Part 10

_Clow._ I was ne'er so cold in my life, in my Conscience I have been seven mile in length, along the New River; I have seen a hundred stickle bags; I do not think but there's gudgeons too; 'twill ne'er be a true water.

_Cun._ Why think you so?

_Clow._ I warrant you, I told a thousand Millers thumbs in it, I'll make a little bold with your Sweet-meats.

_Cun._ And welcome _Pompey_.

_Clow._ 'Tis a strange thing, I have no taste in any thing.

_Cun._ Oh, that's Love, that distasts any thing but it self.

_Clow._ 'Tis worse than Cheese in that point, may not a Man break his word with a Lady? I could find in my heart and my hose too.

_Cun._ By no means, Sir, that breaks all the Laws of Love.

_Clow._ Well, I'll ne'er pass my word without my deed to A Lady, while I live agen, I would fain recover my taste.

_Cun._ Well, I have news to tell you.

_Clow._ Good news, Sir?

_Cun._ Happy news, I help you away with a Rival your Master bestow'd.

_Clow._ Where, for this Plumbs sake--

_Cun._ Nay, listen me.

_Clow._ I warrant you, Sir, I have two ears to one mouth, I hear more than I eat, I'de ne'er row by Queen Hive While I liv'd else.

_Cun._ I have a Wife for him, and thou shalt witness the Contract.

_Clow._ The old one I hope, 'tis not the Lady?

_Cun._ Choak him first, 'tis one which thou shalt see, See him, see him deceiv'd, see the deceit, only The injunction is, you shall smile with modesty.

_Clow._ I'll simper I'faith, as cold as I am yet, the old one I hope.

_Enter_ Servant.

_Serv._ Sir, here's Sir _Gregory_.

_Cun._ U'd so, shelter, shelter, if you be seen, All's ravell'd out again; stand there private, And you'll find the very opportunity To call you forth, and place you at the Table.

_Enter_ Sir Gregory.

You are welcome, Sir, this Banquet will serve, When it is crown'd with such a dainty as you Expect, and must have.

_Sir Greg._ 'Tush, these sweet-meats are but sauce to that, Well, if there be any honesty, or true word in a dream, She's mine own, nay, and chang'd extreamly, Not the same Woman.

_Cun._ Who, not the Lady?

_Sir Greg._ No, not to me, the edge of her tongue is taken off, Gives me very good words, turn'd up-side-down to me, And we live as quietly as two _Tortoises_, if she hold on, As she began in my dream. [_Soft Musick._

_Cun._ Nay, if Love send forth such Predictions, You are bound to believe 'em, there's the watch-word Of her coming; to your practis'd part now, If you hit it, _Æquus Cupido nobis_. [_Both go into the Gown._

_Sir Greg._ I will warrant you, Sir, I will give armes to Your Gentry, look you forward to your business, I am an eye behind you, place her in that Chair, And let me alone to grope her out.

_Enter_ Mirabell.

_Cun._ Silence, Lady, your sweet presence illustrates This homely roof, and, as course entertainment; But where affections are both Host and Guest, They cannot meet unkindly; please you sit, Your something long stay made me unmannerly, To place before you, you know this friend here, He's my Guest, and more especially, That this our meeting might not be too single, Without a witness to't.

_Mirab._ I came not unresolv'd, Sir, And when our hands are clasp'd in that firm faith Which I expect from you; fame shall be bold To speak the loudest on't: oh you grasp me Somewhat too hard friend.

_Cun._ That's Love's eager will, I'll touch it gentlier. [_Kisses her hand._

_Mirab._ That's too low in you, Less it be doubly recompenc'd in me. [_She kisses his hand._

_Clow._ Puh, I must stop my mouth, I shall be choakt else.

_Cun._ Come, we'll not play and trifle with delayes, We met to joyn these hands, and willingly I cannot leave it till confirmation.

_Mirab._ One word first, how does your friend, kind Sir _Gregory_?

_Cun._ Why do you mention him? you love him not?

