Part 10

Parents should give their Children an early and an ardent Love of Truth; in order to this, it is not sufficient that they give them Precepts, they must add Example too. There is no Vice more dangerous, none more odious, than a Habit of lying; and yet none more common. But what is stranger still, Parents themselves are often the Persons who teach it them. It is very far from being my Design to charge Parents with an Intention of leading Children into this capital Error; but that they do it either thro’ want of Thought, or want of Judgment, is evident. First, they grossly mistake their Children’s Capacity; and from a Notion that they know nothing, say a thousand improper things in their hearing: then, when they find themselves observed, are obliged to use many Shifts and Turns to get rid of their Curiosity and Importunity. The next Cause is, that Parents do not make Duty their Children’s Rule of Conduct. A Child sees something in it’s Father’s Hand, and asks, What is that? The Father answers, Nothing. But why make so absurd a Reply? Will not the Child in Return act the same Part? _Jacky_, what have you got in your Hand? Nothing. A Child sees it’s Mother put Money, Fruit, or any thing else in her Pocket, and asks for it; immediately she replies she has none: the Child taking the Conviction of it’s Senses, cries for what it has seen; and the Mother, after repeated Denials, has no other Way of pacifying it, than the giving what it cries for; and thus prove she has been maintaining a Falsehood. I was once in Company with a Lady, who with a sort of half Whisper, said her poor little Girl had Worms, and she must give her some Physic; Miss immediately cries out, What, you are talking of me now: No, no, Child, says Mamma: I know you are, replies Miss; I heard you talk of Physic, but I’ll not take any I am resolved: No, my Dear, repeats Mamma, I’m not talking about you; I’m talking of somebody that is in a Consumption. Surely such Behaviour reflects greatly on the Understanding or Conduct of Parents. Children should be told their Duty without Disguise; and it is certain they may often be won to it by soft and gentle Means; but Falsehoods, Prevarications, and puzzling the Truth, can never be the Way to lead them to it. Parents then, besides animating their Children to a Love of Truth by daily Advice, must themselves carefully avoid all obscure ambiguous Language in their hearing; all Signs, Nods, and Winks, which can answer no other End than perplexing their Understandings, or raising in them a restless painful Curiosity. Sir _Roger L’Estrange_ tells a Story that pleases me for it’s thorough Honesty. “A Man met an Acquaintance in the Street: What, my Friend, says he, have you got under your Coat? Why, replies the other, what I have under my Coat, I put there on purpose that you might not know.” Thus Parents without quibbling or evading, without Harshness or Ill-nature, need only convince their Children that all things are not proper for them to have, nor all things fit for them to know.

There is a Propensity in Nature which greatly deserves the Attention of Parents, that is, Curiosity: and this when well regulated, may without Impropriety be called the Gate of Knowledge. How lifeless, spiritless, and insipid, is a Child without it! How pleasing, and how capable of daily Improvement with it! Parents then ought to cherish this Propensity, as it’s Use is boundless. But tho’ Curiosity is in it’s Nature a Means of Improvement, it is extremely apt to degenerate into Impertinence; and herein Parents cannot be too circumspect. For as they are really two opposite Qualities, the one a Virtue, the other a Vice; great Care should be taken to praise and reward the former, and discountenance and punish the latter. Parents, besides the Instructions and Encouragement they give to Children in this Point, should throw them in the way of exercising it, and attend to their Behaviour when unconstrained. For Example; if I never lock up my Books, my Children will learn that they have the Liberty of reading them, unless expressly forbid; so likewise if I leave Letters or other Papers about without reserve, they may with Freedom examine them; and if they did not, I should think them incurious: but if they look over my Shoulder on purpose to see what I am writing, if they break a Seal to read the Contents of a Letter, or pry into my Scrutore because I have accidently left it open; it will be easy for me to determine that they are degenerating into Impertinence.

