Part 1
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Transcriber's Note
Where changes have been made to the text these are listed at the end of the book.
* * * * *
BILL THE MINDER
_Written and illustrated by_
W.HEATH ROBINSON
NEW YORK HENRY HOLT & CO. 1912
Edinburgh: T. and A. CONSTABLE, Printers to His Majesty
TO
THE GOOD CHILDREN OF CHLOE AND CRISPIN THE GATHERER OF MUSHROOMS---CHAD, HANNIBAL, QUENTIN, RANDALL, NOAH, RATCHETT, NERO, BIDDULPH, KNUT, AND THE TRULY VIRTUOUS AND BEAUTIFUL BOADICEA, THIS BOOK IS MOST HUMBLY AND RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED BY THE FAITHFUL NARRATOR OF THEIR EVER-WONDERFUL ADVENTURES.
CONTENTS
CONTENTS
PAGE
BILL THE MINDER 1
THE KING OF TROY 15
THE ANCIENT MARINER 33
THE TRIPLETS 51
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA 65
THE DOCTOR 79
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN 97
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN 115
THE INTERVAL 133
THE REAL SOLDIER 147
THE WILD MAN 165
THE MUSICIAN 183
THE LOST GROCER 199
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE 213
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS 227
THE SIEGE OF TROY 241
THE END 255
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
COLOURED PLATES
FRONTISPIECE
THE KING OF TROY COMPELLED TO ASK HIS WAY _To face page_ 30
THE SPORT OF EVERY MER-KID " 48
HE WAS ALWAYS AT HAND " 58
I FELL FROM MY POSITION " 72
THE LORD MAYOR HELD A LONG COUNCIL " 88
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN " 110
BASIL HERBERT DEVELOPS A CHILBLAIN " 122
AND LEFT HIM TO HAVE HIS CRY OUT " 140
REGINALD COMPLETELY LOST HIS TEMPER " 156
HARMLESS INDEED WERE OUR JOYS " 168
AND PLAYED IT FOR MY DELIGHT " 190
FOLLOWED HIM AT THE GREATEST SPEED " 208
BRINGING WITH THEM A LITTLE OLD MAN " 216
THEY CAME UPON A GREAT STONE SPHINX " 230
CLOSELY OBSERVED FROM THE WATCH TOWERS " 244
BILL THE MINDER
PAGE
TITLE-PAGE 1
HEADPIECE 2
HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC 7
ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING 10
YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES 11
THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT 13
TAILPIECE 14
THE KING OF TROY
TITLE-PAGE 15
HEADPIECE 16
HE CLIMBED THE RICK 18
HE COMMENCED HIS TALE 21
WHAT A TIME WE HAD 26
TAILPIECE 31
VIGNETTE 32
THE ANCIENT MARINER
TITLE-PAGE 33
HEADPIECE 34
I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY 39
I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES 42
FOR YEARS WE SAILED 47
TAILPIECE 49
VIGNETTE 50
THE TRIPLETS
TITLE-PAGE 51
HEADPIECE 52
ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN 55
WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS 58
THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY 63
TAILPIECE 64
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
TITLE-PAGE 65
HEADPIECE 66
I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS 71
I ANGLE THE AIR 72
I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SAND 73
ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN 75
THE DOCTOR
TITLE-PAGE 79
HEADPIECE 80
FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS 83
THE PUFF BAKER 87
TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS 88
AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE 89
THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN 91
POSTCARD 94
POSTCARD 95
TAILPIECE 96
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
TITLE-PAGE 97
HEADPIECE 98
BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR-BOXES 103
THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED 104
STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALL 106
DANGLING BY HIS LEGS 109
TAILPIECE 113
VIGNETTE 114
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
TITLE-PAGE 115
HEADPIECE 116
I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER 120
HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME 121
THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN 125
THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED 129
DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL 130
VIGNETTE 132
THE INTERVAL
TITLE-PAGE 133
HEADPIECE 134
I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP 137
THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED 138
ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY 139
THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP 142
TAILPIECE 145
VIGNETTE 146
THE REAL SOLDIER
TITLE-PAGE 147
HEADPIECE 148
THE REAL SOLDIER 153
'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT 156
'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD' 157
FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA 159
IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER 161
TAILPIECE 163
VIGNETTE 164
THE WILD MAN
TITLE-PAGE 165
HEADPIECE 166
I PLEADED MY CASE 169
AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT 173
WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK 177
TAILPIECE 181
VIGNETTE 182
THE MUSICIAN
TITLE-PAGE 183
HEADPIECE 184
SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS 189
HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES 190
SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES 195
WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA 197
TAILPIECE 198
THE LOST GROCER
TITLE-PAGE 199
HEADPIECE 200
AFFECTED BY HIS STORY 205
PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT 206
THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND 209
SNEEZING AND SNEEZING 211
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
TITLE-PAGE 213
HEADPIECE 214
MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON 219
KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF 223
GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS 224
IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE 225
TAILPIECE 226
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
TITLE-PAGE 227
HEADPIECE 228
THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS 233
YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE 234
I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED 237
TAILPIECE 239
VIGNETTE 240
THE SIEGE OF TROY
TITLE-PAGE 241
HEADPIECE 242
PLAN OF SIEGE 245
THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED 248
AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA 251
TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN 253
THE END
VIGNETTE 256
* * * * *
BILL THE MINDER
Old Crispin, the mushroom gatherer, and his good wife Chloe had ten children, and nine of them were bad-tempered. There was Chad, the youngest and most bad-tempered of the lot, Hannibal and Quentin the twins, Randall with the red head, Noah, Ratchett the short-sighted, Nero the worrit, weeping Biddulph and Knut. The only good-tempered child was a little girl named Boadicea.
