Chapter 2

Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason, For beauty so bright, Set him mad with delight; He purchased a stall for the season And sat in it every night.

His views were exceedingly proper; He wanted to wed, So he called at her shed And saw her progenitor whop her-- Her mother sit down on her head.

"So pretty," said he, "and so trusting! You brute of a dad, You unprincipled cad, Your conduct is really disgusting. Come, come, now, admit it's too bad!

"You're a turbaned old Turk, and malignant; Your daughter Lenore I intensely adore And I cannot help feeling indignant, A fact that I hinted before.

"To see a fond father employing A deuce of a knout For to bang her about. To a sensitive lover's annoying." Said the bagman, "Crusader, get out!"

Says Guy, "Shall a warrior laden With a big spiky knob. Stand idly and sob. While a beautiful Saracen maiden Is whipped by a Saracen snob?

"To London I'll go from my charmer." Which he did, with his loot (Seven hats and a flute), And was nabbed for his Sydenham armor, At Mr. Ben-Samuel's suit.

Sir Guy he was lodged in the Compter, Her pa, in a rage, Died (don't know his age), His daughter, she married the prompter, Grew bulky and quitted the stage.

KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO.

King Borria Bungalee Boo Was a man-eating African swell; His sigh was a hullaballoo, His whisper a horrible yell-- A horrible, horrible yell!

Four subjects, and all of them male, To Borria doubled the knee, They were once on a far larger scale, But he'd eaten the balance, you see ("Scale" and "balance" is punning, you see.)

There was haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah, There was lumbering Doodle-Dum-Deh, Despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah, And good little Tootle-Tum-Teh-- Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh.

One day there was grief in the crew, For they hadn't a morsel of meat, And Borria Bungalee Boo Was dying for something to eat-- "Come provide me with something to eat!"

"Alack-a-Dey, famished I feel; Oh, good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, Where on earth shall I look for a meal? For I haven't no dinner to-day!-- Not a morsel of dinner to-day!

"Dear Tootle-Tum, what shall we do? Come, get us a meal, or in truth, If you don't we shall have to eat you, Oh, adorable friend of our youth! Thou beloved little friend of our youth!"

And he answered, "Oh Bungalee Boo, For a moment I hope you will wait-- Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo Is the queen of a neighboring state-- A remarkably neighboring state.

"Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo, She would pickle deliciously cold-- And her four pretty Amazons, too, Are enticing, and not very old-- Twenty-seven is not very old.

"There is neat little Titty-Fol-Leh, There is rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah, There is jocular Waggety-Weh. There is musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah-- There's the nightingale Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah!"

So the forces of Bungalee Boo Marched forth in a terrible row, And the ladies who fought for Queen Loo Prepared to encounter the foe-- This dreadful insatiate foe!

But they sharpened no weapons at all, And they poisoned no arrows--not they! They made ready to conquer or fall In a totally different way-- An entirely different way.

With a crimson and pearly-white dye They endeavored to make themselves fair, With black they encircled each eye, And with yellow they painted their hair (It was wool, but they thought it was hair).

And the forces they met in the field-- And the men of King Borria said, "Amazonians, immediately yield!" And their arrows they drew to the head, Yes, drew them right up to the head.

But jocular Waggety-Weh, Ogled Doodle-Dum-Deh (which was wrong) And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh, Said, "Tootle-Tum, you go along! You naughty old dear, go along!"

And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah Tapped Alack-a-Dey-Ah with her fan; And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah, Said "Pish, go away, you bad man! Go away, you delightful young man!"

And the Amazons simpered and sighed, And they ogled, and giggled, and flushed, And they opened their pretty eyes wide, And they chuckled, and flirted, and blushed (At least, if they could, they'd have blushed).

But haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah Said, "Alack-a-Dey, what does this mean?" And despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah Said, "They think us uncommonly green, Ha! ha! most uncommonly green!"

Even blundering Doodle-Dum-Deh Was insensible quite to their leers And said good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, "It's your blood we desire, pretty dears-- We have come for our dinners, my dears!"