Useful Curiosity shews itself by innumerable Enquiries into the various Productions of Nature and Art; hence insensibly arises in Children, a Love of Knowledge, and a Love of Labour; hence too they learn to distinguish the Useless from the Useful; what they should pursue from what they should avoid. Impertinence shews itself by prying into the Affairs of others; employing their Thoughts and Time about what does not concern them, to the Detriment of all within their Reach. Hence springs that Neglect of real Knowledge we daily see in many; and that Croud of Trifles which waste their Time, and tend only to hurt others, and do themselves no good. For in proportion to the Time they spend in acting wrong, so much do they lose of the Knowledge how to act right. But besides it’s being so detrimental and destructive to Society, Impertinence has something in it so mean and hateful, that Parents cannot do too much to keep their Children free from it.

Parents should encourage in their Children a lively chearful Disposition; but quite pure, and unmixt with Vice, however distant. In order thereto, they should never suffer them, for any consideration, to utter an indecent Word, or commit any irregular Action which has the least bad Tendency; but above all, Parents must be careful themselves, never to say or do any thing in their Presence that they ought not to hear or see. This Caution may seem unnecessary, since all acknowledge how great the Force of Example is; yet if we view the general Conduct of Fathers particularly, we shall be obliged to own they stand greatly in need of it. For what more common than to hear Men swear and utter many indecent Expressions before their Children? And what more natural than their Imitation of them? which Poison, when once imbibed, cannot easily be expelled. As my Aim in writing is purely the Hopes of conveying Instruction, so I speak my Thoughts with Freedom; and every one is at liberty to take or leave what they like, or what they find most necessary and applicable to themselves: still I cannot help urging in the strongest Terms, a strict Regard to Decency as an universal and indispensable Obligation. For whoever considers how naturally propense we are to catch the Taint, and how very hard it is to wipe it off, will surely agree with me, that those are much the happiest who escape the Infection the longest.

But besides the nicest Care with regard to Words, Parents, as I have observed before, should be greatly circumspect in their Actions. Nothing gross or indecent should be done in their Sight; a Mother should by no means appear too much undressed in the Presence of her Son; nor a Father in that of his Daughter; for these and many other things, though in themselves innocent, are not allowable; they give Boys a Boldness which borders on Impudence; and they are apt to wean Girls from some Degree of that Modesty they ought so carefully to preserve.

I cannot but recommend, what I doubt very few will comply with, that Boys and Girls, even when Infants, have not only separate Beds, but, wherever it is practicable, always lie in separate Rooms: nor should they ever be exposed naked to one another, or the least wanton Curiosity be permitted: the Eyes and Ears convey Corruption to the Mind; and we cannot begin too soon to shut up every Avenue to Vice. I am sensible of the Singularity of this Doctrine; but I am firmly persuaded many good Effects would flow from the Practice of it. It is Matter of Astonishment to me, to see discreet and good People universally over-run with the false Notion, that Children do not observe; as if because they are Children, they neither hear, nor see, nor feel: whence they often lead them, or suffer them to be led very early into some kinds of Knowledge, which should be the last for them to learn. I grant indeed that such is the general reigning Corruption, that however carefully Parents avoid tainting their Children’s Minds, they will still be exposed to the Contagion of others; but if they have the Happiness of seeing these things always discountenanced by their Parents, and are never suffered to copy the corrupt Manners of others, the odds are greatly in their Favour: but if after all they should still turn out vicious, Parents will have at least the consoling Reflection, that they did every thing on their Part to prevent it.

