Chapter 3
From my window {233b} in the cool of the summer twilight I look on the umbrageous chestnuts that droop into the river; Trinity library rears its stately proportions on the left; opposite is the bridge; over that, on the right, the thick dark foliage is blackening almost into sombreness as the night draws on. Immediately beneath are the arched cloisters resounding with the solitary footfall of meditative students, and suggesting grateful retirement. I say to myself then, as I sit in my open window, that for a continuance I would rather have this than any scene I have visited during the whole of our most enjoyed tour, and fetch down a Thucydides, for I must go to Shilleto at nine o’clock to-morrow.
Translation from an Unpublished Work of Herodotus
_This piece and the ten that follow it date from Butler’s undergraduate days_. _They were preserved by the late Canon Joseph McCormick_, _who was Butler’s contemporary at Cambridge and knew him well_.
_In a letter to_ THE TIMES, _published_ 27 _June_, 1902, _shortly after Butler’s death_, _Canon McCormick gave some interesting details of Butler’s Cambridge days_. “_I have in my possession_,” _he wrote_, “_some of the skits with which he amused himself and some of his personal friends_. _Perhaps the skit professed to be a translation from Thucydides_, _inimitable in its way_, _applied to Johnians in their successes or defeats on the river_, _or it was the_ ‘_Prospectus of the Great Split Society_,’ _attacking those who wished to form narrow or domineering parties in the College_, _or it was a very striking poem on Napoleon in St. Helena_, _or it was a play dealing with a visit to the Paris Exhibition_, _which he sent to_ PUNCH, _and which_, _strange to say_, _the editor never inserted_, _or it was an examination paper set to a gyp of a most amusing and clever character_.” _One at least of the pieces mentioned by Canon McCormick has unfortunately disappeared_. _Those that have survived are here published for what they are worth_. _There is no necessity to apologise for their faults and deficiencies_, _which do not_, _I think_, _obscure their value as documents illustrating the development of that gift of irony which Butler was afterwards to wield with such brilliant mastery_. ‘_Napoleon at St. Helena_’ _and_ ‘_The Shield of Achilles_’ _have already appeared in_ THE EAGLE, _December_, 1902; _the_ “_Translation from Herodotus_,” “_The Shield of Achilles_,” “_The Two Deans II_,” _and_ “_On the Italian Priesthood_,” _in_ THE NOTE-BOOKS OF SAMUEL BUTLER; _the_ “_Prospectus of the Great Split Society_” _and_ “_A Skit on Examinations_” _in_ THE EAGLE, _June_, 1913.
AND the Johnians practise their tub in the following manner: They select eight of the most serviceable freshmen and put these into a boat, and to each one of them they give an oar; and having told them to look at the backs of the men before them they make them bend forward as far as they can and at the same moment, and having put the end of the oar into the water pull it back again in to them about the bottom of the ribs; and if any of them does not do this or looks about him away from the back of the man before him they curse him in the most terrible manner, but if he does what he is bidden they immediately cry out:
“Well pulled, number so-and-so.”
For they do not call them by their names but by certain numbers, each man of them having a number allotted to him in accordance with his place in the boat, and the first man they call stroke, but the last man bow; and when they have done this for about fifty miles they come home again, and the rate they travel at is about twenty-five miles an hour; and let no one think that this is too great a rate, for I could say many other wonderful things in addition concerning the rowing of the Johnians, but if a man wishes to know these things he must go and examine them himself. But when they have done they contrive some such a device as this, for they make them run many miles along the side of the river in order that they may accustom them to great fatigue, and many of them being distressed in this way fall down and die, but those who survive become very strong, and receive gifts of cups from the others; and after the revolution of a year they have great races with their boats against those of the surrounding islanders, but the Johnians, both owing to the carefulness of the training and a natural disposition for rowing, are always victorious. In this way then the Johnians, I say, practise their tub.
The Shield of Achilles, with Variations
AND in it he placed the Fitzwilliam and King’s College Chapel and the lofty towered church of the Great Saint Mary, which looketh toward the Senate House, and King’s Parade and Trumpington Road and the Pitt Press and the divine opening of the Market Square and the beautiful flowing fountain which formerly Hobson laboured to make with skilful art; him did his father beget in the many-public-housed Trumpington from a slavey mother, and taught him blameless works; and he, on the other hand, sprang up like a young shoot, and many beautifully matched horses did he nourish in his stable, which used to convey his rich possessions to London and the various cities of the world; but oftentimes did he let them out to others and whensoever anyone was desirous of hiring one of the long-tailed horses, he took them in order so that the labour was equal to all, wherefore do men now speak of the choice of the renowned Hobson. And in it he placed the close of the divine Parker, and many beautiful undergraduates were delighting their tender minds upon it playing cricket with one another; and a match was being played and two umpires were quarrelling with one another; the one saying that the batsman who was playing was out, and the other declaring with all his might that he was not; and while they two were contending, reviling one another with abusive language, a ball came and hit one of them on the nose, and the blood flowed out in a stream, and darkness was covering his eyes, but the rest were crying out on all sides:
“Shy it up.”
