Chapter 1
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BAB BALLADS AND SAVOY SONGS
by
W. H. GILBERT
Philadelphia Henry Altemus
CONTENTS
The Yarn of the "Nancy Bell"
Captain Reece
The Bishop and the Busman
The Folly of Brown
The Three Kings of Chickeraboo
The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo
To the Terrestrial Globe
General John
Sir Guy the Crusader
King Borria Bungalee Boo
The Troubadour
The Force of Argument
Only a Dancing Girl
The Sensation Captain
The Periwinkle Girl
Bob Polter
Gentle Alice Brown
Ben Allah Achmet
The Englishman
The Disagreeable Man
The Modern Major-General
The Heavy Dragoon
Only Roses
They'll None of 'Em Be Missed
The Policeman's Lot
An Appeal
Eheu Fugaces--!
A Recipe
The First Lord's Song
When a Merry Maiden Marries
The Suicide's Grave
He and She
The Lord Chancellor's Song
Willow Waly
The Usher's Charge
King Goodheart
The Tangled Skein
Girl Graduates
The Ape and the Lady
Sans Souci
The British Tar
The Coming Bye and Bye
The Sorcerer's Song
Speculation
The Duke of Plaza-Toro
The Reward of Merit
When I First Put This Uniform On
Said I to Myself, Said I
The Family Fool
The Philosophic Pill
The Contemplative Sentry
Sorry Her Lot
The Judge's Song
True Diffidence
The Highly Respectable Gondolier
Don't Forget
The Darned Mounseer
The Humane Mikado
The House of Peers
The AEsthete
Proper Pride
The Baffled Grumbler
The Working Monarch
The Rover's Apology
Would You Know
The Magnet and the Churn
Braid the Raven Hair
Is Life a Boon?
A Mirage
A Merry Madrigal
The Love-Sick Boy
THE BAB BALLADS.
THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL."
'Twas on the shores that round our coast From Deal to Ramsgate span, That I found alone, on a piece of stone, An elderly naval man.
His hair was weedy, his beard was long, And weedy and long was he, And I heard this wight on the shore recite, In a singular minor key:
"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig."
And he shook his fists and he tore his hair. Till I really felt afraid; For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, And so I simply said:
"Oh, elderly man it's little I know Of the duties of men of the sea, And I'll eat my hand if I understand How you can possibly be
"At once a cook, and a captain bold, And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, And a bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig."
Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which Is a trick all seamen larn, And having got rid of a thumping quid, He spun this painful yarn:
"'Twas in the good ship _Nancy Bell_ That we sailed to the Indian sea, And there on a reef we come to grief, Which has often occurred to me.
"And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned (There was seventy-seven o' soul), And only ten of the _Nancy's_ men Said 'Here!' to the muster roll.
"There was me and the cook and the captain bold, And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, And the bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig.
"For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink, Till a-hungry we did feel, So, we drawed a lot, and, accordin' shot The captain for our meal.
"The next lot fell to the _Nancy's_ mate, And a delicate dish he made; Then our appetite with the midshipmite We seven survivors stayed.
"And then we murdered the bo'sun tight, And he much resembled pig; Then we wittled free, did the cook and me, On the crew of the captain's gig.
"Then only the cook and me was left, And the delicate question, 'Which Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose, And we argued it out as sich.
"For I loved that cook as a brother, I did, And the cook he worshipped me; But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed In the other chap's hold, you see.
"'I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom, 'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,'-- 'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I, And 'Exactly so,' quoth he.
"Says he, 'Dear James, to murder me Were a foolish thing to do, For don't you see that you can't cook _me_, While I can--and will--cook _you_!'
"So, he boils the water, and takes the salt And the pepper in portions true (Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot, And some sage and parsley too.
"'Come here,' says he, with a proper pride, Which his smiling features tell, ''T will soothing be if I let you see, How extremely nice you'll smell,'
"And he stirred it round and round and round, And he sniffed the foaming froth; When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals In the scum of the boiling broth.
