Chapter 12

_From its saluation to its signature a business letter must hold the interest of the reader or fail in its purpose. The most important sentence in it is obviously the_ FIRST _one, for upon it depends whether the reader will dip further into the letter or discard it into the waste basket_. IN THAT FIRST SENTENCE THE WRITER HAS HIS CHANCE. _If he is really capable, he will not only attract the reader's interest in that first sentence, but put him into a receptive mood for the message that follows. Here are some sample ways of "opening" a business letter_

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No matter how large your tomorrow morning's mail, it is probable that you will glance through the first paragraph of every letter you open. If it catches your attention by reference to something in which you are interested, or by a clever allusion or a striking head line or some original style, it is probable you will read at least the next paragraph or two. But if these paragraphs do not keep up your interest the letter will be passed by unfinished. If you fail to give the letter a full reading the writer has only himself to blame. He has not taken advantage of his opportunity to carry your interest along and develop it until he has driven his message home, point by point.

In opening the letter the importance of the salutation must not be ignored. If a form letter from some one who does not know Mr. Brown, personally, starts out "Dear Mr. Brown," he is annoyed. A man with self-respect resents familiarity from a total stranger--someone who has no interest in him except as a possible customer for his commodity.

If a clerk should address a customer in such a familiar manner it would be looked upon as an insult. Yet it is no uncommon thing to receive letters from strangers that start out with one of these salutations:

"Dear Benson:" "My dear Mr. Benson:" "Respected Friend:" "Dear Brother:"

While it is desirable to get close to the reader; and you want to talk to him in a very frank manner and find a point of personal contact, this assumption of friendship with a total stranger disgusts a man before he begins your letter. You start out with a handicap that is hard to overcome, and an examination of a large number of letters using such salutations are enough to create suspicion for all; too often they introduce some questionable investment proposition or scheme that would never appeal to the hard-headed, conservative business man.

"Dear Sir" or "Gentlemen" is the accepted salutation, at least until long correspondence and cordial relations justify a more intimate greeting. The ideal opening, of course, strikes a happy medium between too great formality on the one hand and a cringing servility or undue familiarity on the other hand.

No one will dispute the statement that the reason so many selling campaigns fail is not because of a lack of merit in the propositions themselves but because they are not effectively presented.

For most business men read their letters in a receptive state of mind. The letterhead may show that the message concerns a duplicating machine and the one to whom it is addressed may feel confident in his own mind that he does not want a duplicating machine. At the same time he is willing to read the letter, for it may give him some new idea, some practical suggestion as to how such a device would be a good investment and make money for him. He is anxious to learn how the machine may be related to his particular problems. But it is not likely that he has time or sufficient interest to wade through a long letter starting out:

"We take pleasure in sending you under separate cover catalogue of our latest models of Print-Quicks, and we are sure it will prove of interest to you."

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The man who has been sufficiently interested in an advertisement to send for a catalogue finds his interest cooling rapidly when he picks up a letter that starts out like this:

"We have your valued inquiry of recent date, and we take pleasure in acknowledging," and so forth.

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Suppose the letter replying to his inquiry starts out in this style:

"The picture on page 5 of our catalogue is a pretty fair one, but I wish you could see the desk itself."

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The reader's attention is immediately gripped and he reaches for the catalogue to look at the picture on page five.

To get attention and arouse interest, avoid long-spun introductions and hackneyed expressions. Rambling sentences and loose paragraphs have proved the graveyard for many excellent propositions. Time-worn expressions and weather-beaten phrases are poor conductors, there, is too much resistance-loss in the current of the reader's interest.

The best way to secure attention naturally depends upon the nature of the proposition and the class of men to whom the letter is written.

One of the most familiar methods is that known to correspondents as the "mental shock." The idea is to put at the top of the letter a "Stop! Look! Listen!" sign. Examples of this style are plentiful:

THIS MEANS MONEY TO YOU--_BIG MONEY_ LET ME PAY YOUR NEXT MONTH'S RENT READ IT--ON OUR WORD IT'S WORTH READING STOP SHOVELING YOUR MONEY INTO THE FURNACE NOW LISTEN! I WANT A PERSONAL WORD WITH YOU CUT YOUR LIGHT BILL IN HALF

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Such introductions have undoubtedly proved exceedingly effective at times, but like many other good things, the idea has been overworked. The catch-line of itself sells no goods and to be effective it must be followed by trip-hammer arguments. Interest created in this way is hard to keep up.

The correspondent may use a catch-line, just as the barker at a side show uses a megaphone--the noise attracts a crowd but it does not sell the tickets. It is the "spiel" the barker gives that packs the tent. And so the average man is not influenced so much by a bold catch-line in his letters as by the paragraphs that follow. Some correspondents even run a catch-line in red ink at the top of the page, but these yellow journal "scare-heads" fall short with the average business proposition.