It is well known that a boy usually takes after his father, and a girl after her mother, and these children were no exception to the rule, for the boys all resembled old Crispin, whose temper had been rather tried, poor man, by the early hours at which he had to rise, in order to gather the mushrooms when they were quite new and young. On the other hand, Boadicea could only have inherited her good-temper from Chloe, who without doubt was the most good-tempered dame alive.
Now it is quite true that any one who cares to rise early enough in the morning may gather mushrooms, and plenty of them, too, but those who do so only now and again, and merely for amusement, little know the hard life of the professional gatherer, or the skill and judgment he has to cultivate in order to carry on his work with any success.
In the course of time Crispin became so well skilled that he could not only tell a mushroom from a toadstool at the distance of two hundred yards, but his hearing became so acute that he could even hear them growing, and learnt to distinguish the sound of each as it broke through the earth. Indeed, he had no need for any alarm to wake him from his heavy slumbers and call him to his work in the fields. However cautiously a mushroom made its appearance, at its first rumble, old Crispin would jump from his hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, often without tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and on to the field in time to see the newcomer pop its head through the earth. This he would pick, and then he would hop about with his head on one side listening for others like some old starling listening for worms, at the same time mewing like a cat to frighten away the birds that prey on the mushrooms. He was then able to fill his basket with the very freshest crop and take them round to people's houses in time for breakfast.
With such anxious work it will be readily understood that few mushroom gatherers can remain in the best of health for many years, and it so happened that in time the anxieties connected with the gathering of mushrooms began to affect old Crispin, so that he fell ill and completely lost his appetite. Chloe called in the doctor, but the latter at first could do nothing for him. He painted Crispin's chest and then his back with iodine; he rubbed him well with the roots of sarsaparilla; he made him sleep first on his right side, then on his left, and finally covered him in brown paper plasters and dock-leaf poultices and sent him to the sea-side with strict injunctions to take to sea-bathing, running, and aeroplaning, but it was all of no avail.
With the assistance of Boadicea, Chloe now tried to tempt her husband with every known and unknown dish, and when these failed, like a good wife, she invented others. She made trifles of vegetable marrow, tartlets of hen feathers to soothe the nerves, salads of spinach and carraway comfits, delicacies composed of porridge and mint, and the most luscious stews of pine-cones and lard. She then tried him with even lighter dishes, but it was no good. He became thinner and thinner every day, and his temper was growing shorter and shorter, when at last, to her great joy, she succeeded in making a jelly that really seemed to take his fancy.
At first there was little or no sign of improvement, yet he ate a very small portion of the jelly every day, and with this the anxious wife and daughter had to be contented for some time. He had remained in this state for weeks when Chloe resolved slightly to increase his portion. Finding that this did not disagree with him, but that, instead, he became a little stouter and a little better every day, she continued gradually giving him more and more.
At last she discovered that the more Crispin ate of this jelly, the greater his appetite became. In fact, if the truth be told, the old gentleman became in time not only quite well and very stout but also somewhat greedy. At all events, Chloe found that instead of being able to devote more time to her children, after restoring her husband's appetite, she had to give up more and more time to cooking. Crispin now spent the whole day in eating, and things went from bad to very bad, and from very bad to worse. Boadicea assisted her mother to the utmost, yet Chloe, worked almost to death, was at length compelled to look out for a minder, in order that her children might not be entirely neglected.
Many minders from all parts applied for employment, and, as a test of their skill, she set them the task of cheering the unfortunate Chad, who was cutting all his double teeth at the same time. Some tried to cheer him by singing to him, some by dancing to him; one even hoped to gladden the boy by jumping over him backwards and with a pleasant smile dropping on the grass in front of him. Again, some thought to distract him by running swiftly with him several times round the well, which only made him very ill. Another energetic young minder stood on his head in front of the child for at least ten minutes, which, instead of cheering the lad, nearly frightened him to death. One minder, more experienced than the rest, tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other aches to think of with the aid of a slipper, which he maintained he had succeeded in doing. However, he was not elected, for, try as they would, no one could discover for which ache the child was crying.
