Part 5

"I thought of course it was a benefit we would give," put in Pattie in a voice which just plain dismissed every other possibility. "I have a new patter to 'Yankee Doodle' with a red, white and blue spot on me, at front center with the rest of the house dark. It ought to go big about the center of the programme."

After which modest little suggestion she sunk gracefully back into her seat and commenced shadow-tapping the tune with her feet under the committee table.

"Well, benefits is always possible," I said, "and of course we could have it with admission by W.S.S. only. But it's been done a lot and three days ain't so very much time in which to get it up in a way which would do your act justice," I says.

"Ah! _cheries!_" says Mlle. DuChamp. "Mes petites!" she says, whatever that was. "I have zee gran' idea--perfect! I will make zee speach on zee steps of zee Library of zee Public at Forty-Second Street and Feeth Avenoo. I will arise, I will stretch my han', I will call out 'Cityonnes! 'Urry up queek! Your countree call you--Formez vos battillions!' and while I make zee dramatic appeal zee ozzers can collect twenty-five t'ousand dollar from zee breathless crowd!"

She had got up on her box-toed shoes and was making the grandest gestures you ever see. Honest to Gawd I do believe that girl has herself kidded into believing that the Paris she was born in was France, not Ind. I kind of waved at her, and when she had flopped back into her place, completely overcome by her emotions, I suggested that maybe the Library wasn't as Public as it looked, being generally occupied of a fine afternoon by wounded soldiers making the same line of talk, and of course Mlle. DuChamps would be more _chic_ and all that, but would she be let?

"Of course she wouldn't!" says Ruby, coming out of her vanity-case for a minute. "Of course not! My idea is that we all chip in say about seven thousand five hundred and let it go at that!"

Somehow this cheap-Jack way of getting out of doing any work by spending a little money, got my goat something fierce. Besides which it was Ruby's idea of patriotism and all against W.S.S. rules and everything, but for the minute I was so floored I couldn't speak. The dark Dahlia did it for me, though, and much more contained than I could of at the time.

"That's mighty generous, Miss Roselle," she says just as sweet, "only you see me and Blondie has each got our thousand dollars worth and one person can't get more," she says.

"Well, I'll take a thousand dollars worth then," said Ruby, and I could see very plain that the matter was finished in her mind, and what would you expect different after them patriotic tights of hers?

"I'll take a thousand also," put in Madame Broun. "To tell the right truth I haven't a one. What do you do with them--stick them on the backs of letters like Tuberculosis, or Merry Xmas?"

Well, we explained they was not a additional burden to the postman but more or less of a investment. And then the awful truth come out that Pattie hadn't none either and that Mlle. DuChamps had always thought they was to put on tobacco boxes and candy and everything you stored up in the house to eat, though Gawd only knows how she got that idea except of course it's the truth that most people is boobs, outside of their own line, more's the pity!

Well, anyways, we took in four thousand right then and there and so all that remained was twenty-one. Ruby undertook to sell another three among her personal friends, and the Dahlias said they thought they could raise as much more between theirselves. Then when Mlle. DuChamps and Madame Broun had concluded to take on three apiece there was eleven thousand dollars worth of friendless little stamps with nobody to love them but me. Well, with no better schemes than benefits and concerts and talks in sight, I see it was up to me to bite off the biggest slice of pie myself, so I said I'd take the remainder. Of course with my influence and name and all I would of had no trouble getting rid of them only by asking prominent men like Goldringer and Rosco and the Dancing Trust people beside a few more personal ones. And then when we had got this far I see some of the ladies commence looking at their wrist-watches for other reasons than to show they had them, and so hustled up the last of the business which was merely how would we print our forms for subscribers to fill out. Ruby suggested a gilt-edge card tinted violet with whatever lettering I chose, and while I didn't care for it I agreed, being hungry myself.

"I do think it is awful fine of you to take on that big amount," said Pattie. "But you always was generous, Marie, I will say that for you."

