Part 2

BIRD-IN-HAND. (_Derisively_) _Chich-e-wee!_ (_With a sportive dive it plunges into the chest, tossing up the loosely arranged papers into fresh confusion. On this last bit of exasperating frivolity the_ PROFESSOR _slams down the lid, and locks it; and the tree imp is boxed up within. It takes him a moment or two to realize his triumph. It is a little difficult, indeed, to know on what lines to take it. Has the locking of the chest, with the hallucination inside, disposed of the hallucination? His doubt is solved almost at once, for from the inside of the chest the hallucination once more becomes audible_) What? What? What?--I say! Let it out! Let it out! Quick! Quick!---Oh, why?--(_A pause. The_ PROFESSOR _stands considering; he has the key. He retreats toward the table, and lays it down. The chest continues to give forth sound. A tapping begins upon the lid, and in a gradual diminuendo the chattering goes on. The_ PROFESSOR _dips a pen, and tries to resume his writing, but his interest is still held_) I say! I say! I say! Pick it out! Pick it out! What? What?--What? What?--What? What? What? What? What? What?--Tweet-weet! wee, wee, wee, wee! Oh, why?--What?--Oh, why?--What?--Oh, why?

(_The sound is now so faint that the_ PROFESSOR _can scarcely hear. He again dips his pen and resolutely starts writing. There comes another “Oh, why” which he does not hear. His nerves are recovering somewhat, encouraged by the ensuing silence; but he gives a sharp start when the whistle of the speaking-tube blows. He unstops it and listens._)

PROFESSOR. Oh, yes. Will you ask him to wait one moment? (_He gets up and goes cautiously toward the chest, stops and listens at it for a moment, with apprehension that turns to a sort of doubtful relief_) Nothing, nothing there, at all! (_Nevertheless, he gives a last look of suspicion, and pauses one last second before again applying his mouth to the speaking-tube_) Ask Dr. Locum to come up. (_Catching sight of the butterfly net, he goes to put it away, and has just done so when the_ DOCTOR _enters._)

DOCTOR. How are you, Professor? Nothing very serious, I hope--

(THE PROFESSOR _holds himself in. He is now feeling a little aggrieved at the shock he has experienced._)

PROFESSOR. Doctor, I--I want you to examine me, before I--before I say anything.

DOCTOR. Examine you?--in what way?

PROFESSOR. Just find out my symptoms--my state of health, generally.

DOCTOR. Well, Professor, let’s see the tongue! Then I’ll take your temperature--Sleep well?

PROFESSOR. Much as usual.

DOCTOR. Appetite good?

PROFESSOR. Yes--fairly. (_At this moment in goes the thermometer, and the_ PROFESSOR _becomes temporarily speechless. The_ DOCTOR _feels his pulse, looking at his watch meanwhile_)

DOCTOR. Hours? Have you been keeping late hours?

PROFESSOR. M--m! (_Assisted by gestures this sound stands for “no”_)

DOCTOR. Everything quite regular--as usual?

PROFESSOR. M--m (_This time it means “yes”_)

DOCTOR. Yes: the pulse _is_ a little bit agitated. Have you been putting yourself to any unusual exertion lately?

PROFESSOR. M--m! (_This melancholy moan of affirmation is emphasised by a motion of the head. And the_ PROFESSOR’S _eyes turn toward the chest_)

DOCTOR. Ah! but you shouldn’t do that! you must take more care of yourself. Your heart isn’t what it was. Mustn’t expect it at your age. Now then, let’s see! (_Withdraws and examines thermometer_)

PROFESSOR. Circumstances, over which I have no control, _caused_ me to exert myself.

DOCTOR. Well you know, there’s not much wrong. Temperature about normal.

PROFESSOR. Doctor, a most extraordinary thing has just happened. I must tell you about it.

DOCTOR. H’m--h’m? (_He sits down_)

PROFESSOR. I was sitting here at my work--I was writing--there! as you see. Does that in any way look agitated? (_Shows him a paper_)

DOCTOR. I should not say so.

PROFESSOR. Does it make any sense?