_Mir._ I shall love you the less if you say so, Sir, In troth I love him, but 'tis you deceive him, This flattering hand of yours does rob him now, Now you steal his right from him, and I know I shall have hate for't, his hate extreamly.

_Cun._ Why I thought you had not come so weakly arm'd, Upon my life the Knight will love you for't, Exceedingly love you, for ever love you.

_Mir._ I, you'll perswade me so.

_Cun._ Why he's my friend, And wishes me a fortune equal with him, I know, and dare speak it for him.

_Mir._ Oh, this hand betrayes him, you might remember him in some courtesie yet at least.

_Cun._ I thank your help in't, here's to his health Where e'er he be.

_Mir._ I'll pledge it, were it against my health.

_Clow._ Oh, oh, my heart hops after twelve mile a day, upon a good return, now could I walk three hundred mile a foot, and laugh forwards and backwards.

_Mir._ You'll take the Knights health, Sir.

_Clow._ Yes, yes forsooth, oh my sides! such a Banquet once a week, would make me grow fat in a fortnight.

_Cun._ Well, now to close our meeting, with the close Of mutual hands and hearts, thus I begin, Here in Heavens eye, and all loves sacred powers, (Which in my Prayers stand propitious) I knit this holy hand fast, and with this hand The heart that owes this hand, ever binding By force of this initiating Contract Both heart and hand in love, faith, loyalty, Estate, or what to them belongs, in all the dues, Rights and honors of a faithful husband, And this firm vow, henceforth till death, to stand Irrevocable, seal'd both with heart and hand.

_Mir._ Which thus I second, but oh, Sir _Gregory_.

_Cun._ Agen? this interposition's ill, believe me.

_Mir._ Here, in Heavens eye, and all Loves sacred powers, I knit this holy hand fast, and with this hand The heart that owes this hand, ever binding Both heart and hand in love, honor, loyalty, Estate, or what to them belongs in all the dues, Rights, and duties of a true faithful Wife; And this firm Vow, henceforth till death, to stand, Irrevocable, seal'd both with heart and hand.

_Sir Greg._ A full agreement on both parts.

_Cun._ I, here's witness of that.

_Sir Greg._ Nay, I have over-reacht you Lady, and that's much, For any Knight in _England_ to over-reach a Lady.

_Mir._ I rejoyce in my deceit, I am a Lady Now, I thank you, Sir.

_Clow._ Good morrow Lady _Fop_.

_Sir Greg._ 'Snails, I'm gull'd, made a worshipful ass, this is not my Lady.

_Cun._ But it is Sir, and true as your dream told you, That your Lady was become another Woman.

_Sir Greg._ I'll have another Lady, Sir, if there were no more Ladies in _London_, blind-man buff is an unlawful Game.

_Cun._ Come, down on your knees first, and thank your Stars.

_Sir Greg._ A fire of my stars, I may thank you, I think.

_Cun._ So you may pray for me, and honor me, That have preserv'd you from a lasting torment, For a perpetual comfort; Did you call me friend?

_Sir Greg._ I pray pardon me for that, I did miscall you, I confess.

_Cun._ And should I, receiving such a thankful name, Abuse it in the act? Should I see my friend Bafled, disgrac'd, without any reverence To your title, to be call'd slave, rascal? Nay curst to your face, fool'd, scorn'd, beaten down With a womans peevish hate, yet I should stand And suffer you to be lost, cast away? I would have seen you buried quick first, Your spurs of Knighthood to have wanted rowels, And to be kickt from your heels; slave, rascall? Hear this Tongue?

_Mir._ My dearest Love, sweet Knight, my Lord, my Husband.

_Cun._ So, this is not slave, and rascall then.

_Mir._ What shall your eye command, but shall be done, In all the duties of a loyal Wife?

_Cun._ Good, good, are not curses fitter for you? wer't not better Your head were broke with the handle of a fan, Or your nose bor'd with a silver bodkin?

