CHAPTER II.

Whilst seated one morning in my room, inspecting my face in my looking-glass and combing my beard, preparatory to going to the daily selam before the king, and thanking Allah from the bottom of my heart for being secure in my mediocrity from all the storms and dangers of public life, a loud knocking at my gate announced a visiter of no small importance. My servant, for I kept one, quickly opened it, and I soon was greeted by the _selam al aikum_ of one of the royal ferashes, who exclaimed "The Shah wants you."

So unusual a summons first startled, then alarmed me. A thousand apprehensions rushed through my mind as quick as lightning, for on such occasions in Persia one always apprehends--one never hopes. However, I immediately gave the usual "_Becheshm!_--Upon my eyes be it!" and prepared to obey his command. "Can I have said '_Belli_' in the wrong place," thought I, "at the last selam? or did I perchance exclaim '_Inshallah_--Please God,' instead of saying '_Mashallah_--Praise be to God'? Allah only knows," thought I, shrugging up my shoulders, "for I am sure I do not. Whatever has happened, Khoda is merciful!"

I followed the ferash, but could gain no intelligence from him which could in the least clear up my doubts. One thing I discovered, which was that no _felek_, or sticks, had been displayed in the Shah's presence as preparatory to a bastinado; and so far I felt safe.

The Shah was seated in the _gulistan_, or rose-garden; the grand vizier stood before him, as well as Mirza Firooz, my old master. When I appeared, all my apprehensions vanished, for with a goodnatured voice the king ordered me to approach. I made my most profound bow, and stood on the brink of the marble basin without my shs.

The king said, "_Mashallah!_ the Hajji is still a _khoobjuan_--a fine youth; he is a good servant."

Upon hearing these ominous words, I immediately felt that some very objectionable service was about to be required of me. I answered,

"May the shadow of the centre of the universe never be less! Whatever your slave can do, he will by his head and by his eyes."

After consulting with the grand vizier, who was standing in the apartment in which the king was seated, his majesty exclaimed,

"Hajji, we require zeal, activity, and intelligence at your hands. Matters of high import to the state of Persia demand that one, the master of wit, the lord of experience, and the ready in eloquence, should immediately depart from our presence, in order to seek that of our brother the King of England. You are the man we have selected; you must be on horseback as soon as a fortunate hour occurs, and make your way _chappari_--as a courier, to the gate of power in London."

With my thanks for so high an honour sticking in my throat, I knelt down, and kissed the ground; but if any one present had been skilful in detecting the manning of looks, surely he would have read dismay and disappointment in mine.

"It is plain," said the Shah, turning towards the vizier and Mirza Firooz occasionally as he spoke, "from all that has been reported to us, that England, as it is now, is not that England of whose riches, power, and prosperity so much has been said. It has had its day. It is falling fast into decay. Its men are rebellious. Its ancient dynasty ere this may have been supplanted by another, and its king a houseless wanderer."

"_Belli! belli!_" said the vizier and Mirza Firooz.

"In the first place," continued the Shah, "you must acquaint the king, my brother, if such he still be, that the gate of the palace of the king of kings is open to all the world; it is an asylum to kings as well as to beggars; the needy find a roof, and the hungry food. Should the vicissitudes of life, as we hear they are likely to do, throw him on the world, tell him he will find a corner to sit in near our threshold; no one shall molest him. He shall enjoy his own customs, saving, always, eating the unclean beast; wine shall he have, and he will be allowed to import his own wives. He may sit on chairs, shave whatever parts of his body he likes, wear a shawl coat, diamond-beaded daggers, and gold-headed furniture to his horse. Upon all these different heads make his mind perfectly easy."

"Upon my eyes be it!" I exclaimed, with the profoundest respect.

"In the next place," said the king, "we have long heard that England possesses a famous general, a long-tried and faithful servant to his king. If he be a good servant, he will stick by his master in his distress. You must see him, Hajji, and tell him from the lips of the king of kings that he will be welcome in Persia; that he will find protection at our stirrup, and, _Inshallah!_ he will be able to make his face white before us. Whatever else is necessary to our service will be explained to you by our grand vizier," said the Shah; and then, after making me a few more complimentary speeches, I was dismissed.

