Part 11

Parents should be particularly careful not to dispirit their Children; which undoubtedly will have a bad Influence on their whole future Conduct. There is a Degree of Courage to be maintained that is not only graceful, but absolutely necessary to carry us thro’ Life, which Parents therefore must not destroy. Some of my Readers may perhaps think, that while I am enforcing Obedience, I am myself undermining Courage; but let me ask them whether a Soldier loses his Courage by being under Discipline? by no Means. On the contrary, a Consciousness of the Regularity of his Exercise, and of his Skill in the Use of Arms, always animates him in time of Danger: thus Children kept in Decorum, and under a Habit of doing right, will have far less Fear than those who are acting as their Passions lead them: unless indeed they are quite abandoned.

Courage discovers itself by a Command of Countenance, a dauntless Air and Behaviour, join’d with such a Degree of Respect, Duty, and Self-knowledge, as shews it to be free from Impudence and Self-conceit: it is a Firmness of Spirit that enables us to encounter every Danger when necessary; and to demean ourselves in a proper Manner under Trouble, Pain, and Disappointment. But here Parents must be very careful to distinguish false Courage from true, imaginary Evils from real: let there be no trembling about Hobgoblins, or dark Holes; no Stories of Apparitions to raise Terror in the tender Minds of Children: Parents should never mention these things to them, nor, if possible, suffer any body else to do it; unless it be to laugh at, and expose the Folly of them.

Nothing can be a greater Weakness than the creating or cherishing these Fears in Children: nay how senseless a thing is it to make them afraid of a dark Room, a Chimney-sweeper, or whatever else can impress a groundless or an unjust Fear on them; for more or less they feel it their whole Lives, and by that Means are oftentimes made very miserable. Children, as soon as they can distinguish, should be taught to look, and move, and speak with Courage; and, as they grow up, they should be put frequently in the Way of exercising it, whereby many natural or acquired Weaknesses will be conquered: such as, a Fear of the Water, Riding, and innumerable other things, which Parents should by every Means endeavour to prevent or remove: taking along with them this Caution, not to treat those Children whose Spirits are naturally weak, with the same Freedom they do the more robust; nor ever rashly expose them to real or imminent Dangers.

There is another Species of Fear, so far removed from Virtue and good Sense, that Parents cannot do too much to banish it from their Children’s Minds; I mean that which is the Offspring of Superstition. What Pity is it that this heathenish Principle should ever find a Place in a Christian Breast: that People who are taught to rely on Providence alone, and who know that Happiness is the infallible Reward of a virtuous Life, should nevertheless desert that Providence, and turn their Backs on the Comforts and Advantages annexed to it, to run in Search of Misery. Fear is natural to the Soul of Man; but it is Reason only that can fix it’s just Bounds. If I have a Child in the _Indies_, and dream he is dead, am I to be miserable till a Letter from him convinces me of my Folly? If I am about engaging in an Affair, of itself not only innocent but laudable, am I to put it off because it is an unlucky Day? or because a senseless, withered Hag shakes her Head over a Dish of Coffee-grounds, am I to fear that Destruction is coming upon me? No, no; all these are Instruments of Misery, which nobody must meddle with who claims being a rational Creature. Superstition and Happiness are incompatible, as every Day’s Experience proves. Parents then, effectually to avoid these Evils, must teach their Children a just Abhorrence of Superstition; they must teach them too, that the only Fear consistent with a Reliance on Providence, and consistent with Virtue and good Sense, is the Fear of doing wrong; that is, of being vicious.