_Mir._ Why, I will be a servant in your Lady.

_Cun._ 'Pox, but you shall not, she's too good for you, This contract shall be a nullity, I'll break't off, And see you better bestow'd.

_Sir Greg._ 'Slid, but you shall not, Sir, she's mine own, and I am hers, and we are one anothers lawfully, and let me see him that will take her away by the Civil Law: if you be my friend, keep you so, if you have done me a good turn, do not hit me i'th' teeth with't, that's not the part of a friend.

_Cun._ If you be content--

_Sir Greg._ Content? I was never in better contention in my life. I'll not change her for both the Exchanges, New or the Old; Come, kiss me boldly.

_Clow._ Give you joy, Sir.

_Sir Greg._ Oh Sir, I thank you as much as though I did, you are belov'd of Ladies, you see we are glad of under-women.

_Clow._ Ladies? let not Ladies be disgrac'd, you are as it were a Married Man, and have a family, and for the parties sake that was unnam'd before, being Pese-cod time, I am appeas'd, yet I would wish you make a Ruler of your Tongue.

_Cun._ Nay, no dissention here, I must bar that, And this (friend) I entreat you, and be advis'd, Let this private contract be yet conceal'd, And still support a seeming face of love Unto the Lady; mark how it availes you, And quits all her scorns, her Unckle is now hot In pursuit of the match, and will enforce her, Bend her proud stomach, that she shall proffer Her self to you, which when you have flouted, And laught your fill at, you shall scorn her off, With all your disgraces trebled upon her, For there the pride of all her heart will bow, When you shall foot her from you, not she you.

_Sir Greg._ Good I'faith; I'll continue it, I'd fain laugh at the old fellow too, for he has abus'd me as scurvily as his Neece, my Knight-hood's upon the spur, we'll go to Bed, and then to Church as fast as we can.

[_Exit_ Sir Greg, _and_ Mirab.

_Clow._ I do wonder I do not hear of the Lady yet.

_Cun._ The good minute may come sooner than you are aware of, I do not think but 'twill e'r night yet, as near as 'tis.

_Clow._ Well, I will go walk by the New River, in that meditation, I am o'er shooes, I'm sure upon the drie bank, this gullery of my Master will keep me company this two hours too, if love were not an enemy to laughter, I should drive away the time well enough; you know my walk, Sir, if she sends, I shall be found angling, for I will try what I can catch for luck sake, I will fish fair for't,

Oh Knight, that thou shouldst be gull'd so; ha, ha, it does me good at heart,

But oh Lady, thou tak'st down my merry part. [_Exit._

_Enter_ Witty-pate.

_Witty._ Friend.

_Cun._ Here friend.

_Witty._ All's afoot, and will goe smooth away, The woman has conquer'd the women, they are gone, Which I have already complain'd to my Father, Suggesting that _Sir Gregory_ is fall'n off From his charge, for neglects and ill usage, And that he is most violently bent On _Gentries_ wife (whom I have call'd a widow) And that without most sudden prevention He will be married to her.

_Cun._ [Fool, all] this is wrong, This wings his pursuit, and will be before me; I am lost for ever.

_Witty._ No, stay, you shall not go But with my Father, on my wit let it lie, You shall appear a friendly assistant, To help in all affairs, and in execution Help your self only.

_Cun._ Would my belief Were strong in this assurance.

_Witty._ You shall credit it, And my wit shall be your slave, if it deceive you.

_Enter_ Old Knight.

My Father--

_Old K._ Oh Sir, you are well met, where's the Knight your friend?

_Cun._ Sir, I think your Son has told you.

_Witty._ Shall I stand to tell't agen? I tell you he loves, But not my Kinswoman, her base usage, And your slack performance which he accuses most Indeed, has turn'd the Knights heart upside down.

_Old K._ I'll curb her for't, can he be but recover'd, He shall have her, and she shall be dutiful, And love him as a Wife too.

_Witty._ With that condition, Sir, I dare recall him [were] he enter'd the Church, So much interest of love I assure in him.