When I left the presence, I could not help thinking that the Shah must be mad to send me upon so long a journey upon so strange an expedition; and I inferred that there must be something more in it than met the eye. I was not mistaken. No sooner had the grand vizier been dismissed than he called me into his _khelvet_, or secret chamber, and there unfolded to me the true object of my mission.

"It is plain," said he, with the most unmoved gravity, "that the graves of these infidels have been defiled, and that ere long there will be an end of them and their prosperity. We must take advantage of their distress. Much may be done by wisdom. In the first place, Hajji, we shall get penknives and broad-cloth for nothing, that is quite clear; then, spying-glasses and chandeliers, for which they are also famous, may be had for the asking; and--who knows?--we may obtain the workmen who manufactured them, and thus rise on the ruins of the infidels. All this will mainly depend upon your sagacity. Then the Shah, who has long desired to possess some English slaves in his harem, has thought that this will be an excellent moment to procure some, and you will be commissioned to buy as many as you can procure at reasonable prices. Upon the breaking up of communities at the death of kings and governors, we have always found, both in Iran and Turkey, that slaves and virgins were to be bought for almost nothing; and, no doubt, that must be the case among Francs."

I was bewildered at all I heard; and thus at once to be transformed from a mere sitter in a corner to an active agent in a foreign country, made my liver drop, and turned my face upside down.

"But, in the name of Allah," said I, "is it quite certain that this ruin is going on in England? I have not read that wise people rightly, if so suddenly they can allow themselves to be involved in misery."

"What words are these?" said the vizier. "Everybody speaks of it as the only thing certain in the world. Their own _elchi_ here allows it, and informs everybody that a great change is going to take place in his government. And is it not plain, that, if under their last government they have reached the height of prosperity, a change must lead them to adversity?"

"We shall see," said I; "at all events, I am the Shah's servant; whatever he orders I am bound to obey."

"It is evident the good fortune of that country," exclaimed Mirza Firooz, who was present also, "has turned ever since it abandoned Persia to follow its own selfish views. Did I not say so a thousand times to the ministers of the king of England; but they would not heed me?"

"Whatever has produced their misfortunes, Allah only knows," said the grand vizier; "it is as much their duty to submit, as it is ours to take advantage of them. We must do everything to secure ourselves against the power of our enemies. You must say to the King of England that the asylum of the universe is ready to do everything to assist him; and, as he is a man of the sea, you will just throw out the possibility of his obtaining a command of the Shah's _grab_ (ship of war) in the Caspian Sea. As for the famous general of whom the Shah spoke, (may the holy Prophet take him in his holy keeping!) when once we have obtained possession of him, _Inshallah!_ not one Russian will we leave on this side the Caucasus; and it will be well for them if we do not carry our arms to the very walls of Petersburg."

To all these instructions all I had to say was, "Yes, upon my eyes be it!" and when I had fully understood the object of my mission, I took my departure, in order to make preparations for my journey.

THE PORTRAIT GALLERY.

Physiognomy is the most important of all studies. Well versed in this science, no man will be cursed with a scolding wife, a pilfering servant, or an imbecile teacher for the offspring of his connubial felicity. It has ever been my favourite pursuit; and, when a child, I would not have tossed up with a pieman if he had exhibited a crusty countenance. Lavater's immortal works are my _vade mecum_, and I have carefully collected engraved portraits to discover the character of every individual the limner had painted ere I read their lives. I lately found that the Marquis of ---- had pursued a similar plan. His splendid gallery of pictures is well known in all Europe; but his collection of portraits at his favourite seat in ---- has been seen but by a few privileged persons, and I, fortunately, was one of the number, having been taken to his delightful mansion by his librarian, an old college _chum_.

