SCENE III.--_Another part of the Fair.
The Puppet-show Booth, as before.
_Enter SHARKWELL and FILCHER, with bills, and COKES in his doublet and hose, followed by the Boys of the Fair._
COKES. How now! what's here to do, friend? art thou the master of the monuments?
SHARK. 'Tis a motion, an't please your worship.
_Enter OVERDO behind._
OVER. My fantastical brother-in-law, master Bartholomew Cokes!
COKES. A motion! what's that! [_Reads._] _The ancient modern history of Hero and Leander, otherwise called the Touchstone of true Love, with as true a trial of friendship between Damon and Pythias, two faithful friends o' the Bank-side._--Pretty, i'faith, what's the meaning on't? is't an interlude, or what is't?
FILCH. Yes, sir, please you come near, we'll take your money within.
COKES. Back with these children; they do so follow me up and down!
_Enter LITTLEWIT._
LIT. By your leave, friend.
FILCH. You must pay, sir, an you go in.
LIT. Who, I! I perceive thou know'st not me; call the master of the motion.
SHARK. What, do you not know the author, fellow Filcher? You must take no money of him; he must come in gratis: master Littlewit is a voluntary; he is the author.
LIT. Peace, speak not too loud, I would not have any notice taken that I am the author, till we see how it passes.
COKES. Master Littlewit, how dost thou?
LIT. Master Cokes! you are exceeding well met: what, in your doublet and hose, without a cloke or a hat?
COKES. I would I might never stir, as I am an honest man, and by that fire; I have lost all in the Fair, and all my acquaintance too; didst thou meet any body that I know, master Littlewit? my man Numps, or my sister Overdo, or mistress Grace? Pray thee, master Littlewit, lend me some money to see the interlude here; I'll pay thee again, as I am a gentleman. If thou'lt but carry me home, I have money enough there.
LIT. O, sir, you shall command it; what, will a crown serve you?
COKES. I think it will; what do we pay for coming in, fellows?
FILCH. Two-pence, sir.
COKES. Two-pence! there's twelve-pence, friend: nay, I am a gallant, as simple as I look now; if you see me with my man about me, and my artillery again.
LIT. Your man was in the stocks e'en now, sir.
COKES. Who, Numps?
LIT. Yes, faith.
COKES. For what, i'faith? I am glad o' that; remember to tell me on't anon; I have enough now. What manner of matter is this, master Littlewit? what kind of actors have you? are they good actors?
LIT. Pretty youths, sir, all children both old and young; here's the master of 'em--
_Enter LEATHERHEAD._
LEATH. [_aside to Littlewit._] Call me not Leatherhead, but Lantern.
LIT. Master Lantern, that gives light to the business.
COKES. In good time, sir! I would fain see them, I would be glad to drink with the young company; which is the tiring-house?
LEATH. Troth, sir, our tiring-house is somewhat little; we are but beginners yet, pray pardon us; you cannot go upright in't.
COKES. No! not now my hat is off? what would you have done with me, if you had had me feather and all, as I was once to-day? Have you none of your pretty impudent boys now, to bring stools, fill tobacco, fetch ale, and beg money, as they have at other houses? Let me see some of your actors.
LIT. Shew him them, shew him them. Master Lantern, this is a gentleman that is a favourer of the quality.
[_Exit Leatherhead._
OVER. Ay, the favouring of this licentious quality is the consumption of many a young gentleman; a pernicious enormity. [_Aside._
_Re-enter LEATHERHEAD, with a basket._
COKES. What! do they live in baskets?
LEATH. They do lie in a basket, sir, they are o' the small players.
COKES. These be players minors indeed. Do you call these players?
LEATH. They are actors, sir, and as good as any, none dispraised, for dumb shows: indeed, I am the mouth of them all.
COKES. Thy mouth will hold them all. I think one tailor would go near to beat all this company with a hand bound behind him.
LIT. Ay, and eat them all too, an they were in cake-bread.
COKES. I thank you for that, master Littlewit; a good jest! Which is your Burbage now?
LEATH. What mean you by that, sir?
COKES. Your best actor, your Field?
LIT. Good, i'faith! you are even with me, sir.
LEATH. This is he, that acts young Leander, sir: he is extremely beloved of the womenkind, they do so affect his action, the green gamesters, that come here! and this is lovely Hero: this with the beard, Damon; and this pretty Pythias: this is the ghost of king Dionysius in the habit of a scrivener; as you shall see anon at large.
COKES. Well, they are a civil company, I like 'em for that; they offer not to fleer, nor jeer, nor break jests, as the great players do: and then, there goes not so much charge to the feasting of them, or making them drunk, as to the other, by reason of their littleness. Do they use to play perfect? are they never fluster'd?
LEATH. No, sir, I thank my industry and policy for it; they are as well govern'd a company, though I say it----And here is young Leander, is as proper an actor of his inches, and shakes his head like an hostler.
COKES. But do you play it according to the printed book? I have read that.
LEATH. By no means, sir.
COKES. No! how then?
LEATH. A better way, sir; that is too learned and poetical for our audience: what do they know what _Hellespont_ is, _guilty of true love's blood?_ or what _Abydos_ is? or _the other, Sestos hight?_
COKES. Thou art in the right; I do not know myself.
LEATH. No, I have entreated master Littlewit to take a little pains to reduce it to a more familiar strain for our people.
COKES. How, I pray thee, good master Littlewit?