And the Queen of the Amazons fell To Borria Bungalee Boo, In a mouthful he gulped, with a yell, Tippy-Wippity Tol-the-Rol-Loo-- The pretty Queen Tol-the-Rol-Loo.

And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh Was eaten by Pish-Pooh-Bah, And light-hearted Waggety-Weh By dismal Alack-a-Deh-Ah-- Despairing Alack-a-Deh-Ah.

And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah Was eaten by Doodle-Dum-Deh, And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah By good little Tootle-Tum-Teh-- Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh!

THE TROUBADOUR.

A troubadour he played Without a castle wall, Within, a hapless maid Responded to his call.

"Oh, willow, woe is me! Alack and well-a-day! If I were only free I'd hie me far away!"

Unknown her face and name, But this he knew right well, The maiden's wailing came From out a dungeon cell.

A hapless woman lay Within that dungeon grim-- That fact, I've heard him say. Was quite enough for him.

"I will not sit or lie, Or eat or drink, I vow. Till thou art free as I, Or I as pent as thou."

Her tears then ceased to flow, Her wails no longer rang, And tuneful in her woe The prisoned maiden sang:

"Oh, stranger, as you play I recognize your touch; And all that I can say Is, thank you very much."

He seized his clarion straight, And blew thereat, until A warden oped the gate, "Oh, what might be your will?"

"I've come, sir knave, to see The master of these halls: A maid unwillingly Lies prisoned in their walls."

With barely stifled sigh That porter drooped his head, With teardrops in his eye, "A many, sir," he said.

He stayed to hear no more, But pushed that porter by, And shortly stood before Sir Hugh de Peckham Rye.

Sir Hugh he darkly frowned, "What would you, sir, with me?" The troubadour he downed Upon his bended knee.

"I've come, De Peckham Rye, To do a Christian task; You ask me what would I? It is not much I ask.

"Release these maidens, sir, Whom you dominion o'er-- Particularly her Upon the second floor.

"And if you don't, my lord"-- He here stood bolt upright, And tapped a tailor's sword-- "Come out, you cad, and fight!"

Sir Hugh he called--and ran The warden from the gate: "Go, show this gentleman The maid in forty-eight."

By many a cell they past, And stopped at length before A portal, bolted fast: The man unlocked the door.

He called inside the gate With coarse and brutal shout, "Come, step it, Forty-eight!" And Forty-eight stepped out.

"They gets it pretty hot, The maidens what we cotch-- Two years this lady's got For collaring a wotch."

"Oh, ah!--indeed--I see," The troubadour exclaimed-- "If I may make so free, How is this castle named?"

The warden's eyelids fill, And sighing, he replied, "Of gloomy Pentonville This is the female side!"

The minstrel did not wait The warden stout to thank, But recollected straight He'd business at the Bank.

THE FORCE OF ARGUMENT.

Lord B. was a nobleman bold, Who came of illustrious stocks, He was thirty or forty years old, And several feet in his socks.

To Turniptopville-by-the-Sea This elegant nobleman went, For that was a borough that he Was anxious to rep-per-re-sent.

At local assemblies he danced Until he felt thoroughly ill-- He waltzed, and he galloped, and lanced, And threaded the mazy quadrille.

The maidens of Turniptopville Were simple--ingenuous--pure-- And they all worked away with a will The nobleman's heart to secure.

Two maidens all others beyond Imagined their chances looked well-- The one was the lively Ann Pond, The other sad Mary Morell.

Ann Pond had determined to try And carry the Earl with a rush. Her principal feature was eye, Her greatest accomplishment--gush.

And Mary chose this for her play, Whenever he looked in her eye She'd blush and turn quickly away, And flitter and flutter and sigh.

It was noticed he constantly sighed As she worked out the scheme she had planned-- A fact he endeavored to hide With his aristocratical hand.

Old Pond was a farmer, they say, And so was old Tommy Morell, In a humble and pottering way They were doing exceedingly well.

