Chapter 8
A young American artist who has just returned from a six months' job of driving a British ambulance on the war front in Belgium brings this back straight from the trenches: "One cold morning a sign was pushed up above the German trench facing ours, only about fifty yards away, which bore in large letters the words: 'Got mit Uns!' One of our cockney lads, more of a patriot than a linguist, looked at this for a moment and then lampblacked a big sign of his own, which he raised on a stick. It read: 'We Got Mittuns, Too!'"
IMPERSONAL
A pretty girl at an evening party was bantering a genial bachelor on his reasons for remaining single.
"No-oo. I never was exactly disappointed in love," he said. "I was what you might call discouraged. You see, when I was very young I became very much enamored of a young lady of my acquaintance. I was mortally afraid to tell her of my feeling, but at length I screwed up my courage to the proposing point. I said, 'Let's get married,' And she said, 'Why, who'd have us?'"
AND HE SUCCEEDED
The military strategist is born not made.
For example:
Two youngsters, one the possessor of a permit, were fishing on a certain estate when a gamekeeper suddenly darted from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper was led a swift chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and said between pants: "Have you a permit to fish on this estate?"
"Yes, to be sure," said the boy quietly.
"You have? Then show it to me."
The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned in perplexity and anger.
"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.
"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have any."
NO CHANGE IN SHYLOCK
An old woman who lived in the country recently visited some friends in the city. During her stay she was taken to see "The Merchant of Venice," a play she had witnessed more than thirty years before, and which she had always had a strong desire to see again. Calling next day, a friend asked her how the previous night's performance compared with that of thirty years ago.
"Well," she replied, "Venice seems to have smartened up a bit, but that Shylock is the same mean, grasping creature that he used to be."
ENOUGH
After all, only a feminine mind can be truly broadminded and make a correct deduction of a whole from a knowledge of a part. Said a certain lady in a shop:
"I want a pair of pants for my sick husband."
"What size?" asked the clerk.
"I don't know, but he wears a 14-1/2 collar."
HE OBEYED
A certain woman demands instant and unquestioning obedience from her children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her little son John to close the trap leading to the flat roof of the house.
"But, mother," began John.
"John, I told you to shut the trap."
"Yes, but, mother--"
"John, shut that trap!"
"All right, mother, if you say so--but--"
"John!"
Whereupon John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trap. Two hours later the family gathered for dinner, but Aunt Mary, who was staying with the mother, did not appear. The mother, quite anxious, exclaimed, "Where can Aunt Mary be?"
"I know," John answered triumphantly, "she is on the roof."
FAIR WARNING
Andrew Carnegie said:
"I was traveling Londonward on an English railway last year, and had chosen a seat in a non-smoking carriage. At a wayside station a man boarded the train, sat down in my compartment, and lighted a vile clay pipe.
"This is not a smoking carriage," said I.
"'All right, Governor,' said the man. 'I'll just finish this pipe here.'
"He finished it, then refilled it.
"'See here,' I said, 'I told you this was not a smoking carriage. If you persist with that pipe I shall report you at the next station to the guard.' I handed him my card. He looked at it, pocketed it, but lighted his pipe nevertheless. At the next station, however, he changed to another compartment.
"Calling the guard, I told him what had occurred, and demanded that the smoker's name and address be taken.
"'Yes, sair,' said the guard, and hurried away. In a little while he returned. He seemed rather awed and, bending over me, said apologetically:
"'Do you know, sir, if I were you I would not prosecute that gent. He has just given me his card. Here it is. He is Mr. Andrew Carnegie.'"
PREPAREDNESS
Scotchmen are proverbial for their caution.
Mr. MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the host knew no bounds except the several capacities of the guests. In the midst of the celebration Mr. MacTavish rose up and made rounds of the company, bidding each a profound farewell.
"But, Sandy, man," objected the host, "ye're not goin' yet, with the evenin' just started?"
"Nay," said the prudent MacTavish. "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."