At the same time that Parents are industrious to make Children obedient to themselves, they must teach them to consider every one as an Individual of Society, and give them a deep Sense of the Necessity of good Behaviour to all, whatever be their Circumstances or Condition. In every Family there are particular Obligations which Children must be taught to distinguish, and to reduce to Practice. Next to their Parents, Children owe to all senior Relations, Respect and Duty; to their Brothers and Sisters they owe not only a tender but an unalterable Affection; and all of more distant Kin have a Claim of Respect which cannot be refused them. Yet all this is but little, if compared with the universal Demand Mankind have on one another. We cannot without Injustice deny Virtue and Merit our Esteem; old Age is venerable, and to refuse the Honours due to it, is a Degree of Impiety; Obligations demand Gratitude; Misfortunes call for Friendship and Compassion; and even Vice and Folly demand our Pity and Concern, nay more, demand our Endeavours to remove them. But among the various Situations in Life, that which most requires the Care and Attention of Parents is, the teaching Children a due Regard to People in Poverty and Distress. It does not cost much pains to give Children a proper and becoming Behaviour to their Betters and Equals; but to persuade them to maintain a considerable Degree of Respect to Inferiors, or to those in disadvantageous Circumstances, is an arduous Task; still it may and ought to be done. Nothing so humanizes the Soul, nothing so strongly proves the Man, as sympathizing with, and relieving the Distresses of our Fellow Creatures: ’tis then the Duty of Parents never to let their Children speak or act with the least Degree of Rudeness to the lowest among Mankind; never to let them divert themselves with their Rags or Misfortunes; but on the contrary, they should sometimes furnish them with Money or other Things, that the Relief they design to give the Needy may pass through their Hands: and at the same time imprint this Truth on their Minds; that he who is thus reduced to ask, is often far more deserving than he who bestows.

Another indispensable Duty of Parents to their Children is, that they teach them never to dare to sport with the natural Defects of others. As an ingenious Author says, “This Practice, though levelled at the Creature, reflects on the Creator; it mocks the Architect, and burlesques the Creation.” ’Tis strange that Persons of the best Understanding so seldom reflect on this Point. What can be more absurd than to ridicule one Man for being too tall, and another for being too short? one for having too little Nose, another for having too much? The Degrees of Beauty and Deformity are infinite; and to be perfectly free from natural Defects and Blemishes is the Lot of very few: nor is it easy to fix the Standard of Beauty. We know by Anatomy, Sculpture and Painting, the general Rules of Symmetry and Proportion, and thus easily distinguish the gross Defects; but Beauty in the superlative Degree, in it’s ultimate Perfection, is not so readily determined. But farther; what is beautiful in the Eye of one is not so in the Eye of another; what was accounted Beauty in some former Age or distant Country, is not esteemed such at present. Since then we see that ’tis our general Lot to be more or less defective, and that All are made by one Almighty Hand, how inhuman must it be to insult or despise another for what, if an Imperfection, it is not in his Power to avoid; and that perhaps while the Insulter himself is not free from other Blemishes, full as obvious and offensive to many.

But the Defects of the Body are not alone the Subject of our Ridicule; we sport too with those of the Mind. Providence for wise Reasons does not give to all alike; are we therefore to hold another in contempt for not knowing so much as ourselves? Are we to laugh at a Man for not knowing what he has had no opportunity to learn? no surely. A Neglect to improve, and the Abuse of natural Talents, are the only things that deserve the Scourge; and even here it often happens, that he who exercises the Rod, deserves it more than he who feels it. Such however is the Partiality, such the false Practice of Mankind. Can Parents then be too careful to obviate these Errors in their Children? Can they take too much Pains to imprint on their Souls the Meanness and Folly of such Mistakes? surely they cannot.

