Part 10

“I did not like to give my wife the pain of knowing that you could have thought so unkindly of her; and as I had no hesitation in regard to my decision, it was not necessary to suggest to her such a cruel idea.”

“It was very generous forbearance on your part,” said he, “for you left me full of indignation. I will tell you myself, Mrs. P. I have lately inherited an estate in Jamaica; I am unable to take possession of it in person, and I proposed that Edward should go as my representative, and manage it for me, as long as his affairs are recovering here. But I made it a positive condition, that he should give you over to your parents’ care, and quietly disencumber himself of a useless, extravagant wife. That, madam, was my scheme. You are shocked, and turn pale; but you must allow that it was very natural advice. However, I begin to think it not quite right to propose such separations, nor is it just to refuse you some trial of amendment. I have come now, therefore, to renew my proposal, without that condition, and to offer a salary double that which I first named. I will undertake the management of your property here; and for this house, I will allow you a fair rent. And now, madam, consider this well, and don’t let yourself be angry at me, for I am an old man who deals in plain truth and plain sense.”

Wounded, as I had often been, by the harsh things this old man had said to me, yet his blunt generosity now overcame every feeling but that of gratitude; and before he left us the next day, every thing was arranged with him for our immediate departure. The demesne and all our real improvements were to be kept up; the whole income was to be applied to the payment of the debt, which he undertook to discharge by regular instalments; and our books and some other extravagant purchases, on which I had lavished so much money, were to be sold, if he found it necessary.

In parting from us, he took my hand, for the first time since we had been acquainted, and said, “I do now believe that you are attached to your husband--I am glad you are going with him; and I trust the experience you have so dearly bought, will be of lasting use to you both. I have one word more, and I have kept it for the last, to make the deeper impression. Remember these rules, fix them in your mind, and repeat them daily.

“Buy nothing that you do not absolutely want; and never go in debt for any thing you do want, be it ever so necessary.

“Waste nothing.

“Let ORDER preside in every part of your house.

“Remember, that a drawing-room, though elegantly furnished, is disgusting, if untidy.

“It is no excuse for bad dinners and comfortless rooms, that the mistress is engaged in her laboratory mixing gases, and trying experiments that are known to every apothecary’s apprentice. Women, indeed, may store their minds with knowledge, but then their homely duties must not be neglected.

“Let me hear, that when your husband returns home, after a busy morning, he finds a cheerful house, and a smiling wife; or, as sweet Allan Ramsay would say, ‘a blazing ingle, and a clean hearth stane.’”

With heartfelt sorrow I quitted the place where I had spent the happy beginning of my married life. It seemed as if I was leaving every thing that was dear, and that I never could again enjoy the tranquil life Edward and I had led for six years. Next came the parting with my children and my parents! But I will not touch on the painful struggle between different duties; nor will I mention the distress of mind which my dear father and mother suffered, in consequence of my imprudence. I consigned my dear boys, rosy, smiling, little, lively creatures, to my good mother, and she has truly done them justice.

Our passage to Jamaica was most favourable. Mr. P. took possession of the San Pedro plantation, in the name of Mr. Crispin, and we were immediately settled in the dwelling house attached to it. It consisted of one story only, as most of the houses in that country are so built, to preserve them from hurricanes and earthquakes. A viranda extended along the west and south sides, ornamented with oleanders, African roses, grenadillas, passion flowers, and other lovely plants, trained to the pillars. To the north-west lay a flower garden, inclosed by a hedge of the Barbadoes flower-fence. At ten or twelve feet from the ground, the stem of this beautiful and extraordinary plant divides into several spreading branches, armed at each joint with strong crooked spines; and every branch terminates in a loose spike of flowers, which are something like carnations, and which combine the most glowing mixture of red, orange, and green, accompanied by a strong, but agreeable smell. I shall mention only one more feature of this charming spot: the garden was sheltered by a large _Pimenta_ grove; and, as you are acquainted with this beautiful species of myrtle, which produces the allspice, you may imagine how delightful I must have found its fragrance, and its shade, in that sultry climate.

The violent resolutions I had made to abjure my former errors, and to devote myself to my household duties, now led me into the opposite extreme; I entered into every little detail with such indefatigable earnestness, and, ignorant of the manners and customs of the West Indies, I made such an infinite number of teasing regulations, that I completely worried my servants and slaves; and even Mr. P., I do believe, thought this extreme the worst. I became so fussy and so busy, that I thought I had time for nothing else, like the Norwegian ladies, whose whole lives are absorbed in domestic drudgery.

