Part 3

Here is a John, by moon-light, (a fat monk) Lying stone _dead_; and, here, a Roger, _quick_! And over John stands Roger, in a funk, Supposing he has kill'd him with a brick!

There, Painters! there! Now, by Apelles's gamboge, I swear!

Such a dead subject never comes, Among those _lifeless living_ ye display; Then, thro' your palettes thrust your graphick thumbs,-- And work away!

Seeing John dead as a door nail, Roger began to wring his hands, and wail; Calling himself, Beast, Butcher, cruel Turk! Thrice "_Benedicite!_" he mutter'd; Thrice, in the eloquence of grief he utter'd; "I've done a pretty job of journey-work!"

Some people will shew symptoms of repentance When Conscience, like a chastening Angel, smites 'em; Some from mere dread of the Law's sentence, When Newgate, like the very Devil, frights 'em;--

_That_ Virtue's struggles, in the heart, denotes, _This_ Vice's hints, to men's left ears, and throats.

Now Roger's conscience, it appears, Was not, by half, so lively as his fears.

His breast, soon after he was born, Grew like an Hostler's lantern, at an Inn; All the circumference was dirty horn, And feebly blink'd the ray of warmth within.

In short, for one of his religious function, His Conscience was both cowardly and callous; No melting Cherub whisper'd to't "Compunction!" But grim Jack Ketch disturb'd it, crying "Gallows!"

And all his sorrow, for this deed abhorr'd, Was nothing but antipathy to _cord_.

A padlock'd door stood in the garden wall, Where John, by Roger's brick-bat, chance'd to fall, And Roger had a key that could undo it; Thro' this same door, at any time of day, They brought, into the Convent, corn, and hay;---- Sometimes, at dusk, a pretty girl came thro' it: Just to confess herself, to some grave codger; Perhaps, she came to John,--perhaps, to Roger.

Out at this portal Roger made a shift To lug his worst of foes: For, seizing (as the gout was wont) his toes, He dragg'd the load he couldn't lift.

Achilles, thus, drew round the Trojan plain, The ten years' Adversary he had slain.--

Yet,--for I scorn a Grecian to disparage,-- Achilles in more style, and splendour, did it; _He_ sported Murder strapp'd behind his carriage,-- But _bourgeois_ Roger sneak'd on foot, and hid it.

Roger, however, labour'd on,-- Puffing and tugging;-- And hauling John, As fishermen, on shore, haul up a boat; Till, after a great deal of lugging, He lugg'd him to the edge of the Knight's moat; And stuck him up so straight upon his rear, Touching, almost, the water, with his heels, That the defunct might pass, not seen too near, For some fat gentleman who bobb'd for eels.

Swiftly did Roger, then, retrace his ground, Lighter than he came out, by many a pound.

So have I seen, on Marlb'rough downs, a hack, Ease'd of a great man's chaise, and coming back, From Bladud's springs, upon the western road; No bloated Noble's luggage at his rump, Whose doom's, that dread of pick-pockets, the pump, He canters home, from Bath, without his load.

Sir Thomas being scrupulous, and queasy, Couldn't, in all this interval, be easy.

He went to bed;--and, there, began to burn; Nine times he turn'd, in wondrous perturbation;-- He woke her Ladyship, at every turn, And gave her, full nine times, complete vexation.

To seek the Duke of Limbs, at length, he rose, And prowl'd with him, lamenting Fortune's stripes; Now in the rookery among the crows, Now squashing in the marsh, among the snipes:

Wishing strange wishes;--among many, He wish'd--ere he had clapp'd his eyes on any.

All Priests, and Crabsticks, thrown into the fire;-- Or, seeing Providence ordain'd it so, That Priest, and Crabstick, (to his grief) must grow, He wish'd stout Crabstick couldn't kill fat Friar.

Men's wishes will be partial, now and then;-- As, in this case, 'tis plainly seen; Wherein, Sir Thomas, full of spleen, Wish'd to burn all the Crabs, and Clergymen.

Think ye that _he_,--at wishing tho' a dab,-- To wish such harm to any _Knight_ would urge ye? Yet he, a Knight, had taken up a Crab, And thump'd to death, with it, one of the Clergy.

As he went wishing on, With the great Duke of Limbs behind him,-- Horror on horror!--he saw John Where least of all he ever thought to find him:

Stuck up, on end, in placid grace, Like a stuff'd Kangaroo,--tho' vastly fatter,-- With the full moon upon his chubby face, Like a brass pot-lid shining on a platter.

