Part 18

“Lady Fanny Montgomerie[119] met with a very handsome woman in the highlands of Scotland, who had so much simplicity of manner that she had never seen herself but in the water. Lady Fanny showed her a little pocket mirror, which gave her a clear view of her own face, and asked her if she ever had seen anything so handsome. ‘Madam,’ said she, ‘by your asking that question I should imagine that your ladyship had never seen such a glass as this.’”

LORD EGLINTOUNE.

* * * * *

“Boswell was talking away one evening in St. James’s Park with much vanity. Said his friend Temple, ‘We have heard of many kinds of hobby-horses, but, Boswell, you ride upon yourself.’”

* * * * *

“A stupid fellow was declaiming against that kind of raillery called _roasting_, and was saying, I am sure I have a great deal of good nature; I never roast any. ‘Why, sir,’ said Boswell, ‘you are an exceedingly good-natured man, to be sure; but I can give you a better reason for your never roasting any. Sir, you never roast any, because you have got no fire.’”

* * * * *

“A keen Scott (_sic_) [Dr. Ogilvie][120] was standing up for his country, and boasting that it had a great many noble wild prospects. ‘Sir,’ said Mr. Samuel Johnson, ‘I believe you have a great many noble wild prospects. Norway, too, has got some prospects; and Lapland is remarkable for prodigious noble wild prospects. But, sir, I believe the noblest prospect that a Scotchman ever sees is the road which leads him to England.’”

I was present.

* * * * *

“When the Duke de Nivernais was sent ambassador from France to England, at the first inn in Britain he was charged a most extravagant bill. The people of the house being asked how they could use him so ill when he was a stranger, they replied that was the very reason; for as they chose to observe Scripture rules, ‘He was a stranger,’ said they, ‘and we took him in.’”

CAPTAIN TEMPLE.[121]

* * * * *

“Boswell asked Mr. Samuel Johnson what was best to teach a gentleman’s children first. ‘Why, sir,’ said he, ‘there is no matter what you teach them first. It matters no more than which leg you put first into your bretches (_sic_). Sir, you may stand disputing which you shall put in first, but in the meantime your legs are bare. No matter which you put in first so that you put ’em both in, and then you have your bretches on. Sir, while you think which of two things to teach a child first, another boy, in the common course, has learnt both.’”

I was present.

* * * * *

“Mr. Samuel Johnson doubted much of the authenticity of the poems of Ossian. Doctor Blair asked him if he thought any man could describe these barbarous manners so well if he had not lived at the time and seen them. ‘Any man, sir,’ replied Mr. Johnson,—‘any man, woman, or child might have done it.’”

DOCTOR BLAIR.

* * * * *

“Boswell was praising the English highly, and saying they were a fine open people. ‘Oh,——,’ said Macpherson, ‘an open people! their mouths, indeed, are open to gluttony to fill their belly, but I know of no other openness they have.’”

I was present.

* * * * *

“Boswell was telling Mr. Samuel Johnson how Macpherson railed at all established systems. ‘So would he tumble in a hog-stye,’ said Mr. Johnson, ‘as long as you look at him and cry to him to come out; but let him alone, never mind him, and he’ll soon give it over.’”

* * * * *

“Hall,[122] the author of ‘Crazy Tales,’ said he could not bear David Hume for being such a monarchical dog. ‘Is it not shocking,’ said he, ‘that a fellow who does not believe^{fear} in God, should believe^{fear} in a king?’”

MR. DEMPSTER.[123]

* * * * *

“Mr. Samuel Johnson, after being acquainted with Lord Chesterfield, said, ‘I see now what this man is. I thought he had been a lord among wits, but I find he is only a wit among lords.’”

DOCTOR ROBERTSON.[124]

* * * * *

“Mr. Samuel Johnson was once at Windsor, and dined with the mayor. But the fellow (said he) not content with feeding my body, thought he must feed my mind too, and so he told me a long story how he had sent three criminals to the plantations. Tired to death with his nonsense, ‘I wish (to God),’ said Johnson, ‘that I was the fourth.’”

MR. SHERIDAN.[125]

* * * * *

“A bishop was flattering Sir Robert Walpole[126] egregiously. A gentleman asked him how he could bear such fulsome stuff. ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘if you were as severely scourged in the House of Commons as I am, you would be glad of any dog to lick your sores.’”

MR. DEMPSTER.

