Part 2

All wise Men agree, that Providence has furnished the World with Remedies for most human Diseases, at least in their first Stages, and Men with Knowledge to apply them. When skilful People are consulted in Time, the Medicines good, duly prepared and given, the Nurse attentive, and the Patient tractable, there is but little to be apprehended from the first Stage of any Disease which is not mortal of itself, where the Habit of Body is otherwise sound; barring such Accidents as cannot be foreseen, nor consequently obviated. But what can Physicians, Medicines, Nurses, all avail, in the Disease (otherwise ever so curable) of an untoward Creature, against whom perhaps there are great Odds that it shall not be conquered to swallow the least Portion of the most absolutely necessary Remedy; nor to submit in Sickness to the least Controul; indulged, perhaps, as it has been, in a Habit of slighting and baffling all Authority while in Health? Just nothing. No; the Trouble indeed of attending it, is doubled and trebled to those who are constantly about it; the Expence is at least the same, if not considerably augmented; and the Confusion, Affliction, and Alarms of the Parents, at the growing Danger of their spoil’d Darling, immoderately encreas’d, on finding all Remedies rendered ineffectual to it, by an Obstinacy which they (whether conscious of it or not) have heretofore been the foolish Encouragers of. In the mean time, the Disease gathers Strength, and the Child’s Wilfulness with it; and the little ungovernable Patient falls an untimely Victim to the former Mismanagement of the mistakenly fond Parents, and its own present Unruliness. To see a fond Father, in Spite of the Impotence of Tears, so general to his Sex, weeping over his Child, his Heir, his only Hope of Joy, and vainly entreating him, whom he might command, to take an easy Remedy! To behold a tender Mother, herself half spent with Grief and Fears, prostrate at her sick Favourite’s Pillow, expostulating with all the Eloquence of maternal Anxiety, and entreating, praying, coaxing it to swallow a necessary Medicine, but still in vain! To view the Parents at such a Juncture, inwardly divided, torn, and almost consumed, between the alternate Motions of Tenderness, Impatience, Love, and Anger, fruitlessly insist, where a Habit of Subjection should have already made a Word or a Look sufficient; and yet to find the humour’d Thing as resolutely bent on refusing, merely, perhaps, because so much entreated! To eye all this, I say, were surely sufficient to convince us, that it is a strange Inversion of the natural Order of Things; and has a something in it extremely absurd: and the more so, when we reflect, that the whole is an Effect of Folly in the Parents, and chiefly owing to their former Neglect of exerting a little prudential Authority.

If this be too frequent a Case, as the Experience of many People must convince them it is, let Parents in general remember, that their watchful Industry to conquer and regulate the little growing Passions and Humours of their tender Offspring, is as necessary towards the Preservation of their Bodies, as for the Culture of their Minds.

