Part 6

_Thier._ Stay, she is warm, And by my life the same lips tell me brightness, Are you the same _Ordella_ still?

_Mart._ The same, Sir, Whom heavens and my good Angel staid from ruin.

_Thier._ Kiss me again.

_Ordel._ The same still, still your servant.

_Thier._ 'Tis she, I know her now _Martel_; sit down sweet. Oh blest and happiest woman, a dead slumber Begins to creep upon me, oh my jewel!

_Enter Messenger and_ Memberge.

_Ordel._ Oh sleep my Lord.

_Thier._ My joyes are too much for me.

_Mess. Brunhalt_ impatient of her constraint to see _Protaldye_ tortur'd, has choak'd her self.

_Mart._ No more, her sins go with her.

_Thier._ Love, I must die, I faint, close up my glasses.

_1 Doct._ The Queen faints too, and deadly.

_Thier._ One dying kiss.

_Ordel._ My last Sir, and my dearest, and now Close my eyes too.

_Thier._ Thou perfect woman. _Martel_, the Kingdom's yours, take _Memberge_ to you, And keep my line alive; nay, weep not, Lady, Take me, I go.

_Ordel._ Take me too, farewel honour. [_Die both._

_2 Doct._ They are gone for ever.

_Mart._ The peace of happy souls go after them, Bear them to their last beds, whilst I study A Tomb to speak their loves; whilst old time laste[t]h I am your King in sorrows.

_Omnes._ We your subjects.

_Mart. Devitry_, for your service, be near us, Whip out these instruments of this mad mother From Court, and all good people; and because She was born Noble, let that Title find her A private grave, but neither tongue nor honor: And now lead on, they that shall read this story, Shall find that Virtue lives in Good, not Glory.

[_Exeunt Omnes._

The Woman-Hater.

PROLOGUE.

_Gentlemen, Inductions are out of date, and a Prologue in Verse, is as stale as a black Velvet Cloak, and a Bay Garland: therefore you shall have it plain Prose, thus: If there be any amongst you, that come to hear lascivious Scenes, let them depart: for I do pronounce this, to the utter discomfort of all twopenny Gallery men, you shall have no bawdery in it: or if there be any lurking amongst you in corners, with Table-books, who have some hope to find fit matter to feed his ---- ---- malice on, let them claspe them up, and slink away, or stay and be converted. For he that made this Play, means to please Auditors so, as he may be an Auditor himself hereafter, and not purchase them with the dear [losse] of his [e]ares: I dare not call it_ Comedy _or_ Tragedy; _'tis perfectly neither: A Play it is, which was meant to make you_ _laugh, how it [will] please you, is not written in my Part: for_ _though you should like it to day, perhaps your selves know not how you should digest it to morrow: Some things in it you may meet with, which are out of the common road: a Duke there is, and the Scæne lies in Italy, as those two things lightly we never miss. But you shall not find in it the ordinary and over-worn Trade of jesting at Lords and Courtiers, and Citizens, without taxation of any particular or new vice by them found out, but at the persons of them; such, he, that made this, thinks vile, and for his own part vows; That he did never think, but that a [Lord] born might be a wise man, and a Courtier an honest man._

_Actus Primus. Scæna Prima._

_Enter Duke of_ Millain, Arrigo, Lucio, _and two Courtiers_.

Tis now the sweetest time for sleep, the night is scarce spent; _Arrigo_, what's a clock?

_Arri._ Past four.

_Duke._ Is it so much, and yet the morn not up? See yonder where the shamefac'd Maiden comes Into our sight, how gently doth she slide, Hiding her chaste cheeks, like a modest Bride, With a red veil of blushes; as [is] she, Even such all modest virtuous Women be. Why thinks your Lordship I am up so soon?

_Lucio._ About some weighty State plot.

_Duke._ And what thinks your knighthood of it?

_Arr._ I do think to cure some strange corruptions in the Common-wealth.

_Duke._ Y'are well conceited of your selves to think I chuse you out to bear me company In such affairs and business of state: For am not I a pattern for all Princes, That break my soft sleep for my subjects good? Am I not careful? very provident?

_Luc._ Your Grace is careful.

_Arri._ Very provident.

_Duke._ Nay, knew you how my serious working plots, Concern the whole Estates of all my subjects, I, and their lives; then _Lucio_ thou wouldst swear, I were a loving Prince.