_Old K._ Sir, it shall be no loss to you if you do.

_Witty._ I, but these are words still, will not the deeds Be wanting at the recovery, if it should be agen?

_O[l]d K._ Why here fool, I am provided, five hunder'd in earnest, Of the thousands in her Dower, but were they married once, I'd cut him short enough, that's my agreement.

_Witty._ I, now I perceive some purpose in you, Father.

_Old K._ But wherefore is she then stol'n out of doors to him?

_Witty._ To him? oh fie upon your error, she has another object, believe it, Sir.

_Old K._ I never could perceive it.

_Cun._ I did Sir, and to her shame I should speak it, To my own sorrow I saw it, dalliance, Nay, dotage with a very Clown, a Fool.

_Old K._ Wit and wantons? nothing else? nothing else? She love a fool? she'll sooner make a Fool Of a wise man.

_Cun._ I, my friend complains so, Sir _Gregory_ says flatly, she makes a fool of him, And these bold circumstances are approv'd: Favours have been sent by him, yet he ignorant Whither to carry 'em; they have been understood, And taken from him, certain, Sir, there is An unsuspected fellow lies conceal'd, What, or where e'er he is, these slight neglects Could not be of a Knight else.

_Old K._ Well Sir, you have promis'd (if we recover him Unmarried) to salve all these old bruises?

_Cun._ I'll do my best, Sir.

_Old K._ I shall thank you, costly Sir, and kindly too.

_Witty._ Will you talk away the time here, Sir, and come behind all your purposes?

_Old K._ Away good Sir.

_Witty._ Then stay a little, good Sir, for my advice, Why, Father are you broke? your wit beggar'd, Or are you at your wits end? or out of Love with wit? no trick of wit to surprize Those designs, but with open Hue and Cry, For all the world to talk on, this is strange, You were not wont to slubber a project so.

_Old K._ Can you help at a pinch now? shew your self My Son, go too, I leave this to your wit, Because I'll make a proof on't.

_Witty._ 'Tis thus then, I have had late intelligence, they are now Bucksom as _Bacchus_ Froes, revelling, dancing, Telling the Musicks numbers with their feet, Awaiting the meeting of p[re]monish'd friends, That's questionless, little dreading you, Now Sir, with a dexterous trick indeed, suddain And sufficient were well, to enter on um As something like the abstract of a Masque; What though few persons? if best for our purpose That commends the project.

_Old K._ This takes up time.

_Witty._ Not at all, I can presently furnish With loose disguises that shall fit that Scene.

_Old K._ Why what wants then?

_Witty._ Nothing but charge of Musick, That must be paid, you know.

_Old K._ That shall be my charges, I'll pay the Musick. What e'er it cost.

_Witty._ And that shall be all your charge, Now on, I like it, there will be wit in't Father.

[_Exit_ Old K. _and_ Witty.

_Cun._ I will neither distrust his wit nor friendship, Yet if his Master brain should be o'er-thrown My resolution now shall seize mine own. [_Exit._

_Enter_ Neece, _Lady_ Ruinous, Guardianess, Ruinous, Priscian, (_with instruments masqu'd_.)

_L. Rui._ Nay, let's have Musick, let that sweet breath at least Give us her airy welcome, 'twill be the best I fear this ruin'd receptacle will yield, But that most freely.

_Nee._ My welcome follows me, Else I am ill, come hither, you assure me Still Mr. _Cuningame_ will be here, and that it was His kind entreaty that wish'd me meet him.

_L. Ruin._ Else let me be that shame unto my Sex, That all belief may flie um.

_Nee._ Continue still The Knights name unto my Guardianess, She expects no other.

[_L]. Ruin._ He will, he will, assure you Lady, _Sir Gregory_ will be here, and suddainly This Musick fore-ran him, is't not so consorts?

_Ruin._ Yes Lady, he stays on some device to bring along Such a labour he was busie in, some witty device.