That this Difficulty of conquering Children, and rendering them tractable while sick, is no Exaggeration, I might appeal to the Consciousness of most Parents throughout the Kingdom; nay, I could support the Charge by many Instances within my own Knowledge; but shall content myself with producing a very few from the Relation of others. A Friend of mine, who had the Care of a young Gentleman, lately received a Letter from his Boarding School, with this Information; “Master has been much out of order, and what is worse, was out of the Reach of the Means of being easily made better. He had indeed three Doses of Physic prescrib’d him, but could not be prevailed on to swallow one; in short, they were all spilt on the Sheets, for not a Drop went down his Throat.” A little Miss not yet able to speak plain (as I was informed by a Person present) had a Medicine to take which she obstinately refus’d; Mamma interferes, and after many fruitless Entreaties gently corrects her; Miss still persists in the Refusal, and is chastised with additional Severity, even to the sixth time; at length, half breathless with crying, and ready in appearance to burst with Passion, she has still her Spirit so little conquered as to say in her imperfect Gibberish, “Well, if you _till_ me, I won’t take it.” So Mamma overcome, lays down the Rod; and obstinate Miss coming off with the Victory, shewed she had more Courage to receive Correction, than the Mother Resolution to bestow it. The Truth was, that Mamma had never had a Dispute with the Child, in which she had not the Weakness to suffer it to get the better of her. A Lady of Rank I have the Honour to be acquainted with, and who I’m sure in other Respects has good Understanding, forfeited it greatly on a like Occasion. She told me her Daughter, when in the Country, having a Fever, all usual Means were try’d to prevail on her to take the necessary Remedies, but in vain! So far from being mov’d to Compliance, she was thrown into such vehement Fits of crying, whenever they were offered to her, that it was apprehended her Fever would encrease, and endanger her Life: ’till at length by good Fortune the Lady reflecting she had a Kitten which Miss was extravagantly fond of, she resolved to try an Experiment. Accordingly, as often as any thing was to be taken by Miss, Mamma holding Puss in her Hands, protested it should be thrown out of the Window and killed, if she did not take what was given her; and by this Stratagem brought the Child to a Compliance, which nothing else could effect. I own the Expedient was ingenious, and the Lady gave a Proof of her great Presence of Mind in turning to the Child’s Advantage an innocent Foible she had been indulg’d in. But surely at the same time she betrayed how much she had before forfeited her Understanding as well as the true Tenderness of the Parent, by the little Care she had taken to inculcate and enforce such Principles of Obedience and Gratitude, as should have taught her on the like Occasions to do at least as much out of Love and Duty to a fond Parent, as she did out of childish Attachment to a Kitten. Now however lightly People may think of these Things, who are not immediately concerned, they must and will be acknowledged great Afflictions to all Parents who love their Children, and see them in such Circumstances.

’Tis certain that Children may have Disorders which are not of a dangerous Nature, and may therefore be got through without a nice Observance of Rule; but then it is equally certain, that they have oftentimes very dangerous ones, which necessarily require both Medicines and Rule. And very eminent Physicians have declared it as their Opinion, that many of these tender Lives have been lost, purely for want of Submission to the Medicines and Rules prescribed them. Who then can look back on the Causes of a Loss so detrimental to Society, and not be offended at the general Neglect of Parents to remove them?

Nor can one, reasonably speaking, be less offended and concerned at the universal Custom among Parents of remedying on such Occasions their former Neglects, by present Falsehoods: that is, I mean, by attempting to impose on their Children’s Senses and Understandings by manifest Untruths. When a Child is to take a Medicine, is it not ridiculous to call a bitter Draught sour, or a sour one sweet? Is it less absurd to insist on a nauseous thing’s being pleasant, than it is to shew them what is black, and endeavour to persuade them it is white? And yet this is the Method commonly made use of with Children, to beguile down their Medicines. It is true it may furnish People with an easy Pretext to expatiate on their Children’s Capacity; but I am sure it adds no Honour to their own. They may tell their Apothecary how much Pains they took to cheat the Child, but the little Rogue was so cunning it would not be cheated! They may display his Genius by telling how they called it Wine, and gave it in the dark; or said it was Tea, and put it into his own Cup; still nothing could deceive him: Oh! it is a sensible little Creature! But what all this while is become of the Sense of the Parents? For after all this Address, this mighty Juggle, it must still perhaps be owned, that the Child does not take the Dose: or if it should, with a Superiority of Sense, it justly reproaches the Parents with having told it a Falsehood. “You said it was good, but I find it is nasty Stuff, and I’ll take no more of it.” And too generally do they keep their Word. Can Parents so palpably mislead their Children, and not be sensible of their Mistake? Or can they be sensible of it, and not blush at their own Folly?

Thus far we have considered the Untowardness of Children, with some of its Consequences, in that Stage of Life we usually call their Childhood; that is, to seven Years old; for according to the Custom of familiar Life, every Septenary is reckoned a Stage; tho’ Physical Writers divide Life otherwise. With them there are eight Stages. From the Birth to three Years old, is one; viz. the Infancy; from three to ten another; and so on to Decrepidity. But as this Treatise attempts to reach no farther than the Dominion of Parents generally extends, that is, till they become Men and Women; it will not be consistent with my Design, to carry on either Observation or Precept beyond the third Stage of Life.