The general Indulgence of Parents to their Children in gratifying their unreasonable Humours, is no small Obstacle to their Happiness; but that is not all, it disturbs the Oeconomy of the Family, and every Day, perhaps every Hour, throws the House into Disorder; and thus turns that into Slavery and Vexation, which Providence designed as a Comfort and a Blessing. There is a well known pleasant Story which seems not unsuitable here: A Lady gave her Daughter, about three Years old, to the Care of a Nursery-maid, with positive Orders that Miss should never be suffered to cry; Whatever she wants, says the Lady, be sure let her have it; I will not have her cry. The Maid soon grew weary of her little Tyrant, and archly resolved on a Method to convince Mamma of her Mistake. Accordingly, one fine Evening, the Girl put Miss into a Window; See, my Dear, says she, see that pretty Moon; shall I give you that pretty Moon to play with? In a short time she work’d up the Child’s Fancy so strongly, that nothing would quiet her but the Moon. At length Mamma (upon hearing her Child cry) in great Rage entered the Room; How dare you, says she, let my Child cry? Madam, replied the Maid, Miss wants—Don’t tell me she wants; she shall want nothing she has a Mind to have. Madam, repeats the Maid, (as soon as she could be heard) Miss wants the Moon; and your Ladyship knows I can’t give it her. The Lady was struck dumb; Miss still cried vehemently, and nothing could quiet her, but a severe Whipping from Mamma’s own Hands.

There are but two Ways of subduing the Passions, _viz._ Force and Reason; but there are a thousand Ways, and those daily used, to inflame and strengthen them. When a Child is accustomed to have all it asks for, it soon becomes unreasonable in its Demands; and in the End expects Impossibilities. Now which is most eligible, to keep the Passions regulated, and prevent their making great Resistance; or to suffer them to rise to such a Height, that all our After-care will not be sufficient to check them? Parents then should by all Means accustom themselves to deny their Children some things, even such as are innocent and reasonable; not indeed to gratify a cruel Pleasure, for that they should abhor, but to familiarize them to Disappointments, that they may brook them the better. Besides, by this Method, every Grant from the Parents will be esteemed a Favour, and received with Gratitude and Alacrity; whereas the granting every thing they ask, destroys the very Life and Spirit of Compliance, and it ceases to be a Favour. A little Judgment and Experience will shew Parents how to vary these Grants and Denials, if they do but attend to them; and if Children are under any Degree of Regulation, nothing is more easy.

Yet this by no means implies that Children are not sometimes to have what they like; far from it: but the Regulation I have been speaking of makes their own Lives comfortable and easy; and at the same time furnishes Parents with frequent Opportunities of discovering their various Inclinations and Propensities, and puts it in their Power to confer many little Favours on them, that otherwise they would not be sensible of. For Example; there are two Sorts of Meat at Table equally innocent; in that Case Parents may sometimes, without Impropriety, give a Child its Choice; this Indulgence, when allowed without Clamour or Rudeness in the Child, looks graceful, gives it Spirit, and a pleasing Air: besides, it affords Parents an Opportunity of discovering, if a Child has any natural Antipathy, any unconquerable Aversion, to certain Kinds of Food; or any thing in its Constitution that has a Repugnancy to certain Meats, which, tho’ it may like, always make it sick; all which must be distinguished from Humour and Daintiness. But it will be impossible to arrive at this Knowledge, if my first Principle, Obedience, be neglected; for if a Child be suffered always to have it’s own Humour, what a fantastical Figure does it make at Table! I have seen a sensible well-bred Woman sweat with Confusion at the Behaviour of her Child, and able to eat no Dinner herself for attending to it’s Humours. One Minute it would have one Meat, the next another; this was too fat, and that was cut in the wrong Place; by and by it would have something else, and after all grow sullen, and not eat half it’s Dinner: but Obedience obviates this Confusion, and makes all calm and regular; Children take whatever is given them, and eat it without Reluctance or Reserve. Thus while they see they are not to be humoured, Parents will be at Leisure to attend to them, and may easily observe what Food should be generally given, and what avoided; and thus too Parents might have half a dozen Children at Dinner with Peace and Joy, while the opposite Behaviour makes one a Plague to the whole Table.

This Attention to Children will likewise discover what Companions they like, and often, why they like them; by which Means Parents will be able to judge if their Dispositions are good or bad; vulgar or polite; tending to Vice or Virtue; all which will furnish them with Hints for granting or denying certain Acquaintance.