"Ladies!" I said. "No thanks where they dont belong. Because I am undertaking this sale for far other reasons than you suppose."

But since everybody by then plainly cared more for their lunch than my reasons we parted, agreeing to send the money to my place on Sunday morning.

IV

But I will here set down my unspoken reasons, which was that fine as it is to walk out to your rich friends and pluck a thousand worth of stamps per each off them and of course nobody but thinks the rich should have them, too, I had a strong hunch that the reason for selling stamps at five dollars or even two bits, was because every one could get in on a good thing that way. Somehow there seemed something too up-stage about going in only for the high spots, and after ordering the cards I hurried home full of determination to make a stab at selling to the common herd and with a terrible appetite and anxious as could be over the one o'clock mail.

Well, the last two was doomed to a immediate disappointment because the censor was sitting just as tight as ever and there was only cereal for lunch. Believe you me it give me sort of a jolt when I sat down to so little and Ma's face was not any too cheering. We commenced to eat in silence which being both perfect ladies was the only thing to do as it was also burned. But after a minute Ma lay down on the job. She pushed her dish over toward me in disgust.

"Try that on your piano, Mary Gilligan!" she says.

"Well, Ma, you know what war is," I says. "And we'll get a good meal at the Ritz to-night to make up!"

Well, anyways, sustained more by patriotism than by what I had eat, I set out to put over a scheme I had all hatched out in my head for using places which was already kind of organized, as my selling agents--do you get me? And the first place I went was to Maison Rosabelle's because--believe you me--that cheap dress I had bought off her needed a plastic surgeon by then. Maison was as usual giving a unconscious imitation of a trained seal, switching gracefully around the store with a customer which she was hypnotizing into all forgetfulness of prices. But finally I got her alone long enough to express what I thought about the dress and any lady will be able to imagine what that was. Then I asked her could she fall in with my scheme which was on Saturday to take only Thrift Stamps or W.S.S. for each purchase and sell them the stamps herself. Maison didn't enthuse over the idea, though she's rich at that.

"Why, dearie! Not on a bet!" she said. "It ain't that I'm not patriotic, but this establishment is _exclusive!"_

Well, I seen there was no use arguing with her, and I guess there never is with a woman which is marcelle-waved every day of her life, not to mention that cheap fake of a dress. Next one I buy of her without a guarantee will be for her funeral! So I just left her flat and went over to Chamberlin's. Of course it takes a whole lot more brains to run a enormous cabaret and restaurant like his than Maison has to use if less nerve, he not coming personally into contact with the customers like she does, and I counted on this. I went in by the main door where a lady sat selling W.S.S. and she bored me to death with them while a captain went to find Chamberlin. When I seen him coming I tried to assume that sprightly and convincing manner of the sidewalk W.S.S. hounds, but was overcome with that deep seated sense of being about to make a flivver, which also shows on most of them. However, Chamberlin was a genial good soul and was crazy over stamps. But he had beat me to it on the admission only by buying stamps on Saturday night.

"Better try among your rich friends, Miss La Tour!" he says. "And you'll be surprised how many you'll sell. That's the easiest way unless you use a gun!"

"I don't want to sell to my friends," says I. "I want to sell to everybody--get folks to chip in. The chipping-in idea is what is so good--get together and all that."

Well, believe you me--after this I tried a dozen places and every one of them, stores and all, where I had any influence or charge account, had got theirselves so full of W.S.S. schemes that I felt like a helpless babe in arms as the poet says, before I was through. There was no room for my little $11,000 worth any place: they had all stocked up, and what to do next I had no idea.

On the way to the Ritz that night Ma didn't talk steady like she usually does and seemed kind of low in her mind, and maybe in her stomach also which I was the same by then. Not to mention the censor which it is better not to for fear I might say what I thought and he a Government official.

But anyways no sooner was we inside the hotel than two society swells tackled us for W.S.S. Oh, they was democratic, just! They spoke right to us, and everything! But my goat was got by it.