"And I eat that cook in a week or less, And--as I eating be The last of his chops, why I almost drops, For a wessel in sight I see.
* * * * *
"And I never larf, and I never smile, And I never lark nor play, But I sit and croak, and a single joke I have--which is to say:
"Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, And the mate of the _Nancy_ brig, And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig!"
CAPTAIN REECE.
Of all the ships upon the blue, No ship contained a better crew Than that of worthy Captain Reece. Commanding of _The Mantelpiece_.
He was adored by all his men, For worthy Captain Reece, R.N., Did all that lay within him to Promote the comfort of his crew.
If ever they were dull or sad, Their captain danced to them like mad, Or told, to make the time pass by, Droll legends of his infancy.
A feather bed had every man, Warm slippers and hot-water can, Brown windsor from the captain's store, A valet, too, to every four.
Did they with thirst in summer burn? Lo, seltzogenes at every turn. And on all very sultry days Cream ices handed round on trays.
Then currant wine and ginger pops Stood handily on all the "tops:" And, also, with amusement rife, A "Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life."
New volumes came across the sea From Mister Mudie's libraree; _The Times_ and _Saturday Review_ Beguiled the leisure of the crew.
Kind-hearted Captain Reece, R.N., Was quite devoted to his men; In point of fact, good Captain Reece Beatified _The Mantelpiece_.
One summer eve, at half-past ten, He said (addressing all his men): "Come, tell me, please, what I can do To please and gratify my crew.
"By any reasonable plan I'll make you happy if I can; My own convenience count as _nil_; It is my duty, and I will."
Then up and answered William Lee, (The kindly captain's coxswain he, A nervous, shy, low-spoken man) He cleared his throat and thus began:
"You have a daughter, Captain Reece, Ten female cousins and a niece, A ma, if what I'm told is true, Six sisters, and an aunt or two.
"Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me, More friendly-like we all should be. If you united of 'em to Unmarried members of the crew.
"If you'd ameliorate our life, Let each select from them a wife; And as for nervous me, old pal, Give me your own enchanting gal!"
Good Captain Reece, that worthy man, Debated on his coxswain's plan: "I quite agree," he said. "O Bill; It is my duty, and I will.
"My daughter, that enchanting gurl, has just been promised to an earl, And all my other familee To peers of various degree.
"But what are dukes and viscounts to The happiness of all my crew? The word I gave you I'll fulfil; It is my duty, and I will.
"As you desire it shall befall, I'll settle thousands on you all, And I shall be, despite my hoard, The only bachelor on board."
The boatswain of _The Mantelpiece_, He blushed and spoke to Captain Reece: "I beg your honor's leave," he said, "If you wish to go and wed,
"I have a widowed mother who Would be the very thing for you-- She long has loved you from afar, She washes for you, Captain R."
The captain saw the dame that day-- Addressed her in his playful way-- "And did it want a wedding ring? It was a tempting ickle sing!
"Well, well, the chaplain I will seek, We'll all be married this day week-- At yonder church upon the hill; It is my duty, and I will!"
The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece, And widowed ma of Captain Reece, Attended there as they were bid; It was their duty, and they did.
THE BISHOP AND THE BUSMAN.
It was a Bishop bold, And London was his see, He was short and stout and round about, And zealous as could be.
It also was a Jew, Who drove a Putney bus-- For flesh of swine however fine He did not care a cuss.
His name was Hash Baz Ben, And Jedediah too, And Solomon and Zabulon-- This bus-directing Jew.
The Bishop said, said he, "I'll see what I can do To Christianize and make you wise, You poor benighted Jew."
So every blessed day That bus he rode outside, From Fulham town, both up and down, And loudly thus he cried:--
"His name is Hash Baz Ben, And Jedediah too, And Solomon and Zabulon-- This bus-directing Jew."
At first the busman smiled, And rather liked the fun-- He merely smiled, that Hebrew child, And said, "Eccentric one!"