* * * * *

“An officer on the recruiting service made his regular returns to the regiment, in which he said that he had as yet got none, but that he had a man of six foot two in his eye. ‘All nonsense!’ said the colonel; ‘recall him immediately. He has had that fellow in his eye these six years.’”

CAPTAIN WEBSTER.[127]

* * * * *

“Lord Chesterfield told a half-pay lieutenant that he would bring him back to full pay in the same rank. ‘My lord,’ said he, ‘I detest the name of lieutenant so much that I would not be made Lord Lieutenant of Ireland.’”

A Stranger.

* * * * *

“Boswell said that a man is reckoned a wise man rather for what he does not say than for what he says. Perhaps upon the whole _Limbertongue_ speaks a greater quantity of good sense than Manly does. But _Limbertongue_ gives you such floods of frivolous nonsense that his sense is quite drowned. _Manly_ gives you unmixed good sense only. _Manly_ will always be thought the wisest man of the two.”

* * * * *

“Dempster, who was a great republican, was presenting an address one day at court. He was hurt to see subordination prevail so much, and was shocked to see the keen and able Lord Marchmont[128] bowing just like the rest. He said he looked like a chained eagle at a gentleman’s gate.”

From himself.

* * * * *

“Mr. Samuel Johnson said that all sceptical innovators were vain men; and finding mankind allready (_sic_) in possession of Truth, they found they could not gratify their vanity in supporting her, and so they have taken to error. Truth (said he) is a cow which will yield such people no more milk, and so they are gone to milk the bull.”

I was present.

* * * * *

“Captain Erskine[129] complained that Boswell’s hand was so large, that his letters contained very little. My lines (said Boswell) are, like my ideas, very irregular, and at a great distance from each other.”

* * * * *

“Sir W. Maxwell[130] said he was allways affraid (_sic_) of a clever man till he knew if he had good nature. ‘Yes,’ said Boswell; ‘when you see a clever man you see a man brandishing a drawn sword, and you are uneasy till you know if he intends only to make it glitter in the sun, or to run you through the body with it.’”

* * * * *

“A robust Caledonian was telling (in the Scots pronunciation) that he was born in _Embro_. ‘Indeed!’ said an English physician: ‘upon my word, the prettiest abortion I ever saw.’”

MR. CRAWFURD,[131] ROTTERDAM.

* * * * *

“Boswell said that men of lively fancies seldom tell a story so distinctly as those of slower capacity, as they confound the intellect with an excess of brilliancy. It is a common expression, I cannot see for the light. It may also be said, I cannot understand you; you shine so much.”

* * * * *

“Boswell told Mr. Samuel Johnson that a gentleman of their acquaintance maintained in public company that he could see no distinction between virtue and vice. ‘Sir,’ said Mr. Johnson, ‘does he intend that we should believe that he is lying, or that he is in earnest? If we think him a lyar, that is not honouring him very much. But if we think him in earnest, when he leaves our houses let us count our spoons.’”

* * * * *

“Mr. Sheridan, though a man of knowledge and parts, was a little fancifull (_sic_) in his projects for establishing oratory and altering the mode of British education. ‘Mr. Samuel Johnson,’ said Sherry, ‘cannot abide me, for I allways ask him, Pray sir, what do you propose to do?’”

From MR. JOHNSON.

* * * * *

“Boswell was talking to Mr. Samuel Johnson of Mr. Sheridan’s enthusiasm for the advancement of eloquence. ‘Sir,’ said Mr. Johnson, ‘it won’t do. He cannot carry through his scheme. He is like a man attempting to stride the English Channel. Sir, the cause bears no proportion to the effect. It is setting up a candle at Whitechapel to give light at Westminster.’”

* * * * *

“When Mr. Trotz,[132] Professor of Civil Law at Utrecht, was at Copenhagen, he had a mind to hear the Danish pulpit oratory, and went into one of their churches. At that time the barbarous custom of making spoil of shipwrecked goods still prevailed in Denmark. The minister prayed with great fervency: ‘O Lord, if it please Thee to chastise the wicked for their sins, and to send forth Thy stormy winds to destroy their ships, we beg that Thou mayest throw them upon our coasts rather upon any other, that Thy chosen people may receive benefit therefrom, and with thankful hearts may glorify Thy holy name.’”

MR. TROTZ.