"A regular hold-up!" I whispered to Ma. And as I spoke them fateful words I remembered that I owned a gun, which it was left from a piece I done for the movies and I had kept it for a souvenir. Of course I dismissed the thought at once like the sensible woman I am. But somehow it wouldn't exactly stay away.

Did you ever get to seeing things as they really was and wondering why on earth people go through such a lot of motions pretending things is not what they seem, as some guy so truly says--do you get me? As soon as I had said "hold-up" I realized that that was just what was being done. And when I realized that it was _necessary_ to hold up people in order to get them to make a safe investment which would earn them a good net profit while saving their fool lives, I got so raving mad that a gun seemed too good for them. And mad at myself, too, for not seeing sooner how much my own Jim's welfare was hanging onto my shoulders. Somehow up to then I had really a idea that the bunch down in Washington was relieving me of all trouble and responsibility about this war. But now I seen it wasn't so. If the G.A.P. or Great American People was actually such boobs that they didn't flock up and wish their life savings onto such a scheme, they had ought to be made to, same as Ma used to hold my nose for my own good and believe you me--I can taste that oil to this day!

Well, anyways, this philosophy stuff kept going through my mind while running up a considerable check which Gawd knows we needed it or the undertaker would of conscripted us. And then all of a sudden who did I see but Ruby Roselle only two tables away and with her a husky young lounge-lizzard which goes around with her a lot--you know--one of the kind whose favorite flower is the wild oat, but never has anything to spend but the evening. And him and Ruby had their heads together and was watching me like the German spies in a movie which every one in the audience spots except their victims which of course are looking at the director close up front which is certainly the only reason they are fooled.

Well, anyways, I was surprised to see Ruby because Broadway places is more her speed, and I never see her in such refined surroundings before. But I realizing about her kind of patriotism I commenced wondering wasn't she there to watch me? Though for what reason I had no idea.

That night after the show, I asked Goldringer wouldn't he use the admission by W.S.S. Saturday, and he wouldn't because he had it on for one of his other theatres. And so I went home in despair and a taxi, and was further cheered by a empty letter-box.

In the morning the cards come--a thousand of them--and certainly more elegant looking than I had expected, I will say that for Ruby and reading as follows:

"The Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee will deliver to ............ of ............ worth of W.S.S. stamps on presentation of this card. Payment for same is hereby acknowledged."

Then came a blank which it was up to me to fill in. Well, I didn't hesitate and after a hearty breakfast of crackers and milk and weak tea, I tied up the lace sleeves of my negligee and set to work at signing them. Believe you me, before I was done I quite see why President Wilson used a rubber stamp! But I didn't weaken until noon, when any one would have on the meal I'd had. And by then they was finished anyways and every one of them valid and as good as my cheque. Then just as I was feeling proud of myself in come Ma and I could see at once she was going to take a fall out of me in her sweet womanly way.

"If you ain't too busy with your war work," says Ma very gentle but firm, "I'd like to talk to you about something before we set down to the skeleton lunch which is waiting and can be continued in our next for all I care!" she says.

Well, I got that gone-around-the-middle feeling which I always get when Ma gives me a certain look, just like I used to when she'd tell me soap was good for washing out the mouths of kids which had told a lie. And so I just set there and listened.

"Now, Mary Gilligan," she commenced. "Do you know the size of the cheque you signed over to the hotel last night?"

"About twelve-fifty," I says sort of getting a glimmer.

"When your Pa and me was married he give me twelve a week for all our meals!" she says, and set back and folded her hands in a way which said all she hadn't.

"But times has changed," I says sort of feeble.

"But appetites has not!" says Ma. "And how can you keep in good training on this war-nonsense?" she wanted to know. "Not to mention me, which it might improve my figure but never my disposition?"

"But how about making war sacrifices and all, Ma?" I says. "Jim ain't eating like we done up till yesterday!"