Many methods were tried, but none with even the smallest success; in fact, the competition greatly increased the child's discomfort. His howls became terrific, and so heartrending that, as a last resource, Chloe sent for her nephew Bill, who cleaned the boots. Now no one had suspected Bill of having the makings of a good minder in him, but it happened that he knew Chad's little ways, and so, to everybody's surprise and relief, he easily succeeded in keeping him quiet until all the double teeth had been cut. Thereupon he was at once elected Minder to the family.
Bill soon proved that he was no ordinary minder. Having once started on his new work, he took his profession very seriously. He read all the books that had ever been written upon the subject, which were to be found in the library of the British Museum. He talked about it with the most knowing professors of the subject, and he was as well known in the Minding Room of the Patent Museum at South Kensington as in his father's house. And it is even said that he once contrived to be shut in all night by hiding behind a case of red coral rattles when the policeman came round at dusk to shut and lock the doors.
Moreover, as you can see for yourselves in the pictures, he was always inventing new ways of minding his charges. So expert did he become in time that he was never at a loss with the most fractious, and easily surpassing all rivals, he became the most perfect minder of the district.
Bill's fame spread to the most distant towns, and worrited mothers for miles around flocked to him with their children. He was most successful in distracting the vaccinated, and under his care young tooth-cutters soon forgot their troubles. Even the pangs of indigestion were allayed and the fretfulness of the sleepless lulled to rest by the charm of his ways. Short tempers were lengthened, and terrified midnight wakers were taught to realise how ridiculous were their fears. Screechers ceased to screech, and grizzlers to grizzle, while weepers and howlers reformed their habits and learnt to chuckle throughout the day.
If any one could mind, Bill could!
But life was not all condensed milk and honey to Bill. Like all good minders and men, he had the bad fortune to arouse the jealousy of rivals. The unvarying success which met his clever treatment of the most difficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of his brother minders, as one would have expected, and making them eager to imitate him, only had the effect of making them very cross and jealous. Some, indeed, became so wild that they had to be minded themselves, while others neglected their charges and wandered about the country in a dreadful state of grumpiness, biting their nails to the quick, and tearing their hair or anything else they could get hold of.
The time now arrived for the great annual Minding Tournament, held by the Duke to celebrate his birthday, to which every one had been looking forward all through the year. Few people have ever been so delighted over being born as was the Duke, and this was how he most liked to show his joy and thankfulness. The prizes and cups were usually subscribed for by the mothers and fathers, but this year was a very special occasion, for the Duke, having arrived at the age of sixty, had decided to present a gold-mounted feeding-bottle to be competed for during the tournament.
Everybody was there; the Duke and his Duchess with a handsome bouquet of marigolds and groundsel, presented by the wives of the policemen; the Duchess's cousin, the chatty old Viscount, and his sweet young wife; the stout old Marquis who (as every lady knows) is also admiral of the Regent's Canal, and his six old-maid daughters, who all arrived in bath chairs. The general was there, as a matter of course, with all his medals beautifully polished, and his pockets full of Pontefract cakes and peardrops to throw to the children. At least twelve bishops were present, besides the vicar and his eight kind curates, who made themselves extremely pleasant to every one.
All the mothers and fathers of the neighbourhood were present, and minders were continually arriving to compete for the prizes. There were at least one hundred policemen to keep order, and the music was provided by the band of the militia, lent for this occasion by the kind-hearted general. Each member of the band performed on a separate harmonium borrowed from the vicar. Refreshments also could be had by every one who could prove that he or she was hungry.
The first event was the egg-and-spoon race, which was decided in the following way. A well-pinched baby and a glass of milk were placed at the end of the course, and each competitor had to run to them balancing a new-laid egg on a spoon; when he had reached them, he had to beat up the egg in the glass of milk and pacify the child with the beverage. The competitor who did it in the shortest time won the prize.
Some murmurings were heard when it was announced that Bill had won by two-and-a-half minutes, but these were soon drowned by the cheers of the crowd and the music of the harmoniums.
The second event was the obstacle race, in which each competitor had to run with three babies in his arms along a course strewn with perambulators full of children. Over the latter he had to climb, and having placed his three babies in an empty perambulator stationed at the end of the course, wheel them back the same way and empty them into the arms of the Duke without a cry from the children.
The loud cheers of the crowd and the roar of the harmoniums this time hardly drowned the jeering of his rivals when it was proclaimed that Bill had also won this race; and when he secured the gold-mounted feeding-bottle, presented by the Duke, for minding seventeen tooth-cutters and three indigesters, and sending them all to sleep in three hours and forty-five minutes, their rage was almost beyond their control. The cheers, the hurrahs, and the clapping of hands, as well as the soothing music of the harmoniums, only made them more disagreeable and spiteful.
But far worse was to happen when Bill presently carried off the great cup for remaining shut up in a bathing-machine with twelve vaccinated children for twelve hours. Then they quite lost their tempers, and Bill very nearly lost his life. At least seven babies were hurled at him, as well as the cup and the bathing-machine, and Bill was only saved by the seven mothers of the seven hurled babies, who rushed forward to grapple with the hurlers, and carried Bill and the babies out of their reach.