DOCTOR. “When all the objective data presented to sense-receptivity are compared, and the differentiations of their varying incentives and reactions properly allowed for--” Well, I should say so--not that I altogether understand it.

PROFESSOR. No, but it is constructive?--Would you say the man who wrote that was out of his senses?

DOCTOR. Most certainly not!

PROFESSOR. I only wish to show that I was in the full possession of my faculties, my ordinary work-a-day mind.

DOCTOR. Very well, Professor, I accept that.

PROFESSOR. Well--Suddenly I glanced up, and there I saw a horrid little green thing looking at me--with eyes!

DOCTOR. Yes: it would have eyes, if it was looking at you.

PROFESSOR. Very curious eyes, Doctor,--like a young bird’s; and it had horns also--And--well, there it was, you know!--At first I didn’t believe it, I thought it was green tea--I tried to dismiss it from my mind altogether. But--it wouldn’t let me. Before I knew where I was, it--it spoke to me.

DOCTOR. Did you speak to _it_?

PROFESSOR. Yes, I did.

DOCTOR. Fatal thing to do, Professor. Of course in that way you encouraged the--the phantasy.

PROFESSOR. Ah, but it was not _I_ who spoke first--At least I was only talking to myself. And suddenly it said--“Six, six, six, six, six,”--just like that!

DOCTOR. Was that in answer to anything?

PROFESSOR. Well, in a sort of way, yes--I had just said to myself: “Now, how many cups of green tea did I have this morning?”--And then it made the remark.

DOCTOR. And six _was_ the number?

PROFESSOR. There, or thereabouts.

DOCTOR. Very well, Professor. Now, better not think any more about it. I’ll make you up a prescription. And you had better quite knock off that green tea for a little while.

PROFESSOR. But that’s not all, Doctor.

DOCTOR. Do you think you need tell me any more?

PROFESSOR. Yes. You don’t how _real_ it seemed.

DOCTOR. It would give you that impression.

PROFESSOR. But even now.

DOCTOR. Yes, yes. But there will be a reaction. That will pass.

PROFESSOR. But--Doctor--I’m not satisfied.

DOCTOR. You will be. Don’t dwell on it! You’ll get all right again. Don’t work too much at night, and don’t sit up late.

PROFESSOR. I go to bed regularly every night at a quarter to ten.

DOCTOR. Good! Then just for the present make it half-past nine.

PROFESSOR. Doctor, I want to explain-- At first, of course, I took the view that _you_ take. I did not for a moment believe that such a thing could exist. I regarded it as an hallucination. But later on, it--well I came to think otherwise--It did such a lot of things--that I could not myself have conceived--and once it actually touched me. That was a great shock.

DOCTOR. Yes, it would be, naturally. But you were indulging the----

PROFESSOR. No, no, Doctor, I was _not_. I-- Well, now what I want to tell you is this. When I began to think that there was something real about it after all, I--then, I’m sorry to say, I let myself go, and I pursued it--all over the room.

DOCTOR. Any good?

PROFESSOR. None whatever. I knocked over a few things, that’s all. I was picking them up just before you came in.

DOCTOR. Well, and then?

(_The_ PROFESSOR’S _eye travels toward the chest; but he is unable to confess himself quite honestly._)

PROFESSOR. Then--it disappeared.

DOCTOR. And you haven’t seen it since?

PROFESSOR. No.

DOCTOR. Nor heard it?

PROFESSOR. I have not--. That is, _no_.

DOCTOR. Well, then, that’s all right.

PROFESSOR. I hope so. Doctor, I haven’t quite explained to you the shock it was to me. It was that terrible moment when I thought that, after all, there might be something in it! At that moment I saw all my life’s work disappear. All my science, all my philosophy--gone! Everything I had written--worth nothing!

DOCTOR. Well, well, but don’t dwell on it!

PROFESSOR. It was terrible!

DOCTOR. But it wasn’t true.

PROFESSOR. No-- But for a moment it seemed true. That is really what--what gave me such a shock.

DOCTOR. Well, it’s over. Now, don’t think any more of it. That is the best cure. You say you haven’t been sleepless?

PROFESSOR. No--but I shall be.

