Part 2

BET. No more do I--unless they’re very--_very_ pretty ones indeed, such as John, and Timothy, and Marma_dook_. (_in a tender tone, and approaching him_)

MOUS. (_aside_) Mouser, be firm. (_turning to BETSY, and seeing her close to him, begins whistling again. BETSY retires a step or two, and approaches him again_) So, you think Marma_dook_ a pretty name, eh?

BETSY. Yes, sir. I could go on making rhymes to it all day long, as I stand at the washing-tub: just like the man in the play.

There’s not a name in any book, As can compare with Marma_dook_, No breeze as e’er the treeses shook, Sounds half as sweet as Marma_dook._

MOUS. (_aside_) It was wrong in me to stop. I feel, it was highly wrong in me to stop. (_aloud_) But remember, you are going to marry a Joseph.

BET. (_with sudden violence, and close to MOUSER_) Never!

MOUS. (_jumping away_) Don’t. But why not?

BET. I _don’t_ want to marry--I never _will_ marry--I’ll live and die a Baker. (_with great energy_)

MOUS. But your reason--your motive--for dying a Baker?

BET. (_with a pathetic look at MOUSER_) Can _you_ ask? _You! You?_ Oh, ’tis too much! Oh! Oh! Oh! (_aside_) I wonder how I’m doing it. (_hiding her face in her hands and sobbing_)

MOUS. Hush! (_tenderly_) Don’t cry--don’t make such a row, Miss Baker.

BET. Call me Betsy!

MOUS. Very well, Betsy. (_aside_) I’ve been _too_ firm, Mouser, you’ve been by many degrees too firm. (_aloud, and taking BETSY’S hand_) Now, don’t cry, there’s a dear. (_aside_) I called her a dear!

_Here CRUMMY looks in from Office, and observes._

There--there--and, now laugh--laugh directly, you little rogue. (_aside_) I called her a little rogue. (_chucks BETSY under the chin_)

BET. (_looking nervously towards the door_) Oh, I think I’d better go now, sir.

MOUS. Don’t be in a hurry, Betsy. He, he, he my pretty little Betsy--for you _are_ pretty--_very_--_very_--he, he! (_laughs to himself, aside_) I’m going it! I feel I’m rapidly becoming a horrid, good-for-nothing little rascal! But I can’t help it.

BET. (_trying to disengage her hand_) But, sir, what would Mrs. Mouser think?

MOUS. (_recklessly_) Mrs. Mouser may think whatever she likes. There, what d’ye say to that? Ha, ha, ha! who’s afraid? (_suddenly and very loud_) Betsy, embrace your Marma_dook_.

BET. (_frightened, takes up her pattens, and holds them out, threatening him_)

MOUS. (_rushes at BETSY--she avoids him, leaving the veil in his hand._)

CRUM. (_without_) Very well, I shall find him.

BET. Oh, lud! (_runs out at door, L. D. F._)

MOUS. Cousin Crummy! (_follows her to the door, then crams the veil into his pocket and begins to whistle very loud_)

_Enter CRUMMY from Office._

CRUM. (R.) Oh, you’re alone, are you?

MOUS. Yes, yes. Amusing myself as well as I can. La, la, la! (_singing_)

CRUM. Oh, then, she’s been gone some time I suppose?

MOUS. She? who? (_pretending to remember_) Oh, yes--little Betsy--of course--I remember. Ha, ha, ha! How you could have got such an absurd notion into your head, I can’t imagine. The girl never even thought of me!

CRUM. (_aside_) The little hypocrite! (_aloud_) Then I must have made a mistake.

MOUS. A mistake of the most gigantic dimensions, Crummy.

CRUM. Well--by the bye, your wife wants her veil. Where is it? (_looking about_) Where’s the veil?

MOUS. Veil? Oh, here it is, but you know it wants mending.

CRUM. Oh, never mind a little tear like that.

MOUS. (_tearing a large hole in the veil, aside_) A little tear! It’s tremendous! Look here. (_shewing it_) So, I’ll just leave it with the young woman when I go past--(_aside_)--with a note inside, requesting her to come here this evening, when my wife is out. I’m rushing headlong into all sorts of iniquities! But, as I said before, I can’t help it. (_gets hat, &c. from the table_)

CRUM. You’re going out again?