_Luc._ I think your Grace intends to walk the publick streets disguis'd, to see the streets disorders.

_Duke._ It is not so.

_Arri._ You secretly will cross some other states, that do conspire against you.

_Duke._ Weightier far: You are my friends, and you shall have the cause; I break my sleeps thus soon to see a wench.

_Luc._ Y'are wond'rous careful for your subjects good.

_Arri._ You are a very loving Prince indeed.

_Duke._ This care I take for them, when their dull eyes, Are clos'd with heavy slumbers.

_Arri._ Then you rise to see your wenches?

_Luc._ What _Milan_ beauty hath the power, to charme her Sovereign eyes, and break his sleeps?

_Duke._ Sister to Count _Valore_, she's a Maid Would make a Prince forget his throne, and sta[t]e, And lowly kneel to her: the general fate Of all mortality, is hers to give; As she disposeth, so we die and live.

_Luc._ My Lord, the day grows clear, the Court will rise.

_Duk._ We stay too long, is the _Umbranoes_ head as we commanded, sent to the sad _Gondarino_, our General?

_Arr._ 'Tis sent.

_Duke._ But stay, where shines that light?

_Arri._ 'Tis in the chamber of _Lazarello_.

_Duke. Lazarillo?_ what is he?

_Arri._ A Courtier my Lord, and one that I wonder your Grace knows not: for he hath followed your Court, and your last predecessors, from place to place, any time this seven year[e], as faithfully as your Spits and your Dripping-pans have done, and almost as greasily.

_Duke._ Oh we know him, as we have heard, he keeps a Kalender of all the [famous] dishes of meat, that have been in the Court, ever since our great Grandfathers time; and when he can thrust in at no Table, he makes his meat of that.

_Lucio._ The very same my Lord.

_Duk[e]._ A Courtier call'st thou him? Believe me _Lucio_, there be many such About our Court, respected, as they think, Even by our self; with thee I will be plain:

We Princes do use, to preferre many for nothing, and to take particular and free knowledg[e], almost in the nature of acquaintance of many; whom we do use only for our pleasures, and [d]o give largely to numbers; more out of policy to be thought liberal, and by that means to make the people strive to deserve our Love; than to reward any particular desert of theirs, to whom we give: and do suffer our selves to hear flatterers, more for recreation

Than for love of it, though we seldom hate it: And yet we know all these, and when we please, Can touch the wheel, and turn their names about.

_Luc._ I wonder they that know their states so well, should fancy such base slaves.

_Duke._ Thou wond'rest _Lucio_, Dost not thou think, if thou wert Duke of _Milan_, Thou should'st be flattered?

_Luc._ I know my Lord, I would not.

_Duke._ Why so, I thought till I was Duke, I thought I should have left me no more flatterers, than there are now Plain-dealers; and yet for all this my resolution, I am most palpably flattered: the poor man may loath covetousness and flattery, but fortune will alter the mind when the wind turns: there may be well a little conflict, but it will drive the billows before it.

_Arrigo_ it grows late, for see, fair _Thetis_ hath undone the barrs To _Phebus_ team; and his unrival'd light, Hath cha[s]'d the mornings modest blush away: Now must we to our love, bright _Paphian_ Queen; Thou _Cytherean_ goddess, that delights In stirring glances, and art still thy self, More toying than thy team of Sparrows be; Thou laughing _Errecina_, oh inspire Her heart with love, or lessen my desire. [_Exeunt._

_Scæna Secunda._

_Enter_ Lazarillo _and his boy_.

_Laz._ Go run, search, pry in every nook and angle of the Kitchins, Larders, and Pasteries, know what meat's boil'd, bak'd, rost, stew'd, fri'd, or sous'd, at this dinner to be serv'd directly, or indirectly, to every several Table in the Court, be gone.

_Boy._ I run, but not so fast as your mouth will do upon the stroke of Eleven. [_Exit Boy._

_Laz._ What an excellent thing did God bestow upon man, when he [did give] him a good stomach! what unbounded graces there are pour'd upon them that have the continual command of the very best of these blessings! 'tis an excellent thing to be a Prince; he is serv'd with such admirable variety of Fare; such innumerable choice of Delicates; his Tables are full fraught with most nourishing food, and his Cubbards heavy laden with rich Wines; his Court is still filled with most [pleasing varieties]: In the Summer, his Palace is full of Green Geese; and in Winter it [swarmeth] Woodcocks,

Oh thou goddess of Plenty Fill me this day with some rare delicates And I will every year most constantly, As this day celebrate a sumptuous Feast, If thou wilt send me victuals in thine honor; And to it shall be bidden for thy sake, Even all the valiant stomachs in the Court: All short-cloak'd Knights, and all cross-garter'd Gentlemen; All pump and pantofle, foot-cloth riders; With all the swarming generation Of long stocks, short pain'd hose, and huge stuff'd doublets: All these shall eat, and which is more than yet Hath e'er been seen, they shall be satisfied. I wonder my Ambassador returns not!