Then attention may be secured, not by a startling sentence but by the graphic way in which a proposition is stated. Here is an opening that starts out with a clear-cut swing:

"If we were to offer you a hundred-dollar bill as a gift we take it for granted that you would be interested. If, then, our goods will mean to you many times that sum every year isn't the proposition still more interesting? Do you not want us to demonstrate what we say? Are you not willing to invest a little of your time watching this demonstration?"

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This reference to a hundred-dollar bill creates a concrete image in the mind of the reader. The letters that first used this attention-getter proved so effective that the idea has been worked over in many forms. Here is the effective way one correspondent starts out:

"If this letter were printed on ten-dollar bills it could scarcely be more valuable to you than the offer it now contains. You want money; we want your business. Let's go into partnership."

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Here is a letter sent out by a manufacturer of printing presses:

"If your press feeders always showed up on Monday morning; if they were never late, never got tired, never became careless, never grumbled about working overtime, you would increase the output of your plant, have less trouble, make more money--that is why you will be interested in the Speedwell Automatic feeding attachment."

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This paragraph summarizes many of the troubles of the employing printer. It "gets under his skin," it is graphic, depicting one of the greatest problems of his business and so he is certain to read the letter and learn more about the solution that it offers.

This same paragraph might also be used as a good illustration of that effective attention-getter, the quick appeal to the problems that are of most concern to the reader. The one great trouble with the majority of letters is that they start out with "we" and from first to last have a selfish viewpoint:

"We have your valued inquiry of recent date and, as per your request, we take pleasure in enclosing herewith a copy of our latest catalogue," and so forth.

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Don't begin by talking about yourself, your company, your business, your growth, your progress, your improved machinery, your increased circulation, your newly invested capital. The reader has not the faintest interest in you or your business until he can see some connection between it and his own welfare. By itself it makes no play whatever to his attention; it must first be coupled up with his problems and his needs.

Begin by talking about him, his company, his business, his progress, his troubles, his disappointments, his needs, his ambition.

That is where he lives day and night. Knock at that door and you will find him at home. Touch upon some vital need in his business-- some defect or tangle that is worrying him--some weak spot that he wants to remedy--some cherished ambition that haunts him--and you will have rung the bell of his interest. A few openings that are designed to get the reader's attention and induce him to read farther, are shown here:

"Your letter reached me at a very opportune time as I have been looking for a representative in your territory."

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"By using this code you can telegraph us for any special article you want and it will be delivered at your store the following morning. This will enable you to compete with the large mail-order houses. It will give you a service that will mean more business and satisfied customers."

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"You can save the wages of one salesman in every department of your store. Just as you save money by using a typewriter, addressograph, adding machine, cash register and other modern equipments, so you can save it by installing a Simplex."

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"Don't you want to know how to add two thousand square feet of display to some department of your store in exchange for twenty feet of wall?"

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"Yes, there is a mighty good opening in your territory for hustling salesmen. You will receive a complete outfit by express so you can start at once."

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Keep the interest of the reader in mind. No matter how busy he is, he will find time to read your letter if you talk about his problems and his welfare.

Some correspondents, having taken only the first lesson in business letter writing, over-shoot the mark with a lot of "hot air" that is all too apparent. Here is the opening paragraph from one of these writers:

"By the concise and business-like character of your letter of inquiry we know that you would be very successful in the sale of our typewriters. This personal and confidential circular letter is sent only to a few of our selected correspondents whom we believe can be placed as general agents."

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As a matter of fact, the gentleman to whom this letter was sent had written with a lead pencil on a post card asking for further particulars regarding propositions to salesmen. It is a good illustration of the form letter gone wrong. The inquirer had not written a concise and business-like letter and there was not the slightest reason why the firm should send him a personal and confidential proposition and if the proposition were really confidential, it would not be printed in a circular letter.

Here is the opening paragraph of a letter typical in its lack of originality and attention-getting qualities:

"We are in receipt of yours of recent date and in reply wish to state that you will find under separate cover a copy of our latest catalogue, illustrating and describing our Wonder Lighting System. We are sure the information contained in this catalogue will be of interest to you."

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Not only is the paragraph devoid of interest-getting features, but it is written from the wrong standpoint--"we" instead of "you."

Re-write the paragraph and the reader is certain to have his interest stimulated:

"The catalogue is too large to enclose with this letter and so you will find it in another envelope. You will find on page 4 a complete description of the Wonder System of Lighting, explaining just how it will cut down your light bill. This system is adapted to use in stores, factories, public halls and homes--no matter what you want you will find it listed in this catalogue."

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Then it is possible to secure attention by some familiar allusion, some reference to facts with which the reader is familiar:

"In our fathers' day, you know, all fine tableware was hand forged--that meant quality but high cost."

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The opening statement secures the assent of the reader even before he knows what the proposition is. Sometimes an allusion may be introduced that does not come home so pointedly to the reader but the originality of the idea appeals to him. By its very cleverness he is led to read further. Here is the beginning of a letter sent out by an advertising man and commercial letter writer:

"The Prodigal Son might have started home much sooner had he received an interesting letter about the fatted calf that awaited his coming.