MOUS. (_imitating him_) Going out again, what a question! Doesn’t Mrs. Major-General Jones expect me?

CRUM. (_smiling_) Again?

MOUS. Yes, sir, again! This case of Jones _v._ Jones is a very complicated case, sir, and I must get a counsel’s opinion.

CRUM. Then, of course, you can’t accompany Anastasia to her sister’s?

MOUS. Anastasia! Oh, true, I forgot her.

CRUM. (_aside_) Forgot his wife! Better and better. Ha, ha! (_aloud_) Oh, here she comes--you can accompany part of the way.

MOUS. Eh? Yes, yes, of course! (_pulling out his watch, and looking at it--then with, pretended surprise_) Goodness gracious! I shall be too late for Mrs. Major-General Jones.

(_he rushes out, L. D. F._)

_Enter MRS. MOUSER in her bonnet and shawl, L._

MRS. M. (_calling after MOUSER, whom she sees running out_) Mr. Mouser! Marmaduke! Call him back, cousin!

CRUM. It’s no use my calling him back, my dear--he saw you coming.

MRS. M. And now leaves the house again, without saying a word.

CRUM. And without his usual “fond embrace before we part!”

MRS. M. Yes--but this is neglect--downright neglect--not that it matters to me.

CRUM. So I see. (_smiling_)

MRS. M. Mr. Mouser can go where he likes, and do what he likes--and so can I. We needn’t interfere with one another in the slightest degree. I shall go to my sister’s. If he chooses to come well and good. If not, I dare say I shall find some one _polite enough_ to see me home! and you may tell him so. (_going_)

CRUM. Well, but Anastasia?

MRS. M. (_in a loud voice_) You may tell him so.

(_goes out L. D. F., slamming door after her_)

CRUM. But Anastasia? Stop! Hear me! I’ll follow her--no, for if I do, I shall leave the coast clear for Mouser--confound it. I wish I hadn’t interfered at all. So I’ll find Betsy at once, and marry her off hand to Joseph Harris and the little greengrocer’s shop. (_taking his hat, &c._)

_BETSY peeps in L. D. F._

BET. Sir! Sir! Are you alone, Mr. Crummy?

CRUM. (R.) You’re the very young woman I wish to see.

BET. So are you, sir.

CRUM. I see--you’ve given him the slip, eh?

BET. Slip, sir! Who, sir?

CRUM. Mouser. Betsy, I’m afraid you’ve gone a little too far.

BET. (_drawing herself up_) You’ll be good enough to remember, sir, that you are speaking to Betsy Baker? Didn’t you insist on my making Mr. Mouser fall in love with me in downright earnest?

CRUM. Yes, yes.

BET. And ain’t he in love with me in downright earnest?

CRUM. Yes, confound him!

BET. Very well, sir. Then I’ll trouble you for the little greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the street.

CRUM. Pooh! We’ll talk about that some other time. (_walking about_)

BET. No, sir--now! now! (_following him_) I won’t go out of the house, without the little greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the street. I’ve worked hard for it!

CRUM. Pshaw!

BET. (_stopping_) Very well--then I know what I’ll do--I’ll fall in love with Mouser in downright earnest, too! He’s a very nice little fellow, Mr. Mouser! Where is Mr. Mouser? (_in a loud voice and walking to and fro_) Where’s Mr. Mouser?

CRUM. (_following her_) Hush!

BET. (_louder still_) I want my Mouser!

CRUM. Be quiet; you shall have the shop--but, on this condition--that you don’t see Mouser again.

BET. Then you must tell him I can’t come.

CRUM. Can’t come, where?

BET. Here, in an hour’s time. That’s what I came to tell you about. He left Mrs. Mouser’s veil at our place just now, and, when I opened it there was a letter inside!

CRUM. A letter?

BET. Yes, sir.

CRUM. From Mr. Mouser?

BET. Yes, sir, appointing me to meet him here.

CRUM. Why, then, the little profligate is really in love with her! And you read the letter?

BET. No, sir, I defy anybody to say they ever saw me read anything. So I gave it to one of our girls.

CRUM. The devil!

BET. No, sir, Big Charlotte--a red-haired young woman, on a large scale. Perhaps you’ve noticed her, sir?

CRUM. Pshaw! Go on.