FULL SPEED AHEAD
He was the slowest boy on earth, and had been sacked at three places in two weeks, so his parents had apprenticed him to a naturalist. But even he found him slow. It took him two hours to give the canaries their seed, three to stick a pin through a dead butterfly, and four to pick a convolvulus. The only point about him was that he was willing.
"And what," he asked, having spent a whole afternoon changing the goldfishes' water, "shall I do now, sir?"
The naturalist ran his fingers through his locks.
"Well, Robert," he replied at length, "I think you might now take the tortoise out for a run."
PLAYING SAFE
A lady recently selecting a hat at a milliner's asked, cautiously:
"Is there anything about these feathers that might bring me into trouble with the Bird Protection Society?"
"Oh, no, madam," said the milliner.
"But did they not belong to some bird?" persisted the lady.
"Well, madam," returned the milliner, pleasantly, "these feathers are the feathers of a howl; and the howl, you know, madam, seein' as 'ow fond he is of mice, is more of a cat than a bird."
WORDS FAILED HER
The budding authoress had purchased a typewriter, and one morning the agent called and asked:
"How do you like your new typewriter, madam?"
"It's wonderful!" was the enthusiastic reply. "I wonder how I ever done my writing without it."
"Would you mind," asked the agent, "giving me a little testimonial to that effect?"
"Certainly not," she responded. "I'll do it gladly."
Seating herself at the machine, she pounded out the following:
Aafteb Using thee Automatid Backactiom atype write, er for thre emonth %an d Over. I unhesittattingly pronoun ce it tobe al ad more than th e Manufacturss claim! for it. Durinb the tim e been in myy possessio n $i thre month it had more th an paid paid for itse*f in thee saVing off tim e anD laborr?
ONE WAY OUT
One of the congregation of a church not far from Boston approached her pastor with the complaint that she was greatly disturbed by the unmelodious singing of one of her neighbors.
"It's positively unbearable!" she said. "That man in the pew in front of us spoils the service for me. His voice is harsh and he has no idea of a tune. Can't you ask him to change his pew?"
The good pastor was sorely perplexed. After a few moments' reflection, he said, "Well, I naturally would feel a little delicacy on that score, especially as I should have to tell him why I asked it. But I'll tell you what I might do." Here his face became illuminated by a happy thought. "I might ask him to join the choir."
HOW WAR BEGAN
There have been a great many explanations for war, but the following appears to have its special merits:
The world was supplied with an original producer; namely, Woman.
Woman produced babies.
The babies grew up and produced tradespeople.
The tradespeople produced goods with which to supply the woman.
The goods, coming into competition with each other, owing to the different parts of the world wherein they were manufactured, produced trouble.
The trouble produced international jealousies.
The international jealousies produced war.
Then the war proceeded to destroy the women and babies, because it was through woman in the beginning that war became possible.
MATRIMONIAL ENDURANCE
A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock, and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an amusing old colored woman for a cook.
One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the mistress the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"
"Certainly, my husband, mammy," proudly answered the lady.
"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."
MISSING IT
The folks in the southern part of Arkansas are not noted for their speed.
A man and his wife were sitting on their porch when a funeral procession passed the house. The man was comfortably seated in a chair that was tilted back against the house, and was whittling a piece of wood. As the procession passed, he said:
"I reckon ol' man Williams has got about the biggest funeral that's ever been held around hyer, Caroline."
"A purty good-sized one, is it, Bud?" queried the wife, making no effort to move.
"Certainly is!" Bud answered.
"I surely would like to see it," said the woman. "What a pity I ain't facin' that way!"
THE OBVIOUS PLACE
What is known in a certain town as "A Shop Carnival" was being held, and little girls represented the various shops. One, dressed in a white muslin frock gaily strung with garlands of bonbons, advertised the local sweet shop.
When the festival began she fairly glistened with attractive confectionery, but as time wore on her decorations grew less. Finally, at the end of the last act, not a bonbon was to be seen.