"Nor he ain't eating twelve dollar dinners at the Ritz, neither," she reminds me, at which of course I shut up and she went on. "Now I dont believe being stingy to ourselves is really gonner help the war. You have strode in upon my department for once, Mary Gilligan, and I'm going to put you out! You don't know where to economize and I do. No more eating out, and a good sensible table at home, minus cream cakes," she says, "is what we do from now on!"

And with that she marches out leaving me flat as one of her own pan-cakes. Well, this was bad enough, but when Musette got after me as I was dressing to go for my five miles, I seen that my humbling for the day was not finished.

"That dress Madam bought yesterday," she began.

"You can have it!" I said, beating her to it, or so I thought.

"Thank you, I do not care for it," says Musette. "I was just remarking it is really not fit to wear again. Madam would of done better to pay a little more!"

Can you beat it? You can not! Two falls from one pride! Believe you me I took _some_ walk that afternoon, and if I had wore a speedomiter I bet it would have registered a lot over five miles. And while I was walking I kept getting madder and madder and more and more worked up over what boneheads people was and how was a person to economize nowadays and how on earth would I sell all them stamps by Saturday night with a matinée in between and keep my promise to President Wilson? It begun to look like I was going to have to become one of them sidewalk pests. I got a real good picture of myself going up to the proud or pesky passer-by, and getting turned down so often that my spirit was bent thinking of it.

But--believe you me--I made up my mind that if I had to hold up anybody to make them invest in the World's Soundest Securities or W.S.S. I would hold them up good and plenty and no disguise about it. I thought again about my revolver, the one which I had used it in the movies when I done "The Dancer's Downfall" for them and kept it for a souvenir. I was that wrought up over the situation that by the time I got home I had pretty near decided I'd take that fire-arm to the theatre and lock the doors and come down front center and shoot out one of the lights to show I meant it and then take the money right off the audience. The theatre being my native element it seemed only natural to pull the trick there, only being a lady the gun really did look a little rough only not more so than the public deserved.

V

WELL, anyways, I was certainly up against it with all them blanks still on my hands and no way in sight of getting rid of them. And just to make things nice and pleasant, what do I see when I come on the stage that night but Ruby Roselle and her pet lounge-lizzard which were sitting in a box. She certainly seems to go in for reptiles for pets. And no sooner did I get off after my eighth curtain call, than around she comes to my dressing room and hands me a check for her stamps and for the ones she had undertaken to sell and already had.

"I suppose yours is all sold too!" says Ruby. "You are so efficient, dearie!"

"Oh, mine are all right!" I snapped. "Or will be by this time to-morrow."

"Why, ain't they gone?" she cooed. And did I wish for my gun? I did! "Ain't you give any of them cards out yet?" she says.

"No!" I says. "But I will--I'll commence with you, dear Miss Roselle," I says. "And here you are"--and I filled out the receipt cards which I had a few in my vanity case for emergencies, and give them to her. When she took them I noticed she had a awful funny look in her eye, but at the time it meant nothing to me. Alas! Would I had heeded it more--but no--solid ivory! Solid ivory! I passed it up completely. And Ruby grabbed the cards, collected her new pet animal, and went away.

Well, my state of mind that night was distinctly poor, even after the nice little well-ballanced war-ration of hot chocolate and corn bread with brown sugar which Ma had for me and delicious as anything you ever ate if she did get the recipe out of a newspaper and they so unreliable nowadays. But no letter from Jim, and so after I had asked Ma if she thought it was right to wear black, I went to bed and fell into a exhausted sleep which lasted well on toward the box-office man's afternoon on, because Ma always lets me sleep late when I have to dance twice.

Well, anyways, I was so rushed getting to the theatre for the matinée that I hadn't no time to try any of that sidewalk stuff, only I did get a cheque from each of the other committee members and told Ma to send them receipt cards. And did I feel cheap? I _did!_ A flivver, that was what I had made. But so long as Jim was surely dead by now, I didn't care for myself. Only my promise to Mr. Wilson made a lump in my throat while doing my three hand-springs and the "Valse Superb," which shows how bad I felt. And what do you know, when I took my encore, there was Ruby Roselle again, down in front and all alone.