Over the entrance of this gallery is an allegorical painting by Watteau, or Lancret, which my guide explained. On the summit of a rock, apparently of granite, and older than the Deluge, rose the Temple of Fame. The paths that led to it, were steep and intricate, difficulties that were not foreseen by the travellers tempted to thread this labyrinth by the roseate bowers that formed their entrance, inviting the weary pilgrim to seek a soft repose in their refreshing shade. But when he awoke from his peaceful slumber and delicious visions, renovated and invigorated, to pursue his journey, the scene soon changed; brambles, bushes, and tangling weeds impeded his path; and, despite the apparent solidity of the ground he trod, quicksands and moving bogs would often dishearten the most adventurous. Numerous were the travellers who strove to ascend the height, but few attained its wished-for summit; while many of them, overcome with fatigue, and despairing of success, stopped at some of the houses of reception, bad, good, and indifferent, that they found on the road-side.

However, the back part of the acclivity presented a different prospect. There, the rock formed a terrific precipice, that no one could ascend by the ordinary means of locomotion. A balloon at that period had not been invented; yet I beheld a good number of visitors merrily hopping over the flowery mead that led to the temple, culling posies and running after butterflies, and in hearty fits of laughter on beholding the poor pilgarlicks who were puffing and blowing in vain to climb up the other face of the hill. The success of these fortunate adventurers amazed me, until my _cicerone_ pointed out to me, a personage fantastically dressed in the height of fashion, bewhiskered and moustached, hoisting up his favourite companions with a rope, securely fastened to the brink of the cliff. This individual, I found, was a brother of the goddess, and his name was _Effrontus_. His sister had long endeavoured to rid herself of his importunities, and had frequently complained to Jupiter to send the knave out of the country; but the fellow had so ingratiated himself at court,--more especially with the ladies, one of whom, by name _Famosa_, supported him in all his extravagancies,--that he snapped his fingers at his sister, and, by means of a latch-key, (forged by Vulcan as a reward to Mercury for his vigilance over his wife, when he was obliged to be absent in his workshop,) he could admit his impertinent cronies into the very _sanctum_ of her abode, where they not only revelled in every luxury, but actually sent out their scouts and tigers to increase the obstacles that rendered the roads up the hill more impracticable, and terrify by alarming reports the timid voyagers who were struggling up the rugged steep. The contrast between these adventurers was curious. The creatures of _Effrontus_, whom he had hoisted up, were all clad in cloth of gold, or in black suits of silk and broadcloth, and some of them wore large wigs of various forms and dimensions; while the poor pilgrims were all in tatters, and, to all appearance, not rich enough to purchase wigs, although they most needed them, as they were nearly all bald or greyheaded. Howbeit, these fortunate candidates for celebrity were not always prosperous; for the height they had ascended, swinging to and fro by the rope of _Effrontus_, like boys bird-nesting in the Isle of Wight, suspended from the cliff, frequently made them giddy, and occasioned vertigs and dimness of sight, in consequence of which they would sometimes fall over the precipice when they fancied they were roaming about in security, and were dashed to pieces in the very dirty valley where not long before they had grovelled.

This allegory appeared to me ingenious; but when my guide opened the door, and I found myself in a room hung round with portraits of celebrated physicians, I observed that the painting was most applicable to the gallery. My companion smiled at my remark, and proceeded to describe some of the doctors whose likenesses I beheld. He said "This gentleman, so finically dressed, with powdered curls, Brussels lace frills and ruffles, was the celebrated DR. DULCET. You may perceive that a smile of self-complacency plays on his simpering countenance, yet his brow portrays some anxious cares, arising from inordinate vanity; and those furrows on the forehead show that, fortunate as he may have been, ambition would sometimes ruffle his pillow.

