Part 4

FOR RENT--A traveling man’s wife, alone in a big 8-room house, wishes to rent three or four nice, unfurnished rooms to a congenial couple, or to two business women. Bath, hot and cold water furnished, with use of phone. Call Old Phone 3988.

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Complications

“Yes, Private Smith was making a splendid recovery, but now there are complications.”

“Oh, I am so sorry! Did he catch pneumonia?”

“No, he was caught kissing the nurse!”

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A Wet Wedding

Weddings, like other things, are progressive affairs in Idaho. Look at this from an Idaho paper:

“Yesterday at high noon Miss Helen ⸺ and Ward ⸺ were united in marriage at the home of the bride’s parents in Wardner. The ceremony was performed in the spacious living room which was beautifully decorated in syringes.”

_Jest Jokes and Jingles_

Damphoolishness

The woodry-blee pipes oolie-goo, While on the brinkers grimes the moo.

God save the King, the soldiers cried, And then they took a trolley ride.

A rooster crowed upon the hill, His name was William--she called him Bill.

’Twas bitter cold at Valley Forge, But nothing ever rattled George.

The berries were growing on the vine, Three times thirteen is thirty-nine.

* * * * *

Out in the kitchen a maiden fair Plucked from the hash a golden hair.

* * * * *

Woman’s hair--beautiful hair, What words of praise I’d utter; But, oh, how sick it makes me feel To find it in my butter.

* * * * *

Looking Up

“Look up!” cries the optimist.

“Look upward!” shouts the revivalist.

And yet Robert Bailey was fined $1 and costs or ten days because he looked up while under the Stadium bleachers.

The police said there were ladies up above.

--Toronto Telegram.

* * * * *

He took her rowing on the lake; She vowed she’d go no more. I asked her why--her answer came: “He only hugged the shore.”

* * * * *

A woman’s first kiss may be attributed to childish curiosity; her second to misplaced confidence; the others are just downright carelessness.

* * * * *

Not So Fond of It

Mrs. Benham: “You used to say that I was the apple of your eye.”

Benham: “Well, what of it?”

Mrs. Benham: “Nothing; except that you don’t seem to care so much for fruit as you once did.”

* * * * *

There was a girl in her own boudoir, And she was tall and handsome; And every time the wind blew hard, It blew right through her transom.

* * * * *

Seven Ages of Man

The seven ages of man have recently been tabulated on an acquisitive basis, as follows:

First Age--Sees the earth.

Second Age--Wants it.

Third Age--Starts to get it.

Fourth Age--Decides to be satisfied with half of it.

Fifth Age--Becomes still more moderate.

Sixth Age--Now content to possess a six by two foot strip of it.

Seventh Age--Gets the strip.

* * * * *

Under the swinging street car strap, The homely old maid stands, And stands and stands and stands and stands, And stands and stands and stands.

--Luke McLuke.

* * * * *

Har Du Got a Hod?

An Irishman died and went to heaven. St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but we just got a big consignment of Swedes from Minneapolis today and there is no more room.” “Can I get in if I make room?” asked the late arrival. “Certainly,” said St. Peter. The Irishman shouted through the gate, “Hey, you fellows, there’s free snuff in hell.” And he made room, all right.

* * * * *

Society Note: Mr. Potter of Pottersfield felt cold and stiff this morning.

* * * * *

In a Garden

As I walked along the paths this morning picking flowers, I found in the yellow heart of a Lady Slipper, a little brown bee. My first impulse was to shake him out of his honeyed abode, but as I looked at his velvety body and the sunlit rainbow wings, a foolish tenderness surged over me. Perhaps there were baby bees at home that would starve if papa bee did not bring back honey; and how useful this little creature was, carrying the pollen from flower to flower--so I moved on, leaving him unmolested. But even as I turned away thinking these pure, sweet thoughts, the darn thing stung me.

* * * * *

When Adam in bliss Asked Eve for a kiss, She puckered her lips with a coo; With looks quite ecstatic, Gave answer emphatic: “I don’t care A-dam if I do.”

--Flo.

* * * * *

And she said I must Seattle as she rose Tacoma her hair, for if I wear my nice New Jersey, what will Delaware?

* * * * *

When Greek meets Greek--they open a fruit store; but when Irish meet English they open an uproar.

* * * * *

Beats me how these girls keep their dresses up. Must be strength of mind that does it.

_Our Rural Mail Box_

=Dear Bill=--Did you hear that they traded Manhattan for 24 cases of whisky and that now they want to trade it back? Yours till the Statue of Liberty shimmies up the Hudson, Flo.

