CHAPTER XXIII.

PLAN TO RELIEVE THE RICH OF AN EXPENSE.

ON the fust page of last Tuesday’s _Plain Dealer_ there is a article that has caused me to have a great deal of thought.

It is about Captain Fred W. Lawrence of Company B, of the Standin Army of Ohio, a writin to the coal operators, and railroad officers, and monopolists, and bankers, and rich speculators of Cleveland, askin them to give somethin toward supportin said army.

He says he wants to git “good men in the militia—men who can be depended on to do their duty in case of _labor trouble_.”

Now, Fred dont want any common scrubs in his company. He needs money to hire the kind of men he wants—“men who will do their duty in case of labor trouble.”

Now what is the “duty” of sich men?

What does Fred want them to do to the “laborin people”?

Haint it the “duty” of good men belongin to a army, like Fred, to shoot?

Judge Hutchins and Judge Blandin and some of the other polerticians say Fred hadent ort to a writ that letter, or, if he wanted to write it, he hadent ort to a writ it in that way, because _now_ it is out what the militia is for.

The militia is to shoot laborin men with.

They are afraid some of the laborin people will begin to ask themselves what they are votin the strait ticket for.

Fred says he jist copied that letter from the ones his predecessors in office have been sendin out to these rich people for years.

Now what is botherin me is how to save them coal operators, and railroad owners, and monopolists, and rich stockholders in monopolies, from havin to pay toward sich things as “keepin up the militia.”

They are leadin citizens and own the coal fields, and railroads, and banks, and trusts, and sich. They are rich, and everything should be done to make it easy for them to git along in the world without trouble.

If there were no laborin men there wouldent be any need of “keepin up the militia.”

So if the militia is to be used only to quiet the people who labor, the best thing I know of is to get rid of the laborin people.

They seem to be a kind of unwelcome creatures in this world anyhow.

If we can get rid of them this will be a fine country. The rich can live in peace and the militia fellers can go to doin somethin useful.

Now there is several good ways to git rid of the people who work for a livin.

The best and surest way is to kill them, and now is the time to do it, when land is cheap. The buryin wont cost so much now as it would if we had more money and land was higher.

But I dont believe in shootin.

They ort to be killed in some nice, quiet way, in a way that wont cripple them up as militia shootin might.

I hate to see crippled poor people; it makes me feel sorry for them.

The thing to do is to git a great lot of them together in a bunch, then do it quick and sure.

The best way I know of is to offer a great feast of bread and “real cow butter,” with three or four side dishes, and invite all to come and feast their fill.

Then when they are all at a great feast, eatin and enjoyin theirselves, like the rich people do, have an electric arrangement fixed so the current could be turned on the whole crowd at once, and in twelve seconds they would all be stone dead.

They would die with a smile on their faces, jist like as if they had allus sot at the table of plenty and enjoyed theirselves. The big Methodist church in town would be a good place to have the feast and do the killin.

Then arter the current was turned off all we would have to do would be to load their dead bodies in wagons and haul them off and bury them in some cheap piece of ground and let the militia disband.

Dont you see, in that way we would dispose of the old and young alike—the little children as well as the grown up men and women. I know some of the little children are pretty. Some even have nice yaller, curly hair, big blue eyes and red cheeks, and love one another. Ive heern of them clingin to the necks of their fathers and mothers with love, even when hungry. But we will have to kill the little things, or they will grow up to annoy the rich, jist as their fathers and mothers annoy them now.

Of course, I know drownin is a easy death, and pizenin and all sich, but them are old-fashioned ways. Some of them might escape if we undertook to do it them ways.

This electricity bizness is a grand thing, and is sure death if worked right.

Of course, other counties could do it whichever way they think best, but here in Tuscarawas County, with the big Methodist church and all and plenty of laborin people, electricity is the thing to use.

We might have two or three killins in this county. Fust we could give a feast to all the rollin mill men and rail workers; then to all the coal miners; then to all the carpenters, and stone masons, and day laborers, and sich, and by not lettin any escape, one kind wouldent git onto what was bein done until we had them enclosed and the current turned on.

Ive been a talkin to Jobe about it, and he says that jist whatever the Republican party says he’ll agree to; but he declares he dont want to go to town on the day of the killin.

I dont know why he doesent want to go. It may be he is afraid he will git inside, or it may be he doesent want to look upon the faces of those dead poor people, whose toil has created all the wealth the rich people own who now wants them killed.

Now, Mistur Editure, if you will talk this scheme up among the rich people of the nation, and especially of Ohio, I think you can git them to see that it would be much cheaper than their payin each year to keep a standin army, and it would be more kind to the laborin people than to shoot them through the head when they are hungry, or make them cry with pain by cripplin them all up with big, heavy Winchester bullets.

Besides, think of the moanin and grief and heartaches and tears it would save the wives and children if they are killed at the same time their husbands and fathers are.

Shootin down men folks allers makes someone cry, and I hate to hear it even if it is poor women and little poor children.

And shootin seems to be sich a slow way of gittin rid of them.

Why, down in New York they use electricity to kill murderers with. They wouldent think of standin off and shootin even murderers down there. They use electricity because it is quicker and surer death, and more refined, and I know that the people of Ohio who labor for a livin haint any worse or deservin of more cruel treatment than murderers are in New York.

Hopin the rich will be merciful to the poor as long as they let them live on their land and in their country, I am yours for electricity and agin the militia.