One circumstance, however, greatly annoyed my feelings--the being surrounded by slaves. Though they did not, in general, look unhappy, and though they enjoyed many comforts, yet the whole system excited my indignation. You know I had never learned to control or conceal my sentiments, and I now took every opportunity of expressing them with such silly enthusiasm, and so publicly, that I not only offended all the whites, but injured the poor negroes themselves. My imprudent sympathy not only made them feel their degraded situation the more acutely, but materially helped to inflame that spirit of discontent which, more or less, must always accompany slavery; and I really tremble in reflecting how much I may have been accessary to the events which afterwards happened. Yet you will be astonished, Bertha, when I add, that such was the perverse inconsistency of my character, that while overflowing with compassion for these poor creatures, I was a most arbitrary mistress to those who were among our domestics, and tyrannical over all who were under my influence. I had established an evening school for the slaves when their work was done; I did really pay it unremitting attention, and fancied that I found great pleasure in being useful; but I could not bear to have my benevolent intentions thwarted: those who were negligent in their attendance excited a stronger feeling than displeasure; and I blush in confessing that the task-master found it was his interest to treat those who had displeased me with increased severity.

One of the females who worked in the plantation had a very engaging daughter; she had a good figure, spoke English tolerably, and had a quickness and intelligence which particularly pleased me. I had a great wish to have this girl about my person, and at last obtained her, though against her mother’s will. She lived in the house, and was a most useful and good-natured creature; and the rapidity with which she acquired all the knowledge that I could teach, fully justified the high opinion of her that I had formed.

Sometimes, in the intervals of my economical fever, I amused myself in making little collections in natural history; and she endeared herself extremely to me by the zeal with which she entered into all my pursuits. Birds, insects, beetles, spiders, reptiles, were all caught by her dexterity; and the tenderest plants and flowers were laid on my table as fresh as when they were pulled; so that Mr. P. and I were able to examine, at our leisure, all the natural productions of the island. In short, during more than a year and a half, this blameless and innocent girl, Nanina, continued high in my favour, and was treated more like a daughter than a slave. She really loved me, and her efforts to please me were most assiduous. But I had a temper which had never been controlled in youth, and which was still unmanageable. Caprice alone governed it, and I began to grow tired of poor Nanina. Perhaps she might have been sometimes rather too familiar in her manner, but if so, it was my own fault. Always in extremes, I now became dissatisfied with everything she said or did. If she appeared hurt at this unaccountable change of conduct, I was still more angry; and one day, that she threw herself at my feet, and with tears in her eyes remonstrated against some unjust accusation, I barbarously spurned her from my chair, and ordered her never more to enter my room. Alas! how quickly does the spirit of injustice grow; the next day I missed a favourite ring, and I accused her of stealing it!--Yes, I suspected poor Nanina, who had been invariably faithful, and whose principles I well knew had been proof against many far greater temptations.

I learned that Nanina had gone to confide her griefs to her mother; and as she did not return, I became so incensed at her for leaving me, as well as at her family for encouraging her to stay away, and I spoke of them with so much bitterness to the overseer, that he lost no opportunity of treating them with rigour. No attention, however, was paid to my positive orders for her return: she was not with her family; to all inquiries about her, they preserved a stubborn silence; and it was notorious that the unjust harshness of the overseer to them all was the effect of my resentment. Several weeks elapsed without any tidings of her, and irritated by what I considered her obstinacy, I determined to communicate the whole affair to Mr. P., in order that he might enforce obedience to my commands. I did so, and never shall I forget the horror and astonishment he expressed at my conduct. At first I was vexed and mortified by what he said, but when he calmly retraced to me all the circumstances of the case, contrasting my professed sensibility with my real inhumanity, and dwelling not only on the capricious extremes of my affection and hatred for Nanina, but on the accumulated cruelty of suspecting her without cause, of punishing her without proof, and of revenging my quarrel with her on the whole family, I sunk into his arms, I saw and acknowledged all my odious errors, and would have done anything to compensate the poor girl for my base injustice, if she could have been found.

All this took place in the beginning of summer; and in the middle of the hottest part of that season Mr. P. was obliged to go to Spanish Town, which was fifteen miles distant, about business. The day passed heavily, the sultry air oppressed me, there seemed to be an unusual stillness everywhere; the slaves even appeared to work in sullen silence, and I scarcely heard a sound but the buzz of some insect, or the angry chirp of the humming-birds as they quarrelled about the flowers at my window. My thoughts turned mournfully upon my late conduct, and upon the severe but just expostulations of my husband. They did indeed oppress my heart; and in some measure to relieve myself, I went in the afternoon to the school, but I found it locked and no creature near it. There was a mountain path near the Pimenta grove, where we used sometimes to walk late in the evening to enjoy the land breeze; and taking a book which happened to lie on the sofa, I strolled through the grove and ascended slowly from the valley. The hills in that country are covered with woods which never lose their verdure; and after musing for some time on a magnificent group of the stately cabbage-palm, the tall cedar, and the wide spreading mahogany, I sat down under their shade. At length I opened my book, and the very first thing I saw was my long lost ring! I quickly recollected that many weeks before I had put it in there to keep the place open, and I felt myself so shocked at my unworthy suspicions of Nanina, and so angry at myself, that I was quite overcome. But gradually the breeze revived me, and I burst into tears. At that moment,