_Nee._ 'T[w]ill be long e'r he comes then, for wits a great Labour to him.

_Guard._ Well, well, you'll agree better one day.

_Nee._ Scarce two I think.

_Guard._ Such a mock-beggar suit of cloaths as led me Into the fools pair-of-Dice, with Dewze Ace, He that would make me Mistriss _Cun_, _Cun_, _Cunnie_, He's quite out of my mind, but I shall ne'er Forget him, while I have a hole in my head; Such a one I think would please you better, Though he did abuse you.

_Ruin._ Fye, speak well of him now, Your Neece has quitted him.

_Guard._ I hope she has, Else she loses me for ever; but for _Sir Gregory_. Would he were come, I shall ill answer this Unto your Uncle else.

_Nee._ You know 'tis his pleasure I should keep him company.

_Guard._ I, and should be your own If you did well too: Lord, I do wonder At the niceness of you Ladies now a days, They must have Husbands with so much wit forsooth. Worship and wealth were both wont to be In better request I'm sure, I cannot tell, But they get ne'er the wiser children that I see.

_La. Ruin._ La, la, la, la, Sol, this Musick breaths in vain; Methinks 'tis dull to let it move alone, Let's have a female motion, 'tis in private, And we'll grace't our selves, however it deserves.

_Nee._ What say you Guardianess?

_Guard._ 'Las I'm weary with the walk, My jaunting days are done.

_L. Ru._ Come, come, we'll fetch her in by course, or else She shall pay the Musick.

_Guard._ Nay, I'll have a little for my money then.

[_They Dance, a Cornet is winded._

_L. Ru._ Hark! upon my life the Knight; 'tis your friend, This was the warning-piece of his approach.

_Enter_ Old Knight, Witty-pate, Cunningame, _Masqu'd, and take them to Dance_.

_L. Ru._ Ha? no words but mum? well then, We shall need no counsel-keeping.

_Nee. Cuningam?_

_Cun._ Yes, fear nothing.

_Nee._ Fear? why do you tell me of it?

_Cun._ Your Uncles here.

_Nee._ Aye me.

_Cun._ Peace.

_Old K._ We have caught 'em.

_Witty._ Thank my wit Father.

_Guard._ Which is the Knight think you?

_Nee._ I know not, he will be found when he speaks, No Masque can disguise his tongue.

_Witty._ Are you charg'd?

_Old K._ Are you awake?

_Witty._ I'm answer'd in a question.

_Cun._ Next change we meet, we lose our hands no more.

_Nee._ Are you prepar'd to tye 'em?

_Cun._ Yes, You must go with me.

_Guard._ Whither Sir? not from my charge believe me.

_Cun._ She goes along.

_Nee._ Will you venture and my Uncle here?

_Cun._ His stay's prepar'd for.

_Guard._ 'Tis the Knight sure, I'll follow.

[_Exit_ Cun. Nee. Guard.

_Old K._ How now, the Musick tir'd before us?

_Ruin._ Yes Sir, we must be paid now.

_Witty._ Oh that's my charge, Father.

_Old K._ But stay, where are our wanton Ladies gone? Son, where are they?

_Witty._ Only chang'd the room in a change, that's all sure.

_Old K._ I'll make 'em all sure else, and then return to you.

_Ruin._ You must pay for your Musick first, Sir.

_Old K._ Must? are there musty Fidlers? are Beggars choosers now? Ha! why _Witty-pate_, Son, where am I?

_Witty._ You were dancing e'en now, in good measure, Sir, Is your health miscarried since? what ail you, Sir?

_Old K._ Death, I may be gull'd to my face, where's my Neece? What are you?

_L. Ru._ None of your Neece, Sir.

_Old K._ How now? have you loud instruments too? I'll hear No more, I thank you; what have I done to To bring these fears about me? Son, where am I?

_Witty._ Not where you should be, Sir, you [should] be paying For your Musick, and you are in a maze.

_Old K._ Oh, is't so, put up, put up, I pray you, Here's a crown for you.