LIT. It pleases him to make a matter of it, sir; but there is no such matter, I assure you: I have only made it a little easy, and modern for the times, sir, that's all. As for the Hellespont, I imagine our Thames here; and then Leander I make a dyer's son about Puddle-wharf: and Hero a wench o' the Bank-side, who going over one morning to Old Fish-street, Leander spies her land at Trig-stairs, and falls in love with her. Now do I introduce Cupid, having metamorphosed himself into a drawer, and he strikes Hero in love with a pint of sherry; and other pretty passages there are of the friendship, that will delight you, sir, and please you of judgment.
COKES. I'll be sworn they shall: I am in love with the actors already, and I'll be allied to them presently.--They respect gentlemen, these fellows:--Hero shall be my fairing: but which of my fairings?--let me see--i'faith, my fiddle; and Leander my fiddlestick: then Damon my drum, and Pythias my pipe, and the ghost of Dionysius my hobby-horse. All fitted.
_Enter WINWIFE and GRACE._
WINW. Look, yonder's your Cokes gotten in among his play-fellows; I thought we could not miss him at such a spectacle.
GRACE. Let him alone, he is so busy he will never spy us.
LEATH. Nay, good sir! [_To Cokes, who is handling the puppets._
COKES. I warrant thee I will not hurt her, fellow; what, dost thou think me uncivil? I pray thee be not jealous; I am toward a wife.
LIT. Well, good master Lantern, make ready to begin that I may fetch my wife; and look you be perfect, you undo me else, in my reputation.
LEATH. I warrant you, sir, do not you breed too great an expectation of it among your friends; that's the hurter of these things.
LIT. No, no, no.
[_Exit._
COKES. I'll stay here and see: pray thee let me see.
WINW. How diligent and troublesome he is!
GRACE. The place becomes him, methinks.
OVER. My ward, mistress Grace, in the company of a stranger! I doubt I shall be compell'd to discover myself before my time. [_Aside._
_Enter KNOCKEM, EDGWORTH, and MRS. LITTLEWIT, followed by WHIT supporting MRS. OVERDO, masked._
FILCH. Two-pence apiece, gentlemen, an excellent motion.
KNOCK. Shall we have fine fire-works, and good vapours?
SHARK. Yes, captain, and water-works too.
WHIT. I pree dee take care o' dy shmall lady there, Edgworth; I will look to dish tall lady myself.
LEATH. Welcome, gentlemen, welcome, gentlemen.
WHIT. Predee mashter o' the monshtersh, help a very sick lady here to a chair to shit in.
LEATH. Presently, sir.
[_A chair is brought in for Mrs. Overdo._
WHIT. Good fait now, Ursula's ale and acqua-vitæ ish to blame for't; shit down, shweet-heart, shit down and sleep a little.
EDG. [_to Mrs. Littlewit._] Madam, you are very welcome hither.
KNOCK. Yes, and you shall see very good vapours.
OVER. Here is my care come! I like to see him in so good company: and yet I wonder that persons of such fashion should resort hither. [_Aside._
EDG. There is a very private house, madam.
LEATH. Will it please your ladyship sit, madam?
MRS. LIT. Yes, goodman. They do so all-to-be-madam me, I think they think me a very lady.
EDG. What else, madam?
MRS. LIT. Must I put off my mask to him?
EDG. O, by no means.
MRS. LIT. How should my husband know me then?
KNOCK. Husband! an idle vapour; he must not know you, nor you him: there's the true vapour.
OVER. Yea! I will observe more of this. [_Aside._] Is this a lady, friend?
WHIT. Ay, and dat is anoder lady, shweet-heart; if dou hasht a mind to 'em, give me twelve-pence from tee, and dou shalt have eder oder on 'em.
OVER. Ay, this will prove my chiefest enormity: I will follow this. [_Aside._
EDG. Is not this a finer life, lady, than to be clogg'd with a husband?
MRS. LIT. Yes, a great deal. When will they begin, trow, in the name o' the motion?
EDG. By and by, madam; they stay but for company.
KNOCK. Do you hear, puppet-master, these are tedious vapours, when begin you?
LEATH. We stay but for master Littlewit, the author, who is gone for his wife: and we begin presently.
MRS. LIT. That's I, that's I.
EDG. That was you, lady; but now you are no such poor thing.
KNOCK. Hang the author's wife, a running vapour! here be ladies will stay for ne'er a Delia of them all.
WHIT. But hear me now, here ish one o' de ladish ashleep, stay till shee but vake, man.
_Enter WASPE._
WASPE. How now, friends! what's here to do?
FILCH. Two-pence apiece, sir, the best motion in the Fair.
WASPE. I believe you lie; if you do, I'll have my money again, and beat you.
MRS. LIT. Numps is come!
WASPE. Did you see a master of mine come in here, a tall young 'squire of Harrow o' the Hill, master Bartholomew Cokes?
FILCH. I think there be such a one within.
WASPE. Look he be, you were best: but it is very likely: I wonder I found him not at all the rest. I have been at the Eagle, and the Black Wolf, and the Bull with the five legs and two pizzles:--he was a calf at Uxbridge fair two years agone--and at the dogs that dance the morrice, and the hare of the Tabor; and mist him at all these! Sure this must needs be some fine sight that holds him so, if it have him.
COKES. Come, come, are you ready now?
LEATH. Presently, sir.
WASPE. Hoyday, he's at work in his doublet and hose! do you hear, sir, are you employ'd, that you are bare-headed and so busy?
COKES. Hold your peace, Numps; you have been in the stocks, I hear.