When sunk by guilt in sad despair, Repentance breathes her humble prayer,

I was startled by the sound of hurried footsteps, and Nanina herself appeared before me. She stopped, hesitated--then seized my hand and pressed it to her heart. “Oh! joy, joy,” said she. “Nanina thought never more see you, and now me search for you, and no find you in house.” I was painfully glad to see her--I hastily rose to take her home, and began to express my feelings, but she interrupted me and said in the most urgent tone, “This day me make escape, and run to tell mistress not to stay in home to-night--they all rise this night, and go everywhere for mischief, but first kill mistress, or make her slave.”

However startled by this alarming speech, I immediately proposed to return home to save my husband’s papers and to tell the servants to escape.

“No, no, no,--too late,--come with me, me put you safe, but no talky now,--come quick,--come silent.”

As we hurried along through the forest paths, I could not help saying, “Nanina, I was unjust to you--I accused you of stealing;--how comes it that you are so kind to one who has used you so cruelly?”

“That is what me learn from the book you gave me, and taught me to know--me never lose that book;--that book say, forgive your enemy, do good to him that persecute you. Yes, you call me teef, but you be killed dead if Nanina no come save you, and Nanina forget all but that you were once good mistress.” She grasped the hand I had laid on hers, as she said this, and I felt her tears drop on it. Oh what an exquisite moment! I besought her to let me send intelligence to meet Mr. P., but the faithful creature had already sent a trusty friend to warn him of the danger, and to assure him of my safety. She hurried me on--it was dark when we reached the river, and no canoe was to be seen; but we walked along its banks for some distance, when to my great surprise it suddenly disappeared. I then recollected hearing that in one spot the San Pedro river dipped under ground; and there Nanina had purposely brought me, that we might cross to the opposite bank, without the assistance of a boat. At last, after many hours’ walking, and when I was scarcely able to move, we arrived at one of the reed huts which the negroes inhabit. A man and woman received us;--they said some words to Nanina which I could not understand, but they looked good-naturedly at me, and laid their hands on their hearts.

Now that we were apparently in safety, and that we could venture to speak at ease, Nanina told me what had happened during the long time she was absent. The day on which, in vexation, she had gone to complain to her mother, she found a stranger in the hut. This was the famous Apakong; he was one of the descendants of the Maroons, who had formerly been so troublesome, and he fully inherited their fierce, discontented spirit. He had instigated the slaves in our neighbourhood to rise against their masters. My injustice to Nanina and her family was an additional pretext, and fearful that her mother might suffer her to return to me, and thus, perhaps, betray their plans, he took her away as a hostage, and till that day had watched her closely; but a general muster of the insurgents had happily given her an opportunity of escaping from his less vigilant wife.

Nanina left me at early dawn, entreating me not to stir from the negroes’ hut till she returned. Hours passed in the most intense anxiety, and no tidings came. I knew not what the poor negroes said, but I saw they were deeply anxious, listening to every sound, and watching in every direction. They placed food before me, but I could not eat. They brought me a branch of a pimenta tree, which overhung the hut, to revive me by its smell; but it reminded me too strongly of the dwelling at San Pedro, which I had begun to love, and of my dear husband, whom perhaps I should never see again. My thoughts flew from that to my former home on Ulleswater, and then still farther back, to the home of my youth, and to those dear parents whose over-affection for me had been their only fault. Alas! thought I, how will they feel, if----. But this train of bitter reflections was suddenly interrupted by loud yells, which appeared to be rapidly approaching. I was preparing to meet my fate with resignation, when my two poor negro hosts quickly placed me in a corner of the hut, and, covering me over with reeds and palm leaves, made a sign of silence. An immense crowd surrounded the hut, and I heard many loud and angry voices inside; but it was Nanina for whom they asked; she was the object of their pursuit; and full of revengeful eagerness in their inquiries about her, they did not observe the suspicious heap of reeds.

They were not half an hour gone, when poor Nanina arrived, looking quite worn down by fatigue. She had gone to obtain intelligence, and having heard of the insurgents’ visit to the hut, and fearing their return, she came to remove me to a place of greater safety. How or when we arrived there I can scarcely recollect; and what took place afterwards I can still less remember, for I fainted more than once with fright and fatigue. I know that there was fighting close to me--the horrid yells are still in my ears; and I think I can remember clinging to Nanina when she was seized--a loud shout that was given soon afterwards--and then finding myself again in silence; and I well remember that Mr. P. himself came into a cave where I was lying, and took me home.