_L. Ruin._ Pish, a crown?

_Ruin. Pris._ Ha, ha, ha, a crown?

_Old K._ Which way do you laugh? I have seen a crown Has made a Consort laugh heartily.

_Witty._ Father, To tell you truth, these are no ordinary Musicians, they expect a bounty Above their punctual desert.

_Old K._ A ---- on your Punks, and their deserts too. Am I not cheated all this while think you? Is not your pate in this?

_Witty._ If you be cheated, You are not to be indicted for your own goods, Here you trifle time to market your bounty And make it base, when it must needs be free For ought I can perceive.

_Old K._ Will you know the lowest price, Sir?

_Witty._ That I will Sir, with all my heart.

_Old K._ Unless I was discover'd, and they now fled Home agen for fear, I am absolutely beguil'd, That's the best can be hop'd for.

_Witty._ Faith 'tis somewhat too dear yet, Gentlemen.

_Ruin._ There's not a Denier to be bated, Sir.

_Old K._ Now Sir, how dear is it?

_Witty._ Bate but the t'other ten pound?

_Pris._ Not a Bawbee, Sir.

_Old K._ How? bate ten pound? what's the whole sum then?

_Witty._ Faith Sir, a hundred pound, with much adoe, I got fifty bated, and faith Father, to say truth, 'Tis reasonable for men of their fashion.

_Old K._ La, la, la, down, a hunder'd pound? la, la, la, You are a Consort of Thieves, are you not?

_Witty._ No Musicians, Sir, I told you before.

_Old K._ Fiddle faddle, is it not a robbery? a plain robbery.

_Witty._ No, no, no, by no means Father, you have receiv'd For your money, nay and that you cannot give back, 'Tis somewhat dear I confess, but who can help it? If they had been agreed with before-hand, 'Twas ill forgotten.

_Old [K]._ And how many shares have you in this? I see my force, Case up your instruments, I yield, here, as robb'd and Taken from me, I deliver it.

_Witty._ No Sir, you have perform'd your promise now, Which was, to pay the charge of Musick, that's all.

_Old K._ I have heard no Musick, I have receiv'd none, Sir, There's none to be found in me, nor about me.

_Witty._ Why Sir, here's witness against you, you have danc'd, And he that dances, acknowledges a receipt of Musick.

_Old K._ I denie that, Sir, look you, I can dance without Musick, do you see, Sir? and I can sing without it too; you are a Consort of Thieves, do you hear what I do?

_Witty._ Pray you take heed, Sir, if you do move the Musick agen, it may cost you as much more.

_Old K._ Hold, hold, I'll depart quietly, I need not bid you farewel, I think now, so long as that hundred [pound] lasts with you.

_Enter Guardianess._

Ha, ha, am I snapt i'faith?

_Guar._ Oh, Sir, _Perfidious_.

_Old K._ I, I, some howling another while, Musick's too damnable dear.

_Guard._ Oh Sir, my heart-strings are broke, if I can but live to tell you the tale, I care not, your Neece my charge is--

_Old K._ What, is she sick?

_Guard._ No, no Sir, she's lustily well married.

_Old K._ To whom?

_Guard._ Oh, to that cunning dissembler, _Cuningam_.

_Old K._ I'll hang the Priest, first, what was he?

_Guard._ Your kinsman, Sir, that has the _Welch_ Benefice.

_Old K._ I sav'd him from the Gallows to that end, good: is there any more?

_Guard._ And Sir _Gregory_ is married too.

_Old K._ To my Neece too, I hope, and then I may hang her.

_Guard._ No Sir, to my Neece, thank _Cupid_; and that's all that's likely to recover me, she's Lady _Fop_ now, and I am One of her Aunts, I thank my promotion.

_Enter_ Credulous, Cuningam, Neece, Sir Gregory, _and_ Mirabel.

_Cred._ I have perform'd your be[he]st, Sir.

_Old K._ What have you perform'd, Sir?