy Dancer=—If you do, we’ll take off our jumper and overhalls.

* * * * *

=Kitty Korn=—I can’t place you, but I knew your father, Pop Korn.

* * * * *

He Led in Prayer

An old railroad man was converted, as the story goes, and was asked to lead in prayer. Here is the way he worked it: “Oh, Lord, now that I have flagged Thee, lift my feet off the rough road of life and plant them safely on the deck of the train of salvation. Let me use the safety lamp known as prudence; make all couplings in the train with the strong link of Thy love. And, Heavenly Father, keep all switches closed that lead off to sidings, especially those with a blind end. Oh, Lord, if it be Thy pleasure, have every semaphore block along the line show the white line of hope, that I may make the run of life without stopping. And, Lord, give us the Ten Commandments as a schedule time, and when my train shall have pulled into the great, dark station of Death, may Thou, the Superintendent of the Universe, say with a smile: ‘Well done, thou good and faithful servant; come up and sign the payroll and receive your check for eternal happiness.’”

* * * * *

A Robbinsdale Salad

A young chicken, undressed; a little pep; lettuce.

* * * * *

Just Like Old Crow

Once again the husband came staggering home late.

“Oh, John, have you been drinking again?” sobbed his wife as she caught a whiff of beer.

“No, dearie; you wronged me; I’ve been eatin’ frogsh’ legsh, and you smell the hops.”

_It Pays to Advertise_

BY OXNARD PETE

It isn’t necessary to read magazine stories any more. The editor tells you all about them in “eye catchers” at the beginning. They read like this:

“_Mary’s Garter_,” by R. Ubberneck. A snappy and re-elastic love story that stretches the imagination to the breaking point. No “honi soit” stuff here.

“_100 to 1_,” by N. O. Chance. A race track story. Like a gambler’s watch chain, it has a “charm” that holds the eye.

“_Frozen Tears_,” by P. North Poole. Returning, after years spent in the far north, John Snow’s wife gives him a cold welcome. He finds that Eskimo maidens may have cold feet, but warm hearts. A tale of polar bears, whale blubber, seal blubber and plain blubber.

Don’t fail to read “_Way Down Yeast_,” by Holmes Brewer, in our next issue. Mr. Brewer’s stories are as funny as a barrel of monkey wrenches; his wit as spontaneous as a fire sale in Goldstein’s clothing store. And as unique as a drink of real whiskey.

“_Down in the Deep_,” by Professor U. Drinkwater. A scientific article on the peculiarities of the Zoanatharia actina, mesembryanthemum, tealia crassicornis and other anemones. Too deep for any one but a highbrow to wade through.

“_Lucy’s Looseness_,” by E. Strong Onion. A story with a smile, some tears, and seeming to breathe throughout, the fragrance of old Bermuda.

* * * * *

The Way with Men

By Warford Frederick.

A sweet Conceit Is its own excuse, I think, don’t you? I hope you do. Two neat, Small feet And a shoestring loose. I bend, don’t you, Before that shoe? One glance at the shoe and two at the silk, And an ankle showing as white as milk; And I tie a knot that will slip again! For that is ever the way with men.

* * * * *

It is a rare man, girls, who shakes the furnace as he shakes his shoulders.

* * * * *

Verily much Mazuma goeth over the bar the cash register knoweth not of.

* * * * *

There are lots of men who treat tomorrow and treat yesterday, but never treat today.

_Jest Jokes and Jingles_

That Girl You Lost!

Long though a man recalls the achievements of his life, yet it is quite often the little things he failed to achieve that linger longest in his memory; even after he has forgotten her name and whether her eyes were brown or blue.

* * * * *

The Garbage Blues

_Rocks in the mountains,_ _Fish in the sea,_ _A garbage man’s daughter_ _Made a dump out of me._

* * * * *

Remorse

Those dry martinis were too much for me. Last night at twelve I felt immense, Today, I feel like thirty cents. But it is a poor time for mirth and laughter, The cold, gray dawn of the morning after.

* * * * *

_I went to a dance with a girl named Nora,_ _We danced and we danced on the floor-a,_ _I heard a rip, and I knew by chance_ _That Nora had lost her desire to dance._

* * * * *

A Modern Man’s Prayer

Oh, please, give me a woman who can make real beer.