And he could not; him then was his companion addressing with scornful words:
“Arnold, why dost thou strive with me since I am much wiser? Did I not see his leg before the wicket and rightly declare him to be out? Thee then has Zeus now punished according to thy deserts, and I will seek some other umpire of the game equally-participated-in-by-both-sides.”
And in it he placed the Cam, and many boats equally rowed on both sides were going up and down on the bosom of the deep-rolling river, and the coxswains were cheering on the men, for they were going to enter the contest of the scratchean fours; and three men were rowing together in a boat, strong and stout and determined in their hearts that they would either first break a blood-vessel or earn for themselves the electroplated-Birmingham-manufactured magnificence of a pewter to stand on their hall tables in memorial of their strength, and from time to time drink from it the exhilarating streams of beer whensoever their dear heart should compel them; but the fourth was weak and unequally matched with the others, and the coxswain was encouraging him and called him by name and spake cheering words:
“Smith, when thou hast begun the contest, be not flurried nor strive too hard against thy fate; look at the back of the man before thee and row with as much strength as the Fates spun out for thee on the day when thou fellest between the knees of thy mother, neither lose thine oar, but hold it tight with thy hands.”
Prospectus of the Great Split Society
IT is the object of this society to promote parties and splits in general, and since of late we have perceived disunion among friends to be not nearly so ripe as in the Bible it is plainly commanded to be, we the members of this club have investigated the means of producing, fostering, and invigorating strife of all kinds, whereby the society of man will be profited much. For in a few hours we can by the means we have discovered create so beautiful a dissension between two who have lately been friends, that they shall never speak of one another again, and their spirit is to be greatly admired and praised for this. And since it is the great goddess Talebearer who has contributed especially to our success, inasmuch as where she is not strife will cease as surely as the fire goeth out when there is no wood to feed it, we will erect an altar to her and perform monthly rites at her shrine in a manner hereafter to be detailed. And all men shall do homage to her, for who is there that hath not felt her benefits? And the rites shall be of a cheerful character, and all the world shall be right merry, and we will write her a hymn and Walmisley {239} shall set it to music. And any shall be eligible to this society by only changing his name; for this is one of its happiest hits, to give a name to each of its members arising from some mental peculiarity (which the gods and peacemakers call “foible”), whereby each being perpetually kept in mind of this defect and being always willing to justify it shall raise a clamour and cause much delight to the assembly.
And we will have suppers once a month both to do honour unto Talebearer and to promote her interest. And the society has laid down a form of conversation to be used at all such meetings, which shall engender quarrellings even in the most unfavourable dispositions, and inflame the anger of one and all; and having raised it shall set it going and start it on so firm a basis as that it may be left safely to work its own way, for there shall be no fear of its dying out.
And the great key to this admirable treasure-house is Self, who hath two beautiful children, Self-Love and Self-Pride . . . We have also aided our project much by the following contrivance, namely, that ten of the society, the same who have the longest tongues and ears, shall make a quorum to manage all affairs connected with it; and it is difficult to comprehend the amount of quarrelling that shall go on at these meetings.
And the monthly suppers shall be ordered in this way: Each man must take at least two tablespoonfuls of vinegar, which shall make the wit sharp, or in default thereof one teaspoonful of pepper and mustard; for the rest we leave the diet to the management of our stewards and bursars, but after the cloth has been removed the president shall single out some one of the company, and in a calm and friendly manner acquaint him with his faults and advise him in what way he may best amend the same. The member selected is compelled by the rules to remain silent for the space of three minutes, and is then to retort and bring up six instances. He is to call the present members to witness, and all are to take one side or the other, so that none be neutral, and the mêlée will doubtless become general, and we expect that much beautiful latent abusive talent will be developed in this way. But let all this be done with an air of great politeness, sincerity, and goodwill, at least at the commencement, for this, when evidently fictitious, is a two-edged sword of irritation.
And if any grow weak in spirit and retreat from this society, and afterwards repent and wish again to join, he shall be permitted to do so on condition of repeating the words, “Oh, ah!” “Lor!” “Such is life,” “That’s cheerful,” “He’s a lively man, is Mr. So-and-so” ten times over. For these are refreshing and beautiful words and mean much (!), they are the emblems of such talent.