Dulcet was of a low origin, and his education had been much neglected; however, he possessed a good figure, handsome features, and a tolerable share of impudence. When an apothecary's apprentice, his advantageous points had been perceived by a discriminating duchess, who sent him to Aberdeen to graduate; and shortly after his return, he was introduced to royalty and fashion. Aware of the fickleness of Fortune, and well acquainted with the miseries that attend her frowns, he displayed a tact in courting the beldame's favour that would have done honour to the most experienced and _canny_ emigrant from the Land of _Cakes_ roving over the world in search of _bread_. He commenced his career, by courting the old and the ugly of the fair sex, and devoting his _petits soins_ soon to all the little urchins whom he was called to attend. Handsome women he well knew were satiated with adulation, whereas flattery was a god-send to those ladies who were not so advantageously gifted: these he complimented on their intellectual superiority, their enlightened mind, "that in itself contains the living fountains of beauteous and sublime." Though the object of his attentions never opened a book, save and excepting the Lady's Magazine, or read any thing but accounts of fashionable _fracas_, offences, and births, deaths, and marriages in the newspapers, he would discourse upon literature and arts, bring them publications as intelligible to them as a Hebrew Talmud, ask their opinion of every new novel or celebrated painting,--any popular opera or favourite performer. If the lady had children, the ugliest little toad was called an angel; and such of the imps who had been favoured by nature in cross-breeding, he would swear were the image of their mother. To court the creatures, he constantly gave them sugar-plums (which afforded the double advantage or ministering to their gluttony and to his friend the apothecary); while he presented them with _pretty_ little books of _pictures_, and _nice_ toys. He had, moreover, a happy knack of squeezing out a sympathetic tear from the corner of his eye whenever the brat roared from pain or perversity; and on those occasions he would screw his eyes until the crystal drop was made to fall upon the mother's alabaster hand. It is needless to add, that the whole _coterie_ rang with the extreme sensibility, the excellent heart of the dear doctor, who had saved the darling's life, although nothing had ailed the sweet pet but an over-stuffing.

Another quality recommended him to female protection. Husbands and father she ever considered as intruders in a consultation: he merely looked upon them as the bankers of the ladies. It is true that, after a domestic breeze, his visits were sometimes dispensed with for a short time; but dreadful hysterics, that kept the whole house in an uproar both night and day, soon brought back the doctor, who was the only person who knew _my lady's_ constitution, and on these occasions the lady's lord was too happy to take his hat and seek a refuge at Crockford's, or some other consolatory refuge from nerves. It was certainly true that Dulcet had made many important discoveries in the treatment of ladies' affections. For instance, he had ascertained that a pair of bays were more effectual in curing spasms, than chestnuts or greys, unless his patient preferred them. Then, again, he was convinced that Rundell and Bridge kept better remedies than Savory and Moore: a box at the Opera was an infallible cure for a headache; and the air of Brighton was absolutely necessary when its salutary effects were increased by the breath of Royalty. Cards he looked upon as indispensable, to prevent ladies from taking laudanum; and a successful game of _écarté_ was as effectual an opiate, as extract of lettuce,--one of his most favourite drugs.