WASPE. Does he know that! nay, then the date of my authority is out; I must think no longer to reign, my government is at an end. He that will correct another must want fault in himself.
WINW. Sententious Numps! I never heard so much from him before.
LEATH. Sure master Littlewit will not come; please you take your place, sir; we'll begin.
COKES. I pray thee do, mine ears long to be at it, and my eyes too. O Numps, in the stocks, Numps! where's your sword, Numps!
WASPE. I pray you intend your game, sir, let me alone.
COKES. Well then, we are quit for all. Come, sit down, Numps; I'll interpret to thee: did you see mistress Grace? It's no matter, neither, now I think on't, tell me anon.
WINW. A great deal of love and care he expresses!
GRACE. Alas, would you have him to express more than he has? that were tyranny.
COKES. Peace, ho! now, now.
LEATH. _Gentles, that no longer your expectations may wander, Behold our chief actor, amorous Leander. With a great deal of cloth, lapp'd about him like a scarf, For he yet serves his father, a dyer at Puddle-wharf; Which place we'll make bold with, to call it our Abydus, As the Bank-side is our Sestos; and let it not be deny'd us. Now as he is beating to make the dye take the fuller, Who chances to come by, but fair Hero in a sculler; And seeing Leander's naked leg and goodly calf, Cast at him from the boat a sheep's eye and an half. Now she is landed, and the sculler come back, By and by you shall see what Leander doth lack._
PUP. LEAN. _Cole, Cole, old Cole!_
LEATH. _That is the sculler's name without controul._
PUP. LEAN. _Cole, Cole, I say, Cole!_
LEATH. _We do hear you._
PUP. LEAN. _Old Cole._
LEATH. _Old Cole! is the dyer turn'd collier? how do you sell?_
PUP. LEAN. _A pox o' your manners, kiss my hole here, and smell._
LEATH. _Kiss your hole and smell! there's manners indeed._
PUP. LEAN. _Why, Cole, I say, Cole!_
LEATH. _Is't the sculler you need?_
PUP. LEAN. _Ay, and be hanged._
LEATH. _Be hang'd! look you yonder. Old Cole, you must go hang with master Leander._
PUP. COLE. _Where is he?_
PUP. LEAN. _Here, Cole: what fairest of fairs, Was that fare that thou landedst but now at Trig-stairs?_
COKES. What was that, fellow? pray thee tell me, I scarce understand them.
LEATH. _Leander does ask, sir, what fairest of fairs, Was the fare he landed but now at Trig-stairs?_
PUP. COLE. _It is lovely Hero._
PUP. LEAN. _Nero?_
PUP. COLE. _No, Hero._
LEATH. _It is Hero Of the Bank-side, he saith, to tell you truth without erring, Is come over into Fish-street to eat some fresh herring. Leander says no more, but as fast as he can, Gets on all his best clothes, and will after to the Swan._
COKES. Most admirable good, is't not?
LEATH. _Stay, sculler._
PUP. COLE. _What say you?_
LEATH. _You must stay for Leander, And carry him to the wench._
PUP. COLE. _You rogue, I am no pander._
COKES. He says he is no pander. 'Tis a fine language: I understand it now.
LEATH. _Are you no pander, goodman Cole? here's no man says you are; You'll grow a hot cole, it seems; pray you stay for your fare._
PUP. COLE. _Will he come away?_
LEATH. _What do you say?_
PUP. COLE. _I'd have him come away._
LEATH. _Would you have Leander come away? why, pray, sir, stay. You are angry, goodman Cole; I believe the fair maid Came over with you a' trust: tell us, sculler, are you paid?_
PUP. COLE. _Yes, goodman Hogrubber of Pickthatch._
LEATH. _How, Hogrubber of Pickthatch?_
PUP. COLE. _Ay, Hogrubber of Pickthatch. Take you that._
[Strikes him over the pate.
LEATH. _O, my head!_
PUP. COLE. _Harm watch, harm catch!_
COKES. _Harm watch, harm catch_, he says; very good, i'faith: the sculler had like to have knock'd you, sirrah.
LEATH. Yes, but that his fare call'd him away.
PUP. LEAN. _Row apace, row apace, row, row, row, row, row._
LEATH. _You are knavishly loaden, sculler, take heed where you go._
PUP. COLE. _Knave in your face, goodman rogue._
PUP. LEAN. _Row, row, row, row, row._
COKES. He said, knave in your face, friend.
LEATH. Ay, sir, I heard him; but there's no talking to these watermen, they will have the last word.
COKES. Od's my life! I am not allied to the sculler yet; he shall be _Dauphin my boy._ But my fiddle-stick does fiddle in and out too much: I pray thee speak to him on't; tell him I would have him tarry in my sight more.
LEATH. I pray you be content; you'll have enough on him, sir. _Now, gentles, I take it, here is none of you so stupid, But that you have heard of a little god of love call'd Cupid; Who out of kindness to Leander, hearing he but saw her, This present day and hour doth turn himself to a drawer. And because he would have their first meeting to be merry, He strikes Hero in love to him with a pint of sherry; Which he tells her from amorous Leander is sent her, Who after him into the room of Hero doth venture._
[Puppet Leander goes into Mistress Hero's room.
PUP. JONAS. _A pint of sack, score a pint of sack in the Coney._
COKES. Sack! you said but e'en now it should be sherry.