The same Rule Parents should observe, thro’ the stated Actions of every Day; that is to say, at Rising, Breakfast, Dressing, School, Dinner, Supper, and Bed-time; all are to be under such Regulation, that no Opposition or Untowardness obstruct the Order of their Designs: these I call the stated Actions, because they are things that constantly and regularly return; and Parents should by all Means habituate their Children to consider them as Acts of Obedience and Duty that must be readily complied with. On this Head I earnestly recommend, that Parents introduce Order and Method among their Children; by laying out their Time, and allotting different Hours in the Day for different Exercises; by which Means all will go smoothly on, and render their various Employments extremely easy. Here I cannot help observing, how ready People are to give opprobrious Names to what they dislike or are Strangers to. A Man, because he does not love Order, or does not understand it, endeavours to brand it with the Epithet of Formality; whereas in reality, nothing considerable or truly important can be carried on without it. How comes it, that, besides the Artizans, and other Day-labouring Men, we so regularly see the Clerk in his Office, the Merchant upon Change, the Physician with his Patient, and the Judge on the Bench? but because the Nature of our various Employments in Life require it, and because Order is the Soul of Action. To be convinced of this, we need but view the first Elements of Learning, where we find Letters and Figures always ranged in the same exact Order. But we may go farther, by observing, that Logicians teach us the Arrangement even of our Ideas; so indispensably necessary is Order and Method for the conducting us through Life. But while I urge the Usefulness and Necessity of Order, I would not be understood to mean a rigorous and starch’d Preciseness in all we do; on the contrary, I have already recommended, that Parents endeavour to give their Children an easy and a graceful Air. I am very sensible, that as in the Productions of Nature there is often displayed a beautiful Irregularity, thus Order and stated Times may be dispensed with, in some of the greatest Actions the Soul of Man is capable of. And as in Wit the sudden Propriety of the Thought and Expression makes the Beauty of it; so in the Exigencies of Life, an unpremeditated Act of Benevolence, doubly proves the Goodness of the Heart from which it flows: still as Judgment is superior to Wit, so Order is superior to Irregularity.

I have already recommended that Parents study to win their Children’s Hearts; and it is on this Principle, that Love be made to take the deepest Root in them. Love and Fear are two great Springs of human Actions; both which must be maintained, both should by turns appear, but Love must be predominant. Would Parents make their Children good, let them daily instill into them that noble Motive, Love. Would they make their Children happy, let them prove they desire it, by shewing their Love to them. Would they make Duty a Pleasure, let them teach their Children to love it, by teaching them a chearful Obedience. In the whole Oeconomy of human Life nothing is so essential to Happiness as this Principle; for as all Actions are, or should be guided by some Principle or other, so those which have a generous well-directed Love for their Motive, bid fairest for attaining that genuine Happiness, which all aspire at, but so few find. Hence it is easy to see how necessary it is for Parents to cherish in their Children this great Principle of Virtue and Happiness; ’tis this keeps their Duty awake, and turns that into Ease and Joy, which otherwise would be a Burthen and a Pain; ’tis this that stems the Torrent of irregular Actions, and checks the rising Passions of our Children, by producing in them the opposite Effect, Fear; that is, a Fear of offending. Of all the important Steps necessary for forming the Minds of Children, and for conducting them thro’ Life with Happiness to themselves and others, nothing is more truly so, than the animating their Actions with well-tempered Affection; it makes them open, generous, and noble; and it takes off that Narrowness of Mind and Heart, so disadvantageous to themselves, and so detrimental to Society: for in proportion to the Affection they prove for their Parents, so much will they increase in what in their future Lives they bestow upon others. Children who love their Parents as they ought, will seldom fail to diffuse in social Life a general Affection around them; they will love their Husbands, their Wives, their Children, and their Friends: nay they will love the whole human Race, by promoting, in some Degree or other, the Good of every one within their Reach. Such are the Benefits arising from a Love founded on just Principles; such the Force of this Heaven-born Quality!

