Chapter 16

ENTER _Demaenetus_, FROM HIS HOUSE, BRINGING _Libanus_.

_Lib._

Sicut tuom vis unicum gnatum tuae superesse vitae sospitem et superstitem, ita ted obtestor per senectutem tuam perque illam, quam tu metuis, uxorem tuam, si quid med erga hodie falsum dixeris, 20 ut tibi superstes uxor aetatem siet atque illa viva vivos ut pestem oppetas.

(_very solemnly_) As you hope to have your only son survive hale and hearty, sir, when you’re gone yourself, I implore you, sir, by your hoary hairs and by the one you dread, your wife, sir--if you tell me any lie to-day, may she outlast you by years and years, yes, sir, and you die a living death with her alive.

_Dem._

Per Dium Fidium quaeris: iurato mihi video necesse esse eloqui quidquid roges.[1] (24) proinde actutum istuc quid sit quod scire expetis (27) eloquere: ut ipse scibo, te faciam ut scias.

(_laughing_) You beg me by the very God of Truth. Once under oath, I see I must tell you whatever you ask. Come then, quick! Let me hear what you wish to know, and so far as I know myself, I shall let you know.

_Lib._

Die obsecro hercle serio quod te rogem, cave mihi mendaci quicquam.

For God’s sake, sir, do please answer my question seriously! No lying to me, sir, mind that!

_Dem._

Quin tu ergo rogas? 30

Then why not ask your question?

_Lib._

Num me illuc ducis, ubi lapis lapidem terit?

(_anxiously_) You won’t take me where stone rubs stone, sir?

_Dem._

Quid istuc est? aut ubi istuc est terrarum loci?[2] (32)

What do you mean? Where in the world is that?

_Lib._

Apud fustitudinas, ferricrepinas insulas, (34) ubi vivos homines mortui incursant boves.

There at the Clubbangian-Chainclangian Islands, sir, where dead oxen attack living men.

_Dem._

Modo pol percepi, Libane, quid istuc sit loci: ubi fit polenta, te fortasse dicere.

(_reflecting, then with a chuckle_) Bless my soul! At last I get your meaning, Libanus--the barley mill[A]: I daresay that’s the place you mention.

[Footnote A: Where he might be beaten with ox-hide whips.]

_Lib._

Ah, neque hercle ego istuc dico nec dictum volo, teque obsecro hercle, ut quae locutu’s despuas.

(_in grotesque terror_) Oh Lord, no! I’m not mentioning that, and I don’t want it mentioned, either, and for the love of heaven, sir, do spit away that word!

_Dem._

Fiat, geratur mos tibi.

(_spitting_) All right. Anything to humour you.

_Lib._

Age, age usque excrea. 40

Go on, sir, go on! Hawk it way up!

_Dem._

Etiamne?

(_spitting again_) Will that do?

_Lib._

Age quaeso hercle usque ex penitis faucibus, etiam amplius.

Go on, sir, for God’s sake, way from the bottom of your gullet! (_Demaenetus spits violently_) Farther down still, sir!

_Dem._

Nam quo usque?

Eh? How far?

_Lib._

Usque ad mortem volo.

(_half aside_) To the door of death, I hope.

_Dem._

Cave sis malam rem.

(_angrily_) Kindly look out, my man, look out!

_Lib._

Uxoris dico, non tuam.

(_hastily_) Your wife’s, sir, I mean, not yours.

_Dem._

Dono te ob istuc dictum, ut expers sis metu.

(_laughing_) Never fear--for that remark I grant you immunity.

_Lib._

Di tibi dent quaecumque optes.

And heaven grant you all your prayers, sir.

_Dem._

Redde operam mihi. cur hoc ego ex te quaeram? aut cur miniter tibi propterea quod me non scientem feceris? aut cur postremo filio suscenseam, patres ut faciunt ceteri?

Now listen to me for a change. Why should I ask you about this? Or threaten you because you haven’t informed me? Or for that matter, why should I fly into a rage at my son, as other fathers do?

_Lib._

Quid istuc novi est? 50 demiror quid sit et quo evadat sum in metu.

(_aside_) Hm! What’s this surprise? Wonder what it means! Where it will end is what scares me.

