Scene 2.
ENTER _Hegio_.
_Hegio_
Quanto in pectore hanc rem meo magis volato, tanto mi aegritudo auctior est in animo. ad illum modum sublitum os esse mi hodie! neque id perspicere quivi. quod cum scibitur, tum per urbem inridebor.
(_soliloquizing moodily_) The more I think it over, the sourer I feel. The idea of their playing upon me in that style to-day! And I couldn’t see through it. When it gets known, I shall be the joke of the town.
cum extemplo ad forum advenero, omnes loquentur: “hic illest senex doctus, quoi verba data sunt.” sed Ergasilus estne his, procul quem video? conlecto quidem est pallio. quidnam acturust?
The moment I appear at the forum they’ll all be saying, “Here comes that smart old fellow that got humbugged.” (_observing Ergasilus_) But isn’t that Ergasilus I see over there? With his cloak all tucked up, too! Now what in the world is he going to do? (_steps aside_)
_Erg._
Move aps te moram atque, Ergasile, age hanc rem. 790 eminor interminorque, ne mi obstiterit obviam nisi quis satis diu vixisse sese homo arbitrabitur. nam qui obstiterit, ore sistet.
(_with burlesque importance and bustle_) No dawdling now, Ergasilus! At it, my boy, at it! I give you to wit by all the law’s pains and penalties that no man stand in my way, unless he thinks he has lived long enough. For the man that does stand in my way shall stand on his head. (_squares off and delivers lusty blows at imaginary passers-by_)
_Hegio_
Hic homo pugilatum incipit.
(_aside_) The fellow is going in for a boxing match!
_Erg._
Facere certumst. proinde ita omnes itinera insistant sua, ne quis in hanc plateam negoti conferat quicquam sui. nam meus est ballista pugnus, cubitus catapultast mihi, umerus aries, tum genu quemque icero ad terram dabo, dentilegos omnes mortales faciam, quemque offendero.
I’ll do it, I’m resolved. So everybody keep where they belong, and don’t anyone bring his business into this street! I tell you what, my fist is a siege-gun, and this forearm is my catapult, and my shoulder is a battering ram, yes, and every man I lay my knee into will bite the earth. I’ll make every man I meet a tooth-collector.
_Hegio_
Quae illaec eminatiost nam? nequeo mirari satis.
(_aside_) What on earth does all this bluster mean? Quite unaccountable!
_Erg_
Faciam ut huius diei locique meique semper meminerit.[20] 800
I’ll make him remember this day and this place and me for ever.
_Hegio_
Quid hic homo tantum incipissit facere cum tantis minis? (802)
(_aside_) What giant undertaking is the fellow at, with all this big talk?
_Erg._
Prius edico, ne quis propter culpam capiatur suam: continete vos domi, prohibete a vobis vim meam.
I give you due notice, that no one may come to grief through his own ignorance of the law: stay at home: keep away from me--I am a violent man.
_Hegio_
Mira edepol sunt, ni hic in ventrem sumpsit confidentiam. vae misero illi, cuius cibo iste factust imperiosior.
(_aside_) Bless my soul! I’ll be sworn he’s got some assurance put into his inside. Heaven help the poor wretch whose larder has set him up so!
_Erg._
Tum pistores scrofipasci, qui alunt furfuribus sues, quarum odore praeterire nemo pistrinum potest: eorum si quoiusquam scrofam in publico conspexero, ex ipsis dominis meis pugnis exculcabo furfures. 810
And as for the millers that keep sows, and feed waste stuff to their swine, that raise such a stench nobody can go by the mill,--if I spy a sow of any one of ’em on the public highway, I’ll up with my fists and stamp the stuffing out of those sows’--owners.
_Hegio_
Basilicas edictiones atque imperiosas habet: satur homost, habet profecto in ventre confidentiam.
(_aside_) Right royal and imperious pronunciamentos. The man is gorged: he certainly has got some assurance stowed away inside.
_Erg._
Tum piscatores, qui praebent populo pisces foetidos, qui advehuntur quadrupedanti crucianti cantherio, quorum odos subbasilicanos omnes abigit in forum, eis ego ora verberabo surpiculis piscariis, ut sciant, alieno naso quam exhibeant molestiam.
Then the fishmongers that travel around on a jogging, jolting gelding, and offer folk stale fish so strong it drives every last lounger in the arcade out into the forum-- I’ll whack their faces with their own fish baskets, just to teach ’em what an abomination they are to the public nose.
tum lanii autem, qui concinnant liberis orbas oves, qui locant caedundos agnos et duplam agninam danunt, qui petroni nomen indunt verveci sectario, 820 eum ego si in via petronem publica conspexero et petronem et dominum reddam mortales miserrumos.