They both of them carried by vote The Earl was a dangerous man, So nervously clearing his throat, One morning old Tommy began:

"My darter's no pratty young doll-- I'm a plain-spoken Zommerzet man-- Now what do 'ee mean by my Poll, And what do 'ee mean by his Ann?"

Said B., "I will give you my bond I mean them uncommonly well, Believe me, my excellent Pond, And credit me, worthy Morell.

"It's quite indisputable, for I'll prove it with singular ease, You shall have it in 'Barbara' or 'Celarent'--whichever you please.

"You see, when an anchorite bows To the yoke of intentional sin-- If the state of the country allows, Homogeny always steps in.

"It's a highly aesthetical bond, As any mere ploughboy can tell"-- "Of course," replied puzzled old Pond. "I see," said old Tommy Morell.

"Very good then," continued the lord, "When its fooled to the top of its bent, With a sweep of a Damocles sword The web of intention is rent.

"That's patent to all of us here, As any mere schoolboy can tell." Pond answered, "Of course it's quite clear;" And so did that humbug Morell.

"It's tone esoteric in force-- I trust that I make myself clear?"-- Morell only answered "Of course,"-- While Pond slowly muttered, "Hear, hear."

"Volition--celestial prize, Pellucid as porphyry cell-- Is based on a principle wise." "Quite so," exclaimed Pond and Morell.

"From what I have said, you will see That I couldn't wed either--in fine, By nature's unchanging decree _Your_ daughters could never be _mine_.

"Go home to your pigs and your ricks, My hands of the matter I've rinsed." So they take up their hats and their sticks, And _exeunt ambo_, convinced.

ONLY A DANCING GIRL.

Only a dancing girl, With an unromantic style, With borrowed color and curl, With fixed mechanical smile, With many a hackneyed wile, With ungrammatical lips, And corns that mar her trips!

Hung from the "flies" in air, She acts a palpable lie, She's as little a fairy there As unpoetical I! I hear you asking, Why-- Why in the world I sing This tawdry, tinselled thing?

No airy fairy she, As she hangs in arsenic green, From a highly impossible tree, In a highly impossible scene (Herself not over clean). For fays don't suffer, I'm told, From bunions, coughs, or cold.

And stately dames that bring Their daughters there to see, Pronounce the "dancing thing" No better than she should be. With her skirt at her shameful knee, And her painted, tainted phiz: Ah, matron, which of us is?

(And, in sooth, it oft occurs That while these matrons sigh, Their dresses are lower than hers, And sometimes half as high; And their hair is hair they buy, And they use their glasses, too, In a way she'd blush to do.)

But change her gold and green For a coarse merino gown, And see her upon the scene Of her home, when coaxing down Her drunken father's frown, In his squalid, cheerless den: She's a fairy truly, then!

THE SENSATION CAPTAIN.

No nobler captain ever trod Than Captain Parklebury Todd, So good--so wise--so brave, he! But still, as all his friends would own, He had one folly--one alone-- This Captain in the Navy.

I do not think I ever knew A man so wholly given to Creating a sensation; Or p'r'aps I should in justice say-- To what in an Adelphi play Is known as "Situation."

He passed his time designing traps To flurry unsuspicious chaps-- The taste was his innately-- He couldn't walk into a room Without ejaculating "Boom!" Which startled ladies greatly.

He'd wear a mask and muffling cloak, Not, you will understand, in joke, As some assume disguises. He did it, actuated by A simple love of mystery And fondness for surprises.

I need not say he loved a maid-- His eloquence threw into shade All others who adored her: The maid, though pleased at first, I know, Found, after several years or so, Her startling lover bored her.

So, when his orders came to sail, She did not faint or scream or wail, Or with her tears anoint him. She shook his hand, and said "Good-bye;" With laughter dancing in her eye-- Which seemed to disappoint him.

But ere he went aboard his boat He placed around her little throat A ribbon blue and yellow, On which he hung a double tooth-- A simple token this, in sooth-- 'Twas all he had, poor fellow!