PUP. JONAS. _Why, so it is; sherry, sherry, sherry._
COKES. _Sherry, sherry, sherry!_ By my troth he makes me merry. I must have a name for Cupid too. Let me see, thou might'st help me, now, an thou would'st, Numps, at a dead lift: but thou art dreaming of the stocks still.--Do not think on't, I have forgot it; 'tis but a nine days' wonder, man; let it not trouble thee.
WASPE. I would the stocks were about your neck, sir; condition I hung by the heels in them till the wonder were off from you, with all my heart.
COKES. Well said, resolute Numps! but hark you, friend, where's the friendship all this while between my drum Damon, and my pipe Pythias?
LEATH. You shall see by and by, sir.
COKES. You think my hobby-horse is forgotten too; no, I'll see them all enact before I go; I shall not know which to love best else.
KNOCK. This gallant has interrupting vapours, troublesome vapours; Whit, puff with him.
WHIT. No, I pree dee, captain, let him alone; he is a child, i'faith, la.
LEATH. _Now, gentles, to the friends, who in number are two, And lodged in that ale-house in which fair Hero does do. Damon, for some kindness done him the last week, Is come, fair Hero, in Fish-street, this morning to seek: Pythias does smell the knavery of the meeting, And now you shall see their true-friendly greeting._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _You whore-masterly slave, you._
COKES. Whore-masterly slave you! very friendly and familiar, that.
PUP. DAMON. _Whore-master in thy face, Thou hast lain with her thyself, I'll prove it in this place._
COKES. Damon says, Pythias has lain with her himself, he'll prove't in this place.
LEATH. _They are whore-masters both, sir, that's a plain case._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _You lie like a rogue._
LEATH. _Do I lie like a rogue?_
PUP. PYTHIAS. _A pimp and a scab._
LEATH. _A pimp and a scab. I say, between you, you have both but one drab._
PUP. DAMON. _You lie again._
LEATH. _Do I lie again?_
PUP. DAMON. _Like a rogue again._
LEATH. _Like a rogue again?_
PUP. PYTHIAS. _And you are a pimp again._
COKES. And you are a pimp again, he says.
PUP. DAMON. _And a scab again._
COKES. And a scab again, he says.
LEATH. _And I say again, you are both whore-masters, again. And you have both but one drab again._
PUP. DAMON AND PYTHIAS. _Dost thou, dost thou, dost thou?_
[They fall upon him.
LEATH. _What, both at once?_
PUP. PYTHIAS. _Down with him, Damon._
PUP. DAMON. _Pink his guts, Pythias._
LEATH. _What, so malicious? Will ye murder me, masters both, in my own house?_
COKES. Ho! well acted, my drum, well acted, my pipe, well acted still!
WASPE. Well acted, with all my heart.
LEATH. _Hold, hold your hands._
COKES. Ay, both your hands, for my sake! for you have both done well.
PUP. DAMON. _Gramercy, pure Pythias._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _Gramercy, dear Damon._
COKES. Gramercy to you both, my pipe and my drum.
PUP. PYTHIAS AND DAMON. _Come, now we'll together to breakfast to Hero._
LEATH. _'Tis well you can now go to breakfast to Hero. You have given me my breakfast, with a hone and honero._
COKES. How is't, friend, have they hurt thee?
LEATH. O no: Between you and I, sir, we do but make show.-- _Thus, gentles, you perceive, without any denial, 'Twixt Damon and Pythias here, friendship's true trial. Though hourly they quarrel thus, and roar each with other. They fight you no more than does brother with brother; But friendly together, at the next man they meet, They let fly their anger, as here you might see't._
COKES. Well, we have seen it, and thou hast felt it, whatsoe'er thou sayest. What's next, what's next?
LEATH. _This while young Leander with fair Hero is drinking, And Hero grown drunk to any man's thinking! Yet was it not three pints of sherry could flaw her, Till Cupid distinguished like Jonas the drawer, From under his apron, where his lechery lurks, Put love in her sack. Now mark how it works._
PUP. HERO. _O Leander, Leander, my dear, my dear Leander, I'll for ever be thy goose, so thou'lt be my gander._
COKES. Excellently well said, Fiddle, she'll ever be his goose, so he'll be her gander; was't not so?
LEATH. Yes, sir, but mark his answer now.
PUP. LEAN. _And sweetest of geese, before I go to bed, I'll swim over the Thames, my goose, thee to tread._
COKES. Brave! he will swim over the Thames, and tread his goose to-night, he says.
LEATH. Ay, peace, sir, they'll be angry if they hear you eavesdropping, now they are setting their match.
PUP. LEAN. _But lest the Thames should be dark, my goose, my dear friend, Let thy window be provided of a candle's end._
PUP. HERO. _Fear not, my gander, I protest I should handle My matters very ill, if I had not a whole candle._
PUP. LEAN. _Well then, look to't, and kiss me to boot._
LEATH. _Now here come the friends again, Pythias and Damon, And under their clokes they have of bacon a gammon._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _Drawer, fill some wine here._
LEATH. _How, some wine there! There's company already, sir, pray forbear._
PUP. DAMON. _'Tis Hero._
LEATH. _Yes, but she will not to be taken, After sack and fresh herring, with your Dunmow-bacon._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _You lie, it's Westfabian._
LEATH. _Westphalian_ you should say.
PUP. DAMON. _If you hold not your peace, you are a coxcomb, I would say._
[Leander and Hero kiss.