BET. Well, sir, she read the letter out loud, at the top of her voice, sir--and she’s a very powerful organ. Perhaps you’ve heard her organ, sir.

CRUM. Confusion! Then the contents of the letter--that Mouser had asked you to meet him here----

BET. Was known all over the laundry in a twinkling. Fancy thirty-seven female voices, including Big Charlotte’s, crying out, “Lawks!” at the same moment? Of course, I was obliged to clear myself, which I did, by telling them the whole business! How it was to oblige you, that I was trying to make Mr. Mouser fall in love with me; because as how you promised to give the little greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the street to the young woman that succeeded in captivating him.

CRUM. Well?

BET. Well, sir--the words were no sooner out of my mouth, than all the washing-tubs were deserted in a moment, and the whole of the thirty-seven girls--Big Charlotte included--seemed determined to set about captivating Mr. Mouser at once--and, as ill-luck would have it, he passed by the window at that moment, sir--and they all instantly rushed out after him, in a body.

CRUM. Zounds! There’s a pretty piece of business! What’ll become of him? Why the devil did I interfere? (_snatches up his hat and runs off_)

BET. But, sir! Mr. Crummy! Stop! Where’s my shop? I insist on my shop!

(_Great noise of WOMEN’S voices suddenly heard--“Stop, sir!” “Mr. Mouser!” “Don’t run!” “It’s only me!” &c.; MOUSER rushes in at D. L. F., followed by WOMEN; after considerable trouble he turns them out again at door and slams it--noise of WOMEN’S voices repeated_)

MOUS. (_shouting at the door_) Go along! Females begone!

(_WOMEN heard again at R. D., MOUSER runs and closes it_)

MOUS. (_advancing_) What the deuce is the matter with the women? What are the police about? I pay the police rate--cheerfully and willingly pay it--because I can’t help it. I provide a large body of men, not only with the necessaries of life, but with the luxury of an oilskin cape to protect them from the inclemency of the weather--and yet in open day--walking slowly along the public streets--I find myself suddenly overwhelmed by an avalanche of females! (_in a serious tone_) It’s a retribution. Mouser, listen to me--you have a wife, Mouser--and yet, you first run after another woman: and now you have fifty women running after you, Mouser. It won’t do, Mouser! (_sees BETSY_) Ah, Betsy!--so you’re come, eh?

BET. No, sir, I ain’t.

MOUS. Come, I like that.

BET. Well, if I have you sent for me.

MOUS. The fact is, I requested your presence here--to--to--reason with you--on the--impropriety of your conduct.

BET. Sir. (_aside_) If I was only sure of the shop, I’d bust out a laughing--but, as I ain’t, I dare not. (_aloud_) I see how it is you want to break my heart.

MOUS. Hush! (_trying to pacify her_) You’re wrong, Betsy, but you don’t know what it is to have a young and lovely wife, Betsy.

BET. Yes I do.

MOUS. No you don’t, and what’s more, you probably never will. And so, Betsy--that is--I mean--I say--I mean--(_aside_)--I can’t make up my mind as to what I _do_ mean.

_WOMEN heard again without._

MOUS. (_aside_) The women again! I’ll go and shut the office door, for fear they should come in that way. (_goes off, R. D. F._)

BET. (_suddenly leaving off sobbing_) I’m horribly afraid the little shop at the corner of the street, will slip through my fingers at last. (_double knock at street door_) Oh, gemini! Who can that be? What’ll become of me?

_MRS. MOUSER enters, L. D. F., followed by BOY._

MRS. M. Is Mr. Mouser at home?

BOY. No, ma’am.

MRS. M. Bring candles.

BOY. Yes, ma’am.

(_BOY goes off and returns immediately with candles, which he places on table, and then retires at back. BETSY makes her escape, and runs out L. D. F._)

MRS. M. Good gracious! What a commotion! There are at least thirty women round the door! I’m quite alarmed! I feel I was wrong to leave the house in a pet against Mr. Mouser. As for my Cousin Crummy’s insinuations, I treat them with the utmost contempt. So, instead of spending the evening with sister Charlotte, I determined to return home, and give my poor dear affectionate little husband an agreeable surprise.

MOUS. (_from within_) Don’t be impatient!

MRS. M. That’s his voice. Who can he be speaking to?