I have observed that Fear is another great Spring of human Actions; and were it only such a Fear as Love creates, it would be truly laudable. But Experience too sadly proves how much Mankind are actuated by a Fear of Pain, Disgrace, and Poverty; a Fear which, in it’s Nature, is servile, mean, and base; such as Parents should seriously endeavour to banish from their Children’s Breasts. It may be reasonably asked, whether this Baseness, this unworthy Fear, so visible in the Majority of Men, be natural or acquired? When we view indeed our Children in some Individuals, and see them forsake every generous Offer of being happy, and cling immoveably to sordid Meanness, we may, in these Instances, conclude it is Nature; but when we consider them in the Lump, and take a general Survey of the Principles which guide their Actions, we must surely own it is in great Measure acquired: that is, the Dignity of Man is debased, in an almost constant Succession from Father to Son, by the false Estimation we make of Happiness; by forsaking Reason’s purest Streams, to follow our corrupt Passions.

To evince this, let me here descend a little to Particulars. Parents desire their Children’s Happiness, (I say nothing of those Monsters who neither feel nor act the Parent’s Part) but how do they attempt to reach it? certainly in a Path the most remote from it. No sooner have Children a Place on the great Stage of the World, but their Will is irregularly cherished; before they know where they are, or know to what End they have a Being, their tender Minds are impressed with Principles as opposite to Happiness as Light to Darkness. Who first awakens in them a Spirit of Resentment and fierce Revenge, even before they can speak? Those who beat the Floor, the Chair, the Table, or whatever little Master has heedlessly run against, and hurt himself with. Who first inflames their Vanity, by kindling in them Self-admiration, and a Passion for Dress? Those who set out with teaching Miss to admire herself only because she is fine. Who is it raises in them a Thirst of Gain, an early, and a sordid Love of Money? Those who give a mean Reward the Preference to Virtue; or who, by direct or oblique Insinuations, persuade them that there is no Happiness but in Riches. Who, in a Word, exposes them to the Fury of every tempestuous Passion, by opening the Flood-gates of irregular Pleasures? Those who indulge them in every thing they ask; who never contradict their Humour, however irregular; or who neglect to curb their Passions, and subject them to Reason. From this View of the too general Conduct of Parents, we may with Reason infer that Fear, the Spring which actuates the Majority of Mankind, is more acquired than natural: for where inordinate Desires are cherished, a Fear of not obtaining what we wish, or of losing what we possess, produces many Actions unworthy ourselves: Actions not only unjustifiable, but which constitute certain Misery under the Mask of Happiness.

To obviate then these Evils, to prevent the Acquisition of a base, mean, unmanly Fear, and to lead Children into the Path to Happiness, let Parents, as I have before recommended, make Love take the deepest Root in them, but as Fear will naturally by turns prevail, let them with the warmest Zeal labour to make it a Fear dictated by Love, and guided by Reason.

But how shall this be effected unless Parents act on right Principles? The grand Obligations of Parents to their Children consist in teaching them a Knowledge of themselves, a Love of Duty, and a Love of Virtue. Whence it is evident, that the Attention of Parents to conduct their Children as they ought, is indispensably necessary, even to the third Stage of Life; but it is doubly so at the Beginning. It is a judicious Observation, that he who sets out wrong is half undone; and tho’ this holds good in the general Concerns of Life, yet it is no where more applicable than in the false Steps taken in the initiating our Children. For if Principles opposite to Self-knowledge, Duty and Virtue, are either created, inculcated, or cherished, where is the Wonder that Children prove the reverse of what was expected? or that while they seem to aim at Happiness they find themselves wretched?