"I often wonder," he would say, When very, very far away, "If Angelina wears it! A plan has entered in my head, I will pretend that I am dead, And see how Angy bears it!"

The news he made a messmate tell: His Angelina bore it well, No sign gave she of crazing; But, steady as the Inchcape rock His Angelina stood the shock With fortitude amazing.

She said, "Some one I must elect Poor Angelina to protect From all who wish to harm her. Since worthy Captain Todd is dead I rather feel inclined to wed A comfortable farmer."

A comfortable farmer came (Bassanio Tyler was his name) Who had no end of treasure: He said, "My noble gal, be mine!" The noble gal did not decline, But simply said, "With pleasure."

When this was told to Captain Todd, At first he thought it rather odd, And felt some perturbation; But very long he did not grieve, He thought he could a way perceive To _such_ a situation!

"I'll not reveal myself," said he, "Till they are both in the Eccle- siastical Arena; Then suddenly I will appear, And paralyzing them with fear, Demand my Angelina!"

At length arrived the wedding day-- Accoutred in the usual way Appeared the bridal body-- The worthy clergyman began, When in the gallant captain ran And cried, "Behold your Toddy!"

The bridegroom, p'r'aps, was terrified, And also possibly the bride-- The bridesmaids _were_ affrighted; But Angelina, noble soul, Contrived her feelings to control, And really seemed delighted.

"My bride!" said gallant Captain Todd, "She's mine, uninteresting clod, My own, my darling charmer!" "Oh, dear," said she, "you're just too late, I'm married to, I beg to state, This comfortable farmer!"

"Indeed," the farmer said, "she's mine, You've been and cut it far too fine!" "I see," said Todd, "I'm beaten." And so he went to sea once more, "Sensation" he for aye forswore, And married on her native shore A lady whom he'd met before-- A lovely Otaheitan.

THE PERIWINKLE GIRL.

I've often thought that headstrong youths, Of decent education, Determine all-important truths With strange precipitation.

The over-ready victims they, Of logical illusions, And in a self-assertive way They jump at strange conclusions.

Now take my case: Ere sorrow could My ample forehead wrinkle, I had determined that I would Not like to be a winkle.

"A winkle," I would oft advance With readiness provoking, "Can seldom flirt, and never dance Or soothe his mind by smoking."

In short, I spurned the shelly joy, And spoke with strange decision-- Men pointed to me as a boy Who held them in derision.

But I was young--too young, by far-- Or I had been more wary, I knew not then that winkles are The stock-in-trade of Mary.

I had not seen her sunlight blithe As o'er their shells it dances, I've seen those winkles almost writhe Beneath her beaming glances.

Of slighting all the winkly brood I surely had been chary, If I had known they formed the food And stock-in-trade of Mary.

Both high and low and great and small Fell prostrate at her tootsies, They all were noblemen, and all Had balances at Coutts's.

Dukes with the lovely maiden dealt, Duke Bailey and Duke Humphy, Who eat her winkles till they felt Exceedingly uncomfy.

Duke Bailey greatest wealth computes, And sticks, they say, at no-thing. He wears a pair of golden boots And silver underclothing.

Duke Humphy, as I understand. Though mentally acuter, His boots are only silver, and His underclothing pewter.

A third adorer had the girl, A man of lowly station-- A miserable grov'ling earl Besought her approbation.

This humble cad she did refuse With much contempt and loathing; He wore a pair of leather shoes And cambric underclothing!

"Ha! ha!" she cried, "Upon my word! Well, really--come, I never! Oh, go along, it's too absurd! My goodness! Did you ever?

"Two dukes would make their Bowles a bride, And from her foes defend her"-- "Well, not exactly that," they cried, "We offer guilty splendor.

"We do not offer marriage rite, So please dismiss the notion!" "Oh, dear," said she, "that alters quite The state of my emotion."

The earl he up and says, says he, "Dismiss them to their orgies, For I am game to marry thee Quite reg'lar at St. George's."

He'd had, it happily befell, A decent education; His views would have befitted well A far superior station.

His sterling worth had worked a cure, She never heard him grumble; She saw his soul was good and pure Although his rank was humble.