Another Caution equally necessary is, that Parents utterly avoid all Distinction of Favourites among their Children. Sometimes the Father has his Darling, and the Mother her’s; sometimes they both doat on the same Child, and neglect the rest. Again, it is frequently observed, that Mothers are extravagantly fond of the Boys, and either treat the Girls with a visible Indifference, or grossly neglect them, they know not why. It is true indeed that it may, and sometimes does happen, that one Child in a Family is superior in Parts to the rest, or is particularly engaging, and may be said to merit that partial Distinction Parents make; but to shew that Reason is not always their Guide, I appeal to general Observation, whether it does not often happen, that the greatest Favourite is the greatest Booby? Yet allowing that a Lady loves her Son best, because he is really a smart Fellow; it is possible those very Qualifications she so much admires, and which attract her to him to the Prejudice of the other Children, are the things she ought to be most displeased with; things, which if sounded to the Bottom, would often prove Vice or Folly. But supposing that the favourite Son is really what he appears, more amiable than the Girls; may not this be owing to Accident or Design? May it not be the Effects of superior Education, or a greater Knowledge of Men and Manners? most certainly. All young People are, what they are, in proportion to the Opportunities they have had of acquiring Knowledge, or the Use they have made of them; so shut them out from Opportunities, and they can never improve; because they are deprived of the Means: thus it often happens in Families; the Boys are in the World, and gain a Knowledge of good Behaviour; the Girls are coop’d up, and Mamma wonders at their Ignorance! But what farther increases a Mother’s Surprize is, that she does not find her Girls improve in proportion to the Opinion she entertains of her own Abilities: now allowing, what cannot be generally true, that she has all that a Woman can be possessed of, if they are confined to the Company of her chiefly, their Knowledge of the World will be very scanty. To be acquainted with the World, we must see it; to know Mankind, we must know their Faces, and mark their Deportment; and from seeing a Variety of Manners, must come the Power of polishing our own.

I say not this as an Intimation to Parents, that they ought to throw their Children wild and untaught into the World, far from it; on the contrary, I am convinced how much they want to be fortified against it’s Snares; and how nicely they ought to be conducted: but with reference to the Matter in hand, I would fain make Parents sensible how irregular, nay how unjust their Partiality usually is; particularly in banishing Children from their Affections for not knowing what they have had no Opportunity to learn. If then Parents really intend the Good of their Children, they must with the utmost Resolution throw off all Partiality; if not, ’tis more than probable it may greatly injure, or even undo, a whole Family. The Darling is liable to be ruined thro’ Indulgence; the rest, thro’ Neglect and Ignorance. Children, by this unequal Treatment, conceive a Hatred to one another, and often to the Parents themselves, which perhaps lasts as long as their Lives. But besides that, this injurious Treatment debases their Minds, it is productive of many dreadful Evils; for hence proceed, not only inveterate Malice, but Confusion, Law-suits and Poverty; and hence too proceed rash, precipitate, and disgraceful Marriages; with many other Calamities, which it would require a Volume to enumerate.