And any members are at liberty to have small meetings among themselves, especially to tea, whereat they may enjoy the ever fresh and pleasant luxury of scandal and mischief-making, and prepare their accusations and taunts for the next general meeting; and this is not only permitted but enjoined and recommended strongly to all the members.
And sentences shall be written for the training of any young hand who wishes to become one of us, since none can hope to arrive at once at the pitch of perfection to which the society has brought the art. And if that any should be heard of his own free will and invention uttering one or more of these sentences and by these means indicate much talent in the required direction, he shall be waited on by a committee of the club and induced, if possible, to join us, for he will be an acquisition; and the sentences required are such as: “I think so-and-so a very jolly fellow, indeed I don’t know a man in the college I like better than so-and-so, but I don’t care twopence about him, at least it is all the same to me whether he cuts me or not.”
The beauty of this sentence is not at first appreciable, for though self-deceit and self-satisfaction are both very powerfully demonstrated in it, and though these are some of the society’s most vehement supporters, yet it is the good goddess Talebearer who nourisheth the seed of mischief thus sown.
It is also strictly forbidden by this society’s laws to form a firm friendship grounded upon esteem and a perception of great and good qualities in the object of one’s liking, for this kind of friendship lasts a long time—nay, for life; but each member must have a furious and passionate running after his friend for the time being, insomuch that he could never part for an instant from him. And when the society sees this it feels comfortable, for it is quite certain that its objects are being promoted, for this cannot be brought about by any but unnatural means and is the foundation and very soul of quarrelling. The stroking of the hair and affectionate embracings are much recommended, for they are so manly.
And at the suppers and the rites of Talebearer each member is to drop an anonymous opinion of some other member’s character into a common letter box, and the president shall read them out. Each member is to defend himself; the formula for the commencement of each speech being: “I know who wrote that about me, and it is a very blackguardly thing of him to say . . . ”
N.B.—Any number of persons are allowed to speak at the same time. By these means it is hoped to restore strife and dissension to the world, now alas! so fatally subjugated to a mean-spirited thing called Charity, which during the last month has been perfectly rampant in the college. Yes, we will give a helping hand to bickerings, petty jealousies, back-bitings, and all sorts of good things, and will be as jolly as ninepence and—who’ll be the first president?
Powers
BUT, my son, think not that it is necessary for thee to be excellent if thou wouldst be powerful. Observe how the lighter substance in nature riseth by its own levity and overtoppeth that which is the more grave. Even so, my son, mayest thou be light and worthless, and yet make a goodly show above those who are of a more intrinsic value than thyself. But as much circumspection will be necessary for thee to attain this glorious end, and as by reason of thy youth thou art liable to miss many of the most able and effective means of becoming possessed of it, hear the words of an old man and treasure them in thy heart. The required qualities, my son, are easily procured; many are naturally gifted with them. In order, however, that thou mayest keep them in set form in thy mind commit to memory the following list of requisites: Love of self, love of show, love of sound, reserve, openness, distrust.
The love of self, which shall chiefly manifest itself in the obtaining the best of all things for thyself to the exclusion of another, be he who he may; and as meal-times are the fittest occasion for the exercise of this necessary quality, I will even illustrate my meaning that thou mayest the more plainly comprehend me. Suppose that many are congregated to a breakfast and there is a dish of kidneys on the table, but not so many but what the greater number must go without them, cry out with a loud voice, immediately that thou hast perceived them: “Kidneys! Oh, ah! I say, G., old fellow, give us some kidneys.” Then will the master of the house be pleased that he hath provided something to thy liking, and as others from false shame will fear to do the like thou wilt both obtain that thy soul desireth, and be looked upon by thy fellows as a bold fellow and one who knoweth how to make his way in the world, and G. will say immediately: “Waiter, take this to Mr. Potguts,” and he taketh them, and so on, my son, with all other meats that are on the table, see thou refrain not from one of them, for a large appetite well becometh a power, or if not a large one then a dainty one. But if thine appetite be small and dainty see thou express contempt for a large eater as one inferior to thyself. Or again, my son, if thou art not at a banquet but enterest any room where there are many met together, see thou take the arm-chair or the best seat or couch, or what other place of comfort is in the room; and if there be another power in the room as well as thyself see thou fight with him for it, and if thou canst by any craft get rid of him an he be more thickly set than thyself, see that thou do this openly and with a noise, that all men may behold and admire thee, for they will fear thee and yield and not venture to reprove thee openly; and so long as they dare not, all will be well. Nevertheless I would have thee keep within certain bounds, lest men turn upon thee if thy rule is too oppressive to be borne. And under this head I would class also the care and tending of the sick; for in the first place the sick have many delicacies which those who are sound have not, so that if thou lay the matter well, thou mayest obtain the lion’s share of these things also. But more particularly the minds of men being weak and easily overpowered when they are in sickness, thou shalt obtain much hold over them, and when they are well (whether thou didst really comfort them or not) they will fear to say aught against thee, lest men shall accuse them of ingratitude. But above all see thou do this openly and in the sight of men, who thinking in consequence that thy heart is very soft and amiable notwithstanding a few outward defects, will not fail to commend thee and submit to thee the more readily, and so on all counts thou art the gainer, and it will serve thee as an excuse with the authorities for the neglect or breach of duty. But all this is the work of an exceedingly refined and clever power and not absolutely necessary, but I have named it as a means of making thy yoke really the lighter but nevertheless the more firmly settled upon the neck of thy fellows. So much then for the love of self.