* * * * *

It’s all right to shoot the bull provided you don’t give a bum steer.

* * * * *

A Sun Dodger

They sat in the park, out there in the dark, And the chaperone thought it quite shocking; She found ’em all right, for she saw in the night, The radium clock on each stocking.

* * * * *

We Clipped This

(From Fayetteville Press.)

Shore is tough these days, to try to tell a girl a good joke and have her say: “Never mind, I read Whiz Bang myself.”

* * * * *

It wasn’t the drink that killed poor John, Nor a sight that took his breath, But he read a Whiz Bang, so ’tis said, And laughed himself to death.

* * * * *

An Alabam’ Ad

Wanted—Boy for bakery. Must come well bred, an early riser, born in the yeast, a good mixer and will get his dough every Saturday night.

* * * * *

_When Phyllis lets me tie her shoe_ _My glad heart sings. Indeed,_ _I do declare, I wouldn’t care_ _Were she a centipede._

* * * * *

Rosy Roses of Army Daze

A Camp Dix, N. J., “shave-tail” was giving his men a talk on personal hygiene. Finishing his verbal exploitation, he said: “ ... and men, profit by my example; when I finish drilling in the afternoon, the first thing I do is to take a bath and shave; then, when I retire I feel rosy and cheerful.” Whereupon one of his disciples emerged from the ranks with his hand raised to a salute, saying: “Beg pardon, lieutenant, but we ain’t got any Rosy.”

* * * * *

There was a young person named Willy Whose actions were what you’d call silly; He went to a ball, Dressed in nothing at all, Pretending to represent Chili.

* * * * *

Prohibition Proverbs

No brew venture, no brew have.

Empty flask never won fair lady.

A case in the cellar is worth two in the brewery.

Much falls between the hip and the lip.

He that reckons without his cellar must reckon again.

A fool’s flask is soon empty.

As you brew so shall you be respected.

One good sip deserves another.

If you drink before you try, you may repent before you die.

* * * * *

Some Female Types

The Alarm Clock Type—Shrill voice, large hands and a plain face.

The Wrist Watch Type—Small framed, handsomely embellished; very erratic.

The Mantel-piece Type—Pretty features, with nothing reliable behind them.

The Big Ben Type—Hardest to face in the morning.

The Wall Type—Very fancy, having a good swing, and goes “Cuckoo” without attention.

The Eight-day Type—Steady and reliable, but, once started, stops for nothing less than an axe.

The Ingersoll Type—Goes through fire, flood, famine and earthquake without changing in constancy, yet, once lost, its owner doesn’t think it worth the price of an advertisement.

* * * * *

The big girls who have little brothers, Who always run and tell their mothers Whate’er they hear and see, know well In life ’tis little things that tell.

* * * * *

A pretty girl jumps to the conclusion that every man she meets wants to kiss her. And the wonder of it all is that she is right.

* * * * *

Circumstantial

Hattie—Do you think he loves her?

Mattie—My dear, I know it. I saw them come out of the study after the last dance, and her hair was a sight!—Williams Purple Cow.

* * * * *

Sweethearts a la Carte

By Jane Gaites.

Tommy was a butcher, He had a cutting way. Johnny was a burglar, For he stole my heart away. Jimmie was a cowboy, He roped me in for fair. Dick was an aviator, So I bade him take the air. Teddy was a sailor, He bought my ring on sale. Jerry was a beer fiend, It makes me turn quite pale. A tennis champ was Nicky, But his racket made me sick. Then came red-haired Georgie, And he surely was a brick. Jackie was a card sharp, He often held my hand. But give me Bill, He’s just a bear— Oh, boy, he hugs so grand!

* * * * *

Eat less, breathe more. Talk less, think more. Ride less, walk more. Worry less, work more. Clothe less, bathe more. Waste less, give more. Preach less, practice more.