"Why, Dora," cried the stage manager, "where in the world are all your decorations? Have you lost them?"
"Oh, no," replied Dora; "they're perfectly safe. I'm wearing them inside."
THEIR OPPORTUNITY
In war times Cupid is not only active but overworked, and people who have never loved before do not wait upon ceremony. In the spring of 1918, a certain rector, just before the service, was called to the vestibule to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that there wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will be seated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service for you to come forward, and I will then perform the ceremony."
The couple agreed, and after a stirring war sermon at the proper moment the clergyman said: "Will those who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please come forward?"
Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.
DOING HIS DUTY, BUT--
That time-honored subject the wife who talks and the husband who endures never ceases to be a source of inspiration to the humorist, and it is truly astonishing how many new ways it can be treated:
One day the telephone bell rang with anxious persistence. The doctor answered the call of a tired husband.
"Yes?" he said.
"Oh, doctor," said a worried voice, "something seems to have happened to my wife. Her mouth seems set and she can't say a word."
"Why, she may have lockjaw," said the medical man.
"Do you think so? Well, if you are up this way some time next week you might step in and see what you can do for her."
ANTICIPATING THE PLEASURE
Will Hogg of Texas says that down in Houston one Monday morning a Negro boy in his employ came to him with a request.
"Boss," said the darky, "I'd lak to git off nex' Friday fur the day."
"What for?" inquired Hogg.
"Got to go to a fun'el."
"Whose funeral is it?"
"My uncle's."
"When did your uncle die?"
"Lawd, boss, he ain't daid yit!"
"Then how do you know his funeral is going to take place on Friday?"
"'Case dey's gwine hang him Thursday!"
HIS COMPLAINT
To be truthful and at the same time diplomatic is one of the rarest of combinations, and only a small boy would be equal to it:
Johnny's manners had been improving at home, but at what a cost to his appetite when he had an invitation to dine at a boy friend's house! His hostess said, concernedly, when dessert was reached, "You refuse a second helping of pie? Are you suffering from indigestion, Johnny?" "No, ma'am; politeness."
PUTTING IT UP TO THE HORSE
Pat had just joined a horse regiment, and was undergoing the necessary practice in the riding school. After a particularly desperate attempt to unseat its rider, the horse managed to entangle a hoof in one of the stirrups.
"Begorra," said Pat, "if you're comin' on, then I'm gettin' off!"
THE WORM TURNED
A party of engineers were tracing a township line across some farm lands in Illinois. As chance would have it, the line passed directly through a large barn having double doors on each side of it, and they found they could continue their measurements through the barn by opening the doors and thus avoiding the dreaded détour. The owner watched their progress with considerable interest, but made no comment until they had reached the farther side of the barn, when he asked:
"Thet a railroad ye-all surveyin' fer?"
"Certainly," replied the chief.
The farmer meditated a bit as he closed the barn doors behind them, when he remarked, somewhat aggressively, "I hain't got no objections ter havin' er railroad on my farm, but I'll be darned ef I'm goin' ter git up at all hours of the night ter open and shet them doors fer yer train ter go through!"
MAKES A DIFFERENCE
The German may understand his own point of view, but he hates exceedingly to have that point of view taken, even in part, by any one else.
An official who has scrutinized the reports made by German diplomatic representatives to their Government before the declaration of war furnishes this extract from one of them:
"The Americans are very rough. If you call one of them a liar he does not argue the matter after the manner of a German gentleman, but brutally knocks you down. The Americans have absolutely no _Kultur_."
SOLVING A GREAT PROBLEM
The whole Irish question, and its perfect solution--at least from one side--is summed up by the reply given by an Irishman to a professor, who, when they chanced to meet, said:
"Pat, tell me, now, what is your solution to the world problem?"
"Well, sor," replied Pat, "I think we should have a world democracy--with an Irishman for king!"