_What's here, what's here? kiss, kiss, upon kiss!_
LEATH. _Ay, wherefore should they not? what harm is in this? 'Tis mistress Hero._
PUP. DAMON. _Mistress Hero's a whore._
LEATH._ Is she a whore? keep you quiet, or, sir, knave, out of door._
PUP. DAMON. _Knave out of door?_
PUP. HERO. _Yes, knave out of door._
PUP. DAMON. _Whore out of door._
[They fall together by the ears.
PUP. HERO. _I say, knave out of door._
PUP. DAMON. _I say, whore out of door._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _Yea, so say I too._
PUP. HERO. _Kiss the whore o' the arse._
LEATH. _Now you have something to do: You must kiss her o' the arse, she says._
PUP. DAMON AND PYTHIAS. _So we will, so we will._
[They kick her.
PUP. HERO. _O my haunches, O my haunches, hold, hold._
LEATH. _Stand'st thou still! Leander, where, art thou? stand'st thou still like a sot, And not offer'st to break both their heads with a pot? See who's at thine elbow there! puppet Jonas and Cupid._
PUP. JONAS. _Upon 'em, Leander, be not so stupid._
PUP. LEAN. _You goat-bearded slave!_
PUP. DAMON. _You whore-master knave!_
[They fight.
PUP. LEAN. _Thou art a whore-master._
PUP. JONAS. _Whore-masters all._
LEATH. _See, Cupid with a word has tane up the brawl._
KNOCK. These be fine vapours!
COKES. By this good day, they fight bravely; do they not, Numps?
WASPE. Yes, they lack'd but you to be their second all this while.
LEATH. _This tragical encounter falling out thus to busy us, It raises up the ghost of their friend Dionysius; Not like a monarch, but the master of a school, In a scrivener's furr'd gown, which shews he is no fool: For therein he hath wit enough to keep himself warm. O Damon, he cries, and Pythias, what harm Hath poor Dionysius done you in his grave, That after his death you should fall out thus and rave, And call amorous Leander whore-master knave?_
PUP. DAMON. _I cannot, I will not, I promise you, endure it._
_RABBI BUSY rushes in._
BUSY. Down with Dagon! down with Dagon! 'tis I, I will no longer endure your profanations.
LEATH. What mean you, sir?
BUSY. I will remove Dagon there, I say, that idol, that heathenish idol, that remains, as I may say, a beam, a very beam,--not a beam of the sun, nor a beam of the moon, nor a beam of a balance, neither a house-beam, nor a weaver's beam, but a beam in the eye, in the eye of the brethren; a very great beam, an exceeding great beam; such as are your stage-players, rimers, and morrice-dancers, who have walked hand in hand, in contempt of the brethren, and the cause; and been born out by instruments of no mean countenance.
LEATH. Sir, I present nothing but what is licensed by authority.
BUSY. Thou art all license, even licentiousness itself, Shimei!
LEATH. I have the master of the revels' hand for't, sir.
BUSY. The master of the rebels' hand thou hast. Satan's! hold thy peace, thy scurrility, shut up thy mouth, thy profession is damnable, and in pleading for it thou dost plead for Baal. I have long opened my mouth wide, and gaped; I have gaped as the oyster for the tide, after thy destruction: but cannot compass it by suit or dispute; so that I look for a bickering, ere long, and then a battle.
KNOCK. Good Banbury vapours!
COKES. Friend, you'd have an ill match on't, if you bicker with him here; though he be no man of the fist, he has friends that will to cuffs for him. Numps, will not you take our side?
EDG. Sir, it shall not need; in my mind he offers him a fairer course, to end it by disputation: hast thou nothing to say for thyself, in defence of thy quality?
LEATH. Faith, sir, I am not well-studied in these controversies, between the hypocrites and us. But here's one of my motion, puppet Dionysius, shall undertake him, and I'll venture the cause on't.
COKES. Who, my hobby-horse! will he dispute with him?
LEATH. Yes, sir, and make a hobby-ass of him, I hope.
COKES. That's excellent! indeed he looks like the best scholar of them all. Come, sir, you must be as good as your word now.
BUSY. I will not fear to make my spirit and gifts known: assist me zeal, fill me, fill me, that is, make me full!
WINW. What a desperate, profane wretch is this! is there any ignorance or impudence like his, to call his zeal to fill him against a puppet?
QUAR. I know no fitter match than a puppet to commit with an hypocrite!
BUSY. First, I say unto thee, idol, thou hast no calling.
PUP. DION. _You lie, I am call'd Dionysius._
LEATH. The motion says, you lie, he is call'd Dionysius in the matter, and to that calling he answers.
BUSY. I mean no vocation, idol, no present lawful calling.
PUP. DION. _Is yours a lawful calling?_
LEATH. The motion asketh, if yours be a lawful calling.
BUSY. Yes, mine is of the spirit.
PUP. DION. _Then idol is a lawful calling._
LEATH. He says, then idol is a lawful calling; for you call'd him idol, and your calling is of the spirit.
COKES. Well disputed, hobby-horse.
BUSY. Take not part with the wicked, young gallant: he neigheth and hinnieth; all is but hinnying sophistry. I call him idol again; yet, I say, his calling, his profession is profane, it is profane, idol.
PUP. DION. _It is not profane._
LEATH. It is not profane, he says.
BUSY. It is profane.
PUP. DION. _It is not profane._
BUSY. It is profane.
PUP. DION. _It is not profane._
LEATH. Well said, confute him with _Not_, still. You cannot bear him down with your base noise, sir.
