SCENE III.--_Another part of the Fair.

URSULA'S Booth as before.

_KNOCKEM, WHIT, NORTHERN, PUPPY, CUTTING, WASPE, and MRS. OVERDO, discovered, all in a state of intoxication._

KNOCK. Whit, bid Val. Cutting continue the vapours for a lift, Whit, for a lift. [_Aside, to Whit._

NOR. I'll ne mare, I'll ne mare; the eale's too meeghty.

KNOCK. How now! my galloway nag the staggers, ha! Whit, give him a slit in the forehead. Chear up, man; a needle and thread to stitch his ears. I'd cure him now, an I had it, with a little butter and garlick, long pepper and grains. Where's my horn? I'll give him a mash presently, shall take away this dizziness.

PUP. Why, where are you, zurs? do you vlinch, and leave us in the zuds now?

NOR. I'll ne mare, I is e'en as vull as a paiper's bag, by my troth, I.

PUP. Do my northern cloth zhrink i' the wetting, ha?

KNOCK. Why, well said, old flea-bitten; thou'lt never tire I see.

[_They fall to their vapours again._

CUT. No, sir, but he may tire if it please him.

WHIT. Who told dee sho, that he vuld never teer, man?

CUT. No matter who told him so, so long as he knows.

KNOCK. Nay, I know nothing, sir, pardon me there.

_Enter behind, EDGWORTH with QUARLOUS._

EDG. They are at it still, sir; this they call vapours.

WHIT. He shall not pardon dee, captain: dou shalt not be pardoned. Pre'dee, shweet-heart, do not pardon him.

CUT. 'Slight, I'll pardon him, an I list, whosoever says nay to't.

QUAR. Where's Numps? I miss him.

WASPE. Why, I say nay to't.

QUAR. O, there he is.

KNOCK. To what do you say nay, sir?

[_Here they continue their game of vapours, which is nonsense. Every man to oppose the last man that spoke, whether it concern'd him, or no._

WASPE. To any thing, whatsoever it is, so long as I do not like it.

WHIT. Pardon me, little man, dou musht like it a little.

CUT. No, he must not like it at all, sir: there you are i' the wrong.

WHIT. I tink I bee; he musht not like it indeed.

CUT. Nay, then he both must and will like it, sir, for all you.

KNOCK. If he have reason, he may like it, sir.

WHIT. By no meensh, captain, upon reason, he may like nothing upon reason.

WASPE. I have no reason, nor I will hear of no reason, nor I will look for no reason, and he is an ass that either knows any, or looks for't from me.

CUT. Yes, in some sense you may have reason, sir.

WASPE. Ay, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.

WHIT. Pardon me, thou ougsht to grant him nothing in no shensh, if dou do love dyshelf, angry man.

WASPE. Why then, I do grant him nothing; and I have no sense.

CUT. 'Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.

WASPE. 'Slid, but I have sense, now I think on't better, and I will grant him any thing, do you see.

KNOCK. He is in the right, and does utter a sufficient vapour.

CUT. Nay, it is no sufficient vapour neither, I deny that.

KNOCK. Then it is a sweet vapour.

CUT. It may be a sweet vapour.

WASPE. Nay, it is no sweet vapour neither, sir, it stinks, and I'll stand to it.

WHIT. Yes, I tink it dosh shtink, captain: all vapour dosh shtink.

WASPE. Nay, then it does not stink, sir, and it shall not stink.

CUT. By your leave it may, sir.

WASPE. Ay, by my leave it may stink, I know that.

WHIT. Pardon me, thou knowesht nothing, it cannot by thy leave, angry man.

WASPE. How can it not?

KNOCK. Nay, never question him, for he is in the right.

WHIT. Yesh, I am in de right, I confesh it, so ish de little man too.

WASPE. I'll have nothing confest that concerns me. I am not in the right, nor never was in the right, nor never will be in the right, while I am in my right mind.

CUT. Mind! why, here's no man minds you, sir, nor any thing else.

[_They drink again._

PUP. Vriend, will you mind this that we do?

[_Offering Northern the cup._

QUAR. Call you this vapours! this is such belching of quarrel as I never heard. Will you mind your business, sir?

EDG. You shall see, sir.

[_Goes up to Waspe._

NOR. I'll ne mare, my waimb warkes too mickle with this auready.

EDG. Will you take that, master Waspe, that nobody should mind you?

WASPE. Why, what have you to do? is't any matter to you?

EDG. No, but methinks you should not be unminded, though.

WASPE. Nor I wu' not be, now I think on't. Do you hear, new acquaintance? does no man mind me, say you?