Her views of earldoms and their lot, All underwent expansion; Come, Virtue in an earldom's cot! Go, Vice in ducal mansion!

BOB POLTER.

Bob Polter was a navvy, and His hands were coarse, and dirty too, His homely face was rough and tanned, His time of life was thirty-two.

He lived among a working clan (A wife he hadn't got at all), A decent, steady, sober man-- No saint, however--not at all.

He smoked, but in a modest way, Because he thought he needed it; He drank a pot of beer a day, And sometimes he exceeded it.

At times he'd pass with other men A loud convivial night or two, With, very likely, now and then, On Saturdays, a fight or two.

But still he was a sober soul, A labor-never-shirking man, Who paid his way--upon the whole A decent English working man.

One day, when at the Nelson's Head, (For which he may be blamed of you) A holy man appeared and said, "Oh, Robert, I'm ashamed of you."

He laid his hand on Robert's beer Before he could drink up any, And on the floor, with sigh and tear, He poured the pot of "thruppenny."

"Oh, Robert, at this very bar, A truth you'll be discovering, A good and evil genius are Around your noddle hovering.

"They both are here to bid you shun The other one's society, For Total Abstinence is one, The other Inebriety."

He waved his hand--a vapor came-- A wizard, Polter reckoned him: A bogy rose and called his name, And with his finger beckoned him.

The monster's salient points to sum, His heavy breath was portery; His glowing nose suggested rum; His eyes were gin-and-wortery.

His dress was torn--for dregs of ale And slops of gin had rusted it; His pimpled face was wan and pale, Where filth had not encrusted it.

"Come, Polter," said the fiend, "begin, And keep the bowl a-flowing on-- A working-man needs pints of gin To keep his clockwork going on."

Bob shuddered: "Ah, you've made a miss, If you take me for one of you-- You filthy beast, get out of this-- Bob Polter don't want none of you."

The demon gave a drunken shriek And crept away in stealthiness, And lo, instead, a person sleek Who seemed to burst with healthiness.

"In me, as your advisor hints, Of Abstinence you have got a type-- Of Mr. Tweedle's pretty prints I am the happy prototype.

"If you abjure the social toast, And pipes, and such frivolities, You possibly some day may boast My prepossessing qualities!"

Bob rubbed his eyes, and made 'em blink, "You almost make me tremble, you! If I abjure fermented drink, Shall I, indeed, resemble you?

"And will my whiskers curl so tight? My cheeks grow smug and muttony? My face become so red and white? My coat so blue and buttony?

"Will trousers, such as yours, array Extremities inferior? Will chubbiness assert its sway All over my exterior?

"In this, my unenlightened state, To work in heavy boots I comes, Will pumps henceforward decorate My tiddle toddle tootsicums?

"And shall I get so plump and fresh, And look no longer seedily? My skin will henceforth fit my flesh So tightly and so Tweedie-ly?"

The phantom said, "You'll have all this, You'll know no kind of huffiness, Your life will be one chubby bliss, One long unruffled puffiness!"

"Be off!" said irritated Bob. "Why come you here to bother one? You pharisaical old snob, You're wuss almost than t'other one!

"I takes my pipe--I takes my pot, And drunk I'm never seen to be: I'm no teetotaller or sot, And as I am I mean to be!"

GENTLE ALICE BROWN.

It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown; Her father was the terror of a small Italian town; Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing; But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing.

As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day, A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way; She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true, That she thought, "I could be happy with a gentleman like you!"

And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen, She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten, A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road (The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from her abode).

But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes; So she sought the village priest, to whom her family confessed, The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed.

"Oh, holy father," Alice said, "'twould grieve you, would it not? To discover that I was a most disreputable lot! Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one!" The padre said, "Whatever have you been and gone and done?"

"I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad, I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad, I've planned a little burglary and forged a little check, And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck!"

The worthy pastor heaved a sigh and dropped a silent tear-- And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear-- It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece: But sins like that one expiates at half-a-crown apiece.