DIAGNOSED
Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had, after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.
A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't it wonderful? What do you think of him?"
"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.
GETTING EVEN
The captain and the mate on board the _Pretty Polly_ were at loggerheads. They scowled whenever they met, and seized opportunities of scoring off each other with fearful glee. Each took a turn at making the day's entries in the log-book, and the mate, when making his entries, was very surprised to find, in the captain's handwriting, the words:
"June 2nd, 1917.--Mate drunk."
He stared at it wrathfully a moment, then a slow grin broke over his face. He took his pen and wrote:
"June 3rd, 1917.--Captain sober."
KNEW HIS BUSINESS
A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistling loudly.
"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it is against the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while on duty."
"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones's dog."
THEN THINGS HAPPENED
Though she was old she wasn't by any means incapable of supporting herself; and at the fresh, youthful age of seventy-nine she went into the business of providing teas for perspiring cyclists, and storing the cycles of those travellers who decided that they had better return by train. Her first customers were four young men who left their cycles in her charge while they explored the neighborhood. For each cycle she gave them a ticket with a number upon it.
Late at night the tourists returned.
The old woman led them to their cycles with a smile of self-satisfaction on her face.
"You'll know which is which," she told them, "because I've fastened duplicate tickets on them."
They gratefully thanked her; and when they found their cycles they discovered that the tickets were neatly pinned into each back tire!
WASN'T CALLING HER DEAR
Desirous of buying a camera, a certain fair young woman inspected the stock of a local shopkeeper.
"Is this a good one?" she asked, as she picked up a dainty little machine. "What is it called?"
"That's the Belvedere," said the handsome young shopman politely.
There was a chilly silence. Then the young woman drew herself coldly erect, fixed him with an icy stare, and asked again:
"Er--and can you recommend the Belva?"
SOMETHING!
A young Irishman recently applied for a job as life-saver at the municipal baths.
As he was about six feet six inches tall and well built, the chief life-saver gave him an application blank to fill out.
"By the way," said the chief life-saver, "can you swim?"
"No," replied the applicant, "but I wade like blazes!"
NOT ENOUGH SCENERY
The Negro stevedores of the southern states of the American Union have been conscripted and shipped in great numbers to ports in France for unloading the incoming American steamers. Their cheerfulness has quite captivated the gayety loving French, who never tire of listening to their laughter and their ragtime songs. When the "bosses" want to get a dockyard job done in double-quick time they usually order a brass band to play lively Negro tunes alongside the ship. Every stevedore thereupon "steps lively," and apparently his heavy labor becomes to him a light and joyous task. One stevedore, to whom the Atlantic voyage had been a test, exclaimed: "Mah goodness! Ah never knew dere was so much water between dem tew countries! Dere ain't enuf scenery for me, no sah, an' if de United States don't build a bridge across dat dere Atlantic, Ah's agwine to be a Frenchman for life."
IAN HAY'S FATE
Captain "Ian Hay," on one of his war lecture tours, entered a barber's shop in a small town to have his hair cut.
"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked.
"Yes, I am," Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here to-night?"
"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay," said the barber; "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every seat in the hall is sold out."
"Well, now," said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's always my luck to have to stand when that chap Hay lectures."
CAMOUFLAGE
After a "push" some of the lads of the Northumberland Fusiliers who entered one of the captured villages set about making things comfortable for themselves. Seeing a large wooden box some distance away, they made tracks to commandeer it On the way back an officer met them and queried:
"Here, lads, where are you going with that?"
"This old egg-box, sir--we're taking it along to our dug-out, sir," one of them explained.
"Egg-box be hanged!" retorted the officer.
"Why, that's the general's roll-top desk!"
HAPPY ENDING WANTED
A charming, auburn-haired nurse tells the story. She bent over the bed of one badly wounded man and asked him if he would like anything to read. The soldier fixed a humorous eye on her and said, "Miss, can you get me a nice novel? I'd like one about a golden-haired girl and a wounded soldier with a happy ending." After this the pretty nurse looks down contemptuously on civilian compliments.