BUSY. Nor he me, with his treble creeking, though he creek like the chariot wheels of Satan; I am zealous for the cause--
LEATH. As a dog for a bone.
BUSY. And I say, it is profane, as being the page of Pride, and the waiting-woman of Vanity.
PUP. DION. _Yea! what say you to your tire-women, then?_
LEATH. Good.
PUP. DION. _Or feather-makers in the Friers, that are of your faction of faith? are not they with their perukes, and their puffs, their fans, and their huffs, as much pages of Pride, and waiters upon Vanity? What say you, what say you, what say you?_
BUSY. I will not answer for them.
PUP. DION. _Because you cannot, because you cannot. Is a bugle-maker a lawful calling? or the confect-makers? such you have there; or your French fashioner? you would have all the sin within yourselves, would you not, would you not?_
BUSY. No, Dagon.
PUP. DION. _What then, Dagonet? is a puppet worse than these?_
BUSY. Yes, and my main argument against you is, that you are an abomination; for the male, among you, putteth on the apparel of the female, and the female of the male.
PUP. DION. _You lie, you lie, you lie abominably._
COKES. Good, by my troth, he has given him the lie thrice.
PUP. DION. _It is your old stale argument against the players, but it will not hold against the puppets; for we have neither male nor female amongst us. And that thou may'st see, if thou wilt, like a malicious purblind zeal as thou art._
[Takes up his garment.
EDG. By my faith, there he has answer'd you, friend, a plain demonstration.
PUP. DION. _Nay, I'll prove, against e'er a Rabbin of them all, that my standing is as lawful as his; that I speak by inspiration, as well as he; that I have as little to do with learning as he; and do scorn her helps as much as he._
BUSY. I am confuted, the cause hath failed me.
PUP. DION. _Then be converted, be converted._
LEATH. Be converted, I pray you, and let the play go on!
BUSY. Let it go on; for I am changed, and will become a beholder with you.
COKES. That's brave, i'faith, thou hast carried it away, hobby-horse; on with the play.
OVER. [_discovering himself._] Stay, now do I forbid; I am Adam Overdo! sit still, I charge you.
COKES. What, my brother-in-law!
GRACE. My wise guardian!
EDG. Justice Overdo!
OVER. It is time to take enormity by the forehead, and brand it; for I have discovered enough.
_Enter QUARLOUS in TROUBLEALL'S clothes, as before, and DAME PURECRAFT._
QUAR. Nay, come, mistress bride; you must do as I do, now. You must be mad with me, in truth. I have here justice Overdo for it.
OVER. Peace, good Troubleall; come hither, and you shall trouble none. I will take the charge of you, and your friend too; you also, young man [_to Edgworth_] shall be my care; stand there.
EDG. Now, mercy upon me.
KNOCK. Would we were away, Whit, these are dangerous vapours; best fall off with our birds, for fear o' the cage.
[_They attempt to steal away._
OVER. Stay, is not my name your terror?
WHIT. Yesh fait, man, and it ish for tat we would be gone, man.
_Enter LITTLEWIT._
LIT. O, gentlemen! did you not see a wife of mine? I have lost my little wife, as I shall be trusted; my little pretty Win. I left her at the great woman's house in trust yonder, the pig-woman's, with captain Jordan, and captain Whit, very good men, and I cannot hear of her. Poor fool, I fear she's stepp'd aside. Mother, did you not see Win?
OVER. If this grave matron be your mother, sir, stand by her, _et digito compesce labellum;_ I may perhaps spring a wife for you anon. Brother Bartholomew, I am sadly sorry to see you so lightly given, and such a disciple of enormity, with your grave governor Humphrey: but stand you both there, in the middle place; I will reprehend you in your course. Mistress Grace, let me rescue you out of the hands of the stranger.
WINW. Pardon me, sir, I am a kinsman of hers.
OVER. Are you so! of what name, sir?
WINW. Winwife, sir.
OVER. Master Winwife! I hope you have won no wife of her, sir; if you have, I will examine the possibility of it, at fit leisure. Now, to my enormities: look upon me, O London! and see me, O Smithfield! the example of justice, and Mirrour of Magistrates; the true top of formality, and scourge of enormity. Hearken unto my labours, and but observe my discoveries; and compare Hercules with me, if thou dar'st, of old; or Columbus, Magellan, or our countryman Drake, of later times. Stand forth, you weeds of enormity, and spread. First, Rabbi Busy, thou superlunatical hypocrite;--[_to Leatherhead._] Next thou other extremity, thou profane professor of puppetry, little better than poetry:--[_to Whit._] Then thou strong debaucher and seducer of youth; witness this easy and honest young man, [_pointing to Edgworth._]--[_to Knockem._] Now, thou esquire of dames, madams, and twelve-penny ladies.--Now, my green madam herself of the price; let me unmask your ladyship.
[_Discovers Mrs. Littlewit._
LIT. O my wife, my wife, my wife!
OVER. Is she your wife? _Redde te Harpocratem!_
_Enter TROUBLEALL, with a dripping-pan, followed by URSULA and NIGHTINGALE._
TRO. By your leave, stand by, my masters, be uncover'd.
URS. O stay him, stay him, help to cry, Nightingale; my pan, my pan!
OVER. What's the matter?
NIGHT. He has stolen gammar Ursula's pan.
TRO. Yes, and I fear no man but justice Overdo.
OVER. Ursula! where is she? O the sow of enormity, this! welcome, stand you there; you, songster, there.