CUT. Yes, sir, every man here minds you, but how?

WASPE. Nay, I care as little how as you do; that was not my question.

WHIT. No, noting was ty question, tou art a learned man, and I am a valiant man, i'faith la, tou shalt speak for me, and I will fight for tee.

KNOCK. Fight for him, Whit! a gross vapour, he can fight for himself.

WASPE. It may be I can, but it may be I wu' not, how then?

CUT. Why then you may choose.

WASPE. Why, then I'll choose whether I choose or no.

KNOCK. I think you may, and 'tis true; and I allow it for a resolute vapour.

WASPE. Nay then, I do think you do not think, and it is no resolute vapour.

CUT. Yes, in some sort he may allow you.

KNOCK. In no sort, sir, pardon me, I can allow him nothing. You mistake the vapour.

WASPE. He mistakes nothing, sir, in no sort.

WHIT. Yes I pre dee now, let him mistake.

WASPE. A turd in your teeth, never pre dee me, for I will have nothing mistaken.

KNOCK. Turd! ha, turd? a noisome vapour: strike, Whit. [_Aside to Whit._

[_They fall together by the ears, while Edgworth steals the license out of the box, and exit._

MRS. OVER. Why, gentlemen, why, gentlemen, I charge you upon my authority, conserve the peace. In the king's name, and my husband's, put up your weapons, I shall be driven to commit you myself, else.

QUAR. Ha, ha, ha!

WASPE. Why do you laugh, sir?

QUAR. Sir, you'll allow me my christian liberty; I may laugh, I hope.

CUT. In some sort you may, and in some sort you may not, sir.

KNOCK. Nay, in some sort, sir, he may neither laugh nor hope in this company.

WASPE. Yes, then he may both laugh and hope in any sort, an't please him.

QUAR. Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me exceedingly.

WASPE. No exceedingly neither, sir.

KNOCK. No, that vapour is too lofty.

QUAR. Gentlemen, I do not play well at your game of vapours, I am not very good at it, but--

CUT. [_draws a circle on the ground._] Do you hear, sir? I would speak with you in circle.

QUAR. In circle, sir! what would you with me in circle?

CUT. Can you lend me a piece, a Jacobus, in circle?

QUAR. 'Slid, your circle will prove more costly than your vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none.

CUT. Your beard's not well turn'd up, sir.

QUAR. How, rascal! are you playing with my beard? I'll break circle with you.

[_They all draw and fight._

PUP. NOR. Gentlemen, gentlemen!

KNOCK. [_aside to Whit._] Gather up, Whit, gather up, Whit, good vapours.

[_Exit, while Whit takes up the swords, clokes, etc., and conceals them._

MRS. OVER. What mean you? are you rebels, gentlemen? shall I send out a serjeant at arms, or a writ of rebellion, against you? I'll commit you upon my woman-hood, for a riot, upon my justice-hood, if you persist.

[_Exeunt Quarlous and Cutting._

WASPE. Upon my justice-hood! marry shite o' your hood: you'll commit! spoke like a true justice of peace's wife indeed, and a fine female lawyer! turd in your teeth for a fee, now.

MRS. OVER. Why, Numps, in master Overdo's name, I charge you.

WASPE. Good mistress Underdo, hold your tongue.

MRS. OVER. Alas, poor Numps!

WASPE. Alas! and why _alas_ from you, I beseech you? or why _poor_ Numps, goody Rich? Am I come to be pitied by your tuft-taffata now? Why, mistress, I knew Adam the clerk, your husband, when he was Adam Scrivener, and writ for two-pence a sheet, as high as he bears his head now, or you your hood, dame.--

_Enter BRISTLE and other Watchmen._

What are you, sir?

BRI. We be men, and no infidels; what is the matter here, and the noises, can you tell?

WASPE. Heart, what ha' you to do? cannot a man quarrel in quietness, but he must be put out on't by you! what are you?

BRI. Why, we be his majesty's watch, sir.

WASPE. Watch! 'sblood, you are a sweet watch indeed. A body would think, an you watch'd well a nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a day. Get you to your fleas and your flock-beds, you rogues, your kennels, and lie down close.

BRI. Down! yes, we will down, I warrant you: down with him, in his majesty's name, down, down with him, and carry him away to the pigeon-holes.

[_Some of the Watch seize Waspe, and carry him off._

MRS. OVER. I thank you, honest friends, in the behalf o' the crown, and the peace, and in master Overdo's name, for suppressing enormities.

