Part 4

Honesty in Advertising

(Sign, Casey’s Store, Golden Valley, Minn.)

Annual sale now on; don’t go elsewhere and be cheated; come here.

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Everybody Likes a Sailor

(From the Southampton Times)

Wanted, by a respectable girl, her passage to New York; willing to take care of children and a good sailor.

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Preparing for the Flood

(From the Alton Eagle)

Wanted small cottage for a small family with good drainage.

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Why the Street Car Stalled

(From the Dubuque News)

Will the person who took pair of pants off Main street car Friday please return to this office?

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Why the Car?

(From the Buffalo Courier)

Wanted--Permanent gentleman boarder, with or without car, in refined ladies’ own private home, with garage. Address Refined Home, Courier.

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Full in a Full Cellar

(From the Keokuk Gate City)

For Sale--A good modern house on the south side with eight rooms and full cellar for $2,600. Van Pappelendam Brothers.

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Power of the Press

(Lusk Herald)

Owing to the lack of space and the rush of the Herald’s prize contest several births and deaths will be postponed until next week, or until a later date.

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Some Prefer the Rear Veranda

(From the Lakefield Pilot)

House wanted by lady with large front porch and spacious rear veranda; sun parlor and no bedbugs.

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Unnecessary Qualification

(From Johnson (S. C.) Leader)

Wanted--Girls to strip in a tobacco factory.

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If You Lamp Any Let Us Know

(From the Philadelphia Ledger)

Watches for women of superior design and perfection of movement. Bailey, Banks & Biddle Co.

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New Fashioned Men Apply

(From the Detroit Free Press)

Room with two meals daily in one of the prettiest private homes in city for one permanent gentleman with every convenience imaginable.

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What’s the Fare?

(From Petaluma (Calif.) Courier)

I want to dispose of a lot of fancy chickens. Always home nights.

_Jest Jokes and Jingles_

The Wrong Husband

A lady boarded a crowded train and rushing up behind a bald-headed man, kissed him on the top of his head. He turned to look at her, and in an embarrassed and flustrated tone, she said: “I--I beg your pardon. I thought you were my husband. Your head behind looks just like his behind.”

* * * * *

The nice things of life are not always naughty, but the naughty things are invariably nice.

* * * * *

In the Garden of Eden Adam slept; Into his arms a chicken crept. A voice said to Adam: “This is Eve”-- And Adam replied: “I’ve got you, Steve.”

* * * * *

When we hear a woman say that all men are alike we wonder how she found it out.

* * * * *

Little drops of water, That we used to think Were simply made for chasers, Are now the whole damn drink.

* * * * *

Did You Ever?

A furrier was selling a coat to a woman customer. “Yes, ma’am,” he said, “I guarantee this to be genuine skunk fur that will wear for years.”

“But suppose I get it wet in the rain?” asked the woman. “What effect will the water have on it? What will happen to it then? Won’t it spoil?”

“Madam,” answered the furrier, “I have only one answer: Did you ever hear of a skunk carrying an umbrella?”

* * * * *

“So you deceived your husband,” said the judge gravely.

“On the contrary, my lord, he deceived me. He said he was going out of town and he didn’t go.”

* * * * *

He was a rather feminine young man, but he got into an argument with his male companion. Said the other fellow:

“Do you know, a company in Cincinnati named a soap after you?”

“No, is that right?” asked the feminine youth, in a high-pitched voice, “What is it called?”

“Fairy-soap,” was the reply.

* * * * *

A young lady on whose lap a bug had just lit, exclaimed:

“Oh, look at that funny little bug; what kind of a bug is it?”

Her Escort: “That’s a lady bug.”

Young Lady: “My but you have good eyesight!”

* * * * *

Oh, Tempore, Oh H----

Wouldn’t Omar Khayam be sore if he was here. He’d change his immortal “Rubiyait” to this:

Beneath a bough, a can of near beer, And thou--

* * * * *

Here’s another ditty from the Jazz Review:

Coffee in the Pantry, Sugar in the Bowl, Mother’s Down Town Dancing Jellyroll.

* * * * *

She came down to breakfast very late and her mother scanned her severely.

“Did that man kiss you last night?” she asked.

“Now, mother,” said the sweet young thing, blushing, “do you suppose he came all the way from the Great Lakes to hear me sing?”

* * * * *

If the ocean was beer and I was a duck, I’d dive to the bottom and never come up.

