Chapter 78
_Anna Wenbourne St. Ives to Louisa Clifton_
_London, Grosvenor Street_
This letter, dear friend of my heart, is begun in a very melancholy mood. How easy it is to undertake; how difficult to overcome! With what facility did I say to myself--Thus will I do, and thus--How firmly did I promise! Truth appeared so beautiful, so captivating, so omnipotent, that armed by her an infant could not but conquer. Perseverance alone was requisite, and I could persevere. The solid basis of the earth should almost shake ere I would waver!--Poor, vain creature!--Surely, Louisa, we are not all so--Heaven forbid!--
Why am I thus? Why does my heart faint within me? Indeed, Louisa, I begin to fear I have vaunted of powers I do not possess; and prescribed to myself duties too dignified, too mighty for me--And must I abandon an enterprise I deemed so noble?--I have meditated on it, Louisa, till I could weep--
I will not yet despair. At least one effort more, and a strong one, I will make--Alas! I am weary of this promising. My braggart strength is impotency, or little better. But I will do my best; and truth, sincerity, and good intent must be my trust.
My present determination is to relate to your brother all that has passed between me and Frank. I will once more state my feelings, my principles, and my plan. The purity of my heart must be my shield. To contend thus is painful; yet most willingly would I contend, were it productive of the good at which I aim. But instead of gaining ground I seem to lose. Oh that I were more wise, that I better knew the human heart, and that I well could wield the too gigantic weapons of truth! But I fear they are above my force, and pity my own imbecility.
The hour of appointment is come. Clifton will soon be here. I have been preparing my mind, taxing my memory, and arranging my thoughts. Oh that this effort may be more successful than the past! Did he but know all the good I wish him, his heart would surely not feel anger--He shall not die, said Frank!--Can I forget it?--How did my soul glow within me, when, hopeless but the moment before, I beheld nature again struggling for existence, and returning life once more stir in the convulsive lip! How did my ears tingle with--'He shall not die!'--I saw a noble quality exerted, and thought it was but to wish and to have, to imitate and to succeed--The brother of my Louisa!--A mind too that might out-soar the eagle, and gaze on the sun of truth!
There must be some cause for my failure, if I fail--With true simplicity of heart I can say, most earnestly do I wish to do right: most ardently would I endeavour to prove myself a friend worthy of Louisa Clifton, and of Frank Henley!--Perhaps the latter is the cause?--If I have done him wrong, Heaven forgive me! For I think, were I convicted of it, I could not forgive myself!
The servant has told me Clifton is below. I must take a few minutes to breathe--I must collect myself. Oh for the tongues of mediating angels!
A. W. ST. IVES