DOCTOR. Oh, no. We’ll see to that! I’ll send you the right thing. To-night you’ll sleep like a top. (_He gets up to go._)

PROFESSOR. Thank you. Good-bye. (_The_ DOCTOR _starts to go_) You don’t think that I’m really off my head, do you?

DOCTOR. No, no, Nerves a little bit upset, that’s all!--a little too much work, a little too much sitting still, a little too much indoors--and a little too much green tea. Many a little makes a mickle.

PROFESSOR. I don’t want it to occur again, Doctor.

DOCTOR. It shan’t, sir, it shan’t! Now, good-bye; I must be off!

PROFESSOR. Thank you. Good-bye. (_The_ DOCTOR _goes out. The_ PROFESSOR _stands looking at the chest_) And to think how I saw it go in there! (_He goes and stands by the chest; listens for a long time, then taps_) Is anyone--?--Is anything there?--Ah! That’s all right, then!--I hope. (_He goes back to his seat. Then his eye falls on the key; he takes hold of it, and is about to get up again. With an effort he sits back, letting the key go_) No, I will not!-- But suppose--suppose it were there after all! No, no, no--. It wouldn’t do at all. Everybody would think that I was mad-- Well, I must--I must try to get on with my work. (_He composes himself to write. Presently there enters an attractive little figure in a knitted cap, jersey, and skirt of bright green. This is_ ELFRIDA. _She advances very quietly, with a roguish smile, stops at the table and stands looking at him. Suddenly, with the tail of his eye, the_ PROFESSOR _catches sight of her. It gives him a dreadful start; but a look at her over the top of his glasses reassures him_) Effie! Why, Effie, my dear, what a start you gave me!

ELFRIDA. (_Getting nearer the truth than she knows_) You thought I was a fairy.

PROFESSOR. No, I didn’t think you were a fairy. I thought you were an hallucination!

ELFRIDA. What’s that?

PROFESSOR. Something that’s not real, my dear.

(ELFRIDA _has sidled round to the back of his chair; and now, from behind, she gives him an affectionate hug._)

ELFRIDA. _I’m_ real.

PROFESSOR. Thank God for that!-- Well?

ELFRIDA. Oh, Grandpapa, I’ve had such a lovely time! You got my letter?

PROFESSOR. Yes, my dear-- Oh, by the way, you’ve come just too late.

ELFRIDA. What for?

PROFESSOR. The Doctor, my dear. I wanted him to see you.

ELFRIDA. Why?

PROFESSOR. To tell me how you are.

ELFRIDA. But I’m quite well--ever so well!

PROFESSOR. I hope so, my dear, but one never knows.

ELFRIDA. _I_ do! And Grandpapa, you got my present, didn’t you?

PROFESSOR. Your present?

ELFRIDA. In my letter--What came off the tree that had fairies in it.

PROFESSOR. Oh, yes, yes. It’s somewhere about here. (_He starts to search, then remembers_) Oh, no! It blew away:--it’s on the floor somewhere.

ELFRIDA. And you _do_ believe what I told you--don’t you, Grandpapa?

PROFESSOR. Well--I’ve thought about it.

ELFRIDA. It was _true_-- I _saw_ them! You must believe that!

PROFESSOR. Well, I don’t know-- One isn’t sure. So you’ve had a good time, eh?

ELFRIDA. Grandpapa-- If you could only make people _know_ there were fairies, wouldn’t it be wonderful?

PROFESSOR. I suppose it would be, my dear.

ELFRIDA. But no one believes in them now, do they?

PROFESSOR. No, not usually.

ELFRIDA. Grandpapa, if you were ever able to find one--wouldn’t it be grand?

PROFESSOR. Would it, my dear?

ELFRIDA. Did you ever try?

PROFESSOR. Once I did, for a short time. But if I were to, no one would believe me.

ELFRIDA. Oh, but if you found it and showed it to them, they’d have to.

PROFESSOR. Yes, I suppose they would, my dear.

ELFRIDA. And then you’d be ever such a great person--much greater than you are now!

PROFESSOR. But my dear, you--you don’t understand. If people were told that Professor Braintree believed in fairies--why, they would _laugh_!