And what a scene presented itself there! The house partly burnt, the furniture destroyed, the gardens ruined, and every species of devastation committed, for which there had been time or means. My brain, which was already bewildered, now completely gave way. I thought I was the cause, not only of all this destruction, but of the death of Nanina my preserver, though she was then with me. Nothing could calm me; and I continued for a long time delirious.

I have since been told, that when Nanina’s messenger arrived in Spanish Town, there was such a general conviction that the insurrection of the slaves was a false report, that much time was lost; and before the military were detached, the rebel negroes had done incalculable mischief to the San Pedro and some neighbouring plantations. At last the troops arrived, and Mr. P. with them; and after a short skirmish, the negroes threw down their arms, and submitted. The ringleaders were taken; and one of them acknowledged to Mr. P. that they had been a long time secretly trying to excite a spirit of rebellion amongst the slaves; that they agreed not to do any mischief to the San Pedro plantations, because Mr. P. had always been lenient and considerate; but that afterwards they felt so much the harshness of _my_ conduct, which became so different from what it had been at first, that their vengeance was particularly directed to our house.

My mind continued in such a state for many weeks, that Mr. P. determined to try change of air and scene; and as soon as the necessary measures had been taken to repair the losses at our plantation, he prepared to take me to Antigua. I was insensible to every thing, and can only tell you the circumstances since detailed to me. The voyage began well, but in a few days, a hurricane arose, which dismasted the vessel, and wrecked us on the coast of Hayti. The crew were saved with difficulty, but every thing else was lost, and we were in a lamentable situation, prisoners, absolutely destitute; and even Nanina and our man-servant were separated from us. When I missed her, my former conviction of her death returned with double violence; and I became still more unmanageable. She found it very difficult to convince the people of Hayti, that, though a slave, she did not wish for the liberty which they offered; but at last, after much explanation and entreaty, Mr. P. persuaded the government to let her return to our quarters. When she appeared, I knew her, and tenderly embraced her; I also knew my affectionate husband, who had so long been my only nurse. This momentary return of reason was of short duration; it was followed by a fresh access of fever, and all hope of my recovery seemed now to have vanished.

A favourable crisis, however, came. I awoke to restored consciousness; and the first sounds that I heard were from my husband, at my bedside, uttering his pious gratitude to heaven, in a low voice. I scarcely knew the cause of his emotion; but afterwards, when I witnessed his daily and fervent thanksgivings, and became sensible of the cloud which had darkened my understanding, I felt my heart more truly and more deeply touched by religion, than it had ever been, even in the period of my highest enthusiasm. I may, indeed, say, that “The Lord put a new song into my mouth, even a thanksgiving;” and I sincerely prayed that God would permit me to repent of my sins and follies, and that he would turn my whole heart to gratitude and humility.

My trials, however, were not yet over. Every day, indeed, made me more and more conscious of my former errors; and every day I felt more penitent; but I was now to act. Anxiety, want of rest, privations of every kind, and probably infection, soon shewed their effects on my faithful companions; and both yielded to the same horrid fever. Experience of their tender care, during my own tedious recovery, had taught me what to do; and duty, love, and gratitude, gave me strength. I who, till lately, had not known what bodily exertion meant, was now actually the only attendant on these poor patients; and I thank God my humbled spirit was heedless of all trouble.

A French physician, who had been allowed to remain at Hayti during the political changes there, was permitted to visit and prescribe for us. I never can forget his compassionate kindness; and it touched him so much to see me, still very weak, going through every menial work, that he promised to lend me one of his own servants; but government interfered, and for what reason I could never divine, forbade this act of generosity. I am glad of it; for a strong practical lesson was very useful in completing my reform. My anxious cares, however, were ultimately rewarded by the recovery of Mr. P., and of Nanina; and as soon as we were able to leave the miserable house where we had been imprisoned, our good physician obtained leave to remove us to a better situation; and he even ventured to supply us with money, for which we were sadly distressed.

After a long and painful detention, the same active benevolence obtained our release; and as soon as we could hire a vessel, we departed. My kind husband offered to take me to Antigua, and to let me reside there, in the idea that I might have a horrible impression of Jamaica; and he proposed to visit San Pedro himself, from time to time; but I would not consent: the days of folly and selfishness were past--I now knew and felt my duty. We landed in Jamaica, and there a fresh misfortune awaited us. The person who had been appointed to the care of the San Pedro plantation during our absence, refused to give it up; he alleged, that he had been acting under the direct orders of the proprietor; and more than one reference was made to Mr. Crispin, before all the tedious difficulties could be overcome, and before the law authorities would interfere to dispossess him. To us, who had no ready money, a lawsuit was difficult to manage; and a very long time elapsed before Mr. P. was completely reinstated.