And gay young dogs would wait To see the bus go by (These gay young dogs in striking togs) To hear the Bishop cry:--
"Observe his grisly beard, His race it clearly shows, He sticks no fork in ham or pork:-- Observe, my friends, his nose.
"His name is Hash Baz Ben, And Jedediah too, And Solomon and Zabulon-- This bus-directing Jew."
But though at first amused, Yet after seven years, This Hebrew child got awful riled, And busted into tears.
He really almost feared To leave his poor abode, His nose, and name, and beard became A byword on that road.
At length he swore an oath, The reason he would know-- "I'll call and see why ever he Does persecute me so."
The good old bishop sat On his ancestral chair, The busman came, sent up his name, And laid his grievance bare.
"Benighted Jew," he said, (And chuckled loud with joy) "Be Christian you, instead of Jew-- Become a Christian boy.
"I'll ne'er annoy you more." "Indeed?" replied the Jew. "Shall I be freed?" "You will, indeed!" Then "Done!" said he, "with you!"
The organ which, in man, Between the eyebrows grows, Fell from his face, and in its place, He found a Christian nose.
His tangled Hebrew beard, Which to his waist came down, Was now a pair of whiskers fair-- His name, Adolphus Brown.
He wedded in a year, That prelate's daughter Jane; He's grown quite fair--has auburn hair-- His wife is far from plain.
THE FOLLY OF BROWN.
BY A GENERAL AGENT.
I knew a boor--a clownish card, (His only friends were pigs and cows and The poultry of a small farmyard) Who came into two hundred thousand.
Good fortune worked no change in Brown, Though she's a mighty social chymist: He was a clown--and by a clown I do not mean a pantomimist.
It left him quiet, calm, and cool, Though hardly knowing what a crown was-- You can't imagine what a fool Poor rich, uneducated Brown was!
He scouted all who wished to come And give him monetary schooling; And I propose to give you some Idea of his insensate fooling.
I formed a company or two-- (Of course I don't know what the rest meant, _I_ formed them solely with a view To help him to a sound investment).
Their objects were--their only cares-- To justify their Boards in showing A handsome dividend on shares, And keep their good promoter going.
But no--the lout prefers his brass, Though shares at par I freely proffer: Yes--will it be believed?--the ass Declines, with thanks, my well-meant offer!
He added, with a bumpkin's grin, (A weakly intellect denoting) He'd rather not invest it in A company of my promoting!
"You have two hundred 'thou' or more," Said I. "You'll waste it, lose it, lend it. Come, take my furnished second floor, I'll gladly show you how to spend it."
But will it be believed that he, With grin upon his face of poppy, Declined my aid, while thanking me For what he called my "philanthroppy?"
Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them; They will not hear the charmer's voice, However wisely he may charm them.
I showed him that his coat, all dust, Top boots and cords provoked compassion, And proved that men of station must Conform to the decrees of fashion.
I showed him where to buy his hat, To coat him, trouser him, and boot him; But no--he wouldn't hear of that-- "He didn't think the style would suit him!"
I offered him a country seat, And made no end of an oration; I made it certainly complete, And introduced the deputation.
But no--the clown my prospects blights-- (The worth of birth it surely teaches!) "Why should I want to spend my nights In Parliament, a-making speeches?
"I haven't never been to school-- I ain't had not no eddication-- And I should surely be a fool To publish that to all the nation!"
I offered him a trotting horse-- No hack had ever trotted faster-- I also offered him, of course, A rare and curious "old Master."
I offered to procure him weeds-- Wines fit for one in his position-- But, though an ass in all his deeds, He'd learnt the meaning of "commission."
He called me "thief" the other day, And daily from his door he thrusts me; Much more of this, and soon I may Begin to think that Brown mistrusts me.
So deaf to all sound Reason's rule This poor uneducated clown is, You cannot fancy what a fool Poor rich uneducated Brown is.
THE THREE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO.
