Part 3

Letters between friends are simply conversation; from an inferior to a superior they should have a tone of caution, at once concise and respectful. A letter of business is expressed in brief and precise terms, with details arranged in exact order. Letters of congratulation should be distinguished for choice language, to the exclusion of all expressions parasitical or common-place. As to the style which a son should employ in writing to his parents, there is no instructor but the heart. In every case and circumstance be truthful and earnest, and you may rest assured you will impress favorably, and accomplish your purpose a thousandfold better than if you used deceitful and false expressions.

The DIME LETTER WRITER will embody all that is necessary to enable the young person, or the novice, to write letters intelligibly, properly, and satisfactorily. It will contain besides models for hints, a complete directory to correct composition.

BALLS, EVENING-PARTIES, RECEPTIONS, ETC.

To deport oneself satisfactorily at the dance, it is necessary to understand much about the dances which may be introduced. It is a charming accomplishment to be a good dancer, and we shall not hesitate to advise all, male and female, to learn the Terpsichorean art, ere the days of youth are past. It is unnecessary to argue the _pros_ and _cons_ of the proprieties and moralities of the dance; we prefer to let each judge for him or herself on the debated question; but, that it is a real accomplishment, and a desirable one, to be familiar with the etiquette and technicalities of the ball or soiree, is our most firm conviction, and we therefore introduce such observations and rules here as should govern the occasions of balls, soirees, receptions, etc.

An invitation to a dance should be given at least a week beforehand. A lady sometimes requires time to prepare her toilet. The host of the house receives you; and after the usual compliments, which should be very brief, do not fail in polite recognitions to any lady in the company with whom you are acquainted. If you introduce a friend, make him acquainted with the names of the chief persons present; by this precaution you will often save him an indiscretion; and make him feel more at his ease. These ball-room introductions are _not_ regarded as introductions for a more extended acquaintance than for the evening. Should the parties afterward meet upon the street or elsewhere, let the gentleman be careful not to presume upon any recognition of the lady until _she_ has _first_ bowed. If she fails to extend this recognition, let the gentleman take no umbrage, for he has no real claim upon her acquaintance merely from a public ball-room introduction. An introduction at a _private_ soiree is another thing; there the relations of the parties introduced are the same as at any private party: they are _permanently_ introduced if at all.

If a gentleman escorts a lady to the dance, he is her cavalier for the evening; he must see that she is always provided with agreeable partners; that she always has a seat when required; has the necessary refreshments, etc. He must dance with her _first_ of all, and as often, during the evening, as is proper, considering the claims of others and the wishes of the lady.

Avoid seeking the same partner (other than your lady _en charge_) in the dance too often; you will excite remark, and will expose yourself to the charge of partiality or perhaps of coquetry. It is a graceful attention in a young man to select as partners those ladies whose want of personal attractions condemn them to the terrible punishment of being the "wall-flowers" of the evening. Such attentions will procure you a feeling of grateful regard, especially if you acquit yourself with tact and real kindness.

If a married lady is present, and dancing while her husband is in the room, a person desiring her for a partner should first _be sure_ that it is agreeable to the husband for him to offer his hand to the lady.

If a crowd is present, and a gentleman has occasion to make his way through a press of crinoline and drapery, he should proceed most carefully--haste would be very rude and inexcusable; the danger of soiling, or tearing, or disarranging a lady's costume forbids any gentleman making a careless step.

If it is necessary to step in front of a lady in passing, always apologize for the step; otherwise she may very properly think you do not know what belongs to good manners. A lady is always _pleased_ with an _apology_ if it is gracefully and kindly made; and no gentleman will ever suffer such an occasion to pass in silence, without he really designs an affront, or except he is absolutely ignorant of what is proper and respectful.

A good authority before us says:--In a quadrille, or other dance, while awaiting the music, or while unengaged, a lady and gentleman should avoid long conversations, as they are apt to interfere with the progress of the dance; while, on the other hand, a gentleman should not stand like an automaton, as though he were afraid of his partner, but endeavor to render himself agreeable by those "airy nothings" which amuse for the moment, and are in harmony with the occasion. You should, however, not only on such occasions, but invariably, avoid the use of _slang_ terms and phrases, they being, to the last degree, vulgar and objectionable. Indeed, one of the charms of conversation consists in the correct use of language. Dr. Johnson, whose reputation as a _talker_ was hardly less than that which he acquired as a writer, prided himself on the appositeness of his quotations, the choice of his words, and the correctness of his expressions. Had he lived in this "age of progress," he would have discovered that his Lexicon was not only incomplete, but required numerous emendations. We can fancy the irritable moralist endeavoring to comprehend the idea which a young lady wishes to convey, when she expresses the opinion that a bonnet is "_awful_," or a young gentleman of his coat, when he asserts that it is "_played out_!" If any one thing marks a person's "bringing up," it is the language used in company; and it may be set down as an almost invariable rule, that any one who uses _slang_ words, who talks loudly and rudely, who utters an oath, or who becomes angered and expresses it, is _no_ gentleman, and has not had good associations. For a _lady_ to be guilty of even one of these sins, is too palpably inexcusable to need remark.