_Dem._

Equidem scio iam, filius quod amet meus istanc meretricem e proxumo Philaenium. estne hoc ut dico, Libane?

As a matter of fact, I know already that my son has an affair with that wench, Philaenium, next door. Isn’t that so, Libanus?

_Lib._

Rectam instas viam. ea res est. sed eum morbus invasit gravis.

You’re on the right track, sir. That’s how it is. But he has suffered a severe shock.

_Dem._

Quid morbi est?

Shock? What?

_Lib._

Quia non suppetunt dictis data.

Well, his presents are falling short of his promises.

_Dem._

Tune es adiutor nunc amanti filio?

Are you aiding my son in this amour?

_Lib._

Sum vero, et alter noster est Leonida.

Indeed I am, sir, and so is my mate, your servant Leonida.

_Dem._

Bene hercle facitis et a me initis gratiam. verum meam uxorem, Libane, nescis qualis sit? 60

Well, well, my lad, thanks! You are both earning my gratitude. But (_looking cautiously around_) my wife, Libanus, don’t you know her temperament?

_Lib._

Tu primus sentis, nos tamen in pretio sumus.

(_with certainty_) You feel it first, sir, but we get plenty of it.

_Dem._

Fateor eam esse importunam atque incommodam.

(_awkwardly_) I confess that she is ... high-handed and ... hard to get along with.

_Lib._

Posterius istuc dicis quam credo tibi.

I believe that before you speak a word, sir.

_Dem._

Omnes parentes, Libane, liberis suis qui mi auscultabunt, facient obsequellam[3] quippe qui mage amico utantur gnato et benevolo. atque ego me id facere studeo, volo amari a meis;

(_with an air of profound moral conviction_) Libanus, all parents who take my advice will be a bit indulgent to their children, seeing it makes a son more friendly and affectionate. Yes, and I am anxious to be so myself. I wish to be loved by my own flesh and blood;

volo me patris mei similem, qui causa mea nauclerico ipse ornatu per fallaciam quam amabam abduxit ab lenone mulierem; 70 neque puduit eum id aetatis sycophantias struere et beneficiis me emere gnatum suom sibi. eos me decretumst persequi mores patris.

I wish to model myself on my own father who dressed up as a shipmaster for my sake and swindled a slave-dealer out of a girl I was in love with. He felt no shame at going in for hocus-pocus at his time of life, and buying his son’s affection, mine, by his kindnesses. These methods of my father’s I have resolved to follow out myself.

nam me hodie oravit Argyrippus filius, uti sibi amanti facerem argenti copiam; et id ego percupio obsequi gnato meo.[4] (76) quamquam illum mater arte contenteque habet, (78) patres ut consueverunt: ego mitto omnia haec.

Well now, this very day my boy Argyrippus begged me to supply him with some money, saying he was in love: and I heartily desire to oblige the dear lad. No matter if his mother does keep a firm, tight rein on him and play the ordinary father’s part, none of that for me.

praesertim quom is me dignum quoi concrederet 80 habuit, me habere honorem eius ingenio decet; quom me adiit, ut pudentem gnatum acquomst patrem, cupio esse amicae quod det argentum suae.

And seeing he has regarded me as worthy of his confidence, I have special reason to respect his inclinations. Now that he has applied to me, as a respectful son should to his father, I am desirous that he should have some money for his mistress.

_Lib._

Cupis id quod cupere te nequiquam intellego. dotalem servom Sauream uxor tua adduxit, cui plus in manu sit quam tibi.

You’re desirous of something you’ll desire in vain, sir, I reckon. Your wife’s brought along Saurea, that dower slave of hers, to have more power than you.

_Dem._

Argentum accepi, dote imperium vendidi. nunc verba in pauca conferam quid te velim. viginti iam usust filio argenti minis: face id ut paratum iam sit.

(_bitterly_) Sold myself! Gave up my authority for a dowry! (_pause_) Now, in a word, here is what I want of you. My son needs eighty pounds[B] at once: will you see it is procured at once.

[Footnote B: It has seemed advisable to use the terms of the English coinage system throughout this version; the value of the money metals, however, has shrunk very considerably since Plautus’s day.]

_Lib._

Unde gentium? 90

Where in the world from?