In this career of prosperity, a circumstance arose that for a time damped his ardour. Dulcet had attended an East-Indian widow, the wealthy relict of a civil servant of the Company. Her hand and fortune would have enabled the doctor to throw physic to the dogs, and all the nasty little brats whom he idolised after it. He had succeeded in becoming a great favourite. The disconsolate lady could not eat, drink, or sleep, without giving him his guinea. She scarcely knew at what end she was to break an egg, or how many grains of salt she could safely put in it, without his opinion; but, unfortunately, there was a certain colonel, an old friend of her former husband, who was a constant visitor, and who seemed to share with her medical attendant the lady's confidence. Though Dulcet ordered her not to receive visitors when in a nervous state, somehow or other the colonel had been admitted. On such occasions he would shake his head in the most sapient manner, and observe that the pulse was much agitated; but he did not dare forbid these (to him) dangerous visits, and therefore endeavoured to attain his ends by a more circuitous route, and gain time until the colonel's departure for Bengal afforded him the vantage-ground of absence. The widow would sometimes complain of her moping and lonely life. On these occasions Dulcet would delicately hint that at some _future period_ a change of condition might be desirable, and the widow would then sigh deeply, and perchance shed a few tears, (whether from the recollection of her dear departed husband, or the idea of the '_future period_' of this change of condition,--a _futurity_ which was _sine die_,--I cannot pretend to say); but the doctor strove to impress upon her mind, that in her _present_ delicate state, the cares of a family, the pangs of absence, the turmoil of society, would shake her 'too tender frame' to very atoms, while the slightest shadow of an unkind shade would break her sensitive heart; whereas a _leetle_ tranquillity would soon restore her to that society of which she was considered the brightest ornament! And then the sigh would become still deeper, and the tears would trickle down her pallid cheek with increased rapidity, until Dulcet actually fancied that 'the Heaven-moving pearls' were not beaded in sorrow, but were 'shed from Nature like a kindly shower.' Still he knew the sex too well, to venture upon so delicate a subject as matrimonial consolation; and he, with no little reluctance, parted with a few fees to obtain some intelligence regarding the lady's toilet-thoughts and conversation with her favourite woman, a certain cunning abigail named Mercer. Mercer was of course subject to nervous affections, which she caught from her mistress; and Dulcet was as kind to the maid as to her lady, well knowing that as no hero is a great man in the eyes of his valet, no widow was crystalised with her waiting-maid. The visits of the colonel had not been as frequent as usual; nay, Dulcet fancied that he was received with some coolness, and on this important matter Mercer was prudently consulted. The result of the conference fully confirmed the doctor's fondest hopes; for he learnt from Mercer that 'her missus liked him above all and was never by no means half as fond of the colonel, as she knew for certain that those soldier-officers were not better than they ought to be, and there were red-rags on every bush.' This communication, although made with cockney vulgarity, had a more powerful effect upon the doctor than had he heard Demosthenes or Cicero; and he could have embraced the girl with delight and gratitude had he dared it,--but she was handsomer than her mistress; he, moreover, fancied that such a condescension might tempt the girl's vanity to boast of the favour; but he gave her something more substantial than a kiss,--a diamond ring that graced his little finger, and which he always displayed to advantage when feeling a tender pulse.

Dulcet now altered his plan of campaign, redoubled his assiduity, assured the widow that she was fast recovering her pristine strength and healthy glow, and recommended her to shorten the 'futurity of the period' he had alluded to; assuring her that _now_ the cares of a family would give her occupation, and society once more would hail her presence with delight. In her sweet smiles of satisfaction he read his future bliss and independence. The colonel never came to the house; and, one day, our doctor was on the point of declaring the purity and the warmth of his affection, when the widow rendered the avowal needless, informing him that she had resolved to follow his _kind advice_, and that the ensuing week she was to be married to THE COLONEL, who had gone down into the country to regulate his affairs. The blow fell upon Dulcet like an apoplexy. Prudence made him conceal the bitterness of his disappointment, and even induced him to be present at the wedding breakfast; though his appetite was doubly impaired when he found that Miss Mercer had married the colonel's valet, and he beheld his diamond guarding her wedding-ring, while an ironical smile showed him, what little faith was to be reposed in ladies' women.

The report of this adventure entertained the town for nine days; but on the tenth, through the patronage of his protectresses, Dulcet was dubbed a knight, and soon after married a cheesemonger's daughter, ugly enough to have a hereditary claim to virtue; but who possessed an ample fortune, and was most anxious to become a lady.

The librarian was proceeding to give me an account of the next personage, a Dr. Cleaver, when the bell rung for dinner, and we adjourned our illustrations until the following morning. V.

THE SORROWS OF LIFE.

Who would recal departed days and years To tread again the dark and cheerless road, Which, leading through this gloomy vale of tears, His weary feet in pain and toil have trod! I've felt the bitterness of grief--I've shed Such tears as only wretched mortals pour, And wish'd among the calm and quiet dead To find my sorrows and my sufferings o'er; Yet firm in heart and hope I still bear up, And onward steer my course true--a true "Flare-up". SIGMA.

STRAY CHAPTERS. BY "BOZ."