_Enter Boy._

_Boy._ Here I am Master.

_Laza._ And welcome: Never did that sweet Virgin in her smock, Fair-cheek'd _Andromeda_, when to the rock Her Ivorie limbs were chain'd, and straight before A huge Sea-monster, tumbling to the shore, To have devour'd her, with more longing sight Expect the coming of some hardy Knight, That might have quell'd his pride, and set her free, Than I with longing sight have look'd for thee.

_Boy._ Your _Perseus_ is come Master, that will destroy him, The very comfort of whose presence shuts The monster hunger from your yelping guts.

_Laza._ Brief boy, brief, discourse the service of each several Table compendiously.

_Boy._ Here's a Bill of all Sir.

_Laza._ Give it me, a Bill of all the several services this day appointed for every Table in the Court,

I, this is it on which my hopes relye, Within this paper all my joyes are clos'd: Boy, open it, and read it with reverence.

_Boy._ For the Captain of the Guards Table, three chines of Beef, and two jo[l]ls of Sturgeon.

_Laza._ A portly service, but gross, gross, proceed to the Dukes own Table, dear boy, to the Dukes own Table.

_Boy._ For the Dukes own Table, the head of an _Umbrana_.

_Laza._ Is't possible? can Heaven be so propitious to the Duke?

_Boy._ Yes, I'll assure you Sir, 'tis possible, Heaven is so propitious to him.

_Laza._ Why then he is the richest Prince alive: He were the wealthiest Monarch in all _Europe_, Had he no other Territories, Dominions, Provinces, Seats, No[r] Palaces, but only that _Umbrana_'s head.

_Boy._ 'Tis very fresh and sweet, Sir, the fish was taken but this night, and the head, as a rare novelty, appointed by special commandement for the Dukes own Table, this dinner.

_Laza._ If poor unworthy I may come to eat Of this most sacred dish, I here do vow (If that blind Huswife, Fortune will bestow But means on me) to keep a sumptuous house,

A board groaning under the heavy burden of the beasts that cheweth the cudd, and the Fowl that cutteth the Air: I shall not like the Table of a countrey Justice, besprinkled over with all manner of cheap Sallads, sliced Beef, Giblets, and Petitoes, to fill up room, nor should there stand any great, cumbersom, un-cut-up pies, at the nether end fill'd with moss and stones, partly to make a shew with and partly to keep the lower Mess from eating, nor shall my meat come in sneaking, like the City service, one dish a quarter of an hour after another, and gone, as if they had appointed to meet there, and had mistook the hour, nor should it, like the new Court service, come in in haste, as if it fain would be gone again, all courses at once, like a hunting breakfast, but I would have my several courses, and my dishes well fill'd, my first course should be brought in after the antient manner, by a score of old bleer-ey'd Serving-men, in long blew coats, (marry they shall buy Silk, Facing, and Buttons themselves) but that's by the way.

_Boy._ Master the time calls on, will you be walking? [_Exit Boy._

_Laza._ Follow boy, follow, my guts were half an hour since in the privy Kitchin. [_Exeunt._

_Scæna Tertia._

_Enter Count, and his Sister_ Oriana.

_Oria._ Faith brother, I must needs go yonder.

_Count._ And faith Sister what will you do yonder?

_Oria._ I know the Lady _Honoria_ will be glad to see me.

_Count._ Glad to see you? faith the Lady _Honoria_ cares for you as she doth for all other young Ladies, she's glad to see you, and will shew you the Privy Garden, and tell you how many Gowns the Duchess had; Marry if you have ever an old Uncle, that would be a Lord, or ever a kinsman that hath done a murther, or committed a robbery, and will give good store of Money to procure his pardon, then the Lady _Honoria_ will be glad to see you.

_Oria._ I, but they say one shall see fine sights at the Court.