"'Sdeath!" quoth the Knight, of half his powers bereft, "Didst thou not tell me _where_ this Friar was left? Men rise again, _to push us from our stools_!"[14] To which the Duke replied, with steady phiz,-- "Them as took pains to push that Friar from _his_, At such a time o'night, was cursed fools."

[14] Shakspeare certainly borrow'd this expression from Sir Thomas.--See _Macbeth_.

"Ah!" sigh'd Sir Thomas, "while I wander here, By fortune stamp'd a Homicide, alas!" (And, as he spoke, a penitential tear Mingled with Heaven's dew-drops, on the grass;)-- "Will no one from my eyes yon Spectre pull?" "Sir Thomas," said the Duke of Limbs, "I wool."

He would have thrown the garbage in the moat, But the Knight told him fat was prone to float.

The Lout, at length, having bethought him, Heave'd up the Friar on his back once more; And (Castles having armories of yore) Into the Knight's old Armory he brought him.

Among the gorgeous, shining Coats of Mail, That grace'd the walls, on high, in gallant shew,-- As pewter pots, in houses fame'd for ale, Glitter, above the Bar-maid, in a row,--

A curious, antique suit was hoarded, Cover'd with dust; Which had, for many years, afforded An iron dinner to that ostrich, Rust.

Though this was all too little,--in a minute, The Duke of Limbs ramm'd the fat Friar in it; So a good Housewife takes a narrow skin, To make black puddings, and stuffs hog's meat in.

The Knight, who saw this ceremony pass, Inquire'd the meaning; when the Duke did say,-- "I'll tie him on ould Dumpling, that's at grass, And turn him out, a top of the highway."

This Steed,--who now, it seems, was grazing,-- In the French wars had often borne the Knight;-- His symmetry beyond the power of praising, And prouder than Bucephalus, in fight!

Once, how he paw'd the ground, and snuff'd the gale! Uncropp'd his ears, undock'd his flowing tail; No blemish was within him, nor without him; Perfect he was in every part;-- No barbarous Farrier, with infernal art, Had mutilated the least bit about him.

Of high Arabian pedigree, Father of many four-foot babes was he; And sweet hoof'd Beauties still would he be rumpling; But, counting five and twenty from his birth, At grass for life, unwieldy in the girth, He had obtain'd, alas! the name of Dumpling.

Now, at the postern stood the gay old Charger; Saddle'd, and house'd,--in full caparison!-- Now on his back,--no rider larger,-- Upright, and stiff, and tied with cords, sat John: Arm'd cap-à-pié completely, like a knight Going to fight.

A Lance was in the rest, of stately beech: Nothing was wanting, but a Page, or 'Squire;-- The Duke, with thistles, switch'd old Dumpling's breech; And off he clatter'd with the martial Friar.

Now, in the Convent let us take a peep,-- Where Roger, like Sir Thomas, couldn't sleep:

Instead of singing requiems, and psalms, For fat John's soul, he had been seize'd with qualms, Thinking it would be rash to tarry there;-- And having, prudently, resolve'd on flight, Knock'd up a neighbouring miller, in the night, And borrow'd his grey Mare.

Thus, trotting off,--beneath a row of trees He saw "a sight that made his marrow freeze!" A furious Warrior follow'd him, in mail, Upon a Charger, close at his Mare's tail!

He cross'd himself!--and, canting, cried, Oh, sadly have I sinned! Then stuck his heels in his Mare's side; And, then, old Dumpling whinny'd!

Roger whipp'd, and Roger spurr'd, Distilling drops of fear! But while he spurr'd, still, still he heard The wanton Dumpling at his rear.

'Twas dawn!--he look'd behind him, in the chase; When, lo! the features of fat John,-- His beaver up, and pressing on,-- Glare'd, ghastly, in the wretched Roger's face!

The Miller's Mare, who oft had gone the way, Scamper'd with Roger into Norwich town; And, there, to all the market-folks' dismay, Old Dumpling beat the mare, with Roger, down.

Brief let me be;--the Story soon took air;-- For Townsmen are inquisitive, of course, When a live Monk rides in upon a Mare, Chase'd by a dead one, arm'd, upon a Horse.

Sir Thomas up to London sped, full fast, To beg his life, and lands, of Royal Harry, And, for his services, in Gallia, past, His suit did not miscarry:--

For, in those days,--thank Heaven they are mended!-- Kings hang'd poor Rogues, while rich ones were befriended.