Those who build with Judgment, are always careful to lay a solid Foundation. I will now hope that Parents are sensible that the general Practice in the Management of Children is erroneous; and the general Neglect of them unjustifiable. I will hope too, that I have here shewn, however imperfectly, that Virtue alone is the Basis on which their Happiness is to be raised. An early Obedience, a Love of Truth, a spotless Innocence, and a becoming Courage, tempered with Self-knowledge, make the Ground-work of my Design; of that genuine Manners I mean to recommend. The Edifice however is still to be rear’d; that is, other Virtues both general and particular are to be taught, and brought into Habit: the whole Frame of Mind and Heart must appear regular, orderly, and beautiful; not accidentally so, but resulting from Reflection; they must be eager to embrace Virtue, and watchful to shun Vice: in a Word, be always dispos’d to do what is right, and never, with Design, do what is wrong. Here perhaps I should throw aside my Pen: if I have been so happy as to convince Parents of their first Mistakes in this important Work; those once rectify’d, the rest may be supply’d by abler Guides: for I neither have, nor pretend to have, the Power requisite to display or enforce those Virtues, the Knowledge and Observance of which make up the Measure of our Duty.

But to awaken Parents still farther, I must observe, that teaching their Children all the moral Duties is not only their Province, but more or less their Obligation. A learned and ingenious _French_ Author says, that Parents are the best Instructors, if they themselves are well instructed. For, says he, “A Father who has but two or three accustom’d to respect him, finds no Difficulty in keeping them to their Duty. He has them constantly at home with him; he can take the Hours when they are most docible; he knows their Capacity, their Genius, and their Inclinations. He can instruct them at leisure, and allow the necessary Time for it.” And a little farther he adds; “What is here said of Fathers must in Proportion be understood of Mothers, principally in regard of their Daughters.” Here then I recommend to Parents that they do not content themselves with laying the Foundation, but labour on till the Superstructure is raised and the Design compleated. For as Men who justly aim at Reputation, and who desire to fill with Honour some Post or Profession, spare no Pains to qualify themselves for it; so those, who would fulfil the Design of Providence in making them Parents, must take care that they do not lead Children out upon the Stage of the World, and leave them to act their Part alone, till they have taught them those Duties that will best secure Happiness both to themselves and others.

It will still perhaps be expected that I should treat of the farther Means to effect this great End; but my Readers must remember, that besides my being unequal to the Task, besides my being confined to the Compass of a small Volume, these important Matters have already been handled by many abler Pens, to which I refer them. However, to answer in some measure a reasonable Expectation, and farther to prove the Sincerity of my Intentions, I will here touch on those Virtues which are universally allowed to be essentially necessary; and which all, who would be esteemed wise and good, must both know and practise.

We are now to suppose, that Children are considerably advanced; not only that their first Lessons were Obedience, but that their Minds have been tempered with Duty, and with such a Knowledge of Right and Wrong, as strongly to incline them to adhere to the one and avoid the other: we will suppose too, that their Reason, unblinded by Passion, has gained so much Strength as to be able to exert itself to advantage: that is, that those Perceptions and Distinctions, with many other things which natural Logic is capable of teaching, have so far improved their Understanding, and disposed their Will, that they are fitted to receive more important Lessons, and practise them when taught.

Prudence then comes first under Consideration: it implies such an orderly Conduct of our Words and Actions, as keeps us free from those Irregularities which hurt ourselves and offend others. Prudence is a Virtue attended with innumerable good Effects, but particularly as it frequently shuts the Door not only against Misfortunes, but against Injustice. It is not to be doubted but that the Prudent are sometimes unfortunate. A thousand Evils surround us, a thousand Darts threaten our Destruction, which cannot be obviated because they cannot be foreseen: still it is certain that Prudence keeps off many Calamities which would otherwise befall us.

But besides the Advantages arising from Prudence to ourselves, it makes us pleasing and useful to others. Men naturally love to converse with the Discreet; from them they learn the Art of shunning those Rocks which so many others have split on; from them they discover a safer Path to tread in; and from them they often labour to model their own Actions. Farther, the Prudent are not only pleasing, but valuable to Society. A prudent Man is esteemed by all who have any Dealing with him. Mankind have naturally an Attachment to their Property; therefore are they with great Reason inclined to trust it in the Hands of the Discreet, rather than the Indiscreet. Hence appears the Necessity of teaching Children the Nature and Advantages of Prudence; but as it is one of the graver Virtues, it seldom appears in young People, unless it be those who are so happy as to have prudent Parents, that labour to implant an early Habit of it in them.