WHIT. Stay, Bristle, here ish anoder brash of drunkards, but very quiet, special drunkards, will pay de five shillings very well. [_Points to Northern and Puppy, drunk, and asleep, on the bench._] Take 'em to de, in de graish o' God: one of hem do's change cloth for ale in the Fair, here; te toder ish a strong man, a mighty man, my lord mayor's man, and a wrastler. He has wrashled so long with the bottle here, that the man with the beard hash almosht streek up hish heelsh.

BRI. 'Slid, the clerk o' the market has been to cry him all the Fair over here, for my lord's service.

WHIT. Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh, and make ty best on him. [_Exeunt Bristle and the rest of the Watch with Northern and Puppy._]--How now, woman o' shilk, vat ailsh ty shweet faish? art tou melancholy?

MRS. OVER. A little distempered with these enormities. Shall I entreat a courtesy of you, captain?

WHIT. Entreat a hundred, velvet voman, I vill do it, shpeak out.

MRS. OVER. I cannot with modesty speak it out, but--

[_Whispers him._

WHIT. I vill do it, and more and more, for de. What Ursla, an't be bitch, an't be bawd, an't be!

_Enter URSULA._

URS. How now, rascal! what roar you for, old pimp?

WHIT. Here, put up de clokes, Ursh; de purchase. Pre de now, shweet Ursh, help dis good brave voman to a jordan, an't be.

URS. 'Slid call your captain Jordan to her, can you not?

WHIT. Nay, pre de leave dy consheits, and bring the velvet woman to de--

URS. I bring her! hang her: heart, must I find a common pot for every punk in your purlieus?

WHIT. O good voordsh, Ursh, it ish a guest o' velvet, i'fait la.

URS. Let her sell her hood, and buy a spunge, with a pox to her! my vessel is employed, sir. I have but one, and 'tis the bottom of an old bottle. An honest proctor and his wife are at it within; if she'll stay her time, so.

[_Exit._

WHIT. As soon as tou cansht, shweet Ursh. Of a valiant man I tink I am te patientsh man i' the world, or in all Smithfield.

_Re-enter KNOCKEM._

KNOCK. How now, Whit! close vapours, stealing your leaps! covering in corners, ha!

WHIT. No, fait, captain, dough tou beesht a vishe man, dy vit is a mile hence now. I vas procuring a shmall courtesie for a woman of fashion here.

MRS. OVER. Yes, captain, though I am a justice of peace's wife, I do love men of war, and the sons of the sword, when they come before my husband.

KNOCK. Say'st thou so, filly? thou shalt have a leap presently, I'll horse thee myself, else.

URS. [_within._] Come, will you bring her in now, and let her take her turn?

WHIT. Gramercy, good Ursh, I tank de.

MRS. OVER. Master Overdo shall thank her.

[_Exit._

_Re-enter URSULA, followed by LITTLEWIT, and MRS. LITTLEWIT._

LIT. Good ga'mere Urse, Win and I are exceedingly beholden to you, and to captain Jordan, and captain Whit.--Win, I'll be bold to leave you, in this good company, Win; for half an hour or so, Win; while I go and see how my matter goes forward, and if the puppets be perfect; and then I'll come and fetch you, Win.

MRS. LIT. Will you leave me alone with two men, John?

LIT. Ay, they are honest gentlemen, Win, captain Jordan and captain Whit; they'll use you very civilly, Win. God be wi' you, Win.

[_Exit._

URS. What, is her husband gone?

KNOCK. On his false gallop, Urse, away.

URS. An you be right Bartholomew birds, now show yourselves so: we are undone for want of fowl in the Fair, here. Here will be Zekiel Edgworth, and three or four gallants with him at night, and I have neither plover nor quail for them: persuade this between you two, to become a bird o' the game, while I work the velvet woman within, as you call her.

KNOCK. I conceive thee, Urse: go thy ways. [_Exit Ursula._]--Dost thou hear, Whit? is't not pity, my delicate dark chestnut here, with the fine lean head, large forehead, round eyes, even mouth, sharp ears, long neck, thin crest, close withers, plain back, deep sides, short fillets, and full flanks; with a round belly, a plump buttock, large thighs, knit knees, strait legs, short pasterns, smooth hoofs, and short heels, should lead a dull honest woman's life, that might live the life of a lady?

WHIT. Yes, by my fait and trot it is, captain; de honest woman's life is a scurvy dull life indeed, la.

MRS. LIT. How, sir, is an honest woman's life a scurvy life?

WHIT. Yes fait, shweet-heart, believe him, de leef of a bond-woman! but if dou vilt hearken to me, I vill make tee a free woman and a lady; dou shalt live like a lady, as te captain saish.