As for the love of show this is to display itself in thy dress, in the trimming or in the growth of thy whiskers, in thy walk and carriage, in the company thou keepest, seeing that thou go with none but powers or men of wealth or men of title, and caring not so much for men of parts, since these commonly deal less in the exterior and are not fit associates, for thou canst have nothing in common with them. When thou goest to thy dinner let a time elapse, so that thine entry may cause a noise and a disturbance, and when after much bustling thou hast taken thy seat, say not: “Waiter, will you order me green peas and a glass of college,” but say: “Waiter (and then a pause), peas,” and then suffer him to depart, and when he hath gone some little way recall him with a loud voice, which shall reach even unto the ears of the fellows, say, “and, waiter, college”; and when they are brought unto thee complain bitterly of the same. When thou goest to chapel talk much during the service, or pray much; do not the thing by halves; thou must either be the very religious power, which kind though the less remarked yet on the whole hath the greater advantage, or the thoughtless power, but above all see thou combine not the two, at least not in the same company, but let thy religion be the same to the same men. Always, if thou be a careless power, come in late to chapel and hurriedly; sit with the other powers and converse with them on the behaviour of others or any other light and agreeable topic. And, as I said above, under this love of show thou must include the choice of thine acquaintance, and as it is not possible for thee to order it so as not to have knowledge of certain men whom it will not be convenient for thee to know at all times and in all places, see thou cultivate those two excellent defects of both sight and hearing which will enable thee to pass one thou wouldst not meet, without seeing him or hearing his salutation. If thou hast a cousin or schoolfellow who is somewhat rustic or uncouth in his manner but nevertheless hath an excellent heart, know him in private in thine individual capacity, but when thou art abroad or in the company of other powers shun him as if he were a venomous thing and deadly. Again, if thou sittest at table with a man at the house of a friend and laughest and talkest with him and playest pleasant, if he be not perfect in respect of externals see thou pass him the next day without a smile, even though he may have prepared his countenance for a thousand grins; but if in the house of the same friend or another thou shouldst happen to stumble upon him, deal with him as though thy previous conversation had broken off but five minutes previously; but should he be proud and have all nothing to say unto thee, forthwith calumniate him to thine acquaintance as a sorry-spirited fellow and mean.
And with regard to smoking, though that, too, is advantageous, it is not necessary so much for the power as for the fast man, for the power is a more calculating and thoughtful being than this one; but if thou smokest, see that others know it; smoke cigars if thou canst afford them; if not, say thou wonderest at such as do, for to thy liking a pipe is better. And with regard to all men except thine own favoured and pre-eminent clique, designate them as “cheerful,” “lively,” or use some other ironical term with regard to them. So much then for the love of show.
And of the love of sound I would have thee observe that it is but a portion of the love of show, but so necessary for him who would be admired without being at the same time excellent and worthy of admiration as to deserve a separate heading to itself. At meal-times talk loudly, laugh loudly, condemn loudly; if thou sneezest sneeze loudly; if thou call the waiter do so with a noise and, if thou canst, while he is speaking to another and receiving orders from him; it will be a convenient test of thine advance to see whether he will at once quit the other in the midst of his speech with him and come to thee, or will wait until the other hath done; if thou handle it well he will come to thee at once. When others are in their rooms, as thou passeth underneath their windows, sing loudly and all men will know that a power goeth by and will hush accordingly; if thou hast a good voice it will profit thee much, if a bad one, care not so long as it be a loud one; but above all be it remembered that it is to be loud at all times and not low when with powers greater than thyself, for this damneth much—even powers being susceptible of awe, when they shall behold one resolutely bent to out-top them, and thinking it advisable to lend such an one a helping hand lest he overthrow them—but if thy voice be not a loud one, thou hadst better give up at once the hope of rising to a height by thine own skill, but must cling to and flatter those who have, and if thou dost this well thou wilt succeed.