The author quoted above, adds this excellent advice upon a very common ball-room sin, viz.: scandal and strictures upon a person's appearance, dress, etc. He says:--"There is a custom which is sometimes practiced both in the assembly-room and at private parties, which can not be too strongly reprehended,--we allude to the habit of ridicule and ungenerous criticism of those who are ungraceful, or otherwise obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in by the thoughtless, particularly among the dancers. Of its gross impropriety and vulgarity we need hardly express an opinion; but there is such an utter disregard for the feelings of others implied in this kind of negative censorship, that we can not forbear to warn our young readers to avoid it. The 'Koran' says: 'Do not mock--the mocked may be better than the mocker.' Those you condemn may not have had the same advantages as yourself in acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be infinitely superior in purity of heart and mental accomplishments. The advice of Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with society, to _do as you would be done by_, is founded on the Christian precept, and worthy of commendation. Imagine yourself the victim of others' ridicule, and you will cease to indulge in a pastime which only gains for you the hatred of those you satirize, if they chance to observe you, and the contempt of others who have noticed your violation of politeness, and abuse of true sociality."

Ladies will always be careful of their associates. At the public ball are occasionally to be found persons whose acquaintance it is not proper to make. The young female is ever the cynosure of all eyes, and can not comport herself too strictly, nor choose her partners too carefully. It is not best to be "prudish," but it is right and necessary to be cautious and discreet.

In walking up or down the room the lady should always be accompanied by a gentleman; it is quite improper to saunter around alone.

When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty to give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No matter how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offence at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after with some one else. A lady has a hundred motives for conduct which she can not explain; and for a gentleman to take offence at her simple declination to dance is very silly and unmanly.

During the act of dancing all parties should have on their summer looks. Dancing is rightly supposed to be an _enjoyment_, but the somber countenances of some who engage in it, might almost lead to the belief that it were a solemn duty being performed. If, says a shrewd observer, those who laugh in church would transfer their merriment to the assembly-room, and those who are sad in the assembly-room would carry their gravity to the church, they both might discover the appositeness of Solomon's declaration, that "there is a time to be merry and a time to be sad."

It should ever be the study of both sexes to render themselves agreeable. Gentlemen, as we have said, should avoid showing _marked_ preference to particular ladies, by devoting their undivided attentions to them, or dancing exclusively with them. Too often, the "belle of the evening," with no other charms than beauty of form and feature, monopolizes the regards of a circle of admirers, while modest merit, of less personal attraction, is both overlooked and neglected. We honor the generous conduct of those, particularly the "well-favored," who bestow their attentions on ladies who, from conscious lack of beauty, least expect them. The real man of sense will not fail to recognize most solicitously any lady who may seem neglected or unattended.

On the other hand, no lady, however numerous the solicitations of her admirers, should consent to dance repeatedly when, by so doing, she excludes other ladies from participating in the same amusement; still less, as we have hinted, should she dance exclusively with the same gentleman, to the disadvantage of others.

What has elsewhere been said in regard to dress and ornament will apply fully to the occasion of the dance. Let _simplicity_ be the guide, and not display. The lady tricked out in many jewels and ribbons looks too much like a moving advertisement to command respect for it. If ladies generally knew how deep an impression a pure style of dress makes upon the other sex, and realized how trifling a gaudy dress seems to the person of true taste, we surmise their vanity alone would impel to simpler attire, rather than to elaborate and costly display.

In regard to a gentleman's dress for the dance, we may add: white gloves, white vest, light colored cravat, dress-coat, black pants, and patent-leather gaiters, or light calf-skin boots well polished, constitute the proper ball-room or soiree costume. The much talked of "independence" of Americans, professes disdain of many of the requisitions of dress established by good usage in England and France. A _frock_-coat would not be tolerated a moment in any fashionable society in Europe. Whether it be esteemed a prejudice or otherwise, we are free to confess that, in our own opinion, the frock-coat is a violation of good taste, as unsuited either to a ball-room or private assembly. The ordinary dress-coat, which is in no respect in the way, and which leaves the limbs perfectly free to move gracefully, is the only proper coat for the party and dance.