Yes, and the butchers, too, that bereave sheep of their little ones, that engage to sell you lambs fit for slaughter, and then give you lamb as old as two lambs, and pass off a tough old ram as a prime wether--if I spy that ram on a city thoroughfare, I’ll make ram and owner the saddest men alive!
_Hegio_
Eugepae, edictiones aedilicias hic quidem habet, mirumque adeost ni hunc fecere sibi Aetoli agoranomum.
(_aside_) Splendid! Why, he is issuing edicts like a Comptroller of the Victualling: I shouldn’t be surprised if the Aetolians have made him market inspector.
_Erg._
Non ego nunc parasitus sum, sed regum rex regalior, tantus ventri commeatus meo adest in portu cibus sed ego cesso hunc Hegionem onerare laetitia senem, quo homine hominum adaeque nemo vivit fortunatior?
I’m no parasite now, not I! I’m a precious potent potentate of potentates, with all that invoice at the harbour for my belly--food, food! But I must hurry and load old Hegio here with ecstasy. There’s not a luckier man alive than he!
_Hegio_
Quae illaec est laetitia, quam illic laetus largitur mihi?
(_aside_) What ecstasy is it this ecstatic creature is going to lavish on me?
_Erg._
Heus ubi estis? ecquis hic est? ecquis hoc aperit ostium? 830
(_pounding on Hegio’s door_) Hi! Where are you? Anybody here? Anybody going to open this door?
_Hegio_
Hic homo ad cenam recipit se ad me.
(_aside_) The fellow is coming to dine with me.
_Erg._
Aperite hasce ambas fores prius quam pultando assulatim foribus exitium adfero.
Open this door--both doors--before I knock ’em to flinders and finish ’em for good and all!
_Hegio_
Perlubet hunc hominem colloqui. Ergasile.
(_aside_) I should quite enjoy a word with him. (_aloud_) Ergasilus!
_Erg._
Ergasilum qui vocat?
(_still pounding_) Who calls Ergasilus?
_Hegio_
Respice.
Vouchsafe me a look, sir.
_Erg._
Fortuna quod tibi nec facit nec faciet, me iubes. sed quis est?
(_without turning his head_) Vouchsafe you a look, eh! That is more than Good Luck does for you, or ever will do, either! Who is it, though?
_Hegio_
Respice ad me, Hegio sum.
Look around this way. It’s Hegio.
_Erg._
Oh mihi, quantum est hominum optumorum optume, in tempore advenis.
(_rushing up_) Oh! oh! You best of all the best men that tread the earth, you come just in time!
_Hegio_
Nescio quem ad portum nactus es ubi cenes, eo fastidis.
You have hit upon some one or other at the harbour to dine with: that’s why you are so haughty.
_Erg._
Cedo manum.
(_rapturously_) Give me your hand!
_Hegio_
Manum?
My hand?
_Erg._
Manum, inquam, cedo tuam actutum.
Your hand, I say--give me your hand this instant!
_Hegio_
Tene.
(_doing so_) Take it. (_Ergasilus shakes it vigorously_)
_Erg._
Gaude.
Rejoice!
_Hegio_
Quid ego gaudeam?
Rejoice--I? What for?
_Erg._
Quia ego impero, age gaude modo.
Because I bid you to. Come now, rejoice!
_Hegio_
Pol maerores mi antevortunt gaudiis.[21] 840
Good Lord, man! grief takes precedence of joy in my case.
_Erg._
Iam ego ex corpore exigam omnis maculas maerorum tibi. gaude audacter.
I will remove every grief spot from off your person for you this minute. Rejoice, rejoice boldly!
_Hegio_
Gaudeo, etsi nil scio quod gaudeam.
Well, I am rejoicing, although I haven’t the least idea why I should.
_Erg._
Bene facis. iube--
Much obliged! Order--
_Hegio_
Quid iubeam?
(_suspiciously_) Order what?
_Erg._
Ignem ingentem fieri.
--a fire to be built, an enormous fire.
_Hegio_
Ignem ingentem?
An enormous fire?
_Erg._
Ita dico, magnus ut sit.
That’s what I say--make it a big one.
_Hegio_
Quid? me, volturi, tuan causa aedis incensurum censes?
(_angry_) How’s that? Do you think I’m going to burn my house down for your benefit, you vulture?
_Erg._
Noli irascier. iuben an non iubes astitui aulas, patinas elui, [22]laridum atque epulas foveri foculis ferventibus? alium pisces praestinatum abire?