* * * * *

“‘_Tres faciunt collegium_’ is the common adage. A professor of law at Utrecht came to his college one day, and found but one student. He would not have it said that he was obliged to dismiss for want of auditors. So he gravely pronounced, ‘Deus unus, ergo duo in tres. Tres faciunt collegium. Incipemus.’”

An UTRECHT Student.

* * * * *

“An English gentleman who was studying at Geneva was introduced to Mr. Voltaire, and at one of the comedies which were given at the Delice he had the part of a stupid absurd Englishman assigned to him. The gentleman was modest and anxious, and was saying he did not know well how to do. Mr. Voltaire encouraged him: ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘don’t be affraid. Just act in your own natural way, and you’ll do very well.’”

MR. TEMPLE.

* * * * *

“The King of Prussia asked an English gentleman why the civil law did not universally prevail in Great Britain. The gentleman replied, Because we are not Romans. ‘That is true,’ said the King, ‘but your nation has produced many Romans.’”

M. GIFFARDIER.

* * * * *

“When Lord Hope[133] was presented to the King of Prussia, he told him that he made in one summer the tour of Denmark, Sweden, and Norway. ‘Ay,’ said the king, ‘and pray, my lord, why have you not been in Siberia?’”

M. GIFFARDIER.

* * * * *

“Mr. Samuel Johnson said of Sheridan, ‘Sherry is dull, naturally dull, but it must have cost him a great deal of pains to become so exceedingly stupid; such an excess of stupidity is not in nature.’”

MR. DEMPSTER, from FOOTE.[134]

* * * * *

“The Earl of Marchmont and Lord Littleton[135] differed warmly about the authenticity of Fingal. Macpherson said he should like to see them fighting a duel in Hyde Park. ‘See them!’ said Dempster: ‘no one man could possibly see _them_, they would stand at such a distance from one another.’”

I was present.

* * * * *

“When Derrick was made King of Bath, Mr. Samuel Johnson said, ‘Derry may do very well while he can outrun his character, but the moment that his character gets up with him he is gone.’”

I was present.

* * * * *

“When Dempster was at Brussels, a young gentleman of Scotland was very bad. Dempster said that the surgeons poured mercury into him as if he had been the tube of a weather-glass.”

* * * * *

“Boswell told Mr. Samuel Johnson that Sir James Macdonald[136] said he had never seen him, but he had a great respect for him, though at the same time a great terror. ‘Were he to see me,’ said Mr. Johnson, ‘it would probably lessen both.’”

* * * * *

“Mr. Samuel Johnson told Boswell that Dr. Goldsmith when abroad used to dispute in the universities, and so get prize money, which carried him on in his travels. ‘Well,’ said Boswell, ‘that was indeed _disputing_ his _passage_ through Europe.’”

* * * * *

“Boswell was saying that Derrick was a miserable writer. ‘True,’ said Mr. Samuel Johnson,[137] ‘but it is to his being a writer that he owes anything he has. Sir, had not Derrick been a writer, he would have been sweeping the crosses in the streets, and asking halfpence from everybody that passed.’”

* * * * *

“A good-natured, stupid man, at Bath, wanted to appear a man of some consequence by talking often with Mr. Quin,[138] although he had nothing earthly to say more than ‘Your servant, Mr. Quin! I hope you are well.’ Quin bore with him for some time, but at last he lost patience, and one day when the gentleman came up to him with a ‘Mr. Quin, I hope you are well!’ Quin replied, ‘Yes, sir, I am very well, and intend to be so for six months to come; so, sir, till that time I desire you may not again ask me that question.’”

MR. ROSE, at Utrecht.

* * * * *

“Mr. Samuel Johnson and Boswell slept in one room at Chichester. A moth flew round the candle for some time, and burnt itself to death. ‘That creature,’ said Mr. Johnson, ‘was its own tormentor, and I believe its name was Boswell.’”[139]

* * * * *

“Mr. Fordyce[140] said that a man of public character who falls into disgrace in England receives immediate punishment from the mob; and is a greater man than Orpheus, who only made live animals follow him, whereas the rogue makes dead cats come after him.”

I was present.

* * * * *

“Baldie Robertson, a Scotch advocate, asked Boswell to accompany him to cheapen a couple of rooms of Lucky Rannie’s. She told him, ‘Sir, you shall just have them for a guinea a week, you furnishing coal and candle.’ Baldie, with much emotion, cried out, ‘But I tell you, woman, I have no coal and candle.’”