_Count._ I'll tell you what you shall see, you shall see many faces of mans making, for you shall find very few as God left them: and you shall see many legs too; amongst the rest you shall behold one pair, the feet of which, were in times past, sockless, but are now through the change of time (that alters all things) very strangely become the legs of a Knight and a Courtier; another pair you shall see, that were heir apparent legs to a Glover, these legs hope shortly to be honourable; when they pass by they will bow, and the mouth to these legs, will seem to offer you some Courtship; it [will] swear, but [it] will lye, hear it not.

_Oria._ Why, and are not these fine sights?

_Count._ Sister, in seriousness you yet are young And fair, a fair young Maid, and apt.

_Oria._ Apt?

_Count._ Exceeding apt[, apt] to be drawn to.

_Oria._ To what?

_Count._ To that you should not be, 'tis no dispraise, She is not bad that hath desire to ill, But she that hath no power to rule that Will: For there you shall be wooed in other kinds Than yet your years have known, the chiefest men Will seem to throw themselves As vassals at your [service], kiss your hand, Prepare [you] Banquets, Masques, Shews, all inticements That Wit and Lust together can devise, To draw a Lady from the state of Grace To an old Lady widdows Gallery; And they will praise your virtues, beware that, The only way to turn a Woman whore, Is to commend her chastity: you'll goe?

_Oria._ I would go, if it were but only to shew you, that I could be there, and be mov'd with none of these tricks.

_Count._ Your servants are ready?

_Oria._ An hour since.

_Count._ Well, if you come off clear from this hot service, Your praise shall be the greater. Farewel Sister.

_Oria._ Farewel Brother.

_Count._ Once more, if you stay in the presence till candle-light, keep on the foreside o'th' Curtain; and do you hear, take heed of the old Bawd, in the cloth of Tissue sleeves, and the knit Mittines. Farewel Sister. [_Exit_ Oria.

Now am I idle, I would I had been a Scholar, that I might a studied now: the punishment of meaner men is, they have too much to do; our only misery is, that without company we know not what to do; I must take some of the common courses of our Nobility; which is thus: if I can find no company that likes me, pluck off my Hatband, throw an old Cloak over my face, and as if I would not be known, walk hastily through the streets, till I be discovered; then there goes Count such a one, says one; there goes Count such a one, says another: Look how fast he goes, says a third; there's some great matters in hand questionless, says a fourth; when all my business is to hav[e] them say so: this hath been used; or if I can find any company, I'll after dinner to the Stage, to see a Play; where, when I first enter, you shall have a murmure in the house, every one that does not know cries, What Nobleman is that? all the Gallants on the Stage rise, vail to me, kiss their hand, offer me their places: then I pick out some one, whom I please to grace among the rest, take his seat, use it, throw my cloak over my face, and laugh at him: the poor Gentleman imagines himself most highly grac'd, thinks all the Auditors esteem him one of my bosom friends; and in right special regard with me. But here comes a Gentleman, that I hope will make me better sport, than either street and stage fooleries.

_Enter_ Lazarello _and Boy_.

This man loves to eat good meat, always provided, he do not pay for it himself, he goes by the name of the _Hungry Courtier_, marry, because I think that name will not sufficiently distinguish him, for no doubt he hath more fellows there, his name is _Lazarello_, he is none of these [same] ordinary eaters, that will devour three breakfasts, and as many dinners, without any prejudice to their Beavers, Drinkings, or Suppers; but he hath a more courtly kind of hunger, and doth hunt more after novelty, than plenty, I'll overhear him.

_Laza._ Oh thou most itching kindly appetite, Which every creature in his stomach feels; Oh leave, leave yet at last thus to torment me. Three several Sallads have I sacrific'd, Bedew'd with precious oil and vinegar Already to appease thy greedy wrath. Boy.

_Boy._ Sir.

_Laza._ Will the Count speak with me?

_Boy._ One of his Gentlemen is gone to inform him of your coming, Sir.

_Laza._ There is no way left for me to compass th[is] Fish-head, but by being presently made known to the Duke.

_Boy._ That will be hard Sir.