* * * * *

Negro Woman to Drug Clerk: “Misto drug clerk, do you all exchange things here?”

Drug Clerk: “Why, yes madam, we do.”

Negro Woman: “Well I was jist wonderin’ if yo’ would take back this here good fer nuffin rubber thing an’ give me a bottle of Mellen’s food instead.”

* * * * *

A girl’s heart is like her vanity bag--overflowing with tender little souvenirs of love; a man’s is like his pipe--carefully emptied after each “flame” has gone out.

* * * * *

Second Spasm

Said the big red rooster to the little brown hen: “Meet me at the smoke-house at half past ten”; Said the little brown hen to the big red rooster: “I’ll not be there--in fact, I refuster”; Said the big red rooster with a smirk of pride: “Huh! I should worry, I’ll go outside”; Said the little brown hen as she left on a run: “So will I, too, you son of a gun.”

* * * * *

Footman: “My lord, a lady waits without.”

Lord Wunckleberry: “Without what?”

“Without food or clothing, your lordship.”

“Well, give her some food and send her in.”

* * * * *

Those Kilkenny Kats

A story is told of an agent who accompanied a prospective buyer to the vast granite quarries south of St. Cloud, Minn. While there a cat passed them and seemed to be in a hurry. The P. B. noticed it, but said nothing. In a few moments another cat appeared and ran in the same direction. The P. B. looked at the agent, but he seemed to be paying no attention to the cats. When the third cat finally flew by and vanished in the distance, the P. B. could no longer withhold his curiosity.

“What in the world is the matter with those cats?” he asked.

“Nothing the matter with the cats,” answered the agent, unconcernedly, “but it’s nine miles to dirt.”

* * * * *

Most women are pure and chaste--the less pure the more chased.

_Our Rural Mail Box_

Yes, God Bless ’Em

Skipper Bill:

May you grant me the privilege of expostulating to the tune of a jazz strain, which is indicative of life, the melody of the living and the nemesis of the dead, and dying.

Under the cloak of religion there are too many one-cylinder brains functioning to the detriment of our country, creed and constitution, and the space you allotted to the vituperations of an ecclesiastic ass, yclept Rev. J. Herbden Walters, was just two pages too much.

Women have always been enigmas so far as man is concerned, and it doesn’t require any brand of spiritual interpretation to convince us mortals that such a condition is in keeping with Allah’s plan of things.

No man who ever fell for the charms of a woman can point an accusing finger at her. When she makes herself “sweet to look upon” she is but fulfilling her destiny on this earth, and the power of man was created for the sole purpose of battering down her resistence--that’s God’s law; it’s the same in all forms of life.

No, Bill, his dose is diarrhoetic and we are not seeking purgatives. His mentality is sadly lacking and his virility could well be questioned. Personally, such festers on our social cosmos sort o’ rankles me, for I try to atune myself to the Greater Law.

In closing, and ere I sign my John Henry to these sentiments, let me enlist the eloquence of Alexander Smith, whose brain gave birth to these lines:

“The saddest thing that can befall a soul, Is when it loses faith in God and woman.”

One of the male specie,

E. W. WELTY.

1819 West Seventh St., Los Angeles, Cal.

* * * * *

=Mary D.=--No, Mary. Do not worry. Bank examiners will not inspect your “First National.” I fear when we reach that day there will be more candidates for bank examiner than for president of this good old U. S. A.

* * * * *

=Knuts Gazoobus=--If you are certain your pet skunk has fleas there is but one remedy I can suggest and that is the tying of a good hefty chunk of dynamite to the tail of the animal. I’ve been up against the polecat of Northern Minnesota and the flea of dear old Frisco and the devil save me from meeting both at the same time.

* * * * *

=Beautiful Katie=--This is the army recipe for hash: See that the dog is a fairly fat one. Hit him over the head with an axe and allow him to boil three hours. Chop into mince meat and mix in a lot of potatoes, onions and sage. Serve hot. Cats take only 20 minutes.

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=Dan M.=--Should you accidentally upset a cup of coffee on the tablecloth, do not stare at it in consternation and exclaim “This is a hell of a note!” Laugh it off pleasantly and apologize to the hostess.

* * * * *

=Daffy Dill=--Your question is rather absurd and my answer is NO, I have never heard a porcupine for its mate. But I have seen a gopher go for a gopher.