* * * * *

“Boswell said of Miss Stewart, of Blackhall,[141] ‘that more brilliant beauties came armed with darts and attacked men as foes, but Miss Stewart carried no weapons of destruction, and treated with them as with allies.’”

* * * * *

“Lord Eglintoune said to Boswell, whose lively imagination formed many schemes, but whose indolence hindered him from executing them, ‘Jamie, you have a light head, but a heavy a——.’”

* * * * *

“Lord Eglintoune said to Boswell, who was maintaining that by habit he would acquire the power of application to business, ‘Application must be an original vigour of mind. The arm of any blacksmith may become so strong by habit that he may gain his bread; but if he has not natural strength he will never make excellent work.’”

* * * * *

“The Spaniards are a noble people; at least, their gentlemen have great souls. At a famous battle there was a brave Spanish officer who had been wounded in many actions, and had but one eye left. A bullet came and struck it out as he was charging at the head of his troops, and wounded him mortally. With calm and solemn dignity he called to his men, ‘Bonas noctias, cavilieros’ (‘Good night, my fellow-soldiers’).”

MR. ROSE.

* * * * *

“A German baron, newly arrived at Paris in a suit trimmed with almaches—that is, small lace disposed so as to look like horns—went to the theatre just in his travelling dress, and getting behind the scenes showed himself upon the stage. The Parterre began to make a noise like the firing of cannon. One of the players begged to know what was the matter, when a gentleman replied, pointing to the baron, ‘Animal, ne voys tu pas que nous attaqons cette ouvrage a corne?’ ‘You fool, don’t you see that we are attacking that hornwork?’”

M. GIFFARDIER.

* * * * *

“Monsieur Chapelle satirized with much keenness the _petits maîtres_ of his time. One of them who chanced to be in company with him exclaimed against these satires, and said he wished he knew the author—he would beat him heartily. He plagued the company with his threatenings, especially Chapelle, whom he sat next to and shouldered. At last Chapelle gave a spring, and turning up his back to him, cried, ‘Frap et va t’en!’ (‘Strike, and get thee gone!’)”

M. GIFFARDIER.

* * * * *

“When M. Voltaire was in England he had a great desire to see Dr. Clarke,[142] but the Doctor, who had heard his character, would not be acquainted with him; at last he fell in with a friend of Dr. Clarke’s, who asked him to be of a party where the Doctor was. Voltaire went and seated himself next to the Doctor, in full expectation of hearing him talk, but he remained very silent. Voltaire, in order to force him to speak, threw out all the wild profane rhodomontades that his imagination could suggest against religion. At last Dr. Clarke turned about, and looking him steadily in the face with the keen eagle eyes for which he was remarkable, ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘do you acknowledge that two and two make four?’ Voltaire was so confounded by this that he said not another word.”

MR. BROWN.[143]

* * * * *

“A dull German baron had got amongst the English at Geneva, and, being highly pleased with their spirit, wanted to imitate them. One day an Englishman came in to the baron’s room, and found him jumping with all his might upon the chairs and down again, so that he was all in a sweat. ‘Mon Dieu! Monsieur le baron,’ dit-il, ‘que faites-vous?’ (‘Good God! baron,’ said he, ‘what are you about?’) ‘Monsieur,’ replied the baron, wiping down his temples with a handkerchief, ‘j’apprens d’être vif’ (‘I am learning to be lively’).”

MADEMOISELLE DE ZOILEN.

* * * * *

“Mr. Thomas Hunter,[144] minister at New Cumnock, was visiting his parish on a very cold day. At a substantial farmer’s they set him down an excellent smoaking _haggis_. ‘Come,’ said he, ‘here is the grace:—O Lord, we thank Thee for this warm Providence.’”

LORD AUCHINLECK.

* * * * *

“When Mr. Sheridan lived at Windsor he used often to meet a very awkward fellow who did not know how to hold his arms. Mr. Sheridan said the fellow always made him imagine that he was carrying home a pair of arms that somebody had bespoke.”

From himself.