URS. An't please your worship, I am in no fault: a gentleman stripped him in my booth, and borrowed his gown, and his hat; and he ran away with my goods here for it.
OVER. [_to Quarlous._] Then this is the true madman, and you are the enormity!
QUAR. You are in the right: I am mad but from the gown outward.
OVER. Stand you there.
QUAR. Where you please, sir.
MRS. OVER. [_waking_] O, lend me a bason, I am sick, I am sick! where's master Overdo? Bridget, call hither my Adam.
OVER. How!
[_He is shamed and silenced._
WHIT. Dy very own wife, i'fait, worshipful Adam.
MRS. OVER. Will not my Adam come at me? shall I see him no more then?
QUAR. Sir, why do you not go on with the enormity? are you oppressed with it? I'll help you: hark you, sir, in your ear--Your innocent young man, you have ta'en such care of all this day, is a cut-purse, that hath got all your brother Cokes' things, and helped you to your beating and the stocks; if you have a mind to hang him now, and shew him your magistrate's wit, you may: but I should think it were better recovering the goods, and to save your estimation in him. I thank you, sir, for the gift of your ward, mistress Grace; look you, here is your hand and seal, by the way. Master Winwife, give you joy, you are _Palemon_, you are possessed of the gentlewoman, but she must pay me value, here's warrant for it. And, honest madman, there's thy gown and cap again; I thank thee for my wife. Nay, I can be mad, sweet-heart, [_to Mrs. Purecraft_] when I please still; never fear me; and careful Numps, where's he? I thank him for my license.
WASPE. How!
QUAR. 'Tis true, Numps.
WASPE. I'll be hang'd then.
QUAR. Look in your box, Numps.--Nay, sir, [_to Overdo._] stand not you fix'd here, like a stake in Finsbury, to be shot at, or the whipping-post in the Fair, but get your wife out o' the air, it will make her worse else; and remember you are but Adam, flesh and blood! you have your frailty, forget your other name of Overdo, and invite us all to supper. There you and I will compare our discoveries; and drown the memory of all enormity in your biggest bowl at home.
COKES. How now, Numps, have you lost it? I warrant 'twas when thou wert in the stocks: Why dost not speak!
WASPE. I will never speak while I live again, for aught I know.
OVER. Nay, Humphrey, if I be patient, you must be so too; this pleasant conceited gentleman hath wrought upon my judgment, and prevail'd: I pray you take care of your sick friend, mistress Alice, and my good friends all--
QUAR. And no _enormities._
OVER. I invite you home with me to my house to supper: I will have none fear to go along, for my intents are _ad correctionem, non ad destructionem; ad ædificandum, non ad diruendum_: so lead on.
COKES. Yes, and bring the actors along, we'll have the rest of the play at home.
[_Exeunt._
EPILOGUE.
_Your Majesty hath seen the play, and you Can best allow it from your ear and view. You know the scope of writers, and what store Of leave is given them, if they take not more, And turn it into license: you can tell If we have us'd that leave you gave us well; Or whether we to rage or license break, Or be profane, or make profane men speak: This is your power to judge, great sir, and not The envy of a few. Which if we have got, We value less what their dislike can bring, If it so happy be, t' have pleased the King._
Transcriber's Note
The text of this transcription is from the second volume of the "Everyman's Library" edition of Jonson's plays which was first published in 1910 by J.M. Dent in London. Images of a reprint of this edition are posted at:
archive.org/details/plays02jons
As a reference, a copy of the 1640 edition (i.e., the "Folio") made available by the University of California was also consulted. Images of this copy are posted at:
archive.org/details/workesofbenjamin00jons
Any transcription of a 1910 edition of a Jacobean text will run into some minor problems, and "Bartholomew Fair" poses its own special set of challenges. The goal of the Everyman's Library edition was to create a readable text, but editorial standards have changed since it was first published. Certain words from the Folio were censored. For example, "t--" is substituted for "turd". The Everyman's Library edition frequently spells out words that are contractions in the Folio, for example, substituting _in_ for _i'_ and _have_ for _ha'_. The Folio includes many stage directions, but there are inconsistencies, errors, and apparent omissions. As a corrective, the editor of the 1910 edition added more stage directions than more recent editors would. In the Folio, stage directions are printed in the margins to indicate that the action happens during the dialogue, and some lines are printed to the right of others to indicate simultaneous dialogue, for example, during Nightingale's song in Act III. The 1910 edition prints the text without columns or margins. Consequently some stage directions were changed, and the dialogue is printed sequentially, making it harder for the reader to get a sense of the stage action.
In general, this transcription retains the text of the Everyman's Library edition. Censored words have been restored, and a few errors have been corrected. Inconsistencies in the character titles have been corrected, and character names in stage directions have been spelled out. Following the Folio's conventions, the 1910 text italicizes text to set off songs or lines from the play within a play, though somewhat inconsistently. This use of italics has been made consistent. In the 1910 text, character titles preceding dialogue in a regular typeface are italicized, and character titles preceding the italicized text of songs or the play within the play are printed in a regular typeface. The html-based files of this transcription retain this use of contrasting regular and italicized typefaces. In the text version of this transcription, all character titles preceding dialogue and in stage directions for entrances are capitalized. The character titles of the puppets in Act V have been adjusted to help clarify which lines are part of the play within a play.
The following changes to the Everyman's Library text are noted:
- Cover: The cover has been edited from the original dust jacket.
- Title page: The 1910 text, which is part of an anthology of Jonson's plays, only has a title page for the collection. The text included in the title page for this etext is based on the text of the Folio's title page.