Parents should by all Means consider, that every Child is equally the Object of their Love and Care; and, by the Right of Nature, equally demands their Protection. The Laws indeed, for the Support of Families and Dignity, have, in some Cases, made an Inequality in the Distribution of Fortune, which must be submitted to: still that does not take off from the Obligation of Parents, nor justify a blind or whimsical Partiality. There is no Topic I would more enforce than this, yet none more difficult to prescribe Rules for. It is certain, that rewarding the good, and punishing the bad, is both a Virtue, and a Duty; yet at the same time that I acknowledge how much the good Child deserves, I cannot resolve to abandon the bad: the Voice of Nature and Reason cry out loudly against it. I will for once suppose Parents entirely divested of Partiality, and that the Difference is really in the Children, and not in themselves. Are they sure there are no Faults in their Education? Are they conscious that they have not exposed them to be corrupted by others, tho’ they have not done it themselves? Are they convinced those Acts of Disobedience which their Children commit are the Effects of Malice prepense? or may they not be rather the Sallies of thoughtless, giddy Youth? All these things Parents must nicely weigh, before they carry their Resentment against a Child to Extremes. Let Parents reflect, that a Boy whom they cannot now controul, and whom perhaps they are going to expose to the capricious Fury of the Seas, and deliver up to an Academy of Vice and Profaneness in order to reform him, may be much sooner reclaimed by proper Pains and Remonstrances, than by throwing him into the Jaws of Licentiousness: for how often do we see a disorderly Youth, touched, by a Parent’s well-timed Clemency, with a Sense of his Mistakes; and when the native Fire of his Youth is abated, become truly wise and good; a Pattern of Virtue, and an Honour to the Age he lives in? Can Parents reflect on this, and not resolve to try every Expedient before that of disinheriting a Child, abandoning him to Misery and Want, or giving him up to that Nursery of Immorality, the Sea? My serious Advice in this Point is, that Parents be not hasty in driving things to Extremities. Let them with unwearied Patience try every gentle Means in their Power; and certainly by such Methods they will have the fairest Chance to succeed. For if Children see their Parents constantly aiming at their general Good; if they find them hold the Scale of Justice with an equal Hand; and experience their Affection and Tenderness to be void of Partiality, even after repeated Provocations; if, I say, they once become so happy as to reflect on these Circumstances in their true Light, (as sooner or later undoubtedly they will) I cannot but hope the most abandoned will be reclaimed, and the hardest Heart softened into Tenderness, Respect and Duty. But here lies our common Error; we grow impatient at a Child’s Disobedience and Untowardness, and without striking at the Root of his Vices, without levelling at, and removing the Cause, we dwell on the Effects; his Follies give us Pain, and we do not try so much to cure him, as to ease ourselves; and therefore rashly remove him from our Sight by sending him to Sea: in my Opinion, the last Place in the Universe to make a bad Boy a good one. I heard a Story some Years ago of a rich Citizen of _London_, which deserves to be remember’d with Honour. He had a Son, some Years past a Boy, addicted to every Extravagance, and who had almost worn out the Father’s Patience and Indulgence by repeated Abuses of them, and by continual Cravings. The Father at length consulted a Friend, in order, if possible, to devise a Remedy: when he had poured out his Soul in Grief, and shewn that his Kindness had been almost boundless; the Friend replied, I have, Sir, a Remedy to propose, that I think deserves the Experiment. The World calls you a hundred thousand Pound Man; but tho’ that may not be strictly true, yet from my own Knowledge you are very rich: throw at once ten thousand Pounds into your Son’s Hands; that Sum cannot ruin you, and it is possible it may save him. The good old Man, with Heart full of Desire to do whatever might convince his Son how much he wish’d his Happiness, very readily came into the Proposal: he sent for him accordingly, and thus addressed him. “You know, my Son, how dear I have always held you; you know how much I have desired your Happiness and Prosperity, by the Pains I have taken to promote them; but you do not consider how much you have abused my Indulgence: your boundless Love of expensive Pleasures has so far blinded you, that you neither see my Kindness, nor your own Folly. But here, take the utmost Proof of an afflicted Father’s Fondness; take this ten thousand Pound, and husband it as you please. If you use it well, it will not be the last Favour you may hope from my Tenderness: but if you persist in the Abuse of my Bounty, ’tis the sole Proof of it you must ever expect.” The Son, struck with Amazement at so much Goodness, and touched with a deep Sense of his former Ingratitude, from that Hour became all he ought to be, and all his Father’s Heart could wish. This genuine Relation may in great Measure serve as a Guide to Parents. It is true every one has not ten thousand pound to give; but there are ten thousand Parents who may, by exerting their several Capacities according to their Station, preserve their Children from the Ruin they are threaten’d with: and thus turn them from Objects of Vexation and Grief, into Instruments of Joy and Happiness.

At the same time that the Authority of Parents is to be maintain’d above every other Consideration, Children should be taught to love them to a superlative Degree. This Love in Children to their Parents, will naturally make them fly to them on every Emergence; and thus Obedience will become a Pleasure: whereas if they are kept at a Distance by an austere Behaviour, or are treated in a cold, lifeless, insipid Manner, they will be apt to doubt of their Parents Affection, and be induced to seek Comfort from others: and then no wonder if they fly to Aunts and Cousins, when even the Servants, from the Stable to the Kitchen, will have Power to engage their tender Hearts, and rob Parents of that superior Affection they ought so jealously to engross to themselves. Nothing requires more the Parents Attention, than the preserving that golden Rule, a Medium in their whole Conduct to their Children; therefore while they are careful not to spoil them by too much Indulgence, they should at the same time study to win their Hearts.