There were three niggers of Chickeraboo-- Pacifico, Bang-Bang, Popchop--who Exclaimed, one terribly sultry day, "Oh, let's be kings in a humble way."
The first was a highly-accomplished "bones," The next elicited banjo tones, The third was a quiet, retiring chap, Who danced an excellent break-down "flap."
"We niggers," said they, "have formed a plan By which, whenever we like, we can Extemporize islands near the beach, And then we'll collar an island each.
"Three casks, from somebody else's stores, Shall rep-per-esent our island shores, Their sides the ocean wide shall lave, Their heads just topping the briny wave.
"Great Britain's navy scours the sea, And everywhere her ships they be, She'll recognize our rank, perhaps, When she discovers we're Royal Chaps.
"If to her skirts you want to cling, It's quite sufficient that you're a king: She does not push inquiry far To learn what sort of king you are."
A ship of several thousand tons, And mounting seventy-something guns, Ploughed, every year, the ocean blue, Discovering kings and countries new.
The brave Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip, Commanding that superior ship, Perceived one day, his glasses through, The kings that came from Chickeraboo.
"Dear eyes!" said Admiral Pip, "I see Three flourishing islands on our lee. And, bless me! most extror'nary thing! On every island stands a king!
"Come, lower the Admiral's gig," he cried, "And over the dancing waves I'll glide; That low obeisance I may do To those three kings of Chickeraboo!"
The admiral pulled to the islands three; The kings saluted him gracious_lee_. The admiral, pleased at his welcome warm, Pulled out a printed Alliance form.
"Your Majesty, sign me this, I pray-- I come in a friendly kind of way-- I come, if you please, with the best intents, And Queen Victoria's compliments."
The kings were pleased as they well could be; The most retiring of all the three, In a "cellar-flap" to his joy gave vent With a banjo-bones accompaniment.
The great Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip Embarked on board his jolly big ship, Blue Peter flew from his lofty fore, And off he sailed to his native shore.
Admiral Pip directly went To the Lord at the head of the Government, Who made him, by a stroke of a quill, Baron de Pippe, of Pippetonneville.
The College of Heralds permission yield That he should quarter upon his shield Three islands, _vert_, on a field of blue, With the pregnant motto "Chickeraboo."
Ambassadors, yes, and attaches, too, Are going to sail for Chickeraboo, And, see, on the good ship's crowded deck, A bishop, who's going out there on spec.
And let us all hope that blissful things May come of alliance with darkey kings. Oh, may we never, whatever we do, Declare a war with Chickeraboo!
THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO.
From east and south the holy clan Of bishops gathered, to a man; To synod, called Pan-Anglican; In flocking crowds they came. Among them was a Bishop, who Had lately been appointed to The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo, And Peter was his name.
His people--twenty-three in sum-- They played the eloquent tum-tum And lived on scalps served up in rum-- The only sauce they knew, When, first good Bishop Peter came (For Peter was that Bishop's name), To humor them, he did the same As they of Rum-ti-Foo.
His flock, I've often heard him tell, (His name was Peter) loved him well, And summoned by the sound of bell, In crowds together came. "Oh, massa, why you go away? Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay." (They called him Peter, people say, Because it was his name.)
He told them all good boys to be, And sailed away across the sea. At London Bridge that Bishop he Arrived one Tuesday night-- And as that night he homeward strode To his Pan-Anglican abode, He passed along the Borough Road And saw a gruesome sight.
He saw a crowd assembled round A person dancing on the ground, Who straight began to leap and bound With all his might and main. To see that dancing man he stopped. Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped, Then down incontinently dropped, And then sprang up again.
The Bishop chuckled at the sight, "This style of dancing would delight A simple Rum-ti-Foozle-ite. I'll learn it, if I can, To please the tribe when I get back." He begged the man to teach his knack. "Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack," Replied that dancing man.
The dancing man he worked away And taught the Bishop every day-- The dancer skipped like any fay-- Good Peter did the same. The Bishop buckled to his task With _battements_, cuts, and _pas de basque_ (I'll tell you, if you care to ask, That Peter was his name).