A SKEPTIC
A colored Baptist was exhorting. "Now, breddern and sistern, come up to de altar and have yo' sins washed away."
All came up but one man.
"Why, Brudder Jones, don't yo' want yo' sins washed away?"
"I done had my sins washed away."
"Yo' has? Where yo' had yo' sins washed away?"
"Ober at de Methodist church."
"Ah, Brudder Jones, yo' ain't been washed, yo' jes' been dry cleaned."
A PERSON OF DISCERNMENT
A Quaker had got himself into trouble with the authorities, and a constable called to escort him to the lock-up.
"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came to the door.
"My husband will see thee," she replied. "Come in."
The officer entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and was hospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared. At last he grew impatient.
"Look here," said he, "I thought you said your husband would see me."
"He has seen thee," was the calm reply, "but he did not like thy look, and so he's gone another way."
AN OLD HAND
After two months at Rockford Private Nelson got his leave at last, and made what he conceived to be the best use of his holiday by getting married.
On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his marriage certificate in mistake for his return railway ticket.
The official studied it carefully, and then said: "Yes, my boy, _you've_ got a ticket for a long, wearisome journey, but not on this road."
A TRUE OPTIMIST
It was Christmas Eve in camp, and very cold at that. There was a certain amount of confusion owing to the Christmas festivities and leave, and so forth, and one man was unable to find any of his outer garments. He wandered about, asking all his mates if they knew where they were.
"Has any one seen my b-b-blanket?" he demanded, and was told that no one had.
"Has any one seen my t-t-trousers?"
No answer.
The unfortunate Tommy scratched his head for a moment.
"Well, I'm jolly g-g-glad I have got a nice w-w-warm pair of sus-sus-suspenders."
TIT FOR TAT
The young couple were dawdling over a late breakfast after a night at an ultra smart party.
"Was it you I kissed in the conservatory last night?" hubby inquired.
She looked at him reminiscently: "About what time was it?"
TOO GOOD TO BE WASTED
A lady of great beauty and attractiveness, who was an ardent admirer of Ireland, once crowned her praise of it at a party by saying:
"I think I was meant for an Irishwoman."
"Madam," rejoined a witty son of Erin, who happened to be present, "thousands would back me in saying you were meant for an Irishman."
HE UNDERSTOOD
The pale-faced passenger looked out of the car window with exceeding interest. Finally he turned to his seat mate.
"You likely think I never rode in the cars before," he said, "but the fact is, pardner, I just got out of prison this mornin' and it does me good to look around. It is goin' to be mighty tough, though, facin' my old-time friends. I s'pose, though, you ain't got much idea how a man feels in a case like that."
"Perhaps I have a better idea of your feelings than you think," said the other gentleman, with a sad smile. "I am just getting home from Congress."
TOUCHY
Lysander, a farm hand, was recounting his troubles to a neighbor. Among other things he said that the wife of the farmer who employed him was "too close for any use." "This very mornin'," said he, "she asked me: 'Lysander, do you know how many pancakes you have et this mornin'?' I said, 'No, ma'am; I ain't had no occasion to count 'em,' 'Well,' says she, 'that last one was the twenty-sixth.' And it made me so mad I jest got up from the table and went to work without my breakfast!"
THE INTELLIGENT CAT
Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.
"It appears to me," one said, "that they seem to pick out your choicest plants to scratch out of the ground."
"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and then sits and actually defies me."
"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.
"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of my greenhouse to defy me."
PRIDE
A little boy was on his knees recently one night, and auntie, staying at the house, was present.
"It is a pleasure," she said to him, afterward, "to hear you saying your prayers so well. You speak so earnestly and seriously, and mean what you say, and care about it."
"Ah!" he answered, "ah, but, auntie, you should hear me gargle!"
ROBBING HIMSELF