When a lady has accepted refreshment, her attending gentleman should hasten to relieve her of her glass or plate; and, as her cavalier, should see that all her wants and wishes have been complied with. The refreshments over, the gentleman should offer his arm and gallant the lady to her seat in the ball-room; or, if she wishes to retire to the dress-room, he should gallant her to the door, and there await her coming out to convey her to the dancing-floor again. The ladies dressing-room, it is unnecessary to say, is a sacred precinct into which no man should ever presume to look; to go into it would be an outrage which none could overlook or forgive.

When the hour comes for retiring home, be sure to be ready for the lady whom you have accompanied to the dance; your obligations are not discharged until she is again, under your own eyes, seen safely at her own door. If you have come to the room unattended, select, during the latter part of the evening, some lady who, it may seem, will be glad of your company home; offer her your services and, if she signifies assent, be careful to be ready at her call. Await at the door of the dressing-room for her, and offering your arm do the gallant kindly but not ostentatiously nor too officiously. Leave her at her own door, after the bell has been answered, and not until then.

In leaving an evening-party it is unnecessary to seek the master of the house. Your farewell will be dispensed with; you should leave without disturbing any one to occasion remark. This rule is often misunderstood, but it should not be.

CARDS, CHESS, ETC.

It is well at a ball, to have a table for cards and men for chess: for all the guests are not dancers, and it is the duty of a host to see that _all_ enjoy themselves. It is customary for partners to bow slightly to each other before beginning a game of cards or chess. When a game of cards is ended, and the "shuffle" is your partner's, the cards should be arranged and handed to the lady whose turn it is to deal them.

To discuss the rules of play is ungenteel. In a quiet party the tact and cordiality of the entertainers should put all the guests at their ease.

The choice of the guests is not one of the least difficult points. At the house of a political man, there should be an effort to unite all shades of opinion. From parties of any kind, a man known for his gratuitous rudeness, or for the impropriety of his witticism, will be excluded by all who are desirous of maintaining the proprieties of social intercourse. Opposing politicians, editors, lawyers, and ministers should _never_ carry their _professional_ feelings into the parlor, nor, by any expression, mar the good-humor of an evening.

It is improper to express your opinion loudly in company, or to remain long at the card-table when you are young and known to be a good dancer.

It is a delicate attention to stand behind a lady at the piano and turn over the leaves of her music-book, and after the music to gallant her to her seat. After the dance, a gentleman must not omit to conduct his partner to her seat; and in so doing, a well-turned compliment will not be out of place.

We have noted the impropriety of a young man's remaining long at the chess or the card table, when the ladies are in want of a partner in the adjoining room. At the same time, a gentleman should be acquainted with one or more games, as it is polite to play with the host or his guests, if you are invited to do so.

Some persons, in playing cards, show an effort to conceal their hand; this is ill-bred. If it be a pleasure to spectators to watch the game, why should you object to it? Even if it be disagreeable to you to be overlooked, you should not let it appear.

You will sometimes see one partner reproach another sharply for unskillful play; thus convicting himself of being more unskilled in the science of good-breeding.

The man who utters noisy complaints about his luck, or manifests unseemly joy at winning a game, raising his voice to a high key on all occasions, is so ignorant as to be unworthy of admission into a drawing-room.

In playing chess, avoid the other extreme of being too silent and abstracted, for such conduct is only fit for the study.

Use a cheerful air, and make others feel your geniality, if you would win hearts as well as games.

ENTERTAINMENTS, DINNER-PARTIES, ETC.

"To give an invitation," says a brilliant writer, "is to take the responsibility of your guest's happiness during the time he is under your roof." This is an ambitious view of the subject; we will alter it thus: "To invite a man, is to undertake to do all in your power to make him feel satisfied with the pleasure you offer him." In order to do which, it is essential to know the tastes of your guests. To invite two persons at enmity with each other, to an entertainment, is a blunder; it is unpardonable to bring such together in a small party, unless, indeed, the way to reconciliation lies open; and even in this case there is an awkwardness in the presence of enemies, which will not fail to render their presence unpleasant to others.

"The pleasures of the table," says the author of the "Physiology of Taste," "belong to all ages, to all ranks, to all countries; they may be enjoyed with all other pleasures, and remain the longest to console us for their loss." That this enjoyment may be undisturbed, take care that nothing occurs to chagrin any of the guests; if, therefore, the conversation falls upon a subject disagreeable to any one present, good-breeding requires that the host should skillfully turn it upon another topic.

An invitation to dinner should be given at least two days beforehand, except in extraordinary cases. From an inferior to a superior, it should be made in person.