"Come, walk like this," the dancer said, "Stick out your toes--stick in your head. Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread-- Your fingers thus extend; The attitude's considered quaint," The weary Bishop, feeling faint, Replied, "I do not say it ain't, But 'Time!' my Christian friend!"
"We now proceed to something new-- Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do, Like this--one, two--one, two--one, two." The Bishop, never proud, But in an overwhelming heat (His name was Peter, I repeat), Performed the Payne and Lauri feat, And puffed his thanks aloud.
Another game the dancer planned-- "Just take your ankle in your hand, And try, my lord, if you can stand-- Your body stiff and stark. If, when revisiting your see, You learnt to hop on shore--like me-- The novelty must striking be, And must excite remark."
"No," said the worthy Bishop, "No; That is a length to which, I trow, Colonial Bishops cannot go. You may express surprise At finding Bishops deal in pride-- But, if that trick I ever tried, I should appear undignified In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes.
"The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo Are well-conducted persons, who Approve a joke as much as you, And laugh at it as such; But if they saw their Bishop land, His leg supported in his hand, The joke they wouldn't understand-- 'Twould pain them very much!"
TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE.
BY A MISERABLE WRETCH.
Roll on, thou ball, roll on! Through pathless realms of Space Roll on! What, though I'm in a sorry case? What, though I cannot meet my bills? What, though I suffer toothache's ills? What, though I swallow countless pills? Never _you_ mind! Roll on!
Roll on, thou ball, roll on! Through seas of inky air Roll on! It's true I've got no shirts to wear; It's true my butcher's bill is due; It's true my prospects all look blue-- But don't let that unsettle you! Never _you_ mind! Roll on!
_(It rolls on.)_
GENERAL JOHN.
The bravest names for fire and flames, And all that mortal durst, Were General John and Private James, Of the Sixty-seventy-first.
General John was a soldier tried, A chief of warlike dons; A haughty stride and a withering pride Were Major-General John's.
A sneer would play on his martial phiz, Superior birth to show; "Pish!" was a favorite word of his, And he often said "Ho! ho!"
Full-Private James described might be, As a man of a mournful mind; No characteristic trait had he Of any distinctive kind.
From the ranks, one day, cried Private James "Oh! Major-General John, I've doubts of our respective names, My mournful mind upon.
"A glimmering thought occurs to me, (Its source I can't unearth) But I've a kind of notion we Were cruelly changed at birth.
"I've a strange idea, each other's names That we have each got on, Such things have been," said Private James. "They have!" sneered General John.
"My General John, I swear upon My oath I think 'tis so"-- "Pish!" proudly sneered his General John, And he also said "Ho! ho!"
"My General John! my General John! My General John!" quoth he, "This aristocratical sneer upon Your face I blush to see!
"No truly great or generous cove Deserving of them names Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove In the mind of a Private James!"
Said General John, "Upon your claims No need your breath to waste; If this is a joke, Full-Private James, It's a joke of doubtful taste.
"But being a man of doubtless worth, If you feel certain quite That we were probably changed at birth, I'll venture to say you're right."
So General John as Private James Fell in, parade upon; And Private James, by change of names, Was Major-General John.
SIR GUY THE CRUSADER.
Sir Guy was a doughty crusader, A muscular knight, Ever ready to fight, A very determined invader. And Dickey de Lion's delight.
Lenore was a Saracen maiden, Brunette, statuesque, The reverse of grotesque; Her pa was a bagman at Aden, Her mother she played in burlesque.
A _coryphee_ pretty and loyal. In amber and red, The ballet she led; Her mother performed at the Royal, Lenore at the Saracen's Head.
Of face and of figure majestic, She dazzled the cits-- Ecstaticized pits;-- Her troubles were only domestic, But drove her half out of her wits.
Her father incessantly lashed her, On water and bread She was grudgingly fed; Whenever her father he thrashed her Her mother sat down on her head.