* * * * *

“When Mr. David Hume began first to be known in the world as a philosopher, Mr. Thomas White, a decent rich merchant of London, said to him, ‘I am surprised, Mr. Hume, that a man of your good sense should think of being a philosopher. Why, I now took it into my head to be a philosopher for some time, but tired of it most confoundedly, and very soon gave it up.’ ‘Pray, sir,’ said Mr. Hume, ‘in what branch of philosophy did you employ your researches? What books did you read?’ ‘Books?’ said Mr. White; ‘nay, sir, I read no books, but I used to sit you whole forenoons a-yawning and poking the fire.’”

SIR DAVID DALRYMPLE.[145]

* * * * *

“Pierot, the biting French satirist, had often applied to be admitted member of the Academie Royale, and still was rejected. One day, after hearing their disquisitions, a freind (_sic_) asked him, ‘N’ont-ils pas beaucoup d’esprit?’ ‘Esprit?’ replied Pierot, ‘sans doute ils out beaucoup d’esprit. Ils out esprit _comme_ quatre.’ The society is forty-eight in number.”

* * * * *

“Mr. Tronchin,[146] physician at Geneva, an intimate friend of Mr. Voltaire, told Mr. Brown, the English minister at Utrecht, that one time when Voltaire was very bad, he was under the greatest terror for death, and he used this strong expression to Mr. Tronchin,—‘Sir, if I were put upon the rack at three o’clock in the afternoon, and had both my legs and both my arms broke, if I had my choice either to die immediately or to live till seven at night, I would choose to live till seven.’ A fortnight after, when he was quite recovered, he was talking against religion with as much wildness and extravagance as ever, and seemed highly delighted with shaking the faith of all the company. Mr. Tronchin, who was present, got up with indignation, went round to Voltaire, and catching him by the breast, said, ‘You pitiful wretch! are you, for a little gratification of vanity, endeavouring to destroy the only pillars which can support mankind at that awful hour which made you so lately tremble like a coward?’ In contradiction to this story, see in my Journal the account which Tronchin gave me of Voltaire.”[147]

MR. BROWN.

* * * * *

“During a hot action between the French and the allied armies, in which the former were defeated, a French grenadier was taken prisoner by an officer of the Iniskilling [Enniskillin] dragoons. He immediately demanded of the prisoner, ‘Where is Marshal Broglio?’ The brave grenadier replied, with the high spirit of a French soldier, ‘Il est partout.’ He is everywhere.”

M. GIFFARDIER, from the Officer.

* * * * *

“As a strong picture of the difference between French and German manners, the following story will serve: An English officer in Germany during the war kept a girl. She had a great deal of spirit, and for a frolic she would pay a visit to the enemy’s outpost. She first came to a French centinel, who seeing a pretty—nay, elegant lady coming towards him, immediately grounded his arms, pulled off his hat, and with all the politeness in the world saluted her with ‘Ah, madame, je suis charmé,’ &c. She put out her hand, which he kissed with great gallantry. She then went to a German centinel in the French service. When he observed her approaching, he looked stern and shoved her back with his hand; and when she attempted still to advance, he held out his fusil. She ran briskly off, crying, ‘You brute, we have taken Cassel!’”

* * * * *

“After a defeat of the French in Germany by the Prussians, a French soldier got his back against a tree, and was defending himself against four or five Prussians. The King of Prussia came up himself, and called out to the soldier, ‘Mon ami, croyez-vous que vous êtes invincible?’ He replied, ‘Oui, sire, si j’etois commandé par vous.’”

MR. GIFFARDIER.

* * * * *

“After another defeat of the French by the Prussians, a French soldier said to his companion while they were running off, ‘Vraiment cet Roi de Prusse est un brave homme. Je crois qu’il a servi en France.’”

MR. GIFFARDIER.

* * * * *

“After the defeat of the French at Rosbach, there happened a ludicrous enough incident. A little French officer was taken prisoner by a tall, fierce, black hussar. After making him deliver up his sword, his watch, and his money, the hussar made him get up behind him and hold fast, and away he galloped; and all the time, with the greatest _sang froid_, he was eating apples out of his pocket, and now and then, with a humph, threw one over his shoulder to the officer, who, for fear of his displeasure, eat them every one most faithfully.”

MR. GIFFARDIER, from the officer himself.

* * * * *

“When Boswell was a young, giddy, frolicsome dog in London, a parcel of sarcastical Scots, dining at Almack’s,[148] were enlarging much on his imprudence. ‘I do not know,’ said Dempster, ‘how Boswell may do in this world, but I am sure he would do very well in a better.’”

From MISS DEMPSTER.[149]