_Dem._

Me defraudato.

Cheat me out of it.

_Lib._

Maxumas nugas agis: nudo detrahere vestimenta me iubes. defraudem te ego? age sis, tu sine pennis vola. tene ego defraudem, cui ipsi nihil est in manu, nisi quid tu porro uxorem defraudaveris?

What awful nonsense you do talk! You’re telling me to strip the clothes off a naked man. I cheat you out of it? Come, sir, will you kindly fly without wings! I cheat you out of it, when you don’t own a thing, unless you’ve played the same game and cheated your wife out of something?

_Dem._

Qua me, qua uxorem, qua tu servom Sauream potes, circumduce, aufer; promitto tibi non offuturum, si id hodie effeceris.

Well, me, or my wife, or servant Saurea--do your best, swindle us, rook us, I promise you your interests won’t suffer, if you accomplish this to-day.

_Lib._

Iubeas una opera me piscari in aere, venari autem rete iaculo in medio mari.[5] 100

You might as well order me to go a-fishing in the air, yes, and to take my casting net and do some deep sea--hunting.

_Dem._

Tibi optionem sumito Leonidam, fabricare quidvis, quidvis comminiscere: perficito, argentum hodie ut habeat filius, amicae quod det.

Have Leonida for your adjutant: manufacture something, devise something--anything: see you get the money to-day for my son to give his girl.

_Lib._

Quid ais tu, Demaenete?

Look here.

_Dem._

Quid vis?

Well?

_Lib._

Si forte in insidias devenero, tun redimes me, si me hostes interceperint?

Suppose I happen to fall into an ambuscade, ransom me, will you, if I’m intercepted by the enemy?

_Dem._

Redimam.

I will.

_Lib._

Tum tu igitur aliud cura quid lubet. ego eo ad forum, nisi quid vis.

(_after a pause, airily_) Well then, in that case you may dismiss the matter from your mind. I’m off to the forum, unless you want me further.

_Dem._

Ei, bene ambula. atque audin etiam?

Go ahead! A pleasant stroll to you! (_Libanus walks away_) And I say,--listening still, are you?

_Lib._

Ecce.

(_pertly, without turning_) Behold me!

_Dem._

Si quid te volam, ubi eris?

If I want you for anything, where will you be?

_Lib._

Ubicumque libitum erit animo meo 110 profecto nemo est quem iam dehinc metuam mihi ne quid nocere possit, cum tu mihi tua oratione omnem animum ostendisti tuom quin te quoque ipsum facio haud magni, si hoc patro. pergam quo occepi atque ibi consilia exordiar.

Precisely where it pleases my fancy. (_half aside_) I tell you what, from now on I won’t be scared of a man alive, for fear he can do me any harm, after your showing me all the secrets of your soul. Why, you won’t count for much with me your own self, either, if I carry this through. (_setting off again_) I’ll go along to where I was bound and lay my plans there.

_Dem._

Audin tu? apud Archibulum ego ero argentarium.

Look here! I shall be at banker Archibulus’s.

_Lib._

Nempe in foro?

In the forum, you mean?

_Dem._

Ibi, si quid opus fuerit.

Yes, there,--if anything’s needed.

_Lib._

Meminero.

(_nonchalantly_) I’ll keep it in mind. [EXIT _Libanus_ TO FORUM.

_Dem._

Non esse servos peior hoc quisquam potest nec magis versutus nec quo ab caveas aegrius eidem homini, si quid recte curatum velis, 120 mandes: moriri sese misere mavolet, quam non perfectum reddat quod promiserit.

A more rascally servant than this of mine can’t be found, or a wilier one, or one harder to guard against. But he’s just your man to commit a matter to, if you want it well managed: he’d prefer to expire in pain and torment rather than fail to fulfil his promise to the letter.

nam ego illud argentum tam paratum filio scio esse quam me hunc scipionem contui. sed quid ego cesso ire ad forum, quo inceperam? [6]atque ibi manebo apud argentarium.

Why, I’m just as confident that that money is in store for my son as that I’ve got my eyes on this cane here. But I must be off to the forum, where I was going. Yes, and I’ll wait there at the banker’s. [EXIT _Demaenetus_.

I. 2.