This got about the last butt out of my goat and I sent an usher to get her, but Ruby had went before the usher had made up her mind to undertake the mission. I was just about wild all the way home, and the sight of Ma's face when I got there almost made me cry it was that sweet and friendly. Honest to Gawd when Ma has got her own way about anything she is just lovely to be with! And having got the kitchen back and the grandest dish of baked beans all full of molasses and salt pork for dinner, she was feeling fine and I was the same under her influence and even let her play "Sing Me to Sleep" with the loud pedal on Jim's souvenir afterwards and never said a word to her about it, though suffering while I listened. And then it was time to go back to the theatre and I took Musette and that whole box of gilt edged securities which seemed no good to nobody, but I took them, and a good yet bad thing I did, for on the way downtown I decided what to do, and when I got there, called the ushers and gave them instructions and a little something else by way of promoting kindly feelings. And then with beating heart I beat it for the dressing room and commenced rubbing on my make-up cream with trembling fingers.

Did you ever make one of them critical decisions which you knew in your heart you was actually going to carry it through and no camouflage, even if it killed you and it very likely to? Well, when I decided to make a speech right out in public I got that feeling--do you get me? And any Elk or other lodge member which attends annual banquets will know what I mean. Honest to Gawd I nearly missed my cue, and after I finally got on the stage the dance I did must of been either automatic or a inspiration and I don't know why they liked it out in front, but they did. All I personally myself could hear was "Ladies and Gentleman, I want to speak a word to you,"--You know! And hand-springs in between! Well of course when I come out for my first encore I didn't have the wind to say nothing--But my eyes was as good as ever and there in a box was Ruby Roselle again!

Believe you me--that was a jolt and a half! Here she had come to give me the laugh I had no doubt, and somehow after the second call my wind was all of a sudden back good and strong, and with it came my courage. For I wouldn't of been downed by her, not for anything!

So stepping foreward in a modest manner I held up my hand and the house got quiet and listened. As I have said, the show was at the Spring Garden, and it's awful big and I had never knew how full of silence it could be until I heard the sound of my own voice all alone in it. But after a minute I got used to it, and so interested in trying to convince the folks, that I didn't care.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," I says. "This is going to be a plain, good old-fashioned hold-up! If you listen hard, maybe you'll hear the screams of the women and children, and the groans of the wounded pocket-books! Far be it from me to do anything so unrefined as to actually use a gun on you," I says, "but I'm going to do the next thing to it. I'm going to sell eleven thousand dollars worth of W.S.S. right here and now, and you are going to buy them. I know all of you has probably been buying them all day and is sick of them, but I have personally promised President Wilson to do as much by to-night without fail and you must help me make good. And no matter how many you have bought," I says, "unless you have a thousand dollars worth you can spend another ten or so apiece. Now, as I say, I know this is a hold-up, because it is meant to be. And any public which can sit here in a theatre and feel anoyed at having to buy a few stamps when a million of our boys is over in far-away, sort of unreal France, giving their lives, had ought to have a machine gun turned on them from this stage instead of a line of talk! Probably this is the first time in the history of finances that it has been necessary to jolly a crowd into making a good investment. If I was selling stock in a fake gold mine," I says, "you would probably be climbing on the stage to get it! Now will everybody willing to take ten dollars worth kindly stand up?"

There was a few laughs, and a few people got up here and there, sort of shamefaced.

"Come on!" I says. "Come on--are you all cripples? You over there--only ten dollars--save it on next months grocery bill--all right--save it on your auto bill!"

A few more got up then, but not nearly enough and I caught sight of Goldringer in the wings by then and not having warned him what I was going to do, I could tell by his expression that I mustn't hold the stage too long or a militaristic system would right away be born in our theatre. So I got desperate.