ELFRIDA. You’d laugh, too--but you could laugh longer than they would.

PROFESSOR. Eh?

ELFRIDA. Why, it would be like a miracle! People would begin to _love_ fairies again, then.

PROFESSOR. Well--perhaps. Green isn’t my favorite color.

ELFRIDA. It’s funny your saying that! The fairy _I_ saw was green.

PROFESSOR. Was it?

ELFRIDA. And it had long horns, and its mouth and eyes were just like a young bird’s (_This almost startles the_ PROFESSOR _out of his skin. Blinking and munching, he sits staring, while_ ELFRIDA _continues to deal her devastating blows_) And it ran round behind the tree, and when I got there, it was gone. If you’d been there, Grandpapa, to run round the other way----

PROFESSOR. Run round?

ELFRIDA. And if you’d had your butterfly net--(_This gives the_ PROFESSOR _a fresh jerk_) Why, we could have caught it!

PROFESSOR. Well, I’m not so sure--? Perhaps.

ELFRIDA. But, Grandpapa, you _are_ believing what I tell you, aren’t you?-- I saw it--_really_ I did!

PROFESSOR. I would like to believe it, my dear--It would make a great difference to my state of health. When you saw it, didn’t it upset you?

ELFRIDA. No!

PROFESSOR. It didn’t frighten you?

ELFRIDA. No! Why?

PROFESSOR. Not even when you ran after it?

ELFRIDA. Why, no! Of course it ran, too. But it was quite nice about it.

PROFESSOR. Was it, indeed?

ELFRIDA. It made a noise at me--just like a bird--a nice bird.

PROFESSOR. Did it say “Sick, sick, sick, sick?”

ELFRIDA. No; it only went “Chewee! Chewee!”--just like that!

PROFESSOR. Then I’m _not_ mad after all!

ELFRIDA. Grandpapa, what’s the matter?

PROFESSOR. My dear--you would really _like_ to see that--that thing again?

ELFRIDA. Why, yes!

PROFESSOR. Green, and with horns, and eyes?--Hear it again?

ELFRIDA. Yes.

PROFESSOR. Run after it again?--with a butterfly net?

ELFRIDA. And catch it? Oh, yes!

PROFESSOR. Well, my dear, there’s--there’s no accounting for tastes. But I begin to think that I’m not so mad as I thought I was.

ELFRIDA. I never thought you were mad, Grandpapa.

PROFESSOR. Thank you, my dear. I’m glad of that-- Now, look here, you see that chest? This is the key to it-- Now, will you go and open it? And don’t be afraid of anything you find in it--It’s all right.

(ELFRIDA _goes and opens the chest. And while she stands for a moment looking in, nonplussed, there is much more excitement in the_ PROFESSOR’S _demeanor than in hers._)

ELFRIDA. But, Grandpapa, there’s nothing! Oh! (_At this cry of discovery the strain on the_ PROFESSOR’S _feelings grows intense._ ELFRIDA _stoops and picks up something_) Why, it’s the _leaf_!--The leaf of that tree what I sent you!-- Oh!

PROFESSOR. The leaf, you say?-- Bring it here.

ELFRIDA. And it’s all quite withered and dead! (_She brings it across to him, and the_ PROFESSOR _looks at it with curious eyes._)

PROFESSOR. So it is, to be sure!-- Quite withered and dead. Well, there! Put it down, my dear, leave it alone!-- And now you had better run away. I must get on with my work.

ELFRIDA. What shall I do with it, Grandpapa?

PROFESSOR. Put it in the waste-paper basket, my dear!-- That’s right. Now, run away!

(_And so the dead leaf drops to its repose on a bed of scrapped science shiftings. From that fairy-funeral_ ELFRIDA _turns, down-cast and sad, and with head bent and hands straight as though under some deep disgrace, goes softly out of the room. As the door closes behind her the_ PROFESSOR _gives a look into the waste-paper basket, then heaves a sigh of relief, and goes on with his work._)

_Curtain._

Transcriber’s Notes

Obvious typographical errors have been silently corrected. Variations in hyphenation and accents have been standardised but all other spelling and punctuation remains unchanged.

Italics are represented thus _italic_.