* * * * *

World Famous Art Pictures

=“WORLD FAMOUS ART PICTURES”= in book album, size 8 × 11, handsomely cloth bound, containing 350 photographic reproductions of masterpieces by the world’s greatest artists. The various pictures of the nude, semi-nude, single figures, and groups comprise the largest collection of nude female, male and child subjects ever published in a single volume, and the most complete work of its kind in existence. Printed on heavy enamel paper, in double toned gravures. Weight five pounds. Price =$7.50= per copy. Shipped by express only.

=“STUDIES OF THE HUMAN FIGURE.”= A beautiful imported book, size 6 × 9, containing 78 full page plates, comprising 108 photographic studies from life of the female, male and child subjects, in the nude, with Anatomical Diagrams and Artists’ Studies in all mediums. In artistic ornamental binding. Price =$10.00= per copy. Shipped by express.

=“ALO STUDIES.”= The first edition of Alo Nude Studies published in book form, size 5 × 8, just off the press. Printed in an edition de luxe, with thirty-two full page illustrations and forepiece in elaborate color plates. In these compositions the purity and charm of the nude has been blended amid the luxuriant settings of nature, imparting a divine expression of beauty. A collection of beautiful nudes in book form. Price =$2.00= per copy.

=“WHO’S WHO ON THE SCREEN.”= For Motion Picture Fans. Contains 424 pages of beautiful photographs and complete biographies of all the Stars in Screenland. A full page is devoted to each star! Artistically printed on finest coated paper; handsomely bound in Navy Blue Shantung cloth with splendid three-color jacket. Postpaid to any address in the world for =$3.50=.

=“MOVIE”= Souvenir Playing Cards. This pack is a veritable picture gallery of the celebrities of the “Movie Stage.” The faces show fifty-three beautiful half-tone portraits of the “WORLD’S GREATEST MOTION PICTURE STARS.” The pack has regular Playing Card Indexes, 52 Cards and Joker. Highly enameled, flexible, with a high slip and beautiful ivory finish, which makes it a delight to handle. Gold edged cards in handsome telescope cases. Price =$1.00= per pack, prepaid.

Remit by money order or bank draft. Shipment made within twenty-four hours after receipt of order.

THE AMERICAN ART COMPANY Wholesale and Retail JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U. S. A.

* * * * *

GENUINE PHOTOGRAPHS

We are headquarters for photographs and pictures of all kinds, offering the most complete line in the country.

Catalogue “A,” 1921 edition, now ready. Contains illustrations of 409 Nude and Semi-Nude, 304 Bathing Girl, 192 Movie Star and 49 Statuary Photographs. More than 1,000 illustrations in all. Shipped by PREPAID EXPRESS. Price =$1.00= per copy.

25 Art Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike $2.00 25 Semi-Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 2.00 50 Art Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 3.00 50 Semi-Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 3.00 100 Art Nude and Semi-Nude, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 5.00

12 Semi-Nude Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike $1.00 16 Statuary Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 1.00 20 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 1.00 20 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 1.00 50 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 2.50 50 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 2.50 100 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 4.00 100 Movie Star Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 4.00 250 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 10.00 500 Bathing Girl Photographs, size 3½ × 5½, no two alike 20.00

12 Art Nudes, size 8 × 10, excellent poses, all different $10.00 25 Art Nudes, size 8 × 10, excellent poses, all different 15.00 50 Art Nudes, size 7½ × 9½, our leading sellers, no two alike 25.00 100 Art Nudes, size 7½ × 9½, excellent poses, all different 50.00

25 Art Nudes, size 5 × 7, no two alike $10.00 50 Art Nudes, size 5 × 7, no two alike 20.00 100 Art Nudes, size 5 × 7, no two alike 35.00

SPECIAL ASSORTMENT

In order that you may become acquainted with our line of beautiful nudes, we will forward, upon receipt of =Ten Dollars=, a special assortment of twelve genuine photographs, comprising four each of the following sizes: 7½ × 9½, 8 × 10 and 11 × 14. If the selection does not prove entirely satisfactory upon receipt, you may return the same to us intact, and we will immediately refund your money.

Art Nudes are shipped by sealed express. Remit by money order or bank draft. All orders shipped promptly.

THE AMERICAN ART COMPANY Wholesale and Retail JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN, U. S. A.

* * * * *

_Everywhere!_

_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.