YE CRITICKS, and ye HYPER-CRITICKS!--who Have deign'd (in reading this my story thro') A patient, or impatient, ear to lend me,-- If, as I humbly amble, ye complain I give my Pegasus too loose a rein, 'Tis time to call _my Betters_ to defend me.

Come, SWIFT! who made so merry with the Nine; With thy far bolder Muse, Oh, shelter mine! When she is style'd a slattern, and a trollop;-- Force stubborn Gravity to doff his gloom; Point to thy Cælia, and thy Dressing-Room, Thy Nymph at bed-time, and thy fame'd Maw-Wallop!

Come, STERNE!--whose prose, with all a Poet's art, Tickles the fancy, while it melts the heart!-- Since at apologies I ne'er was handy,-- Come, while fastidious Readers run me hard, And screen, sly playful wag! a hapless Bard, Behind one volume of thy Tristram Shandy!

_Ye Two, alone!_--tho' I could bring a score Of brilliant names, and high examples, more-- Plead for me, when 'tis said I misbehave me! And, ye, _sour Censors_! in your crabbed fits, Who will not let them rescue me as _Wits_, Prithee, as _Parsons_, suffer 'em to save me!

THE ELDER BROTHER.

CENTRICK, in London noise, and London follies, Proud Covent Garden blooms, in smoky glory; For chairmen, coffee-rooms, piazzas, dollies, Cabbages, and comedians, fame'd in story!

On this gay spot, (upon a sober plan,) Dwelt a right regular, and staid, young man;-- Much did he early hours and quiet love; And was entitle'd Mr. Isaac Shove.

An Orphan he;--yet rich in expectations, (Which nobody seem'd likely to supplant,) From, that prodigious _bore_ of all relations, A fusty, canting, stiff-rump'd Maiden Aunt: The wealthy Miss Lucretia Cloghorty,-- Who had brought Isaac up, and _own'd_ to forty.

Shove on this maiden's Will relied securely; Who vow'd she ne'er would wed, to mar his riches; Full often would she say of men demurely,-- "I can't abide the filthy things in breeches!"

He had Apartments up two pair of stairs; On the first floor lodge'd Doctor Crow;-- The Landlord was a torturer of hairs, And made a grand display of wigs, below; From the beau's Brutus, to the parson's grizzle:-- Over the door-way was his name;--'twas Twizzle.

Now, you must know, This Doctor Crow Was not of Law, nor Music, nor Divinity;-- He was _obstetrick_;--but, the fact is, He didn't in Lucina's _turnpike_ practise; He took _bye-roads_,--reducing Ladies' shapes, Who had secure'd themselves from leading apes, But kept the reputation of virginity.

Crow had a roomy tenement of brick, Enclose'd with walls, one mile from Hyde Park corner; Fir trees, and yews, were planted round it, thick;-- No situation was _forlorner_![15] Yet, notwithstanding folks might scout it, It suited qualmish Spinsters, who fell sick, And didn't wish the world to know about it.

[15] This seems to be a _new comparative_; for which the Author takes to himself due credit;--Novelty being scarce in poetical compositions.

Here many a single gentlewoman came, _Pro tempore_,--full tender of her fame! Who, for a while, took leave of friends in town;-- "Business, forsooth! to Yorkshire call'd her down, Too weighty to be settle'd by Attorney!"-- And, in a month's, or six weeks' time, came back! When every body cried, "Good lack! How monstrous _thin_ you've grown, upon your journey!"

The Doctor, knowing that a puff of Scandal Would blow his private trade to tatters, Dreaded to give the smallest handle To those who dabble in their neighbours' matters; Therefore, he wisely held it good To hide his practice from the neighbourhood, And not appear, there, as a resident; But merely one who, casually, went To see the lodgers in the large brick house;-- To lounge, and chat, not minding time a souse;-- Like one to whom all business was quite foreign;-- And, thus, he visited his female sick; Who lay as thick, Within his tenement of brick, As rabbits in a warren.

He lodge'd in Covent Garden all the while, And, if they sent, in haste, for his assistance, He soon was with 'em;--'twas no mighty distance;-- From the town's end it was but a bare mile.