Calm yourself, sir. Will you order the pots to be set near the oven, or won’t you--and the platters washed--and bacon and lovely things to eat to be warmed up in fire-pans piping hot? And some one to go and lay in fish?
_Hegio_
Hic vigilans somniat.
Day dreams, poor fellow!
_Erg._
Alium porcinam atque agninam et pullos gallinaceos?
And some one else to get pork and lamb and spring chicken?
_Hegio_
Scis bene esse, si sit unde.
You know how to enjoy yourself--given the wherewithal.
_Erg._
[23]Pernam atque ophthalmiam, 850 horaeum, scombrum et trygonum et cetum, et mollem caseum?
And ham and river-lamprey and pickled fish, mackerel and sting ray and tunny, and nice soft cheese?
_Hegio_
Nominandi istorum tibi erit magis quam edundi copia his apud me, Ergasile.
You will have more of an opportunity to mention those viands, Ergasilus, than to masticate them here at my house.
_Erg._
Mean me causa hoc censes dicere?
Do you suppose I’m saying this on my own account?
_Hegio_
Nec nihil hodie nec multo plus tu hic edes, ne frustra sis. proin tu tui cottidiani victi ventrem ad me afferas.
What you get here to-day will be a cross between nothing and next to nothing; make no mistake about that. So bring me a stomach that is ready for your ordinary fare.
_Erg._
Quin ita faciam. ut tute cupias facere sumptum, etsi ego vetem.
Why, I’ll make you long to squander money, you yourself, even though I should forbid it.
_Hegio_
Egone?
Me?
_Erg._
Tune.
Yes, sir, you!
_Hegio_
Tum tu mi igitur erus es.
Then you are my master, I take it.
_Erg._
Immo benevolens. vin te faciam fortunatum?
No, no, your whole-souled friend. Do you want me to make you a fortunate man?
_Hegio_
Malim quam miserum quidem.
Rather than unfortunate, why, yes.
_Erg._
Cedo manum.
Give me your hand.
_Hegio_
Em manum.
Here it is. (_Ergasilus again shakes it fervently_)
_Erg._
Di te omnes adiuvant.
The gods are with you!
_Hegio_
Nil sentio.
I wouldn’t know it.
_Erg._
Non enim es in senticeto, eo non sentis. sed iube 860 vasa tibi pura apparari ad rem divinam cito, atque agnum afferri proprium pinguem.
You wouldn’t? Well, you’re out of the wood; that’s why you don’t twig it. But see they get the holy vessels ready for worship--quick! Yes, and have a special lamb brought in, a fat one.
_Hegio_
Cur?
Why?
_Erg._
Ut sacrufices.
So that you may offer sacrifice.
_Hegio_
Cui deorum?
To what deity?
_Erg._
Mi hercle, nam ego nunc tibi sum summus Iuppiter, idem ego sum Salus, Fortuna, Lux, Laetitia, Gaudium. proin tu deum hunc saturitate facias tranquillum tibi.
To me, by gad! For I’m your Jupiter Most High now, myself; and Salvation, Fortune, Light, Gladness, Joy--they’re all this identical I! So mind you placate this divinity by stuffing him full.
_Hegio_
Esurire mihi videre.
You need food, I fancy.
_Erg._
Mi quidem esurio, non tibi.
No sir, I need food I fancy, not food you fancy.
_Hegio_
Tuo arbitratu, facile patior.
(_smiling_) Have it your own way: I’m perfectly willing to--crawl.
_Erg._
Credo, consuetu’s puer.
Crawl? I believe you: it’s a habit you--fell into--as a child.
_Hegio_
Iuppiter te dique perdant.
(_disgusted_) Oh, you be damned, sir!
_Erg._
Te hercle--mi aequom est gratias agere ob nuntium; tantum ego nunc porto a portu tibi boni: nunc tu mihi places.
And by Jove, you be--grateful to me, as you ought, for my news. The glorious news from the port I’m just reporting! Now your dinner begins to tempt me.
_Hegio_
Abi, stultu’s, sero post tempus venis. 870
Be off, you idiot: you’re behind time, you have come too late.
_Erg._
Igitur olim si advenissem, magis tu tum istuc diceres; nunc hanc laetitiam accipe a me, quam fero. nam filium tuom modo in portu Philopolemum vivom, salvom et sospitem vidi in publica celoce, ibidemque illum adulescentulum Aleum una et tuom Stalagmum servom, qui aufugit domo, qui tibi surripuit quadrimum puerum filiolum tuom.