- p. 189: WASPE. Good master Hornet, t--in your teeth--Changed "t--in" to "turd in" as in the Folio.
- p. 189: and t--in your little wife's teeth too--Changed "t--in" to "turd in".
- p. 190: WASPE. Marry gip, goody She-justice, mistress Frenchhood! t--in your teeth, and t--in your Frenchhood's teeth too--Changed "t--in" to "turd in".
- p. 191: MRS. LIT. And I am, for the cosset his charge--Assigned this line to Winwife in keeping with the Folio.
- p. 192: OVER. You will not let him go, brother, and lose him?--For consistency, changed the character title "OVER." to "MRS. OVER."
- p. 193: GRA. Truly, I have no such fancy to the Fair--For consistency, changed the character title "GRA." to "GRACE."
- p. 195: For consistency with the rest of the text, changed the character title "BUS." to "BUSY."
- p. 197: The text of the song beginning with the line "Now the Fair's a filling!" has been italicized in keeping with the Folio and the convention elsewhere in the text of italicizing songs.
- p. 198-99: and a quarter of pound of colt's-foot mixt with it too, to [eke] it out.--The Everyman's Library edition substituted "[eke]" for "itch" in the Folio. The original word has been restored.
- p. 206: because he is an ass. and may be a-kin to the Cokeses?--Changed period after "ass" to a comma.
- p. 209: [_Beats Overdo._--Changed the stage direction to "[_They speak all together; and Waspe beats Overdo._" based on the stage direction in the Folio and deleted a second stage direction ("[_Beats Overdo again._"), which is not in the Folio. In the Folio, the dialogue is printed in two columns, with Cokes', Mrs. Overdo's, and most of Waspe's lines in one column, and Justice Overdo's line in the other. The stage direction is printed in the right margin.
- p. 209: _Enter VAL, WHIT, HAGGISE, and BRISTLE._--Deleted "VAL" from the list of characters entering. In the Folio, Jonson usually lists at the beginning of a scene who is to speak in that scene and often uses these lists to indicate an entrance. This character was not listed at the beginning of this scene in the Folio and has no lines.
- p. 210: HAD. Why, should the watch go by the clock--Corrected the character title abbreviation to "HAG." in keeping with the Folio.
- p. 214: in justice name, and the king's, and for the commonwealth.--Inserted "[_Exit._" at the end of Overdo's speech. On p. 217, a stage direction indicates that Overdo re-enters, but the Everyman's Library edition does not indicate his exit after his speech. The Folio implies he exits before Cokes, Mistress Overdo, and Grace enter.
- p. 215: nay, you have it, sir, an you be angry, t--in your teeth, twice;--Changed "t--in" to "turd in".
- p. 218: Look you, sister, here, here, [_he shews his purse boastingly_], let him come--Deleted the comma after the second "here" for consistency.
- p. 218: COKES. _So I heard them say!_--In keeping with the Folio, the text "So I heard them say!" is not italicized, and consequently the character title "Cokes" is italicized in the html-based files.
- p. 223: WINW. I'll look to you, in faith, gamester.--[_Aside._] An unfortunate foolish tribe--Reversed the order of the em dash and the stage direction to clarify that the first sentence is an aside.
- p. 224: _Enter MRS. PURECRAFT._--Changed "MRS." to "DAME" for consistency.
- p. 228: _Enter POCHER, and Officers with BUSY, followed by MRS. PURECRAFT._--Changed "MRS." to "DAME" for consistency.
- p. 234: After Knockem's line "To what do you say nay, sir?", inserted the stage direction from the Folio describing the game of vapors.
- p. 236: WASPE. A t-- in your teeth, never pre dee me, for I will have nothing mistaken.--Changed "t--" to "turd".
- p. 236: KNOCK. T--! ha, t--? a noisome vapour: strike, Whit.--Changed "T--" and "t--" to spell the word "turd."
- p. 237: marry s-- o' your hood--Changed "s--" to "shite" using the spelling in the Folio.
- p. 237: t-- in your teeth for a fee, now.--Changed "t--" to "turd".
- pp. 253-60: In keeping with the Folio, the character titles of the puppets have been changed so that "PUP." precedes the abbreviated name. For example, "LEAN." (short for "LEANDER") has been changed to "PUP. LEAN."
- p. 254: LEATH. _How, Hogrubber of Pickthatch._--In keeping with the Folio, changed the period at the end of the sentence to a question mark.
- p. 257: Italicized Leatherhead's speech beginning "How, some wine there!" for consistency in italicizing text that is part of the puppet show.
- p. 257: PUP. HERO. _Kiss the whore o' the a--._--Changed "_a--_" to "_arse_".
- p. 257: _You must kiss her o' the a--, she says._--Changed "_a--_" to "_arse_".
- p. 260: you also, young man [_to Edgeworth_] shall be my care; stand there.--Changed "_Edgeworth_" to "_Edgworth_" for consistency.
- p. 261: witness this easy and honest young man, [_pointing to Edge_]--[_to Knock._] Now, thou esquire of dames--Changed "_Edge_" to "_Edgworth._" and "_Knock_" to "_Knockem_".
- p. 261: _redde te Harpocratem._--Capitalized the "_r_" in "_redde_" and changed the period to an exclamation mark in keeping with the Folio. Overdo is pompously ordering Littlewit to be quiet. An English translation is: "Turn yourself into Harpocrates!" (i.e., the god of silence).