Let us therefore proceed to take some Observation of them in the second Septenary; when on all Hands it is agreed their Understandings are open, and capable of receiving more important Impressions.

Now if we view the Generality of Children from seven to fourteen, I am afraid we shall be obliged to confess, that however far they advance in what is commonly called Learning, they gain but very little in the Science of Manners. In _William_ of _Wickham_’s famous School at _Winchester_ there is this Motto, MANNERS MAKETH MAN: Whereby we are reminded, that all Learning which does not improve our Manners, is vain and unprofitable; the Perfection of Manners being the End, which Learning is only design’d as a Means to conduct us to. Yet so it happens, that Parents are frequently misled by confounding Names, by taking one thing for another, and concluding their Children have Manners because they have Learning. Whereas in reality, a Child may, from want of proper Care, have a great deal of Learning, and no Manners at all: or, on the other hand, by timely and proper Tuition, advance greatly in the Improvement of genuine Manners, with little or no School Learning: which is all that is generally understood by the Word Learning, with regard to Children in the second Septenary.

When a Man becomes Father of a Family, he usually applies the Boys, as soon as he deems them of an Age for it, to School Learning; different according to the Rank he bears in Life: while the Girls, by a shameful Indolence or Contempt, are often neglected in this Particular, and suffered to become alternate Plagues and Play-things at home: at least with strictest Truth we may say, too little Care is taken to form either the Mind or Heart of these to any great Advantage. The Boys, if dull, return Blockheads, and so remain; if smart, grow boisterous, audacious, conceited, and ungovernable; tyrannical to their Sisters; disobedient to their Mother; and scarce are awed by their Father’s severer Brow. The Girls remain uncultivated in almost every thing but Vanity and a Love of fine Cloaths. Indeed they can work a little, (and perhaps but little) or they can dance, and so they ought; but shall scarcely be able to spell a Word right beyond a Monosyllable; or write the Direction on a Letter with any Propriety. Is it an Exaggeration to say this is the usual Education till fourteen? Surely Experience convinces us it is not; and tho’ some Exceptions may doubtless be found, yet they are few in Comparison with the whole.

Now let me ask the Parents of such Children, what real Comfort do they find in them? Do they not often with Sorrow, nay almost with bleeding Hearts, see them running counter to their Expectations and Wishes? Do they not daily see, and must they not therefore daily lament (unless they are self-blind) that all their other Profusion of Kindness so lavishly poured on their Children, yields neither Profit to them, nor Comfort to themselves? And whence the Cause of all this Disappointment? Alas! ’tis too visible, too apparent! It arises from a Neglect, or at least an Abuse of that early Authority they ought to exercise over them: from a Neglect, in not correcting in time their Irregularities and Humours; from an Abuse, in correcting them without Judgment and Discretion. Nor does this happen to People in inferior Stations only; no, ’tis every Day to be met with, not merely from the Peasant to the Tradesman, but from the Tradesman to the Nobleman; and even among those of the finest Understanding. But whence the Cause of this strange Misconduct and Omission? It springs, as I take it, from Ignorance, or Inconsiderateness, or Partiality, or Passion, or from all together; but the most frequently of any, from false Tenderness, and blind Indulgence.