KNOCK. Ay, and be honest too sometimes; have her wires and her tires, her green gowns and velvet petticoats.

WHIT. Ay, and ride to Ware and Rumford in dy coash, shee de players, be in love vit 'em: sup vit gallantsh, be drunk, and cost de noting.

KNOCK. Brave vapours!

WHIT. And lie by twenty on 'em, if dou pleash, shweet-heart.

MRS. LIT. What, and be honest still! that were fine sport.

WHIT. Tish common, shweet-heart, tou may'st do it by my hand: it shall be justified to thy husband's faish, now: tou shalt be as honesht as the skin between his hornsh, la.

KNOCK. Yes, and wear a dressing, top and top-gallant, to compare with e'er a husband on 'em all, for a foretop: it is the vapour of spirit in the wife to cuckold now a days, as it is the vapour of fashion in the husband not to suspect. Your prying cat-eyed citizen is an abominable vapour.

MRS. LIT. Lord, what a fool have I been!

WHIT. Mend then, and do every ting like a lady hereafter; never know ty husband from another man.

KNOCK. Nor any one man from another, but in the dark.

WHIT. Ay, and then it ish no disgrash to know any man.

URS. [_within._] Help, help here!

KNOCK. How now? what vapour's there?

_Re-enter URSULA._

URS. O, you are a sweet ranger, and look well to your walks! Yonder is your punk of Turnbull, ramping Alice, has fallen upon the poor gentlewoman within, and pull'd her hood over her ears, and her hair through it.

_Enter ALICE, beating and driving in MRS. OVERDO._

MRS. OVER. Help, help, in the king's name!

ALICE. A mischief on you, they are such as you are that undo us and take our trade from us, with your tuft-taffata haunches.

KNOCK. How now, Alice!

ALICE. The poor common whores can have no traffic for the privy rich ones; your caps and hoods of velvet call away our customers, and lick the fat from us.

URS. Peace, you foul ramping jade, you--

ALICE. Od's foot, you bawd in grease, are you talking?

KNOCK. Why, Alice, I say.

ALICE. Thou sow of Smithfield, thou!

URS. Thou tripe of Turnbull!

KNOCK. Cat-a-mountain vapours, ha!

URS. You know where you were taw'd lately; both lash'd and slash'd you were in Bridewell.

ALICE. Ay, by the same token you rid that week, and broke out the bottom of the cart, night-tub.

KNOCK. Why, lion face, ha! do you know who I am? shall I tear ruff, slit waistcoat, make rags of petticoat, ha! go to, vanish for fear of vapours. Whit, a kick, Whit, in the parting vapour. [_They kick out Alice._] Come, brave woman, take a good heart, thou shalt be a lady too.

WHIT. Yes fait, dey shall all both be ladies, and write madam: I vill do't myself for dem. Do is the word, and D is the middle letter of madam, D D, put 'em together, and make deeds, without which all words are alike, la.

KNOCK. 'Tis true: Ursula, take them in, open thy wardrobe, and fit them to their calling. Green gowns, crimson petticoats, green women, my lord mayor's green women! guests o' the game, true bred. I'll provide you a coach to take the air in.

MRS. LIT. But do you think you can get one?

KNOCK. O, they are common as wheelbarrows where there are great dunghills. Every pettifogger's wife has 'em; for first he buys a coach that he may marry, and then he marries that he may be made cuckold in't: for if their wives ride not to their cuckolding, they do them no credit. [_Exeunt Ursula, Mrs. Littlewit, and Mrs. Overdo._]--_Hide, and be hidden, ride and be ridden,_ says the vapour of experience.

_Enter TROUBLEALL._

TRO. By what warrant does it say so?

KNOCK. Ha, mad child o' the Pie-poudres! art thou there? fill us a fresh can, Urse, we may drink together.

TRO. I may not drink without a warrant, captain.

KNOCK. 'Slood, thou'lt not stale without a warrant shortly. Whit, give me pen, ink, and paper, I'll draw him a warrant presently.

TRO. It must be justice Overdo's.

KNOCK. I know, man; fetch the drink, Whit.

WHIT. I pre dee now, be very brief, captain, for de new ladies stay for dee.

[_Exit, and re-enters with a can._

KNOCK. O, as brief as can be, here 'tis already. [_Gives Troubleall a paper._] Adam Overdo.

TRO. Why now I'll pledge you, captain.

KNOCK. Drink it off, I'll come to thee anon again.

[_Exeunt._