_Laza._ When I have tasted of this sacred dish, Then shall my bones rest in my Fathers tomb In peace; then shall I dye most willingly, And as a dish be serv'd to satisfie, Deaths hunger, and I will be buried thus: My Bier shall be a charger born by four, The Coffin where I lye, a powd'ring-tub, Bestrew'd with Lettice, and cool Sallad herbs, My Winding-sheet of Tansies, the black Guard Shall be my solemn Mourners, and instead Of ceremonies, wholsom burial Prayers: A printed dirge in rhyme, shall bury me. Instead of tears, let them pour Capon sauce upon my hearse, And salt instead of dust, Manchets for stones, for other glorious shields Give me a Voider; and above my Hearse For a Trutch sword, my naked knife stuck up.

[_The Count discovers himself._

_Boy._ Master, the Count's here.

_Laza._ Where? my Lord I do beseech you.

_Count._ Y'are very welcome Sir, I pray you stand up, you shall dine with me.

_Laza._ I do beseech your Lordship by the love I still have born to your honourable house.

_Count._ Sir, what need all this? you shall dine with me, I pray rise.

_Laza._ Perhaps your Lordship takes me for one of these same fellows, that do as it were respect victuals.

_Count._ Oh Sir by no means.

_Laza._ Your Lordship has often promised, that whensoever I should affect greatness, your own hand should help to raise me.

_Count._ And so much still assure your self of.

_Laza._ And though I must confess, I have ever shun'd popularity, by the example of others, yet I do now feel my self a little ambitious, your Lordship is great, and though young, yet a Privy Counsellor.

_Count._ I pray you Sir leap into the matter, what would You have me do for you?

_Laza._ I would intreat your Lordship to make me known to the Duke.

_Count._ When Sir?

_Laza._ Suddainly my Lord, I would have you present me unto him this morning.

_Count._ It shall be done, but for what virtues, would you have him take notice of you?

_Laza._ Your Lordship shall know that presently.

_Count._ 'Tis pity of this fellow, he is of good wit, and sufficient understanding, when he is not troubled with this greedy worm.

_Laza._ 'Faith, you may intreat him to take notice of me for any thing; for being an excellent Farrier, for playing well at Span-counter, or sticking knives in walls, for being impudent, or for nothing; why may not I be a Favorite on the suddain? I see nothing against it.

_Count._ Not so Sir, I know you have not the face to be a Favourite on the suddain.

_Laz._ Why then you shall present me as a Gentleman well qualified, or one extraordinary seen in divers strange mysteries.

_Count._ In what Sir? as how?

_Laz._ Marry as thus--

_Enter [I]ntelligencer._

_Count._ Yonder's my old Spirit, that hath haunted me daily, ever since I was a privy Counsellor, I must be rid of him, I pray you stay there, I am a little busie, I will speak with you presently.

_Laza._ You shall bring me in, and after a little other talk taking me by the hand, you shall utter these words to the Duke: May it please your grace, to take note of a Gentleman, well read, deeply learned, and throughly grounded in the hidden knowledge of all Sallads and Pot-herbs whatsoever.

_Count._ 'Twill be rare, if you will walk before, Sir, I will overtake you instantly.

_Laza._ Your Lordships ever.

_Count._ This fellow is a kind of an informer, one that lives in Alehouses and Taverns, and because he perceives some worthy men in this Land, with much labour and great expence, to have discovered things dangerously hanging over the State; he thinks to discover as much out of the talk of drunkards in Tap-houses: he brings me informations, pick'd out of broken words, in mens common talk, which, with his malicious mis-application, he hopes will seem dangerous, he doth besides, bring me the names of all the young Gentlemen in the City, that use Ordinaries, or Taverns, talking (to my thinking) only as the freedom of their youth teach them, without any further ends; for dangerous and seditious spirits; he is besides, an arrant whoremaster, as any is in _Milan_, of a Lay-man; I will not meddle with the Clergy: he is parcel Lawyer, and in my conscience much of their religion, I must put upon him some piece of service; come hither Sir, what have you to do with me?

_Int._ Little my Lord, I only come to know how your Lordship would employ me.

_Count._ Observed you that Gentleman, that parted from me but now?

_Int._ I saw him now my Lord.

_Count._ I was sending for you, I have talked with this man, and I do find him dangerous.

_Int._ Is your Lordship in good earnest?

_Count._ Hark you Sir, there may perhaps be some within ear-[shot]. [_He whispers with him._

_Enter_ Lazarello _and his Boy_.

_Laz._ Sirrah, will you venture your life, the Duke hath sent the Fish-head to my Lord?

_Boy._ Sir if he have not, kill me, do what you will with me.