Every Man has his own way of judging, and generally abides by it right or wrong. I knew a Gentleman of refined Understanding, who frequently forfeited it, by a boundless injudicious Fondness for his Children. He would say to his little Boy at Table, Well, my Dear, what shall I help you to? The Child, accustomed to have his own Will, unskilled to make a proper Choice, and following the Gratification of his depraved Palate, was sure to choose the most unfit Dish, by choosing the richest, because the most savory. The Father indeed would fain set him right, by recommending some simpler Food; No, my Dear, he’d say, have some Mutton, Mutton is best for you; and so of any other plain wholsome Dish; but this Advice proves too late, after having set him wrong; nor would he eat a Morsel of any thing but what he himself approved of. The same Gentleman, as a Proof of his Sense, took abundance of Pains to inculcate strict Notions of Honour to his Children, tho’ he often degraded that Sense in the Application of them. One Day, at the beginning of the Week, he says to his Son, My Dear, I know you are a Man of Honour, and what you once promise you’ll punctually perform; you are one Day this Week to take Physic; tell me then, what Day will you fix on? The Boy pauses a little, and replies, Saturday, Sir. Oh! fye my Dear, says the Father, why stay ’till Saturday? why not take it to-morrow, or next Day? No Sir, replies the Boy, with an unbecoming Pertness, I’m upon Honour; the Choice of the Day was left to me, and I’ll not take it before. What an amazing Inversion of Ideas! Honour with Disobedience! Who in this Case could be said to hold the Reins of Government, the Parent or the Child?

Thus too does many an affectionate and even sensible Mother both see and feel in a Daughter, whom Nature perhaps has endowed with all that might make her sweet and amiable, an Untractableness she knows not how to account for. But tho’ it is her own Mismanagement, or rather no Management at all, which makes the Girl’s Desires irregular and inordinate, still the fond Parent remains blind to the Cause. If Miss knows Mamma is to go out without her, she’ll eat no Dinner; if the Dress of the Day is not to her Fancy, she is sure to remain sullen ’till Night; and if an accidental Difference is made to a Sister, or any other of her own Age, she shall redden, and swell, and pout, and fret, ’till she has fretted her Mamma sick, to see her untoward Behaviour; and possibly fretted herself sick too. ’Tis easy to discern the Principles she acts upon; they are Self-will, Vanity, and the Love of Pleasure, which she has been used to be indulged in. No wonder then, that when these are not gratified she is miserable; and while they are, is it likely that she can long be happy?

There ought to be made a considerable Difference between the Children of inferior People, and those of Rank, with regard to their Tuition; nothing is more reasonable; since the latter have innumerable Advantages over, and are to move in a very different Sphere from the former. Still the Mistakes in all are too often essentially the same; and only conceal’d or varnish’d over by the external Education. Now, what I contend for is, that Parents of all Ranks have the Power, and are equally bound in Duty, to be themselves the Teachers of their Children, with regard to that Self-Knowledge, and the genuine Docility arising from it, which are necessary to conduct them thro’ Life with Ease and Benefit to themselves, with Honour and Pleasure to their Parents, and with universal Advantage to Society in general. I say again, that all Parents have the Power of answering this Obligation in great measure; but those of Rank, Fortune, and Education, have it in an eminent Degree; and are therefore utterly inexcusable, when they give into that gross Neglect of it; which we daily see, even in the second and more improveable Stage of human Life.

Tho’ it is allow’d by all, that Children, long before they attain the Age of fourteen, are in general capable of receiving very advantageous Impressions, and are full as susceptible of the reverse; yet ’tis pretty evident, that much the Majority to that Period, gain few or no good ones; and I wish it were not as evident, that their principal Stock are of the bad Kind. But let us proceed to consider them in the third Septenary, which brings them to the Age of twenty-one; the Period which generally closes our Obligations to them; shuts out in great measure our Power over them; and sets them loose on the great Stage of the World, every one to act their Part just as we have taught them. If well, great is our Honour, great must be our Comfort; and great and lasting is their Happiness likely to prove, to themselves, and to Posterity. If ill, no matter what their Station is, they disgrace it; and the Disgrace with double Force is reflected back on ourselves.

’Tis a well-known Maxim, that the first Impressions strike the deepest. Thus, a Boy, who before fourteen has never been convinced that it was necessary for him to obey, will afterwards laugh at it as ridiculous; and if his first Lessons were Pride and Pleasure, the only Use he will make of his Understanding when more at large, will be to study to continue in the Pursuit and Augmentation of those his favourite Objects.