MOUS. (_from within_) I’ll be with you directly, Betsy.

MRS. M. Betsy! (_blows out candles, stage dark_) Oh! the monster!

_Re-enter MOUSER from Office, R. D. F._

MOUS. How dark it is! Betsy! Where are you, Betsy? (_feeling his way_)

MRS. M. (_in an assumed voice_) Here!

MOUS. Where?

MRS. M. Here, you wretch! (_gives him a box on the ears_)

MOUS. Zounds! (_lays hold of MRS. MOUSER, in the struggle she takes off MOUSER’S wig, and runs into room, L., shutting door in MOUSER’S face_)

MOUS. Holloa! She’s locked herself up, with my wig, in Mrs. Mouser’s room. Betsy! Elizabeth! Miss Baker! Don’t be absurd! Come out of that room--give me my wig! (_knocking and trying to open door_) Open the door! Open it this instant, or I’ll overwhelm you with my indignation through the keyhole.

_Enter CRUMMY from Office, with a candle._

CRUM. I can’t find him any where. (_seeing him_) Holloa!--ha, ha, ha!

MOUS. Don’t laugh, Crummy, look at me! She’s here--I mean, she’s there.

CRUM. Who?

MOUS. Betsy--in my wife’s room.

CRUM. Ah! Any one with her?

MOUS. Yes, my wig. This is your doing--this is your precious work. (_seizing CRUMMY and shaking him_) It was you--you who exposed me to the fascinations of this juvenile washerwoman. It’s through you that I have lost my peace of mind, and my wig. Where are they? Where’s my peace of mind? Where’s my wig?

(_shaking CRUMMY again violently_)

BETSY. (_who, during the latter part of MOUSER’S speech, has entered L. D. F. and come down, L._) Yes, and where’s my shop?

MOUS. (C.) Exactly. Where’s my shop--I mean---- (_sees BETSY_) Holloa!

BET. (_seeing MOUSER, and then bursting into a violent fit of laughter_) Ha, ha, ha! Oh, my! What a Guy! Ha, ha, ha!

MOUS. What d’ye mean by a Guy? (_suddenly recollecting. Snatches CRUMMY’S hat out of his hand, and puts it on_) And how--how the deuce did you get out of that room?

BET. I never was in it!

MOUS. Ha, ha! That’s right, Miss Baker! Stick to it, Miss Baker! Perhaps you’ll go so far as to say that it wasn’t you who did me the honour just now of boxing my ears, and run away with my wig.

BET. (L.) Certainly not.

MOUS. Then who was it? I repeat, who was it?

MRS. M. (_entering at door, L._) Your wife, sir!

MOUS. Anastasia! Crummy, take me away, and put me somewhere.

CRUM. (_R. C., aside to him_) Do as I do, and all will be right! (_aside to BETSY, and giving her a paper_) There’s the lease of the little shop, back me in all I say.

MRS. M. Now, Mr. Mouser, what have you to say for yourself?

CRUM. (_suddenly bursting into a fit of laughter_) Ha, ha, ha! (_aside to BETSY and MOUSER_) Go it. Ha, ha, ha!

(_MRS. MOUSER enraged, walks up Stage, L._)

MOUS. } } (_laughing immoderately_) Ha, ha, ha! BET. }

CRUM. Capital. Ha, ha, ha! (_holding his sides_)

MOUS. Delicious. Ha, ha! (_imitating him_)

BET. Glorious. Ha, ha! (_aside_) I wonder what I’m laughing at.

MRS. M. (L.) Mr. Mouser, I insist on your instantly explaining.

CRUM. He can’t speak for laughing--can you, Mouser? (_nudging MOUSER, who is looking very serious_)

MOUS. (R. H.) No. (_bursting out again_) Ha, ha, ha!

MRS. M. (_to BETSY_) Young woman, speak this moment! (_angrily_)

BET. (_R. C., alarmed_) Yes, ma’am. It’s not my fault, ma’am, indeed it isn’t--(_half crying_)--but you see, ma’am. (_CRUMMY nudges her--then suddenly_) Ha, ha, ha!

CRUM. (_crosses L. C._) I must explain after all, I see--Anastasia Mouser, not an hour since--and in terms as forcible as they were pathetic--you brought a grave and heavy charge against your husband.