"The right sort of a letter would have attracted his attention, aroused his interest, created a desire and stimulated him to action."

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Then there is the opening that starts out with an appeal to human interest. It is the one opening where the writer can talk about himself and still get attention and work up interest:

"Let me tell you how I got into the mail order business and made so much money out of it."

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"I wish I could have had the opportunity thirty years ago that you have today. Did I ever tell you how I started out?"

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"I have been successful because I have confidence in other people."

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"I was talking to Mr. Phillips, the president of our institution, this morning, and he told me that you had written to us concerning our correspondence course."

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These personal touches bring the writer and reader close together and pave the way for a man-to-man talk.

Then there is a way of getting attention by some novel idea, something unusual in the typography of the letter, some unusual idea. One mail-order man puts these two lines written with a typewriter across the top of his letterheads:

"EVEN IF YOU HAD TO PAY TO SECURE A COPY OF THIS LETTER--OR HAD TO TAKE A DAY OFF TO READ IT--YOU COULD NOT AFFORD TO FAIL TO CONSIDER IT."

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Few men would receive a letter like that without taking the time to read it, at least hurriedly, and if the rest of the argument is presented with equal force the message is almost sure to be carried home.

Another mail-order house sending out form letters under one-cent postage, inserts this sentence directly under the date line, to the right of the name and address:

"Leaving our letter unsealed for postal inspection is the best proof that our goods are exactly as represented."

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The originality of the idea impresses one. There is no danger that the letter will be shunted into the waste basket without a reading.

There are times when it is necessary to disarm the resentment of the reader in the very first paragraph, as, for instance, when there has been a delay in replying to a letter. An opening that is all too common reads:

"I have been so extremely busy that your letter has not received my attention."

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Or the writer may be undiplomatic enough to say:

"Pardon delay. I have been so much engaged with other matters that I have not found time to write you."

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The considerate correspondent is always careful that his opening does not rub the wrong way. One writer starts out by saying:

"You have certainly been very patient with me in the matter of your order and I wish to thank you for this."

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Here are the first five paragraphs of a two-page letter from an investment firm. The length of the letter is greatly against it and the only hope the writer could have, would be in getting the attention firmly in the opening paragraph:

"My dear Mr. Wilson:

"I want to have a personal word with you to explain this matter.

"I don't like to rush things; I believe in taking my time. I always try to do it. I want you to do the same thing, but there are exceptions to all rules: sometimes we cannot do things just the way we want to and at the same time reap all the benefits.

"Here is the situation. I went out to the OIL FIELDS OF CALIFORNIA and while there I DID DEVOTE PLENTY AND AMPLE TIME TO PROPER INVESTIGATION. I went into the thing thoroughly. I went there intending to INVEST MY OWN MONEY if I found things right.

"My main object in leaving for California was to INVESTIGATE FOR MY CLIENTS, but I would not advise my clients to invest THEIR money unless the situation was such that I would invest MY OWN money. That's where I stand--first, last and all the time.

"I don't go into the torrid deserts in the heat of the summer and stay there for weeks just for fun. There is no fun or pleasure to it, let me tell you. It's hard work when one investigates properly, and I surely did it right. I guess you know that."

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The letter is not lacking in style; the writer knows how to put things forcibly, but he takes up half a page of valuable space before he says anything vital to his subject. See how much stronger his letter would have been had he started with the fifth paragraph, following it with the fourth paragraph.

The great weakness in many letters is padding out the introduction with non-essential material. It takes the writer too long to get down to his proposition. Here is a letter from a concern seeking to interest agents:

"We are in receipt of your valued inquiry and we enclose herewith full information in regard to the E. Z. Washing Compound and our terms to agents.

"We shall be pleased to mail you a washing sample post-paid on receipt of four cents in two-cent stamps or a full size can for ten cents, which amount you may subtract from your first order, thus getting the sample free. We would like to send you a sample without requiring any deposit but we have been so widely imposed upon by 'sample grafters' in the past that we can no longer afford to do this."

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The first paragraph is hackneyed and written from the standpoint of the writer rather than that of the reader. The second paragraph is a joke. Seven lines, lines that ought to be charged with magnetic, interest-getting statements, are devoted to explaining why ten cents' worth of samples are not sent free, but that this "investment" will be deducted from the first order. What is the use of saving a ten-cent sample if you lose the interest of a possible agent, whose smallest sales would amount to several times this sum?

It is useless to spend time and thought in presenting your proposition and working in a clincher unless you get attention and stimulate the reader's interest in the beginning. Practically everyone will read your opening paragraph--whether he reads further will depend upon those first sentences.

Do not deceive yourself by thinking that because your proposition is interesting to you, it will naturally be interesting to others. Do not put all your thought on argument and inducements--the man to whom you are writing may never read that far.

Lead up to your proposition from the reader's point of view; couple up your goods with his needs; show him where he will benefit and he will read your letter through to the postscript. Get his attention and arouse his interest--then you are ready to present your proposition.

How To _Present_ Your PROPOSITION