Well, if I had come before, then you’d have had more reason to say that. (_slowly and portentously_) Now, sir, prepare for the ecstasy of which I am the vehicle. A few minutes ago at the harbour your son, your son Philopolemus, alive, safe and sound,--I saw him, saw him in a despatch boat, and along with him that young Elean and your slave Stalagmus that stole your little four year old boy.
_Hegio_
Abi in malam rem, ludis me.
To the devil with you! You’re making fun of me.
_Erg._
Ita me amabit sancta Saturitas, Hegio, itaque suo me semper condecoret cognomine, ut ego vidi.
So help me Holy Stuffing, so may she grace me with her name for evermore--I did see them, Hegio!
_Hegio_
Meum gnatum?
(_sceptically_) My son?
_Erg._
Tuom gnatum et genium meum.
Your son and my guardian angel.
_Hegio_
Et captivom illum Alidensem?
And that Elean prisoner?
_Erg._
Μὰ τὸν Ὰπόλλω.
_Oui, par_ Hercules!
_Hegio_
Et servolum 880 meum Stalagmum, meum qui gnatum surripuit?
And that miserable slave of mine, Stalagmus, that kidnapped my son?
_Erg._
Ναὶ τὰν Κόραν.
_Oui, par_ Hercul-aneum!
_Hegio_
Iam credo?
I’m to believe that?
_Erg._
Ναὶ τὰν Πραινἐσην.
_Oui, par_ Pompeii!
_Hegio._
Venit?
He’s come?
_Erg._
Ναὶ τὰν Σιγνίαν.
_Oui, par_ Sorrento!
_Hegio_
Certon?
You’re sure?
_Erg._
Ναὶ τὸν Φρουσινῶνα.
_Oui, par_ Amalfi!
_Hegio_
Vide sis.
Careful now!
_Erg._
Ναὶ τὸν Ἀλάτριον.
_Oui, par_ Torre dell’Annunziata!
_Hegio_
Quid tu per barbaricas urbes iuras?
What are you swearing by foreign cities for!
_Erg._
Quia enim item asperae sunt ut tuom victum autumabas esse.
Well, because they’re the same as you said your meals were-- perfect terrors.
_Hegio_
Vae aetati tuae.
Plague take you!
_Erg._
Quippe quando mihi nil credis, quod ego dico sedulo. sed Stalagmus quoius erat tunc nationis, cum hinc abit?
My sentiments exactly, seeing you don’t believe a word I tell you in sober earnest. Stalagmus, though,--what was his nationality when he disappeared?
_Hegio_
Siculus.
Sicilian.
_Erg._
At nunc Siculus non est, Boius est, Boiam terit: liberorum quaerundorum causa ei, credo, uxor datast.
But he’s no Sicilian now: he’s a Gaul--he’s being galled,[G] anyhow, by that thing he’s attached to: he’s coupled with the article so as to get children, I suppose?
[Footnote G: Boia means a woman of the Boii, also a malefactor’s collar.]
_Hegio_
Dic, bonan fide tu mi istaec verba dixisti?
See here, have you told me all this in good faith?
_Erg._
Bona. 890
In good faith.
_Hegio_
Di immortales, iterum gnatus videor, si vera autumas.
Great heavens! I feel like a new man, if what you say is true.
_Erg._
Ain tu? dubium habebis etiam, sancte quom ego iurem tibi? postremo, Hegio, si parva iuri iurandost fides, vise ad portum.
Eh? How’s that? You’ll still doubt me when I’d give you my sacred word on it? Very well then, Hegio, if my solemn oath is insufficient for you, go down to the harbour and see for yourself.
_Hegio_
Facere certumst. tu intus cura quod opus est. sume, posce, prome quid vis. te facio cellarium.
(_excited_) Precisely what I will do. You go inside and attend to what’s needed. Take anything you want, ask for it, get it from the store-room. I make you butler.
_Erg._
Nam hercle, nisi mantiscinatus probe ero, fusti pectito.
(_wild with joy_) Now by Jupiter, if I don’t do some handsome catering, comb me down with a club!
_Hegio_
Aeternum tibi dapinabo victum, si vera autumas.
I’ll dinner you till doomsday, if it’s true.
_Erg._
Unde id?
And who’s to pay?
_Hegio_
A me meoque gnato.
I and my son.
_Erg._
Sponden tu istud?
I have your word on that?
_Hegio_
Spondeo.
My word.
_Erg._
At ego tuom tibi advenisse filium respondeo.
And for my part, my word to you is--your son has arrived.
_Hegio_
Cura quam optume potes.
(_making off toward harbour_) Attend to everything the very best you can.
IV. 3.