* * * * *

=Oliver Towne=--I can’t quite agree with you as to the world’s greatest historical event. How about the time that Antony made a date with Cleopatra?

* * * * *

=J. C. R.=--Yes, you are correct. The women’s wearing apparel nowadays are held up by nothing more than a string of beads on one side and the kindness of heaven on the other.

* * * * *

=Happy Harriet=--It is quite true that a teakettle full of water sings, but whoinel wants to be a teakettle.

* * * * *

=James B.=--I am not positive as to the number of years the government has been trying to obliterate moonshining in Kentucky. I do know, however, that they’re taking in lots of territory now.

* * * * *

Hubby: “Let’s name our darling baby ‘Prohibition.’”

Wifelets: “I should say not. He’ll never be a ‘dry’.”

* * * * *

Some Persuader

Brumbaugh--“I can’t see why Bert Kitchins married that ugly Miss Vanderpeel. Her money would not have been an inducement to me!”

Gimble--“No? Well, her father’s shotgun might have persuaded even you.”

* * * * *

Too Bad

Pelican: “Did you hear about the arrest of William Jennings Bryan?”

Belican: “No, what was it all about?”

Helican: “For feeling out the women delegation to see if they were wet or dry.”

* * * * *

Or a Second Bill Sunday

A father, wishing to satisfy himself as to the future prospects of his son, decided to make the following test:--“Now,” he said, “I will put here, where he will see them the first thing when he comes in, a Bible, some money, and a bottle of whiskey. If he takes the Bible he will be a preacher, if he takes the money he will be a business man, and if he takes the whiskey he will be no good.” Having thus decided on the plan, he arranged the articles and concealed himself to await the son and watch results. Presently in came the boy, saw the money and put it in his pocket, took up the bottle of whiskey and drank it, put the Bible under his arm and walked out whistling. “My gracious!” exclaimed the father, “he will soon be a United States Senator.”

* * * * *

Doggonit

A farmer friend of mine was standing in the road with a gun tucked under his arm and an old dog at his side. He was directly in the path of a motor car. The chauffeur sounded his horn, but the dog did not move--until he was struck. After that he did not move.

The automobile stopped and one of the men got out and came forward. He had once paid a farmer $10 for killing a calf that belonged to another farmer. This time he was wary.

“Was that your dog?”

“Yes.”

“You own him?”

“Yes.”

“Looks as if we’d killed him.”

“Certainly looks so.”

“Very valuable dog?”

“Well, not so very.”

“Will $5 satisfy you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, then, here you are.” He handed a $5 bill to the man with the gun, and said pleasantly, “I’m sorry to have broken up your hunt.”

“I wasn’t going hunting,” replied the other as he pocketed the bill.

“Not going hunting? Then what were you doing with the dog and the gun?”

“Going down to the river to shoot the dog.”

* * * * *

Too many women look upon a marriage certificate as a license to operate a holdup game.

* * * * *

Pickled Puppies

A lady entering a crowded train, requested a little boy if she might put his basket, which he had beside him, up in the rack so that she might sit there. He assented willingly.

A short time later the lady remarked, “Sonny, I’m afraid your pickles are leaking.”

Little boy, disgustedly, “Them ain’t pickles, lady, them’s puppies.”

* * * * *

Miss Marcella had a cat, The cat she had a feller; Their backyard concerts so annoyed Ma made Marcella sell her.

* * * * *

Speaking of society, we heard a good one the other night. A dude and his lady friend were tripping lightly back from the reception room when a rather stout lady whose gown started somewhere close to the ground and never could get strength enough to get any nearer to her shoulders, bumped into him. The dude was peeved and said aloud to his lady friend: “Like Balaam’s ass, some people are always getting in the way.” The fat dame, quick to retort, replied, “You are wrong. It was the angel who got in the way and the ass that spoke.”

* * * * *

Sayings of the Famous

Rastus Johnsing--“Mandy, the only thing that ever kept me a good man was your won’t power and my will power.”

* * * * *

Real photographs of the famous Mack Sennett water nymphs.

Just the thing for your den.

Size 3½×5½.

Positively the best on the market.

Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00.

Send money order or stamps.

Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included.

Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

_Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale terms._

* * * * *

_If BULL Was Music The Whiz Bang Might be Called a Brass Band_

* * * * *

_Everywhere!_

_WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 cents single copies; two-fifty a year._