MRS. M. (_aside to CRUMMY, and rapidly_) Hush!

CRUM. Yes, Anastasia Mouser--and that charge was, that he was “_too attentive by half._” It almost broke his heart. Didn’t it, Mouser?

MOUS. (_affecting pathos_) As near as a toucher!

CRUM. But suddenly a smile lighted up his benevolent countenance--(_MOUSER smiles_)--and he said to me, “Crummy, I’ve an idea.” Didn’t you, Mouser?

MOUS. Yes, I distinctly said, “Crummy, I’ve an idea.”

BET. I’ll swear to it. I heard him.

MRS. M. (_suddenly_) I see it all.

MOUS. (_aside_) That’s lucky. I’m damned if I do.

CRUM. And I determined to teach you this lesson--that the wife, who could complain of too much attention from a husband, could only be cured of her error by being led to suspect that that affection was bestowed on another. (_gets round behind to R._)

MOUS. Exactly.

MRS. M. Then you have succeeded--for though, Marmaduke, you may love me a thousand times better than ever--I’ll never complain again. (_embracing MOUSER_)

MOUS. On these conditions, I forgive you.

MRS. M. My dear Cousin Crummy, what do I not owe you?

CRUM. First, pay your debts here. (_taking BETSY by the hand_)

MRS. M. Oh, you were in the plot too?

BET. Yes, ma’am.

MRS. M. And who are you?

BET. Betsy Baker as is--Mrs. Joseph Harris as will he.

MRS. M. And how can I serve you?

BET. By allowing me to serve you--the best of vegetables, and fresh oysters every day.

MOUS. We’ll certainly deal with you. Eh, ’Stasy?

MRS. M. But I’ll go to market.

BET. (_to audience_) Do, ma’am--and I hope you will only be one out of many customers, at our new shop, where by a supply of the best articles we can get--joined with attention, civility, and moderate prices, we hope to secure the patronage of the Nobility, Gentry, and the Public in general.

CRUMMY. BETSY. MOUSER. MRS. MOUSER. RIGHT. LEFT.

Curtain.

Printed by Thomas Scott, Warwick Court, Holborn.

Transcriber’s Note

This transcription is based on two sets of scans of the Lacy edition. The first is available through the Internet Archive from a copy held by the University of Warwick:

archive.org/details/betsybakerortooa0000mort

The second, available through the Hathi Digital Library, is from a copy of Volume 8 of Lacy’s Acting Edition of Plays from the University of Michigan:

hdl.handle.net/2027/mdp.39015067453061

The text of _Betsy Barker!_ begins on page 302 of the scans. Other than differences in Lacy’s business address on the title page and information about the printer at the end, the text of the two scan sets appears to be the same. Because of issues related to publication, the condition of the scanned copies, and the scanning process itself, both sets were used for the transcription.

The following changes were made to the text:

Title page: Milliner’s Holiday--Changed to “Milliners’ Holiday”, the correct title of the play.

--p. 3: I thought I heard my dear Cousin Crummy outside--Added a period to the end of the sentence.

--p. 5: _who places it on back of chair, R. of table._--Added a closing parenthesis.

--p. 7: ’Tisn’t every woman, sir, as get’s a Mouser.--Changed “get’s” to “gets”.

--p. 9: but it won’t do do--ugh! you Don Juan!--Deleted the second “do”.

--p. 9: CRUM. Wink at her,--Changed the comma at the end of the line to a period.

--p. 10: CRUM. Umph! so, so: (_in a contemptuous tone_)--Changed colon to an exclamation mark.

--p. 12: such as John, and Timothy, and Marma_dook_--Added a period after “Marma_dook_”.

--p. 12: MOUS. (_aside_) Mouser, be firm--Added a period after “firm”.

--p. 13: (_rushes at BETSY--she avoids him, leaving the veil in his hand._--Changed the period after “_hand_” to a closing parenthesis for consistency.

--p. 15: (_great noise of WOMEN’S voices suddenly heard_--Changed “_great_” to “_Great_”.

p. 18: Young woman, speak this moment (_angrily_)--Added an exclamation mark after “moment”.

Some inconsistencies, such as the inconsistent hyphenation of the phrase “by the bye” and the different spellings of “pshaw”, have not been standardized.