Now Isaac Shove Living above This Doctor Crow, And knowing Barber Twizzle live'd below, Thought it might be as well, Hearing so many knocks, single and double, To buy, at his own cost, a street-door bell, And save confusion, in the house, and trouble;

Whereby his (Isaac's) visitors might know, Without long waiting in the dirt, and drizzle, To ring for him at once;--and not to knock for Crow,-- Nor Twizzle. Besides he now began to feel The want of it was rather _ungenteel_; For he had, often, thought it a disgrace To hear, while sitting in his room, above, Twizzle's shrill maid, on the first landing-place, Screaming, "a man below vants Mister Shove!" The bell was bought; the wire was made to steal Round the dark stair-case, like a tortur'd eel,-- Twisting, and twining; The jemmy handle Twizzle's door-post grace'd, And, just beneath, a brazen plate was place'd, Lacquer'd and shining;--

Graven whereon, in characters full clear, And legible, did "Mr. Shove" appear; And, furthermore, which you might read right well, Was--"Please to ring the bell."

At half-past ten, precisely to a second,-- Shove, every night, his supper ended; And sipp'd his glass of negus, till he reckon'd, By his stop-watch, exactly, one more quarter; Then, as exactly, he untied one garter;-- A token 'twas that he for bed intended:

Yet having, still, a quarter good before him, He leisurely undress'd before the fire; Contriving, as the quarter did expire, To be as naked as his mother bore him:

Bating his shirt, and night-cap on his head;-- Then, as the watchman bawl'd eleven, He had one foot in bed, More certainly than cuckolds go to Heaven.

Alas! what pity 'tis that regularity, Like Isaac Shove's, is such a rarity!

But there are swilling Wights, in London town, Term'd--Jolly dogs,--Choice Spirits,--_alias_, Swine, Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down, Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine.

These spendthrifts, who Life's pleasures, thus, out-run, Dozing, with head-aches, till the afternoon, Lose half men's regular estate of Sun, By borrowing, too largely, of the Moon.

One of this kidney,--Toby Tosspot hight,-- Was coming from the Bedford, late at night:

And being _Bacchi plenus_,--full of wine,-- Although he had a tolerable notion Of aiming at progressive motion, 'Twasn't direct,--'twas serpentine, He work'd, with sinuosities, along, Like Monsieur Corkscrew worming thro' a Cork; Not straight, like Corkscrew's proxy, stiff Don Prong, A Fork.

At length, with near four bottles in his pate, He saw the moon shining on Shove's brass plate; When reading, "Please to ring the bell," And being civil, beyond measure, "Ring it!"--says Toby--"very well; I'll ring it with a deal of pleasure."

Toby, the kindest soul in all the town, Gave it a jerk that almost jerk'd it down.

He waited full two minutes; no one came; He waited full two minutes more; and then,-- Says Toby, "if he's deaf, I'm not to blame; I'll pull it for the gentleman again."

But the first peal woke Isaac in a fright, Who, quick as lightning, popping up his head, Sat on his head's _Antipodes_, in bed,-- Pale as a parsnip,--bolt upright.

At length he, wisely, to himself did say,-- Calming his fears,-- "Tush!--'tis some fool has rung, and run away;"-- When peal the second rattle'd in his ears!

Shove jump'd into the middle of the floor; And, trembling at each breath of air that stirr'd, He grope'd down stairs, and open'd the street door, While Toby was performing peal the third.

Isaac eye'd Toby, fearfully askant,-- And saw he was a strapper,--stout, and tall; Then, put this question;--"Pray, Sir, what d'ye want?" Says Toby,--"I want nothing, Sir, at all."

"Want nothing!--Sir, you've pull'd my bell, I vow, As if you'd jerk it off the wire!" Quoth Toby,--gravely making him a bow,-- "I pull'd it, Sir, at your desire."

"At mine!"--"Yes, yours--I hope I've done it well; High time for bed, Sir; I was hast'ning to it; But if you write up _Please to ring the bell_, Common politeness makes me stop, and do it."

Isaac, now, waxing wroth apace, Slamm'd the street door in Toby's face, With all his might; And Toby, as he shut it, swore He was a dirty son of--something more Than delicacy suffers me to write: And, lifting up the knocker, gave a knock, So long, and loud, it might have raise'd the dead; Twizzle declares his house sustain'd a shock, Enough to shake his lodgers out of bed.

Toby, his rage thus vented in the rap, Went serpentining home, to take his nap.

'Tis, now, high time to let you know That the obstetrick Doctor Crow Awoke in the beginning of this matter, By Toby's _tintinnabulary_ clatter:

And, knowing that the bell belong'd to Shove, He listen'd in his bed, but did not move;

He only did apostrophize;-- Sending to hell Shove, and his bell, That wouldn't let him close his eyes.

But when he heard a thundering _knock_,--says he, "That's, certainly, a messenger for _me_;-- Somebody ill, in the Brick House, no doubt;"-- Then mutter'd, hurrying on his dressing-gown, "I wish my Ladies, out of town, Chose more convenient times for crying out!"