* * * * *

=Dear Captain Billy=--I live at 268 W. Rayen Ave., Youngstown, Ohio, and the other evening I saw this question and answer in your July issue:

=Dear Bill=--What does my brother mean when he speaks of the “depth bombs” and “submarine chasers” in army hospitals?--=Miss Curiosity.=

Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for reply.

I am sending same and hope to hear from you. Resp. yours, John Wilson.

(Editor’s Note--Dear Mr. Wilson: I have referred your letter to Miss Curiosity, who undoubtedly will answer you personally.)

* * * * *

=Dot=--A. is right. Get out and walk.

* * * * *

=Rhoda=--Yes. You are old enough to wear what you please. That is as far as your parents are concerned. But the police will not respect your age.

* * * * *

=Madge=--The Doctor was correct. After an operation for appendicitis the cut shouldn’t show.

* * * * *

=Alden M.=--Can give you no advice about free love. Always thought love very expensive.

* * * * *

=Hazel=--Do not marry the sixty year old millionaire. He’s too old and too young to bring you happiness.

* * * * *

=Jacqueline=--Jackie, for short, you said you wanted to write me the worst way. You did, I can hardly read your letter. Try again.

* * * * *

=Ima Flirt=--Yes, love is blind, as the old saying goes--but the neighbors are not. Pull down your shades after this.

* * * * *

=Mable=--If the day be muddy and the boys will stand on the corner it’s up to you to make good. Will speak to the cashier about sending you silk stockings.

* * * * *

=Jim=--If you are dancing with another man’s wife it is proper to let him see light between you.

_Luscious Limericks_

There was a young man from Art Creek, Who went around dressed in batik, When they asked, “Are you well?” He replied, “Ain’t it hell? But in Art it’s the very last shriek.”

* * * * *

Another young chicken named Mary Was in love with a youngster named Larry, And when it was dark They went to the park, And there they did tarry and tarry.

* * * * *

There was a young feller named Aster Who went in a wild bullock’s pasture; The sweater he wore Made the poor bully sore, And so he ran faster and faster.

* * * * *

A sculptor made nymphs and bacchantes, Omitting the coaties and panties, Till a kind-hearted Madam, Who knew where they had ’em. Donated some warm Ypsilantis.

* * * * *

The Impulsive Cuss

A maiden not lacking in pride Went out with her beau for a ride. She said, “Tell me, Joe, How far do you go?” “The sky is my limit!” he cried.

* * * * *

There was an old sculptor named Phidias, Whose knowledge of art was invidious. He carved Aphrodite Without any nightie, Which shocked all the people fastidious.

* * * * *

There was a young lady named Florence, Who for kissing professed great abhorrence. At last she was kissed, And said: “My! What I’ve missed!” And cried till the tears fell in torrents.

* * * * *

This story may be overdrawn, But now that my ink is all gone, I’ll say goodby, guys, And cease with my lies; ’Tis yours very truly,--Bull Kahn.

* * * * *

Even the repeal of the Eighteenth amendment wouldn’t do the brewers any good. Everybody knows how to make his own, now.

* * * * *

I Like ’em, God Bless ’em

These widowers are an elusive lot, I like ’em! They make you forego the sense you’ve got, I like ’em! They call you young, they think you’re green, For blasé women they’re beaucoup keen, They’re the worst darn pests I’ve ever seen, I like ’em.

--By Flo.

* * * * *

The best man that ever lived Must take his child on faith alone, But the worst woman that ever lived Knows that her child’s her own.

* * * * *

That Osculating Thing

A little kissing now and then Is why we have the married men. A little kissing, too, of course, Is why we have the quick divorce.

* * * * *

The Alphabet of Love

A is the art of man and maid; B is the blush, so fair, displayed; C is the challenge in the eyes; D the dare that soon replies; E but why the rest recall? The rest is E-Z, that’s all.

* * * * *

A buzz ran ’round the party, Some maids were e’en in tears; A blasé girl--ye Gods, the shame-- Had left exposed her ears.

* * * * *

The melancholy days have come, The saddest of the year. There’s no coal in the cellar, And no goodness in the beer.

* * * * *

If I had a girl and she was mine, I’d paint her back with iodine; And on her ankles I’d place this sign, “Keep off the lunch, they’re mine, they’re mine.”

* * * * *

Sincerity

Let me live in a house By the side of the road Where the races of men go by; The men who are good And the men who are bad, Just as good and as bad as I. I would not sit on the scorner’s seat Or hurl the Cynic’s ban; But let me live in a house By the side of the road And be a friend to man.

* * * * *

Real photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls.

Just the thing for your den.

Size 3½×5½.

Positively the best on the market.

Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00.

Send money order or stamps.

Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included.

Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

_Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale terms._

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_Milady’s stocking, like a doctor’s prescription blank, must be filled to be appreciated._

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