In ceremonious dinners, the place of each guest is assigned beforehand; you thus avoid putting several ladies together. Each one should have a gentleman next her.

The host offers his arm to the lady deserving of most consideration. Young people should yield to those more advanced in years. Do not forget, in passing the threshold of a door, to _precede_ the lady who leans on your arm. This is an exception to the general rule; in every other case, the gentleman should retire a step, to allow the lady to pass.

Before passing into the dining-room, each gentleman offers his _left_ arm to a lady, and conducts her to table.

Beware of arriving too early or too late: in either case there is an awkwardness--in the former you inconvenience your host; in the latter, his guests.

Once at table, you should not lose sight of the plate or glass of your fair neighbor, showing yourself attentive, without affectation or over-officiousness.

Meat should be cut only according as it is carried to the mouth. To cut up a plateful is the very height of greediness and ill-breeding.

Bread is broken as it is wanted; after soup, which is served out by the host, the spoon remains on the plate, as it will not be used again.

Where wine is used, three glasses are usually laid down to each guest at dinner: one for ordinary wines; another of smaller size for claret; the third to receive the sparkling foam of the champagne. In drinking you should say to your neighbor, "Sir, may I offer you?" and not employ the ungenteel phrase, "Will you take?" as if you were at the bar of some ordinary drinking-saloon.

If the dish that you desire be too far from your neighbor, do not ask another guest; the servant will attend your orders.

The noise of the knife and plate should be heard as little as possible; rapidity in eating is also ill-bred.

A knowledge of carving is indispensable to all men who would act the host with grace and propriety.

Do not assist yourself to any dish where servants stand ready to supply you.

Some persons use their bread at dinner to dry up their plates; this is intolerable beyond the family circle, and even there is rather childish.

Parents should be careful to save their children from awkwardness in company, either in treading on a lady's dress, or using the knife in eating; or worse still, their fingers.

Never take any thing out of your pocket to lay on the table.

The napkin should rest on the knees, only half unfolded. The fork is never to be laid on its back.

The host has the knives changed for dessert.

The knife and fork, and the table utensils generally should never be handed endways, but should be held by the middle.

Coffee is generally served after passing into the drawing room. The lady of the house fills it out if it be after dinner; after breakfast this office may be left to a servant.

The hostess should not seek to outvie her guests in the costliness of her toilet. This would be in bad taste.

In England, it is the custom for ladies to retire a little before the close of the meal. American ladies are not disposed to admire this habit, and we are too gallant and too anxious to enjoy the charm of their conversation, to subject them to this mode of banishment.

The lady of the house should show the same solicitude for all her guests, and take care that they want for nothing.

In some houses, a custom has been adopted, which appears to us vulgar, viz: the gentlemen retire from the company for a short time _to smoke_; on their return to the ladies, their clothes and breath exhale the disagreeable perfume. There are few well-bred women to whom tobacco is not extremely offensive.

The host rises to leave the table; you must remember not to fold your napkin, as is usual in the family, where the same napkin serves you several times. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and conducts her back to the drawing-room.

The Romans knew how to enhance, by enjoyments unknown to us, the pleasures of the table; and the Greeks threw more poetry into their festivals than our somewhat prosaic eaters. At the banquets of Greece, the sculptured cups were crowned with roses; singers and musicians enlivened the close of the repast; and the wit of the professed jester contributed to the entertainment of the guests.

The table and side-board and mantels will always look more inviting when dressed tastefully in flowers. A sweet bouquet before each lady is a personal compliment which it is easy to bestow, and one which can not fail to please the guests.

ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET.

Good behavior upon the street, or public promenade, marks the gentleman most effectually; rudeness, incivility, disregard of "what the world says," marks the person of low breeding. We always know, in walking a square with a man, if he is a gentleman or not. A real gentility never does the following things on the street, in presence of observers:--

Never picks the teeth, nor scratches the head.

Never swears or talks uproariously.

Never picks the nose with the finger.

Never smokes, or spits upon the walk, to the exceeding annoyance of those who are always disgusted with tobacco in any shape.

Never stares at any one, man or woman, in a marked manner.

Never scans a lady's dress impertinently, and makes no rude remarks about her.

Never crowds before promenaders in a rough or hurried way.

Never jostles a lady or gentleman without an "excuse me."

Never treads upon a lady's dress without begging pardon.

Never loses temper, nor attracts attention by excited conversation.

Never dresses in an odd or singular manner, so as to create remark.

Never fails to raise his hat politely to a lady acquaintance; nor to a male friend who may be walking with a lady--it is a courtesy to the lady.