Crow, in the dark, now, reached the stair-case head; Shove, in the dark, was coming up to bed.

A combination of ideas flocking, Upon the pericranium of Crow,-- Occasion'd by the hasty knocking, Succeeded by a foot he heard below,--

He did, as many folks are apt to do, Who argue in the dark, and in confusion;-- That is, from the Hypothesis, he drew A false conclusion:

Concluding Shove to be the person sent, With an express, from the brick tenement; Whom Barber Twizzle, torturer of hairs, Had, civilly, let in, and sent up stairs.

As Shove came up, tho' he had, long time, kept His character, for patience, very laudably, He couldn't help, at every step he stepp'd, Grunting, and grumbling, in his gizzard, audibly.

For Isaac's mental feelings, you must know, Not only were considerably hurt, But his corporeal, also-- Having no other clothing than a shirt;-- A dress, beyond all doubt, most light and airy, It being, then, a frost in January.

When Shove was deep down stairs, the Doctor heard, (Being much nearer the stair top,) Just here and there, a random word, Of the Soliloquies that Shove let drop;--

But, shortly, by progression, brought To contact nearer, The Doctor, consequently, heard him clearer,-- And then the fag-end of this sentence caught:

Which Shove repeated warmly, tho' he shiver'd:-- "Damn Twizzle's house! and damn the Bell! And damn the fool who rang it!--Well, From all such plagues I'll quickly be deliver'd."

"What?--quickly be deliver'd!" echoes Crow;-- "Who is it?--Come, be sharp;--reply, reply; Who wants to be deliver'd? let me know." Recovering his surprise, Shove answer'd, "I."

"_You_ be _deliver'd!_" says the Doctor,--"'Sblood!" Hearing a man's gruff voice--"You lout! you lob! You be deliver'd!--Come, that's very good!" Says Shove, "I will, so help me Bob!"

"Fellow," cried Crow, "you're drunk with filthy beer! A drunkard, fellow, is a brute's next neighbour;-- But Miss Cloghorty's time was very near, And, I suppose, Lucretia's now in labour."

"Zounds!" bellows Shove, with rage and wonder wild, "Why then, my _maiden_ Aunt is _big with child_!"

Here was, at once, a sad discovery made! Lucretia's frolick, now, was past a joke;-- Shove tremble'd for his Fortune, Crow, his Trade, Both, both saw ruin,--by one fatal stroke;

But, with his Aunt, when Isaac did discuss, She hush'd the matter up, by speaking thus:

"Sweet Isaac!" said Lucretia, "spare my Fame!-- Tho', for my babe, I feel as should a mother, Your Fortune will continue much the same; For,--keep the Secret,--you're his _Elder Brother_."

FOOTNOTES

[1] _N.B._ Half our modern Legends are either borrow'd or translated from the German.

[2] This is the conclusion of all that was originally printed under the title of "_My Night-gown and Slippers_."

[3] Roses were not emblems of faction, cries the Critick, till the reign of Henry the Sixth.--Pooh!--This is a figure, not an anachronism. Suppose, Mr. Critick, you and all your descendants should be hang'd, although your father died in his bed:--Why then posterity, when talking of your father, may allude to the _family gallows_, which his issue shall have render'd notoriously _symbolical of his House_.

[4] --"_Quis talia fando Temperet à lachrymis?_"

says Æneas, by way of proem; yet, for a Hero, tolerably "use'd to the melting mood," he talks, on this occasion, much more than he cries; and, though he begins with a wooden Horse, and gives a general account of the burning of Troy, still the "_quorum pars magna fui_" is, evidently, the great inducement to his chattering:--accordingly, he keeps up Queen Dido to a scandalous late hour, after supper, for the good folks of Carthage, to tell her an egotistical story, that occupies two whole books of the Æneid.--Oh, these Heroes!--I once knew a worthy General--but I wont tell that story.

[5] Far be it from me to offer a pedantick affront to the Gentlemen who peruse me, by explaining the word _Incubus_; which Pliny and others, more learnedly, call _Ephialtes_.--I, modestly, state it to mean the _Night-Mare_, for the information of the Ladies. The chief symptom by which this affliction is vulgarly known, is a heavy pressure upon the stomach, when lying in a supine posture in bed. It would terrify some of my fair readers, who never experience'd this characteristick of the _Incubus_, were I to dwell on its effects; and it would irritate others, who are in the habit of labouring under its sensations.