Whether we consider the Heir of a Family at the University, or his younger Brother in a Merchant’s Compting-house; whether we consider a young Stripling destin’d to the Law, to Physic, or view him behind a Counter; we cannot make a true Use of our Eyes, without seeing innumerable Disorders during this third Stage of Life. For tho’ heretofore he has been treated as a Child or School-boy, he will now pretend to judge for himself; and as his Reason is weak, and his Passions strong, that will slavishly run in pursuit of every thing which will promote the Gratification of these. I have already observed, that the only Use he will make of his Understanding, will be to abuse it. For Example, he wants fine Cloaths, such, perhaps, as are very unbecoming his Station; he wants two or three Suits, where one ought to serve; he wants an encrease of Pocket-money, far beyond a reasonable Allowance, and often beyond what his Father can afford; or finally, he has some more vicious End in view. Now without once employing his Reason, or reflecting how much he has abused the Indulgence of his Parents, his Passions urge him on to effect whatever they suggest. To gain his Point then, with Address and Cunning he applies to his Mother; whose blind Fondness for her Boy, will not let the Father rest, till his prodigal Humour is gratify’d. The Father, as a good one, shall argue the Case. “What, my Dear, can I do with this extravagant Boy? I have spar’d no Pains nor Expence in his Education, because on that I grounded all my Hopes of his future good Conduct and Prosperity; he don’t want Sense, and has improv’d pretty well in his Learning: if not quite so well as perhaps he might have done with a little more Application, yet allowing for the natural Thoughtlessness of his Age, at least well enough to know how to act better. Still I see little Prospect of Comfort from him; because I see no Dispositions in him but to Idleness, Folly and Extravagance. In short, if he goes on thus, what better can I expect than to see him daily plunge deeper and deeper into Extravagance and Vice: and what must the Consequence be but irrecoverable Destruction? Shall I then by continuing to humour him hurry on his Ruin, perhaps in my own and yours?” But the fond Mother still persuading him that every present Folly is to be the last, urges her Suit; and enforcing all that Influence which in an amiable Woman seldom fails to succeed with an indulgent Husband and doating Father, is almost always sure to carry her Point. Is not this the Situation of many a Parent? Is not this the reigning Practice of many a Son? Of too many indeed!—The Father here describ’d is such a one as most Men will acknowledge to be a tender one; and some will be apt to think a discreet one; in allowing for the Inconsiderateness of his Age, weighing like a prudent Man his real Good, and generously resolving to furnish him with every reasonable Means of being wise and happy: still is he disappointed; and still are his Expectations frustrated. But need we ask the Cause? Surely it is too plain. More Pains have been taken to pamper and humour him, than to make it unnecessary to do either: more Time and Care have been employ’d to furnish his Head, with perhaps merely ornamental Knowledge, than to correct and enrich his Heart with such Sentiments as might improve his Manners. Can we then wonder that he precipitates into Ruin? No surely; we may rather wonder if he escapes it. But admitting that Fortune still favours him, and that he keeps up his Dignity and Reputation; how does he possess his own Mind, as a rational Creature, or a Brute? Does he act so as to deserve the Esteem of Mankind? If not, Life is not worth enjoying.

Let us now view the fairer part of our Species; those tender Branches our Daughters. They (thank Heaven) are not naturally so liable to Vices and Extravagancies as our Sons; but I wish I could say they were all as good as they are capable of being made; as amiable in their interior Sentiments, as their Forms might make us hope to see them. But alas! too often those choicest Charms of our Eyes are the chief Plagues of our Hearts; and it is we ourselves are the principal Causes, that they whom Nature seem’d to have form’d to be our principal Comforts, should thro’ our Mismanagement become the Disturbers of the Peace of us their Parents, and of their own Happiness.